D34thg0d - D34thG0d

Sometimes I sit at my computer and dress up, I put on the webcam to nobody and pretend I'm streaming or talking to people I admire and I'm part of the group and people care about what I say.

I just do that and work on something until it dawns on me what I'm doing and I feel more pathetic than ever.

I could reach out and actually join a voice call but I never do, I can't do it, I'm just so desperate to be able to connect maybe.

I hate myself.

I feel insane.

I don't know how to feel

It scares me

I try to feel by doing anything

So many choices and I feel absence in every action

Food it feels empty

It never used to

It was always there for me

Something is deeply broken

I keep eating and eating

As if at some point I will feel again

I'm full and in pain, I pick something else to try

I'm afraid that this is it, that it's too late

But I can't accept that, if I do everything ends

And so I keep eating

Keep trying

Keep feeling nothing