Reblog If You've Been Hurt By Your Ex So Bad That It Affects Your Relationships From That Point Onwards.

Reblog if you've been hurt by your ex so bad that it affects your relationships from that point onwards.

Your Harry Potter OTP as things my parents have said to each other

Jily:

Dad: damn, who pissed in your wheaties?

Mom: is that a euphemism or a legitimate question? Because I know the answer to both would be you

Dramione:

Mom: (snorts at something on her phone)

Dad: why did you just snort?

Mom: I don’t know I was just being stupid

Dad: shouldn’t you be snorting all the time then?

Scorbus:

Mom: (Mariah Carey voice) ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMASSS… ISSSSS…

Dad: my two front teeth? Wait

Wolfstar:

Mom: i like your butt.

Dad: I like YOUR butt.

Mom: this is why we are an example of a good marriage.

Flintwood:

Dad: did you change the wall color? When did our walls become blue?

Mom: I painted these walls two years ago. Did you even notice that there were walls in the first place?

Dad: only the ones you put up to block me out :(

Linny:

Mom: I love you.

Dad: you smell. But I love you. And your smells.

Pansmione:

Dad: a navy pilot drew a dick in the sky with a plane!

Mom: stop saying the word dick we’re in a public place

Dad, louder: A NAVY PILOT DREW A PENIS IN THE SKY WITH A PLANE

Drarry:

Dad: Come look at this meme!

Mom: what’s a meme?

Dad: The Answer to that question is

divorce

Romione:

Mom: just because you read something about the government on the internet online doesn’t mean it’s true.

Dad: that’s just what the government lizard-people are brainwashing you to think.

! This is so hot, the green nails !!

Dumbledore: You seem to be spending a great amount of time with that Slytherin student—Malfoy.. I was wondering if.. perhaps..

Harry: Malfoy? No, no, of course not.. We’re just friends.

Please de not repost or edit. Reblogs are allowed.

My babies ♥

“Our paths diverged a long time ago.“

Heeeey, Heey Baby! (Hu, Ha!)

I felt like you deserved to read something funny again as I’ve only been writing angst and porn lately. If you don’t know the Hey Baby song by DJ Otzi yet…I don’t even know what to say. It’s iconic. Go listen.

Draco was sleeping. Deeply. Blissfully. He was warm and content. Comfortable. 

Unfortunately, he was also very unwillingly waking up. His mind was slowly becoming more and more aware of the faint tap followed by an even softer plop that sounded against his window every now and then.

He opened his eyes. An even louder tap sounded against the window accompanied by the sound of two muffled male voices coming from somewhere below the balcony. The owners of the voices obviously thought they were being quiet judging by the stage whisper quality of the sound. Whispers my ass, Draco huffed. They would wake a basilisk from its sleep.

He got out of the warm embrace of the bed and grumpily put on his nightgown. If it was that village drunkard with his equally inebriated friend again, he swore he’ll be calling the Aurors on them. Enough was enough.

He strode to the balcony door, opened it and stepped out into the warm summer night air.

‘’What in Merlin’s mighty melon sized balls is goin – ‘’

He stopped mid his own stage whispered yell as his gaze fell to a very tall, very red haired man who was only staying upright because he was supported by a very familiar black haired, brown skinned, bespectacled idiot. Said idiot was simultaneously holding the stumbling redhead in place and trying to pick up another stone from the ground. Presumably to throw it at the window again.

Draco sighed heavily as he leaned against the railing defeated. There will be no need to call the Aurors; two of them were already here and if the law was to be acknowledged they’d have to arrest themselves.

‘’What the hell are you two doing under the bloody balcony in the middle of the night?’’

Instead of getting a comprehensive response, Harry upon noticing him shook Ron wildly and pointed in Draco’s direction whispering ‘’Ohmigod, Ron. He’s here.’’ His eyes were wide and his outstretched hand unsteady. Draco opened his mouth to say something, but before he could get anything out, he heard Potter mutter ‘one two three’ under his breath waving his hand downwards on the count of three as he puffed hi chests out, opened his mouth and practically screamed ‘’HEEEEY, HEEY BABY!’’

‘’HU, HA!’’ Weasley helpfully bellowed. Apparently, he was taking over the role of a backup singer.

Draco was taking over the role of a martyr.

‘’I WANNA KNOOOOOOOW IF YOU’D BE MY GIRL.’’ There, Harry stopped abruptly looking confused. He turned to Ron, who was still singing ‘hu, ha’ under his breath and shouted ‘’NO!’’ directly at his face.

Weasley made a face ‘’Wha-?’’

Wide eyed and disappointed Harry responded ‘’Rooon! ‘S wrong, the song. He’s not a girl! Ohmigod, you think he’ll hate me now?’’ He looked on the verge of tears. ‘’I don’t want ‘im to be my girl Ron. I want ‘im to be my boyfriend.’’

Draco wondered exactly how many gallons of beer accompanied by stronger shots were needed to bring them both to this state.

‘’Potter!’’ he shouted. ‘’I’m right here and I can literally hear every word you say!’’ Harry’s eyes widened even more while Weasley continued looking completely unfazed. In fact, Draco was contemplating whether Weasley had even noticed him yet.

In that exact moment Ron’s mouth fell wide open and he looked like something really brilliant dawned on him. Draco feared for what was coming next.

‘’Haaaary! I fixed it! I fixed it!’’ he looked so happy Draco couldn’t even begrudge him what came next. Ron tilted his head upwards and started singing at the top of his voice ‘’HEEEEEY, HEEY BABY!’’

‘’HU, HA’’ Harry said with such vigour he swayed dangerously.

‘’I WANNA KNOOOOOOOW IF YOU’D BE MY BOY?!’’ He turned to Harry presumably in hopes of him recognizing his brilliance.

He wasn’t disappointed; Harry’s mouth fell open and he gasped in awe ‘’Ohhhh! Ronnn! You fixed it!’’ They then looked at each other knowingly and turned to face Draco in unison.

Uh, oh.

‘’HEEEEY, HEEY BABY!’’

‘’HU!

‘’HA!’’

‘’I WANNA KNOOOOOOOOOOW IF YOU’D BE MY BOOOOY?!’’

Then they suddenly stopped. Apparently the song either ended there or they didn’t know the rest of the lyrics.

Or neither of the above, Draco realized as he noticed Harry looking up at him full of endearing hope smiling expectantly and quite clearly awaiting an answer. Oh dear Merlin, he was wooing him.

Draco’s head dropped onto his forearms resting on the railing. There was some scuffling below him and he heard Potter demand quietly ‘give ‘em to me’. He raised his head and behold: In his hands, Potter was clutching what had to be the ugliest most unfortunately rumpled bouquet Draco had ever seen in his life. In fact, it looked very much like lettuce with a few giant roses included in the mess.  

Draco narrowed his eyes. Those roses looked suspiciously familiar.

‘’Harry…’’ he said with wariness in his voice, ‘’where are those roses from?’’

A dark hand carefully pointed in the direction of the neighbour garden. Draco’s regard followed the line of the pointing finger towards the exact rosebush he most feared the flowers came from. The bush was all bent and rumpled. It looked exactly as if two grown men had just fallen into it. Draco closed his eyes and counted to ten.

‘’Harry,’’ he said as calmly as possible, ‘’you do realise those are Mrs Prickletosh’s roses?’’ there was a definite strain in his voice. ‘’You know, the lady who talks to her rose bushes as if they were her only love in the world and has actually hexed children for smelling them.’’

Harry’s eyes went wide with fear and he looked around wildly while Weasley stilled completely as if smelling trouble.

Potter looked up at him and with a tremor in his voice softly said ‘’Oh shit. Your neighbour is Mrs Prickletosh too?’’

‘’Bloody hell!’’ Draco shouted throwing his arms in the air not even caring who heard anymore. ‘’POTTER! YOU FUCKING LIVE HERE!’’ Harry’s jaw dropped open as Draco continued ‘’We’ve been together for years, you tit.’’

Harry just stood there for a second, jaw open and tears of wonder in his eyes, then he grabbed an extremely confused Ron around his midriff, lay his head on his chest and proceeded to sob into it. ‘’Ohmigod, Ron. He already is my boyfriend. He already loves me.’’

Draco rubbed at his temples tiredly, but he couldn’t deny that his heart skipped a beat at Harry’s mention of love. Love him he did. Stupidly, unexpectedly, preposterously and – unconditionally.

Harry was still sobbing into Ron’s chest as Weasley awkwardly patted his back muttering something like ‘why you crying ‘bout love, mate’.

Draco ‘s lips cured up into a warm smile.

‘’For Merlin’s sake, get your two sorry asses inside, you tossers.’’

Do you know any Drarry one shot which are also very smutty?

Eighth Year

Slip into my Lover’s Hands (lumosed_quill, 6k): Harry and Draco shagfor the first time in the Prefects’ Bathroom, and it’s absolutely lovely. 

Draco Malfoy is NOT Attractive & Harry Potter is an Arrogant Prick(sophiefrench77, 6.5k together): Harry and Draco find themselves increasinglydrawn to each other, despite their protestations to the contrary.

An Old Habit (fireflavored, 9k): After seeing aleather-clad Draco at Platform 9 ¾, Harry sneaks into Draco’s compartment onthe Hogwarts Express. 

How to Handle an Enemy & Turnabout is Fair Play(who_la_hoop, 18k together): The Slytherins play Truth or Dare, and Draco getsin over his head. Like all good Slytherin games, it’s replete with emotionalmanipulation and epic wankfests.

The Flame (GoldenSkies, 2.5k): After being told to do more things forhimself, Harry starts sleeping with Draco.  

Draco at Nineteen (birdsofshore, 5k): Draco’s turning 19 andis going through a rough time of it, so future Harry (who’s dating Draco) usesa time turner to visit him on his birthday and help him… relax.

Simulacrum & FindersKeepers (slashpervert, 8k): Draco decides to make a replicaof his cock (that’s linked to him, so he feels what it feels) and sends itanonymously to Harry. 

Hate Sex

Anger Management (jad, 3k): Harry and Draco are both stuck inGrimmauld Place, and their fighting and propensity to shove each other againstwalls has a most satisfying conclusion. 

Hurt for the Right Reasons (traintracks, 4.5k): After getting into afight during a Quidditch match, Harry and Draco have angry shower sex.  

Wands Away (lumosed_quill, 3k): During Auror training, Harry and Draco’shand-to-hand combat proves to be a little too stimulating.

Public Sex

Harry Potter is a Dirty Exhibitionist (@eidheann, 13k): Draco and Harry starthooking up all over the place: under the stands at Quidditch matches, the workshowers, china cabinets, and so on.  

Rather Than Love (birdsofshore, 7k): Dracogives Veritaserum to Harry (with his consent), then asks him to discuss their love life in front of strangers. 

It’s the Love of the Chase (That Created theRide) (lumosed_quill, 14k): Harry and Draco are Auror partners and find that the adrenaline rush of theirmissions translates quite nicely into other domains. 

In the Toilet of the Leaky (marguerite_26, 3k): The title says it all:Harry and Draco shag in the toilet of the Leaky Cauldron. 

The Risk of Exposure (marguerite_26, 6.5k): After inadvertently findingout that Harry likes exhibitionism as much as he does, Draco begins popping upall over the place and encouraging Harry to put on a show.

Perverse but Lovely (traintracks, 1k): Harry and Draco start off heir day right with a quick, dirty shag in the Ministry bathroom. 

Enjoy the Show (Judgment, 3k): Harry had only come to thelibrary to study. It’s not his fault that Draco chose to sit across from himand start to wank. 

Hung!Drarry 

Hung Like a Horntail (lumosed_quill, 2k): Draco becomes obsessedwith Harry’s cock and will not rest until he’s tested it out thoroughly. 

If the Cock Fits (tryslora, 6k): Draco got drunk and lost hisvirginity to the “perfect cock,” and is now plowing his way through Wizardingsociety to try to find it again. It’s like the dirtiest version of Cinderellaimaginable. 

Endowment (@dictacontrion, 11k): Featuring a hung!Draco who’s preparingHarry most carefully for his cock. How delicious.  

Unbuttoned (eidheann, 6k): Under the guise of needing help picking out agift for Narcissa, Harry takes Draco out on a date and then musses him up. 

BDSM Fun

Sex, Lies, and Veritaserum (lettered, 18k): Draco spikes their wine with Veritaserum so they have to speak openly abouttheir deepest, darkest fantasies. 

Rough Magic (birdsofshore, 28k): Draco’s magic is goingwild, and Harry finds himself unable to resist getting swept up in its feral,primal energy. 

Unknown Pleasures (birdsofshore, 8k): Harry is a bit startledwhen he walks into the Room of Requirement and is greeted with Draco and wallsof sex toys. Startled, but intrigued. 

Tease (Viridescence, 3k): Draco’s been teasing Harry all night, soHarry decides to punish him most deliciously.   

Making a Politician Shut Up: ALover’s Guide(Lokifan, 7.5k): Harry helps Draco unwind from his day with the help of gagsand spanking.

Established Relationship Sexiness

Remote (Sara Holmes, 7.5k): Harry and Draco’s fightover the remote has quite the happy ending (technically, they’re roommates and not boyfriends here)

Pharynx-Larynx-Oesophagus-Trachea (firethesound, 11.5k): When Draco has tostudy for an anatomy exam, Harry is quite eager to give him some hands-onexperience. 

Because He Wants To (gracerene, 2k): A beautiful example ofpraise kink and how powerful it can be, especially for Harry and Draco.

Three Potters (Faith Wood, 2k): Draco uses a PatentedDaydream Charm to shag three Harrys at once. So it’s a Draco/Harry/Harry/Harryfoursome. Aw yeah! 

Afternoon Delight (harry_holidays, 4.5k): They decide to take advantage of Harry’s empty flat byshagging in the kitchen.