Model To My Mother

Model to my mother

Model to my father

Model to the daughter

Never seen

Never been

Only extractions

Of behaviors

Daddy’s laugh

Mommy’s dieting

Daddy’s depression

And mommy’s pain

Picture perfect happy house

Never ever wish to leave it

Cause they say that’s where the love is

Love comes in different forms

Yelling and shouting

Or maybe it comes by drinking

Mixing

Pouring down my stupid face

Liquor I wish to ingest

Mommy this I learned from you

All these years I see you too

How you mix and splash the drinks

Near the toilet or the kitchen sink

Model to my grandma

Murderer of hope

Killer of happiness

Destroyer

Burglar

Thief

My throat got sore

From these past days

It’s sore and my teeth are weird

A weird sensation to it

My head is pounding bad

Nights come with a surprise

Maybe there’s a devil under my bed

Or in my bed

Sometimes I forget

Nicole was such a bitch to me

Told me to never write poetry

She was annoying and mean

Told me being gay was a sin

That god will punish me enough

To get my shit straight

That was never the case

God never listened but Nicole obeyed

She was preaching this and that and thought she was a martyr

She had them all around their fingers like melted wax

She was all pose but never vogue

She was so stiff it made your hard cold

She had a tongue just like a serpent

And eyes so dark, even the demons would fear her

She would tell you that you’re stupid and you’ll never do anything right

Then she’ll kiss you, lick your wounds and bless your sweet heart

She had sharp nails

And thought she femme fatale

The only fatal thing that happened was ending the ongoing war

She herself is made of stone

And her brains are sometimes melting

Dripping through her fucking jaw

In the summer she is celebrating the only day she cares about

But she’s evil and she’s nasty

And she’ll bite your fucking tongue

Make you silent

Make you witness

To your own abuse

Then she’ll turn around to others to see how much they’re amused

In the ashes of past times

I find myself wondering

Of the present that will past

And if the times that come will last

I don’t believe anything anymore

I’m questioning my integrity

And my intelligence

The body I have that I hate

The mind I own that I can’t control

The loud pounding in my head

The heart beating fast in moments I’ll regret

I do what is pleasingly best for me

But I don’t enjoy it

I need to return it to the seller

This life

I mean it’s mean

It feels like bricks in my mouth

Like feathers in my throat

I’m gagging every time I speak

Can’t find the right words

Spitting them out

I’m a work in process

Or my process is done already and this is what I’ll finally be

I’m disappointed

I’m not getting the picture

I’m not seeing the paintings

I don’t feel the movies

I can’t find the one

I can’t remember what I want

I find it hard to talk it out

My mind always fucks me up

I’m done with this feeling

My arms hurt from the weight

My belly hurts from forgetting to eat

My legs too big for that dress

My spine too inclined I feel like slipping

Out of my body and into the dirty pavement

Break my bones

Break my neck

Forget I ever was myself

This disgusting thing

This disgusting being

This beast

Of a good child

That was once unprotected

Neglected

Forgotten

The return of the woman child

I wrote about her a lot

She looks like a woman, kind of, cause she’s very distorted

She is a child, her soul is too big and she’s very fragile

She is a woman all right cause that’s what is says on the door when she goes back into the bathroom

She is a child cause she forgets to take care of herself

She is a woman cause all the disgusting men say that

She is a child, she wants to be a child, she wants the body of a child but

She is a woman, cause it says on her birth certificate

She is a woman cause she is disrespected

She is a woman cause she doesn’t get a job easily

She is a woman cause she has to earn her body

She is a child cause she doesn’t want a body

She is a child cause she likes to play but the woman in her runs and hides away

She is a woman cause her hair is long

She is a woman cause her thighs create disturbing scenes in the heads of men

She is a woman cause she lacks control

She is a woman cause she doesn’t know

All the things they talk about her

She is a child cause the kids all ran away from her and she’s quiet and she’s raging

And the woman tries to save her

To preserve her spirit

Both of them will die

But who will win the ultimate fight

Be the woman or the child ?

tom friedman, “untitled,” 1996, chromogenic print

Drinking was all the rage back then

Now things have clearly changed

They say starving works better

Cause it makes you feel prettier

They didn’t tell you about the fact

That the brain has lost its focus

And it does things to your body

Wanting to become nobody

Heart is feeling out of order

Not even love can put it back together

And your body wants some more

But less is better so I hear

And you must know that’s better to surrender

Cause the voice will eventually get quieter

It kills to know that you need food

But it kills more to put in your mouth

Enemy of happiness

Soldier of death

It announces itself by intrusive thoughts

Speaks loudly in your ear

That you’re shit and that you’re big

That those clothes won’t fit no more

If you put that fork anywhere near your mouth

And you are wide

But not awake

But those shoulders got so big they have a voice of their own

The problem is with those legs

Not that they hurt when you walk

Or that they tremble

But that they’re gross to look at

The recipe for disaster is to get yourself some pills

And laxatives

Cause they promote some thinness, so I hear

It tells me to stop when I’m not even full

And it begs me to walk until I feel like I’m going to pass out

Living with numbers for food

I’ve been handed the math expert diploma

Cause I’ve added and I’ve multiplied

And the answer doesn’t seem that right

So these idiots must be wrong

Cause when a small number equals so much

Fake the number

Fake the face of happiness

Cause in your head you know you will get there

With a little bit of patience

And be ruled by the voice of death.

Passion

I love cuts and carry knives I love guts and feelings crushed I like blood that drips hot I love pain, he loves me not Find religion,get a purpose Find a God to pray your brains out Find a lover to accept And search him better so there’s no regrets When you cross the street look both ways And make sure you get home safe.

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