Not Good Enough - Tumblr Posts

😧

I hate myself

Every single fucking time.

It’s okay You don’t have to apologize I should be the one saying sorry I’m annoying Even when I’m trying my best I’m just not good enough I’m never good enough I can’t be a good friend I’m horribly oblivious You can hate me I won’t blame you for that In fact I hate myself Sorry you have to put up with me

I don’t know why I’m writing this, I guess I’m just completely lost and hopeless right now, or maybe I’m hoping this could be my last word, my suicide note, or I’m actually hoping for someone to read this and save me from myself, I don’t know, but I feel like I need to apologize, for everything, to everyone…

Mom, dad, I’m so sorry for disappointing you over and over, for not being able to make you proud and happy, for being a terrible daughter, even with all your love an support for me, I still managed to fail every time, the last thing I want is to see your disappointed face, I just want you to be proud of me, I want you to be happy, I’m scared, what am I supposed to do if you’re gone without me making you proud, I love you two very much and I’m scared you’ll leave me before seeing me actually happy and succeed, and if someday you see me broken, I promise that it’s not because of you, you two are the world to me,you two are the one who actually make me come this far in life, because you supported me, you pick me up when I was down, you dedicated most of your time working to pay for me…

My little brother and sister, sorry for being a horrible and mean sister, to me you two are my light, and no matter what I will love you two forever, we used to always be together, playing, fighting, eating, studying, we even sleep together every night, and I expected us to always be like that, I’ve never thought that we’ll slowly drift apart like this, now I’m just an embarrassment for you two, it hurts seeing how you’ve grown more distant from me, I’m so sorry for everything I’ve said and done but please don’t ever forget the time when we laugh together, when we’re hugging each other tightly after we watched a scary movie, when we fight and dad scolds us, I want you two to be someone who can make mom and dad proud, unlike me, and I want to see you two find your goal in life and make your dream come true, I know it will be tough, but I promise I’ll do my best to help you, even if I’m struggling myself, you both are my first priority…

Friends, besties, I’m sorry if I ever ignored you, or not replying your texts, or acting childish and dorky, I just didn’t want you to see how broken I actually am, I’m afraid that you would see me as I see myself, weird and fucked up, you have your own problem, so why would I burden you more with mine, you being there beside me and talk to me is enough, I don’t care if you’re true or fake, whats important is you actually talk to me like I’m there, like I’m actually something that deserved to say hello to, you’re all precious to me, and I’m so sorry if I make you uncomfortable, I’m sorry if you ever see me as stupid bitchy hypocrite, I swear I didn’t mean to be like that, but all those days we spent together at school, all those times you teased me, all those memories of us bickering, arguing, teasing, I will treasure it always…

Teachers, if you ever see me not paying attention in class, or daydreaming and such, i’m truly sorry, I didn’t mean to make you feel unimportant, I never meant to disrespect you, you’ve spent your life teaching me and I’m grateful, without your guidance, I wouldn’t be here now, you’ve spent your life sharing your knowledge with me, and here I am can’t seem to remember anything, for as long as I can remember, I’ve always wanted to thank you for every lesson you’ve taught me, I always knew I’m not the best student, I’m not even sure you would remember me once I graduate, but to me you’re irreplaceable and I’m sorry for everything…

To everyone I actually know in real life, I’m so sorry for not showing any of you the real me, I’m sorry I choose to bottled up everything and never said a thing, I’m  sorry I choose to ramble here compared to any of you, my world is broken, and I don’t want make yours fall down with mine, I don’t want to feel like an attention-seeker, so I choose to keep silent, I’m afraid that if I actually told anyone, they would’ve changed, and then left…

I spent so much time comforting people when inside I’m dying, I always wear long sleeves even in summer because I’m insecure of my body and scars, I’ve helped someone recovered from depression and until now, she doesn’t know that I have depression too, funny right, to be honest I hate it when people said that depression is stupid, anxiety is stupid, eating disorder is stupid, and “just get over it”, you wanna know what’s stupid? Society is stupid, who do you think made us insecure about ourselves and made us think that we better be dead? Society, I’ve spent so many years hearing all those things, and honestly I don’t think I can deal with them anymore, I just don’t know what to do anymore so I just smile, that’s it, I just smile, I covered all my insecurities with my smile, I hide my self hate behind my laugh, I locked up all my depressive and suicidal thoughts and replaced it with a bubbly and childlike attitude, I’ve always tried my hardest to help others because I know how it feels to have nobody to help you, I’m befriending every living person I know because I know what it’s like to feel alone

Look at me writing all of this stupid things, it’s not like anyone would ever read this, but to anyone who actually spend their time reading this let me tell you, the world is a beautiful place, there’s so much things to look forward to, even when things get rough it’ll get better, you don’t have to push yourself to be someone you’re not, block away all the things society had told you, you’re you, and that won’t change, you matter, you’re important to someone, even if you don’t realize it, you’re enough, you’ve made mistakes and failures, it’s okay, it’s human, you’re beautiful just the way you are, you’re more than those numbers on the scales, more than what you see when you look at the mirror, more than what society know, and in case you haven’t know, you’re perfect, so find something you genuinely like to do, and hold on to it, as stupid as it sounds, I ’m actually here because of music and anime/manga, call me weird but it actually did it, I made this far because i found so much lesson in the things I love to do, and when the time comes, you’ll know what you’re meant to be, you exist for a reason, go find that reason

Me: I'm scared

Someone: Of what?

Me: Of losing my brother and sister, messing up everything I do, disappointing my parents again, everyone that secretly judging me, making others angry, if God doesn't care about me anymore, failing classes, everything that might happen in the future

Dearest Disappointment

The fear of being forgotten,

Being forgotten,

Is that the worst?

Constantly seeking his approval,

Doesn’t disappointment hurt?

The far too frequent shortage,

Of his spoken words.

I’ve cried,

Pleaded,

And screamed. 

Why haven’t I been heard?

Maybe,

Just maybe,

I’m not of his “daughters” worth,

Perhaps,

It’s a living nightmare.

Or an unforgiving curse.

Being abandoned,

By one’s father,

Whom,

Guides their child about our Earth.

Was left to be alone.

Since,

All she was, 

Was lonely.

Loneliness was left to be only hers. 

- (d.n.k) 

Fuck

"It's me," I told him. A small, fake smile. But it wasn't. It wasn't me. I knew all along it wouldn't be me. But perhaps it was me. Maybe I just wasn't loveable enough. Not loveable enough for anyone to settle down. To call their own, cherish. When things start to get good for me ... off they go. I just needed to say goodbye before he could break my heart -well, take the last part left by confirming-. So, yeah, perhaps it was me who wasn't good enough. Me who wasn't enough for anyone to stick around. I had to swim to the surface, I was in too deep already. -n.v

It sucks so much when you work so hard for something and give it all you got and you do everything you can, but it still doesn't work out and you still fail.

I'm tired of having hopes and dreams, I want to be numb again and stop being disappointed over and over and falling apart over insignificant things

I love when people leave me because...

...because I talk too negative about myself all the time, when I was told for 18 years that talking positive about my own accomplishments or what I’ve done is a sign of pride and therefore a sin against god, and my self hatred is ‘humility’ which is revered.

...because I’m too clingy, when my whole life I’ve only had one singular friend and had to constantly fight for their attention when they had dozens of friends and I was a low priority and was never given the time of day by anyone in my life.

...because I don’t reach out and talk enough, when every time I do say something, the subject is changed and what I said was ignored completely, or the groupchat dies the second I start typing no matter how active it was, or I am spoken over and interrupted no matter how many times I start my sentence over.

...because they get tired of me, when all I wanted to do was take time for my own mental and physical health.

...because someone else was better, when I already know I’m never going to be as good as them and yet I try to be every single day, I try to climb my way from from second best despite knowing that is where I’m destined to always stay.

...because I don’t talk normally or know how to respond to things in an acceptable way, when I was never taught socializing growing up and my neurodivergent brain works in different ways that makes me not understand what’s going on half the time.

...because I’m too protective, when this has all happened over and over and over and I’m tired of losing the people I care about to things I don’t know how to control.

Sigh

I am drained from fighting these past few hours with my older son. Some of it is him, some of it is me, and all of it is exhausting day in day out until I cringe just walking through the door (brace for impact) wondering what fresh misery we get to inflict on one another.

He had long golden curls when he was two years old.

He has my mother's eyes.

He once rescued a lizard trapped in chicken wire.

I am both mother and father to him, and I wish I could do better, than this vitriolic reiteration, a dystopian relationship; nuclear fall out between mother and son.