I'm Dead

I'm dead

Sometimes, Nico doubts that Marti is real. 

How can someone so soft, so shy and beautiful, looking up at him with sad brown eyes and lashes– and yet so full of unbridled personality and passion for the littlest of things truly be real? And how could he truly want to be here, in Nico’s bed, pilliowing his head on Nico’s chest? 

“How long have you been playing the piano?” Marti moves his head, making ure to glance up at him and then away in that self-conscious way that suggests that he’s still not used to the unguarded way they can be within these four walls. 

Nico furrows a brow, tracing the bit of skin between Marti’s nose and eyebrows, “How did you know I play the piano?”

Martino stiffens and Nico sits up in delight, “How did you know that, Marti?”

It’s clear that Martino is searching his mind for an answer, but there’s no need. Nico is already brimming with delight at the obvious answer. But still, he let’s him try. Marti narrows his eyes, “I.. you must have mentioned it?”

He boops his nose with the pad of his pointer finger and smiles at the way Marti’s nose twitches, “Nuh- uh. Try again.”

“There’s a piano in your house,” the boy nods with absolute confidence, “I just assumed.”

“You’re a fucking liar!” But there’s no heat to it. How could there be? Like he said before, there is only one obvious explanation for how he knows and if that explanation is true, it means that Nico isn’t the only one who’s spent weeks invested in a boy he hadn’t truly known. He wasn’t alone in the feelings. 

God how is this boy real?

The feeling of affection is overwhelming and the view of red splotching on Martino’s cheek is just as so. So he whispers, “I can play for you sometime. Anything you like. Or maybe something you’ve never heard before. I’m not good at composing, but I think that for you I might be able to.”

Marti glances sharply up at him again and parts his lips, “The way you say things. Like you’re always so certain.”

“Aren’t you certain?” Nico arranges Martino on his chest so that he would have a spare palm to brush his cheek with, “In this second of this universe. In this bedroom right now, aren’t you certain?”

Tumblr when they were removed by Apple from the App Store:

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This hit me like a train... Please read...

I’ve noticed a lot of people have a lot of questions about Niccolò having Borderline Personality Disorder, so as someone who suffers from BPD I thought I would attempt to explain a few things and share some of my personal experiences so that people may be able to understand it better. Reading a list of symptoms online is all well and good but it doesn’t really encompass what having BPD is actually like.

As a foreward, I just want to say that Borderline Personality Disorder is multi-faceted and like many other mental illnesses not everyone experiences the same symptoms in the same way. But in a general sense BPD is categorised as emotional instability (an alternative name for it is EUPD, Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder).

I’m going to tackle the mania first because that’s the topic everyone is having trouble with. In BPD we don’t experience what is termed “mania”, but our intense elevated moods and impulsive behaviour can be very extreme and can look a lot like mania. Bipolar and BPD share a lot of similaries and people are often misdiagnosed with the wrong one. It was suggested that I might be Bipolar before my BPD diagnosis. (Also important to note: you can actually have both.)

Nico’s mood yesterday was very extreme and I can understand why it confused people with his diagnosis. Generally those sorts of extreme mood are rare and caused by instability in relationships and sense of self/identity (almost all of Nico’s relationships are unstable, and his identity is distorted by not just his own mind but outside influences in Maddi and his mum). I have experienced very extreme elevated moods and impulsive behaviour. These are rarer than the less extreme euphoria that happens more often. But it does happen every so often. I have booked flights and trips that I cannot afford on a whim; I have gone out drinking alone (something I would ordinarily never do) and talked senselessly to strangers; I have wracked up an incredible amount of debt; I have made grand plans that are impossible to accomplish but seem perfectly reasonable at the time; I have gone wandering about in the middle of the night for no reason at all; I quit my job because it was making me miserable and instead of finding another job I moved to another country (which turned out to be a good experience but the decision was made out of pure impulse).

Those are just some of the things that I have experienced when my mood has hit extreme elevation. And all of this can happen very quickly. Part of the reason Nico wasn’t showing many signs of what was to come is because with BPD our moods swing rapidly. And I mean rapidly. You can feel absolutely fine and then within moments you can slump and you want to die. Or you suddenly feel energised and euphoric and literally anything seems possible. This was evident in Nico’s elevated and often nonsensical chatter. These moods can last anywhere from a few hours to days. Also, alcohol and drug use amplifies these moods a lot.

And with BPD generally comes dissociatian, which added to the mix can be disastrous. When you dissociate you typically experience a complete disconnect from reality. Nothing feels real. It’s the most difficult sensation to explain. It can cause a severe loss in sense of reality, identity and memory. For me, it’s been incredibly dangerous. Because generally my mindset is: “Nothing is real so what does it matter if I go to Germany tommorrow with no money?” Or “What does it matter if I walk into this traffic?” Sometimes when I dissociate I construct an entirely new self.

If you’re dissociative and euphoric it’s a minefield. It doesn’t matter how reckless or ridiculous something is because nothing is real anyway. “I’m not real and the world is not real. It doesn’t matter what I do.” We clearly saw this distorted perception and complete loss in sense of reality in Nico when he was in the streets of Milan naked. Also Nico asking Martino to marry him a la Love Actually could be due to his own lack of identity (often when we construct new identities we mimic characters in film or television). It’s likely Nico won’t even remember most of what he did and have to hear it second-hand. Which, let me tell you, is absolutely horrifying to have to hear; I remember my mum telling me what I did the next morning after she had to come and pick me up in the middle of the night because I went AWOL and didn’t come home.

Finally, one of the main symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder is a crippling fear of abandonment. We will do almost anything in our power to avoid abandonment. This usually presents itself in two different ways (or it alternates): 1. We make frantic and obsessive efforts to prevent it (e.g. sending constant texts or calls to people), or 2. We emotionally withdraw and isolate ourselves in order to avoid inevitable abandonment. I’ve experienced both of these but generally I experience the latter more. Nico also experienced the latter (ignoring Marti’s messages and shutting him out so as not to have to deal with Marti eventually abandoning him). Nico also alternated with the former (sending Marti drawings, driving to Bracciano when the threat of abandonment became real). Also, side-note: Nico learning the entire Quran for a boy he liked can be attributed to BPD too. We tend to go to extremes for the people we attach ourselves too (again to avoid abandonment).

His relationship with Maddelena also makes a lot of sense in the context of BPD. We can often experience intense rage and anger towards people we perceive to be smothering us. Nico clearly felt smothered by Maddi which led to an incredibly unstable love-hate relationship (very common in BPD, you can love someone one minute and despise them the next). No doubt Nico went back to Maddi after Marti spoke negatively about mental illness because it felt familiar and there was less risk of abandonment. He probably also doubted his own feelings. It’s incredibly difficult to discern whether what you’re feeling is really you or of it’s the BPD. Maddi and Nico’s mum are particularly damaging in this respect because they actively try to convince Nico that it’s all his illness instead of letting him figure it out for himself.

Nico’s feelings for Marti are very clearly real and I think part of what caused the impulsive behaviour and the extreme elevated mood and dissociatian was people trying to smother him and tell him that it was all in his head. Because that generally causes a very extreme reaction and disconnect. Nico needed to get away from his reality at home so badly that he completely disconnected himself from it and attempted to create a new one where he and Marti were the only two people in the world. Nico didn’t see any issue in running around the streets of Milan naked because in his dissociative distorted version of reality there was no else left in the world but him and Marti (note his repetition of “It’s just you and me”).

I will end this here because this ended up a bit of a novel. But if anyone has any questions about BPD please feel free to ask. It’s a very misunderstood disorder and I am really grateful to Skam Italia for shedding light on it because we are almost never recognised in media.

So... My room is pink... And this definitely would look awesome on it's walls!!

Minutt for minutt ↴

🌸  Isak and Even surrounded in Pink  🌸

When people repost your art in their own gallery and ask their followers to rate the drawing out of 10

:) please. Fucking learn some manners.

No maaaaa!!! Todo, TODO lo relacionado a Tsunade está flaggeado!!! Wtf Tumblr!!!

@staff