HUG.

HUG.

Marriage Equality & Empathy

Nobuko Yoshiya, a Japanese author, was one of the countries first to publish lesbian fiction, her first work starting serialization in 1916. She was a lesbian, and found love in a mathematics teacher in an all girls school in the early 20s. At the time, as you can probably guess, Japan did not (and still does not) have marriage equality. Luxuries such as sharing property, tax relief or even medical decisions for each other were not offered to gay couples at the time. The couple did obtain these benefits though: Nobuko adopted her lover of 30 years. What is marriage, after all, if not becoming family? This solved their issues, but I’m sure readers may pick up on another one it created.

Becoming family through marriage is one thing, but adoption would put them in the realm of incest, even if it’s by a technicality. Fortunately, incest is legal in Japan, and in many other countries. The couple encountered no issues with legally being mother-daughter, and recouped some benefits otherwise denied to them due to marriage inequality.

I’m sure all but the most stubborn of people could accept their odd arrangement: after all, they were in an established relationship beforehand, and it’s not like they are actually related. No one would call this relationship incestuous.

If they were to have the same or a similar arrangement in America, they would potentially face anywhere from 2 years to a lifetime in prison. Two adults, in a loving relationship, going to prison for years or decades. Now, obviously they would not have to enter such an arrangement in America since we have Marriage Equality right?

Many people will remember the Marriage Equality USA (MEUSA) push and subsequent win for gay marriage in 2015. I certainly do, I was driving at the time and had to pull off to the highway shoulders so I could recover properly. It was an amazing win, and certainly a moment I will never forget. But I think calling it Marriage Equality is dishonest. It isn’t equal unless all consenting relationships can marry, and related couples can not marry. This includes cases like Nobuko and her “daughter”, it includes cases of people who meet later in life and discover they are full or half-blooded siblings. It includes cases of people who meet as adults due to a parent remarrying, and feel a spark of attraction.

What are these laws protecting against? Do these couples not deserve their love recognized? The ability to make medical decisions for each other if the worst were to happen? To share ownership of their dream home?

The common response is “it’s to prevent birth defects or weakening the gene pool.” This response is the most concerning to me, because it implies a direct connection between marriage and having children. Marriage is not about building a family together for everyone, and it is entirely possible to start a family outside of marriage (as many people choose to do, or are forced to do.) It highlights the assumption that the purpose of marriage is children, which, speaking as a gay person, is an uncomfortable assumption to make.

There are of course other responses about the sanctity of marriage (divorce does away with that quite well), it’s disgusting (this should sound familiar for anyone who was gay in the 90s), it’s unnatural (again, feels very familiar), etc.

People can not see themselves having this sort of relationship, so they can’t empathize with the situation. They think it is an uncommon occurrence. It is something that doesn’t need discussed because it just is “always wrong.”

In 2015, when I pulled off to cry at hearing that gay marriage was now federally legalized, I didn’t cry because I was in a gay relationship, hoping to be married. At the time, I was in a straight relationship actually. I wouldn’t figure out I was gay for another year, largely in part due to the ruling. I cried because I saw a struggle of people who deserved the same rights I had, and while I couldn’t completely understand their feelings, I believed them to be genuine.

Years from now, I hope I get to pull off another highway, or excuse myself from a conversation, and cry again because of another victory for marriage equality. I hope that the couples out there who desperately wish to marry get their chance. I don’t condemn anyone for feelings I may not understand, just like what was afforded us in the years leading up to the 2015 ruling.

yes I like both…. I like to draw them

Don’t forget.

The Duke of Puzzles has met his match.