Steps

Steps

I’m not reasonable anymore maybe because I feel I have no reasons to stay alive I make all of my decisions in a trance like state and they suddenly become mistakes I hurry things and I want them fast I go about things with the speed of light And I feel like they somehow blind me My head is messy and I lost any rational thinking I’m not able to see things the way they are I’m wearing a…

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thoughts from when I ran away

It’s too much. The walls that are not there I feel they are closing in. The air is not there anymore. I can’t breathe and I have to find a way out. Actually, I don’t want to go out and that’s the problem. Being out for too long makes my body ache and my bones shake and my heart throb. I get dizzy and annoyed and I want to go home to throw up. I hate moving to another place. I hate switching car seats, I hate seeing the landscape move and I dread long distance trips. I want to go back home.

Model to my mother

Model to my father

Model to the daughter

Never seen

Never been

Only extractions

Of behaviors

Daddy’s laugh

Mommy’s dieting

Daddy’s depression

And mommy’s pain

Picture perfect happy house

Never ever wish to leave it

Cause they say that’s where the love is

Love comes in different forms

Yelling and shouting

Or maybe it comes by drinking

Mixing

Pouring down my stupid face

Liquor I wish to ingest

Mommy this I learned from you

All these years I see you too

How you mix and splash the drinks

Near the toilet or the kitchen sink

Model to my grandma

Murderer of hope

Killer of happiness

Destroyer

Burglar

Thief

My throat got sore

From these past days

It’s sore and my teeth are weird

A weird sensation to it

My head is pounding bad

Nights come with a surprise

Maybe there’s a devil under my bed

Or in my bed

Sometimes I forget

listening to Siouxsie and the Banshees when it’s snowing it’s something else

Little angels drown in alcohol

The garden of Eden has lost its color

Everything is black and white on this earth apparently

And we even judge people by it

All the demons came to light

Shiny teeth that bite hard

Muscle in their arms so they can hold you tight

And uniforms that gives them a right and position

To oppress their peers

And chain them with no cause

Because that’s what we become

Politics over humanity

Capitalism over quality

Walking as a woman is dangerous

Because a man might get hurt by my rejection

And put his mind to action

It’s a scary world when you don’t feel you belong

Holding my girlfriend’s hand is scandalous

We’re suddenly obnoxious

Vile, vulgar and odious.

“Transforming little kids into homosexuals”

Shout the homophobes

When men see us the prey is double

Cause what’s more hot

Than two girls fucking each other

Gross old men looking for little kids

Calling them inviting just because their little skirt is flowing

Seeing them seductive and cuddly

Where’s the life penalty?

Men want their women all body magazines

But when they see a little meat on the bone they get scared of it

Because the problem is not the fat

Is emasculation, their dicks smaller like that

Thin is in until the body gives in

And on the cover of the magazine

Won’t be a picture perfect

But a nice obituary

Mother crying for her daughter

That she pushed into the headlights

Now she’s praying for her soul

In the mansion that she now owns

Little girls grew up with diets

Cola zero and cigarettes

Looking out for calories

And prescription pills

Little boys grew up with toy guns

And they fought each other in the playground

Now older boys play with guns

And they fight until they’ve reached the graveyard

Prayer after prayer every mother is grieving

For their loss

But who in the world gives a fuck

When in school they still have guns

Depressed little kid drawing his perfect life on paper

Father absent and mother alcoholic

Who is there for little Timmy

Life has learned him a new trick

When life comes as hard as it is

Get yourself a bag of chips

And some cola and some cookies

Because there you will find love

And when the kids at school will laugh

Only you would know that you’re loved unconditionally

By the thing that makes you sick

And bound

Or when little Angie cries to sleep

She learned that on an empty stomach

Feelings don’t matter anymore

Cause she’s like a rock

Her soul I mean, because her body is like a feather waiting for the wind to blow her into oblivion.

Johnny just shaved his beard and is wearing makeup now, he wants to be a woman and call her Jenny now

Betty from the grocery shop doesn’t have boobs anymore and she shaved her hair, she prefers to be called “he”

But the people will ask her if she’s sick and she will say no, I’m a man

Then the people look at her in a way like they wished she was actually sick

Because this world we live in

Being who you are is a sin.