Getting Yourself To Write

“Getting” yourself to write

Yesterday, I was trawling iTunes for a decent podcast about writing. After a while, I gave up, because 90% of them talked incessantly about “self-discipline,” “making writing a habit,” “getting your butt in the chair,” “getting yourself to write.” To me, that’s six flavors of fucked up.

Okay, yes—I see why we might want to “make writing a habit.” If we want to finish anything, we’ll have to write at least semi-regularly. In practical terms, I get it.

But maybe before we force our butts into chairs, we should ask why it’s so hard to “get” ourselves to write. We aren’t acting randomly; our brains say “I don’t want to do this” for a reason. We should take that reason seriously.

Most of us resist writing because it hurts and it’s hard. Well, you say, writing isn’t supposed to be easy—but there’s hard, and then there’s hard. For many of us, sitting down to write feels like being asked to solve a problem that is both urgent and unsolvable—“I have to, but it’s impossible, but I have to, but it’s impossible.” It feels fucking awful, so naturally we avoid it.

We can’t “make writing a habit,” then, until we make it less painful. Something we don’t just “get” ourselves to do.

The “make writing a habit” people are trying to do that, in their way. If you do something regularly, the theory goes, you stop dreading it with such special intensity because it just becomes a thing you do. But my god, if you’re still in that “dreading it” phase and someone tells you to “make writing a habit,” that sounds horrible.

So many of us already dismiss our own pain constantly. If we turn writing into another occasion for mute suffering, for numb and joyless endurance, we 1) will not write more, and 2) should not write more, because we should not intentionally hurt ourselves.

Seriously. If you want to write more, don’t ask, “how can I make myself write?” Ask, “why is writing so painful for me and how can I ease that pain?” Show some compassion for yourself. Forgive yourself for not being the person you wish you were and treat the person you are with some basic decency. Give yourself a fucking break for avoiding a thing that makes you feel awful.

Daniel José Older, in my favorite article on writing ever, has this to say to the people who admonish writers to write every day:

Here’s what stops more people from writing than anything else: shame. That creeping, nagging sense of ‘should be,’ ‘should have been,’ and ‘if only I had…’ Shame lives in the body, it clenches our muscles when we sit at the keyboard, takes up valuable mental space with useless, repetitive conversations. Shame, and the resulting paralysis, are what happen when the whole world drills into you that you should be writing every day and you’re not.

The antidote, he says, is to treat yourself kindly:

For me, writing always begins with self-forgiveness. I don’t sit down and rush headlong into the blank page. I make coffee. I put on a song I like. I drink the coffee, listen to the song. I don’t write. Beginning with forgiveness revolutionizes the writing process, returns its being to a journey of creativity rather than an exercise in self-flagellation. I forgive myself for not sitting down to write sooner, for taking yesterday off, for living my life. That shame? I release it. My body unclenches; a new lightness takes over once that burden has floated off. There is room, now, for story, idea, life.

Writing has the potential to bring us so much joy. Why else would we want to do it? But first we’ve got to unlearn the pain and dread and anxiety and shame attached to writing—not just so we can write more, but for our own sakes! Forget “making writing a habit”—how about “being less miserable”? That’s a worthy goal too!

Luckily, there are ways to do this. But before I get into them, please absorb this lesson: if you want to write, start by valuing your own well-being. Start by forgiving yourself. And listen to yourself when something hurts.

Next post: freewriting

Ask me a question or send me feedback! Podcast recommendations welcome…

41 Emotions as Expressed through Body Language

Found Here x

41 Emotions as Expressed through Body Language unique  This list, while exhausting, is soooo not exhaustive; it barely scratches the surface. And each entry could easily become cliché (if it isn’t already). But, it should be enough to get you started. Want more? Start watching people (not in a creepy way), and take notes of what they seem to do when expressing different emotions. Your repertoire of expression will double in no time. PS—do not use these for actual, real-life body language reading; you will fail. These are strictly novelistic.

Awed  -Slack -jawed, raised eyebrows, staring  -Frozen, slack body language (Self? What self? There is only Zuul.)  -Take a step back and put a hand to his heart

Amused  -Smiling and throwing back her head laughing  -Slapping her thighs, stamping her feet, clapping her hands  -Shaking her head (That’s so wrong!)

Angry/Aggressive  -Sharp movements, like shaking a fist, pointing, slashing, or slamming a fist on a table  -Flushed face, patchy red blotches  -Tension in neck—chords standing out, veins throbbing—and jutting or tucked chin  -Arms akimbo, or clenching fists  -Entering someone else’s space and forcing them out  -Poofing up with a wide stance (I am big! Very big!), arms wide (Bring it!)  -Lowered eyebrows, squinting eyes  -Teeth bared, jaw clenched, snarling

Annoyed  -Pressing lips together into a thin line  -Narrowing eyes sometimes with slight head tilt (Why do you still exist?)  -Rolling eyes, often paired with a long-suffering sigh

Anxious  -Fidgeting, such as tearing grass into little pieces, playing with a ring, or chewing on a pencil  -Biting lower lip, swallowing unnecessarily  -Quickened breathing or holding breath  -Darting eyes  -Pallor, sweating, clammy palms  -Unusually high-pitched, “nervous” laughter  -Hunched shoulders  -Pacing

Attentive  -Slow head nodding with a furrowed brow  -Leaning forward, toward the speaker, and sitting up  -Taking notes  -Looking over the top of her glasses

Bored  -Resting his head on his palm, peeking out between the fingers, maybe even slipping so his head “accidentally” hits the table  -Tapping toes, twirling pencil, doodling, and otherwise fidgeting  -Staring out a window, or at anything remotely more interesting (Which is everything …)

Confident  -Arms clasped behind body  -Head lifted, chest out, standing tall  -Walking briskly and making firm, precise movements

Confused  -Tilting head with narrowed eyes  -A furrowed brow  -Shrugging

Contempt/Superiority  -Lifted chin (The better to look down the nose.)  -Pursed lips, sneering, slight frown  -Circling a shoulder, stretching her neck, turning away—anything to indicate she doesn’t see the person as a threat or worthy of her attention  -Grabbing her lapels, or tucking her thumbs in her waistcoat (See this clothing? It is much nicer than yours.)  -Dismissive hand-waving

Cynical/Sarcastic/Bitter  -Twisted lips or a half-smile  -Sneering, sometimes with shaking the head and other defensive body language  -Pressed lips with a slight frown  -Eye rolling

Defensive  -Crossed arms, legs, crossed anything, really (Well, maybe not fingers … or eyes …)  -Arms out, palms forward (Stop!)  -Placing anything (sword, shield, book, backpack) in front of her body

Disgusted  -Crinkling his nose  -Curling his lip and/or showing the tip of his tongue briefly  -Flinching back and interposing a shoulder or turning away  -Covering his nose, gagging, and squinting his eyes shut—hard—for a moment. (It assaults all the senses.)

Displeased  -A plastered-on fake smile (You suck; but I can’t tell you that. So here: a fake smile! Enjoy.)  -Pouting or frowning (I’ll cry if you don’t give me what I want—don’t test me, I will!)  -Crossed arms and other defensive/frustrated body language (I will not let that terrible idea influence me!)

Distressed  -Wide eyes and shallow, rapid breathing  -Beating the walls, or huddling into a corner  -Clasping hands over his head protectively  -Rocking himself  -Handwringing  -Running his hands through his hair

Earnest/Passionate  -Leaning forward, nodding, wide eyes with strong eye contact and raised eyebrows  -Hand on heart, or presented palms-up, or otherwise visible  -A double-handed handshake (I really want to make sure you understand me!)

Embarrassment  -Blushing  -Stammering  -Covering her face with her hands or bowing her head (I’m so embarrassed, I can’t look!)  -Difficulty maintaining eye contact, looking down and away

Excited/Anticipation  -Rubbing hands together (I can’t wait to get my hands on it!)  -Licking lips (It’s so close I can taste it!)  -A vigorous, pumping handshake (I can’t wait to get started!)  -Jumping up and down (Look at me being literal here! I am jumping for joy.)  -A wide and easy grin

Flirty  -Eye play, like winking, looking up through the lashes, over the shoulder glances, and eye catching   -Preening, like hair flipping or smooth, clothing straightening, spine straightening, etc.  -Striking a cowboy pose, with his thumbs gripping his belt tight

Frustrated  -Shaking his head (You are so wrong!)  -Massaging temples (My brain—it hurts.)  -Clasping his wrist in his opposite hand, behind his back (Bad arm! No biscuit.)  -Running his hands through his hair (All this frustration is making my hair mussy. I can feel it.)  -Grabbing onto something like armrests, or white-knuckled interdigitation (Restrain yourself!)

Happy  -Smiling and laughing  -Eyes and nose crinkling  -Swinging her arms, spinning loosely, dancing, jumping

Impatience  -Quick head nodding (Get on with it!)  -Toe/finger tapping (Hear this? These are seconds. Wasted. Listening to you.)  -Sighing, checking the clock/sundial/freckles (Time. It is moving so slowly.)

Jealous  -Tight lips, or a sour expression  -Narrow eyes locked on the perpetrator, to the point of a stare down  -Crossed arms, and additional frustrated, angry, possessive, or bitter body language

Lying  -Scratching their nose, ear, neck, miscellaneous part of face  -Sudden change in behavior or demeanor, including shifty eye contact, lots of long blinking, shrugging -Ill-timed smiles or laughter (This is how I normally smile, right? Right???)  -Additional anxiety body language  -Shaking head no while saying “yes” (I can’t believe I just lied.)  -Licking lips, covering mouth, touching mouth, etc.

Overwhelmed  -Both palms to forehead, fingers splayed (This gives me a headache.)  -Covering eyes with one hand (If I can’t see the world, it can’t see me …)  -Eyes wide and staring into space, hands gripping the table in front of her (… Woah.)

Playful/Friendly  -Winking  -Waggling eyebrows  -Tiny shoves or nudge

Pleasure  -Head tilted back, lips parted slightly, eyes wide or closed  -Slow, languorous movements, stretching (such as arching her neck or back)  -Slight flush, quickened breath and pulse

Possessive  -Handshake with arm clasp  -Putting hands on or around someone’s shoulders, neck, waist, back, or even just the wall near them  -Standing in someone’s personal space, body positioned toward that person  -Any one-sided act of intimacy, like running a knuckle down someone’s cheek  -Staring down any who get too close

Proud/Dominant  -Chin up, chest out, shoulders back  -A painfully hard handshake that not only squishes the bones, but also forces his hand on top  -Leaning back with his hands behind his head, and his feet up  -Strong, unblinking, focused eye contact

Reluctance/Resistance  -Arms crossed, sometimes with fists (Not happening.)  -Dragging feet (But I don’t wanna!)  -Pinching nose (You want me to do what now?)  -Clamping hands over ears (La la la la!)

Sad/Upset  -Droopy body (and anything held, like a sword), bowed in shoulders, wrapping arms around self  -Slow movements with hesitation  -Bottom lip jutting out and/or quivering  -Crying, sobbing, body shaking, sniffling, wet eyes

Secretive  -A tight-lipped smile (My lips are zipped.)  -Hiding her hands in her pockets (What has it got in its nasty little pocket?)  -Looking away

Scared  -Hunched shoulders, shrinking back from others (Don’t hurt me!)  -Wide eyes and lifted eyebrows (The better to see them coming.)  -Shaking, trembling, or freezing  -Rocking from side to side, sometimes holding self (It’ll all be okay, self, it’ll all be okay.)

Shame  -Slumped shoulders (Don’t look at me.)  -Trouble meeting your gaze, looking down and away  -Burying her face in her hands or bowing her head (I can’t face the world right now.)

Shocked  -Hands covering her mouth, or mouth hanging open, sometimes with a gasp (If I had words, I would be saying them.) -Freezing and staring with wide eyes and eyebrows raised (Diverting all resources toward staring.)  -Smacking a palm into his forehead (Clearly, my head isn’t working right, or I wouldn’t have seen that)

Shy  -Avoids eye contact, or has only fleeting eye contact (Eye contact means you might speak to me.)  -Keeps a fair distance from everyone, and will back away if someone steps closer (Space invaders!)  -Folded arms, head down, and other defensive body language (If I make myself small, they can’t see me.)

Smug  -Slight, close-lipped smile (occasionally one-sided) and sometimes one raised eyebrow (I know something you don’t know.)  -Chin slightly tucked, Mona Lisa smile, raised eyebrows (I know better.)  -Finger steepling (I am so smaaaht.)

Suspicious/Skeptical/Disbelief  -Narrowed eyes, sometimes with a sidelong glance or raised eyebrow (Perhaps if I look at it out of the corner of my eye, I will catch it unawares.)  -Rubbing his eyes (I can’t believe what I’m metaphorically or literally seeing!)  -Shaking his head (I—I don’t believe it.)  -Blowing out cheeks (Well , I don’t know …)

Tired  -Rubbing his eyes, eyes staring into space, raised eyebrows (Raising my eyebrows helps keep my eyes open.)  -Yawning and/or stretching (I am tired—see? Tired! Too tired to care!)  -Almost nodding off and jerking awake (Cannot. Stay. Awa—snnnnurzzzz.)  -Gritting teeth to stay awake (Cannot—yawn—dang it!)

Thoughtfulness/Thinking  -Steepling fingers (I will think better if I center myself and focus.)  -Pinching nose, sometimes with closed eyes (Focus, focus—I just need to focus.)  -Tugging on an ear (This will help me remember!)  -Stroking a real or imaginary beard (People with beards look smart.)  -Furrowed brow, narrowed eyes, sometimes tilted head and pressing lips together (I can’t see it—I will try harder!)  -Resting his chin on his hand (Thinking makes my head heavy.)

Triumphant  -Hands clenched and held above head while grimacing (She is invincible!)  -Head tilted back with a yell (She is fierce!)  -Arm pumping in the air, jumping (Woohoo!)

Symbolism

I thought I might not be the only writer out there who likes to put symbolism in their stories so I found some things and what they represent!!

Animals

Alligator - stealth, survival

Ant - diligence, industry, community, remarkable strength, hard working, success, patience

Antelope - action

Armadillo - boundaries, self protection

Badger - aggressiveness, passion and drive

Bat - rebirth, longevity, joy, good luck

Bear - gentle strength, dreaming, introspection, power, protection

Beaver - builder, accomplishing goals

Bee - divine messenger, love, service, gathering, community

Bird - enlightenment, perspective, swiftness, vision, prophetic knowledge

Boar - nature-based wealth, prosperity, success, protection, courage

Buffalo - prayer, abundance, survival needs met, good fortune, healing

Bulls’ horns - a good symbol in meditation for motivation

Butterfly - rebirth, the soul, transformation, the three phases of life

Cat - feminine energy, mystical power, used to keep the wearer safe in travel, wholeness

Chameleons - ever-changing future, inconsistency

Cheetah - speed, focus

Cougar - power, swiftness, balance

Cows - red cows are a symbol of hope, inspiring symbol for nurturing efforts

Coyote - trickster

Crane - longevity. A pair of cranes symbolizes “Long Marriage”

Cricket - good luck charm, singing, Spring, fertility

Crow - sacred law, gateway to supernatural, shape shifting, illusion

Deer - graceful gentleness, sensitivity, compassion, kindness

Dog - companionship, health, service, loyalty, protection, future prosperity

Dolphin - manna, joy, childlike play, helpfulness, breath of life, harmony, intelligence, self connection

Donkey - fertility, easy childbirth, efficiency, health, well-being, and luck

Dove - peace, innocence, fidelity, love, gentleness, kindnes

Dragonfly - good fortune, magic, vision, dreams, luck, and ancient knowledge, illusion

Dragon - wisdom due to long lives and potent magic, royalty, Emperor, eternity, courage, strength, rain, Spring

Eagle - courage, spirit, bravery, strength

Elephant - commitment, strength, astuteness

Elk - stamina, pride, power, majesty

Fish - miracles, providence, sea/water magic, good luck and prosperity, foresight, fortune, salmon in particular, are associated with knowledge

Fox - camouflage, adaptability, integration, tricksters, shape shifters, and possessors of great magic

Frog - healing, cleansing, messages, health, honesty, fluidity, purification

Gazelle - awareness

Giraffe - grounded vision

Goat - tenacity, diligence, can help to achieve goals, endure criticism, and stay safe. Goat’s fur or foot - an anti-evil talisman.

Goose - safe return, love of home

Grasshopper - nobility, prosperity

Hawk - nessenger, strength, foresight, truth

Hippopotamus - emotional depths

Horses - power, stamina, speed, transportation and communication - A black horse with a white marking on its forehead is lucky

Hummingbird - joy, pure love, celebration of life

Ladybug - delight, trust

Lamb - filial piety (dutiful respect or regard for parents).

Lion (baby) cubs - inspire mercy and gentleness.

Lion (grown) - inspire strength, courage

Lions - pride, nobility, cunning, courage, just laws, fairness, the sun, images can protect sacred ground.

Lizard - dreaming, foresight, ancient secrets

Lynx - secrets

Monkey - benevolence, drives away evil

Moose - self-esteem, assertiveness

Mountain Lion - wisdom, leadership

Mouse - frugality, rebirth, scrutiny

Opossum - strategy, diversion

Otter - medicine (woman), balanced feminine energy

Owl - deception, wisdom, clairvoyance, magic

Ox - evil spirits that disturb lakes, rivers, and seas

Peacock - wholeness, dignity, beauty, recognition, self assurance, pride

Pig - rebirth and rejuvenation

Porcupine - innocence

Rabbit - fear, fertility, moon magic, speed, swiftness, longevity, courage, strength

Raccoon - dexterity, disguise

Raven - magic

Robin - growth, renewal

Rooster - courageous, warlike disposition, warmth and life of the Universe

Scorpion - the “fire within” that often needs careful tending

Seal - inner voice

Sheep - sacrifice

Snake - cunning, evil, supernatural power

Spider - destiny, fate, weaving

Squirrel - gathering

Swan - grace

Tiger - courage, bravery, fierceness, strength, being in the now

Turtle - mother earth

Weasel - stealth

Whale - record keeper

Wolf - teacher, A Guide to the Sacred

Zebra - Individuality

PLANTS

Aloe- Healing, protection, affection

Amaryllis- Pride

Anemone- Forsaken

Angelica- Inspiration

Apple blossom- Preference

Arborvitae- Unchanging friendship

Aster- Symbol of Love, Daintiness

Basil- Good wishes

Bay- Glory

Begonia- Beware

Bittersweet- Truth

Black-eyed Susan- Justice

Bluebell- Humility, kindness

Candytuft- Indifference

Red carnation- My Heart Aches, admiration

- White carnation- Innocence, pure love, women’s good luck gift

- Pink carnation- I’ll never forget you

- Yellow carnation- Disdain, disappointment, rejection

Chamomile- Patience

Chives- Usefulness

Chrysanthemum- Cheerfulness

Clover, white- Think of me

Coreopsis- Always cheerful

Coriander- Hidden worth

Crocus- spring, Youthful gladness

Cumin- Fidelity

Cyclamen- Resignation and good-bye

Daffodil- Regard

Daisy- Innocence, hope

Dill- Powerful against evil

Edelweiss- Courage, devotion

Fennel- Flattery

Fern- Sincerity

Forget-me-not- True love memories

Gardenia- Secret love

Geranium- oak-leavedTrue friendship

Gladiolus- Remembrance

Goldenrod- Encouragement, good fortune

Heliotrope- Eternal love

Holly- Hope

Hollyhock- Ambition

Honeysuckle- Bonds of love

Horehound- Health

Hyacinth- Games and sport, playfulness, rashness

– Blue Hyacinth- Constancy of love

– Purple Hyacinth- Sorrow, forgiveness, regret

– Yellow Hyacinth- Jealousy

– White Hyacinth- Loveliness, prayers for someone

Hydrangea- Gratitude for being understood; frigidity and heartlessness

Hyssop- Sacrifice, cleanliness

Iris- A message

Ivy- Friendship, continuity

Jasmine- white- Sweet love

Lady’s-mantle- Comforting

Lavender- Devotion, virtue

Lemon balm- Sympathy

Lilac- Joy of youth

Lily, calla- Beauty

Lily, day- Chinese emblem for mother

Lily-of-the-valley- Sweetness, purity

Lotus Flower- Purity, enlightenment, self-regeneration, and rebirth

Magnolia- Love of nature

Marjoram- Joy and happiness

Mint- Virtue

Morning glory- Affection

Myrtle- Good luck and love in a marriage

Nasturtium- Patriotism

Oak- Strength

Oregano- Substance

Pansy- Thoughts

Parsley- Festivity

Peony- Bashful, happy life

Pine- Humility

Poppy, red- Consolation

Rhododendron- Danger, flee

Rose, red- Love, I love you.

Rose, dark crimson- Mourning

Rose, pink- Happiness

Rose, white- Purity, heavenly, I’m worthy of you

Rose, yellow- Jealousy, decrease of love

Rosemary- Remembrance

Rue- Grace, clear vision

Sage- Wisdom, immortality

Salvia, blue- I think of you

Salvia, red- Forever mine

Savory Spice-  interest

Sorrel- Affection

Southernwood- Constancy, jest

Sunflower- Adoration

Sweet pea- Pleasures

Sweet William- Gallantry

Sweet woodruff- Humility

Tansy- Hostile thoughts

Tarragon- Lasting interest

Thyme- Courage, strength

Tulip, red- Passion, declaration of love

Tulip, yellow- Sunshine in your smile

Valerian- Readiness

Violet- Loyalty, devotion, faithfulness, modesty

Wallflower- Faithfulness in adversity

Willow- Sadness

Yarrow- Everlasting love

Zinnia- Thoughts of absent friends

Color

Red: Excitement, energy, passion, love, desire, speed, strength, power, heat, aggression, danger, fire, blood, war, violence, all things intense and passionate, sincerity, happiness (Only in Japan)

Pink: love and romance, caring, tenderness, acceptance and calm.

Beige and ivory: symbolize unification. 

Ivory: symbolizes quiet and pleasantness. 

Beige: calm and simplicity.

Yellow: signifies joy, happiness, betrayal, optimism, idealism, imagination, hope, sunshine, summer, gold, philosophy, dishonesty, cowardice, jealousy, covetousness, deceit, illness, hazard and friendship.

Dark Blue: Symbolizes integrity, knowledge, power, and seriousness.

Blue: Peace, tranquility, cold, calm, stability, harmony, unity, trust, truth, confidence, conservatism, security, cleanliness, order, loyalty, sky, water, technology, depression, appetite suppressant.

Turquoise: calm. 

Teal: sophistication. 

Aquamarine: symbolizes water. 

Lighter turquoise: a feminine appeal.

Purple: Royalty, nobility, spirituality, ceremony, mysterious, transformation, wisdom, enlightenment, cruelty, honor, arrogance, mourning, temperance.

Lavender: femininity, grace and elegance.

Orange: Energy, balance, enthusiasm, warmth, vibrant, expansive, flamboyant, demanding of attention.

Green: Nature, environment, healthy, good luck, renewal, youth, spring, generosity, fertility, jealousy, service, inexperience, envy, misfortune, vigor.

Brown: Earth, stability, hearth, home, outdoors, reliability, comfort, endurance, simplicity, and comfort.

Gray: Security, reliability, intelligence, staid, modesty, dignity, maturity, solid, conservative, practical, old age, sadness, boring. Silver symbolizes calm.

White: Reverence, purity, birth, simplicity, cleanliness, peace, humility, precision, innocence, youth, winter, snow, good, sterility, marriage (Western cultures), death (Eastern cultures), cold, clinical.

Black: Power, sexuality, sophistication, formality, elegance, wealth, mystery, fear, evil, unhappiness, depth, style, sadness, remorse, anger, anonymity, underground, good technical color, mourning, death (Western cultures), austerity, detachment.

Chaotic neutral