The Crux / Crutch

The Crux / Crutch

The crux of conflict management is knowing that the person who is maintain a state of conflict is stuck there because they feel it’s normal.  

It’s a sad state of be in, constant conflict, as it raises everyone else anxiety, as they don’t believe that it is normal. They don’t have the same experiences as this individual has. And, as such, this individual finds that their present experience is playing out exactly as their previous experiences have.

Theory Test: If the task, is the task, is the task, do you need conflict to feel normal while doing the task?

If you don’t need to feel emotional anxiety while doing a task, and someone else does, who has an experience with this task that causes them to act out of their emotional anxiety? This is the hard part of conflict management, showing the individual with the conflict that what they think is normal, is not normal at all, and in fact, is abnormal behavior, thinking, and believing. 

People who believe that they are not getting their emotional needs met, believe that no matter what you do to meet their emotional needs you are insulting them. This becomes a negative feedback loop and self fulfilling prophecy as they are no longer looking at a positive outcome, but a negative outcome that their normal situation constantly predicts.

Their crutch

This is their crutch .. you need to play your role for their experiences to play out exactly as they expect them to happen. Doing anything else, is considered inappropriate.

Many people believe, especially in AA Groups, that you can never understand the pain of their problem.  I’m, challenge that belief. I believe that they cannot properly articulate their pain for you understand.  Otherwise, movies would be unsuccessful in getting you to empathize with a hero who struggles to overcome their internal and external conflicts to triumph over their foe. 

I, also believe, that we use the phrases, “You don’t understand”, “It’s complicated”, “It’s a long story!” to withhold information that seems embarrassing. The reason why is that people are following their teachings, cultural references about dealing with problems, previous experiences where people judged them, teased them, or took advantage of them because of the problem.

Thus there are two problems to overcome here. The first is getting the individual stuck in an anxiety ridden self fulfilling conflict to stop staying, “It’s  too embarrassing to talk about!” and moving them to describe a future that helps them get what they really wanted. (Past Tense!)

Challenging Outcomes

There are many beliefs that define their outcomes:

Cultural References

Teachings

Judgments

Previous Experiences

Normal vs Normal

Never challenge beliefs directly. A person will die for their beliefs before they will change them for you or anyone else. Instead, challenge their outcomes. It is their past experience that defines how a situation will turn out. Thus, by challenging their outcomes, you can begin to unravel that mystery that brought them to believe that this outcome is inevitable.

First, they are an expert in seeing every single data point that predicts this outcome.  They have lived it, probably 100′s of times.  Are they consciously aware of these details? And, they are probably talking about the details of their prediction without realizing it.  Take note of the phrases they use, this will be important in steering them towards a positive outcome.

For example, battered women report always falling in love for the same type of guy over and over again, and not knowing why they constantly fall into this trap. There are two problems with their relationships: 1) what traits do all the men they choose have in common with each other. 2) how often are they recreating the situation needed for them to feel normal.  Thus, while they may find a man who isn’t abusive, they may unknowingly force the man to abuse them.

Becoming Friends

Friends share experiences consistently. Did you know that?  Deep friendships are built by sharing stories, common experiences, past histories.  How many times have you read a good story that got you to identify with every problem that the hero was dealing with? You don’t have to tell each other stories, it can be as simple as riding a bike, or going to lunch, or reading books in a library.

It’s during these times that small things are dropped.  Specifically walls around what can and can’t be shared. As they they describe a situation, they will use specific words and phrases. These phrases relate directly to the data points that describes their understanding of the outcome they see happening.

I’m using data points, when points of reference, means the same thing. 

From these points of reference, a timeline and story can be built that describes both the current situation as well as the past situation. The past history is the most important for because it is where the original emotional wound lies.  There was a desire to get what they wanted, and they were not in a position of power to get it.  

From this perspective, it becomes easier to see how a person not in power has to beg, plead, or steal to get what they wanted. It is also easier to understand why they feel they have to keep playing out this same game over and over again in adult hood.  Every superior reminds them of the superior that lauded over them in this past history.

Creating Change

“Friends share experiences consistently.”, did you notice the word, “consistently”?  Consistency is the piece of the puzzle that creates the framework for change.  You constantly showing what calm and normalcy look like, while your friend rages against the machine.  This alone provides the strongest evidence against their negative outcome. It shows that other choices lead to different outcomes.

If at each point of reference, there were different choices that could be made, what choices would they be?  Do they see them?  Do they believe that they are realistic choices? If you were to write a story, where the options lead to different positive outcomes, what would this story involve?

In order to have a positive outcome, you have to overcome the resistance to change with three things:

Dissatisfaction with the current reality

A realistic vision of a better future

A first realistic concrete step

If their new story contains these 3 elements of them succeeding, then they will not only be aware of the points of reference, they will also know how to steer the story towards a positive outcome they want.

6 quick and easy ways to connect with anyone

University of Michigan researchers have revealed an incredible prototype technology - a braille tablet. Current designs only allow for one line of braille, but the new prototype displays full pages of text. Find out more and watch the project leader, Dr. Sile O’Modhrain, discuss the developments at BGR. Pair with our eReader cheat sheet.

Democratic Leadership

I’ve been watching a strange phenomena though my life where people always want to give others the right to vote.  Everything decision has to be voted on, and if the majority feels that the decision shouldn’t be carried out, then opportunity that presented the choice is dropped. But is that what is really needed, fair, or even appropriate in a business context?

Politics

I define politics as:

The ability to insure that your voice is heard.

Politics doesn’t mean that your opinion, reasons, or facts will be taken into account when the final decision is made, but that you are given a platform to insure that you are heard. There is, however, an inherent problem with the understanding most people have concerning the right to vote, especially in a business environment.

Business / Managers

Businesses have been forced to adjust to employee demands for managers become better leaders.  On the face of this, it is an important growth step to keeping workers happy and productive.  Where, it has been found that micro managing employees, their work and how they do it, tends to cause highly creative people to leave. Reducing the overall productivity of a small company or a companies department. 

Most employees have understood that a managers role was to distribute work and monitor metrics. Now a manager must negotiate how the work is to be done. Managers allow employees to decide how they want to do the work, and only enter into the fray when a tie needs to be broken. But, what most employees have forgotten that managers also represent them to their superiors.

This aspect of management, the representation, doesn’t allow for the employees to vote on the direction of their work or working group. And, in turn causes employees to demand more transparency into the decision making process that affects their daily work schedule.  While, at times this can be good, it also has it’s downsides as well.

Having a right to vote in a business means that a business could miss strategic opportunities to invest or capture market share, as employees vote against these opportunities. This method of voting, means that companies have to spend more time engineering campaigns to explain to employees how an opportunity will affect the business and their work.  And, maybe even their employment.

For example, in one instance, the company may decide to buy a division or startup to add a product to their existing mix.  Complementary positions may become redundant, and thus employees who are not needed would vote “NO!” on the proposal in order to secure their job.  However, other employees who see the potential for growth and future investment would vote “YES!”.  But, if the nay’s out way the yay’s. then the companies ability to grow and prosper for all involved, withers and dies.

A companies ability to strategically move assets throughout it’s business life cycle would be seriously hampered if democratic voting were allowed at this level.  The sheer amount of bureaucracy would unduly burden the companies ability to swiftly take advantage of any opportunity that came along.

Personal Democratic Relationships

Which brings me to the point of my article on this topic.  I’ve recently had the opportunity to see every decision be nit picked through the democratic process.  And, I’ve come to the realization that it’s F*cking Annoying.  Here’s why ...

As I pointed out above, when the minority needs the majority to vote on a decision it slows the decision making process down. And, it also gives the minority permission to be upset with the decision of the majority.  

This however should not be construed that the minority don’t have a voice. They most certainly do. And, require advocates to help them be heard.  A recent example is GerryMandering - where a professor finally found a formula that allows the Judicial System to review GerryMandering to determine if Vote Wasting is actually happening.  This in it’s worst form disenfranchises a population from being properly represented, and allows a minority to remain in power, even though they don’t represent them.

But this example is at a macro level, and I’m discussing a problem at the micro level.  A group of 3 to 10 people, vs 3,000 to 1 million people.

At the level of 3 to 10 people, a form of leadership that allows everyone to be heard is needed, yet the decision to act needs to be executed by one person. Why this method of democracy?  It’s just like the version described in a business environment.  There may be an opportunity that the minority wants to take advantage of, while the majority doesn't.  But if the minority is constantly excluded from group participation, then the minority begins to wonder why they joined the group to begin with.  Thus the leader has to balance the competing desires and help everyone feel included.

And, the person who makes the decisions doesn’t have to be the same person all the time.  There is a commercial playing where 2 kids, a mom and dad are all stating what they want for dinner.  Dad says, “Taco’s it is!”, which was not one of the options listed by any of the other participants.  Yet, everyone seemingly agrees to go along with the decision.

Conclusion

In a personal democracy, I’m not advocating that there be a czar or authoritarian in control all the time, but that 1 person be selected to hear the arguments of the group ... pros and cons, alternatives, or other information ... and then make a decision.

In my case, I am usually soliciting ideas for places to have brunch, and then mediating between different factions vying for where we should go.  And, in most cases, all I want is bacon and eggs, scrambled with cheese, onions and green peppers, and pico degio spooned on top. =)

Successors

As the old theory goes, only 1 can be your successor. But ... what if you taught 100s how to be your successor?

A problem with successors is that restricted knowledge becomes lost over time due to forgetting to transfer it, filtering out knowledge, those with the knowledge choose to die vs allow it to be misused, or the knowledge looses relevance .. as when technology dies.

In either case the knowledge has to be rediscovered. This rediscovery takes time and effort. The best way to secure it is in multiple.forms, and teach people how to.rediscover it when necessary.

Body Transformation for Heavy Set People

Transforming your body requires time and effort.  It is accomplished through building lean muscle, tightening stomach and back muscles, and shrinking fat cells through consuming the fuel they store.  This article will focus on calorie burning, by combining a series of trans-formative programs together.

#1. BEING MINDFUL

Pay Attention! Reflect!  Celebrate!

There are four aspects to track when executing a transformational program: Self Image, Effort, Reflection and Celebration.

Transformations requires an understanding of the motivations behind the need to transform, the resistance to transformation, and why YOU don't want to transform.  Keeping a journal about this subject helps practitioners understand self doubts and judgments, work ethics and efforts, and things that encourage or discourage training.  

Study and reflect your journal and articles on transformational programs.  If one system doesn't work, try another, and then another. Figure out what works for YOU!  Maybe you need to do a combination of things that build muscle, build stamina, and maintain flexibility.

The ultimate progress journal will be how the body responds to training. With that said, tracking effort helps to determine what is working and not working.  When tracking program change effects, insure  changes are given a reasonable time frame.  In human body terms, changes range from 2 weeks to 3 months to a full year.

Journaling also helps identify when milestones have been reached.  Unlike SMART Goals, body transformation work requires Simple Manageable Achievable and Realistic goals.  Time is not a factor in transformation, since recognition of the achievement won't be realized till well after having achieved it.  It will be a realization, “I'm there and maintaining it!” Celebrate these moments with people who have helped you achieve this transformation.  

#2. CONSISTENCY / ROUTINE

The easiest way to be consistent is by building a daily routine and committing to it. It seems easy at first; then harder due to competition, boredom or both; and eventually becomes a natural part of who you are. Journaling thoughts demonstrates the individual struggle and progress being made to achieve your targeted transformation.  

There are cell phone apps that prompt individuals to do things during their day:  Take supplements. Eat a meal.  Work out.  Journal.  And so on.  They will also help you reflect on the progress to achieve this routine's consistency.  

#3. WEIGHT TRAINING

The theory is, the more muscle you have, the more energy you burn.  There are many programs that build muscle:  Body Building, Power Lifting, Olympic Lifting, Resistance Training, and Yoga .. just to name a few.  

Lean muscle burns more calories to maintain its activity. The best way of increasing lean muscle is, of course, weight training. Training that contains compound movements, vs isolation exercises, consume more energy, since more muscles are active during the exercise. An example is, heavy lifting with low rep ranges - six reps for presses and pulls. Higher rep ranges can be done when training calves, abs and arms.

There are many sites, sources, and books on the subject of weight training. It is recommend that a personal trainer be involved to demonstrate the techniques, and insure that they are being performed properly to receive the greatest benefit from the exercise and avoid injury.

As mentioned, a strong stomach and back (core) are an essential part in any body transformation, since this is the primary place the body stores extra energy.  A weak core will prevent compound exercises from being executed.  And, while situps are the main stay to a 6 pack stomach, planks and squats are the path to a strong core.

#4. INTERVAL TRAINING

Preparing for weight training requires a good warm up routine using a series of intervals. Interval routines are short burst of intense activity, like sprints. Initially light to warm up, then heavier and harder as the body responds positively to the exertion.  These routines should resemble the exercises to be performed.  Thus, slowly warm up the muscles and prepare them to manage heavy loads or work for longer durations.  

At the time of this writing, there is no good reference site that identify 1000's of HIIT (High Intensity Interval Training) routines.  Therefore, create a search worm to find find these routines through various synonyms: HIIT, Aerobics, FITT,

When combined with your heavy lifting the body sweats for 1 to 2 hours after the work out.  In achieving this milestone, the transformation process will begin to show results.

#5. DIETING

In examining diet, there are four things to consider:  tracking what you eat, discovering what you like to eat, how often you eat and portion size.

Instead of tracking calorie intake, take pictures of the food you are eating.  This builds an immediate feedback loop through journaling that encourages healthier choices.  

Identify the things that you like to eat. To build a healthy diet plan, use several picture cook books to identify dishes you like to eat.  

Americans are accustom to eating 3 meals a day: breakfast, lunch and dinner.  This routine works against those trying to transform their body.  One reason why the body maintains a lot of energy stored in fat cells is due to inconsistent eating habits that make it hard for the body to know when needed nutrients will be available.  Thus, when sugars and nutrients are consumed, they are moved to fat cells almost immediately.

A better diet plan is a mix of the Adkin's diet and Hypoglycemic's diet plan.  In this plan, there is a reduction in sugar, an increase in protean, and it is served through a series of small meals.  The plan calls for 7 to 11 meals a day spaced every 2 hours:  breakfast, salad, protean, pasta, fruits & nuts, desert, salad, protean, pasta, fruits & nuts, and desert.  This plan substitutes simple sugars from starches for fruits and veggies and complex carbohydrates in pastas. Thus, as Dr. Adkins stated, “You are are loosing weight due to deficit in carbohydrates.”

Review the full list of supplements from a vitamin shop. Some diet plans call for supplements.  Some bodies are unable to produce them.  For example, if doing heavy lifting, DOMS – Delayed Onset Muscle Soreness – is a disabling / debilitating pain that is experienced after a workout and can last up to 2 weeks.  The causes and cures are varied. However, one supplement that seems to help is Glutamine.

When considering portion size, consider that the average person's stomach is the size of their fist.  The average meal (in a 3 meal a day plan) eaten, is 3 to 4 times that size.  This affects the how large a salad, a protean dish or fruit bowl will be.  The suggestion is, find a bowl that is the size of your fist, and use that to measure your meals.  

If you choose to eat every 2 hours, then adjust the daily routine to prepare the meals every morning.  This way, the meals are ready to go, and require fewer interruptions throughout the day to consume.

#6 WATER

There are many different things to consider when consuming water.  Should it be room temperature or ice cold vs boiling hot.  Should it be bottled or tap water.  Should it be run through a purifier or pulled from a mountain stream?  Or should it just be bottled from fresh snow?

On average, every human should drink at least 1 gallon of water to help their liver and kidneys function properly.  The easiest way to do this, is to sip water all day long.  Depending on the types of water you like, there are USB devices that keep the water at the temperature preference of your choice: Hot, Warm, or Cold.

What helps flush waste material from the cells as they worked and rebuilt.  Remember, when the body sweats it is expelling water that must be replaced. Drinking fresh water during this period helps. Keeping the body hydrated, will help muscles respond positively to exercise at all levels of intensity.

#7. INDICATORS

Many transformation plans suggest recording numbers.  As mentioned above, pay attention to how your body responds. It is a better indicator to how added time, exertion and weight are affecting your body.  Recording numbers can lead to a disheartening effect that SMART goals are not being achieved.  And, as mentioned above, SMART is not the goal, SMAR – Simple, Manageable, Attainable, and Realistic goals are the focus. Time is not a factor in transformation.

Weight measurements are accurate after 6 to 8 hours of fasting and purging. Expect daily measurements will go up and down.  However, when doing body transformations, the goal is to replace stored energy with muscle tissue, so weight changes may not be relevant in comparison to Body Mass Index and Muscle Mass.

While many obese people have to resort to liposuction and plastic surgery, it should be noted that the body maintains a consistent number of fat cells. Thus if they are sucked away through liposuction, they will return. Keeping them small is the goal.

Another indicator used is waistline.  This size is affect by eating late at night, which causes intestinal gas production that presses against the stomach walls, and causes the stomach muscles to lengthen in response.  Working the core, will reduce this effect. As will restricting food intake 6 hours prior to sleeping.

There are many more indicators: Blood Pressure, Heart Rate, Sugar Levels, Energy Levels, Stamina, Boredom to name a few.  Find indicators that will that determine how the body is reacting to the level of effort being exerted.