He Sacrificed His Balls To Save Techno

He sacrificed his balls to save Techno 😔

Cat au

Philza and Techno, the notorious rules of the Antarctic Empire who ruled with an iron fist, are reincarnated as cats and get adopted.

~~~~~~~~

Ranboo has had his eye on a couple of the campus cats for a while.

Well, the only campus cats, they were extremely territorial and no other cats would set foot on campus anymore.

The big one, Techie, was rumored to have fought off a rattlesnake.

Okay, maybe the cat’s names weren’t *actually* Techie and Phil, they were originally named by the social studies teachers with the same names the famous AE dictators, Philza and Technoblade. They had a similar appearance, as much as cats could resemble famous dictators, and a tight bond.

And Ranboo couldn’t exactly go around calling them *that*, now could he?

Someone would think he was one of those neo-Antarctics if he did.

Ranboo had put a lot of effort into getting the cats to trust him, sometimes just spending hours sitting on the sidewalk near the bushes where they liked to sleep.

He’d occasionally bring treats for the cats, a can of chicken or tuna, and it seemed to be working. Slowly though. Very slowly.

Ranboo really hoped they’d trust him enough to be able to take them home before he graduated.

The small light orange shorthair tabby, Phil, would sometimes come over to greet Ranboo now when he sat near the cat’s hideout, and occasionally allowed Ranboo to pet him. Techie usually watched from the bushes, distrusting of Ranboo.

Today though, Ranboo was worried. Tubbo had shown him a video one of the students had posted on ChitChat of Techie fighting a coyote. Techie had run the coyote off, but not before it got a few hits in.

So here Ranboo was, skipping class, with a bag of cat treats in his hand, a blue towel over his shoulder, and a pink cloth carrying case under his other arm.

He arrived at the cat’s favorite spot and called out for them.

Phil came *running* out of the bushes towards him, meowing loudly.

That’s not something Phil had ever done before, and it certainly didn’t reassure Ranboo about the cat’s well being.

“Hey, little guy.” Ranboo crouched down. “Are you okay? Where’s Techie, huh? I heard he got into a fight with a coyote.”

Phil, still meowing loudly, turned in a circle twice and started walking in the direction he’d come from, glancing over his shoulder peek at Ranboo.

“You want me to follow you?”

Phil kept walking.

“Okay” Ranboo stood.

Ranboo followed Phil a short way before Phil disappeared under a bush, and Ranboo knelt down to get a look amid Phil’s frantic meowing.

“Yeah, I see him Phil, I see him.”

The large reddish brown tabby lay under the bush. Ranboo shouldn’t have been able to get so close without Techie reacting, but for now he was still.

“Alright, let me get a better look at him.” Ranboo said, setting down the treats and the carrier and reaching out with the towel to gently grab Techie and drag him out from under the bush.

Ranboo caught his breath.

Techie’s fur was blood matted and the rise and fall of his ribcage was barely detectable. The complete lack of reaction to what Ranboo had done was an indication that the cat was likely unconscious.

“Oh nooooo” Ranboo breathed. “That’s not good. This- this needs professional help.”

Phil was quiet now, worriedly nudging against Techie.

Ranboo tried to think as he wrapped Techie in the towel.

“Okay, the nearest emergency vet is about a twenty minute walk. I can take him there.”

Phil meowed.

“You don’t want to let him out of your sight, do you. Okay, you can come, but you have to be in the carrier.”

Ranboo unzipped the carrier and Phil got inside. Huh. Ranboo thought that would be harder.

Ranboo got the carrier strap over his shoulder and picked up the towel wrapped Techie in his arms.

“Okay, here we go.”

~~~~~~~~~

It turned out that the walk was twenty five minutes with two cats. Techie had been whisked to the back before they even got Ranboo’s information.

Once he was gone Ranboo sorted out the situation with the front desk. The lady asked if Techie had been vaccinated, and when Ranboo said no, she asked if he wanted to go ahead and have that done.

Ranboo agreed, and asked if they could vaccinate Phil too. The vet could do that, and if he was going to be here for a few hours anyway, they could even neuter him. Techie would need time to recover before he was eligible to be neutered though, so he’d need a separate appointment.

Phil didn’t seem too happy about that idea, but Ranboo was determined to be a responsible cat owner, so Phil was soon in the arms of another veteran, on his way to surgery, and Ranboo waited alone.

A few hours later, Phil was returned to him and he got an update on Techie’s condition. He would be okay, but they’re keeping him overnight for observation, and would need a couple weeks of medication. After that he would be healthy enough to be neutered.

Ranboo went ahead and scheduled the appointment.

~~~~~~~

Ranboo takes Phil home (they gave Phil the good meds, he is very high) and takes Techie home the next day.

Techie recovers well, but Techie is very stubborn and refuses to get in the carrier and Ranboo can never get him to the vet.

Not even after Techie warms up to him.

I love everything about this, but especially that Phil lost his balls in the divorce...

I have so much lore for this one.

• The war was started by Hypixel about ten years ago by Techno’s father and older brother

• As part of the years of planning put into the invasion, the king and crown prince of Hypixel found the information about how Hardcore does treaties, and decided that they needed a plan if the war didn’t go well

• Techno doesn’t know it, but the only reason he was born was to be that backup plan. The sacrifice of things went wrong

• That’s why Techno is ignored by his father and brother. He was a tool to them. Why would you visit a tool.

• Techno is raised with his role in mind. His duty to the crown and to his people was always emphasized

• Philza was incredibly angry that Hypixel sent a child to be sacrificed. Relations will be tense.

• Philza really hoped that Techno would say no to the sacrifice

• Philza only got angrier as he got to know Techno. How could Hypixel’s king and crown prince send this sweet, intelligent, caring child who would be ten times the king his father was to his death?

• It also made Philza so angry that his family never bothered to show up to help Techno prepare for the ritual, or for the ritual itself

• The tea that Techno drank was poisoned, though the flower was poisonous because the goddess’s sacred flowers are imbued with her power

• Philza, being favored by the goddess, has been granted some control over that power

• Techno did not feel any effects of the poison until he was on the alter because Philza waited to draw out the power until then

• Phil used the power to erase any pain that Techno would feel, to make it easier to access his heart, and also to insure that the very moment Techno completed his role in the ritual he would die and be sent to the goddess

• The goddess can tell if a sacrifice is sincere or not in their desire for peace

• Techno very much gets adopted by the goddess

• When Philza dies Techno gets to keep him as a dad

• Techno was buried in Hypixel because his family doesn’t want his body

• Philza always leaves gifts for Techno at his grave on holidays and Techno’s birthday

• Techno’s mother is dead, but she doesn’t have any desire to see him. She was resentful towards her children because she was not a consenting participant in making them

• The peace between Hardcore and Hypixel did not even last ten years because Hypixel tried to invade Hardcore again

• This time Philza doesn’t consider peace as an option, and conquers Hypixel, killing the royal family and turning it into a vassal state

Two kingdoms au (mcd, human sacrifice, a little gore)

Techno is the younger prince of the kingdom of Hypixel. The kingdom has been at war with the neighboring kingdom of Hardcore for as long as Techno can remember.

Unfortunately, this means that Techno never met his father or older brother, as they were busy with the war effort.

Techno was raised by the castle staff. He still had the best education in books and swords.

When Techno is eleven, word comes that peace has been negotiated.

There’s only one problem: the kingdom of Hardcore worships the goddess of death, and any peace treaty must be sealed with the death of a member of the ruling side’s ruling family.

And Techno is expendable.

The reasoning makes sense, Techno is neither the King nor the Crown Prince. But it still hurts.

Techno is sent with a delegation to Hardcore. He wants to run, but he knows what the consequences will be for his people if he does. So he stays.

On the journey, Techno hears the delegates talking about him. Some seem sympathetic, but the others warn them not to get too close, because Techno is destined to die on Lady Death’s alter.

None of the castle staff are part of the delegation, and Techno is alone.

They arrive at the castle of the king of Hardcore. The staff is polite. The accommodations are nice. Techno has a very nice set of rooms all to himself.

The next day a knock comes on Techno’s door.

The door is opened to reveal the ruler of Hardcore himself, Philza, politely asking to come in.

Philza has come to explain the ritual that will seal the peace treaty. It will take place on the goddess’s holy day in two weeks time. The participant MUST be willing. Is Technoblade willing? He asks, is he sure? He is not being forced?

Techno is scared, but he is willing.

For some reason, Philza looks sad at the answer.

Every afternoon following the initial visit, Philza comes to see Technoblade. They talk or walk through the palace or the gardens or spar or read in the royal library.

It makes the days bearable.

Two days before the ceremony, Techno turns twelve. Philza brings a short novel as a gift and a cake to share. Techno finishes the book the next morning.

The afternoon before the ceremony, Techno asks if his father or brother will be there. They chose not to attend.

Techno looses his grip on his emotions and sobs in Philza’s arms.

Philza promises Techno that he will be with him the whole time, and that it will not hurt. Philza promises that the goddess is kind.

The promises are the only thing keeping Techno together.

The next morning Philza offers Techno tea made with a single petal from one of the goddess’s sacred flowers.

The tea tastes… cold. Philza does not drink.

The next part is usually done with the sacrifice’s closest family and friends, but Techno’s family is not here.

It is Philza who helps Techno bathe and dress, and it is Philza who gently takes Techno’s hand and walks him down the isle of the church of Lady Death to the altar, like a father about to give away his daughter to her betrothed.

Philza lays Techno down on the alter, his hand brushing Techno’s hair back and out of his face before moving to be a steadying grip on Techno’s shoulder.

Philza addresses all the people Techno does not know and Techno studies the design on the ceiling.

Techno already knows the words.

The speech comes to an end.

Phil’s hands shift to rest gently on Techno’s chest. Techno closes his eyes, silent tears escaping.

It seems that Philza’s first two promises to him held true as there was no pain when Philza’s fingers dug into Techno’s chest and pried back his ribs.

It felt odd with Philza’s hands inside his chest, gently gripping his heart like a precious thing.

Now Techno was somewhere else, cradled in the arms of the woman Philza had described to him. It was over, but even now Techno could still feel Philza’s hands holding his heart.

Everytime I tried to post this one, I had to just lay down and cry for a bit. It broke my heart (in a good way). And they way you explain the dread of the inevitable sacrifice just CRUSHES MY SOUL (in a good way)

Crying again 😢😢😢😢💚💚💚💚

Florida is cool and all, but you do have to assume that every body of water has a gator in it until proven otherwise.

Chayanne and Tallulah try to organize a surprise baby shower for Phil and their new sibling (nonexistent)

The kids telling Bad that their dad is pregnant, or worse, they tell Missa

You know that ain’t staying secret and soon literally everyone except Phil thinks that Phil is pregnant and pretending (very badly) that they don’t know about it

Suddenly people are extra nice to Phil and keep giving him things?

Weird but Phil’s not going to object.

The concerning thing is that whenever a hostile mob is around it gets jumped by like six people before it can ever get close to Phil.

Phil apparently has bodyguards now that he can’t get rid of and no one will tell him what’s happening. They’ve all been sworn to secrecy.

i wished i could find the og image but.... is this anything

A new Technoblade video and an unseen video with him in it. I miss him so fucking much.

Also if the food in your microwave catches on fire, do not open the microwave.

Turn it off and unplug it.

This will likely smother the fire.

If it doesn’t, you’re going to need a class c fire extinguisher (electrical fire) like carbon dioxide.

Fire extinguishers come with instructions and they say what class of fire they’re used for.

This one is an ABC fire extinguisher.

Good for flammable solids, flammable liquids (like oil!) and electrical fire.

It is not suitable for class D fires (the metal is on fire, and is what’s actually burning)

I recommend that you familiarize yourself with the fire extinguisher you’re around the most.

When using a fire extinguisher, your instinct will be to aim at the fire.

It’s important to remember to aim for the base of the fire.

Why aim for the base if the oxygen is in the air?

Good question.

Fires are made of three components: fuel, oxygen, and heat causing a chain reaction.

To put out a fire, you need to separate two of these things.

The fuel is at the base of the fire, and the oxygen is in the air.

So to separate the oxygen from the fire, you need to aim at the base of the fire where the fuel is.

Firefighter demonstrates how to put out a kitchen fire