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We! Rate! Eunuchs!

Sure, we all love eunuchs. But have you ever found yourself with an emptiness in your heart because you were unable to objectively measure your eunuchs? Well, now you can! Thanks to our handy Eunuch Measuring Scale, you can visualize your eunuchs and even see how they stack up against other eunuchs. Enjoy this handy demonstration of how it works!

The Sleuth of the Ming Dynasty

Sleuth's eunuchs are absolutely unmatched in the complexity and fuckability departments, and also get full schemesy marks. Their style is sharp but not particularly varied, and while they do call on their beloved emperor, they don't particularly get a good solid holler going about it. Still, Sleuth's little meow meow eunuchs are high-quality, top-of-the-line eunuchs, practically the industry standard.

The Blood of Youth

Imagine -- eunuchs that not only have stunning outfits of their own, but that coordinate with their coworkers! Hats with architecture that defies logic! It's the style score that makes the Blood of Youth's eunuchs truly stand out. While they are admittedly less fully realized than their Sleuth counterparts, one must chalk this slight deficiency up to how difficult it is to get any screen time in a show with eight billion other characters. They're still full of schemesy goodness, though, leaving you always wanting more.

Nirvana in Fire

Nirvana in Fire presents a special eunuch challenge, as there's only really one eunuch to speak of: Gao Zhan, the emperor's loyal attendant. While his primary function in the show is to feign ignorance so he doesn't get into trouble, he can fretfully wail for his head of state like none other. It's tough to singlehandedly bear the responsibility of all eunuch represenation in a property, but Gao Zhan performs admirably in all areas an emperor could desire.

Story of Yanxi Palace

In contrast to Nirvana in Fire, Yanxi Palace has a substantial number of eunuchs, and every one of them is absolutely plotting something at all times. While the sex appeal of these identically dressed eunuchs is on average low, Yuan Chunwang brings the fuckable score up single-handedly by being the rare canonically fuckable eunuch. Note that the Yanxi Palace eunuchs lose a few points on a technicality: By the time they're around, the emperor is a huángshàng, not a bìxià, and it's much more difficult to get a good mournful cry going when you can't exploit the natural trajectory of two falling tones in a row.

Sleep better at night knowing you can now objectively measure your eunuchs along these six important axes! I know I will!

Eunuch Measuring Scale: because dudes gotta measure something

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