I Used To Desire So Much; Now What I Want Is Just To Live In Peace.

I used to desire so much; now what I want is just to live in peace.

hi, it's been a while pt. 2: twitch love meta

had to cook coz im very hungry

so, 2021, yes. (i know i'll be skipping a lot of things on part two because i will be focusing on my experiences on twitch) *back to the update* i was ALIVE. i loved people. PEOPLE. IMAGINE!?!? i moderated streams and loved welcoming people, making them feel good, including them in conversations, inviting them in events, having friendly banters. i did stuff for streamers that i saw as friends. stuff like stream overlays, discord servers, giving advice or insight about streaming. wait, i know it's weird that im giving advice as im not streaming but i like to observe other big streamers and learning about growing as a streamer/content creator. well, i could say im good in theory but that's just about it. it will still be up to them if they'd follow thru with the advice or not as they know themselves and their community better than i do. who knew socializing could be wonderful?? certainly, not me, one who grew up socially awkward lol

late into that year, i met someone who was very persistent with messaging me and as a people pleaser and someone who doesnt have "boundaries" in their personal vocabulary, i entertained this person. weirdly, we got together january of the next year (2022). we were together for a month and i can say it wasnt a relationship between mature people. i dont wanna go into details as i dont want to paint someone in a bad light. we were just incompatible. the last week of that relationship was the first time ive ever felt anxious. you know that feeling of your stomach turning and aching even when you havent eaten yet? that relationship lasted for a month. i cried for a while but didnt feel too lonely as i had great friends from Twitch. one, in particular, who has left kind messages to me since 2021 every time i felt lonely or even just during the holiday. one who will be a very significant part of my life from then.

lmao is this update gonna become a love story???

summer of 2022 (april-june), he's been dropping hints that there is someone he likes. the hints were vague so i refrained myself from assuming anything as i didnt want to look foolish. early june, we were both in a friend's stream chat and he was dropping more hints and the day after, i mustered the courage to ask him what he meant by the things he said on chat and then he confessed (GAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH <3). i was honest that i wasnt ready then for anything more than friendship and he was cool with it but after a month, i confessed to him that i liked him too (uwu). we continued on being friends after a few more months. i have to add that i was thinking that he's still hung up on an ex and i didnt want to push for anything because i dont want to be someone's placeholder. late october, we talked about us, if we're both ready for a romantic relationship and we took the leap and became a couple. we've been together since and it's september 2024 now. during those two years, i've lost several friends, had family problems but he was my constant, my rock, my light. we've had good times, great times, sad times, petty fights, big arguments. we've also almost broken up for around 3 times. the closest was june of this year. we fought thru it. we wanted to try again. now, my boyfriend, my partner, my best friend, the love of my life, is in the hospital. he had a mild stroke and heart attack and i've never been more scared for him. he's conscious now but still isnt able to talk. later tonight, i'll try to talk to him and hopefully provide some moral support because we've been in a long distance for the past two years. now, im no religious person but i pray to whichever god is up there to protect and heal the man that i love most. hopefully he recovers soon. we still have so much to do and have so many dreams to turn into reality. i miss his voice...

“Try a little harder to be a little better.”

— Unknown

STOP THINKING THERE IS A DEADLINE. THERE IS NO DEADLINE. TAKE A DEEP BREATH AND TAKE YOUR TIME.

I don't know how consistent I'll be with blogging or writing again but I will try. My format may be inconsistent every now and then but I don't wanna pressure myself to stick to a single format as I'm still tryna discover which way I like. I honestly can't be bothered to check for typos/ misspellings in previous post coz my mind's pretty loaded at the moment. I've been getting back to reading again and have recently started reading "The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love" by bell hooks. Hopefully, I can commit to it and finish before the month ends. Gonna take it slow for now.