Mid-year Reflection; Im 18, Turning 19 In 6 Months. I Burnt Myself Out (and Subsequently Failed My First

mid-year reflection; i’m 18, turning 19 in 6 months. i burnt myself out (and subsequently failed my first uni course) but i got accepted to my dream university for 2025. i kissed my girlfriend last week. i left my hometown a month ago (and i moved out 6 months before that).

i’m now more than 1500km from my hometown, but home is now my girlfriends little green van. our mornings begin with tea and our evenings frequently consist of eating pasta straight out of the pot. the betwixt is spent at waterfalls or mountains or beaches.

and how i might be broke but oh boy i’m rich.

It’s weird to grow up in a family where you know you’re loved but you don’t feel loved. And then later in adulthood you understand how almost impossible it seems to cross that distance and let yourself experience closeness, how otherworldly love feels now and how love feels unbearable at times. You flinch when someone tries to wholeheartedly love you. And over and over you see so clearly how you cannot be loved unless it's from afar and love is mixed with that familiar sensation of distance and coldness.

there are times, when i look at you, a heart full of love, eyes sparkling with joy. and i don’t want the world to see our love, it is undeserving. this world is so full of hate and suffering. when the fear creeps up on me i think; this world is going to take you from me.

but the world doesn’t need to know. you know that i love you, that’s more than i could ask for <3

i wish i was brave like you and i wish i could be out like you are so proudly…. but i’m still the girl who walked stiffly through a pride festival, feeling as though i’m still not supposed to be there. the girl who won’t call you girlfriend. the girl who lets your hand go at the slightest glance from someone, fearful of getting my heart hurt by strangers. the girl who won’t just kiss you under a mini eiffel with an excuse like “i’m just not that out yet…”

2024

LEARN TO LEAN ON OTHERS

ASSUME THE BEST ALWAYS

LOOK STRANGERS IN THE EYE

PUT ON YOUR OWN OXYGEN MASK FIRST

DO IT SCARED AND SOBER

LEARN THE WORD, THEN LIVE IT

SHARE IN THE JOY OF CREATION

APPRECIATE THE PRESENCE OF GRIEF

DO NOT LET THE GUILT CONSUME YOU

WRITE EVERYTHING DOWN

BE IN YOUR BONES

THIS IS NOT YOUR GRAVE

- cherry wine is about domestic abuse. it’s now called a cute proposal song.

- too sweet is about seizing the day and ignoring healthy habits in favor of having more fun with unhealthy ones. he’s actively critical of himself in the song. it’s now called a song about thinking you’re superior for drinking black coffee.

- take me to church is about worship as a metaphor for sex. it’s called a religious song.

- eat your young is a song about war and political greed. it’s called a song about sex.

- now, the strongly political message of nobody’s soldier is being ignored in favor of calling it a metaphor for hozier’s relationship with his fans.

when are we going to stop simplifying hozier’s music down to cute little cottagecore bogman forest music? maybe you dont want to hear this but i don’t care. quit listening to hozier for the aesthetic. there’s a reason why empire now, foreigner’s god, butchered tongue, etc. songs with unignorable political messages are among his least popular songs.