Idk How Else To Phrase This But I Think It's Progressive For Me To Hate Myself Now That I'm A Trans Man?

Idk how else to phrase this but I think it's progressive for me to hate myself now that I'm a trans man? Like before if I was self depreciating, it was met with comfort but now when I hate myself it's cheered on, even by other trans people. I have a hard time talking about this cause since I've been on T I think my depression has gotten worse but I'm afraid to talk about it cause of terfs and what not. I want to not regret going on T cause I worked hard to get to this point but it's difficult

A lot of things are different, socially, once people start perceiving us as men- and I think it’s hard to talk about a lot of them.

I’ve definitely noticed that compliments in my direction are less and less frequent, and less enthusiastic than they were before. When I make jokes about absurd violence, there’s more discomfort and disapproval than there was when I was perceived as more feminine- as if my gender presentation alone is a reason to trust me less. The sound of my voice definitely makes people more likely to perceive excited explanations (or even just... longer bits of talking) as “mansplaining” or just asshole behavior than before it dropped.

Where I’ve been encouraged to take up space pre-transition (it’s empowering! it’s feminist!) my anxiety and hyper-awareness of how much room I occupy both physically and socially now feels justified; even actively encouraged.

It’s something we don’t talk about as often, but the experience is genuinely damaging in a lot of ways. Many of us grow up internalizing the idea that we need to make ourselves small and subservient, and feminism tells us, no! Be strong! Take up space! Be confident! A lot of us find strength & self-love in that, and personally, it’s part of what helped me get to a place where I could even begin to examine my gender at all.

And then we transition, and those of us who found solace and strength and confidence in feminism- who built up our understanding of the world from it, who’s social networks are inherently rooted in it- now find ourselves once again internalizing the idea that we need to be small, that any amount of self-love is unearned and damaging, that expressing confidence hurts women, that existing as ourselves is just inherently dangerous and cruel.

And that’s before we factor in the messages we’ve internalized from transphobia.

I think a lot of folks are uncomfortable with the idea that these ideas not only hurt marginalized men, but that they hurt us in ways that oppressive systems in society are already hurting us. That for the people who hear these messages the loudest, they are also the most cruel and damaging- and even deadly.

I just hope you know you’re not alone, and you’re not the only one who wants this to stop. I hope you can talk to your friends about your needs, and maybe they’ll be good friends, and they’ll continue to help you build self-confidence and self-love! You deserve positive supports in your life, and it sucks that you have to fight harder for that now than you did before.