Self Destructive - Tumblr Posts

Self destruct x10

One of the requirements that had to be met before he could "forgive me" and we could get back together was he had to meet and surpass me in sexual partners.

I went through a period of hypersexuality in response to trauma during my youth and my number was higher than his.

He wanted me to find and offer up women ( including friends) for him to "have". Thankfully this never worked out, but he did fine on his own.

After every new woman he would have unprotected sex with me so that if he "got something" from them we would both have it.

That way he wouldn't have to suffer alone. After all, he was never the one who wanted this.

Shame

I want to tell my mom that I'm so sorry for all this. I feel like she raised a better woman than how I've turned out.

Experienced.

He wanted more experiences.  He felt that I had cheated him out of a good life.

His experiences were based on decisions he’d made: he bought a motorcycle instead of travelling.  He played paintball every weekend in the summer instead of trying different things.  He insisted we needed to “stay home and clean this shithole up” (of course meaning I had to clean the house - which I generally kept quite orderly, in spite of him) if he ever did have a weekend off paintball instead of taking day trips. He was excessively conservative financially when it came to leisure activities with me.  If he wasn’t spending money on his bike or paintball, then he argued that we ought to be doing something for the house.

So things got dull, but he made it impossible for me to improve upon these circumstances.  He’d isolated me from my friends, and then complained that I never invited anyone over.  He told me I didn’t love him because I never bought him things or planned outings for us, but also insisted I should not be spending any money as I made so little and didn’t have the choice to be spontaneous.  He’d be furious that I never surprised him, but reminded me all the time that he hated surprises (unless they were really really good).  I never let us go anywhere because the house was always “filthy” and we couldn’t leave it in that state, athough he never had a problem leaving it to me.

I was the cause of him never getting to have any fun. If you count out all the paintball, going to the gun range, the strip clubs and bars he went to with his buddies*, zipping around on his motorcycle, and overdosing on video games while I cooked/cleaned/laundered/fixed drinks.

So after we had broken up, he looked to me to give him all the joys life had to offer that he never got to have.  It was one of the requirements on My List.  It was only fair as I was the architect of his misery.

I delivered on these experiences at great personal cost, financially and otherwise.

*Another story

Sorry, one more ED post.

TW - ED, self harm - last one for a while, promise.

I can’t attribute all my body image stuff to him; most of that was there prior.

Culprit?  Dance played a big role - serious ballet students rarely walk out unscathed from body image issues. You are consistently made aware of all the things wrong with your body and comparisons to your colleagues are inevitable.

Bodysuits and tights don’t exactly hide one’s figure, and dressing rooms are.. well... there’s lots of naked people (probably some sexuality repression seeds planted here, another post, another blog).  

It’s a very strange combination: being hyper-comfortable being exposed and on display while being hyper-aware of every flaw. It certainly tainted my idea of beauty - I still love and long for that emaciated look in spite of myself.  You know, where you can see the sternum - long, lanky and flat everywhere.

Enter in the part 2 of my self harm:  Running.  It was the perfect addition and worked in tandem with the extremely restricted calorie intake.  He loved it because it helped me slim down.  I thoroughly enjoyed it as well, but not just because it gave me the body type I’ve been brainwashed to like.  

At the time, we lived out in the county and I ran at night.  There were few lights, few houses, and a few wild animal sightings.

Those runs were magical. There were sunsets, and stars like I’d never seen. At twilight I’d run past fields covered in fireflies performing a light show just for me.  Some nights I could hear coyotes howling off in the distance. 

If he was on me about something that night, I could escape.  I could clear my head and focus purely on my senses - my shoes hitting the ground, my controlled breathing, the moonlight, the smell of grass and dirt, the sound of the creek underneath the bridge.  His voice in my head was drowned out by all of the things around me. I could feel my heart pounding in my chest  and it reminded me that I was still alive.  I felt free.  

I still don’t know how I managed these runs having consumed so little. I would run 8, 10, 12 km having eaten a bowl of soup and 5 crackers that day and an apple with peanut butter and a protein bar the day before.  Some days I wouldn’t eat at all and still run a 25 minute 5k.  I ran with the flu, gastroenteritis, and injuries.  

I often think about the harm I did to my body during this time. I knew it too, but nothing stopped me.  It was alI I could do for a reprieve from him.

AREN'T STARS MEANT TO BURN?; ON SELF-DESTRUCTION (FOR ACHIEVEMENT'S SAKE)

friedrich nietzsche // would that i, hozier // meditation on the threshold: a bilingual anthology of poetry, ‘monologue of a foreign woman’ by rosario castellanos // boyish, japanese breakfast // nineteen, movements // angel on fire, halsey // nata sin // vincent van gogh // notes from underground, fyodor dostoevsky // holly warburton // joan crawford // unknown, pinterest // first fig, edna st. vincent millay // Clementine von Radics // holly warburton // forugh farrokhzad, tr. by hasan javadi & susan sallée // she knows, j. cole // @/ragingantisocial // some kind of perfect, krista ritchie and becca ritchie // holly warburton // burned out, dodie // unknown, pinterest // a moth to a flame (burnt child), stig dagerman, tr. by benjamin mier-cruz // unknown

Melting

I am self destructing and he is the unwitting bullet.

I've got to stop this

Somebody make me stop.

Sometimes I just sigh in relief that I don't get to be with the people that I badly want to be with because I think about the destructive trainwreck I am and I'm thankful they've been saved from me.