Oh Okay. Heart Steps Right Out Of My Chest And Falls Down The Stairs

oh okay. heart steps right out of my chest and falls down the stairs

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Why Atsushi is my favourite protagonist of all time - the essay

Some time ago I said I was going to write an essay on this subject and I was partially joking (because I have no idea how to write a proper essay) and partially being serious because he means so much to me, it's getting out of hand. Also, at this point, the manga and the anime have kinda become interchangeable, so this analysis will be a blend of both. Moreover, I haven't read "55 minutes" yet (I know, I know, I gotta do it one fateful day) and because of that, it won’t cover this light novel. But I'll mention "Beast" briefly.

Anyway, I finally snapped, so here's the promised essay:

Ever since I've seen the first few minutes of the first episode of bsd, I've known that Atsushi was going to become one of my favourite characters and he quickly became my favourite protagonist of all time. Funnily enough, just this first episode was enough for him to rise to the top of my favourite protagonists list and he kept his position ever since. What makes him so special is an interesting combination of characteristics and the way they're treated within the narrative.

It's no mystery that Atsushi isn't physically the strongest main character. There is a natural tendency for the protagonist to have a raw physical strength because they need to carry the story [damn I just started and I already cannot help but make puns]. And yeah, Atsushi has his ability which is in fact extremely powerful, but he doesn't really use it in an offensive manner, rather it's an aid of protection for him. I've been thinking about his usage of the Beast Beneath the Moonlight and he usually uses it to add strength to his legs and arms to either run faster, jump higher or protect himself from the enemy. Being able to turn into a huge weretiger seems like a perfect offensive ability and yet Atsushi uses it mostly as a way to regenerate or save the people. Using it to jump from the train to save Kyouka and carrying Akutagawa in that tunnel are just 2 ways he's used it in a creative manner to save others.

That doesn't mean he never fights directly because if he has no choice, he will fight back. It's especially effective if there's another person on his side e.g. Atsushi and Kyouka fighting Akutagawa on the ship or Shin Soukoku fights with Fitzgerald, Goncharev and partially Fukuchi (I mean their plan was a good one, it's not their fault that Fukuchi has a time-travelling sword). Many main characters tend to have one-on-one fights with enemies and win them but being alone is actually one of Atsushi's weaknesses. It makes fights more interesting because apart from kicks and punches, there has to be an element of some cooperation with allies. He's definitely not a small little meow meow that fandom sometimes tends to make him out to be (I have no problem with fanon Atsushi sometimes you need to simplify things for a joke to land, it's just imporant to remember than canon and fanon Atsushi differ in many ways and he's canon version is more willing to use violence when needed) and can fight for himself and the people around him.

He tends to be given shit by other characters for not being strong enough ("Your tiger is strong, but you are not" for example) but that's not entirely true either. The thing about Atsushi is that he's kinda just a regular 18-year-old with a messed up childhood who has no prior training in any way. Other characters had at least some training or experience in fights but Atsushi used to be a victim of abuse who was bullied by everyone in the orphanage and that's it. Nobody has taught him how to fight, the proper stance, nothing. He's also just learned about his ability in the first chapter, so he still doesn't know what he's truly capable of. Taking that into consideration, he's a damn good fighter. He learns and adapts to new situations or dynamics quickly, is able to react fast and acts on instincts (i.e. catching the bullet using his teeth). He's just as strong as any other hero with no training and develops in a realistic pace. Expecting a teenager who's barely making it in life to be an excellent fighter right off the bat is quite a big expectation. We're used to that due to other main characters being very powerful (sometimes even overpowered) but that doesn't mean it has to be the standard. Atsushi is developing at a steady pace and that's more than fine.

Something that Asagiri is certainly wonderful at is making the characters realistic in a way that they feel like real people and have fun and normal personalities and Atsushi is not exception. When it comes to the personality, he's mostly quiet and awkward but not in an annoying or over the top way that some awkward characters tend to be (just a regular teenager). However, on the other hand he's willing to start shit and argue with people (mostly with Akutagawa). He can be pretty stubborn too like when Kunikida was trying to stop him from taking Kyouka in and Atsushi still fought for her. His stubbornness also has a negative side like when he doubts Akutagawa because he doesn't believe he can change or cooperate. He's also more often than not scared of his opponents in some way and sometimes it impacts the way he fights which is a cool thing to see (it certainly helped me connect with him and understand his point of view). He's afraid of taking risk and when he puts this fear aside and shows his courage, he's able to do great stuff. Most of the time, he's more likely to act on his bravery when someone else's safety is at risk, such as when he wanted to leave the Agency to protect it from the Port Mafia. Leaving the ADA would mean having to fight the PM alone but Atsushi was ready to sacrifice his own safety for the people he's just met.

Another thing that caught my attention right away is the fact that at first he's not even trying to be heroic. When we meet him for the first time he wants to help the ADA catch the tiger because they offer him money. It's such a simple motivation, but I just can't help but enjoy it when characters do something just for money not because they feel the need to help but because they need money to survive. It's such a logical motivation for a person who was starving an hour ago to join someone because of the payment. And I'm glad that the payment argument isn't just a one time thing but comes up later on when Atsushi takes Kyouka to walk around Yokohama to show her the city all while carrying his little purse and dying inside because he has to pay so much for food (and yet he doesn't stop her and keeps giving her things because he's just like that - he's a very caring person who can sacrifice he's own comfort for others).

Since we're already talking about Atsushi's funny moments, Atsushi is freaking hilarious as a character. His morning phone panic lives in my head rent free and I always remember his NANI?! NANI?! NANI?! whenever I have to rush to pick up my phone. The panic. The butt wiggling. The MOSHI MOSHI like someone is going to shoot him if he doesn't pick up. And lastly, the fact that he'd probably never used a phone before, so it's understandable that he was panicking and afraid of doing something wrong. He's a very expressive person, so his facial expressions are amazing each time. 10/10. All the bsd characters have perfect reactions to different situations but confused Atsushi is always especially funny and the anime highlights this part of him quite well.

When discussing his personality it's also obligatory to talk about his kindness. Azura made an amazing analysis of this subject here so go read it (go right now, I'll wait). I'll come back to his inner dilemma later but for now I want to point out that he can also act selfishly, like when he didn't want to share his room with Kyouka at first (afterwards he agreed but wasn't on board right away) despite being the one who brought her into the Agency. And I really appreciate the fact that he's a fully fledged character who acts out and isn't always perfect. We need to remember that he's 18. Not as in "only 18" or "he should've been stronger by now" but just being an 18-year-old. A teenager whose brain is still developing, who's dealing with emotions, hormones and all that other stuff. It's easy to compare him to people like Akutagawa or Dazai who are 20 and 22 in order and say that he's not on the same level as they are, but 2 years can be a huge difference when you're a teenager and switch from one enviroment to the other. And come on, Akutagawa is still very moody at 20 and Dazai could use some more maturity at 22, so Atsushi isn't really lacking too much at 18 in comparison. For example, think about Dazai who had at least 3 years of experience of what it's like to live in the real world, a stable position and some friends and was still struggling emotionally in the Dark Era and he was the same age as Atsushi is now. After Atsushi experiences the world a bit more, he'll mature like any other person.

As a side note, Atsushi never got a chance to truly be immature and to act silly with friends. All the other characters had at least one friendship by the time they were his age, but he had nobody until he joined the Agency. It really haunts me that he was all alone with everyone at the orphanage bullying him for existing when Atsushi was obviously a good kid. He deserved so much love and friendship and yet got neither. The fact that he's connecting with the members of the ADA and they're becoming his family is very important to his development as a person. If he always had someone to count on, maybe he wouldn't be as traumatized as he currently is.

Atsushi's trauma is an extremely important part of his character and I'm really, really glad that Asagiri made it this way. Too many protagonists go through dramatic stuff and come out basically fine (it's brushed off). And it always leaves me confused as to why they don't show any mental consequences of such events. And then there's Atsushi who's struggling with his self-esteem and world perception. He has mental breakdowns, flashbacks from the past abuse and intrusive thoughts, all of which are often shown and they never feel like too much (I just wish the anime would show more variety when it comes to his flashbacks, but I get that getting kicked out of the orphanage and being told to go die in a ditch left the biggest impact on him). Often times, characters who are supposed to be weak constantly break down over the smallest things which can get annoying but Atsushi has valid reasons to be in that constant distress since multiple people are out to get him. He got thrown in the middle of the conflict between the ADA and the PM and it only got more intense from that point onwards. A good example would be when he had a breakdown in "Dead Apple" after he learned about his past and the way Shibusawa tortured him. Since the beginning, Atsushi had been worrying whether he had accidentally killed someone as a tiger and unlocking these memories was one of his fears coming true. Of course, it wasn't his fault in any way, but for him, it was still something hard to deal with emotionally. So it's no wonder he snapped. It was a strong reaction but a realistic one nonetheless.

It's also important to note that crying is quite a good coping mechanism and helps somewhat unleash all bottled-up emotions at once, so Atsushi crying throughout the series is a completely normal and natural response to all the stress and intense emotions he has to endure. It's not his fault that typically fictional characters who are supposed to be the main characters are only allowed to cry if something absolutely fucked up happens (which is kind of a problem on its own). I'd rather see my favourite character react in a healthy way that goes in line with how they were raised and the consequences of a certain adolescence than bottle-up emotions and never show typical signs of distress. Crying doesn't make anyone weak!

This is especially a problem when it comes to male characters overall who in some cases aren't even allowed to have any emotions (maybe besides anger and some sense of humour on a good day) by the narration. Male characters who show their emotions are a way to present a more healthy picture of masculinity and give a good example to people who interact with the story that it's okay to show emotions. And once again, he's 18. It's perfectly normal for a teenager to have strong reactions all the time. Taking that into consideration, I'd say that he's doing an amazing job trying to have a healthier mindset while still having to fight people who are much more experienced than he is. He's new to the Yokohama scene and is achieving so much. A few years from now (Yokohama time, not our real time), he's bound to become one of the strongest ability users out there and I really hope he's going to stay as kind as he currently is.

Another thing I'd like to talk a bit about is his moral dilemma, which is basically along the lines of "If I don't constantly prove that I'm a good person worthy of living, it means I'm bad and don't deserve good things in life". And I have no idea how relatable this statement is to the average viewer but for me personally, it hits hard. Even though Atsushi and I were raised in completely different circumstances and don't really have anything in common, I'm always going through the same internal turmoil and seeing this issue addressed within the first episodes made me fall in love with bsd. A dilemma like that deserves to be portrayed with care and attention and bsd doesn't shy away from talking about it. It made me really happy to see his interaction with Sigma when he didn't try to save him because he felt he needed to prove something, but because of his compassion. It means Atsushi is getting better at understanding himself and doesn't need to prove his worth all the time anymore. He allows himself to be and that's a development from his previous stance.

Seeing Atsushi actively working through his struggles gives me a lot of comfort. Since the first episode, I've kept calling him a good boy and a sweetheart, so when it was revealed how much he struggles mentally with the concept of being a good person, it surprised me quite a lot. A struggle like that is realistically a prominent part of simply existing around other people and thankfully, isn't brushed aside in bsd but even highlighted throughout the story and Atsushi's progress. He has better days and worse days. Sometimes he functions better, sometimes he breaks down, but he's slowly moving forward. Watching him navigate through his issues gives me comfort and I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this way. Again, I have no idea how many people struggle with their own sense of humanity and belonging, but it's more likely than not a universal thing, so it makes Atsushi somebody many viewers can especially relate to. And it isn't something I've seen a lot in the popular media, at least not to the extent of being one of the main conflicts.

It's a heavy and complicated issue and even the characters don't always understand where Atsushi is coming from like Dazai, who told him that the traumatic events he went through in the orphanage made him kind, which isn't true (however, it makes perfect sense that Dazai told him that considering Dazai's past. He told him what he believes in, but that doesn't mean he's correct). Trauma on its own just makes people traumatized and it's the people that have the power to choose to be kind like Atsushi does. The "Beast" universe shows quite well that Atsushi could've gone down a different path, so it's not the abuse that made him who he is, but Atsushi himself. And he doesn't get credit for that. A lot of time the orphanage director is the one who's credited for Atsushi's kindness and heroic behaviour but "Beast" proves that it's always been Atsushi's choice to be a good person despite the hatred and abuse he had to deal with in the orphanage. I couldn't name another character who has been going through this much for presumably 18 years (Atsushi was told that his parents treated him even worse than the people in the orphanage and we never learn if that's true) all by themselves and still ended up with so much kindness and strength. It shows that he's in fact more mentally strong than he's given credit for.

And Atsushi is also a really cool dude with an open mind. As shown in the beginning, he can spend quality time with every member of the ADA and make friends easily. It's an amazing skill for someone who had never had a friend before and wasn't even taught how to interact with others. He does judge people unfairly from time to time, which only proves that he isn't perfect and still has room to develop. But it doesn't stop him from trying his best and giving people chances like with Sigma, whom he so desperately wanted to save. I can't wait to see where the storyline is gonna go when it comes to Shin Soukoku because after he underestimated Akutagawa's morals, he had an existential crisis, so if (WHEN please WHEN not if) they meet again, both of them are certainly going to have different mindsets than they used to.

In conclusion, Nakajima Atsushi is a damn interesting protagonist. Even though he's mostly known for his kindness, he's a complicated person who has certain flaws that he's been working on throughout the series. He's an incredibly well-balanced character who can be both weak and strong depending on the situation, but in the end, doesn't give up and always tries his best. He's funny, he's able to connect with people around him and most importantly, he is in fact a relatable protagonist. He breaks down and works on his issues like any other person and often gets his ass kicked before he's able to come up with a solution to his problems. His development is organic and despite being a character with superpowers, everything about him still feels realistic. Dealing with PTSD (I don't think it's confirmed that he has PTSD, but it looks like it) is something many people struggle with and it impacts their lives greatly, so it makes sense for it to be a big part of his character. Atsushi slowly learns how to deal with it and how it's not all who he is. Since the beginning, Atsushi has been the one to make the choice to be kind and always try his best to save others not because of but despite his trauma. And I hope that one day, Atsushi will genuinely like himself for who he is because he deserves all the love in the universe.

Okay I have some question here do you guy remember there scene where sigma is taking information from fyodor

And if I remember correctly sigma's ability is trading the information that he want but the other also get what they want right

So here the real question what information did fyodor get

Look at the first two panel and as you can see sigma was getting a rapid information from fyodor and then we got to the scene where fyodor was holding sigma in the palm of his hand

The scene where fyodor was holding sigma tick me the most

People say that a scene when someone is holding someone in the hand kinda symbolize power or upper hand right?

But is there something else too like another meaning(?)

So I look at it again and think sigma was like getting a torrent of information here right and he look like he was in an information space(?) And then we got the scene where fyodor is holding sigma and looking very pleased of what is happening

I was like wait is fyodor getting the information too

Cause when sigma fainted after he tell himself that he need to tell the agency(applause for him cause really he hasn't been in the agency yet and he already think to tell them)

And then we get a expression of a very unsatisfied fyodor (idk im not good with expression so I guess the face he was making at the end is unsatisfied)

Like he was unsatisfied with the information that he got.

I didn't see anyone talk about this yet, I know dazai (supposed) death surprised you guy and then all of you decided to be an doctor, surgeon or anything to prove that dazai is not dead but really we need to focus on something else too

(That didn't mean that I didn't like all the dazai analysis chap 109 thing, it was quite fun to read it but you know that there another arc that asagiri gonna work on when this arc is done right also I see someone pointing out that we are falling into the same trick as chap 101)

P.S: did I get fed up when nobody is talking about it and then do it- yes, I did

Edit: I just see someone talk about this scene when I was just done doing this lol so I guess someone already talk about it

Also here the link if you interested

REREADING TIME

You know when you reading the manga again and reading it at a more slowed-focused or relaxed pace you can found something quite interesting

So here a funfact (is this count as funfact)

Did you know that bram was speaking Shakespearean

Sometimes I just forgot that this fine man *coughfinespecimencough* is a century old vampire

Also my favorite panel is gonna be this two

HE WAS SO SMUG ABOUT THE FACT THAT AYA CAN'T GET A RADIO THEN SHE JUST PULL OUT SOMETHING THAT IS MORE POWERFUL THAN A RADIO TO THE POINT THAT HE WAS STARING INTO SPACE AND SAYING THAT AYA IS A GOD

This man just want to listen to music and leaving in peace (also who do you think is the artist that he listen to taylor swift, katy perry, billie eilish, Britney spears, nicki minaj, Madonna, ABBA, marina or mother herself lana, I might do a poll for this)

I also want his V.A (I mean the english one cause in my opinion Shakespearean is english but more butchered,don't attack me about this english isn't my first language and the Japanese one can't do it you know cause they are speaking Japanese no hate for them ) to do this too but this is such a small detail I fear that bones are not gonna do it though

Bonus:

Here have an image of him being smug and silly

Bram just describe us when we being in a mood or didn't have enough sleep (being sleepy) or being too embarrassed that make us want to dig a hole or when we are just so done with the world

He just so moody and silly and that why we love him

P.S: we need a duo name for bram and aya cause I like they dynamic so much but I just can't think of a name for them

Edit: i did a poll on who bram will be listening to, here a link if you wanna vote

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imgonnabetheprettiestpersonintheparty

i did mention in my "rereading time" post that i gotta do a poll so here it is: what artist do you think bram is listening to...

there’s something extra tragic about tachiharas death/turning in that it comes at the hands of both his commanders

the literal killing is done by the person who he followed for years, who picked him off the streets, who gave him orders and missions and literally changed who he was

and the orders come from the boss who took him back after he betrayed them, who had sunk his claws into his older brother and used him til he broke (something tachihara still doesn’t know)

and his end comes with not a single close connection. the black lizard squad are all vampires too, and even more so he betrayed them (even if they never knew) and didn’t allow himself to fully enjoy the bonds he made with them. his place in the hunting dogs was soured by fukuchis betrayal, and because of it he had to betray them too. he couldn’t be a hunting dog anymore. he lost two families in one day.

and fukuchi couldn’t even let him die on his own terms. he had to take his choices away one last time.