Freeasthewindsthatblowpastme - The Message Is Hidden Between The Lines - Tumblr Blog

I miss the safety of your arms

and the softness of your skin.

If you paint a black canvas white,

is it not black anymore?

How cruel is it that sometimes even love isn't enough?

How cruel is it that an illness can divide us so much?

How cruel is it that I seem to be too much for everyone?

How cruel is it that even me just wanting to be in your arms is too much for you?

What are you so afraid of?

Why can't we see each other?

I miss you soo much.

And this sucks.

It sucks that people always leave when you need them the most.

It sucks that the world is so cruel.

It sucks that noone can deal with certain illnesses.

And their severity.

We all deal with life diferently.

And I just wanna hear your voice and hold your hand.

And forget about life for a while.

Is it wrong to wish for that.

Is it wrong that with you I can forget for a while who I have to be.

I am so sick of hearing from everyone how

much potential I have.

They all support me soo much.

Because they know I can reach for the stars.

But all I wanna do is live a normal life.

But wherever I go I am supposed to be some wonderkid.

Some special person.

The one who saves the world.

I can shift the momentum in an entire room of people.

But that doesn't mean that I have to.

So I sit here in silence alone

With too much feelings

And too much potential

And I get more and more agressive every

day

And I don't know how to put my life in regular waters again

Because time and time again I end up alone.

Because people are either starstruck by me or scared of me without me even showing them my full complex self.

It sucks to be too much.

And now I think of you

Working your ass off

And it’s crazy to think

That you’re playing first division now

I am extremely proud of you

I am happy for you

That all your hard work paid off

And I hope one day our paths will cross again

One day you’ll play A national team

Wish you all the best

An old friend

Sometimes love is a sad thing

When you love someone you are not supposed to

For the third time

When you are friends

But you want more

When there’s never gonna be more

When he looks at you like he loves you but daydream doesn’t

When you love him but don’t wanna say anything

So you stay quiet

Just suck it up

Because you don’t want to loose those precious moments

Cuddling

And holding each other

Because you don’t want to loose the hope that maybe one day he will love you back

Although you know he won’t

I just wanna go

Run away

Not having to put up with all of that any more

Dysphoria is annoying as hell

It just sucks so much

I just wanna go

Run away

Not know that I am not who I thaught to be

Not lose hope

Not be so fucking tired

I hate it here

But there is so much I love

Community

Walks

Nature

Animals

Sports

Friend

I miss you so much

Everyone who ever died

Leaves a whole bigger than them

I don’t want to feel the pain anymore

It was such along time ago

I am gaining weight and I hate it

It sucks sometimes

I hate it here

Growing pains

A lit of gains

From working

From therapy

From living

Existing

If you would say those things

In a different context

It wouldn’t be okay

But us being unethical makes it okay?

Why do I have to hurt myself to live freely?

Why do I have to live a lie?

Cause no one understands it.

And you say those things to hurt us.

To claim that we can’t be human.

That your morals are more important than my life.

Why me?

And why disphoria again?

No one knows how much it hurts

To have a part that doesn’t belong

No one knows the pain and the grief

Of suffering from something that is without any logic

The pain and the joy

So close together

Who I am doesn’t change

But how you see me does

Verteufelt

Stigmatisiert

Stillgeschwiegen

Versteckt

Unverständnis

Hass

Ungläubigkeit

DAs einzige was hilft ist das moralisch verwerfliche und vermeintlich gefährliche

Denn medizinische Hilfe gibt es nicht

Weil die Ethik wiederspricht

Nur ominöse Torwächter

Ohne Sinn und Verstand

Der Schmerz der bleibt

Komm nimm mich an die Hand

Zeig mir die Welt wie du sie siehst

Ohne den ganzen Schmerz.

I miss you laying in my arms

I miss you catching me

I miss you hugging me tight

I miss you looking at me like we are the only two people on the planet

I miss you saying you love me

I miss sleeping cuddled into your chest

I miss you being excited whenever I am taller than you

I miss watching you

I miss holding you close

I miss you showing me comics

I miss us showing each other music

I miss your room that just breathes you

I miss you and us and we

Ich zieh sie wieder an

Meine Hülle

Die nie so richtig passt

Jeder Pullover zu kratzig

Jedes Hemd zu groß

Jede Hose zu eng

In all ihrer Endgültigkeit

Liegt sie vor mir

Die Wahrheit ist nicht schön

Die Wahrheit bringt nichts

Die Wahrheit

Ist nicht so einfach

Naja

Wir bleiben halt

Und das ist erstmal gut so.

I breathe in

Possibilty

I breathe out

Fear

I breathe in

Pride

I breathe out

Shame

I breathe in

Honesty

I breathe out

Secrecy

I breathe in

Love

I breathe out

Hate

I breathe in

Friendship

I breathe out

Enemies

I breathe in

Brotherhood

I breathe out

Sisterhood

I obsess over one thing

Then another

And another

And another

Nothing stays

Nothing goes away

Nothing leaves

And nothing stays

I change and change and change

For what?

And why?

I don’t want to change anymore

Want to stay someone

Somebody

Someone else

Want to be myself

But not

Want to live

But die

It’s over

And not

I am gone

And here

Who am I ?

In all of this?

I don’t want to ask

For help

I don’t want to

Grow up

I don’t want to stay a child

I want to die

And live

And go away

Forever

And come back

Over and over and over again

I am lost

In my own brain

Gone

Forever and always

And staying

Here

Forever and always

Mistakes

And

Heartbreaks

Love

And

Home

Trying

Over and over and over again

Still here today

Not gonna die

Stronger

Faster

Better

Who am I in all of this

Coming home

Again

And again

And again

Love

For all the people I know

Love for myself

Forever and always

Where am I

Where are we

Gone forever

I will never get back my childhood

I will never get back my past.

The same mistakes.

The same heartbreaks.

I have isolated myself.

I have destroyed my future.

Out of the fear of failing it.

Trying sucks.

Trying the wrong things sucks.

I am too far gone now.

I am someone who can be helped

But my contradiction

And my violence against myself is unbearable

I use myself as a tool

To get what I want

But I am wrong

And I will forever be wrong

When will I be right again?

I will forever be snippets

Found everywhere

In Books I read

In blogs I kept

On notes

In calculations

I will forever be a journey

Of contradictions

And violations

Of my principles

I will forever have

Standards too high

Friends enough

Questions too much

My idealism

Is killing

My confidence

I am and am and am

Still

Though

Suicidal thaughts

Never seem to

Go away

I am as my dog

Going from one place to another

Over and over and over again

Giving up

Forever

And always

Sitting around

Waiting to get help

Fearing life and fearing not getting help

The idiocy of our decisions

Beating ourselves up

The questions

Remaining

As to why

We stopped

Loving everything

And anything

Being gone

Hating ourselves

Not having a reason to live anymore

If once and for all

There is only one thing I want to experience again

And that is just cuddling with you

But it doesn’t solve anything

Doesn’t solve

My lost reasons

My lost picture of myself

How gone I am

And how I am afraid of life itself

Yet I don’t want to die

But it’s the only option

Right?

I don’t believe that

But I am caught in the middle of not wanting to die

But not wanting to live

For what?

In this world of war and uncertainty

In this world of hate

And disconnection

I am not strong enough anymore

Too much happened

Too many things went wrong

And still

I am only a part of myself

I am too scared

For this

I feel like this is over now

Sooner than later

I need help and I don’t want help

The contradiction of reality

I live in

Lost in this big wide world

I don’t want to rely on anyone

Yet I need to rely on everyone

I want to feel miserable

Yet I want to find a way out of this

I feel like I am just faking how bad I am feeling

Yet I feel like no one understands how bad I am feeling

The contradiction of the believes I hold is unbearable

The positivity is gone

I don’t want to fight to live in a broken world

Yet in its brokenness lies a certain beauty

I don’t want to read peoples emotions

I don’t want to interpret peoples emotions

I feel like how I view myself is keeping me distant from everyone else

I don’t believe that I can be helped

Yet I know and hope so

Everything at once

Gone

Forever

The times

When energy

Was an endless resource

And taking care of others kept me alive

But now

Nothing is ever enough

And nothing will ever be enough

I hope it will get better

Yet I don’t believe it will

I don’t want to hope

For my dreams to crash

Now I am the problem

The people I looked down on

I now can understand them

A little bit better

My self hatred is as big as it never was before

The reasons are gone

Just to live for your hugs

Is not an option

But maybe a beginning

Of a reason

Reason 1: Your hugs

Whatever

It’s stupid to resolve my world around your hugs

I didn’t even tell you what really happened

I feel so ashamed

I feel like I am not allowed to feel bad

I feel like it is all my fault.

I feel like I ruined this incredible chance I had

I feel like all of this is just my fault

And thus I am the problem

But your hugs are immaculate

Being cuddled in your arms

Is a reason to stay

I am sorry

That I am miserable

And not doing anything against it

Well my fault

Forever

Do you ever realise that you also have the chance to change things or learn out of things?

A fault isn’t a fate.

But as long as my brain is beating me up.

For every little small and big thing

There is only one reason to stay:

Your hugs

Being responsible for myself is yet freeing yet scary.

The contradiction of my existence.

Insecurity is at the start of change.

Right now

There is just

Being tired

And feeling alive.

You know

I love this place

And I need more time

I love some bits and pieces

And I wanna make them mine

I want to find the people I enjoy

I wanna stay and see how it goes

And at the same time

I am frustrated

Restless

I feel lost

I don’t want to study

I want to mourn

The life I could have had

If I wouldn’t have the life I have

This time my body keeps me alive

But I am so so tired

I can’t really sleep

Yet my heart is pounding

Heavy in my chest

The anticipation of change

Like I am moving

And the world is moving

But I don’t feel like the right parts of me are moving

But maybe they are

Life is not a straight line

And I am not straight

Yet the chaos is tiring

The feeling of never being able to do everything is tiring

I am now a person

Who isn’t that wonderkid anymore

I am now a person who is struggling

In a thing I never struggled with

This world

It‘s not for me

Nor am I for it

But my strength

Leads me to staying here

And now I understand

That something is near

The emptiness faded

My brain is lost

Will I ever stop feeling like

The world never stops

I am gone

Forever now

I don’t know

What to do

The constant changing is tiring

And I just don’t want to move

Anymore

I am done

With this

I wanna give up

Let me have a heart attack

Or let me survive

This is not responsible

The issue here is

That the fear of failing is keeping me from trying

There is no reason

No reason

No reason

But what I really wanna convince myself of is that I don’t care

Don’t care

I feel too much

And I am scared of it

So I stay away

And don’t go.

I am scared

Of what I don’t know

I don’t want to continue

To live in a world

Where I have to fight myself

To survive

Where I have to strive

To feel like I am worthwhile

Thank you for not staying silent

Thank you for your answer on here

From a long time ago

Maybe it is too much to ask

Can you help me again?

I feel lost and insecure

But I also fear

To not feel that way again

Because everything changes

At a pace

I can’t keep up with

And things I once enjoyed

Just feel mute

What is this

I run from it

Gone

In the world

Wrong

I can’t swerve anymore

I have to face

The reality

The truth

But I just wanna run

One day I’m fine

The other I’m not

Everything feels like

It’s my mistake.

My fault

Will it ever change?

Trying

Harder

Every day

Trying

Softer everyday

Trying and trying and trying

Using energy

Reusing energy

Feeling too much

And not enough

Just trying to function

But it doesn’t work

The walls are up again

It’s back an forth

Unsteady

One day smiling

One day hiding

Running away

And coming back

Again

And again

And again

And again

Feeling wrong everywhere

Feeling less wrong than before

Wanting to be seen

Wanting to hide

Wanting to run

This is so weird

I wanna run

And come back

And it costs so much energy

This inconsistency

And I want it to stop

But I don’t know

How to

Not hide

I don’t know

How to be myself

I know who I am

But not how to be me

I feel lost and insecure

And like repeating everything

That I ever said

Over and over and over again

I feel wrong

And right

And once again

Ambivalence

And I need

To be

Released

From this

Prison

Of back and forth

Can I just run forever

Or stay

I don’t know

It doesn’t leave my head

How weird it is

That I’m still here

Objectively everything is great

Subjectively I suffer

From a lot

I hate it here

And I love it here

Ambivalence

Bigger

Than ever

Before

There was a time

When I wasn’t

Now I am here

But it feels weird

Like I am not supposed to be here

And yet I am grateful to be here

Lost

Forever

In this

I can’t help but feel

Like it’s my fault

But it’s not

It will never be my fault

What happened to me

Or what happened

I can work on myself

But I don’t have to do magic

It’s still weird

To live

In a world

That I don’t really exist in

The way I am

Is not intended in this society

But it is in

Biology

Psychology

Me

I know that I exist

And still I often feel like I don’t exist in my every day life

It doesn’t work not to be out

But I also can’t force myself to come out of the shadows of my past

Lost

Insecure

Too soft

Too harsh

Too much of just functioning

Too less having fun

Never enough

Always too much

I am the contradiction

I am contradictory

Ambivalence

Forever

And maybe

Never

How

One day

Changes

One

Chance

One game

The feeling

Of belonging

Is so important

I wanna see

How

My life goes

I wanna see

How I can grow

I wanna live

And see

If I am right

If there is a chance

For you and me

To gently be

Exist

Without the fears

Of being a wrong

Person

How can you be wrong

I love your kindness

I love how you care

For people

I love

That you care

I love that you try

I love that you don’t give up

Try and get the help

Don’t fly away

I wanna stay

This is powerful

As today

What if we run

From the sun

To the moon

And exist

Here

We are

I love people

Sooo much

I mean

There are annoying ones

But mostly

They are kind

And sweet

And nice

And just want to connect

With each other

What if all those loud people

Are just lonely

And fear to be overlooked

Who is powerful

And who is not

I enjoy

This

And I hope

It continues

To inspire

Me

And in the end

We don’t even know

What’s wrong

What’s right

Who am I

In this world

Where there is only 2 options

I wanna run away

Faster than ever

I wanna fly away

What if we can’t run any more

What if we don’t use the energy for fear

But for determination

The nervousness in my stomach will not go away

I hate it here

Except I don’t

Can’t sleep

Can’t eat

Can’t think

It feels like it’s over

But really it’s the beginning

Who am I

In all of this

Sometimes I hate existing

Sometimes I‘m amazed I still exist

Sometimes I wanna run

Everything hurts

I will never get used to the jokes

To the fact that you’re joking about my life

You are just joking, right?

But it makes me wanna die.

It makes me wanna run away.

Running

Faster than the sun

Can burn

Your brain

If it’s a joke

Why does it hurt

I wanna go

Away

Again

Being with people

Mirroring your own insecurities

Will it ever get better

I don’t know

Maybe

And maybe

Not

Ugh

I hate

Being

At

This point again

And I wish

I decided differently

I wish I didn’t

Go here

At least

I would

Feel safe

And have people

To hug

Can we please

Stop feeling

So much shame

Feeling like it’s our fault

I am not ok

That is the truth

And I wish I was

But I am not

And I don’t know

If I‘ll ever be

Fear

Sadness

Anger

Disguises

What is joy

I just feel mute

Thank you for realising

That you are not ok

I don’t care

But I do care

I live

But I hit the brakes

Have you ever tried to cycle while hitting the brakes?

Yeah

That’s what it feels like

I just wanna run away

And come back

Over and over again

Because it’s easier

Than staying

Although

It takes

So much more energy

And all of my problems

Seem to much

And feel like

They are my fault

Anyways

Which they are not

But yeah