Beach Trip

Beach trip

Hua Cheng and Quan Yizhen get hit by a de-aging curse that turns them into their 10 year old selves. Naturally, Xie Lian and Yin Yu take care of them while investigating how to reverse it. Unfortunately, Hong-er and Quan Yizhen take to the other like two stray cats forcefully shoved inside a small cage, hissing and spitting and yowling and growling and beating the shit out of the other on sight. Yin Yu looks away for one second and suddenly Yizhen is pouncing on Hong-er, punching the daylights out of him. Hong-er rips a chunk of hair out of Yizhen, both get bitten, blood gets spilled. Yin Yu is panicking while he drags a screaming Quan Yizhen away. Xie Lian is this close 🤏🏻 to throwing Quan Yizhen into He Xuan's lair.

They don't know what to do. Hong-er spilled ink down Quan Yizhen's back, Quan Yizhen threw a live mouse to Hong-er's face, Hong-er locked Quan Yizhen inside a chest and, in retaliation, Quan Yizhen pissed all over Hong-er's Dianxia portraits. Hong-er had a meltdown in Xie Lian's arms and Yin Yu had a panic attack, which in turn made Quan Yizhen hide for eight hours of desperate search until Yin Yu thought to look under his own bed (he was there.)

"Why do you fight Quan Yizhen?" Asks Xie Lian, and Hong-er answers that Quan Yizhen started it.

Yin Yu asks Quan Yizhen why did he attack Hong-er, and Yizhen frowns and answers: "I don't like him" and refuses to elaborate.

They are so sweet otherwise. Hong-er brings every flower he finds to Xie Lian, hands anxiously twisting the hem of his clothes every time as if this time Dianxia won't like them. One time while cooking, Xie Lian glanced back and caught Hong-er praying to him and felt himself melt on the spot. Quan Yizhen tries to help Yin Yu with everything (and fails spectacularly), asking every two seconds if he did good, and smiling and wiggling every time Yin Yu tells him that yes, that was perfect Yizhen.

After a week of incidents, crying, screaming, broken vases and sleepless nights. Xie Lian, tired and desperate, brings them together to end this misery once and for all. He asks Quan Yizhen directly, and the boy doesn't answer, he asks again with a softer tone. Quan Yizhen frowns and kicks him on the shin, hard enough to make him stagger. Hong-er sees this and jumps him, clawing his face and screaming. Yizhen kicks and bites and while Xie Lian and Ruoye do their best to subdue them, Yin Yu stares at them as an horrible epiphany wacks him on the back of his head.

"Your highness," Yin Yu whispers, "that night, before Chengzu saw you, he panicked and tried to run away, so I picked him up... And he kicked me."

Xie Lian doesn't know whether to laugh or cry . "I take it Qi Ying saw it?"

Yin Yu nods miserably.

The next morning, Xie Lian coaxes Hong-er into apologizing to Yin Yu for kicking him, and Xie Lian explains Quan Yizhen Hong-er didn't mean it, he was just scared. Yin Yu, for his part, spent all night teaching Quan Yizhen the longest "I am sorry, your highness" speech, and makes him kowtow three times. Then he proceeds to do the same, both effectively groveling.

Xie Lian grimaces and interrupts the boy as he recites with a blank face and the enthusiasm of someone who's only doing this because his Shixiong asked.

"That's really too much..., there is no need,"

"I beg to differ, Your Highness," answers Yin Yu, still kneeling on the ground. He raises his head and glances at Hong-er.

Xie Lian really can't say anything to that.

Yin Yu nudges Yizhen, and the boy pulls out a golden bar from his sleeve and places it at Xie Lian's feet. "This Quan Yizhen uh.... Um... This Yizhen will... ah! This Yizhen swears to spend the rest of his days atoning for...! For his...?"

"Transgressions," whispers Yin Yu.

"Transgressions! And swears to keep others from laying their filth on His Highness' path, as this one once did. His Highness whims shall become this one's deeds. In penance, I place the West at your feet, Qi Ying's palace is at your service. And if this one's repentance cannot erase this one's grievous sins... Uhm... Give me a moment, I have a lot of rocks in here." Qua Yizhen rummages through his sleeve for a few seconds, and then triumphantly pulls out a dark box. "Found it! Um.. something something sins! In your hands I place the Waning Moon Officer's ashes-!"

"Yin Yu that's really not necessary!"

"It really is, your Highness," he says with a strained voice.

Quan Yizhen leaves the box on the floor, completely unaware of it's importance, and throws himself into Yin Yu's lap. "I did good, right? I only forgot one thing! Shixiong, Shixiong it came out right?"

Yin Yu sighs.

"Yes, Yizhen. You did well."

"That guy interrupted me in the end though, that was rude. Can we go?"

Yin Yu didn't know whether to laugh or cry or grab his shidi and find new employment under He Xuan.

Xie Lian shook his head, crouched and carefully took the box, placed it on Yin Yu's hands. He felt really fond of Yin Yu's earnestness, but truly, this was overkill (Yin Yu would beg to differ, and so would He Xuan if he was there, and so would Hua Cheng if he was 800 years older. As Hong-er though, he only agreed with his Highness because he didn't understand what the act meant. As it stood, he really wanted to push that other kid from a wall.)

Xie Lian waited until Yin Yu raised his head and said softly, yet firmly:

"Officer, I order you to guard this with utmost diligence. They belong to a dear friend of mine, who need not worry for his Shidi's wellbeing," Xie Lian smiled at Hong-er, who stopped glaring at the figures on the floor and smiled back. Not breaking eye contact with the boy, Xie Lian continued, enunciating each word clearly, "after all, said Shidi is also a dear friend, who always treated me with respect, and if something happened to him I'd be very, very sad."

Yin Yu stood up, holding Yizhen's hand in his and the box to his chest. He bowed, "This one apologizes for offending His Highness, this one knows his Highness to be kind and wise, and didn't mean to imply otherwise. This Waning Moon Officer shall do as his Highness commands,"

After that, the boys stop trying to kill the other on sight. And, after much coaxing and promises of candy and sparring sessions, they spend one peaceful hour interacting under the watchful gaze of the only people they cared about. The next day, they sat side to side. Quan Yizhen practicing kicks and Hong-er drawing, both tense in sullen silence. The day after that Quan Yizhen asks Hong-er to help him draw his Shixiong, and Hong-er accepts, both glance at the adults in the room for approval and smile giddily when they get it. The day after, Quan Yizhen teaches Hong-er how to throw a punch, and they mock fight until dinner time (which they eat separately,) . The day after that, the adults decide to leave them alone for exactly three minutes, they wait just outside the room, ear pressed to the door. At the minute mark, they hear the unfortunately familiar sound of two tiny boys doing their utmost best to brutally kill each other.

The day after that, the curse is broken.

Xie Lian takes Hua Cheng to Puqi shrine, desperate for some alone time with his husband. Though he misses Hong-er dearly, his husband's absence had been so painful that now he's drunk on giddy relief.

They work the fields, they make dinner together, and after they're done eating, Xie Lian asks what had been running through his mind.

"San Lang, you two were getting along so well, why did you start fighting again?"

Hua Cheng wrinkles his nose in a way that makes Xie Lian want to kiss him and says, "He didn't want to admit that Gege was better than Shixiong— I mean, Yin Yu. Ah Gege, don't make fun of your San Lang!" He whined.

Xie Lian did try to stop laughing, but not hard.

Once done, he wiped a tear and asked:

"Shixiong?"

Hua Cheng groaned.

"I didn't know what his name was! That animal kept talking about his Shixiong. Shixiong this, Shixiong that! so it stuck inside my head! I wanted to talk about his Highness this and that, but the little shit kept interrupting me!"

"Ahaha—"

There was a loud crash outside. Xie Lian jumped out of his seat, Hua Cheng's hand hovered above E-ming. Abruptly, The Martial God of the West barged into Puqi shrine. Xie Lian relaxed and smiled, a greeting dying on his tongue as he was faced with a fulminanting glare coming from Quan Yizhen's usually stoic face.

Xie Lian sat back again, placed his hands on his knees and waited for the other god to speak.

Quan Yizhen huffed and bowed. Then, he slammed a gold bar on the table with such force it cracked. "You can't have him," He said, bowed again, and left.

Xie Lian was stumped. Silence reigned until Hua Cheng broke it by cackling. Wheezing, he fell off his chair.

"San Lang...? Do you know what that was about?"

Hua Cheng exhaled and smiled at his beloved. "Gege is so popular. I didn't know I had so much competition. Won't he tell me how many other ghosts have offered their ashes to him? Do I need to make Black Water a puddle for him to sleep in? Yin Yu may keep his room, but ah, Gege rejected my poor Waning Moon Officer, didn't he? How cruel, how sought after my God is."

Blood rushed to his face. Xie Lian groaned and hid his face in his hands.

A moment later, Yin Yu's bashful voice spoke inside his head.

"I know."

"I really didn't mean it like that, your Highness,"

"I apologize,"

"It's alright,"

"...May his Highness please ask Chengzu to stop calling me a homewrecker through my spiritual array?"

...

"Ah. I'm sorry, yes, of course."

Still working on this one, friends! Thanks again for waiting.

It's going to have to be posted later today (July 6th) but I super super promise it'll be worth the wait. Just to give you an idea, it's going to be over 10k! And since y'all have waited so long, I think it's only fair to tell you this chapter is titled The Hoodie :) 🩷

Hey y'all! I wanted to give a heads up that this week's chapter of Distance Makes the Heart So Fucking Annoyed is probably going to be posted tomorrow (July 5th) rather than today.

Thanks for your patience and understanding! 🩷

Hey y'all! I wanted to give a heads up that this week's chapter of Distance Makes the Heart So Fucking Annoyed is probably going to be posted tomorrow (July 5th) rather than today.

Thanks for your patience and understanding! 🩷

Fengqing sketchy

The coffin thing is so funny because I think they really do both just shed all their brain cells around each other. I don't think either of them were secretly scheming to be squished into a small space together. They just built a default coffin on autopilot and they were both too afflicted by Hanging Out With Crush Disease to think that through. And then they both got to experience Oh Gods What Did I Get Myself Into. I really like to think that Pei Ming going "why didn't you just build a bigger one?" is the first time that option actually occurred to either of them and there is something uproariously funny about brilliant smart-mouthed Hua Cheng, who can absolutely crush civil gods in debate, standing there bedraggled and drenched with seaweed and sand in his fancy super-realistic hair, presumably magicking his raging boner down, internally screaming WHY DIDN'T WE JUST BUILD A BIGGER COFFIN?!?! and outwardly going "how about you kill yourself?"