I Love When People Leave Me Because...

I love when people leave me because...

...because I talk too negative about myself all the time, when I was told for 18 years that talking positive about my own accomplishments or what I’ve done is a sign of pride and therefore a sin against god, and my self hatred is ‘humility’ which is revered.

...because I’m too clingy, when my whole life I’ve only had one singular friend and had to constantly fight for their attention when they had dozens of friends and I was a low priority and was never given the time of day by anyone in my life.

...because I don’t reach out and talk enough, when every time I do say something, the subject is changed and what I said was ignored completely, or the groupchat dies the second I start typing no matter how active it was, or I am spoken over and interrupted no matter how many times I start my sentence over.

...because they get tired of me, when all I wanted to do was take time for my own mental and physical health.

...because someone else was better, when I already know I’m never going to be as good as them and yet I try to be every single day, I try to climb my way from from second best despite knowing that is where I’m destined to always stay.

...because I don’t talk normally or know how to respond to things in an acceptable way, when I was never taught socializing growing up and my neurodivergent brain works in different ways that makes me not understand what’s going on half the time.

...because I’m too protective, when this has all happened over and over and over and I’m tired of losing the people I care about to things I don’t know how to control.

"Using idiosyncratic words/phrases I’ve made up that people don’t usually understand unless they know me well. Eg instead of saying “hi” I sometimes say “bloop”"

Is this. Is this something else. I always answered no to do you make up your own words and phrases for things but I've been saying nyello as a greeting instead of hi or hey for a few years now and thought that didn't count as an example-

There's other things I do similar to that and I didnt realize this is what it meant

I’m sorry for being born. I’m so fucking sorry I’m your child.

i wonder if ill ever find someone that loves me back

I wish I could have more than 2 friends for once because everytime I speak, groupchats and discord servers go dead. Everytime. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I guess maybe I just don’t deserve love like everyone else

whats keeping me up at night