Life Tips - Tumblr Posts
Life Tip #55
a short list of places to escape this dimension:
grocery stores just before closing time, when the people have begun clearing out and you are surrounded by aisles of bright chip bags, the chill of cold meat, the hum of flickering lights, whirring bread ovens, and the loudest noise is the soft tapping of your footsteps echoing throughout the store. you pass an employee, wave hello, but they vanish once they pass by the holiday display and you never see them again. there is no longer food lining the shelves. the products consist of your musings of the universe and what you imagine should be there. somehow, you know where everything is, but only because you have willed it to that place.
gas stations past midnight, when your headlights are brighter than the lights hanging above you, and the smell of gasoline grows stronger the more you think about it. the voice coming out of the machine is different, but you’re not sure if it’s gotten higher or lower, you’re not sure if you’re hearing a voice anymore and yet, you understand everything it’s saying. the swipe of your card is instinct, you’re not sure how much gas cost, but your tank is full now and you hear barking and howling in the distance. it’s strange. you don’t remember there being wolves or coyotes in this area.
streams off the side of the highway at sunrise, where the morning rush hasn’t yet started and for once, the sound of the water outweighs the rumble of streetcars and the water splashes recklessly across the rocks. you wonder when mother nature will take back her earth. you wonder if it is already happening.
empty patios at evening parties when the stars and you stand alone with an icy cold drink in your hand that you can’t hold onto for too long before your hand turns red and numb. your arms have goosebumps and you stare out into the sky, licking your lips, trying to put feeling back into your hands.
school classrooms when the entire student body is at an assembly and you stand alone in the room, basking in the silence.
Life Tip #56
a handy list for referring to a “penis” in a story using different synonyms and what the connotations are:
penis - simple, basic (but not overused). a respectable word, probably used in medical contexts or by a very beginner fanfiction author who just discovered what a smut was and is still highly uncomfortable with the idea of “bad words.” sometimes dropped in by more experienced authors who just need a break from typing out “dick” all the time.
dick (richard) - most common usage, mainly because if you write dick, you’re writing either a smut or crack fic--sometimes both (probably both). familiar enough to be glanced over without a second thought. only a 12 year-old would truly be alarmed by this word but otherwise, your audience won’t be fazed. do not suddenly change from penis to dick or else your readers will be completely caught off guard. if you’re gonna use dick, start with it.
cock - less common than dick, but otherwise, mostly the same as dick, except this one has the potential for a lot of rooster puns. dropped a lot in dirty talk, so use this for dialogue. always strange to see this in any other context. (ex. His cock was his crown glory, a lengthy spear which he used to stifle sexual cravings.) on the other hand, do it, that reads amazingly.
groin - if you use groin, you’re either writing it from the perspective of a respectable “well to do” protagonist or your audience is a bunch of young teenagers. highly doubtful that this would be used in any sexual context. your character probably just kneed somebody in the balls.
phallus - okay first of all lmAO, cannot picture anybody using this seriously, even though this is the word you’re supposed to use seriously. like imagine somebody asking, “you wanna suck my phallus, baby? you want it?” that fucking kills me. anyways, if you want to look like a victorian age romanticist, use phallus, be my guest. this is the kind of word your parents use when you first asked how babies are made because they didn’t want to expose your ears to hearing “penis”
joystick - whoever decided to refer to their dick as a joystick is my hero. genuinely one of the funniest mental images i have ever had to associate with a penis. i mean technically speaking, i guess it is a stick(?) and if it brings you joy then good for you !! keep doing you, you funky gamer frat boy
dong, schlong - listen,,, what the fUCK. saying this just makes it sound like your penis is some kind of sentient being, or like a miniature pet you keep tucked inside your pants. “scuse me ma’am, my dong needs to pee” god what even
weenie - you are a kindergartner teacher. that’s it. there is no other permitted context in which you are allowed to describe a penis as a weenie.
willie, willy - h u h ?? this is really a thing? people really just walk around calling their dick a willy? ain’t that a name?? i’m so sorry williams who live in britain (which is like all of you), you guys must’ve been the brunt of too many jokes in secondary school
winkle - yah, so the british are fucked up and if you say this in front of me, i will never be able to take you seriously again.
member - i know that for most people, this takes on the same/similar connotations as dick and cock do, but i just ?? why does there seem to be like a kink for making your dick seem like a separate being of its own,,, why, why is that a thing
Life Tip #57
a sample list of things to do to feel a little more alive
buy brownie mix from the store. follow the directions on the back. when the brownies are almost cooked, dump an entire bag of mini marshmallows onto the top so that it forms a gooey layer. allow it to sit in the oven long enough for you to doubt whether it’ll actually be good or not. eat it. wonder why you’ve ever doubted yourself or the marshmallows.
go to the store. purchase a small packet of every single flavor of kool-aid available. pour them into a cup. mix in water. stir. create the ultimate kool-aid flavor. drink. ask yourself why you take advice from the internet. drink more. drink water to get rid of the taste. realize water now tastes like kool-aid. understand the consequences of your actions by enduring the week long torture of not having taste buds. only kool-aid.
paint a self-portrait with finger paints from the dollar store. do it on a tri-fold poster board. laugh at the shortcomings of the public education system. give yourself fangs because you’ve always wanted them. add a little party hat. you’re not sure what you’re celebrating but it feels nice to celebrate.
take a piece of chalk and walk around the neighborhood drawing smiley faces so small that you’d have to be looking for them to find them. admire the funky little gnome in your neighbor’s yard. give them a name. walk another block and draw a dick. it’s not funny but laugh, just so you remember what your laugh sounds like.
head out to the nearest park or field. scan for dog poop. lay down (preferably not in the dog poop). stare up at the sky. close your eyes because the sky becomes boring. imagine what color you would’ve made the sky if you could choose. open them. the sky’s still blue but it’s nice to pretend.
make a love potion. pour drinking water into a cup and realize you’re actually quite thirsty. drink the water. come to the conclusion that you should take care of yourself more often. fall in love with yourself.
Life Tip #58
Some good things to remember that you might forget:
No one is guaranteed a second chance but people can change. You as a person are perfectly capable of evolving and adapting. You will always have the option to become better.
Don’t microwave marshmallows for longer than twenty seconds. It’s tempting but don’t.
It’s okay to have wanted something and not get it. You don’t need to use hindsight bias in every situation. (ex. Getting a bad grade on the test and being like “oh, I didn’t even really try anyway.”) You don’t have to make every shot you take.
If you have bad food in the house, you will eat the bad food. Eliminate the temptation entirely by having a set grocery list when you go to the store and try crossing out processed foods to the best of your ability! Your body is gorgeous and I want you to take care of it.
Don’t fucking touch the horsehair on string instrument bows !! Don’t do that !!
Please please please do not eat the crunchy fall leaves, they are not good for munchies.
Telling somebody about your problems does not make you demanding. You are a human being and your emotions are valid.
People don’t have to like you. You don’t exist for anybody else, no matter how many times somebody will try to reinforce that idea.
The parsley comes out of the bottle faster than you expect. Be ready. Do not allow it to dominate.
It’s hard to say “I love you” but it’s good to practice. Tell yourself “I love you” a lot more often than you think you should. Chances are, it’s never going to be too much.
Life Tip #59
how to tell if someone is actually a piece of bread:
chomp.
Life Tip #60
love charms to get a boyfriend/girlfriend/partner:
write their name on an eraser and once the eraser is completely used, the feelings will be returned (supposedly)
find a coin in your birth year, tie it up with a red string, and do not spend it, but keep it in your purse/wallet
toss a coin into your local wishing well and wish for the feelings to be requited
save your fallen eyelashes until you have seven of them and blow them away as you say your wish
find out their lucky number and fold the same amount of paper stars before making your wish
have them drink a love potion with rosemary, anise seeds, honey, red wine, cloves, and germanium leaves
the ultimate love charm:
listen up cowards, i’m just gonna be real honest with you, you just gotta tell them. you have to tell them that you’ve got feelings for them and that you’d like to pursue a relationship with them because that’s the only guarantee that anything will happen. march up to them and tell them that you like them as more than friends, acquaintances, or whatever the hell you guys are. and yes, there is no guarantee that they’re going to like you back, and there’s no protection against them rejecting you. but you have to be just a little bit brave. unwrap your feelings and hold them out to the world because that’s the only way you’re ever going to feel alive. i believe in you. just remember that your world will never be crafted around a singular person other than yourself. your universe will move on even if you are rejected.
straight up, just shoot your shot.
Life Tip #61
as the jolly season of Christmas music rounds us, remember to stock yourself with plenty of “bah, humbug!” energy to prepare for the peak of mariah carey’s power.
Life Tip #62
“reblog for good luck” posts are fantastic and they give the same kind of giddy excitement that you had when you were a kid throwing a penny in a wishing well but friendly reminder that even when you reblog something and something really good happens, luck is only 5% and every single good decision you’ve made up until that point constituted the other 95%.
good things happening to you isn’t just luck. the universe decided you deserved it.
Life Tip #63
not sure how to start turning your life around? be honest about what you like !! life became infinitely easier after i admitted that horror movies and anything remotely gorey was terrifying and i actually hated them bc i no longer had to sit through them and pretend like i was enjoying myself. you are allowed to have opinions and you are allowed to not share things in common with people !! ppl will still like you even if you don’t share the same preferences.
Life Tip #64
love the taste of lush bath bombs but don’t like the feeling of itty bitty grains in your mouth? use a knife to shave off small parts of the bath bomb every day into a glass of water like kool-aid powder! the grains will dissolve and you’ll be left with a bath bomb with multiple usages!
Life Tip #65
make out with your partner while in quarantine...ahaha jk...no really jk, we have to practice social distancing for public health bro
Life Tip #66
if one of your friends starts dating a jolene, simply end the friendship right then and there. dolly parton doesn’t deserve this disrespect.
Life Tip #67
delete tumblr and instead follow instagram accounts that repost tumblr posts. nobody should have to experience that stuff that happens on here firsthand
Life advice: don't do anything with your life that you wouldn't be happy explaining to the paramedics
Are you constantly wanting to do A Thing but never know how to do The Thing?
Does figuring out where to start a task and knowing what steps need to be taken to complete the task stress you out?
Lemme introduce you to...
goblin.tools
For example, you want to clean your oven.
You simply go to the website and in the "Add new item" box, you type "clean the oven". You can then also use the lil chillies next to the plus to change the level of breaking-down you'd like. Next, hit the magic wand-looking button to break it down!
You can check off items as you go, and further break things down if desired!
It works on large tasks such as planning a cross-country trip, writing a book or going on vacation and smaller tasks such as cleaning an oven.
There's also tools for task time estimation, meal-prep that takes into account dietary constraints, equipment and such, and a braindump compiler.
It's available as an IOS/Android app for less than a dollar, or a free web app. I can't hype this up enough, the developers deserve so much love for this.
Weirdly anti-millennial articles have scraped the bottom of the barrel so hard that they are now two feet down into the topsoil
Getting back on track after a slump
Life is non-linear as it turns out. Sometimes you're doing great and then all of a sudden you're completely thrown off and are struggling to get up.
It happens to pretty much everyone, and even though you can't really prevent a slump from happening, you can use this advice to help you get back on track
Make a list of what you have to do Sit down, make yourself some tea or coffee and just start writing what you need to do. Missed a deadline with that unfinished paper? Write it down, add a sub-bullet to ask for an extension/send an email explaining your circumstances to your professor/teacher (they're also human, chances are if you notify and explain the situation to them, they will do their best to help you).
Break down those tasks into sub-tasks. By simplifying and breaking down your tasks into smaller chunks you're not only making it easier to do them, but you're also helping yourself get rid of some anxieties or fears since that task now looks much easier and more manageable to accomplish.
Update or create a new routine. Whether your routine contributed towards this slump or not, its always good to update your routine as you grow and change. What may have worked then may not necessarily be appropriate or helpful now. We humans are creatures of change, it's only natural that we outgrow our past.
Take it slow when easing back into your routine. Going too fast can actually be counter-productive, because you should be naturally aligning yourself with it and not forcing yourself into something you're not completely ready to follow. Trying to overcompensate generally isn't a good idea, as putting extra pressure on yourself especially when you're just trying to get everything sorted may not end very well.
Write down your goals and dreams to help you get motivated. It may seem difficult and at times pointless to try and get back on track, and reminding yourself about your goals and aims can definitely encourage you to take the steps to getting back on track or starting over.
Talk to someone about what you're feeling and going through. Your school or uni have counselors and people who can help you get through this if you require help. You don't necessarily have to jump straight into it, just start with a friendly email briefly explaining the situation and go from there.