Leviamusesinpurgatory: Black - Tumblr Posts
leviamusesinpurgatory:
Banned. Refused. Absolutely denied.
That’s so mean! Oh, is that what you’re into, Instructor? He likes it. Would you call this neglect play or verbal abuse?
leviamusesinpurgatory:
Was there something you needed, No. 6? If not, he’ll be on his way.
Don’t be so cold, Instructor! he’ll start to think you hate him, you know.? He just wanted to see you.
leviamusesinpurgatory:
See him? That can be done when he sets training, a mission, or during a general check in with all of you.
Come on, that isn’t enough. He can’t get time alone with you like that, he’ll have competition with the rest of the squad.
leviamusesinpurgatory:
He refuses.
Oh, is this what humans call playing ‘hard to get’? It seems a little fun. Come onnnn, Instructor! Don’t be so stingy.
@leviamusesinpurgatory
“Instructor.”
It was stern as ever, the way he says it, but he frowns behind his visor upon noticing a very crucial detail: He still hasn’t gotten the other’s attention. Lips pursing together in a thin line as the others have cleared out at his urging with a severe look that spoke volumes even if they couldn’t get a look at his eyes. After all, it was nigh impossible to be unable to know when No. 4 was glaring at you.
“Instructor. Training is over.”
The Gunner’s arms are at his sides, as per his usual posture, back straight as he looked at his fellow android who was still seated and very much still stuck in his thoughts, though he hoped that he’d now managed to tug him out of them.
leviamusesinpurgatory:
It was all far away. Too much so. It had been a mistake to allow his mind to wander. Truthfully it had been so gradual that he had no way of noticing once he was in too deep. He had sat and watched them, his downfall had been unconsciously accepting that these were drills they could do without him.
The odds had been stacked against him. Even as No. 4 spoke to him, it had taken a moment for the words to pull him from his thoughts.
As if seeing for the first time, the Instructor exhaled lowly and looked up at his student after a brief second spent accepting that his unit had long since left. No. 4′s doing, no doubt.
“You took over, No. 4?” There was no accusing him, no berating, Black genuinely wanted to find out how much he owed his oldest student. “My bad. I should have focused.”
Saying that, Black didn’t stand. He had no ideas of being able to just walk out of this room without a comment from No. 4. The older Android waited. If 4 had something to say, there was nothing holding him back.
To see the Instructor in such a state had been concerning to say the least, when he’d always been so ironclad in his self-control and devoted to his work. The instant he had seen the android lose his focus, to space out during drills of all things--No. 4 had known to step up and bark out orders to give the others direction. It was an unspoken thing, really, that he take charge whenever their mentor was either not present or simply unable to perform one way or another.
This happened to be one of those times.
Nodding once in affirmation after hearing that query, after seeing him exhale audibly--The Gunner grew silent, debating pushing or not. While he certainly felt worry, it also wasn’t his place to question his superiors, but....
“....Instructor, this isn’t like you,” he comments finally, shifting his weight to one leg and fixing his gaze on the other. “--You’ve been acting this way ever since the Descent.”
leviamusesinpurgatory:
Those small shifts, the way No. 4 remained present beyond the time allotted to training, all these things screamed that the Gunner had something on his mind. Words he needed to say, a conversation he felt should occur. Black knew, despite their closeness, that he remained the pillar. When he was thrown off, it caused a sense of unease. One thing he could be proud of, among many things, was how his Unit wouldn’t take advantage of his momentary lapse. All aside one, he imagined that seeing their Instructor stand there with his focus elsewhere only made them question what was going on.
Maybe, like No. 4, they had taken note of how and when he begun to find his mind wandering from the present to the past. To a future that could have been.
“I have.” There was no denying it, the very strength that his tone embodied refused to allow even the slightest sense of hesitation from the man who spoke, “This shouldn’t have been something that you, or the others, saw. No matter my feelings.”
His thought stopped there, however well masked, he had more to share. No matter his feelings, how he lost someone dear, the war would not stop for him. He needed to be in the moment, to help the M Unit in ways he knew how.
“That isn’t all you want to say to me, is it, No. 4?”
“It happens to the best of us, Instructor. Thankfully, we haven’t been deployed into the field yet.”
Close as the M Unit is, No. 4 can’t help hesitating, wondering if what he wanted to say would be crossing the line. Regardless of what concern he felt, what went on in the Instructor’s personal life was hardly any of his business, and not his place to pry into. On the other hand, well....If the other was so distracted by whatever it was going on, what thoughts might have been running wild in his mind--Surely it was something worth addressing.
That was what he told himself, that this was entirely impersonal and not simply a result of curiosity or what he himself felt.
“....Instructor, is it about the female Attacker you spoke with often?”
The words are blurted out by the Gunner before he can truly have time to think it through, and nigh immediately, though he masks it--He feels a wave of regret. It certainly wasn’t the worst way to ask, but it was hardly the most tactful either. No doubt that even No. 21 would have berated him, had he heard what he had just said.
leviamusesinpurgatory:
Excuses, it all felt like excuses.
It shouldn’t happen to him. Black had been fighting against White and her demands for as long as he had his unit, and yet he couldn’t hide this from them. They could see it his hesitance and it was blatant enough that no one batted an eye when No. 4 had taken charge. He was a man who could hide struggle from his team, but not despair.
It was excuses. That was all those words would ever be. He should have been better, in every instance.
The female Attacker. Black glanced up to study No. 4′s face; he had wanted to counter, but not in the way that was expected.
Don’t talk about her like that, as if you don’t know her at all. The Instructor inhaled, he was almost certain this would all come out. Everything that had been left unsaid between the two androids in this room would be laid bare.
“If I had spoken to her sooner, maybe she would have listened to a direct order.” Though he scoffed as the words connected with the truth of the situation, “For someone so stalwart, she disobeys orders often.”
Black stopped himself. Realisation crept up his back, threatening to take over his vision. Living like that was bad. He needed to redact that, fix what he said. It was with those thoughts that he steeled himself and set his gaze pointedly on No. 4 as he corrected his statement:
“–Disobeyed.”
It wasn’t as if the Instructor of the M Unit had been the only one lost in thought after the Pearl Harbor Descent assignment, he had no room to judge him, superior or not.
The Bunker felt oddly empty despite the YoRHa units clearly inhabiting it, and he’s well-aware of the reason behind it, though he would deny it to his dying breath. No. 4 wasn’t exempt from his attention drifting away from assignment, he was simply better than the man before him at hiding it, in this point in time. It was only further proof of just how badly the recent course of events had shaken the Instructor.
Tch.
He refrains from making a sound as gray eyes bore into the pair hidden behind his visor. How distant he had made his description of the female unit he referred to had instantly gotten the Instructor’s attention, and while not entirely unsurprised--It was still unnerving to be on the receiving end of the elder android’s stare.
“.....She was stubborn, worse than No. 3.”
The reminder cut deep, the knowledge that he was never going to hear that voice inevitably going back and forth with his partner Attacker No. 3, nor would he sit in comfortable silence with that voice’s source once they were alone. Frustratedly, the Gunner bites the inside of his mouth to prevent himself from reacting too openly.
“So it is about her.”
leviamusesinpurgatory:
“You are hot-headed, No. 4, not an idiot.”
The statement came as a cut through all else. Black didn’t want to sit and talk around the subject, there shouldn’t have been a need to with No. 4. If anyone could speak their mind, if anyone would stand before him and not falter, it should have been the Gunner before him.
“She was many things, and you know it. Knew it. If you have something to say about this, talk, No. 4.”
He didn’t appreciate his student starting this, then acting as if he didn’t know what they were meant to talk about. So it is about her, he pries, having previously stated it was. It irked him, more than it should, but if he wanted this conversation to happen–
This wasn’t the right way to act. He felt like a child.
“Do you have something to say, No. 4?”
There was a softness to his voice that he never thought he would share with others. A softness that only came out with the android in question, that had only come out with her. Now he just felt weak, awake, and in dire need of something he will never come to know again. Had he ever looked this broken in front of her, how would she have reacted?
“You knew it was, and you’ve come to talk to me.” There was silence, something he wanted to say, “You’ve kept something to yourself.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Maybe he shouldn’t have said anything after all. The moment he’d opened his mouth to confront Black about this matter had been the moment that he knew it would soon be his turn to speak up. Like clockwork, the attention is soon turned upon the Gunner.
“....Instructor. If you’re trying to imply something between me and her, we were just comrades. Maybe friends at most.”
No.
The only thing that the feelings he bore towards No. 3 and No. 20 shared was the fact that he had taken a step back for both of their sakes. For as much as he complained and made his irritation known, he cared for No. 3, he saw him as a close friend. But what he felt for No. 20, that didn’t matter. That hadn’t mattered the moment he’d seen just how her breath caught in her throat whenever the Instructor passed by or spoke to her.
“I asked you out of concern since you’re normally more composed than this. That’s all.”
It especially hadn’t mattered when he’d seen how happy the two of them, the people most important to him, were together.
How correct his decision was to step back only seemed to solidify, seeing just how broken Black looked in the wake of the female Attacker’s departure from this world. It made No. 4′s jaw lock, and he resisted the urge to clench his fists in frustration. Orders were absolute, even hew knew that, and yet had he known what was going on at that exact point in time, if he hadn’t been so busy focusing on training....
...I would have gone to Earth’s surface in a heartbeat to help her, Commander be damned.
leviamusesinpurgatory:
“Understand, or end the conversation.”
There was more emotion in his tone, far more than he should have held, and every syllable sounded angry–upset. Black wasn’t a man who hid. His feelings were far more in the open than No. 4′s were, and that wouldn’t change. Once they spoke here, his would still be the main topic of conversation.
Black stared up at the Gunner as immense pride swirled in his chest, combating the melancholy and sadness that had made his entire being their home. No. 4 would always be the one to see, the Instructor knew that nothing escaped him.
Even now, what No. 4 saw before him couldn’t remain unchecked. He couldn’t allow the android who was meant to teach them be in this out of sorts state forever.
It was because he knew that, how bad this must have been for the ex-Attacker to actually speak with him about it, that Black refused to allow the subject of No. 4′s feelings be left alone. For them to fester, to swim in his chest without ever knowing the light of day.
However selfish that may sound, he didn’t want that for his student. For someone he saw as family.
“You came to talk about how I am. To do that, I need you to be honest with me, No. 4.”
Their positions blatantly gave the Gunner power. He was taller like this, the longer Black remained sitting No. 4 would have a latent sense of control. At least that was the theory from books. Black’s body stalled. It felt like a motion was skipped, a moment in his memory lost. Books would always have him think of her, it just happened to be that the conversation they had that lead to their confessions had been instigated by her. For her. She had made a comment on him looking up old texts to justify what she was going through.
While he had these memories he still found himself looking for older books, just for that.
“We have things we’ve left unspoken.”
At that, the Gunner’s jaw locks a little more. Of all things, the Instructor’s angry with him, and for what reason? To address his own feelings, which were hardly relevant at this point in time? This situation wasn’t about him, and seldom were there any circumstances that involved addressing him or what he thought and felt. He bites back the urge to click his tongue again, out of respect for the man seated in front of him.
I’m not the one with regrets here, you are.
He bites the words down, it isn’t fair to throw such harsh words at Black when he’s already so blatantly raw.
“Understand and be honest about what, Instructor. This isn’t about me, it’s about you being so out of it that you didn’t notice that lessons ended.”
No. 4′s voice was flat as ever, and as per usual he remained curt. Someone had to maintain a sense of normalcy here, and if Black wasn’t up to the task: It fell to him as one of the eldest in the M Unit. If No. 3 had noticed the Instructor’s state, he can’t imagine how unfocused and uneasy that he would have become, had he not taken charge of drills today.
If No. 20 were here, she would have smacked him and chastised him for being caught off-guard--
--Damn it, he shouldn’t have thought about her. It caused a momentary delay in his thought process to let his mind wander and center itself in her memory. At that, he inhaled and once again refrained from clenching his hands into fists. Shoulders squared, the male unit turned his gaze back onto his mentor without much of a second thought. He won’t fold his arms, that would imply he was guarded, that he had something to hide.
There’s nothing I have to discuss because there was never any room for me to begin with.
“What we’re discussing concerns you and you alone, not me.”
leviamusesinpurgatory:
Had someone told Black that one day he would be so out of it that a verbal argument could break out between him and No. 4, he never would have believed them. He was no saint, he would never attempt to paint himself as one, but he had thought himself better than this. Better than turning on his most trusted member.
Black listened. He listened, he even felt that silence–that inhale–to his core, and all he heard was what he had assumed: There were things unsaid between the two of them that he wanted to have out in the open. No, he needed them. He needed No. 4 to be honest with him.
If nothing would make the Gunner understand the sentiment, then he at least wanted to make his intentions as known as possible.
Silence filled every crevice of the room. In his own inaction he felt ever missed opportunity he had failed to take. It was always in those silences, with a companion before him, that he became so acutely of who he was missing. When he used to be able to stand the lack of conversation between himself and No. 4, now he found uncertainty. Were she here… every moment would feel like they were still connected, even without words passing between them.
“You were in love with A20.”
Hesitance had left him the moment he thought of her again. Black needed and wanted to have everything out in the open, he was a man who knew honesty. He was an android mourning the loss of the one he loved. Who else could understand him but No. 4?
“Is it so wrong that I want to talk about her with someone who can understand this feeling?” When those feelings had now been classed as against the rules, when he broke them constantly, was he not allowed to ask that of his student?
“You never once attempted to impose your feelings on her, but as someone who knew exactly what those expressions meant–it would have looked awful as someone who loves her too to have not caught the meaning.”
Do you blame me? Had I not stood frozen, had I not been so focused on hearing her voice, would I have thought to go down there myself instead of barking orders? Was it a detriment of my years, my memories, of training others, or simply because I am that sort of man, that I never considered that?
Would you have gone right down there, and saved her?
Would you have hated me had I come back, told you she was dead, and you knew I hadn’t done the upmost to keep her with you?
“I want to hear you. Never before would you have confessed that, so do it now. Let me hear how you feel, not think.”
“Instructor.”
The warning in his voice was palpable, but the both of them know it’s moot by this point. There were several components that spared Black from No. 4′s ire, and one of them was the sheer magnitude of respect that the Gunner held towards his Instructor. Anyone would have noticed by now if they watched closely, how they shared mannerisms, how there was never a moment that the male unit questioned his mentor. That respect stayed his currently trembling, clenched fist, forced to remain at his side.
If it had been any other, he would have punched them across the face with every intent to break something.
You were in love with A20.
It felt cruel to bring her up, a knife in his heart to be reminded of someone he was never meant to have. He’d known it the moment he had seen her expression light up, when their conversation had come to a halt with a call of “Instructor!” that was filled with poorly masked excitement. For all that the female Attacker attempted in maintaining a cool demeanor, she was terrible at hiding how she felt towards Black. She might as well have walked around with a flashing neon sign from when humans still inhabited Earth that openly proclaimed her adoration for him.
You treasured her as much as she treasured you. I knew from just one look that there wasn’t ever going to be a place for me.
The mere thought made his chest ache with longing, with the envy he’d suppressed so fiercely, with the desire that she might one day look at him with that much love. He knew how much his mentor treasured her in turn, he was hardly any better at hiding his mutual affection. How many times had he seen them just looking at each other so tenderly that he had to force himself to hasten his pace as he strode through the halls of the Bunker?
Too many times to count on his hands. Too painful to truly make the effort to remember.
With their enhanced senses as androids, it wouldn’t be difficult to hear the sound produced from how tightly No. 4 clenched his fists. To be honest, he wondered if the other heard how his teeth were clenched, how his jaw had tightened, or knew how his throat had closed up in that secret he’d kept buried being brought up so calmly and plainly. Hell, he hadn’t even ever shared this much with No. 3, and for as much as they argue--The man was his best friend.
“--What do you even want me to say?”
He wasn’t a man who’d ever been arrogant enough to think he could be a better partner for No. 20, he’d been satisfied (Or so he told himself.) simply seeing the two of the people who mattered most to him in the world happily walking side by side. The Gunner’s jaw locked into place, before he found himself getting just as heated as he normally did when his emotions that had now become forbidden slipped into his raising voice. Of all the things to bring to the surface, it had to be this, it had to be this of all things when they can’t even seek out her Black Box.
Hopefully No. 3 was out of earshot by now, he thinks in the very back of his thoughts as his gloved nails dig into the palms of his hands.
“You know how I felt then, why make me say it. Why make me bring up something I was never supposed to feel, she had you!”