D34thg0d - D34thG0d - Tumblr Blog

I went to socialize in person, I watched how other people act and are

I couldn't relate, I felt like I was having an out of body experience, my body was physically shaking and I couldn't speak.....I couldn't speak to friends, I had nothing to say

I don't understand

Why am I so broken

Im prefacing this with the fact I'd never hurt anyone, in fact I've never actually hit a person in my whole life ok~

But I think the reason I'm drawn to crime and murder as a whole is just the fact these people are able to do something without remorse, it's the ultimate rebellion right.

You have myself on the other side who is unable to speak a single word out of fear of bothering someone, I've never felt ok to sing my favorite song out loud, I live my life silent, unmoving and with everyone else before me

I want to know what it feels like to just not care about others, not to that level obviously but it must be so freeing

I am in therapy

My therapy talked to me for a total of 6 minutes last time, they set me a task of journaling my days, that was it.

I haven't done it, why would I? It's just going to say the same thing

"I lost track of time and I dreamed I was dead*

I was given special markers for being possibly a risk and yet they are only willing to give me 6 minutes of their time.

What a failure of a system

I wasted my whole life and I wasted it thinking I was special, I had an ego but now the world has chewed me up and spat me out and it turns out I am nothing

All of this medication I've shoved down my throat has been for the benefit of others~

"you're so aggressive"

"I'm sick of your mood swings"

"maybe you need to go on medication"

Well I did and now it's altered me past the point of return, but at least you were happy

Sometimes I sit at my computer and dress up, I put on the webcam to nobody and pretend I'm streaming or talking to people I admire and I'm part of the group and people care about what I say.

I just do that and work on something until it dawns on me what I'm doing and I feel more pathetic than ever.

I could reach out and actually join a voice call but I never do, I can't do it, I'm just so desperate to be able to connect maybe.

I hate myself.

I feel insane.

Not even sure I like my friends I can't tell I don't know what's real. I get angry at them because them being there doesn't make me happy and that's probably my fault for being the way I am

Get the worst news and only think of myself and how I don't feel anything about it like it didn't even happen. I'm just here whining about how boring my existence is?

drained of blood, the heart is white

I don't know how to feel

It scares me

I try to feel by doing anything

So many choices and I feel absence in every action

Food it feels empty

It never used to

It was always there for me

Something is deeply broken

I keep eating and eating

As if at some point I will feel again

I'm full and in pain, I pick something else to try

I'm afraid that this is it, that it's too late

But I can't accept that, if I do everything ends

And so I keep eating

Keep trying

Keep feeling nothing

Do you remember what it was like to feel hope? How warm that joy of the future felt? Or have you like me, forgotten? In place of it is only a cold emptiness you can never escape.

Flight of the Bat

Miura Etsuko