It Was A Normal Night At The Tower Starbucks. Or, As Normal As You Can Get In The Lobby Of Stark Tower

It was a normal night at the tower Starbucks. Or, as normal as you can get in the lobby of stark tower at 3 in the morning on a Sunday.

Which is to say, very, very boring.

Was a normal night. Was. Because at 3:32 on the dot, Tony Stark walks in, carrying one of those thermoses that you’d take hiking and fill with hot chocolate to share with your family of 4 and your kid’s friends, who you have brought along.

It is a very large thermos. It has a “death before decaf” sticker on the side.

The barista is suddenly very, very, afraid.

Stark stops at the counter, places the thermos on the counter. His hair is sticking up in different directions like he’s recently electrocuted himself and the shadows under his eyes are darker than the barista’s eyeshadow.

“Just fill this up with espresso.” He tells her, straight-faced, as if this is a normal request. “I don’t care how much or how long it takes, just fill the whole damn thing up.”

The barista tries not to look at him or the thermos as she keys in a quad shot, and then every single extra shot. She reasons that 20 will be enough.

“Do you want room for cream?” She asks, even though, in her heart, she knows the answer.

He shakes his head and puts one of those slightly stale biscotti things on the counter as well. She wonders if it’s out of pity, or desire to appear to be an actual human.

She had thought he was the only one on that team, unmodified and untrained.

She doesn’t think that any more.

She finishes punching in the order and he pays, adding about a 200% tip. She’d second guess him, but he stares her down as he does it, so that might not be wise.

A tip that could pay her rent for a month has never felt more threatening.

He picks a table by the window and just sits there, tapping on his phone and crunching on his biscotti, and her coworker walks out of the back room and stares.

“Is that-“ he says, staring at him like he wants to go over and ask for an autograph. Surprisingly, none of the avengers aren’t spotted much at the tower Starbucks. She figures they have their own coffee there. She wonders how in the world they ran it.

“Yes.” She says shortly, is still mostly refusing to look at the man in the corner like she’ll see somthing otherworldly and unforgettable if she does.

She starts pulling shots, one after the other, and her coworker gives her an odd look. “What-“ He starts, and never gets a chance to finish.

She grabs his head, and points his face at the thermos. “He wants that full.” She tells him, and pushes him towards the other espresso maker as she dumps the first 5 shots in.

She sees him do a double-take out of the corner of her eye. She’s still kind of hoping that this is a uncomfortably realistic dream and that she’ll wake up from where she fell asleep on the counter, get yelled at by her supervisor, and go back to life.

10 shots, and the thermos is still less than half full. 15, and it’s a half. 30 shots and nearly 30 minuites later, it’s full.

She calls Stark over to the counter, hefting the thermos on top of it. There’s a strap on it, presumably for carrying it like a backpack, which he does not use. He’s saying thank you and ripping open a single pack of sugar when her coworker slides in beside her, panting heavily, slides a postcard and a pen across the counter.

Stark signs it with a bright, if tired smile. He coworker is visibly star-struck. She just wants this night to end so she can pretend this never happens.

Both of them watch in horror as he downs about a third of the thermos as he’s walking out.

Her coworker picks up the phone. She thinks he’s going to dial 911, which is most likely a smart thing to do. Everyone knows that Stark has had… issues with the heart department, even if every official source hasn’t said anything, and that much caffeine can not be good.

His phone doesn’t dial. She takes his phone and puts it face-down on the counter before going back to her work.

Apparently, someone does not want this mentioned. She will be happy to comply.

my grandma brought my parents and I birding with her, and my dad and I are backseat buddies. we are providing witty commentary. now all I can imagine is peter and tony doing the same...

Now for the post only one person asked for: Tony pestering Peter while on an educational trip.

• I’m thinking: class field trip and Tony pulls a suburban mom move and chaperones.

• Studying and watching birds is something neither Tony nor Peter is interested in. Like, at all. Neither of them seem like nature people. Maybe Pepper or Rhodey would be, but even they don’t really seem like they’d be interested. So, if Tony and Peter are forced to learn about birds or nature, the circumstances have gotta be really weird.

• Suburban mom Tony is weird enough, right?

Peter: I know science camp hasn’t been big since like 5th grade, but my HIGH SCHOOL just invited us all to Big Kid Science Camp. Can you sign the permission slip—

Tony: I’ll do you one better >:)

• His motivation? Probably “I want to humiliate Peter by being an embarrassing dad” or “I want to annoy the other adults on the trip, including the instructors, by being more knowledgeable about everything.” Genuinely just wants to bug people. Maybe he wants to spend time with Peter, maybe not— You can’t prove anything.

• Most of the trip he makes himself a general pest by acting like he’s Just a Normal Dad when he’s clearly Tony Stark.

Teacher: Oh my God, Tony Stark— What brings you here Mr. Stark?

Tony: Who, me?? No, no, I’m just a Dad, I just happen to look like Tony Stark

• He probably wears disgusting dad outfits (you know... like crocs...).

• But the fastest way to be annoying and embarrassing?? Harassing the group with witty commentary. Perhaps during a nature walk.

• Take, for instance, some commentary my father and I provided on our outing.

Instructor, passing binoculars between the students: Now, over in that tree, you can see an immature eagle.

Tony: How do you know he’s immature? What, is he drawing boobs in the dirt?

———

Instructor: If you look over there, you’ll see a group of snow geese.

Tony: And over there, you’ll see a partridge in a pear tree!

———

Instructor: That black and white bird there—

Tony: He’s from an old-timey movie.

———

Instructor: Do you know why they call it a bald eagle?

Tony: Because the white feathers around its head make it look bald.

Instructor: Uh, yes, actually.

Tony, to Peter: HAHA TAKE THAT I’m the star pupil now!

———

Tony, whispering to the students: You know, if we steal that duck over there, we’d be abDUCKting it.

Ned: Haha, that QUACKed me up!

Peter, hiding his face: Oh my God

• “I’m trying to look cool in front of my friends, dad, come on.”

• Every time Tony opens his mouth...

Peter? Embarrassed.

Other students? Having the time of their lives.

• So, I’d say Tony’s mission was a success!

Me scrolling Castlvania fan content when I’ve only seen season 1 so far

“When will I learn,” i say, typing the name of my latest media interest into the search bar to look for fan content

“When will I learn,” i say scrolling through the tag, admiring all the fan content found

“THAT MY ACTIONS HAVE CONSEQUENCES,” i  s c r e e c h, spoiling myself yet again via shitpost

This

There are true gentlemen left in the work after all 🥲

This is my new favorite phrase. Where I live there’s currently sustained winds of over 45mph and gusts that have been clocked at 68mph. My job requires that I be out in the wind pretty much all day and I can relate to that beautiful fox on a spiritual level. I will also absolutely throw down with ANYONE who gets between me and my chocolate at the end of the day.