I Have Become Toxic.

I have become toxic.

Not entirely sure when it started

But here I am.

I don't know what to do.

Something's got to give.

Something has to be lobotomized

Family friends school or self

While work cruelly grins in the corner

Knowing it has me bound.

- me myself Andrew

I wish I could change it all. Go back and tell myself "be better than you are. You preach and they believe". I have shown myself to be a lie, time and time again. An illusion, a vaporous air, the shifting shadows of the day. I have bred pain, and such a kind that my victims cannot understand it happening. I have become a being I hate, gotten what I wished, silence, and all the pain it brings.

I could never decide my life, no one need wait on me. I once made people see them themselves as beautiful and special. Now I cause them doubt, and instead inspire retreat. I wish I could have died before, instead of becoming who I am. Died as a fond memory, a happy dream.

I create pain

Unneccessary pain

Because I can't be honest

Because I can't be honest with myself.

I am not anything

Just a hollowed out body

Unable to decide on life.

I have lived my life as a living suicide.

Day by day

A break away another piece of what makes me human

Till all that is left

Is the death I wait for

At the end of years.

I have worshiped my own vanity

My own pompous self-sacrificing hypocrisy.

I was too afraid to live

And so I chose to die forever

I fantasize about my own death every day.

No need for calls of holding on,

No one's arguments are as good as mine.

I ravenously set about

Trying to understand all of life.

I got my answers

And now all I have are my delusions.

I have seen beyond the face of life

And I know what's waiting there.

I've seen behind the mask of daily living

And I know what the mask is for.

To know was better than happiness.

To understand more valuable than living.

I broke through

And beyond I found

Darkness

Profound darkness.

Here the stars are already old.

The creaks and cracks of aged world bones

Resonate within me.

I have aged far faster than intended

I am a dream fading into fog.

- me

I have been judged for being me

And so have judged others.

This guilt has driven me to madness

Which is itself a struggle of accepting myself.

People deserve to love what they love.

To enjoy the things that make them feel.

I have related to many things

Some of which are piss poor

While others are too exalted.

The truth is I just want to exist.

To be free in being who I am

Without feeling the need to judge who I am.

I am beautiful

A darling who dances freely.

Fearing my own judgement

Through the eyes of others

Has caused me great pain.

Learning to forgive myself

For being myself

Is the hardest journey yet.

Reality has never met my standards.

Better yet

I have never risen to its level.

My dreams are confessions.

My words

Solemn testimony.

I know this isn't any good

I'm not writing it to win any awards.

This is how I deal with who I am

And steadily grow

Into the person I secretly dream or being.

For love of me

This is why I live.

Ever hoping to accept myself

Without worry for those

Who are not me.

Touch burns.

Like making eye contact

It hurts to be so intimate.

These are actions I can only do occasionally

And this with great effort.

Explaining it is hard.

I have found most don't have the care or time

And I'm not that great at honest communication.

Some people can only see their own needs.

Because of this

I have often sacrificed my own comfort,

Hiding how my skin crawls

And I'm screaming silently inside.

A hug

A poke

Grazing

And pats

Invasions that make me want to die.

Never been good at defending myself

Especially from those

Who claim to love me.

-me, Andrew