So! I Have Made It, But It Is As Barren As Can Be.

So! i have made it, but it is as barren as can be.

i've named it St Judes, but i can't quite think of how to set up the chats yet, anyone have ideas? i'm edging toward making the server like we are at St Judes, the introduction channel is the admission or something

We need a tota group chat where we all just talk about tota and rave about it together, I kinda wanna make one but idk if anyone would actually want to do that

I’ve added more… instead of listing them all by hand I’ll just send screenshots.

I haven’t checked if all of them work just yet, nor have I organised them, but I just spent all day at an arcade so I can learn to drive, and I am tired, so I’m off to read some fanfic and cry even more if I can

I’ve made a good omens playlist for crying, it consists of:

- a violin cover of Arcade

- Two by Sleeping at Last

- Can’t help falling in love by Haley reinheart

- CMWYL by Lovejoy

- Somewhere out there from Community

- Final and Good For You from Dear Evan Hansen

- the good omens opening title, because of course

- Somebody To Love, Good-old fashioned Lover-Boy, and Under Pressure by Queen

- Life on Mars? By David Bowie

- Look who’s inside again by Bo Burnham

- Lemon Boy by Cavetown

- Empty chairs at empty tables from les miserables (No I can’t spell)

- I dreamed a dream (specifically the Lucifer one with Tom Ellis)

- This House, Departures, and Beeswing by Grace Petrie

- Don’t let the sun go down on me and Sorry seems to be the hardest word from Rocketman

- Without You from RENT

- in case you don’t live forever by Ben Platt

- Why from Tick… Tick… BOOM

- A thousand years (also as a violin cover, but it doesn’t have to be)

- Scum by Lovejoy again

And finally

- Losing Face by Wilbur

I’m just gonna take a while to let this set in… (also Aziraphale being more experienced than Crowley is one of my favourite things in some fanfic. Cuz it feels like Crowley would flirt in a very outward manor in such a way that it seems like a joke sometimes, so he can a blackout excuse if Aziraphale gets uncomfortable or rejects him, but then when Aziraphale flirts back and he’s a bumbling mess, blushing like all the blood in his body decided the face was where it’s at — and it might’ve done literally that — shoving his face into the nearest leaf he can find and then panic poofing into a snake while Aziraphale just stares at this Shakespearean drama he’s caused with a single sentence)

i’m so totally normal about the fact that aziraphale’s last (known) deliberate foray into the queer community was when he learned the gavotte at the fictionalized hundred guineas club (!!!) in the 1800s and now in the 2020s he’s like “grindr? what’s that?”

many are talking about his repression which is very valid… and yet the thing to me that stands out about aziraphale is that he’s actually… incredibly stable in his identity and that identity IS incredibly queer. queer by the standards of heaven AND by human standards as well

metatron describes his “de facto partnership” with crowley as “irregular.” and in fact aziraphale in his entirety is irregular. he likes and makes it his business not only to understand but to be a connoisseur of all manner of things angels aren’t supposed to even remotely care about. food. music. books. theatre. sleight of hand. and more.

it’s the sort of behavior that would’ve gotten him othered, treated as a bit odd, in heaven even if he hadn’t chosen to consort all across the earth with a literal demon. and it IS treated that way - the fact is aziraphale even as an angel has got proclivities that set him apart from the rest of the host (even after offering him the highest position in heaven, metatron still acts deeply dismissive of him… like aziraphale’s bookshop is merely a quaint little hobby of his that can be easily transferred to another custodian, and not a literal extension of who aziraphale has become, full of his tartan and unique bibles and special vintages of wine and the books arranged in a very specific way)

so. aziraphale is a queer angel but of course he’s also queer to other humans. but in such a way that… he had his realization a LONG time ago, and put the matter very much to rest after that. aziraphale is perpetually something like several centuries behind schedule. he owns an ancient computer that probably continues to run windows 98 simply because aziraphale’s decided it should. he wears the same waistcoat and coat for generations because he simply likes them precisely the way they are and sees no reason to change them. but the idea that he doesn’t know how he comes across to others - of course he does. he knows he looks like your prim and proper grandfather and he prefers it that way

aziraphale looked around at humans in the 1880s and said: ah yes. this is where i fit. and promptly ensconced himself in that queer subculture. learned the gavotte. read his austen. loved crowley from afar. aziraphale is fiercely and vibrantly queer. just with the sort of assurance of someone who lives with his lover in a commonlaw marriage for decades and then shows up at city hall for the certificate once society decides it’s ‘allowed.’ like… he hasn’t had any need to know what grindr is because aziraphale’s ‘scene’ was a century and a half ago and it defined romance for him too.

but my favorite thing about aziraphale is how much of him is about appearances versus the truth. he can lie straight to angels’ faces and sleep at night. he knows he comes off soft but he once wielded a flaming sword. he dissembles helplessness but he’s far from it and he knows precisely how it makes others treat him. and at the core of aziraphale is rigidity, inflexibility of ideas… his sense of self is stable where crowley’s is malleable, and so on, and so on

and the fact that he’s continuously fixated on trying to misguidedly do the right thing, the fact that he seeks heavenly approval and wants to fit the world into his schema of good vs evil… in no way do i think that means he isn’t one hundred percent aware of how he feels about crowley or what it means about him by angelic or human standards. i’ve seen some folks saying that aziraphale doesn’t want to like kissing crowley and like… as much as i love me some brideshead revisited/atonement flavored angst; i put forth that it’s not internalized homophobia or queer panic but simply: “i’m trying to do the right thing for both of us and you won’t let me.” and “i wanted our first kiss to be different.” he was envisioning an entirely different flavor of romance than what he got but he emma woodhoused too close to the sun

like, y’all. aziraphale in all likelihood has a glorious collection of historical queer erotica. he just has a feathery diva coat hanging in his closet, and for what. “oh, good lord” he says at crowley’s revolutionary outfit in the bastille, while eyeing him up like an entire meal. he’s so good at affected propriety, at carefully constructed stuffiness, but between the two of them aziraphale’s got to be the one who has experience

aziraphale had been physically throwing himself at crowley the entire season. he orchestrated an entire regency ball so they could touch hand to hand. he spends the entire season (well, and season 1) looking at crowley like he’s particularly coveted. he looked at crowley before the fall like he was glorious and beautiful. aziraphale’s queer and he knows it and i think that isn’t his problem, it’s the fact that he wants to build a different sort of future for the two of them but crowley’s gone and thrown a wrench in it by reminding him of everything he can finally have. like. that’s the heartbreak. it’s how dare you make this ugly? i forgive you for our first kiss being all pain and salt. it’s my dearest, i wanted to make heaven as beautiful as you deserve. as sacred and safe for us as our bookshop. and i can do that for us, because once i held a flaming sword and i still remember how the hilt felt in my hands. and now the taste of you is in my mouth.

I’ve made a good omens playlist for crying, it consists of:

- a violin cover of Arcade

- Two by Sleeping at Last

- Can’t help falling in love by Haley reinheart

- CMWYL by Lovejoy

- Somewhere out there from Community

- Final and Good For You from Dear Evan Hansen

- the good omens opening title, because of course

- Somebody To Love, Good-old fashioned Lover-Boy, and Under Pressure by Queen

- Life on Mars? By David Bowie

- Look who’s inside again by Bo Burnham

- Lemon Boy by Cavetown

- Empty chairs at empty tables from les miserables (No I can’t spell)

- I dreamed a dream (specifically the Lucifer one with Tom Ellis)

- This House, Departures, and Beeswing by Grace Petrie

- Don’t let the sun go down on me and Sorry seems to be the hardest word from Rocketman

- Without You from RENT

- in case you don’t live forever by Ben Platt

- Why from Tick… Tick… BOOM

- A thousand years (also as a violin cover, but it doesn’t have to be)

- Scum by Lovejoy again

And finally

- Losing Face by Wilbur

I think my gender envy hates myself, all my other gender envy, the concept of a singular body, and who knows what else… have some examples of my gender envy

How am I not following you on Tumblr?? Anyway hi, it's Em from the loonie server <33

I have no idea, but HIII