Origins - Tumblr Posts
guys you should totally join this minecraft server im not hypnotizing you trust me
hear me out here
i make a modded (java) minecraft server for any lil tumblr losers who want to join
ill probably make a discord server for it to gather some people, i will post the invite link if enough people are interested :o)
Coming home. This place, @eatsofasia inside #YYC's @crossroadsmarketyyc, is where I got my first real taste of kitchen life. From here, the places I've been and the places I'll go, I'll always consider this place as a home away from home. #ChefApprenticeLife #OriginStories #yycfood #yyc #Origins #尋找他郷的故事 (at Eats of Asia - EoA)
Can you feel the anime in this
But yeah, some people thought of this thing after the bit of a talk on antiseptic in this video [that has something to do with surgery, so watch out!!].
Learned Behaviour
His dad was abusive. Violent. And his father before him.
Once he asked his dad for money for a field trip and his dad threw him into a wall so hard he went through the drywall and ended up in his sister's closet.
He wasn't born with these skills.
His mother told him when he was in highschool that regardless of what happened, she would always back her husband over him.
He wasn't born cold.
I know exactly where he comes from.
Unwanted Visitor
Tw - csa;
I melted down today.
My uncle who decided to stick his tongue down my throat when I was 13, and asked me if I wanted to fuck my uncle is coming to visit. And staying with my parents. I currently live with my parents.
My folks were not aware of the shit he did. My mother asked me how I felt about him coming and i said that I didn't know. Then in a moment of .... Fucking ... Something i told her he'd been ' inappropriate ' with me. And i would not be staying with him while he was there.
She responded by insisting i talk about what happened - I didn't. And when I said I was a little girl she said " well, you weren't that little... "
I.... Cant. I have barely enough cranial to deal with one crisis. I cannot handle another situation now.
I also haven't worked through this one at all with a therapist. It was buried real deep. REAL DEEP. Under a great deal of shame - because i think i told him that i did, i may have flirted back and feel somewhere that this was something I had asked for.
Fucked up relationships with men? Gosh, wonder where that came from...
Man of his word. When it suited him.
It was early days, so the movie thing made me angry. He knew I was looking forward to something and he took it away from me. And did said thing with his ex. And then lied about it. Twice.
When I am angry, I need time to calm down. He never understood this.
While I was at work the next day, he bought me flowers when he went grocery shopping. He did that periodically at the beginning, but it was never for me. It was so I would shower him with praise for doing something so sweet.
I still wasn’t in the praising mood.
He called me a bitch and he told me he’d never buy me flowers again. If memory serves correctly, he stuck to his guns.
This was nine years ago.
Strike One.
In the first year we were together, he cheated on me with his sister’s girlfriend.
Yes, you read that correctly.
The Twelfth
For about three years we lived on a county road. Our home was a detached “mother-in-law” suite on the property of a woman who really didn’t know how to maintain property.
We had countless issues that never got resolved: the hot water heater purged itself onto the floor semi-regularly, the heat would suddenly and unexpectedly cease causing our pipes to freeze, the ceiling had holes in it that were supposed to be fixed before we moved in (hah) and we had a mouse problem like you’ve never seen.
He got me in the habit of romanticizing living in the middle of no where. Parts of it I really did enjoy; I used to love running out there at night. It was also quiet at night and dark, plus I could lay out on the back porch naked and no one was the wiser.
But some of the very worst moments of my life are out there.
All those issues I listed above became the list of grievances he had against me. We had to deal with these problems because I still wasn’t making enough money, and that was because I was a lazy stupid cunt with no ambition and no respect for him and how hard he had to work.
He screamed at me so hard some times that he gave himself a nose bleed. I didn’t even know that was possible. The physical abuse really gained a foothold here, too.
Which made sense. There were fewer neighbours to hear me crying.
Is it any wonder?
TW - self harm
When he was in his early teens, he confessed to his parents that he had urges to hurt himself. He wanted to take one of his hunting knives and plunge it into his gut.
I’m not a mother, so maybe I don’t know, but if my kid came up to me and told me he was having a hard time not gutting himself, I’m pretty sure we’d be dropping everything and going to the hospital to get some professional help.
They took away his hunting knives. That’s it.
I won’t say that I am ashamed that my heart strings still get pulled when I think of the things he suffered. So much of what I’ve read makes me think that as a survivor I’m supposed to be as cold toward him as he was to me.
I can’t do that. I loved this man, and the things that haunted him, haunted me. And I can mourn for the life he may have had if things had been different.
The difference is, rereading these posts, my heart swells for him, but there is no longer the urge to run over and sweep him into a hug he’d probably reject. I won’t accept the shit he’s endured justifying what he did to me.
That is progress.
Learned Behaviour
His dad was abusive. Violent. And his father before him.
Once he asked his dad for money for a field trip and his dad threw him into a wall so hard he went through the drywall and ended up in his sister’s closet.
He wasn’t born with these skills.
His mother told him when he was in highschool that regardless of what happened, she would always back her husband over him.
He wasn’t born cold.
I know exactly where he comes from.
Mother of the Year
His sister really struggled with depression and suicidal ideation in her early teens. It was very inconvenient for his parents.
His mother made him check on his sister sometimes “to make sure she hadn’t killed herself” because she just “couldn’t stomach it” anymore.
I .. just... what?
The first time I ever heard the n word used in person, it was at his family’s dinner table.
I was dumbfounded.
Amazing
Tw - sexual assault
I had a fling with a boy who lived two doors over when i was in highschool. We met up for sex once and a while. I usually snuck in his bedroom window.
Once when we were 16, he tried to fist me despite me being adament and vocal that this was not something I wanted or was enjoying. He failed and I squirmed away.
He just moved back in with his parents too. Meaning we, once again, live two doors away from one another.
Amazing.
I wonder how I would handle the normal day to day stress of life he hadn't been manipulating me to distrust and hate myself in the formative years of my early adulthood.
Most people learn coping skills during those years; they figure out how to 'get on with it' in the face of challenges.
I don't have coping skills except for avoidance. Distraction. Or I sweat and visualize all the ways I'm going to screw this up or not have the skills to be successful.
I am defeated before I begin.
Was I always like this?
My heart softens when I look at these pictures. And I mourn for this little guy.
It's hard to see the man who became of that sweet face.
He did not understand sentimental value. I keep little things that people give me or that remind me of special times.
Some people keep pictures in this way. These things are fabrics in the tapestry of your history But not to him. Junk. Hoarding. Wasting space.
His mom gave him old pictures of him and his family. He didn't care and was really angry when I insisted we keep them. So he made me hold on to them, and here I am still holding on to them out of guilt.
These things are all sacred. I am having such a terrible time trying to throw them out.
I picked a day where i was too exhausted from working around the house to care much and threw them out.
Another piece of him has been wiped from my life .
He did not understand sentimental value. I keep little things that people give me or that remind me of special times.
Some people keep pictures in this way. These things are fabrics in the tapestry of your history But not to him. Junk. Hoarding. Wasting space.
His mom gave him old pictures of him and his family. He didn't care and was really angry when I insisted we keep them. So he made me hold on to them, and here I am still holding on to them out of guilt.
These things are all sacred. I am having such a terrible time trying to throw them out.
Double Standard Series - Episode 1
Example 1. When we were still teenagers, he had a bearded dragon. One of its favourite things to eat was mixed greens.
He made me wash and scrub each leaf individually. An entire package of this shit. It would take me over an hour.
On a rare occasion where he volunteered to do the cleaning, I walked in on him washing the lettuce en masse in a colander. You know, the way any other reasonable person would.
I asked why I was forced to clean it in such an over-the-top way. He told me that I was inherently lazy and that if he didn’t give me very specific, detailed, and meticulous instructions that I would slack and his animal would die.
He was protecting his animal and making me a better person at the same time. He was insulted that I didn’t see it that way.
I wrote this the day after my first-ever post. I was a mess. I'm still a mess, but it's a different kind of mess.
I still wonder at times if I need someone to 'keep me in line.' I have a partner who is kind and gentle, and has no interest in taming or training me.
I still don't trust that I am good enough to be hers. Or anyone's.
Uphill all the way
Sometimes I feel like he’s right. That I’m crazy. That he is a good man who tried so hard to help me become a functioning adult. That I was just too fucked up to make him happy.
It’s a funny thing to be trained not to trust yourself.
Support Character - Part 1
When we were teenagers and I was still living at home, he worked very hard to get me to play Ultima Online. It's an online RPG game, similar in style to World of Warcraft.
Silly me, I thought he wanted me to participate in something he enjoyed. Of course not, he wanted me to play healer.
That can be fun in some scenarios, but of course it wasn't here. I didn't get any input on quests, areas or achievements. It equated to me following him around everywhere, and clicking the heal while he played.
I was in the support role. It was all about him. It was to be the theme of the next 12 years of my life.
Couldn't pass up that Avatar reference
settle this for me once and for all
is “chai” a TYPE of tea??! bc in Hindi/Urdu, the word chai just means tea