Hi, It's Been A While

hi, it's been a while

i don't really have a format in posting nor do i have a draft as i type this atm. tumblr has been my go-to site for dumping all my thoughts since 2011, my dreams, things i find funny or pretty, my frustrations. but then i stopped. i cant even remember when. expressing myself was so easy back then. my thoughts and emotions poured SO easily and i was able to articulate them. now, at 30, my brain is a mess. rotting from misuse. my attention span has gotten worse since the age of short form content rose.

just a few thing about me, im an introvert, i love dogs and coffee and music and movies. i used to love reading and writing but im trying to incorporate those things back into my life despite my busyness, despite the tiredness from being an adult working in a corporate setting.

anyways, now that im sitting in front of my PC. yes MY PC. i never thought id be able to own one hehe. now that im here i can say my life was never boring. it wasnt as adventurous or full of exciting things but it was never meaningless.

after i graduated from college in 2015, i struggled to find a job. i was jobless for four years. during that time, i was stuck at home, cooking, cleaning, helping my mom and grandparents as i didnt want to be a burden. it helped a lot that we had dogs that i never felt alone. i was sad, struggling mentally but i wasnt alone. i came over to a friend's house every now and then to hang out with her, watch movies, eat and talk about mundane things. she was one of the few people that kept me sane. then at some point, i stopped coming over, i stopped talking to friends for 8 months. i felt inadequate. i felt shame coz i still didnt have a job until i got lucky in early 2019, my uncle told me to apply for a company nearby and i got accepted. my life was finally getting back on track. the office setting wasnt really as bright and cheery but things were working out. i was able to give my mom some money. i only leave a few bills for myself. i finally got the courage to contact my friends and they welcomed me like i never even left. for that, im grateful.

2020 came, COVID struck. everything turned upside down for so many people. our family was lucky enough that none of us got sick with it. during this time, i got active on twitter and youtube and was able to talk to new people. btw met someone in particular on youtube on 2019 who quite interesting. most of our values aligned. he's funny, smart, nice. we played some mobile game every now and then. we'd chat on messenger. everything stopped after early 2020. i dont know if its because i got locked out of my facebook account or if it's because is started self-isolating again. he was a nice online friend

early 2020 met someone else in person, he was nice but things didnt work out. tbh 2020 wasnt that eventful. it was all a blur. almost fever dream like

early 2021, i created a Twitch account. i aspired to be a streamer in the sideline lmao. not to earn money from it but so i can get over my fear of public speaking. i never got to actually stream properly tho. i instead became moderator for quite a few streamers. some already growing, some only beginning their streaming journey. this time was when i felt most alive. i met several people (virtually ofc) from different countries, ages, ethnicities and cultures. tbc coz im hungry brb lmaoooooooooooo

I am that bitch

i'm gonna fucking fight my demons and heal from this shit and someday i'll live in a humble home with my partner and our moms (ofc boundaries will be enforced, we're all grown adults) and our furbabies. my partner and i will have a game room with his black with purple accent pc/gaming setup and mine would be white and pink. we'd both be pursuing our passions, him- food and gaming, me- art and animal welfare. we'd spend the rest of our humble human lives enjoying food, talking about mundane things, singing love songs to each other, gaming, probably watching the moon and stars at night, having movie nights and simple dates and loving each other.

i know nothing is certain and nothing is ever set in stone. things may still change but i wanna stop fucking worrying about things that aren't happening yet and just be here in the present. i want to really LIVE.

I used to desire so much; now what I want is just to live in peace.

And if someday  the uncertainty of this world  becomes too overwhelming,  I hope you remember  that some mysteries  aren’t meant to be solved,  they’re meant  to be lived.

“When feeling overwhelmed by a faraway goal, repeat the following: I have it within me right now to get me to where I want to be later.”

— Karen Salmansohn