I Could Live Without You

         i could live without you

                i could fight without you

                       i could survive without you

                                        but, that doesn’t mean i  w a n t   to…

Hey you eVER JUST THINK ABOUT THE FACT 2B HATED HER TASK BUT SHE KEPT IT UP BECAUSE OF HER PROMISE TO 9S BECAUSE HE SAID HE WANTED TO SEE HER NO MATTER WHAT, NO MATTER THE COST?

NO?

YOU’RE WELCOME S O BS

leviamusesinpurgatory‌:

Had someone told Black that one day he would be so out of it that a verbal argument could break out between him and No. 4, he never would have believed them. He was no saint, he would never attempt to paint himself as one, but he had thought himself better than this. Better than turning on his most trusted member.

Black listened. He listened, he even felt that silence–that inhale–to his core, and all he heard was what he had assumed: There were things unsaid between the two of them that he wanted to have out in the open. No, he needed them. He needed No. 4 to be honest with him.

If nothing would make the Gunner understand the sentiment, then he at least wanted to make his intentions as known as possible.

Silence filled every crevice of the room. In his own inaction he felt ever missed opportunity he had failed to take. It was always in those silences, with a companion before him, that he became so acutely of who he was missing. When he used to be able to stand the lack of conversation between himself and No. 4, now he found uncertainty. Were she here… every moment would feel like they were still connected, even without words passing between them.

“You were in love with A20.”

Hesitance had left him the moment he thought of her again. Black needed and wanted to have everything out in the open, he was a man who knew honesty. He was an android mourning the loss of the one he loved. Who else could understand him but No. 4?

“Is it so wrong that I want to talk about her with someone who can understand this feeling?” When those feelings had now been classed as against the rules, when he broke them constantly, was he not allowed to ask that of his student?

“You never once attempted to impose your feelings on her, but as someone who knew exactly what those expressions meant–it would have looked awful as someone who loves her too to have not caught the meaning.”

Do you blame me? Had I not stood frozen, had I not been so focused on hearing her voice, would I have thought to go down there myself instead of barking orders? Was it a detriment of my years, my memories, of training others, or simply because I am that sort of man, that I never considered that?

Would you have gone right down there, and saved her?

Would you have hated me had I come back, told you she was dead, and you knew I hadn’t done the upmost to keep her with you?

“I want to hear you. Never before would you have confessed that, so do it now. Let me hear how you feel, not think.”

“Instructor.”

The warning in his voice was palpable, but the both of them know it’s moot by this point. There were several components that spared Black from No. 4′s ire, and one of them was the sheer magnitude of respect that the Gunner held towards his Instructor. Anyone would have noticed by now if they watched closely, how they shared mannerisms, how there was never a moment that the male unit questioned his mentor. That respect stayed his currently trembling, clenched fist, forced to remain at his side.

If it had been any other, he would have punched them across the face with every intent to break something.

You were in love with A20.

It felt cruel to bring her up, a knife in his heart to be reminded of someone he was never meant to have. He’d known it the moment he had seen her expression light up, when their conversation had come to a halt with a call of “Instructor!” that was filled with poorly masked excitement. For all that the female Attacker attempted in maintaining a cool demeanor, she was terrible at hiding how she felt towards Black. She might as well have walked around with a flashing neon sign from when humans still inhabited Earth that openly proclaimed her adoration for him.

You treasured her as much as she treasured you. I knew from just one look that there wasn’t ever going to be a place for me.

The mere thought made his chest ache with longing, with the envy he’d suppressed so fiercely, with the desire that she might one day look at him with that much love. He knew how much his mentor treasured her in turn, he was hardly any better at hiding his mutual affection. How many times had he seen them just looking at each other so tenderly that he had to force himself to hasten his pace as he strode through the halls of the Bunker?

Too many times to count on his hands. Too painful to truly make the effort to remember.

With their enhanced senses as androids, it wouldn’t be difficult to hear the sound produced from how tightly No. 4 clenched his fists. To be honest, he wondered if the other heard how his teeth were clenched, how his jaw had tightened, or knew how his throat had closed up in that secret he’d kept buried being brought up so calmly and plainly. Hell, he hadn’t even ever shared this much with No. 3, and for as much as they argue--The man was his best friend.

“--What do you even want me to say?”

He wasn’t a man who’d ever been arrogant enough to think he could be a better partner for No. 20, he’d been satisfied (Or so he told himself.) simply seeing the two of the people who mattered most to him in the world happily walking side by side. The Gunner’s jaw locked into place, before he found himself getting just as heated as he normally did when his emotions that had now become forbidden slipped into his raising voice. Of all the things to bring to the surface, it had to be this, it had to be this of all things when they can’t even seek out her Black Box.

Hopefully No. 3 was out of earshot by now, he thinks in the very back of his thoughts as his gloved nails dig into the palms of his hands.

“You know how I felt then, why make me say it. Why make me bring up something I was never supposed to feel, she had you!”

                  you were so pure before they  

                       d r a g g e d   you through the flames

                               now, you’re all charred remains 

                                       and  s h a t t e r e d  bones

                                     choking on ashes and smoke

                                          begging for the fire back

leviamusesinpurgatory‌:

“Understand, or end the conversation.”

There was more emotion in his tone, far more than he should have held, and every syllable sounded angry–upset. Black wasn’t a man who hid. His feelings were far more in the open than No. 4′s were, and that wouldn’t change. Once they spoke here, his would still be the main topic of conversation.

Black stared up at the Gunner as immense pride swirled in his chest, combating the melancholy and sadness that had made his entire being their home. No. 4 would always be the one to see, the Instructor knew that nothing escaped him.

Even now, what No. 4 saw before him couldn’t remain unchecked. He couldn’t allow the android who was meant to teach them be in this out of sorts state forever. 

It was because he knew that, how bad this must have been for the ex-Attacker to actually speak with him about it, that Black refused to allow the subject of No. 4′s feelings be left alone. For them to fester, to swim in his chest without ever knowing the light of day.

However selfish that may sound, he didn’t want that for his student. For someone he saw as family.

“You came to talk about how I am. To do that, I need you to be honest with me, No. 4.”

Their positions blatantly gave the Gunner power. He was taller like this, the longer Black remained sitting No. 4 would have a latent sense of control. At least that was the theory from books. Black’s body stalled. It felt like a motion was skipped, a moment in his memory lost. Books would always have him think of her, it just happened to be that the conversation they had that lead to their confessions had been instigated by her. For her. She had made a comment on him looking up old texts to justify what she was going through.

While he had these memories he still found himself looking for older books, just for that.

“We have things we’ve left unspoken.”

At that, the Gunner’s jaw locks a little more. Of all things, the Instructor’s angry with him, and for what reason? To address his own feelings, which were hardly relevant at this point in time? This situation wasn’t about him, and seldom were there any circumstances that involved addressing him or what he thought and felt. He bites back the urge to click his tongue again, out of respect for the man seated in front of him.

I’m not the one with regrets here, you are.

He bites the words down, it isn’t fair to throw such harsh words at Black when he’s already so blatantly raw.

“Understand and be honest about what, Instructor. This isn’t about me, it’s about you being so out of it that you didn’t notice that lessons ended.”

No. 4′s voice was flat as ever, and as per usual he remained curt. Someone had to maintain a sense of normalcy here, and if Black wasn’t up to the task: It fell to him as one of the eldest in the M Unit. If No. 3 had noticed the Instructor’s state, he can’t imagine how unfocused and uneasy that he would have become, had he not taken charge of drills today. 

If No. 20 were here, she would have smacked him and chastised him for being caught off-guard--

--Damn it, he shouldn’t have thought about her. It caused a momentary delay in his thought process to let his mind wander and center itself in her memory. At that, he inhaled and once again refrained from clenching his hands into fists. Shoulders squared, the male unit turned his gaze back onto his mentor without much of a second thought. He won’t fold his arms, that would imply he was guarded, that he had something to hide.

There’s nothing I have to discuss because there was never any room for me to begin with.

“What we’re discussing concerns you and you alone, not me.”

Who do you think you’re pointing those guns at?!