Peace

Peace

Inside of me

Peace

Because of me

Peace

Because I make sense

Peace

And Freedom

So much Freedom

Love and compassion

For myself

In the last years

A lot of times it was only about me

And it had to be that way

Surviving

Myself

Thankful

For everyone

Who helped me survive

Thankful

For myself

Because I was there with me in my darkest moments

I was there with me when I couldn’t talk to anyone

I am here with myself

Through everything

Being able to see

The smoke clearing away

Parts lingering

Fresh air

Breathing

In

And out

In and

Out

In

And

Out

Living

Breathing

Caring

For myself

That is beautiful

Resilience

Through

Myself

I am still here

And I‘ll not be going anywhere anytime soon

Strength

In myself

I survived

So many things

And I survived

Myself

Second chances

Tree branches

Intertwining

Not complaining

Being in this moment

Thankful

Being better

And that’s a quote:

„It’s so worth it!“

There were always other people

But there is also always myself

It feels like a puzzle piece

When you do a puzzle you sometimes have a huge space of already finished puzzle and one piece in it missing

That’s the puzzle piece

I have it in my hand

It looks like it fits

I am 90% sure it fits

But I don’t put it in

Because I am scared

Maybe it doesn’t fit

I‘m scared

Because if it fits in there

I have to resume puzzling at the outskirts of the huge finished space

And that scares me

Because I don’t know what’s there

So I sit here with my puzzle piece

I sit and watch my puzzle of myself

And I cry

Because it feels forbidden to fill that space

It‘s just a puzzle piece, right?

But it feels so huge.

It feels heavy in my hands

Sometimes finding the right puzzle piece

Is scarier than searching for it

The thing is

Yes there are positive things

Plenty

How calm nature makes me feel

How the wind makes a sound in the trees

How Sport makes me feel this rush of adrenaline

How I get to be myself

How I am still living

How I can cook

And clean

And draw

How I love learning

How my dog loves me

How animals care

There is so much

Still it’s not enough

Still I am sitting here

Unhappy

Lost

Hurt

Will it ever be enough

I don’t think so

Will I ever be able to enjoy life

Instead of just fighting to survive

I don’t know

But maybe it’s my fault

Maybe I’m running against walls that don’t even exist

In my head

Well I wann trust myself

More than anything

I wanna live

And enjoy

Everything

But who knows

If it’s my fault

Who knows

If that matters

I know

I’m here

And I know I struggle

And telling myself

I am not allowed to struggle

Isn’t gonna solve anything.

Well

Change is hard

And I don’t know

If this time I chose too much

Of a challenge

Maybe it is my fault afterall

And maybe

I just know what I am

Capable

Off

I don’t know

In the end

I‘m expecting too much

And hurting too much

And enjoying not enough

But I will always find something to criticise

About myself

So yeah

We‘ll see how it goes

Trying to

Move on

From the shame

Of feeling connected to a community that may be mine

Trying to allow myself to find out if the community is mine

Trying to be gentle with myself

And trying to be me

We are allowed to feel that connection afterall

We are allowed to feel home

And we are enough

Enough different

Enough normal

Enough US

And I hope one day we’ll understand that it’s okay to feel conncted even if we aren’t sure if we are a part of that community

Afterall we may be

But we can’t afford to not be a part

We can’t afford that our feelings were wrong

So what is the use in trying to find out if we can only live with one possible outcome

We will never be able to let go of that community

Because it’s the only one we feel so connected and so much at home in.

So we are trying to allow us to feel that even if we don’t know if we are allowed to feel that way.

If we are allowed to let our guard down just yet.

Ah man, we love them so much.

And we feel so safe with them.

We’ll see.

Honestly.

It will be fine.

Everything just feels so pointless

And I am really scared of being stuck with no help again

And I am really overwhelmed

I just want to run from everything and everyone

I just want to be left alone

But truly I want to connect to people

But I am so scared of that

I am scared of not finding help again

I am scared of loosing myself

I am scared of learning more about me

And I am scared of not learning enough

I am scared of not being taken seriously

And I am scared of being dumped

I am scared no one cares about me

And I am scared of doing something wrong

I am scared of being imperfect

Or things going wrong

I am scared of trying

And I am scared of not trying

I am scared of learning more about myself

And I am scared of not learning enough

I am so worried about manoeuvring myself into a situation I can’t get out of

And I am scared of not commuting to something

I am scared of hiding

And I am scared of not hiding

I feel lost and insecure

And I feel dissattached from parts of myself

I feel lost

And I feel like there are two different sides of me that just don’t relate at all

I am just so overwhelmed by everything.

It’s too much.

Who am I?

In all of this

Where am I?

In all of this

Where is my place?

In this world

Is there a place for me?

In this world

Am I allowed to be a fan?

Of this world

Even though it seems like there is a lot of crap going on right now

Am I allowed to celebrate the little things?

Am I allowed to celebrate people that forever changed my perspective on my life?

Am I allowed to disagree when everyone else seems to agree?

Am I allowed to feel what I feel?

And ultimately:

Am I allowed to be myself?

Am I allowed to use the words that describe my experience the best?

Am I a hypocrite?

For being myself.

Does it matter?

Does it matter if I am a bad person?

Is there such a thing as a bad person?

Are there people that are only bad?

Aren’t there multiple dimensions to anyone?

Am I allowed to be myself?

Who is myself?

Am I too much?

Too complex of a person?

Multiplying

Or

Complexing

Does it matter?

Am I a sum of my experiences?

Or am I more than that?

Am I allowed to find someone cute that I‘ll probably never meet?

Are there even rules to our existence?

Am I being a shitty person?

Or is the world shitty?

Are my actions shitty?

Sometimes

Oftentimes

Are my actions kind?

Sometimes

Oftentimes

There is no such thing as a shitty person

Noones actions are only shitty

But still there are people out there that I happily call shitty people.

So what amount of shitty actions does make a person a shitty person?

Compassion

Empathy

Family

These remain

In our pride

The reason we are here today

Fight

Fall

Get up

Love for our friends

I don’t think love is a one dimensional word

I think love entails

Deep feelings for a person

And I want to run away from the perception that romantic love is deeper than any other love.

Because for me.

It is not.

And that’s ok.

My body is mine

The rest I decline

To call mine

So here we are

Thoughts are rolling around

And that’s okay

But now I make a lot of sense to myself

And I honestly don’t have to share that with anyone

If I am scared that my description of myself is dissaproved of

It is ok.

And some day

I may be out and proud about it

Like it happened with all my other self descriptions

For now it is ok

To just know who I am

And to know that the rest of my confusion is ok

It can stay

Until I have the opportunity to clear the smoke

And answer the questions

That don’t seem to have an answer right now.