Me: *sees This Gif-set

Me: *sees this gif-set

Me: 👀

Me: 'Fuuuuuuuuuuuuu...!'

Me: 'Okay, that's it, I'm writing another AU.'

Wangxian brothel AU Out of context Episode 23

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Some thoughts about BL vs Reality

I will preface this by saying that this isn't about RPF. I don't read RPF. It's just not something I'm personally comfortable with, but I understand the appeal in general. You do you. This is a post about something I've noticed in the real world -- mainly in youtube comments and tweets. I typically just scroll past/mute/block but it's frustrating to see stereotypes being perpetuated under the guise of representation.

This is my first time in a fandom for real people so I don't know how widespread the issue is, but one thing that I've noticed in particular is that there are a lot of people who think BL = reality.

BL is a fiction genre, and assuming that BL tropes are true of irl queer relationships is harmful. This post was prompted by someone arguing with me recently that it's "the norm" for one person to be masculine and the other to be feminine in same-sex relationships, before admitting that they don't* actually know any queer people (*as far as they know). To that person's credit, they acknowledged in the same comment that even if a queer couple has used a word like "wife" it's something between them and shouldn't be applied broadly by strangers -- so like... they're on the right track, but I can't help but feel frustrated when people who admittedly don't know what they're talking about weigh in as if their take is equally valid to someone's lived experience.

And it's not that I "don't get it" -- I used to read BL religiously. As a closeted teen, reading scanlations of BL manga was one of my first and only exposures to queer relationships and it was a relatively "safe". If my mom caught me watching a "shounen ai" anime I could shrug it off as "so what if they're gay?" but if I were to be caught reading or watching something F/F I would have to answer all sorts of questions about whether I was a lesbian. And at least BL had happy endings at a time where nearly queer story in media ended with people dying/disappearing/married off to a straight person. That being said, I was absolutely one of those people who formed some ideas that needed to be unlearned.

Sticking to assumptions based on tropes in BL fiction without making the effort to even learn about actual queer people is harmful. That's not my opinion, that's a fact. BL has some very problematic tropes that reinforce harmful stereotypes, and if that's your only source of information about queer people, then you're being exposed to homophobia disguised as representation. One of my favourite sex-ed blogs is by and primarily for bisexual men and it's a great resource for a frank and inclusive discussion about so many things I wish fic writers would know. (Unfortunately it's on pillow/fort and that whole website is still down at the moment so I can't link it right now.)

Some harmful tropes and how they translate into real life homophobia:

Physical appearance = sexual role: This is not the most harmful trope (more on that below) but it's my biggest pet peeve. The idea that the person who is taller/older/has bigger hands (🙄)/plays sports aka is traditionally "masculine" is the "top/seme" and someone shorter/younger/quieter/thinner/some other traditional "feminine" trait is the "bottom/uke" as a general rule just needs to die off already. Human bodies come in all shapes and sizes, don't try to force people into narrow roles based on heterosexual relationships. (Side note: don't do this to heterosexual relationships either. All that "who wears the pants"/men "bringing home the bacon"/etc bullshit can die too.) How someone looks has nothing to do with what they like in bed.

Sexual identity = sexual role and/or level of promiscuity and/or likelihood of fidelity: Related to the trope above, but a little more specific to the depiction of bisexuality (and pansexuality). First things first: bisexuality is not always 50/50, it is not limited to cis men and women, it's not a phase/gay denial/ploy for attention, and it is not contingent on relationship/sexual history. A bi person is always bi. Onto the trope! Bisexual men in BL (and fiction in general) are usually depicted as "the top" whether they're dating a man or a woman, and willing to sleep with anyone and everyone. Every interaction with a woman means "maybe he likes her/he's cheating/life would be easier for him if he was with her" and it's so frustrating. That part of the trope is especially prevalent if their current boyfriend is "the only man" for the bi character. As far as roles go, bi men can like different things with different genders or not. It can vary from person to person. It's a matter of personal preference, like with anybody.

The insatiable "top": This is the trope that I believe is the most harmful. BL has a HUGE problem with consent. The whole "once I start I won't stop" trope is horrifying. If you read a book where an opposite-sex couple started having sex and the woman suddenly started begging for the man to stop because she was in pain and the guy was like "nope, also we're going to do this whenever I want" and just did whatever the fuck he wanted wouldn't you be disturbed? Why is that suddenly fine when it's two men? Why is it "kink-shaming" to point out how fucked up that is? Consent is important. Full stop. The idea that two men in a relationship just want and have sex at every opportunity is homophobic too. Believe it or not but queer men are still real people capable of self-control. They can exist in the same room without fucking each other. They can attend important events without ignoring their friends for the sake of making out. They can make jokes that aren't just innuendo. They can have other queer friends without hooking up with them. 🙄 Shocking. The harmful real-world implication of this "insatiable" trope is the "gay panic defense" where straight men use their fear of sexual advances as justification for murdering queer men. Depicting queer men as sexual predators that want sex all the time and won't take no for an answer is exactly the mindset that perpetuates this dangerous stereotype. Do I think those murderers are getting those ideas from BL? Of course not. Do I think it's a trope that should be actively pushed back on? Yes. 110%.

I'm going to leave it at those three tropes for now because this post is already long enough. The tl;dr of it is to keep in mind that BL is not representative of real life. Enjoy the genre for what it is -- fiction -- but think critically about how that might be informing your views of real people. Don't assume someone is a top/bottom based on physical appearance and your perception of their masculinity/femininity. Don't treat every interaction with a woman (especially if the guy is gay because why lol but even if the guy is bi) as some kind of "threat" to a queer relationship. Don't treat queer men as solely sexual beings incapable of other interests/platonic relationships/understanding consent. Keep the fictional in fiction.

Whether you like RPF or not, as long as you understand that fictional depictions -- even of real people -- are indeed fictional, then great. My frustration comes from applying that to real people in the real world. That youtube comment and labeling someone as "the wife" immediately comes to mind. No, there's nothing wrong with being feminine and being compared to a woman shouldn't inherently be seen as a "negative" BUT -- and this is a huge but -- when queer men have had their status as "real men" questioned for literally thousands of years, they get to decide when that is okay, not you. You're not being a good ally if you insist on misgendering queer men. Different terms are used in different languages but that doesn't make it automatically okay to use them in English if they are offensive in English. Also, please understand that terms used between people in a relationship, or amongst a group of friends, or within the queer community does not give outsiders to the situation free rein to use those same terms.

Just... respect people. Simple as that.

Me: okay kitty, it's time for me to get up and do something. Go on, get off my lap

Cat: MAKE ME

Me: ...

Me: ...

Me: *opens Tumblr