Fuck Everything, But Mostly Fuck You - Masterlist

Fuck Everything, But Mostly Fuck You - Masterlist

Summary: You have never, EVER, in a million years hated anyone the way you hated Felix fucking Catton. AKA: a more realistic approach to Felix's character, not in the eyes and perspective of a creepy fanboy.

Warning(s): MDNI 18+, Felix is delulu, Reader is so fucking done with England, Michael is Michael, Farleigh is Farleigh, Oliver is Oliver (a creep), and author has spent too much time researching Oxford crap for this mess for a crack fic to be a crack fic

Part One

Part Two

Part Three

Part Four

Farleigh Start Ramblings and Headcanons

Felix is delusional and a simp, yes!

Yes, reader’s and Michael’s “friendship” is indeed special!

So happy to have you on the tag list! I love your commentary!

Fuck Everything, But Mostly Fuck You - Part 2

Previous Part

Summary: You have never, EVER, in a million years hated anyone the way you hated Felix fucking Catton. But silver linings exist in the sticky toffee pudding Mrs. Gavey made for you.

Warnings- MDNI 18+, Sex, Felix is Felix (a ho), Reader finally eating some good fucking food, Michael is Michael, Farleigh is Farleigh, Oliver is Oliver (a creep), alternating POVs between characters, and author has spent too much time researching Oxford crap for this mess for a crack fic to be a crack fic

Author's Note: BRUH??? HOW DID I GET SO MANY NOTES IN PART 1??? Everyone has been so wonderful and supportive. I received so many questions and comments, which have all been great! Thank you for reading this story, and I hope that this part lives up the first one. Also, this is technically a Christmas fic bc it just fits with the story's timeline. I would like to thank Grammarly for catching all my grammatical errors 🥲, @ethereal-athalia for enabling my crazy ideas 🥰, and @valeskafics for providing me Saltburn smut when I catch myself thirsting 😇

Christmas Eve - Saltburn 2006

“Oh! Oh – y-yes, yes, yes! FUCK!”

Fucking the girl underneath so hard to the point where she likely saw stars. Meanwhile, Felix was trying to finish as soon as possible.

“So big! God, you’re so fucking big – FUCK!”

He brought her to his room and in his bed because he thought her hair just barely matched yours, and if he didn’t think too much about it – her voice sounded a bit like yours too.

But he made a mistake.

The girl – whatever her name was – sounded nothing like you. Her hair was nowhere near as pretty and shiny as yours, and her nails were fucking long and sharp that they were digging for his blood. Her makeup too – fucking hell, it was like she trying out for the opera with how much she caked onto herself.

Every time Felix saw you – whether in the library or under a tree – your nails were trimmed short. And from what he remembered, you didn’t plaster yourself in cheap cosmetics.

No, you never needed to. Your style of choice was simpler and more elegant than most girls he knew, including his sister, Venetia. Granted, he loved his sister to bits and pieces, but the girl loved her spray tan in the winter.

But worst of all – she didn’t have your eyes. Her gaze was too mindless and soft, a mix of adoration and unparalleled lust. Your eyes held vivacious rage and

“Felix?” What’s-Her-Face asked. “You okay?”

Fuck, he was getting soft.

Closing his eyes, Felix knew the only way he would get to finish was to think of you. He thought about the last time he saw you. He remembered how hard the wind blew and how cold it was that night. He felt himself harden at the memory of how alive your eyes were right before and after you broke his nose. His back still had the welts from the blows of your notebook. Every time he saw them in the mirror, he would lovingly stroke each bruise because they were the only evidence that you were real.

That you weren’t just a figment of his imagination.

Letting his mind run wild, Felix imagined you here instead of this imposter. He’d imagine you on top – no way a woman like you would let anyone be on top, not even him. Fuck, you’d be the most wild thing ever to exist, he’s sure he’d let you do anything to him.

His heart, his soul – whether you cared for him or wished to crush him under your shoe – everything of his would be yours.

He wondered if you were the type to be into using a riding crop.

Regaining his vigor with his eyes still closed, he imagined you riding him until oblivion. Your breasts would fit perfectly in his hands as you would still be bouncing on his cock. Your head would be thrown back, and his eyes would roll to the back of his head at the feeling of your pussy tightening.

Oh God, he was going to blow.

Quickening his pace, the girl that wasn’t you was full-on howling in unbridled pleasure. When she climaxed, he could finally let go and come. Ropes of his cum spilled into the condom as he shouted out your name.

Falling to his side, he hadn’t bothered to check if Lady Not You remained in the sheets. It didn’t matter if she did; Felix was too exhausted to care. Finally feeling like he could rest, he fell into a dream about the day he felt his life truly begin – the day he met you.

First Week of Oxford University Michaelmas Term of 2006

Felix remembered the first time he saw you – it was after the first week since the term began. He and his mates were fucking around in Radcliffe, and the old bag running the desk was having a cow with them. He was bored out of his mind when all of a sudden – he spotted you on the upper level. You wore dark wash blue straight-leg jeans with rolled-up cuffs and white high-top Converse sneakers. It looked like your shirt must have been at least a decade old, given how the black-dyed cotton was faded to dark gray, and the paint looked cracked and chipped. Your thick locks were gathered in a loose but simple braid. Unlike everyone else, your eyes weren’t focused on him – but on the structure and life around him.

He had to know more.

Slipping a tenner to one of his friends to cause a distraction, he used the diversion to make his way to your spot on the second floor. Having a closer view, you were the most vividly gorgeous creature he had ever laid his eyes upon. He was worried that his movement toward you would alert you of his presence, and you would only scurry off – and away from him. But judging by the slight bobbing of your head, you wouldn’t be able to hear him since you were listening to whatever was playing through your earbuds.

All the better for him to keep observing you.

As he inched closer, his eyes caught the tiny wisps of your hair that weren’t contained by your messy braid, creating a lovely frame of your face while also bringing out the shine in your eyes. You had a simple gold chain around your neck with a circular locket hanging. From the side, Felix could faintly distinguish the words “Bon Jovi” in blue cracked paint and “1989” underneath a skull wearing red aviators.

He didn’t know who the fuck Bon Jovi was, but clearly, he was someone pretty fucking important to you.

But what captured Felix’s interest was how engrossed you were with the scene unfolding underneath you. Your eyes very rarely broke away from the view – only to quickly glance at the hardcover sketchbook you balanced on the white-painted railing. Whenever you glanced down at your sketch, Felix could see how long and thick your eyelashes were. Each time you blinked, it was like his mind broke down the movement of your eyelids frame by frame as if he were editing a Garry Marshall film. He wished he could be your cheek at that moment. If only to feel the gentle flutter of your lashes’ touch. Deep in your concentration, your lips were slightly pursed in a way that brought out their luscious fullness.

He couldn’t help but imagine how they would look around his cock. If he came inside your mouth, he was sure that some of his spunk would leak past your lips before you tried your best to swallow it down.

He was so lost in the fantasy of you and him that he hadn’t realized you had been calling out to him. Breaking out of his reverie, he looked down to see you right before him. And you looked downright pissed at him.

“Hey! HEY!” you exclaimed while waving your hand to his face to catch his attention.

You were American. How adorable.

“If you could stop staring at me like a fucking serial killer, I think your ‘mates’ are trying to get your attention.”

You pointed your finger at his group of friends still on the first floor. It seemed that they successfully drove away the grounds' warden. The old bat was now fixated on putting away all the returned or misplaced books on the shelves.

Must have been Farleigh’s idea.

Anyway, back to you.

“Yeah, sorry about that. Hey, can I get your –” but you were gone by the time he turned back to you.

Instead, he found himself alone on the second floor. He quickly glanced around to see if you had just moved to a different area. But you were gone. Racing the stairwell, hoping to catch up to you, he found that you had already walked too far for him to call you out without seeming completely desperate.

Except that he was.

He watched you walk away – shoulders back, posture straight, and head held high – and thought at how utterly unfair it was to him that you walked away from him so beautifully without giving him your number, or at least your name.

Felix woke up in a dark room; he was confused as to why the maids hadn’t drawn curtains – until he realized that Mum had likely sent them for their holiday after the party was finished.

It's too bad that he wasn’t there to see everyone out like a good son. But he wouldn’t beat himself over about it too much – chances were that his parents were also hungover off their asses too. He didn’t even want to imagine V’s state right now.

Rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, Felix dug into his closet to find whatever someone wore the morning after fucking a completely faceless stranger to scratch an itch meant for someone else. In the corner of his eye, he caught sight of a little note on his nightstand. Swiftly plucking it with two fingers, he could barely make out the words written in swirly cursive.

My name’s Cassie. Just thought you should know for next time. Call me: XXXX-XXXXXXX 💋

Felix scoffed before tossing the dingy paper to the floor – destined to be forgotten before the next hour came – before locking himself in the bathroom to take a piss and wash off the smell of booze and cigs off his skin.

By the time he was finished, it was probably close to noon. He would have made his way down to the kitchens to fix something up – but he was immediately met with Farleigh as soon as he stepped out of the doorway. Bastard startled him up so bad that he practically jumped a foot off the ground.

“Fucking – really, Farleigh?” he asked. “Practically gave me a heart attack first thing in the morning.”

“It’s almost one so that ship has sailed.” He quipped back. “Aunt Elspeth and Uncle James were quite distraught when their golden son wasn’t seen by any of the guests when the party ended. It wasn't good when the Carltons’ daughter was gone for almost an hour. But at least she returned to her loving parents’ arms by the time it was to go home.”

Farleigh shot his cousin a curious look.

“You wouldn’t happen to know anything about that, would you? I’m pretty sure her name was Cassandra.”

Felix just shrugged.

“Don’t know about any Cassandras. Fucked a Cassie last night, though.”

Farleigh snorted a laugh as they went to the kitchens to see if any food was prepared.

“Merry Christmas, indeed.”

A few minutes of companionable silence passed before Felix asked his cousin something important.

“Hey, do you think she’s thinking about me?”

“Cassie or Cassandra? Because the answer’s probably yes anyway.”

“No, not them. Y/N, Y/N L/N.”

Farleigh immediately stopped. He genuinely wondered how Felix managed to get into Oxford sometimes. Sure, he was a legacy kid, but the line had to be drawn somewhere.

“You really think,” he slowly began, “that the girl who dragged you out of the library in front of everyone, broke your nose, beat you bruised with only her flimsy-ass notebook – because you ruined her painting – would be thinking about you?”

Judging by the look in his cousin’s eyes, yes. Sighing at the incredulity of it all, Farleigh could only shake his head before finding something to eat and drink away the migraine he could feel was coming.

Watching his cousin walk away from him, Felix knew he thought he was fighting a losing battle. But he wasn’t too worried. Everything would change during the upcoming term. Oxford was its own world – broken away from everything else. All that mattered to anyone in Oxford was this world's history, present, and future. And now – as it was made clear now to Felix – you were also part of that world. He would get to find you again and make sure to bring you to the point where you would look for him the way he would look for you.

Still, a selfish part of Felix hoped that you were even just the slightest bit miserable being away from him as he was being away from you.

Manchester, December 2006

You were having the time of your life.

Michael invited you to his home in Manchester for Christmas to spend the holidays with his family. You refused, at first, the idea of being a burden to your best friend during a time when it should be spent with family. Michael liked to put up a big front, but you knew that he was just as – if not more – excited to spend Christmas with his folks than you were before the “incident.”

But he insisted, and you could not have been more grateful for the invitation. But you wish you were a tad bit more graceful with your reaction when he first brought it up.

Oxford Dining Hall December 2006

You were angrily shoveling pasta into your mouth at the time. Sadly, the appallingly bland marinara sauce paired with the overcooked spaghetti and dry meatballs was the university's most flavorful dish.

“Come home with me.” He told you one evening during dinner time at the dining hall.

Caught off guard, you half-choked on the mountain of overcooked noodles in your mouth. Immediately, you reached for your glass of water to wash it down and to prevent a truly horrifically dull death.

“What?” you croaked out.

“Come with me to my house for Christmas.” He clarified, utterly unfazed by your near death. “Come on, you’ve been complaining to me all week about not being able to fly back for the holidays. And no one should have to spend Christmas eating whatever slop they’ll end up serving.”

“Michael,” you began, “I am not going to impose on your family like that. And you seemed to have forgotten one key detail: I can’t leave until I re-do the painting.”

“So, come over after you finish,” he reasoned, “I know you remember what to do, and that already cuts the time you originally spent on it in half. You won’t need a whole month to do it again, so come over when you finish. Plus, you don’t have your other classes to worry about.”

You knew that he was right – he was right about a lot of things – but the offer still made you uncomfortable. Scholarship student or not, you were no one’s charity case. If there was one thing you hated more than being underestimated, it was being pitied by people who didn’t know you. That wasn’t the case with Michael, but the feeling made you feel small.

You hated feeling small.

“That doesn’t change the fact that I would be imposing on your family. Your mom’s a nurse, right? She’s probably been looking forward to your homecoming for ages now. Informing her that she should be expecting a complete stranger, who would be staying for two weeks, would be a huge burden on her. She shouldn’t have that kind of stress burdening her during the holidays.”

He rolled his eyes at your concern.

“Don’t be a drama queen. I already have one in my life, and I’m genetically attached to her. And you’re hardly a stranger. Mum’s always asking when you would be visiting anyway. She’s worried if you’re eating enough or getting enough sleep. She’s a bit looney like that.”

You shot your friend a glare. He was trying way too hard to keep a cool, nonchalant façade. Michael Gavey was a total sucker for his family but in the sweetest way. During the long study sessions that stretched into the night, Michael’s defenses were lowered, and you could get more information about his life and home.  

His mom was a Manchester Royal Infirmary nurse practitioner, while his dad was an accountant at Pearl Lemon. They met at a coffee shop. He was working as a barista to pay off his student loans, and she was a nurse just starting her residency. He wowed her with his terrible jokes, and she charmed him with her infectious smile, and the rest was history. Three years into their marriage, baby Mikey was born, with the addition of his baby sister Lilypad a decade later.

When you remained silent, Michael knew your stubbornness would give him endless headaches. But you were his best friend, the only person he saw worth befriending in the infinite sea of prats and slags that overpopulated their university. You laughed at his shitty jokes, and he snorted at yours. You would try to trip him up with out-of-pocket sums; he’d laugh when he answered them before your calculator. You had his back when some rugby bloke pushed him around, and he had yours when some fake tanned bitch called you a tramp.

“Look, I can’t promise it’ll be anything like your home. I know you miss your mum’s cooking and your dad’s drunk stories. But my parents already made me promise that I would get you to visit because it’s Christmas and no one should be alone and you’re going to die without me here and blah blah blah. Just say you’ll come? Lil’ will murder me if you don’t come. She’s been dying to hear all about the Great Apple and Broadway.”

“…It’s actually called the Big Apple.”

Your comment brought a loud and rather unattractive snort to leave his mouth. And the chuckle that came after brought a small and tentative smile on you.

“Look, are you coming or not?”

You had to admit, the invitation sounded welcoming. You were dying to put faces on the people that made Michael Gavey, well, Michael Gavey. He rarely talked about his family, but his tone was warm and soft when he did. It was such a sweet contrast to the snarky little shit you were used to, and so temptation won in the end.

“…Fine.” You agreed after dragging out the tension. “But I am bringing presents for all your family members, and you have to help me. And any funds that were spent on me are going to be paid back before summer. Got it?”

A true, genuine smile crept across Michael’s face.

“I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

“…Will I be seeing any baby pictures of you?”

“Don’t push it.”

You weren’t sure what exactly to expect from Michael’s family – maybe they were wonderful, or maybe the idea of an American that hailed from a city with some of the highest crime rates in the US gave them hives – but you were sure that you wouldn’t be alone if Michael were with you. Safe to say, your expectations were set way too low.

His dad's arms immediately enveloped Michael after you two exited at your stop and the station. You had always assumed most British father figures to be a bit cold and distant, but it seemed that stereotype didn’t apply to his dad. You went in for a handshake but were also caught in a warm hug. You introduced yourself while expressing your gratitude to him and his wife’s generosity.

“Oh no, please,” he insisted, “please call me Greg. Mr. Gavey was my father’s name, and I don’t think I’ve grown that many wrinkles yet.”

When you arrived at his home, it was a medium-sized red brick building in the suburbs. After entering the door and Greg announcing your arrival, quick footsteps ran down the stairs, and a young girl with golden honey curls in pajamas and a pink tutu ran to Michael.

“MIKEY!” she exclaimed. “YOU’RE HOME! Did you miss me? Why did it take you so long? You said your tests were done by the third. It’s the fifteenth today!”

“Lily, Lily,” Michael breathily laughed, “calm down. Of course, I missed you. But I had to wait for my friend because she’s hopeless with directions.”

“That is not true!” you blurted. “It’s not my fault I come from a grid system!”

“Anyway, this is my very good friend, Y/N L/N. Y/N L/N, this is my little sister, Lily.”

Lily turned to you with a big smile and curtsied like a perfect ballerina.

“Hello! My name is Lily! I’m eight, but I’ll be nine in April!”

You almost squealed at how adorable the sight was. You crouched down and mirrored her smile.

“It’s so nice to meet you, Lily! I’m Y/N, and I’m turning nineteen this coming b/m! Your brother here told me so much about you.”

“He did?” she asked with wide eyes.

“He did! He told you how smart you are in math and that you’re an amazing ballerina.”

Lily shyly looked down as a massively cute blush bloomed on her cheeks.

“I wanna be good at sums like Mikey. That way, I can help Daddy with his work like Mikey did when he was my age.”

“Ok!” interjected ‘Mikey,’ cheeks equally flushed at the slipped detail from his baby sister. “Time to find Mum. She in the kitchen?”

“Yep! She’s making roast chicken and mash with peas!” She turned to you. “Is Y/N allergic to anything?”

“Nope!” you replied, “Only dust, but I’m pretty sure that won’t be in the dishes.”

Meeting Michael’s mom – who was absolutely gorgeous, by the way – was another huge highlight of the break so far. Hearing you three entering the kitchen, she immediately turned off the stove and dashed over to hug you and her son.

“Oh, Y/N!” she warmly greeted you. “I’m so happy that you were able to come. Michael has told me so much about you. Have you adjusted well in Oxford? The time difference isn’t putting too much strain on you, is it? You both look so skinny – are they feeding you at all at that school?”

“Careful, Mum. You might scare her off.”

You shot him a mocking glare before answering his mother.

“Don’t be mean! And I think I’ve adjusted well enough to the university. Jet lag wasn’t too much of an issue because my parents made sure I moved into my dorm early and adjusted to the time zone changes before classes started. The food they serve at the dining halls doesn’t compare to homecooked meals, so I haven’t had much of an appetite. But after walking into the kitchen, I think I’ll be able to regain it once I have your cooking!”

“Oh, you are so sweet! I’ll let you get settled. Greg and I cleaned up the guest room for you. It’s next to Lilypad’s room. She’s excited to hear any stories you have about New York. It’s just on the second floor at the end of the hall.”

Walking back to the entrance to grab your bags, you were just in earshot of Michael and his mom’s conversation.

“Michael! Why didn’t you tell me she was so beautiful! I thought she was a model from Vogue when she first walked in! Are you sure nothing’s going on between you two? Should I expect any grandchildren in the near future?”

“Mum!” he loudly groaned as you softly chortled.

Christmas with the Gaveys was so much fun. You played a dozen board games. Michael was a beast in Poker and Uno while you cleared the board with Scrabble and Black Jacks. Mrs. Gavey was a fantastic cook – you couldn’t remember the last time you had any meal that had more than salt as a seasoning since coming to England. You tried sticky toffee pudding for the first time – you almost cried at that first bite. Everyone was so warm to each other and showered one another with so much love. Most of the neighbors watched Michael grow up, and many shared his childhood stories. It reminded you a lot of the Christmases at your parents’ apartment back in Queens.

The community and camaraderie- it was like you were back at home with your family. Your mom would pick up a roast duck from Peking Duck Sandwich Stall in Flushing while you and your dad would go to Eileen’s to wait in line to pick up your favorite cheesecake. The building would have a huge potluck on Christmas Eve, and everyone would bring a dish. Your neighbor, Mrs. Wong, would bring out everything necessary to make her famous dumplings. Everything was made from scratch. You and the kids of the building would learn how to wrap the fillings in the wrappers while the adults made the wrappers and fillings. You would play White Elephant with the other kids on Christmas Day, which usually ended in a fistfight.

You still missed home. You missed your parents and cat. You missed making cookies with your parents because Christmas was the only time when both of them had time off from work. While his school was still on break, you and your dad would take advantage of your mom’s employee benefits and watch a bunch of live Broadway shows.

When your parents skyped you, you cried after seeing their faces for the first time in so long. School was so stressful, and you were starting to regret traveling so far when you could have easily gone to a school so much closer to home. You tried your best to reschedule your flight, but round-trip flights were expensive, and they increased exponentially during the holidays.

You cried for an hour after seeing the prices online.

But thanks to Michael, you felt so much less alone than you would have if you had stayed at Oxford for the entire break. You introduced him to your parents during the call, and they loved him. It was such a massive relief that they liked your friend, especially because of how much his friendship meant to you. When he left the room, your parents basically forced you to ensure he would come with you to stay with you when you returned for the summer. They were shocked when you told them he had never had fresh jianbing or a decent slice of pizza. After the call, you were confident they were making a list of every store and stall you and Michael would visit during his visit.

Classic Queens’ family behavior – showing love by forcing food down your throat whether you like it or not.

At the moment, you were at the window in your room and looking at the moon. It was about three in the morning, and the rest of the household was asleep.

Well – everyone except one.

Michael had crept in about half an hour ago, and the two of you were just looking at the stars. You hadn’t expected to see so many – you could only see the lights from planes and aircraft at night back home. There wasn’t any talking, only comforting silence. The scene outside your window with the fresh snow on top of the rooftops and ground. Each house had a slight outline of their Christmas tree lights shining from their lower windows.

Your fingers itched for your pencil and sketchbook to immortalize it.

Ever so softly, Michael broke the silence while looking at you.

“So,” he began, “how would you rate your first English Christmas in the Gavey Household?”

You looked back at him with the biggest smile that Michael had ever seen on you.

“Ten out of ten. Would pay to see lightsaber reenactment again.”

If there was a God out there, you prayed for the coming term to be as wonderful as this holiday had been for you.

Suburban Prescot, Liverpool December 2006

In a well-established suburban home in Prescot, a short boy with crystal blue eyes and inky black hair locked himself in his room. The noise and babble from downstairs gave him a headache. He hated his parents. He hated his sisters. He hated being invisible and being from nowhere.

He had to get out of here.

In his backpack, a photo of a specific heir of a manor was safely tucked in the bottom. The new term was going to be different for him. He would make sure of it.

Tagging: @aemondsbabe, @ethereal-athalia, @arcielee, @asa-do-your-thing, @valeskafics, @axelsagewrites, @the1999kid, @poolnoodlerescuer, @winterblu2, @abaker74, @whereismymindnow, @agustdeeyaa, @iamavailablesstuff, @bonnieblue0606, @st-eve-barnes, @nyxthoughtss

Let me know if you want to be added to the tag list by commenting!

*boops your nose* send this to ten blogs you think are lovely and deserve a boop on the nose. 🩷💋

I boop you back, my darling! Thank you for all the support you have given me!

"Strawberry Cream Frosting" - Next Gen Eternals AU

Summary: Ikaris and Sephia's son fell in love with Thena and Gilgamesh's daughter. Chaos ensues.

Warning(s): Fluff, accidental love-bombing, Thena and Gil being the best adoptive parents EVER, Mara can't process emotions for shit

Author's Note: HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO ONE AND ALL! I hope everyone had a wonderful day reading a bunch of fics and looking at fan edits!

When Mara opened the front door, she had her baseball bat ready and was prepared to give whatever fucking dumb solicitor was on the doorstep, ringing the doorbell for the tenth time on a Saturday morning.

She wasn’t expecting…whatever the hell this was.

“Happy Valentine’s Day!”

It was a giant box that looked about four cubic feet big and was wrapped in shiny red wrapping paper, pink ribbons, and glitter. On the top was a little sign stating, ‘Bee my Valentine?’ with a little crochet bee keychain attached.

Mara just stood under Gil- her parents’ doorway for thirty seconds. She didn’t say anything. She just blinked at the giant package- until she blurted out the first coherent enough thought in her mind.

“What the fuck?”

A head popped from behind the…thing, and suddenly, it all made sense.

Laurie. And from how insane his hair looked, he decided it was a good idea to fly from Scotland to Ka’ena Point, Oahu.  

“Happy First Valentine’s Day!” he exclaimed before shaking the box for emphasis. As if she couldn’t notice how fucking gargantuan it was from just staring at it.

“…Laurie, what the hell am I looking at?” Mara asked. She pointed at it. “Is Arthur in there with a confetti cannon?”

Laurie furrowed his brow in confusion. “What? Oh! No, I know it’s a little big. But it’s your first Valentine’s Day, and I wanted to do something nice be–”

“What the hell is ‘Valentine’s Day’?” Mara interrupted. “Is it like a food day or something?”

“You don’t know what Valentine’s Day is?” he gaped.

She shook her head. “No…what’s the big deal? Is it like that Christmas thing I went to with the small boxes under the tree?”

The mega-watt smile Laurie flashed to her made Mara slightly worried. Despite how predictable he was, Mara could never get a good read on the guy. He wasn’t dangerous- that much was obvious. But whenever he and Mara were in the same room, he would act like he was glued to her hip. It didn’t help that Uri and Arthur immediately clicked on their first meeting.

And it really didn’t help when she shoved a shotgun in his face before his dad with the pew-pew eyes slammed her against the ground by her neck.

“Don’t make that face,” she ordered. “I don’t like that face.”

But Laurie wasn’t listening. He was jumping on the balls of his feet in excitement. “I have to teach you about it! It’ll be lots of fun, I promise! We can do a bunch of stuff! Wait, just let me–”

Mara moved to the side to let him in. “Oh, yeah. Just–”

He set the heavily decorated box on the ground before asking if he could use the bathroom. She pointed it down the hall. When he was out of sight, Mara tried to lift the box to see how heavy it was, and- holy shit, it must have been over thirty pounds.

How the fuck did that tall-ass twig carry this?

She felt a different heat presence behind her- whipping her head, she calmed down when she realized it was only Gil.

“My dad, everyone,” Mara thought wryly while wearing. “The powerhouse of strength in the Eternals, wearing a ‘Kiss the Chef’ apron.”

“Why was Laurie at the door? And what’s in that box?” he asked while holding his famous quiche in a hot cast-iron pan without gloves.

Mara just shrugged. “Hell, if I know. He said it was for Valentine’s Day or something like that.”

“Ohhhh,” Gil smiled. “For Valentine’s Day? And that big box is all for you? That’s Sephie’s kid for you all right.”

“What’s Sephie’s kid?” came a new voice.

Turning her head, Mara watched Thena walk down the stairs carrying Uri on her hip. It still baffled her to witness how the ancient goddess never had a bad case of bedhead the entire time she and her brother lived with her and Gil.

Gil answered. “Laurie came to visit, giving a certain someone a gift for Valentine’s Day.”

Mara’s dad wiggled his eyebrows at his daughter before setting the quiche down on the table while she rolled her eyes at what he was implying.

Uri looked at his sister and then Thena before tugging on his mom's sleeve.

“What’s Valentine’s Day?” he signed.

Smiling at her sunshine son, Thena explained. “It’s a day humans made to celebrate love. You spend it with friends and the people you love. When you love someone very much, you ask them to be your ‘Valentine.’”

She bopped his nose with a finger and softly laughed from hearing his contagious giggles. Mara smiled, too. Uri’s happiness was infectious. His smile alone was her reason for fighting and running as long as she had. She’d do anything to ensure he was safe, which made her happy to know it paid off.

He signed another question. “If my Valentine has to be someone I love lots, does that mean you, Mara, and Daddy will be my Valentine? Or can I only pick one?”

Mara replied as she reached out to hold him. “You can have as many valentines as you want, Uri. No need to ration out the love.”

She pressed a kiss on his chubby cheek. Peace washed over her when he pressed a loud kiss on hers before wrapping his arms around her neck to hug his sister. Uri was the sunniest sunshine summer child to be born. He radiated comfort with his entire being. There was more love and warmth in his toothy grin than…anything. He was her whole world, and she was his. That was enough.

Laurie walked back into view. “Hey, Uri! How’ve you been?”

Uri smiled wide before wildly clapping. He loved Laurie and his family. He mostly loves Ari, Laurie’s baby brother, who became Uri’s best friend after two minutes of meeting him.

She still remembers how Thena decked their dad after he asked if Uri gave his son any drugs after seeing them spin in circles in the dirt. Mara laughed so hard that tears came pouring out of her eyes.

Laurie put his hand to cover his mouth and loudly whispered in Uri’s ear. “Do you think I can take your sister out today? I want to teach her about Valentine’s Day.”

This distressed Uri as he scrunched his face while clinging tighter to Mara. He adapted wonderfully when Thena and Gil took them in, but he hated being separated from his sister for any period. The first day of her new school was a complete shit show because he cried while she was gone.

“But, I promise that I will bring her back shortly. We’ll even bring you souvenirs!”

Uri looked at her in confusion.

“Presents,” she clarified. “I’ll still be your Valentine, and we can go out and look for some pretty shells tomorrow, okay? You can show them to all your fishy friends.”

Although he liked the idea of presents and spending all of tomorrow with his favorite person in the whole world, Uri still didn’t want Mara to go- at least not without him.

“Why don’t we eat breakfast first? Laurie, can you help Uri get ready? I need to make sure Gil doesn’t dose his coffee with any booze.” She handed her brother to her…friend before going to the kitchen.

Gil had a big fucking smirk on his face when she walked in.

Mara snarled as she grabbed the apron he and Thena made for her as a new home present. “Not a fucking word. I don’t want to hear it. By the way, do we have any cinnamon rolls left in the freezer?”

He only smiled wider. “I wasn’t going to say anything. And we do. Why do you ask?”

Taking the leftover rolls, she preheated the oven. She then grabbed some oranges from the basket on the floor. Slicing them in half before setting the sieve over the plastic pitcher, and taking one half of an orange over the sieve. Taking a deep breath, Mara centered herself.

“Karla,” the name echoed in her mind as the soul covered her hand, and Mara squeezed the orange until the pulp was dry.

She took the rinds and absorbed the remaining qi inside it as a tribute of thanks for her friend’s help. Karla was the youngest and wasn’t called on as much as her other sisters, so Mara wanted to include her in something. The warmth on her skin when she returned to her ink-painted nest was a sign she appreciated the gesture.

Thena walked in and stood behind you. “You should go with Laurie.”

“Why?” she groaned out. “I don’t feel like it.”

The oven dinged once adequately preheated, and Mara plopped the rolls on the rack. She grabbed a metal mixing bowl and all the ingredients to make the cream cheese frosting- including some crushed-up freeze-dried strawberry slices. After measuring them and placing them in the bowl, she started to stir.

“You need more friends,” the two ancient beings spoke in unison.

Thena pressed a kiss on her daughter's head. “You don’t talk to anyone at school. And you can’t spend all your free time surfing, at the shop, playing with Uri, and studying.”

Gil pulled in for a giant bear hug. “Hey, no pressure. But you have to admit, it’ll be a nice change to have someone spoil you for once. And with a tall, pretty boy, too.”

Mara glared at her adoptive dad as he moved past her to get to the bathroom. She tried to fight down the red blush blooming on her cheeks. But she only continued to stir the bowl until it became thick and made the color she wanted.

“I get spoiled enough by the two of you as is,” she grumbled. “And also–”

Laurie and Uri, coming into the kitchen, cut Mara off. “We’re here! And I made sure Uri brushed his teeth and flossed. And – woah, Mara! Why is your face so red? Are you sick?”

He put down Uri and raced to her side. He put his hand on her forehead to take her temperature and used his other one to touch his for comparison. He was so close that she could smell the wind on his skin and the mint toothpaste on his breath. Mara stared at his face- how were his eyelashes so long? And why were his eyes so blue? She felt her face heat up even more and cleared her throat before turning her head.

“It’s nothing,” she croaked. “Can you…can you help Thena set the table? The plates and cups are in the overhead cabinets, and the utensils are in the drawers.”

Laurie moved to grab everything to help set up the table on the outside deck. Mara watched as Thena cupped his face with a warm smile and told him how tall and strong he was becoming. Gil returned and ruffled his air before asking if he was still set on becoming a doctor with how much his muscles had grown. Uri tugged on his sleeve to ask if Ari had missed him as much as he missed him.

This was the part of Laurie that Mara could never figure out how he fit in perfectly and seamlessly without issue or error in any situation. She could analyze and pinpoint a person’s position and physical weaknesses with her abilities without blinking. Every living thing had a heat signature that she could exploit.

But with Laurie…she didn’t want to do that to him. It was like his weaknesses only made him more appealing to others. Ever since the girl first met him, he would follow her around like a puppy desperate for attention from its owner. It bugged her for months. And if she were being honest, it still did after a year of knowing him.

Mara couldn’t really explain it. But it was like...his warmth was inherent- it came from a softer place where only goodness existed. It was less of a raging inferno like her own and more like a gentle campfire. If Mara was a snake, then Laurie was a bunny. A bunny nearly six-foot-tall with clear blue eyes and light freckles–

*BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP*

The oven’s timer went off- breaking her out of the analogy and into reality. She took the rolls out using an oven glove and placed them on a cooling stone.

“Are those cinnamon rolls?”

Mara looked over her shoulder, and Laurie was crouching right behind her. His chin was practically on her shoulder.

She nodded. “You like them, right? You said your mom made them for you for breakfast on your…um…what’d you call it?”

He was giddy with glee. “My birthday! I told you that at Christmas! We were all at Brympton d'Evercy to celebrate Sersi’s and Dane’s engagement! I can’t believe you remembered that!”

Mara supposed the way he smiled was…sort of cute… nowhere near as blindly adorable as Uri’s, but attractive enough.

“Yeah…well, you did fly to give me that…thing. And you're even teaching me about this Valentine’s Day stuff. So, I thought…this could be my present to you.”

If Mara was facing Laurie, she would have seen the softest look of love and adoration grace an adolescent boy’s face in the history of humanity. Laurie loved Mara Drake so much. His dad said he was too young for dating- let alone love, but he knew they were destined for forever.

He wanted to kiss her so badly. But he wasn’t sure if he wanted to be pinned down like how he was when they first met.

Mara scraped the little dried spot on the kitchen island. She so did not like feeling as stupid as she did right now. But…she had a gut feeling Laurie was worth it.

“Um…I crushed some dry strawberry things and added them to the frosting. It turned pink, and I thought that was okay since I saw pink on the box and thought–”

“Cinnamon rolls are my favorite, and I love strawberries,” he whispered. “And pink…pink’s my favorite color after blue. It reminds me of my mom.”

“And if you have time, we can…go find some good spots for sea-shell hunting. Uri can take forever, and it’ll save me some time. I know it’s kind of shitty- especially because you’re doing this whole thing.”

“I love you.”

Mara choked on her own spit and turned her head in shock. Her eyes were bulging out of your head.

What- what did he say?

“What?” her voice cracked.

Now, it was Laurie’s time to turn red. Did he really just say that? And with Gil and Thena literally less than twenty feet away? Was he trying to get the love of his life to hate him forever? Oh fuck, he needed to backtrack.

“IT! I meant to say, ‘I love IT!’ I’d love to help you find seashells! I could even bring some for Ari and Aggie! Actually – they made some Valentine's gifts for you and your brother, too! Ari made this really cool card for Uri. He summoned a bunch of turquoise and made this cool heart! So, um…thanks.”

His voice cracked as he stammered to save himself before awkwardly pausing to express gratitude.

An awkward silence echoed as the awkward future couple mutually decided that their feet were the room's most exciting part.

And the dads decided to make it even worse.

“MARA! IKARIS TOLD ME TO TELL YOU TO MAKE SURE THAT LAURIE’S VIRGINITY BETTER BE INTACT WHEN HE COMES HOME!”

Mara was caught so off-guard that she dropped the spatula in her hand. The pink frosting splattered all over the floor and would be a bitch to clean up.

Fucking-

“TELL HIM TO EAT A DICK AND FUCK OFF!” she yelled back as Laurie buried his face in his hands.

He really hoped Aggie had more luck not humiliating herself with Hamish the way he had with Mara.

Somewhere in Scotland, a little Ari sat on the couch with his mommy as she stroked his daddy’s hair. His daddy was lying in his mommy’s lap.

“Mama? Why is Da crying?” he innocently asked.

You only smiled. “Karma.”

At the same time, in the Amazon, a young girl was planning her and her forever love’s future wedding when she suddenly stood up and looked in the distance. Her future husband asked whatever was bothering his little lady love.

The young girl only sighed while shaking her head. “The idiot fucked up.”

Tagging: @ethereal-athalia, @valeskafics, @asa-do-your-thing, @arcielee, @jolixtreesunn, @beananacake, @redheadspark, @vikingqueen28, @lexyysworld, @lilacliquors, @tesha-i-guess, @tess-love, @inejismywife, @bumblebeesuniverse, @aphroditesmoon

Click on this link if you want to read more about this universe!

After I finish my current Saltburn fic? Does anyone have any ideas for Dark!Felix x reader ideas?

I have another idea in the works of dark/toxic!Felix with ex!Reader

I am also be open to writing dark!Oliver x Reader once I am don’t with the fic I’m writing currently.

Let me know in my ask box!

hellooo this is so weirdly coincidental omg but i just haaaaddd to tell you!! i came across your saltburn fic and while i usually only read hotd.. i just had to read! ive never watched saltburn or any of jacob elordi’s work but i saw your header image and the queens sign and was instantly like ooh! interesting! bc im from queens! and i was hooked by your beautiful storytelling! and your recent chapter about peking duck from flushing??? my mom actually gets that for us on christmas/new years??? and to make it worse! my brother’s name happens to be michael??? and i major in art!!!

idk if that was like.. too much info to give out on tumblr but i just… ahfjlkaj im screaming and ik michael is totally not a unique name and millions of ppl live in nyc and queens and major in art but ive just never ever come across a fic in the fandoms i frequent that share so many (**delulu**) similarities with my life (though im definitely very far from being a yn 😂)

and while i know nothing about felix catton or the saltburn plot, your writing in fuck everything is phenomenal! so vividly captivating and truly showing, not telling! i live for your writing. thank you for sharing it! 💚💚

Listen, I can’t tell you how many times I read this with this biggest smile on my face. It’s literally such an honor to have you experience and read my fic. The idea was something I thought about for a while, and I have always wanted to go to Flushings! I am actually from NJ, so there’s a lot of love from one New state to another!

I actually am so relieved that you were able to connect with the reader in this fic. I never would have imagined that my writing to make such an amazing connection with someone else. I have always admired people who are courageous enough pursue art, especially since I was encouraged to pursue science and math as a child. So I wanted to make a reader who also had that courage.

And that’s who y/n and x reader’s fics are all about! A way for people to connect to the story and feel a connection and see themselves in the story! I’m y/n, YOU’RE y/n, we are ALL y/n!

I am really glad to have reached another person to read my stories and interact with! I also write HOTD x reader stories too! I recently wrote a Christmas Aemond x Reader fic too! Please check it out and tell me your thoughts! Not only is it super encouraging, but if there’s any tips to share, it helps me as a writer!

Once again, thanks so much for your kind words! And I am so glad for you to join along the ride! I do recommend watching Saltburn, because it’s definitely an experience, albeit an odd one.