I Have Become Toxic.

I have become toxic.

Not entirely sure when it started

But here I am.

I don't know what to do.

Something's got to give.

Something has to be lobotomized

Family friends school or self

While work cruelly grins in the corner

Knowing it has me bound.

- me myself Andrew

Touch burns.

Like making eye contact

It hurts to be so intimate.

These are actions I can only do occasionally

And this with great effort.

Explaining it is hard.

I have found most don't have the care or time

And I'm not that great at honest communication.

Some people can only see their own needs.

Because of this

I have often sacrificed my own comfort,

Hiding how my skin crawls

And I'm screaming silently inside.

A hug

A poke

Grazing

And pats

Invasions that make me want to die.

Never been good at defending myself

Especially from those

Who claim to love me.

-me, Andrew

I fantasize about my own death every day.

No need for calls of holding on,

No one's arguments are as good as mine.

I ravenously set about

Trying to understand all of life.

I got my answers

And now all I have are my delusions.

I have seen beyond the face of life

And I know what's waiting there.

I've seen behind the mask of daily living

And I know what the mask is for.

To know was better than happiness.

To understand more valuable than living.

I broke through

And beyond I found

Darkness

Profound darkness.

Here the stars are already old.

The creaks and cracks of aged world bones

Resonate within me.

I have aged far faster than intended

I am a dream fading into fog.

- me

I wish I could change it all. Go back and tell myself "be better than you are. You preach and they believe". I have shown myself to be a lie, time and time again. An illusion, a vaporous air, the shifting shadows of the day. I have bred pain, and such a kind that my victims cannot understand it happening. I have become a being I hate, gotten what I wished, silence, and all the pain it brings.

I could never decide my life, no one need wait on me. I once made people see them themselves as beautiful and special. Now I cause them doubt, and instead inspire retreat. I wish I could have died before, instead of becoming who I am. Died as a fond memory, a happy dream.

I have tried to create everything

And in so doing

Lost everything.

Filled with hate

Filled with anger

I have burned most things I have hoped for.

Life is cruel

And we are its saving grace.

I look to a future beyond us all

Far beyond the last human breath.

A time in which a soul breathes

And dreams of worlds

In which all souls live.

I despise the flesh

And worship its needs.

I love the world

And hates its ways.

Humanity dances and loses sight of the dance.

I hold a dream

In which the imagination reigns free.

People are born by time

I hope this changes one day.

Without time nothing matters

And in such a state

We are made free.

If nothing matters

We can do anything.

What we settle on

In eternity

Is a surprise to those who do.

In youth we burn down the world

In age we seek a simple rest.

I have hated and I have loved.

I have wept over us all

And lavished upon my own greed.

Life has no directed meaning.

Life has no dirceted purpose.

Yet I have believed

I have lived

And I have died.

I cling to a hope

In which the individual is made free.

I see beyond this moment.

I am lost in my own fantasies.

I live a thousand lives

And die a thousand deaths.

I believe in our imagination.

I live for my own creativity.

Life means more than someone over another;

I despise when someone stands up.

Take away conscious thought.

Take away present awareness.

Remove the self within the community

And you have the life of one who sees clearly.

It cannot last

Doomed to fail

But in that moment

Clarity shines.

God upon the mount;

Messiah upon the alter;

Understanding of what is

You value all as your own momentary breath.

Then you weep tears

Over your own corpse,

And in that corpse

All living resides.

I cry because the world hates

I cry because I hate.

When I was 11

I sat down and tried to fix the world.

I didn't know what was wrong

And now I am sad

That I tried to understand good and evil.

Pain resonates throughout existence

And it breaks my heart.

Oppression demands its stay in the sun

Incapable of understanding its own nature.

Rivers of tears fill heaven's throne

And no one sits there

To comprehend it's source.

I walk up

Ignorant and prideful

Unaware of all that is

And believe it is a simple fix.

I lay down some commandments.

I see they do not work.

I amend a few things

Add a few things

See it doesn't work.

I mold and meld

Strive and claim

It all falls apart

I can't understand.

Nothing I do

Fixes the world.

The world doesn't need me

I'm part of the problem.

It all comes crashing down,

New stuff rises up.

Time flows on

Humanity is forgotten.

Life

It lives

And I lose track of it.

I see my own frailty

And start to wonder at my own demense.

I will die

And I will live

Not by cosmic judgement

But by my own condemnation.

I hate myself

And I love myself.

I cannot comprehend me.

In me is everyone,

And in everyone is me.

Only I can save my own soul

For only I can forgive me

Of the crimes against myself.

I draw to an end

What can be said

That has not been said in every generation.

Life ends.

Our works end.

All we do

Stands in account against ourselves.

Only what we hope can see us through

Can speak in defense of what we do.

How short it falls

When weighed against the rest

I weep bitter tears into the night

A rabid dog

Unaware of its own condition.

No one can save us

As we cannot forgive ourselves.

Blood and rage

Judgement against ourselves.

I linger on

Unwilling to let go.

A desperate thought

Unfinished

Unrefined.

I want more

I need more

I break down

Like a child before god.

I don't have any answers.

I don't know what to do.

All I know

Is this isn't right.

All the tears.

All the pain.

All the wishing

And praying

And hoping for better days.

I was a child once

And I had dreams.

Life hurt me

And I had done nothing wrong.

"why do you hurt me?"

I asked God above.

"what did I do to you

While in my mother's womb?"

So I fought god

And cast it down

Only to find myself

Sitting in the guilty seat.

A proper ending never comes.

A poignant closing statement

Alludes the purest of our spirits.

I am filled with rage

With which I know not what to do.

A cauldron of indecision

Desperately trying to escape.

Living breath to breath

Moment to moment

Nothing more than the soul beside me;

Nothing more

Than the countless souls before me.

Untold of lines stretch out in front

Weaving new stories

And more stories of the same.

I cannot reach them

Beyond this moment now.

I am bound

As they are bound

As you are bound before me now

Who can say

Who we will be a day from now.

Before ourselves

We have yet to find ourselves.

A lost dream.

A sullen cause.

A hope beyond all hope

A person in life.

Only we can defend our names.

Only we can defend our purpose.

Nothing can protect us

Not the stars or moon or god.

We alone can speak up at our trial

And try to understand what we have done.

For it is not a trial before our peers

As it is a judgement before ourselves

As weighed upon our many lives

Stretching across

Vast eternity.

- myself, previously known as Andrew, still trying decide who I am now and have been

I feel like I'm breaking again

It scares me

My hell fires

Seeping through the cracks

- mine, Andrew