I Am An Adult

I am an Adult

I feel so freaking proud of myself for transforming a transformers toy....

It took 25 minutes even with instructions....

I am 28 years old....

It is rated 8+....

And now I want to yet fear transforming him back...

What am I doing with my life....

Because it needs to be said (Fire Emblem)

Wow, Fire Emblem warriors did more to convince me that Nohr is violently protective of its siblings more than all of Conquest ever did.

Imagine on the map, enemy forces scattered, Xander (oldest sib) at full health, surrounded by his siblings, all set to guard him with no enemy forces to be seen.

*Me waiting for win screen* 

....

*Camielle* “Oh, no, an advanced fleet, we must save Xander!”

*Leo* “The army will fall apart without him! He must be protected!!″

*Me* ... THERE ARE NO ENEMIES, XANDER IS THE STRONGEST OF YOU AND AT FULL HEALTH, AND SURROUNDED BY HIS SIBS SET TO GUARD HIM, WTF ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT! *Notices fog on the opposite corner of the map.* Do you think someone is in there? Who cares?! They can do literally nothing to us!!

...

Fine, *Sends Leo in to stop the force consisting of....two knights. Of which Xander earlier killed four by himself*

* WIN SCREEN*

REALLY?! What were you afraid one of the knights could hurt Xander’s self esteem as they ran away for their lives?! And this was after I killed an entire fort that I literally could not get to at first because the enemy sealed themselves inside it...unable to harm anyone on my side. Yet the Nohr siblings were like “It is too great a risk to let them live. THEY HAVE A PEGASUS KNIGHT!!” Me: A STIFF BREEZE COULD KILL A PEGASUS KNIGHT SJLSJIEK!”

The Flaw in Every Crystal

Chapter 11: Retraining Arc Part 3

Aka: Lessons in Communication

Aka: His Silent Sass

So Prowl allows Jazz to sleep the night, then the next day starts coming in every joor to ask Jazz questions knowing full well that Jazz cannot answer them. Now we get into Prowl trying to get Jazz to learn how to use wing speak by giving him no other option. Kinda like full immersion but with Torture, or learning to use your non dominant hand via breaking the other. Prowl has not ever gone from the Praxian energon, only. I wonder if its the training, availability, or just Prowl wouldn’t know what else? Probably a combination of all three. Interesting that Jazz’s logical part is saying to reject the energon while the primal one is wanting to take it. Jazz says it wouldn’t be worth it, but it would give him more energy. 

Maybe he has taken what Triage told him to heart and now can logically be sure that Prowl won’t starve him. He can probably feel the line is back in. So logically he knows that he doesn’t “need” the offered energon to live, but because he’s on survival rations his body only cares about being full. 

Those wings must hurt if only because Jazz probably doesn’t know how to properly leave them settled on his back since he never had them before. They also have no external support since there is only the wall behind him. Odd that Prowl saves that as the third lesson after “yes” and “no”.

Once again Prowl at least appreciates the attempt, even more so than success, and Jazz gets his reward. He also is able to easily drink the energon without spitting it back up due to taste. I wonder if it is another diluted and that comment wasn’t mentioned or if its a case of “when you’re starving, everything tastes good.” Probably full energon since Prowl then wants Jazz to start wing movement training. And this is the moment where if I was in this situation, I would be so, so dead. I have a REALLY bad lifetime case of “no your other left”. I would totally mirror instead of copy. Which brings up is Prowl expecting Jazz will naturally mirror and will reverse right and left movements for him, or will Prowl expect Jazz to naturally copy the left and right movements?

And of course Jazz has to be contradictory and only respond with no. Though it is doing the opposite of helping Jazz in the moment I can understand him naturally wanting to needle Prowl whenever possible. Prowl seems to catch on after a bit of being unable to read Jazz’s glare, or just choosing not to. 

Now we see more of Prowl’s annoyance with Jazz coming to the fore. After reducing Jazz to only yes and no responses Prowl now brings out his full sarcasm/dick mode. Praxus really must think therapy is the devil’s work and people just need to buck up and stop being weird. At first it could have been explained away as that Jazz was a noncitizen so his mental state didn’t matter, but Prowl’s actions and venting here really so that after the getting a new mate, explosions, and harm no one thought Prowl may need to talk to someone about it.  

"This is the default position you should carry your wings in. ... Then this one is how you ask any questions, or indicate an otherwise unclear verbal comment is meant as a question."

So every Praxian walks around making the wing equivalent of this face: :-? or this symbol: ~?

I also love that Jazz wants to learn as much as possible to insult Prowl with. Prowl probably won’t want to teach Jazz any ‘uncouth’ motions but I could see Jazz trying different ones out to try to get a reaction out of Prowl. Its impressive that Jazz is able to seemingly pick up on the movements so quickly know, but I guess as a cultural reporter he had to learn to quickly read body movement and how to pick up details. Not to mention altering his own body language to better fit in with the native population.

I’m almost surprised that Jazz doesn’t try to say no to the vocalizer at first to try to earn some brownie points, but I guess it is still too soon to try starting round 2 of that game again. If Prowl wondered why Jazz could even play the “why bother asking for my voice back when nobody is gonna listen to it?” Prowl even thinks about how it is a test, one that he expects Jazz to fail by using his recently regained voice to lash out at him again.....Which he does.... Funny that Prowl lets Jazz speak to see where he is going with the threat. Gotta love how Prowl is like “You are so hard to teach, but pick things up so well” as if the subjects are one and the same to him. 

We see from the last few lines an almost Stockholm Syndrome setting in as Jazz thinks about how much he would like certain parts of Prowl’s personality if it wasn’t being used against him. Which it makes sense there are parts of Prowl that Jazz likes since he willingly hung out with Prowl at first and seemed to enjoy speaking with him. Maybe Jazz is surprised to realize how little of it was actually just an act to kidnap him?

Anyway, that’s the end of this chapter.

Till next time!

Putting this here for save keeping....

Just collecting my various links

Feel free to visit any as you like. More will be added as I find everything and get it organized.

https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skylar_Matthews

https://www.writscrib.com/mywall/2871-skylarmatthews

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1K7XSNDsZ-H6pfXXlzMNpLw6GvVkbly_dalUoApcqZqM

https://www.patreon.com/SkylarMatthews

https://ko-fi.com/SkylarM

The Flaw in Every Crystal

Chapter 17: 'Life in Praxus' Part 1

Aka: A bigger cage is still a cage

Aka: Trust is the two way street Prowl plowed a semi across

So Prowl gives Jazz back his outside THAT ROOM rights. That’s nice. Jazz initially cringed when Prowl entered so any time skip that may have happened can be assumed to have gone just as well as it had the chapter before the intermission. 

“How do you think your training is going?” That is such an asshole ask. Jazz, if he were in a better or worse state of mind: “One star, would not recommend.” But as it is Jazz is in complete survival mode and just gives in to Prowl to avoid more pain.  

“... a simple flick of his wings to indicate he was speaking honestly.” Does this mean that wing movements can indicate lying? Or would it be more sarcasm?

Interesting that Prowl says he wants to offer and treat while unhooking Jazz, as thought the freedom isn’t said to be a reward for Jazz’s behavior but rather just Prowl’s nasty habit of assuming Jazz knows what he believes to be the obvious. Prowl either really trusts that the current training of Jazz has been working or maybe this could be some more subconscious guilt leading him to almost entirely unhook Jazz for the first time since the second explosion. 

Jazz is wobbly at first though I’m not sure if its just because of his mental state or also due to possible harm from being unable to move for so long. Or a bit of both. Or it could be lack of energon as Prowl believes. Prowl may not think it could be physical harm since he expects Jazz to be able to follow him through the house just fine.

Jazz eats too much to soon and almost gets sick which it surprised me a bit that Jazz was allowed to feed himself again. I’m glad at least Prowl didn’t comment on it. We see how well Jazz responds to physical comfort as he leans into Prowl as Prowl rubs his back. Prowl then tucks Jazz into the bed to sleep for a bit, a move that actually would seem sweet if not for everything else leading up to it.

When Jazz wakes up, he wraps himself in the blanket he was covered with more for comfort. It reminds me of how children do a similar action of hiding under blankets to protect themselves from monsters. It’s good that Jazz finally feels safe enough to let his grief and sadness over losing the life he worked so hard to get. 

I wonder how much of Prowl’s following actions are due to his own feelings and how much is the training Prowl is following having a section of what is almost a kind of aftercare for the physically harshest part of the training. 

"I realize how amazing it must feel at this point," Prowl began. -- Sure Prowl, sure you do.

We then see just how much the punishment cycles and Prowls lack of communication have affected Jazz since he believes that he will now lose the blankets and such when really Prowl just wants Jazz to recharge in the ‘normal’ way. It almost seems like Prowl will harm Jazz again for not doing exactly as told. Which is a lot of the root of the problem. Prowl wants Jazz to take his words at face value and only do as commanded while Jazz is trying to anticipate what Prowl wants to avoid punishments. And because Jazz can have no idea what Prowl is thinking, he fails and then to Jazz he gets punished for no reason trying to do what Prowl wants while to Prowl its obviously because Jazz failed to listen. 

Prowl tries to say that Jazz can always ask for clarification of orders but fails to take into account Jazz’s fear of punishment for not understanding something after enough times. There is also the embarrassment of having to ask for clarification of what sounds like a simple order due to not being sure what Prowl would consider the “correct” way of carrying it out. Like if Prowl said “wash the cubes” Jazz won’t know if he means to A) fill the sink with soapy water to let the cups soak, B) follow A but wash the cups right away, C) fill a smaller wash basin located under the sink to wash the cups, D) lather a sponge and use that as to not waste water. It seems like a simple and obvious order to Prowl but Jazz has no way of knowing which answer is right or punishable as each probably seems equally valid to him. Add on to this that no one wants to actually ask “hey, how do I wash a dish?”

We end on Prowl once again happy to live out his little couple’s fantasy as Jazz cannot sleep due to worry about the minefield of the future in front of him.

Till next time!

Flaw in Every Crystal

“Chapter 14: 'Retraining Arc' Part 6

Aka: Prowl did a bad and now feels bad

Aka: The tension building stage?

We start after the anger of last cycle to Prowl bringing Jazz a lot of diluted energon.  Prowl asks if Jazz will accept the energon instead of asking Jazz to do something to earn it first. Though I think it should also be noted that Jazz responds first with an affirmative wing flick in answer to the question.

We see Prowl now being more concerned about Jazz, asking after his energy levels. Due to Prowl’s lingering guilt and Jazz’s exhaustion/soreness both are having a seemingly quiet moment together. Prowl  removes Jazz’s hand restraints so Jazz can feed himself. 

It is actions like this that though I like for Prowl and Jazz getting on more, will muddy the waters in the future of what the training means. Prowl is offering Jazz gifts out of guilt for getting out of hand and losing control earlier rather than as rewards to Jazz. This means that Jazz is less able to trust the intention of the gifts from Prowl. There will always be the question then if it is a guilt gift or a reward. By giving the same gifts for the beating as for behavior, Prowl is allowing the two to become associated in Jazz’s mind. So being a punching bag gives the same return as doing as Prowl wants, therefore when given a gift Jazz will have to wonder then if its foreshadowing a beating down the line. This is probably why also Jazz starts feeling like his actions don’t really matter since Prowl will reward/punish him for both Jazz’s actions and Prowl’s own depending on the unclear situation that only Prowl can judge. Prowl is also giving Jazz more rewards for taking abuse than Jazz was ever given the option of earning since before the second blow-up.

I wonder, is the cycle of abuse known on Cyberton enough that Jazz can recognize that they are currently in a “honeymoon” period? Or is Jazz just tired enough after last orn to just go with things for now? He thinks later that Jazz is pretending but then also wants to tone down his biting remarks to have the kindness continue. Which I guess could just be the next step of the abuse cycle playing out wherein the “tension building” step comes into play after the honeymoon. Though I don’t know how much I can trust the abuse cycle when Jazz is already expecting the anger to come back eventually when I think part of the cycle relies upon the victim feeling like things can really change and therefore staying. 

We do get a bit of an answer on the starvation though as Prowl and Jazz both agree that Jazz’s tanks may have struck and therefore he will have to be careful and consume less energon lest it just come back up later. I can also see starvation being a “good” part of training since if you lower the person’s ability to store and consume food, it will be that much harder for them to run since they will have to take more and have less natural reserves to call upon.

Prowl then promises Jazz at least two cubes the next orn to rely on, but says Jazz must earn it from beyond that. Prowl says how “This changes nothing unless you change because of it.” I have been wondering for a bit over this sentence. I know it means in a way that Prowl’s kindness will only continue if Jazz behaves so it is no use to show it otherwise. But at the same time it makes the beating almost feel planned when it obviously wasn’t.

Jazz seems to take this kindness as an act on Prowl actually. Which is a rather simple, though understandable way to view it. It helps accent here how young Jazz probably is that he can see things black and white like this. Wherein because Prowl is a “bad” person, any “good” actions Prowl performs must therefore be an act since “bad” people only do “bad” things. It also doesn’t help that Jazz must have major trust issues after the whole “courting” thing.

Prowl also detaches the energon line now that Jazz has been feed. It will also add probably in Prowl’s mind, more weight to Jazz having to earn his energon from then on.

We also see that Prowl now has a fear almost of giving Jazz gifts that allow Jazz more mobility since Jazz attacked Prowl and has stated he is willing to do so in the future. Yet even more than flavored energon and a blanket, the loosening of restraints is still a go-to. Granted right after I typed that I realized how stupid it would be to have a blanket in the room while Jazz was not capable of movement. 

Prowl and Jazz still seem to be in a state of “calm before the storm”, though when Jazz brings up a medical worry about his joints, Prowl just brushes it off as nonsense. Though in Jazz’s defense when he does finally try to move, it’s as though he has a fully body cramp.

Prowl then rewards Jazz highly for just the wing movements and not biting back that Jazz gets to clean up, though while still cuffed. Really Prowl you cannot be this schizo in the rewards system. You really need a point or leveling system or something. Like yeah, Jazz is not going to rebel with that offer on the table, but now that that precedent is in place, its going to look like complete “moving the goalposts” if you then later offer only energon for the same behavior expectations.

We then get the obligatory prison shower scene which I’m sure had Jazz tiling his head up as he looked towards the cleaning with eyes have open. Rather than the other classic getting on your knees and throwing out your hands as it rains prison scene.  

It’s odd how often Prowl seems to go from treating Jazz like an equal he is disappointed in to treating Jazz like a toddler who doesn’t know any better as he tells Jazz to be careful with the temperature. Is this just Prowl actually feeling like Jazz will not know any better or has he heard stories before of training where this was an issue to warn of and watch out for? And when Jazz chooses what he feels is a less confrontational address, Prowl doesn’t react but thinks to himself: 

“That commentary might have been worth punishing usually but the Enforcer let it go this time.”

So now it is setting Jazz up to fail in the future since Jazz didn’t hear Prowl’s thoughts. Prowl didn’t comment, so Jazz thought the action was “safe”. But when he uses it next time, Prowl will get angry and not let it go again and punish Jazz. But because Jazz cannot read minds it will seem random to him why a comment that was not punished before is being punished now. Prowl even leaves the room when Jazz asks in this way which will makes things so much more confusing down the line that of course Jazz will go the save route of distrusting everything.

I wonder, now that Jazz has adjusted to having the wings on his frame, will they be harder to remove if Jazz wishes to in the future? People tend to go back and forth on whether Jazz has any door wings, so I don’t know if the authors will go the route of having Jazz keep, change, or remove them in the future when he’s in control of his body again. 

Prowl seems to be using the excuse of it being an odd orn to justify his treatment/over rewarding of Jazz again. It’s kinda sad to see how much Prowl still wants that to be the way things are, even phrasing getting energon with Jazz “like we did before”. Prowl also puts getting out of the house on the table already even though its Jazz’s first time out of THAT ROOM since the retraining began. It’s even sadder to see the effect the training is having on Jazz where now he is looking for excuses and behaving to stay out of THAT ROOM which was Prowl’s goal. 

Having so many rewards given and offered at once to Jazz of course confuses him even more by this point and I can easily see to Jazz how it seems random if Prowl will be harsh with the punishments or over giving with the rewards. Prowl also takes his society very personally so when Jazz expresses disbelief that he could ever be a part of the society, Prowl takes it as self-doubt rather than Jazz hating the society. When Jazz tries to correct the statement though, it only angers Prowl to see something so a part of him be so totally rejected. Wash, rinse and repeat. Or as Jazz puts it:

“He watched their strange stalemate crumble with every word, knowing the only place to go from here was to an argument that would lead him to be locked up again. Wash, rinse, repeat. “

"You were more than interested in learning everything when you first arrived," Prowl countered.  This statement confused me at first because I though he was referring to when Jazz was faking it rather than the first first time Jazz was there as an outsider. So at first I was like “duh he seemed interested then Prowl, he was waiting to explode” then I read the rest of it.

Anyway, Prowl, sensing an argument coming as much as Jazz tries to just cut off the conversation then and there, of course not listening to what Jazz is actually saying, or at least not fully accepting it. Jazz then is just having none of it. I wonder if Jazz would actually take it better if Prowl acknowledged his feelings. Like “I know that you do not find this situation ideal, *Jazz snort* but your anger cannot change your situation for the better...” Actually that would probably still just lead to shouting the more I think of it. Maybe Prowl should try using an “I statement”? “Jazz, I feel frustrated when my home society’s kidnapping guidelines are insulted...”

In spite of Prowl wanting to leave Praxus to rise in the ranks based only on his own merit, he must still love Praxus, or at least have its values very deeply ingrained into himself, that Jazz will say  “Just take me back to Iacon, we can go our separate ways an' I'll never come back to Praxus." And Prowl will still insist on Jazz accepting Praxus instead of accepting this as a plan for both him and Jazz to work together on. He even says how its a slippery slope in his mind if the law is changed into complete chaos. 

Then we see this phase of the cycle end as Jazz is forced back into THAT ROOM after having another argument with Prowl. Jazz instead opts to attack Prowl again in a fit of desperation. Unfortunately, this signals to Prowl that Jazz will only respond to punishments since even offering the outside again still lead to an argument. So now Jazz will probably be even worse off than before. 

Till next time!