I'm Rewatching Heartstopper And I'm At S2: EP 1

I'm rewatching heartstopper and I'm at S2: EP 1

As Imogen says she's with/crushing on Ben

My cat

LEAPS

off my lap

And runs away down the hallway for seemingly no reason.

Fitting response to Ben. The ass.

nothing has been more important to my being queer than when i went to my first pride parade, got seperated from my group, had a panic attack about it and was sitting on the side of the road holding a tiny genderfluid flag and freaking out. then this six foot five drag queen in four inch heels appeared from literally nowhere and sat down next to me. i, this scared-shitless trans bi kid at pride for the first time, very nervously told her she looked pretty and i told her my name and that i got lost and didn't feel like i should be at pride and she held my hand and said "oh, honey, everybody deserves to be here, especially you. pride is for everybody who's ever gotten lost, who's been scared of who they are or where they are. you think we never been scared before? pride's for you, honey, because you're scared. you don't have to be proud right now, but you're gonna be one day, honey, i'm sure of it."

i found my group soon after that and i never saw that queen again but to this day i am convinced i met an angel.

so yeah. pride is for you. pride is for all of us.

Dentist: *asks question while having their tools in my mouth*

Me: Ḧ̴̨̢̨̩̝̟̦̜̙͉͉͚̠̯̩̫̯͖͎̞̳̦̩̗͉͚͉͉̲̯̠̻̜̟̥͚̹́̍̇͊̒̃̄͌̊͑̈̾͋̌̈̎̀̔͛̑́̚̕̚͘͝͝ͅͅͅȩ̶̧̛̙̩̞͈̺͕̬͈̮̻͍̥̩̮͙͓͚͕̱͖̤̗̼͚͈̩̫̙̫͓̫͉̪̈́̽̈͐̅͛̆̒͊͌̓̓̐̐̆̌̎̑̀̃̓̓͑̈́̉͒̉̐͒̍̉̈̐̓͆͆̅̍̾͛͌̎͗́̍̕͝ͅļ̷̛̛̼̟̘̫̫̟͔̲̣̲̥̜͌̈́̐͛̇̊͑̉͊̎̐̀̔̽͌͊̔́́̓̓̂̕̕̚p̷̨̨͖̗̠̻̮̖͙̣̥̱̟̰͖̤̣̹̻̍̒̆̊͝ͅ

First controversial post in a while but people need to realize a therapist is not going to challenge you on your reality directly. Because that can be insanely harmful. If you walk in going "I'm a system without trauma" they wont tell you no. Or that you are wrong. Because directly challenging someone's world view is not how you gain a clients trust nor does it help recovery. OF COURSE THE THERAPIST ONLINE ISN'T GOING TO GO "endos aren't real" because that could push people who need help away from help. A therapist is going to say "I'm not going to rebuttal anyone's lived experience" because to you. You are a system without trauma. No matter how factual that is. That is the way you see your brain.

Which is why I want people to get help. If you believe you are a system if you end up being one or not YOU NEED THERAPY. No if ands or buts.

I don't think you are a system without trauma. And I think endo logic is inherently harmful. But you and your struggles are real. Because that's how you perceive the world. And I want you to get help.

HAPPY FUCKING PRIDE MONTH.

A look into my experiences as a person with DID:

I don't experience myself as being different people sharing a body. When I switch, it's more like... who I am in that moment, the things I believe and feel and think then, are true, and anything I may have believed or felt or thought before then is no longer true.

In one moment, I am angry and distrustful of everyone around me. I believe that even the person closest to me to has ulterior motives for being with me and is constantly hiding their true thoughts and feelings. I want nothing to do with them, I want to leave and never see them again-

And in the next moment, I'm crying by myself in my room. I'm not angry, I'm sad and upset and lonely. I wish I had people with me, why doesn't anyone understand what I'm going through? I'd never want to leave the people I love behind, I can't imagine living a life without them. I want to hug them and cuddle them and let them know how important they are to me-

And now I'm cuddling them and hugging them and I feel happy and safe and secure. I've always had such lovely people in my life, I've never felt dejected or rejcted by them and I can trust them implicitly. Aren't I so lucky and blessed to have so many people who love and support me? It's why I'm so happy and stable, I probably don't even need to go to therapy anymore-

Except I do, how could I have forgotten all the horrible things that have happened to me? I'm nervous around others and try so hard to please them so that they don't get angry with me. They may look nice now, but I know that one wrong move and they'll be screaming and yelling at me, because I'm a bad person, and I don't deserve love, but I don't want to live like this forever so of course I need therapy-

And objectively, that makes sense, doesn't it? Of course I act differently under different circumstances. And I know that due to my trauma I have a lot of maladaptive behaviors and maladaptive coping skills. So I'd like to learn some more, calmly and patiently, because I love learning and I know how to separate my thoughts and feelings out from each other. Because I'm a rational person, not an emotional one.

Do you see? How I have all these different versions of me, who all have their own experiences? How each of them are so sure their reality is the real one and the only one that exists in that moment? That's what my life has been like with DID. I'm a disjointed mess of thoughts and feelings and memories that struggle to connect to each other. That's why I call myself as having different versions of me. Because I'm just me- but which me am I?