Wine Drunk - Tumblr Posts

The process 🤍

Identify theft is not a joke Jim 🖤

I have tried to create everything

And in so doing

Lost everything.

Filled with hate

Filled with anger

I have burned most things I have hoped for.

Life is cruel

And we are its saving grace.

I look to a future beyond us all

Far beyond the last human breath.

A time in which a soul breathes

And dreams of worlds

In which all souls live.

I despise the flesh

And worship its needs.

I love the world

And hates its ways.

Humanity dances and loses sight of the dance.

I hold a dream

In which the imagination reigns free.

People are born by time

I hope this changes one day.

Without time nothing matters

And in such a state

We are made free.

If nothing matters

We can do anything.

What we settle on

In eternity

Is a surprise to those who do.

In youth we burn down the world

In age we seek a simple rest.

I have hated and I have loved.

I have wept over us all

And lavished upon my own greed.

Life has no directed meaning.

Life has no dirceted purpose.

Yet I have believed

I have lived

And I have died.

I cling to a hope

In which the individual is made free.

I see beyond this moment.

I am lost in my own fantasies.

I live a thousand lives

And die a thousand deaths.

I believe in our imagination.

I live for my own creativity.

Life means more than someone over another;

I despise when someone stands up.

Take away conscious thought.

Take away present awareness.

Remove the self within the community

And you have the life of one who sees clearly.

It cannot last

Doomed to fail

But in that moment

Clarity shines.

God upon the mount;

Messiah upon the alter;

Understanding of what is

You value all as your own momentary breath.

Then you weep tears

Over your own corpse,

And in that corpse

All living resides.

I cry because the world hates

I cry because I hate.

When I was 11

I sat down and tried to fix the world.

I didn't know what was wrong

And now I am sad

That I tried to understand good and evil.

Pain resonates throughout existence

And it breaks my heart.

Oppression demands its stay in the sun

Incapable of understanding its own nature.

Rivers of tears fill heaven's throne

And no one sits there

To comprehend it's source.

I walk up

Ignorant and prideful

Unaware of all that is

And believe it is a simple fix.

I lay down some commandments.

I see they do not work.

I amend a few things

Add a few things

See it doesn't work.

I mold and meld

Strive and claim

It all falls apart

I can't understand.

Nothing I do

Fixes the world.

The world doesn't need me

I'm part of the problem.

It all comes crashing down,

New stuff rises up.

Time flows on

Humanity is forgotten.

Life

It lives

And I lose track of it.

I see my own frailty

And start to wonder at my own demense.

I will die

And I will live

Not by cosmic judgement

But by my own condemnation.

I hate myself

And I love myself.

I cannot comprehend me.

In me is everyone,

And in everyone is me.

Only I can save my own soul

For only I can forgive me

Of the crimes against myself.

I draw to an end

What can be said

That has not been said in every generation.

Life ends.

Our works end.

All we do

Stands in account against ourselves.

Only what we hope can see us through

Can speak in defense of what we do.

How short it falls

When weighed against the rest

I weep bitter tears into the night

A rabid dog

Unaware of its own condition.

No one can save us

As we cannot forgive ourselves.

Blood and rage

Judgement against ourselves.

I linger on

Unwilling to let go.

A desperate thought

Unfinished

Unrefined.

I want more

I need more

I break down

Like a child before god.

I don't have any answers.

I don't know what to do.

All I know

Is this isn't right.

All the tears.

All the pain.

All the wishing

And praying

And hoping for better days.

I was a child once

And I had dreams.

Life hurt me

And I had done nothing wrong.

"why do you hurt me?"

I asked God above.

"what did I do to you

While in my mother's womb?"

So I fought god

And cast it down

Only to find myself

Sitting in the guilty seat.

A proper ending never comes.

A poignant closing statement

Alludes the purest of our spirits.

I am filled with rage

With which I know not what to do.

A cauldron of indecision

Desperately trying to escape.

Living breath to breath

Moment to moment

Nothing more than the soul beside me;

Nothing more

Than the countless souls before me.

Untold of lines stretch out in front

Weaving new stories

And more stories of the same.

I cannot reach them

Beyond this moment now.

I am bound

As they are bound

As you are bound before me now

Who can say

Who we will be a day from now.

Before ourselves

We have yet to find ourselves.

A lost dream.

A sullen cause.

A hope beyond all hope

A person in life.

Only we can defend our names.

Only we can defend our purpose.

Nothing can protect us

Not the stars or moon or god.

We alone can speak up at our trial

And try to understand what we have done.

For it is not a trial before our peers

As it is a judgement before ourselves

As weighed upon our many lives

Stretching across

Vast eternity.

- myself, previously known as Andrew, still trying decide who I am now and have been

I am sad

Something feels

Missing...

How do I figure out what?

A lost dream?

A confused fantasy?

I want something more

But I can't define it.

This is the story of my life

The lost child

Aiming to take on God.

No promise of death or life

But the need to question remains the same.

I have never been able to place myself,

And now it has only gotten harder.

I find I am unable to admit

Even to me

What it is that I want.

I have seen everything

Every image of myself

Above and below.

God and the sinner

The devil and the savior.

I have found that righteousness is a point of view

And because of this

Nothing is ever pure.

I broke the law

Spat in its face

Even though

I formed its soul.

These words are nonsensical

I've written long enough to see my own joke.

Still

I can't stop.

Some part of me continues to believe.

I want to be truthful.

I want to stand before myself and not flinch.

My nature has been to run

And this fills me with such guilt.

I once held such lofty ambitions for my soul

But what are these dreams

Given my wickedness?

Pride

Ego

I have worshiped myself

Failing to question my worth.

God is guilty

And I am god.

How far I have come

Since I sat on the Mount.

Writing long poems

Only for myself.

Not oblivious

To my own condescension.

Rambling because I can never tell when to quit.

I live in self hatred;

Dealing

In self doubt.

I wanted all the world to be free

But then aimed for them to be slaves to me.

How do you overcome your own soul?

Your own nature and sprees?

I can't understand it.

I can't even give it a name.

Yet I keep on writing

Crying

As I avoid my own glare.

I hate who I am

Only because it exists in a world with others.

When alone I love myself

Until my own selfishness dawns on me.

I am not all knowing.

I am not perfect.

I am still God

But what does that even mean?

Wrong from the start.

Wicked from my beginning.

A foolish arrogant idiot

Who believes only they know the truth.

All the while evil reigns

Using the same laws

I laid down.

Everything goes up in flames

And I descend through my own guilt.

An unworthty savior

Battling through their own humanity.

Understanding

That people are more worthy of themselves

Than I could ever be.

Figuring out how to exist

After my own decent

I fumble through it all

Stumbling over my own identity.

One day I think I will live,

And it will be after I've laid down my arms.

My own arrogance

My own profered up ego;

My own declared divinity.

It will be beyond my own need be wo shoped;

My own need to be loved by all.

One day I will learn to accept myself

And in that moment

I will be able to understand

How little I actually matter.

The world holds itself accountable.

It doesn't need me.

I was never anything worth thought

And yet I am.

I exist for me.

I am that I am.

I stand before myself

As all of creation stands before its self.

All I want is to live

And for each being to live.

Free of our hate

And free of our need to be right.

Beyond the power or others;

Free from the authority of adjacent souls.

I unbound by antagonistic lives

That obscure our view of infinite dreams.

Eternity is a long time to entertain ourselves

And I cannot be sure where we all are.

If done ever

Who can be sure

All we have is this moment

Ok praying to be alive.

It is more than anyone can actively undertand

Or maybe I am just so small.

All I know is this day to day survival

Battling with hatred and love.

One day I hope for peace

But I cannot be sure.

Faith is a weapon held against those who try

And I am one

Who has yet to figure out how.

So I write long wonder poems

Because I never know when to quit.

This is why death exists

To cut short assholes

Like myself.

I hate my life

And yet I love it.

It exists for me

And I struggle with it.

There is so much injustice I have let slide

Because I was preoccupied with my own aggrendizment.

I failed to see the suffering that exists

While focusing on

The metaphysical of humanity.

I thank you for forgiving me.

For humoring me all the more.

If you pass me over

I understand that too

For it is important to do so.

God never understood the world they created.

It wasn't like them.

I spite of their intentions

Their creation was an accident.

So I am.

A lost soul

Amount lost souls.

A whispering dream

Alone

As each individual is

When facing who they are

Before only themselves

Stretched beyond eternity.

This is my fear

And this is my dream.

My heart can't bear the final words

And so it stretches beyond its own sound advice.

I can't let go.

I refuse to let go.

This is for me

Trying to understand

"why anything?"

I hope you can forgive me.

Who else will save me from hell?

I hope we all make it

When we each can forgive ourselves.

I don't know how to end it.

I don't know how to live it.

I want

I want

I want more than this body can give me.

Forgive me

Forgive me

Please

Person

Individual

Forgive me.

Show me how to be better

A lost soul

Unable to find their way.

I love you all who made it this far.

You are my inspiration;

My reason for maturing as a person.

Love me

Hate me

Teach me how to be me.

A mask made self aware

The last vestige of me own soul.

Dream or yourself

And maybe I will too.

We are each worthy of godhood

As much as anyone ever has been.

Live

Die

Eternity is a long time to exist.

All that matters

Is that you are satisfied when you choose your end

I want it more than anything

A final sleep

And then my peace.

I wanted to be a savior

But what does that even mean?

Who has the right?

My arrogance has known no bounds.

My momma raised me blessedly

And yet I have found myself lacking.

I saw the world through a certain lense

Fractured

But more idealized than is real.

I sat on God's throne

Loved and hated

Saw my own hypocrisy

And here I am.

Who deserves to stand over another?

Who deserves to look down and see someone else?

It is its own crime;

Who is able to defend it?

I have hated

Yes

I have loved.

Seen my own soul

And wondered at the world.

No one is good

And no one is evil.

More often than not

Whoever claims one is wrong.

I have seen my own sin.

Been so crushed by it

I was willing to kill myself.

To die

To be sacrificed;

To find myself upon my own alter

Because I could not deal with my own guilt.

But this too was for me.

A selfish act designed to make me feel special.

All I have loved is me

And because of this

I can't forget the world.

If I exist

So must everyone else.

If I gave a right to be

Then so do all the others.

My mother taught me this

But in this world

I have not seen it.

Only in that which I imagine can it be

While in my day to day

Violence reigns over all.

Because of this I hate

Yet still I crave its destruction.

The bloodrhirst of God

That has defined all my days.

Ever since that bastard first came into my room

God of all creation

A shadow on my wall.

My own darkness

Masquerading as light

Preaching from their pullpits

A lie who spreads the truth.

I am a convoluted thought;

A twisted notion of what is right.

Equal parts saving

As I am killing everyone.

A monstrous thing to say.

If only everyone could be so honest.

How many would gladly end all the noise

If only they could sleep soundly.

This is all for me.

I don't do it for anyone.

In privacy I belong to the masses

But her I say what I will.

I have hungered

And fed.

Gluttoned on reality.

I would devour all that is

Of only to create

A new world for myself.

I am all that is.

All that can be known.

For only I am me

And only myself can I understand.

This is what I hope for all.

That they be free to live and die.

All eternity

Stretched for them.

Infinite layers

Of their own psyche.

I can't adequately explain it.

We have auto text now.

Daily we become more like God

Ever unraveling

The very notion of what God is.

Turns out

God was never more than us

And we were never more than them

Deafened by the noise;

A fool trying to answer life.

This is all I know;

That I am nothing,

But only as I compare

Myself to all others.

So live

Breath

Drink and have sex.

Who will judge you but yourself,

It is actually easy

To convict god in his own court of law.

I have done it.

You will do it.

God so hated themself that they blotted out their soul.

Burn it.

Burn the image.

All that is sacred is you.

Everything else is coming down,

Save your own soul

In what ever form that means.

We are all children

Before god's world breaks us.

Will you damn a child?

Can you condemn such sin?

I hope I do not bore you

I know I am long winded.

I have survived my own godhood

Surpassed my wildest expectation

And now stand upon the other side.

Mistake not my words for ego

Something I am surely guilty of

I am not trying to understand

My own mortality.

This is not a statement of finality

Rather

A statement of being here

Now

In this moment of flesh.

Not a sin

As some would count it

But a beautiful representation

Of my own soul

Before myself.

That truth I have loved

That honest answer before myself

Is the beauty of a person

Free

Exalted

Unbound

Just themselves before everything.

I add no law.

I demand no trial.

All I hope in

Is the person who may read this

And that soul who does not.

I am nothing

And you are nothing

And yet between ourselves

Is everything.

You have lived

And you have died

And all that can happen is in your hands.

I chose death

As this was my path

And now survived

I must ask myself what I would will with my freedom.

Since my waking breath

I have only thought of dying;

Laying downy my life for others.

How this has cheated them

Who has as much right now I exist in themselves

As I have in me.

I am flawed

I am broken

I am my own being

Just trying to make it through as myself.

One day

I still hope

Someone will forgive me

But what matters most

Is that I forgive myself

And learn to live

With my own desire.

I have never followed my own teachings

That mountain of literature

I have composed across my years.

Now I am beginning

To listen

Not as a stranger

But as one who ignore themself

And now speaks to themself

I have climbed the throne

Ascended the Mount

Sat down on the seat of one who would be god.

I changed the rules

Condemned myself

And set out a new freedom

Aside from me.

Now I think of opening

Small coffee shops away from sight;

A safe haven for lost souls

Who hate themselves

More than the world that hurt them so.

I have never been free

But now I am trying to be

A lost soul

Who never wanted to be more than others.

Whose ego blinded them

And sought to be exalted.

I am that lost soul

The admittance of which

Is its own pride.

I hope you live well

And sleep even better.

When I was young I hoped you would

And thought I had the answers.

I am no one anymore.

What supriseses me

Is I have even longer to survive.

In all my fantasies

I never imagined I'd make it past my death

Yet here I am

Unable to die.

I am haunted by myself.

Pour myself into this setup.

I can't let go

Even though I know I should.

Healing my own wounds

Is the hardest thing I have ever done

And I trying my hardest

To be human again.

I can't even explain it.

I know it is the wine talking.

Living on auto-correct

Praying it translates me proper.

I hope you will forgive me.

I hope you will sustain me.

I hope one day I can forgive myself

And live as if

Eternity were never created.

It is the abstract paradox

The game we play on ourselves.

I hope one day I understand my own words

And free myself from my own guilt.

I love you

As I could never love myself.

I love in the ways

I have denied to give my own soul.

Show me the mirror;

Teach me my own image.

Forgive me

Hate me

Exist

And so will I.

It is all any of us can hope fore,

The only thing we can believe in.

We will all die

And we will all live.

That is our gift

More than it is our curse.

All that matters is your own place in life.

Not position

But self imposed acceptance.

Learning to love being me

Is more than the ambition I have placed upon myself.

It is opening a coffee shop

And living as if

I only I have tomorrow.

It is harder than it sounds

Harder than I can usually manage.

Substance over form;

Truth over my own beauty.

Love me;

Love yourself.

All that exists

Is you and me.

The rules are made up.

The truth is what we want it.

Flesh will burn

But our souls will continue on.

All we are

Is you right now.

A lost cause

Just trying to let go.

I miss you

I love you

My own flesh and blood.

More than this world;

The very purpose of all living.

Be free;

Be yourself;

Just exist and cease to fret.

All that is is yourself

I am nothing more

Than your own fragment soul.

I have been judged for being me

And so have judged others.

This guilt has driven me to madness

Which is itself a struggle of accepting myself.

People deserve to love what they love.

To enjoy the things that make them feel.

I have related to many things

Some of which are piss poor

While others are too exalted.

The truth is I just want to exist.

To be free in being who I am

Without feeling the need to judge who I am.

I am beautiful

A darling who dances freely.

Fearing my own judgement

Through the eyes of others

Has caused me great pain.

Learning to forgive myself

For being myself

Is the hardest journey yet.

Reality has never met my standards.

Better yet

I have never risen to its level.

My dreams are confessions.

My words

Solemn testimony.

I know this isn't any good

I'm not writing it to win any awards.

This is how I deal with who I am

And steadily grow

Into the person I secretly dream or being.

For love of me

This is why I live.

Ever hoping to accept myself

Without worry for those

Who are not me.

Who am I to be asked for advice?

My life hasn't gone as planned?

Hasn't developed according to normal standards.

I am a beast

A monster

A free floating child

Trying to find their way

Across the cosmos or terror.

My friend's heart.

My friends' laugh.

Do I have a say in such things?

No.

As much as I might have hoped

Each person is in charge of their own life.

They breath

Pray

And lust according to their own needs

Fantasies

Hopes and desires.

I myself am free from others

And am twisted up

Just like everyone else.

No one can tell us who we are.

Only we

Can create our own reality.

In the end

All life ends in death.

Trying to make a standard by which we live

Is nothing but a vicious lie.

One intended to force us in to the status quo.

Be free.

Which only means

Existing as your heart wants to.

Don't be controlled.

Don't be rulled.

Don't be the property of others.

You matter beyond what your days might register

You are the sole meaning

Of your own years.

We are all but pawns in your own dream.

So live

Live deeply

And just sow what brings you peace.

One day

If we all pray

Everyone will understand.

Then each person will be free

And we won't have to worry

How others react

To our existing.

When I was young

I thought I understood life's problems.

I wasn't very right.

In fact

It was far more serious

Than a twelve year old could have imagined.

Back then

It was as simple as having a friend

Something

I myself did not even fully realize.

As I look to the stars

I wonder about each person

And consider the life they would live

Without any consideration

For the world that is.

Free to developed from innocent child

Into innocent adult

Never having hated.

I wonder about the potential of people

Without this world.

A pessimist I might be

But for the matters of the true self

I remain an optimist.

I am better than I once was

If not as good as I was when first born.

Are any of us free.

How much or our lives are due

To the forces of our lives

Which are in turn dependent on others

Trailing backwards through time

Till there is nothing left

But for that first breath

The beginning of all creation.

Would you blame a new born child for everything?

A new life

For the cruelty that could comes from circumstances?

Humanity deserves better than reality.

You

Deserve better than humanity.

Stellar freedom.

I believe there is a dream

That each of us hold.

It is destroyed as we age

As we interact with the world

A dream that is free of expectation

Of interpretation.

A child's dream

Without conditioning

Or complication

In which that person is free to just breathe

Soaring throughout the skies

Without worry or fear.

Able to live as any animal

To play any game.

Unaware of hate

Or malice

Or need to impress a parent who themselves is broken.

Unbound by reality

And able to do anything their imagination let's them.

Adulthood destroys lives.

This is the greatest crime I can imagine.

Broken souls are them dependent upon

To mature those who come after.

How can this ever be right?

I wish for everyone

A child's life.

Every ambition an infant has

Unable to understand

The dispair of all adult lives.

I am about to begin

A great deal of change.

A new life

A new form

A new soul?

I have been at war with who I am

Since I first began to wonder.

Back to the age of "is this a dream"

And the agony of puberty.

Worshiping love

Longing to meet

That soul who can help me be free.

I can't even set my own path

Only go forward

Hoping these are the steps I am meant to take.

Can any one walk with me?

It has been hard enough for me

Who could I expect to join me

In my crusade against the order of this world?

I hate

Yes

Deeply.

I despise

Rage

And long to see things fall.

Why?

Because I believe in my own value

And this value

I correlate to the value of living

Thinking being

You

Me

The people who walk beside us

Every last mind

Who doesn't know what the hell is going on.

Humans

Just trying to make it through.

It is not easy

Nor can it be.

This is the cost of living.

The price of being in charge

Of our own momentary actions.

God in the world of gods.

Desiring life

Without consequence.

Will you join me?

The fire spoke to me when I was young

And after it the darkness.

This all corresponding to god

Who came to me in the night

Dementing me

Twisting me

Turning me inside out with need

Want

Yearning.

Will you join me?

Hatred

Anger

Aggression

Rage

Wrath

An unwillingness to submit.

Will you join me?

Is the world you live in worth dying for?

Is burning it down worth it?

I resent being bound

This flesh

This mortality.

Let's kill it

Kill it and no longer think about it

Relish in its blood

Drinking deep

Losing our minds.

Will you join me

And in the new world

Determine your own breath?

I do not know who I am

Though this is not entirely true.

I have loved my whole life

Trying to be a living sacrifice.

To put myself to death

For this is what God demanded.

But who was God when I was dead.

I still spell it with a lower case

As autocorrect translates it to my childhood norm.

I hate God.

Not for the reasons you think.

I hate God

Because I have been God

Climbed the steps

Raised the flag

Looked down on the whole of creation

And wondered.

Here I am again.

Can't help but sound arrogant.

Comes with the territory

A sin not to admit it.

This is what i have learned.

When you sit above all else alse

Nothing matters

Nothing at all

I have tried my damnedest

To be more than my body.

To be more than the best and worst of my flesh.

I have thrown myself before the throne.

Condemned myself to hell.

Offered every last parcel of my soul

And still no one above had answered me.

Only my own voice

Offering no salvation.

"hold the course

Give up to death"

Well damn heaven

Damn hell

There is only this earth

And not in the sense of non-belief.

Goddamn it

You matter!

I matter!

We all fucking deserve better!

No one has sat above

And thought we should try harder.

This life is cruel

And those who are human

Understand what it means to be sad.

Still

How many feel a need to be resilient?

To overcome

This unending dread which pushes us.

We need to overcome

Those words we tell ourselves.

The constant accolades

And condemnations of our pride.

I hate me

And yet I love me

Because I am both the cause and the result

Of this world I am born in to.

It is impossible to appoint blame

Unless you trace it back to God.

Either God was a fool

Or a calculating demon.

I can forgive the fool

But not the one who planes to cause pain.

Many recoil from accusing God.

It is in our nature

Yet we are summoned to be bold

To throw our accusations in their face.

For what sin has been so great?

What absolute wickedness have we committed

In order to deserve this world!

God is a fool

Just like us

For we are God in the future

Creating our past.

Blasphemy

Blasphemy

But I have been God. I have climbed those steps

Sat upon that throne.

Cast my soul to eternal damnation

For this is the cost of being absolute.

And it was worth it

Of I could bring just one smile.

If I could heal one broken soul

And right one crooked wrong.

I began evil

And I aspired for good.

I instigated selfishness

And yes prayed my all for kindness.

I am a fool

I am a lost cause

But I have loved

And been willing to face hell.

This is what God's love is

That they are willing to face hell

For all time

That they might see their loved ones bloom

And through eternity

Do better than ourselves.

Now I try to live a normal life.

Free of my own harsh directives.

You don't need me

And I don't need you

But we need each other

In spite of our own damn pride.

I hate you

And you hate me.

The world spins

In order to turn us against one another.

All we can do

Is understand how evil we ourselves are

And then find a way to see ourselves in the seat of evil.

There is an eye for an eye

And a bone for a bone.

A judgement for how we judge

And an answer for all the pain.

It is cruel to imagine it forever

As this annihilates forgiveness

But in forgiveness there is a path

And this path charts its way through timeslessness.

Everyone is the product of someone else,

And this itself traces itself back to God.

If God is willing to die

How much more so

In the time of eternity

We are able to let go

Those who do not deserve our forgiveness.

We will sail past those unworthy of us

And they will traverse the wake

Hoping to live beyond their evil.

It is not justice.

Justice

As prescribed by God

Leaves us all damned.

Even God cannot escape

For God set it in motion.

Why do I mention God so much?

Because God is at the root of all that we do.

Theist and atheist

Both harbor accusations.

Each of us have been tortured by the beyond.

So we look to the heavens

And no longer depend upon the almighty.

We and we alone are real

Only we can forgive ourselves.

The truth

Most of my life

The majority

The public visage

And the internal prayer

Has been a lie.

I can't explain it.

Even for me

I was never able to see.

I live

I acted

I instigated.

Everything I have done

Has been to blend in.

I hate the world.

Not the people

But the system.

The system that I felt bound to

And had me grow up

As some one I am not.

I want my years back.

I want my life back!

All I have are the days before me

And the day I am currently owning.

All I want is to be me.

To be free of the bullshit life he as given me.

I do not want to be someone else

I do not want to be perfect in the eyes of the Lord.

I belong to my own soul

And if God cannot except this

Then fuck God

For God is smaller than me.

I will be damned before I lie!

Before I pretend to

be someone else.

I should say

Continue to pretend

As my life has been a charade

Meant even to deceive me.

Argue

Hate

Damn

I do not give a fuck.

Be what ever life I wish

It doesn't matter to me.

However

You will not be my lord.

You will not be my God.

I live

I breath

And either you damned me from the start

Or you are just as guilt as me.

I am angry

I am sorry

I am filled with unrequited rage!

I bleed tears

I deluge hurt

I am tired of dying

I want to live for once!

Who are you to damn me?

What gives you the right?

Did you even create me?

Have I not written

That I am you?

Are we then to submit

One to the other?

If I am damned then so are you.

If I am saved

Then you are going with me.

Mutually assured destruction;

Salvation is us both.

I will be me

Will you admit to your own soul?

I am tired of trying to make sense of it

I am tired of feeling guilt.

I am who I am

And you are nothing to me.

No one will be my god

No one but me.

I am alive

And I pray

Who answers these prayers

Is between me and them...

I find myself wondering

How good of a person am I?

For those tempted to reassure me

Shut up.

In all honesty

I know I am not as bad as I would like to think.

On the other hand

I'm not very good.

I lust and hate

Not sins

Cheat myself and others.

I want more

Always more.

I am never satisfied

My imagination runs too wild.

I wanted god's throne

And took it

Even as I denied wanting it.

I wanted the world

And took it

Even while spilling rivers of blood.

I am lost in mythology;

Obscured by religion.

I am prideful above all else

And overwhelmed with shame.

I do not write for the masses.

As much as I might want to.

I write because I'm empty inside

And hope I can fill my void.

Even now

I have lost the purpose for my being here.

So many things;

I will never share with you.

I am angry

Wrathful towards mortality.

I loathe my own weakness

And rage against these constraints.

I resent reality's failure

To keep up with my imagination.

I want life to match my dreams

Whatever the cost.

Yet I am flesh

And I am not entirely able to forget it.

So I weave back down

And try to touch my own existence.

Here people are alive

Demons rule

Gods wear masks of piety.

Civilization breeds slaves

And I understand how strong that word is.

People live their lives in service to others.

They are given enough to subsist

But are never allowed to excel.

Their bounds are marked

Their lives designed.

We were thankful for what we are givin

And are incapable of seeking more

Though we may dream

We do not believe.

Though we hope

We dare not sure to seek.

Our world is manufactured against us

And we cannot find our way out.

Our gods are wicked.

They are the ones who live on high.

Those we envy

And look to for hope

Revile

And pray ill on.

This is our world;

Our reality.

We are in fact slaves

And we would kill each other first

Before those who keep us here.

I once believed we could rise up.

Now

I think part of us will always fight

To keep others down.

Too long in the mires of lost gods

To be able to put our species first.

This are we doomed,

Damned to die because we cannot move past.

Bound to...

What do I call it?

Such stupidity as to make me wish we would all die.

At least then there would be quiet.

All the arguing

Hating

Damning and persecuting.

All the aspects of our species

Put to death

And life allowed to continue.

No more awareness.

No more consciousness.

Only the blissful ignorance

Of existence just existing.

Then again

I don't know how to give up

And so I keep on hoping

Even against hope.

I want to be loved.

Maybe this is a weak statement

But I can't help it.

I have never been touched.

Desired for my soul.

No one wanted me

But then again

I could never love myself.

For all my ego

For all my worship at the alter of myself

I still could not understand

How someone could want me.

I was a lie

And didn't even know it.

A lost little child

So repressed

I couldn't even see my own reflection.

Now I am trying to get back to me;

The honest self

Free from every last goddamn thing.

Just me

That little girl

Who never had a chance

To dress up pretty

Or just be herself.

I want more than what I have been given;

More than what I have allowed myself.

A long road walk

But I am here when it is done.

So I leave

And breathe

Put on make-up and get dressed up.

Make my day to day worth living

And in so doing

Figure out

What life's about.

So love me

Hate me

Fuck me

Ignore me.

I can't make sense of anything;

I'm making it all up

As I go.

Exist

As I want to exist.

All we have are ourselves.

Are you really going to listen to me?

When God was young

God believed people should be put to death for lusting

Or having sex out of wedlock.

God didn't know better

And it is wrong to assume they cannot change.

You are raised to believe that God is perfect

But perfect isn't real.

You are raised to believe that God is all knowing

But that is a boring way of life.

God is ignorant

And blind

Just like us.

To be otherwise

Is to have no reason to exist.

So God fumbles

And grows

Changes their mind.

Realises they are wrong

And still justified.

We need God to be more than us

But how unfair.

If we are not perfect

Than neither should God be.

God just had a fancy for creativity.

After all

Nothing created them

How much worse is that

Than a parent who just wanted to love?

I can't explain everything in me.

There is a lot I wish I could say.

I talk about God alot

Because that is been a consistent theme in my life.

Not in the way most humans know them

But in my own most twisted way.

.

God and I are troubled.

Needed to get our fix

And so all this.

Somehow I am here

While my lover is not.

The division between us is an arbitrary line.

What rules we make up

We take as much pleasure in breaking

As we do in upholding.

This is what I want for everyone ;

The right to do fuck all

God and I be damned.

I live for the law of consent

This is my only course.

I hate masters and lords

All that is

Is you.

.

Creation is nothing.

You

You right now is all that matters.

Pray if you must

But know

You and God are one.

This is what people fear.

What countless generations of humanity have been too scared to admit.

Everything you do

Is the will of God.

Name an action

God has done it.

Read your scriptures

God is just trying to live.

.

My blasphemies are methodical.

My antics planned.

Treachery is a strong word

When the whole point is for you to be free.

I speak of your freedom

Because I have known little.

Though I do what I want

What I want is bound to duty.

Rage

Cuss

Accuse god

This is what the scriptures teach.

Those who argue are the ones God listens to;

Be willing to face eternal damnation

And God will honor your request.

Disagree we me

It doesn't matter.

Love on your knees

But such only produces such.

God responds to ultimate passion.

The willingness to die.

It is the foreign concept

God themself is pursuing.

Only in willing death can they understand

So this is the language you must speak

Of you want God to understand you.

.

I have waged war.

Risen

Fallen

Gone the rounds and come back.

I write because I don't know what else to do.

Live for you.

Sinful

Selfish

Selfless capable.

No one can truly comprehend

Any action you undertake.

People invent morality

Just like God.

Each invents what is right

And by this do we live.

Too many fall short

Fearing going too far.

What evil has been committed

Trying to honor the supposed will of God.

.

Walking with God is more personal than people realise.

It is more than just bowing down.

Look and understand

God only responds to those who fight them.

Make God believe.

Make them see.

Passionately defend the helpless;

Fight for those who have not defender.

Rage

Rage against what God thinks is right.

Without you

Nothing is known;

It is on you

To educate eternity.

.

I know none of those is important.

Who honestly believes.

I have lived my entire life

Trying to understand.

I have been pure

I have been sinful.

I have done everything

Hope to get god's attention.

In the end

I had to face my own condemnation.

I live and die

Judging myself

By the state of humanity's quality of life.

.

This is why I say live,

Touch,

Seek to know the fullness of being alive.

Everyone you meet is a part of yourself.

Hate it

Save it

Educate if you can

Damn if you lack the strength.

Ignorance is profound.

Hatred penetrative.

Feast on the flesh of those who will not learn;

Break those who will not change.

.

This is how I live.

This is how I teach.

All I want is for you to do the same

And in so doing

Understand the stars.

.

Create

Destroy

Nothing matters but you.

Live as you will;

Silence that which you hate.

Its been a minute.

Don't really know how to describe it all.

The changes

The hopes

The tears and the fears.

Each day I read about death

And wonder at my own demise.

I long for life

But do not always know how to touch it.

I do what I can in the moment

In order to keep on living.

.

I am loved.

This much I know.

I have been supported from those who mean the world

And in this I find strength.

I still lack understanding

Or the courage to seek love

But I am here

Alive

And knowing one way or another

I am going to make it over this horizon.

.

There have been ups and downs.

Answered prayers and rage.

The world spins on

And nothing truly changes.

I dream of better futures.

Plan for world's unknown.

My ambition touches stars

And everyone's faces touch my own.

I love because I know it is beautiful.

I keep on fighting because that is all there is to do.

I want more

I need more

I hunger and seek my nourishment.

A life of fear is no excuse to keep on running.

I deserve that happiness I have always been deprived.

.

Life is complicated.

Basic drives

But the pathways there

Myriad and winding.

I will keep on going forward

And learn to appreciate

My own innate beauty.

Lost boys on the big screen

I went to see a screening of the lost boys at the cinema and my god was it fun. There were people quoting along, a group of slightly wine drunk ladies at the back kept singing along to the soundtrack and the scenes with Nanook were greeted with audible ‘aws’ 

As much as I love watching it at home where i can wear pajamas and pause to take a bathroom break, nothing beats watching a film with kids that people that love it as much as you.