Surivor - Tumblr Posts
I nearly did.
On Wednesday I had a flashback as I was walking into therapy.
It was the first few days of January in 2016 and he was confronting me about my transgressions. He had found a letter I had written to Rapist. I think I've told this story before, but reliving it this time made me drop like a tonne of bricks.
He asked what the deal was with Rapist and what he did to make me hate him so much.
I was cornered, so I told him. Telling anyone is hard, but telling someone who is unreservedly hostile and violent? He had just closed a door on my arm and kept pushing on it. It bruised purple immediately.
This was one of the hardest moments of my life ever.
After telling him I collapsed ( literally) into tears. He came over to me real gentle like as though he was going to comfort me. He whispered real softly and real close to my ear "you know, it would really make it better if you just killed yourself."
I felt his hot breathe on my ear on Wednesday.
Hunting
My new found self worth tells me I should be making more money.
This could end up being a problem.
This is why i can't have nice things.
Things are sort of going well. So that means something devastating is afoot.
You can't convince me otherwise. But I'll nod and smile and let you think you did.
:)
Hush.
I can't stand listening to people try to have dialogue about abusive relationships and why people stay.
The pseudo psychological jargon and the fake-sympathy-but-actually-condesending-as-fuck-tone they use is maddening.
It's a little embarrassing. For a long time I thought I'd be touch repulsed forever. I thought i didn't like or deserve hugs and people touching me felt like a threat. Like a bomb would go off if there was contact for too long. Like my skin was burning.
Turns out that I love to be touched and hugged by the right person and I am so severely affection starved that I find it difficult to sit near her without being in contact somehow.
My only saving grace is that she is a very affectionate person by nature. Otherwise I'm sure she'd find me clingy.
I have prided myself on my independence these past few years. Relished in my solitude.
It is a scary thing to feel as though you might need someone again.
Candles
It's his birthday today. I nearly forgot.
He will admit to some moments of physical abuse but narrow it down to one or a small handul of times where I made him so angry that he lost his temper.
He will justify what he did with a 'but'.
He will deny the severity.
He will deny the frequency.
He will deny all the emotional, psychological, financial and sexual aspects.
He believes that I got what I deserved.
He believes that he tried his best.
He believes that he tried to help me but I was too fucked up to save.
He would tell you that I was abusive and hurt his pride.
He will say I ruined his life.
Does the person who abuses you know they are abusive?
Reblogging this will work. Liking this will work. Messaging me will not work. Email me at chronic.survivors@gmail.com
Some symptoms like to linger.
Being sick is an excuse: Episode 1
I get migraines with auras ( mine are sparkly lights and blindspots) He made me drive to get him beer after I came home from work early with a migraine. I could barely keep my eyes open, but I did it. And the completion of the task showed that it really wasn't that bad. I needed to stop over reacting.
this is, honest to god, one of the funniest ads ive seen in a long time.
