Hurting - Tumblr Posts

This month I nearly lost two people in my life to suicide. Knowing I wasn't able to help or stop them from trying reminds me just how fucking useless I am. Now my sister lies in a hospital and I can't even go to see her. Support her. I should be the one in hospital now..and hopefully I won't survive. How badly I want to say goodbye... Anyway! Nobody reads captions or cares and neither do I care about me so bleh 😁 #ownpoetry #depression #depressed #anxiety #suicide #suicidal #lonely #alone #mentalhealth #hurting #cut #ishoulddie #justcozyoucantseeitdoesntmeanitsnotthere #hiddenpain #italwayscomesback #hereigoagain #nobodycansavemenow #sorryifailed #failure #betteroffdead #guessishouldhaveseenitcoming https://www.instagram.com/p/Bxkc5aAFfYAuO-AVIB9aGOGXtZYSOo_VN71hPg0/?igshid=1xrdalgrjap0i

This month I nearly lost two people in my life to suicide. Knowing I wasn't able to help or stop them from trying reminds me just how fucking useless I am. Now my sister lies in a hospital and I can't even go to see her. Support her. I should be the one in hospital now..and hopefully I won't survive. How badly I want to say goodbye... Anyway! Nobody reads captions or cares and neither do I care about me so bleh 😁 #ownpoetry #depression #depressed #anxiety #suicide #suicidal #lonely #alone #mentalhealth #hurting #cut #ishoulddie #justcozyoucantseeitdoesntmeanitsnotthere #hiddenpain #italwayscomesback #hereigoagain #nobodycansavemenow #sorryifailed #failure #betteroffdead #guessishouldhaveseenitcoming https://www.instagram.com/p/Bxkc5aAFfYAuO-AVIB9aGOGXtZYSOo_VN71hPg0/?igshid=1xrdalgrjap0i

The fighting never ceases You are left ALONE #ownpoetry #depression #depressed #anxiety #suicide #suicidal #lonely #alone #mentalhealth #hurting #cut #justcozyoucantseeitdoesntmeanitsnotthere #hiddenpain #italwayscomesback #hereigoagain #nobodycansavemenow #sorryifailed #failure #betteroffdead #guessishouldhaveseenitcoming https://www.instagram.com/p/BxkdExIFfYE7ib1PBybjNxkXIBQMZmCG8E5Ik40/?igshid=gvtpmp37qej3

The fighting never ceases You are left ALONE #ownpoetry #depression #depressed #anxiety #suicide #suicidal #lonely #alone #mentalhealth #hurting #cut #justcozyoucantseeitdoesntmeanitsnotthere #hiddenpain #italwayscomesback #hereigoagain #nobodycansavemenow #sorryifailed #failure #betteroffdead #guessishouldhaveseenitcoming https://www.instagram.com/p/BxkdExIFfYE7ib1PBybjNxkXIBQMZmCG8E5Ik40/?igshid=gvtpmp37qej3

HURT #ownpoetry #depression #depressed #anxiety #suicide #suicidal #lonely #alone #mentalhealth #hurting #cut #justcozyoucantseeitdoesntmeanitsnotthere #hiddenpain #italwayscomesback #hereigoagain #nobodycansavemenow #sorryifailed #failure #betteroffdead #guessishouldhaveseenitcoming #hurt https://www.instagram.com/p/BxkdfVoFwBJMTXsJvJfVVF5ZeAeqIoacy1530w0/?igshid=a95adrzbx4fp

HURT #ownpoetry #depression #depressed #anxiety #suicide #suicidal #lonely #alone #mentalhealth #hurting #cut #justcozyoucantseeitdoesntmeanitsnotthere #hiddenpain #italwayscomesback #hereigoagain #nobodycansavemenow #sorryifailed #failure #betteroffdead #guessishouldhaveseenitcoming #hurt https://www.instagram.com/p/BxkdfVoFwBJMTXsJvJfVVF5ZeAeqIoacy1530w0/?igshid=a95adrzbx4fp

LOVE #ownpoetry #depression #depressed #anxiety #suicide #suicidal #lonely #alone #mentalhealth #hurting #cut #justcozyoucantseeitdoesntmeanitsnotthere #hiddenpain #italwayscomesback #hereigoagain #nobodycansavemenow #sorryifailed #failure #betteroffdead #guessishouldhaveseenitcoming #love https://www.instagram.com/p/Bxkd2VtFEhYeSJ94wcIBSQwvTy0t3OOdMnTLNA0/?igshid=6fmccl2ob9s3

LOVE #ownpoetry #depression #depressed #anxiety #suicide #suicidal #lonely #alone #mentalhealth #hurting #cut #justcozyoucantseeitdoesntmeanitsnotthere #hiddenpain #italwayscomesback #hereigoagain #nobodycansavemenow #sorryifailed #failure #betteroffdead #guessishouldhaveseenitcoming #love https://www.instagram.com/p/Bxkd2VtFEhYeSJ94wcIBSQwvTy0t3OOdMnTLNA0/?igshid=6fmccl2ob9s3

FEAR #ownpoetry #depression #depressed #anxiety #suicide #suicidal #lonely #alone #mentalhealth #hurting #cut #justcozyoucantseeitdoesntmeanitsnotthere #hiddenpain #italwayscomesback #hereigoagain #nobodycansavemenow #sorryifailed #failure #betteroffdead #guessishouldhaveseenitcoming #fear https://www.instagram.com/p/Bxkd8DplI-Qqqjm-DQns5Y8H-r2CKiK5BRNrt80/?igshid=10oxhmgnq9zn0

FEAR #ownpoetry #depression #depressed #anxiety #suicide #suicidal #lonely #alone #mentalhealth #hurting #cut #justcozyoucantseeitdoesntmeanitsnotthere #hiddenpain #italwayscomesback #hereigoagain #nobodycansavemenow #sorryifailed #failure #betteroffdead #guessishouldhaveseenitcoming #fear https://www.instagram.com/p/Bxkd8DplI-Qqqjm-DQns5Y8H-r2CKiK5BRNrt80/?igshid=10oxhmgnq9zn0

"Your tears don't fall They crash around me" "The moments died I hear no screaming The visions left inside me Are slowly fading" ~BFMV #ownpoetry #depression #depressed #anxiety #suicide #suicidal #lonely #alone #mentalhealth #hurting #cut #justcozyoucantseeitdoesntmeanitsnotthere #hiddenpain #italwayscomesback #hereigoagain #nobodycansavemenow #sorryifailed #failure #betteroffdead #guessishouldhaveseenitcoming #love #words #poetry #songlyrics #bfmv #bulletformyvalentine #tearsdontfall https://www.instagram.com/p/BzH-8hLFhmEKZ_4qfKD_IjnvR8vmwXLmwIYLmE0/?igshid=yfokl38b2cdz

"Your tears don't fall They crash around me" "The moments died I hear no screaming The visions left inside me Are slowly fading" ~BFMV #ownpoetry #depression #depressed #anxiety #suicide #suicidal #lonely #alone #mentalhealth #hurting #cut #justcozyoucantseeitdoesntmeanitsnotthere #hiddenpain #italwayscomesback #hereigoagain #nobodycansavemenow #sorryifailed #failure #betteroffdead #guessishouldhaveseenitcoming #love #words #poetry #songlyrics #bfmv #bulletformyvalentine #tearsdontfall https://www.instagram.com/p/BzH-8hLFhmEKZ_4qfKD_IjnvR8vmwXLmwIYLmE0/?igshid=yfokl38b2cdz

"When you look at my life Tell me what do you see? I'm only human So don't expect too much from me I lost my faith, what have I become? I don't think I can be safe from what I'm running from Will you remember me if I Were to fall into the sky? And what will they think of me If I leave it all behind? When I leave it all behind Would you be so surprised If I gave up tonight? I'm barely breathing I wanna kill the pain I feel inside" ~Sleeping With Sirens This song means so much to me #ownpoetry #depression #depressed #anxiety #suicide #suicidal #lonely #alone #mentalhealth #hurting #cut #justcozyoucantseeitdoesntmeanitsnotthere #hiddenpain #italwayscomesback #hereigoagain #nobodycansavemenow #sorryifailed #failure #betteroffdead #imgivingup #guessishouldhaveseenitcoming #love #words #poetry #songlyrics #sleepingwithsirens #sws #leaveitallbehind https://www.instagram.com/p/BzH_18IlrytqsLpIlSqis02TvyQEq4MxYZeSNk0/?igshid=12p2gsyred7yw

The end brings out the best in some and the worst in others. #ownpoetry #depression #depressed #anxiety #suicide #suicidal #lonely #alone #mentalhealth #hurting #cut #justcozyoucantseeitdoesntmeanitsnotthere #hiddenpain #italwayscomesback #hereigoagain #nobodycansavemenow #sorryifailed #failure #betteroffdead #guessishouldhaveseenitcoming #love #words #poetry #end https://www.instagram.com/p/BzH_8tYlfMT4E4lPX8Pl1Zc_0m066EYvK0zRn80/?igshid=11smp4c1cuzxd

Things may seem like it's getting better But I am only getting better at hurting myself To save you the pain ~© #ownpoetry #depression #depressed #anxiety #suicide #suicidal #lonely #alone #mentalhealth #hurting #cut #pain #better #hidemypain #hidemypainwithasmile #justcozyoucantseeitdoesntmeanitsnotthere #hiddenpain #italwayscomesback #hereigoagain #nobodycansavemenow #sorryifailed #failure #betteroffdead #guessishouldhaveseenitcoming https://www.instagram.com/p/BzOcKbklyVc5mZ1-ot5xEa_ZEPTQEvp6j9wG6E0/?igshid=jraocycdznzq

I am afraid ~© #ownpoetry #depression #depressed #anxiety #suicide #suicidal #lonely #alone #mentalhealth #hurting #cut #pain #better #hidemypain #hidemypainwithasmile #justcozyoucantseeitdoesntmeanitsnotthere #hiddenpain #italwayscomesback #hereigoagain #nobodycansavemenow #sorryifailed #failure #betteroffdead #guessishouldhaveseenitcoming #afraid #fear #anxious #scared #ireallyneedyourightnow https://www.instagram.com/p/BzOcXzklgy5VuHmMUlYlXWTrqa2dYZxSMcGpDE0/?igshid=14b6p127vnw08

"Little girl, Little girl why are you crying? Inside your restless soul Your heart is dying Little one, Little one your soul is purging Of love and razor blades your blood is surging" ~Green Day #ownpoetry #depression #depressed #anxiety #suicide #suicidal #lonely #alone #mentalhealth #hurting #cut #pain #better #hidemypain #hidemypainwithasmile #justcozyoucantseeitdoesntmeanitsnotthere #hiddenpain #italwayscomesback #hereigoagain #nobodycansavemenow #sorryifailed #failure #betteroffdead #guessishouldhaveseenitcoming #afraid #fear #anxious #scared #ireallyneedyourightnow https://www.instagram.com/p/Bzse7f_lnYd_oz7D7W2bz1x3h-pnWPXRA11c4k0/?igshid=wzke81jrcbs9

#ownpoetry #depression #depressed #anxiety #suicide #suicidal #lonely #alone #mentalhealth #hurting #cut #pain #better #hidemypain #hidemypainwithasmile #justcozyoucantseeitdoesntmeanitsnotthere #hiddenpain #italwayscomesback #hereigoagain #nobodycansavemenow #sorryifailed #failure #betteroffdead #guessishouldhaveseenitcoming #afraid #fear #anxious #scared #ireallyneedyourightnow https://www.instagram.com/p/B0vcPfvFpP5ZRY_pYDVBvB4RxobxHhC-OC75j80/?igshid=16t2p82u29yjz

Goose? Hell no!

I can’t, I am hurt

“Hyunjin one shot”

Pairing: Hwang Hyunjin x female reader

Genre: Angst

Warnings: mention of anxiety and blood

Word count: 1.6 K

A/N: I wanted to write something but I wrote this :”)

[12:00 AM]

I am sitting, alone in a corner of my room. Hugging my knees with my head low; it’s dark and the moonlight is the only source of light which is falling on the room and keeping it a dim so that the room is not pitch dark. Everything seems like, I don’t have any feeling anymore. The moment he left me saying; “I am done with you” still hurts me. It’s been two days; I want to stop thinking about him. My fingers didn’t stop bleeding although I stopped scratching my thumbs; now the second finger is also bleeding of both my hands. My tears stopped falling; although I want to cry more but it was like I couldn’t anymore. I was scared, scared to see anyone like that anymore; people might come and start hitting me again, I can’t handle that anymore specially after he left. He always saved me whenever I had tough time with people, he stopped people from abusing me and he brought me here to live with him so that I could escape from them and we could live together. I was scared, that everything might repeat the way it was in past, before meeting him. I wanted to tell myself, that I am okay but it’s just me in the end who wasn’t ready to accept the lie.  

   I wish he could come and talk to me; I wish he could take me in his arms. I can’t wait to touch him once more, I miss him. I miss his feeling, I miss his warmth, I miss his voice. I just miss everything. I miss the way he smiled at me. I miss him cuddling with me until I sleep. The bed seems cold now; without him.

 How much I tried to stop myself from thinking but I can’t.

 2 DAYS AGO

  It was raining. I was near the window in our bedroom; I heard Hyunjin enter and he sighed; he was late as usual. “Hyunjin, you had dinner? It’s quite late” I heard Hyunjin sigh. I looked at him he was sitting on the bed. “Hyunjin, is something bothering you?”

“Nothing. Stop, I am sick of it”

I told myself that it’s okay maybe he didn’t mean it.

“Okay, I will stop, just let me know when will you be okay.”

“I’ll be okay once you will stop bothering me.” He looked at me.

“Hyunjin, I understand. I won’t as-”

“What do you understand? Tell me? What do you know?” he suddenly started shouting.

“Hyunjin calm down, please you’re scaring me.” I was scared. I was scared what he might break things again infront of me.

This was the second week; he was behaving like this. He was always so stressed and I give him space for that. I tell myself to help him but he just keeps on blaming me for everything. He comes home late, all stressed and I try to help him but it doesn’t help him. I let him take out his anger and frustration on me because I was scared of him leaving me.  His behavior was getting harsh and I was getting scared. Last Sunday he broke 3 glasses just in one go. This Tuesday, he threw the plates on the floor during dinner; because I asked him to eat with me.

“Shut up” he threw my favorite flower vase in the floor; it broke into thousand pieces. He gave it to me on my birthday. It was reminding me of my childhood. The way I was treated, my memories were scaring me. I hate my past. He knew everything well that I can’t take this, not after when I nearly faced my death one day. His behavior was scaring me the most, the way he was doing things.

“Hyun-Hyunjin please don’t do. Hyunjin please” I shouted

“I am done with you.”

“Hyunjin, listen”

“You just give headache to me. You are annoying” he said looking at me and I was already crying.

As he went out, I broke down on the floor. I was devastated; I wanted to run to him and stop him but I couldn’t. Something was holding me back. I snuggled up in a corner.

[12:30 am]

Since then, I was a mess. I don’t care how I looked right now; I just wanted to see him and hold him tight. I told myself, even if he wanted to leave me one day; I will let him go because I want him to be happy. But now his love made me weak. I miss the way we randomly started walking at midnight in the streets, his soft kisses, our random night dates. I miss everything.

Hyunjin POV

[11:30 pm]

 I miss her. “Jeongin, I want to see her, should I just go and say sorry for everything? I shouldn’t have done that and I know she hated when people threw things and get into arguments. I realized my mistake, I let my anger take over me. I shouldn’t have done that Innie. I-” I broke down infront of him. Jeongin hugged me tight. “Yah, don’t cry and go. I know you miss her; she loves and you love her too. You couldn’t focus on anything since that night you came to dorm at 1 AM. Go and hold her tight in your arms again. She must be scared. She is closest with me after you, she isn’t picking up her phone and I guess the battery is dead now because it says the call is unreachable.” Jeongin looked at me with a smile. I noticed it was just me and Jeongin in the practice room because everyone left after practice hours; I got up and took my black cap and mask and went out. I drove to our place.

[12:30 am]

   I rang the bell, but there was no response. I took out the spare key and opened the door, I called her name; she wasn’t giving me any response. I ran to our bedroom and opened the door; I heard screams as soon as I opened the door.

 “NO. DON’T HURT ME PLEASE. PLEASE GO. HE LEFT ME ALONE SO PLEASE GO.” She shouted.

“Y/N!” I said her name

“DON’T COME NEAR ME PLEASE!! GO!” She was crying and shouting.

I ran to her and hugged her tight. She was a crying mess, “Baby, I am here; I am sorry.” I tried to calm her down. She was grabbing my shirt tight. I was patting on her back. “Hyunjin don’t leave me please, I hate being alone. Please don’t leave me alone Hyunjin. Please, stay with me. I am scared.”

I blamed myself for being so careless towards her. She is a mess right now because of me. I made her like this.

“I am not leaving you alone. I am here with you” I told her, I hoped that it would help her. I looked at the room, it’s still the same as that night. The broken pieces of her favorite flower vase were still on the floor, the bed sheet is not on the bed anymore. Her bleeding fingers were holding my shirt tight.

“Hyunjin please just please” she cried out again, she was hurting and I am the one who was hurting her. I hated myself for doing this; to make suffer like this.

“I am right here, just by your side. Okay? Shh, calm down. Everything’s good now.”

She slowly calmed down. I looked her; her face was pale. She looked lifeless. I wiped her tears and carried her, and took her to bed carefully. She sat there, holding the tip of my shirt. I was about to bring the first aid kit to clean her finger tips which were bleeding; “Hyunjin please don’t go please” I looked at her; she started crying again. I was getting weak, looking at her like this made me weak. I hated her tears the most in my life and now I am the reason of her tears.

“I am not going anywhere, don’t worry. Let me bring the first aid? okay?” her eyes said it all, she was hesitating but she let go of my shirt. I brought the first aid kit. I cleaned her finger tips carefully; she had a habit of scratching her finger tips when she is worried and blaming herself. I applied cream and then wrapped a band-aid. “Hyunjin, I am annoying sorry. I will try- I sealed her lips with a kiss.

She was clearing blaming everything on herself. I wanted her to stop that. Everything was more than enough; I couldn’t let her suffer any more.

“You are not annoying; I am sorry I said that to you. I am sorry for behaving like a damn asshole since few weeks. I was stressed and I always let out my anger on you and also let me anger take over me.

I kept the first aid kit on the bed and cleaned the floor. I went to her, looked at her.

“Do you want to eat something? Should I cook something for you?” I asked her

“No, can I just cuddle with you? Hyunjin please.” She requested me, which she rarely did and I would never reject her request.

“Of course, we can. I will give you warm cuddles with love” I said her. She smiled.

Both of us we were cuddling, I was holding her tight and her hands were around my waist. “Hyunjin, I love you”

“I love you too my baby” I said her and she drifted to sleep.