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š’‡š’‚š’š’‡š’Šš’„š’” & š’š’š’•š’†š’”. š’„š’‚š’š’ š’Žš’† š’ƒš’š’–š’†. š’Žš’…š’š’Š.

321 posts

Yes, That's Matty.

Yes, That's Matty.

Yes, that's Matty. 

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More Posts from Blueberryarchive

8 years ago

I put my heart and my soul into my work, and have lost my mind in the process

Vicent Van Gogh


Tags :
8 years ago

This is so beautiful

A Few Weeks Ago Me And One Of My Friends Went To See The 1975. Whilst There, We Were Having An Amazing

A few weeks ago me and one of my friends went to see The 1975. Whilst there, we were having an amazing time, and Iā€™m usually the kind of person who wouldnā€™t dare to do anything other than what Iā€™m used to. However, there was a moment during the concert where I realised that lifeā€™s about making the most of every moment given to you. There was a guy stood to the right of me who weā€™d been chatting with a little bit, and after a lot of hesitation and shyness, I told myself ā€˜5 seconds of courage is all it takesā€™. So I tapped him on his shoulder, and forced out the words ā€œcould I get up on your shoulders please?ā€, and to my surprise a huge smile lit up on his face and he said, ā€œof courseā€.

He then bent down, I got behind him and felt the hands of everyone around us helping me up onto his shoulders. I donā€™t know who these people were but, they just helped me anyway - people are great.

At this point we were around 2 meters away from the stage, and I felt myself slowly rise as the guy stood back up. I looked around me and saw the faces of the crowd, smiling, singing, all in one huge unity. The feeling I got at this moment was the most amazing feeling in the world, it was literally like I was flying - I canā€™t even begin to put it into words. The atmosphere, the lighting, and of course, the music. All I could do was throw my arms into the air and rejoice as though I was floating in the sea. I looked straight into Mattyā€™s eyes, and as I was the only person on shoulders, he noticed me. All of a sudden, he started staring right into my eyes, singing down the microphone. To me. I didnā€™t think the feeling could get any more amazing but somehow it did. For around 10/20 seconds he continued staring into my eyes. When he noticed my laughing he began to smile too.

Thatā€™s the thing about concerts, everyone is one. The whole crowd is one huge unity, all there for the sale reason. To listen to the music they love sang by the people they love. Thereā€™s no hate, just all, wonderful vibes. I realised that night, again, to make the most of every moment possible. The time really is now.

I was looking through YouTube videos of the concert and found one where Iā€™m up on the shoulders. The picture was pretty blurry - it still is, but after a little editing I managed to make it as clear as it is here. I donā€™t think Iā€™ll ever forget that moment and now Iā€™m so glad I have a picture.

Enjoy yourself. :)

8 years ago

my feels.

Depressive Episode - Luke AU

Hey, this is my very first story/imagine thing that Iā€™m posting. Iā€™ve always loved writing and I wanted to put something out there. So, lemme know what you think, constructive criticism is welcome :)

also, feel free to talk to me i love meeting new people :)

* * *

It was one of those days. The ones where everything was bad and your mind was racing a million miles per hour. The one where your brain is frozen. The one where you canā€™t do anything because youā€™re mentally incapable of doing so.

Luke had gone out with his friends earlier today. Michael, Calum, and Ashton had come to pick him up, and they had gone out for the day. Luke had invited you the night before, but you politely denied, mainly because it was a day out for the boys. You didnā€™t mind.

You began to study, desperate to find something to immerse yourself into. But all these equations didnā€™t make sense. You couldnā€™t understand the concept of a logarithm, much less an inverse function. You could feel it getting bad. And when it finally hit you, all you could do was get into bed. You climbed into bed and pulled the covers over your head, your thoughts racing.

Even though you had a boyfriend, had friends, you had never felt more alone. You wanted someone to hold you, to be there for you forever. Luke wasnā€™t that person. Yes, he held you. Yes, he said he loved you. But you didnā€™t feel like he was going to stay. You knew that in reality, he hated you. You knew that he really despised you. You donā€™t know why he asked you to move in with him. Maybe itā€™s because he was too scared to talk about his true feelings with you.

As time passed and your thoughts raced, you began to cry. Your cries during this time arenā€™t loud. No, theyā€™re simply quiet sniffles. You want to be alone, but youā€™re tired of feeling lonely. Itā€™s hard to describe the feeling. Soon, you drifted off to sleep, unaware of the time.

You didnā€™t know when Luke returned home. When you woke up, he was cuddled up beside you, holding you close. And, at that moment, you couldnā€™t do anything beside look at him and tear up again. He was here because he thought he was in love with you, but he really wasnā€™t. But at least he cared in the moment, right? God, he was so beautiful. His hair, it looked so perfect when it was messed up. You wanted to run your hands through his hair forever. You loved the feeling of his beautiful golden hair on your own skin. It was so silky, so smooth, and so effortless. You studied the ridges of his face. His skin was so beautiful. He had acne scars, but they werenā€™t anything out of the ordinary. He was still your Luke. He was the one who had been there for you through thick and thin, when your dog passed away and when you got accepted into the college of your choice. This boy had seen every side of you. Except this one.

Your depression was something you never revealed to anyone. You donā€™t know how people were able to confide in one another like that. You didnā€™t think you were ready to share that level of intimacy with another person. You wouldnā€™t be able to tell anyone anything without complete breaking down or struggling a lot. And you werenā€™t the kind of person who was completely fine with crying in front of other people. You continued staring at Luke, completely in awe of why this beautiful boy would stay with you. You terrified him, you intimidated him to the point where he was afraid to speak his mind. You knew that he wanted to break up with you, but didnā€™t know how to. He didnā€™t want to be the one to make you all upset. It was your fault for scaring him so.

Suddenly, you felt your eyes flood. It wasnā€™t the gradual build up of tears; this wave of emotion just washed over your all of a sudden.

But you couldnā€™t let yourself cry, not now. You had to be quiet, you had to hide this. Luke couldnā€™t see you like this. So you did the only thing you could - you huddled your face in the pillow underneath your head. You could hear Lukeā€™s steady breathing right beside your ear. He was your rock. Even though you were growing in your thoughts, his breathing helped you calm down.

You focused on his breathing, and the serenity it brought to you.

But you couldnā€™t keep silent anymore, you wanted to cry, you wanted to sob out loud, you wanted to let your misery drown you. So, you tried lightly shifting Lukeā€™s arm that currently laid over your waist. Luke moaned lightly before wrapping his arm around you, this time more tightly.

But you didnā€™t like how Luke had wrapped you up. You wanted to be alone, and just get away from the rest of the world. You tried to move his arm again, but you just got the same reaction again. Now frustrated, you roughly shoved his arm off of you, before rushing to the en suite bathroom. And yes, your eyes were filled with tears as you did so. You learn a confused ā€œhmm?ā€ arouse from Luke, signaling that you had woken him up, but right in this moment, you didnā€™t care.

You slammed the door to the toilet shut and looked in the wide mirror. You looked horrible. You were a mess. Your eyes were blood shot, and your hair resembled a ratā€™s nest. You did the only thing you could think of: you grabbed a towel from one of the cabinets and collapsed on the floor beside the bath, muffled your loud sobs and cries with the towel. You didnā€™t want Luke to hear you.

You didnā€™t know how long you cried for, you just knew that you were letting your emotions get the best of you. But you couldnā€™t help it, and crying was something you felt had to be done. After looking up after bawling your eyes out, you saw footsteps underneath the door, just standing. And just like that, you started sobbing into the towel again, because fuck someone actually cared. Someone actually gave a shit and had come to check up on you.

A few minutes after you had cried your heart out, you heard a soft, ā€œBabe?ā€ from the other side of the door.

You didnā€™t reply.

ā€œC-Can I come in?ā€

You didnā€™t reply. You just didnā€™t know what to say.

ā€œJust..make a sound if you want me to come in. A-And make the sound twice if you just want me to go away.ā€

After a short silence, you slammed your hand on the side of the bathtub, resulting in a ringing sound.

ā€œIā€™ll get the key and let myself in.ā€ His voice was almost inaudible.

You could hear him rummaging through the drawers, and you could hear the clinking of the keys as he shoved the right key into the bathroom door. The door creaked open slowly, revealing your messy self to him. For Godsā€™ sake, you were sitting on the floor of a bathroom, muffling your loud cries with a towel. But the boy didnā€™t look at you differently. No, he simply smiled lightly at you before grabbing another towel and taking a seat beside you. He folded his legs and you did the same.

You felt another wave of emotions overflow you, but you managed to keep this one under control. Only a few tears dripped down your face as you kept your face on the floor. You sniffled again, bringing the towel back up to your face and wiping before bringing it down into your lap again.

Luke didnā€™t say anything throughout this whole ordeal. He was just sitting there beside you, another towel in his lap. He was dressed in a pair of boxers and a black tank top.

You needed someone. Not sexually, but you wanted someone to console you, to tell you it was going to be okay, even if it was a lie.

Hesitantly, you reached down with your right hand, grabbing his left. You gave him a sharp squeeze. Instantly, he squeezed your hand right back, letting you know that he was there for you, through everything, just like he had always been.

You tugged lightly on his hand, and he received the message. He stood up and held a hand out to you. You took his hand and he helped you rise to your feet. He then left your hand and turned on the tap in the wash basin, gesturing with his other hand for you to come over. You did, and you splashed water on your face. Luke turned the tap off and used the towel that he had to help dry your face off. He took from the tight grasp of your hands before chucking it into the laundry basket. Instead, he handed you the towel he had just wiped your face with. Then, he reached down, grabbing your hand once again before leading you back to bed. He helped you lay down and get underneath the covers, before he climbed in as well.

You were facing him, and he was facing you. That single moment was so very intimate. You could feel his eyes sweep over your forehead, your eyes, your nose, your cheeks, and finally linger on your lips. You continued to stare at his prominent collarbones. Luke then placed his hand on the side of your hip, working his way up to the side of your waist, before giving you a soft squeeze. Using the hand on your waist, Luke pulled you closer toward him.

You were surprised, really. Luke had never seen you like this before, and you didnā€™t know that Luke would be capable of taking care of you like this. You didnā€™t know that he wouldnā€™t bombard you with questions. He was approaching this exactly how you wanted to be approached.

But you felt bad, because really, it was your fault for disrupting his sleep, his day, his life.

With your voice hoarse, you managed to say, ā€œIā€™m sorry.ā€

Luke then looked you in the eye and said, ā€œBaby, look up at me,ā€ you slowly lifted your gaze from his perfect collarbones to his usually-bright blue eyes, ā€œWhy are you sorry? You didnā€™t do anything wrong.ā€

You looked back down at his collarbones, determined to distract yourself. But Luke was waiting for an answer, and you knew that you should give him one. Quietly, you mumbled, ā€œI donā€™t know.ā€

Luke let out his usual ā€˜hmmā€™ sound before moving over, closer toward you.

ā€œPrincess?ā€

You didnā€™t reply. You werenā€™t a princess. You werenā€™t even a pauper. You were scum.

ā€œPrincess, please just look at me.ā€

You didnā€™t look at him.

ā€œFuck, princess, please.ā€ He sounded desperate, his voice breathy and shaky, like he was doing everything he could not to cry.

So you gave in, and you spared him a quick glance. At this point, you didnā€™t feel anything. All that crying had left you feeling numb on the inside.

Luke moved his head closer to you, gently resting his lips on your cheek.

ā€œBaby girl, whatā€™s wrong?ā€

Again, you kept silent. Usually, you werenā€™t this quiet, but you just didnā€™t know what to do or say in this particular situation.

Luke took a deep breathe before trying again, ā€œSo, how was your day?ā€ After a short pause, he continued, ā€œWell, I spent the day out with the boys. We went to the amusement park and god, it was hilarious. We dared Michael to ride the most dangerous ride because he was scared, and we all went with him just for the hell of it. He was shaking like a leaf when we got off. I kind of felt bad, but itā€™s okay. He seems fine now. In fact, he seemed completely normal when he was checking out that girlā€™s ass about 5 minutes later. Hmm, and we got Calum cotton candy, because that douchebag had been whining for one ever since we got there. I wish you came with me. Oh, and I threw up once because Calum made me go on this really fast ride with him. Ashton helped take care of me. Donā€™t worry, I brushed my teeth when I got home. Anyway, Calum didnā€™t even feel dizzy. Sometimes, I feel like heā€™s superhuman. Waitā€¦what kind of superhuman doesnā€™t have hair? Weird ass motherfuckerā€¦ā€

Luke droned on and on about his day, and you listened, feeling content laying there with him. He got so excited when he talked about his day out with his best friends, his brothers. He could talk both to them and about them for hours on end.

You appreciated that Luke wasnā€™t hounding you with questions. You knew that he was curious, but he was taking the right approach. He would ease you into telling him.

ā€œAnyway, that was my day, babe. What did you do?ā€ He asked, smiling brightly, like it was just any other conversation.

You wanted to respond, to tell him about how you ā€œstudiedā€ for that math test, and understood everything. You wanted to make up a lie, make him believe that nothing was wrong. But you couldnā€™t. You couldnā€™t lie to those baby blues, no matter how much you wanted. All you did was wrap your arms around Lukeā€™s neck, pulling yourself closer to him. You wanted to be pressed up against him to the point where you couldnā€™t remember your troubles anymore. You placed your chin on top of his shoulder and brought your knees up as well, trying to completely immerse yourself in Luke. He threw one of his legs over both of yours.

He just held you, his grip on your waist had only gotten stronger.

ā€œPrincess, please. Youā€™re killing me here. I didnā€™tā€¦I donā€™tā€¦please donā€™t put me through this.ā€

You couldnā€™t do anything but let the guilt set in. You were making him ache. You were the cause of his troubles. But you just held onto him tighter because you didnā€™t want to let go.

ā€œNo, babe, Iā€™m not going anywhere. I didnā€™t mean that you hurt me, because I swear, you make me the happiest man alive. Butā€¦.but seeing you like this, itā€™s killing me. I miss your smile, I miss your laugh.ā€ You tightened your grip on him, wanting him to know how much his words meant to you, ā€œI donā€™t know if youā€™ve noticed, but I have. You havenā€™t been yourself these past few days.ā€

More silence. You just didnā€™t know what to say.

ā€œBabe, Iā€¦.ā€ He started again, but it was clear that he didnā€™t know what to say at this point either. ā€œBaby, Iā€¦I just, I love you, okay? And itā€™s hard to watch you be miserable, to watch you lose the person you are because of something. Please, I just want to be there for you. You donā€™t have to tell me, but please just tell someone. You can talk to your best friend, you can talk to your mom, you know you can. And you can always talk to me. But please donā€™t keep your emotions hidden inside like this. Itā€™ll just hurt you. Please, baby, just take care of yourself.ā€

And, in that moment, you realized something: you wanted Luke to know. You wanted him to know but you didnā€™t want to go through the process of telling him. That didnā€™t even make sense. You just didnā€™t want to be the one to break the news to Luke. So, you decided to just show him - you escaped the grip of his arm, and walked over to my bookshelf, where you also stored all your books. You pulled out a light blue spiral notebook, hoping for the best. Facing away from Luke, you flipped the book open to a specific page. This entire book wasā€¦well, it was you. You had written in it when you was sad, when you were unsure, when you felt just how you were feeling today. This book had been by your side since you were 16. There were so few blank pages left in the thick notebook. You looked down at the poem you had written down just last week. Holding the book close to your chest, you walked back to Luke, who was now sitting up, with the covers scrunched up around his lap.

You held the book out to him.

Confused and hesitant, he slowly took the book, while staring deep into your eyes, as if he was searching for some sort of answer. You didnā€™t look him in the eye, even though he searched for yours. As he started reading, you walked over to the over side of bed, climbing back underneath the covers. You laid down, turning away from Luke, ready to sleep. You didnā€™t know what you expected Lukeā€™s reaction to be - just nothing drastic. You heard some shuffling on the bed and turned around to see Luke, now sitting up completely, covers thrown over my legs. The book was now open to its first, and he was staring at the date. He continued to read down the page before flipping the page. You flipped back over, unsure of what to do. After 20-30 minutes of pin drop silence except for the turning of the pages, you heard the book shut, heard the soft thud of it being placed on the nightstand. Luke then got out of bed, walked over to the study table in your line of vision and grabbed a pen. You pretended to be asleep, but he didnā€™t look your way. He climbed back into bed, and grabbed my book. You heard the rustling of papers before hearing the scratching of a few sentences. The pen was clicked shut and the book was placed back on the nightstand, along with the writing utensil. You felt him grab his corner of the blanket, probably to pull it up over himself. But, you didnā€™t hear him shuffle lower to get into bed. Instead, you felt him place his side of the duvet on me, so it was doubled over on your legs. You pulled your knees up to my chest, as far as they would comfortably go. You then felt Luke press his front against your back, one of his hands slipping underneath your head, and you lifted your head up just enough for him to do so. The thumb on his other hand stroked a small part of your lower belly, with his wrist resting on the slight curve of your waist.

It was quiet, and you thought that the two of you would just fall asleep like that. All of a sudden, you heard a sudden gasp from Luke. Frightened, you whipped your head as far back as you could, worried for his safety. Your baby boy was crying. You didnā€™t know how long he had been sniffling for, but his eyes were red, just like yours were earlier. His lips were puffy, and he was trying to hide his face with the hand that he had now removed from my waist.

ā€œLuke?ā€ you whispered. You were scared that you had broken him. He was always well put together, always there for you. Of course, you had seen him cry before, but never in this manner. You tried gently prying his hand away from his face, but he just shook his head. You turned your entire body to face Luke and just hugged him. You rubbed a soothing palm up and down his back, patting sometimes. His sobs slowly turned into little pants, then into sniffles, until he had completely stopped.

After a while, he whispered back, voice all hoarse, ā€œIā€™m sorry.ā€

You were confused. Why was he sorry? He didnā€™t do anything wrong. In fact, he had been making me better.

After a short silence, you opened your mouth to tell him that, but he beat you to it.

As he distanced his hand from his face, he looked you right in the eye and whispered in a shaky voice, ā€œIā€™m so sorry that you were feeling this way. Iā€™m sorry that I couldnā€™t be there for you in the way that I could have been. I had no ideaā€¦You always seemed so happy. That day, I just bought you those pencil sharpeners because you asked for them. I didnā€™t know you wouldā€¦.ā€ His eyes tear up again, but he seems more in control of his voice. All I can do is stare.

He continues, ā€œIā€™m sorry. I wish I could magically make you better, but I canā€™t. I wish that I could make you happy forever, and I promise to try my best, but that isnā€™t under my control.ā€

There was silence again, as the two of you just drank each other in.

He continued, this time in a louder voice, ā€œPrincess, baby girl, babe, Iā€™m sorry that you felt like you couldnā€™t tell me. I honestly donā€™t know why you felt so, but I want to help you. I want to help you get better.ā€

You stared back at your favorite body part of his - his collarbones.

ā€œI want you to get help.ā€ He whispered again, eyes glassy with tears.

You didnā€™t know what to say. So you didnā€™t say anything.

ā€œPrincess, look, I may not completely understand how youā€™re feeling, but I understand enough to know that youā€™re terrified. I know that you donā€™t want to ask for help. Youā€™re scared, I understand. But baby, that fear isnā€™t going to go away unless you do something about it. You have to get better. For yourself.ā€

He engulfed you in his arms, wrapping them over your waist, around your neck. He was shaking.

ā€œBaby girl, Iā€™ll be honest. Iā€™m scared, too. I didnā€™t even know what was going on until today. But I believe in you, okay? I know that you can do this. Because baby, youā€™re a warrior and youā€™ll get through this. Iā€™ll help you, Iā€™ll always be there by your side. But you have to do the hard work, love. You have to get through it. Iā€™ll just be cheering you on from the sidelines.ā€

You knew he was right. He was absolutely correct. He could help you, but he couldnā€™t attend therapy instead of me. And he was right, the idea of getting help absolutely horrified you. You didnā€™t want to share your innermost thoughts with a stranger. You didnā€™t want to go on medication for a psychological disorder.

ā€œBabe, I worry about you so much. You mean so, so much to me. I canā€™t stop thinking about you. Not just your body. I mean, that too, I canā€™t even tell you how many times Iā€™ve gotten off to - Right. Um. I was saying, I canā€™t stop thinking about you, the person you are. Iā€™ll be going through my day, and Iā€™ll suddenly think about you. And Iā€™ll wonder what youā€™re doing. Iā€™ll wonder what movie you might be watching, what you might be eating. Iā€™ll try and picture you, sitting in that pair of sweats you love so much, and that goddamn tank top that I love so much. And you have your hair in a messy bun on top of your head, and youā€™re content. Youā€™re happy. Thatā€™s all I ever want princess: your happiness.ā€

You finally decided to talk, ā€œLukeā€¦I canā€™t evenā€¦I donā€™t know how to tell you how thankful I am for you. I donā€™t even know how I can ever repay - ā€

Luke chuckled, cutting me off, ā€œBaby girl, you do enough by just being mine.ā€

* * *

Later the next day, you flipped to the very last page of your notebook, curious as to what Luke had scribbled.

Then, in handwriting that mimicked yours, he had written,

ā€œ27th July, 2025

Iā€™m finally happy again. And Iā€™m brave and beautiful and strong and I know this because I beat my crippling depression, something that had been torturing me for years.ā€

Then, in his messy squiggles,

ā€œLove you loads princess xoxoā€

* * *