Actually Cptsd - Tumblr Posts

When you’re conditioned to see the way you’re treated as normal, you believe it’s normal. Don’t feel bad that you couldn’t see past that conditioning when you were just trying to survive.

Im going to try to simplify a lot of things here (big word is try). Because there's a lot. We're a traumatic osdd-1b system btw!

However, being a median system varies from person to person. So keep in mind my experiences aren't fact for every median system out there.

1.) Commination & Memory

Commination for us is very limited. We mostly communicate through feelings and emotions. If you will, pure vibes.

I can hear people talk from time to time. If I really focus. Or if the situation calls for it. (Ex. Someone in front is having a hard time. And someone speaks to talk them through it.)

If I do something someone doesn't like I can feel a general vibe which then can easily translate into words. (Think like a language translator). If I fuck up someone's art piece by accident I'm gonna feel that "fuzzy talk" and understand what they're saying.

We don't have massive memory barriers. So it's easy to recall what someone did last. However, we still forget things. Sometimes someone fronts, leaves and a new person fronts. The new person fronting might not recall what they did exactly. But, have a general idea of what was leading up before they switched out.

A really good example for us is Minecraft. Person B played a shit ton, took a break, and switched out. Person A fronted, got on Minecraft and tried to figure out what the fuck they were doing. Oh, they were mining for iron. We call it "Sticky Note Memory" because we didn't completely forget, but we need to do some reading into to remember. Sometimes it's harder for other people.

2.) Fronting & Identity

Fronting isn't what most systems think it is. It isn't a snap and you're no longer fronting. Because we're a median system we never collectively consciously leave the front. We're all here. Currently, I'm just closer to the front. I am aware of my identity. Whether that because I want too or because the brain has decided I'm the favorite guy.

Fronting and switching is more of a flow. I'm slowly melting into someone else. It might take us awhile to figure out hey, I'm someone new. Sometimes we have what are called "Fillers" where there's an in-between. Sometimes people can spawn sometimes it's a temporary thing. However, we're collectively the "same person." Here's a diagram I have of our experience.

Some of us are less distinct than others. Some have more identity. 90% of us are facets. The 10% are fully formed headmates. But, still melt in with us to create our epic system. But, I can't speak for them on their experiences since I'm a facet and they're not. Whether they ID to that term is up to them.

Most of us are copied and pasted but have wildly different appearances and maybe a little something else added to it. I may act like a lotta my headmates because we're the same people. But, also very different at the same time. It's hard to explain.

Think of icecream. Icecream is icecream. It isn't a sandwich. But there are different flavors of icecream! I'm just a different flavor and texture. But still icecream.

But yeah, that's all I can think of at the moment. There's a lot more but I don't want to go overboard on this ask lol. Again, happy to answer any questions and such!!

thank you so so so much!!!!! this is really relatable for me

definitely with communication, like there’s a difference between what i imagine us doing vs what we do lmao. like i’ll want us to agree on something but the others are behind me like “…ehhhhh” my thoughts are often shared with them though, and i only hear them speaking, not thinking

AND THE FRONTING THING!!! i thought “well i’m definitely not a system because there’s no switches and i’m always here to some degree” (except that time the other day when i had a crisis because i didn’t know who i was and then snapped out of it lmao 😂) but the others tend to come and go, most often being at least a little here except for when they’re asleep

we are definitely separate but share consciousness to some degree. there’s a couple fragments that are part of others (like puzzle pieces that complete them), but we all have distinct personalities, appearances, roles etc.

again thank you!!!! like i’ve said i can only say so much for the others’ comfort and our safety, but it really means the world that there’s others out there like us :’]

SO TRUE

all of us are like puzzle pieces of the host so even when we’re not him we’re not *not* him yk? we do co-front a lot now that we’ve gotten the hang of it though, it’s really fun >:3

at first we thought the host was frontstuck because we’re monoconscious and have only mild amnesia, it would help if we actually REMEMBERED things 😭💀 but basically we’re more like shapes that one big piece of consciousness takes on yk? that alongside us being fragments is why we’re never not the host, hope this makes sense 💔

we do think it’s possible we have osdd because even for the first “real” recent switches we had to assume we were the host because anything other than that has always been outside the question for us. we do understand that we’re still a system if we don’t have it though! even if we do we probably won’t go seeking diagnosis for it because we’ve already tried to get diagnosed for ptsd and that’s been a little difficult, we can’t imagine how hard it is for other dissociative disorders. did havers, our heart goes out to you /gen 😔

ANYWAYS! thank you guys so much!

- 🎀 (we think 💔)

Mediple culture is being a frontstuck host and knowing someone else is cofronting but having no clue who it is

.

Oh, to be a cryptid somewhere between 'eldritch horror with too many eyes to count' and 'ethereal being composed of constellations and moonlight' who lives deep in the woods in an old and abandoned library

My thoughts exactly

sometimes i wonder what must it be like

to have a father you can talk to

without your breath getting stuck in your throat

or your heart pounding so hard like it'd burst

i wonder what it's like to have a father

you are not afraid of.

sometimes i wish i had a normal relationship

with the one man I'm supposed to trust in my life

instead, I'm afraid of him as am I

of any other man who comes my way

maybe this is what my life is going to be

always running away from every man I've known.

"My child is fine-"

Your child is so lonely and emotionally numb that they cope by living in a dream world to the point where they are terrified of living in reality itself

As a person who struggles with this specific intrusive thought to the point of having panic attacks, I needed this.

here's a little reminder that no one can read your mind or see your "weird" or "bad" thoughts and daydreams! mind readers are not real, and your inner world is entirely private. your thoughts and daydreams are not embarrassing or bad, and they do not define your morality!

everyone who keeps saying shit like "sounds like something a mind reader would say" or "mind readers are real actually" i will eat you to death and enjoy every minute of it. not the time or place

In my nightmares I’m always running to or from something and I never reach where I’m trying to go and I was wondering if running was a common occurrence in other people’s bad dreams?

When she says that your arguments with your abuser were like watching a pantomime “oh yes it is” “oh no it isn’t” while she tried to stop it when what she’s referring to is actually you being frightened and trying to defend yourself while your abuser screamed emotional abuse at you and she stood watching the whole thing (oh and by the way this was going on from birth) :

🤨

Do you ever have that longing when all you want is to go home and be hugged by the person who makes it all feel better but then your stomach drops because you realise that you can’t picture where you want to go or who you want to be hugged by??

No? Just me?

you know shit is bad when your psychologist suggests getting hospitalized

I'd make your life hell just like you did mine without any sliver of remorse

I never had any issues about knowing myself 'cause my whole family and every kind of environment crushed me by being myself, which means I was forced into knowing every inch of myself to recognize what exactly about me was seen as "wrong" by them

I didn't had a hand to feed me, in fact the hands who were supposed to do it actually were the ones that made me starve and made sure I didn't felt worth of any shit

I'll never forget what you did to me and I hate you with every inch of my being for that

mayb society can just fuk off and cry abt it if me being happy as a disabled person upsets them so fkin much

hey this spooky month can we at least try not to make the internet completely inaccessible 4 ppl w/ panic disorders, thanks

as some1 who has cPTSD i definitely agree w/ this, i think it's also worth noting that this also effects how ppl who r not even weird ""professionals"" try 2 help but also just well meaning friends n stuff, i was talking w/ my friend [qpr buddy] abt this last night actually, but like, idk if any1 else who has PTSD or cPTSD relates but 4 me at least when im having a paranoia spike and some1 tries 2 help calm me down by focusing on the idea that there's nothing 4 me 2 b afraid of and that bc im at home im safe doesn't help me bc that just 2 me makes it feel like they don't get that that's not how that works like,,, my own experiences r proof that just bc ur in a "safe place" doesn't always mean ur actually safe and it doesn't mean that there's no possibility that anything bad will happen

4 those wondering, while i can't speak 4 every1 4 me at least what helps more is some1 reassuring me that if something bad does happen we can deal w/ it, or better yet them saying that they can watch my back and b the 1 keeping an eye out 4 a bit so i can take a break from being on high alert all the time, so ig like, 4 me the phrase "ur just at home, ur safe" as caring as the intentions may b will never b as helpful as the phrase "ik ur used 2 being on high alert all the time but i can protect u/keep u safe/watch ur back so u can take a break 4 a bit, u can just relax and let me worry abt that 4 now" the 1st 1 feels like some1 trying 2 convince me that the world is a safe place and we don't need any1 trying 2 keep an eye out when my experiences contradict that, the 2nd 1 feels like the job of keeping an eye out is being delegated 2 some1 else who i trust, also worth pointing out that ppl acting like protecting some1 is an inherently romantic act or like it's "cringe" 2 wanna feel protected or w/e tf kinda bs toxic thing ur trying 2 say it is this day of the week isn't helping and it just makes it even more difficult 4 ppl like me 2 talk abt what would actually help us feel safe 4 once in our goddamn lives

mainly posting this 2 c if any1 else can relate but if this furthers some1's understanding of mental health that'd b great 2

“Many of these so-called symptoms are, in fact, well-known and well-documented coping strategies commonly and purposively employed by people who are traumatized. It is reductionistic to ignore purposiveness and to assume that the behavior and orientations in question are the product of a disorder. […] What underpins this inadequate conceptualization of the response, the underlying assumption embedded in a PTSD diagnosis, and, indeed, in many other diagnoses, is that the world is essentially a safe and benign place. In this view, there is something wrong with people who see or respond to the world as if it were otherwise.”

— Bonnie Burstow, A Critique of Posttraumatic Stress Disorder and the DSM

Knowing I can never be pure again. Knowing I can't escape him. His blood and mine run in the same family tree, he was in the hospital when I was born, we share the same birthday.

He is the reason; the catalyst for my life's brutal and deteriorating path.