Oh No Im A Villain. Im A Horrible Horrible Bad Villain Who Kills And Stuff . I Think I Need A Sorcerer

Oh no I’m a villain. I’m a horrible horrible bad villain who kills and stuff . I think I need a sorcerer to come get me omg…

oh no they’re gonna sexyman the hell out of this clown

Dazai: What's up, guys? I'm back. Fyodor: What the- you can't be here. You're dead. I literally saw you die. Dazai: Death is a social construct.

H I M

SOBER THOUGHTS, satoru gojo

drunk!!satoru gojo x fem!!reader summary: Satoru Gojo stumbles into y/n's house at 2 in the morning shit-faced leading to some untimely late-night confessions. tw!! mild swearing, drunk gojo, steamy scenes? nothing too serious don't worry!! alcohol abuse, FLUFF (like a shit ton of it). Over 3,000 words :))) notes: I'm so fucking obsessed with this man how do I make it stop?!

y/n shakenly stood from her warm bed, pupils the size of peas as she reached into her bedside drawer to pull out a handgun she kept hidden there.

It was 2 in the morning and she had been awakened to the sound of the handle on her front door rattling. At first, she tried to ignore it- her front door is locked so she shouldn't have to worry about anyone getting into her home.

But then she heard the turn of her lock and the sound of her squeaky front door being pushed open.

She had hoped that she would never have to use the handgun she kept in her bedside drawer. She still didn't plan on using it on the intruder- she was simply going to scare them away with it.

Gritting her teeth, she crept down her stairs- gun drawn. Her mind started to wander with the fear that maybe the gun wouldn't scare the intruder off. What would she do then? She definitely doesn't have the guts to shoot anyone.

She hoped that her instinct would kick in if something like that were to ever happen. She hoped that if it came down to it she would protect herself instead of just standing there like a coward.

Stumbling could be heard from her kitchen- only adding to the pooling anxiety in her stomach. The kitchen is the worst place an intruder could go- there are weapons everywhere in kitchens.

Gulping, she edged towards the kitchen, hands shaking. She paused for a moment to try and calm her nerves before turning the corner into the kitchen. If she wanted to be threatening she couldn't look terrified at the mere fact of holding a gun.

A determined look appears in her dark gaze and she steps to the side with the gun pointed at the intruder. However, she wasn't expecting the sight of a familiar figure going through her fridge.

"Wha- Satoru?"

No longer was adrenaline pumping through her veins as she locked onto who it was that was going through her fridge. The tall man flinched in surprise at her small voice, turning his head to look at her with a handful of candyfloss grapes in his hands.

The motion sensor fridge light barely lit up the kitchen but she could still catch the many details of his face. He wasn't wearing his usual black blindfold that concealed his striking blue eyes- instead, he wore his round-shaped shades. Due to this, his white hair hung down his face messily.

Despite that he still looked as beautiful as ever to her.

But even then, with the harsh hue of the fridge light- she could assess quite quickly that he had been drinking. A goofy smile appears on his face as he swallows a grape with a notable gulp.

"y/n!!"He exclaimed, shoving the remainder of the grapes into the fridge.

She sighed, her shoulders slumping as she dropped her arm that was holding the gun. The adrenaline disappears and she is reminded of just how tired she is. It's 2 in the morning and she had been working all day with little sleep- she should be sleeping right now.

"Why did I ever give you a spare key?"She grumbled to herself as she pinched the bridge of her nose in irritation. --"I could have shot you, Satoru!!"She exclaimed- setting the gun carefully onto her kitchen work surface.

He only scoffed and swatted a hand in the air as he walked towards her. --"Oh please- we both know the bullet wouldn't even touch me."He spoke through slurred words.

As he approached closer- she crinkled her nose up, getting a large whiff of the alcohol he had so clearly been abusing earlier in the night.

" 'missed you..."He purred as he stopped in front of her, slinging his arms around her shoulders and resting his forehead against her collarbone.

"How drunk are you?"She mumbled softly, lifting a hand to rest tentatively against the back of his head. She was worried. Gojo isn't a massive drinker, he barely drinks alcohol. In fact, he only drank it when he was upset or feeling vulnerable.

He hummed comedically against her shoulder and lifted a hand up in front of her face- his fingers pinching the air. --"Only a little."He responded.

A sigh leaves her lips and she lifts her hands to rest on his shoulders- pushing him back slightly so she can look at his face properly. --"Alright come on you big idiot."She mumbled, grabbing ahold of his wrist and tugging him deeper into the kitchen.

Satoru stood swaying on his feet as he watched her search her cupboards for something in particular. His drunken gaze looked her up and down, a fond smile growing on her face.

y/n was in her pyjama's. She wore a sky-blue baggy shirt that Satoru was certain was his. (He would often come over to watch movies with her if he had no one else to bother so her wardrobe was probably actually filled with quite a few of his shirts). Along with the baggy shirt she wore a pair of banana patterned pyjama shorts. Her long dark hair was messy and poofy with volume.

He thought she looked beautiful.

"You look pretty."He spoke suddenly as she had her head in a cupboard. Her eyes widened in surprise- surprised so much that she banged her head atop the cupboard with a bang.

She cussed at herself and pulled her head out from the cupboard- rubbing a hand against the top of her head as she glanced over to the drunk standing in her kitchen.

Not sure how to respond to that, she decided to ignore it and instead grabbed ahold of a plastic cup to fill it up with water. Clearing her throat, she turned to him and held the cup out for him.

He eyed the cup blankly.

"I mean it..."He mumbled to her, his gaze switching back to look at her. She swallows as his shades slip down the bridge of his nose a little, allowing his striking blue eyes to meet her dark ones.

A beat of silence passes them as her cheeks go red. Swallowing, she clears her throat again and pushes the cup of water into his hand.

"Drink."She demands. He eyes the cup in his hand for a moment- seeming to deliberate something in his mind for a moment.

"no."He finally mumbles, setting the cup of water onto the worksurface. y/n sighs and drags a hand down her face in irritation. --"Satoru-"

He cuts her off by pressing a hand to her mouth- her words coming out muffled. Her eyes widened in outrage as she slapped his hand away from her face.

"You did not just-"She snaps. But she goes completely silent when both of Satoru's hands suddenly pressed to her cheeks- his face moving incredibly close to hers.

Her heart paused- pupils dilating as his face got close to hers. Heat rushed to her cheeks and her eyes went wind at the invasion. Another beat of silence passed them as neither of them spoke.

"W-What are you doing?"She finally murmured, voice shaky with nerves. Gojo didn't answer for a moment, his adams apple bobbing slightly.

"needed you to stop talking..."He mumbled, his alcohol-infested breath fanning her face. His voice made her stomach do flips despite the disgusting breath he was currently harbouring.

His face then suddenly got even closer to hers- their noses basically brushing. She gulped notably, chest heaving slightly with nerves. His tongue slips out to moisten his lips as his striking blue eyes drink her up from behind his round shades.

And then he said something that was almost like glass smashing to y/n. Something that made her heart stutter in her chest. Something that made butterflies sprout in her stomach. Something that immediately woke her up from her previous sleepy deliriousness.

"I love you, y/n."

She shook her head softly but he kept a firm grip on her cheeks. --"And I know you love me too..."He continued as she continued to shake her head, tears sprouting in her eyes. With embarrassment or humiliation? She wasn't sure.

"No- you're drunk, Satoru.."She whispered, voice shaky as she tried to take a step back from him only for her back to meet the edge of her kitchen counter.

Satoru took the opportunity to cage her into the counter with his arms. --"m'yeah."He grumbled in response to her words- moving his face close to hers again. --"Why d'you think I have the guts to confess?"He slurred.

Her hands rested palm first against the cold worksurface, chest heaving as she stared up at him. She sank her teeth into her bottom lip to stop the quivering as he leaned closer- making sure she couldn't escape from his cagey embrace.

Part of her wanted to deny his claims but she didn't. She could never lie to Satoru. --"H-How did you-?"She stuttered out. neck going red with humiliation.

"Nanami told me..."He mumbled.

Nanami. That little shit-

y/n worked with Nanami back when he was still working for an office. She met Satoru not long after meeting Nanami because at that point he was still trying to convince Nanami to continue as a jujutsu sorcerer.

At the time, Gojo took a strange liking to her and exchanged numbers with her. They grew closer and he wound up telling her about the jujutsu world. Even after Nanami left to become a jujutsu sorcerer, she kept in close contact with both him and Gojo.

In fact, she kept in such close contact with Gojo that he would bring her back souvenirs from his missions if he was going far away. She even gave him a spare key to her apartment after he started complaining that he would sometimes have to wait ages before giving her the thing he brought back for her due to her busy work life.

After she gave him the spare key he started to leave the souvenirs either on her bed or kitchen counter, sometimes even leaving little handwritten notes to let her know that they were from him. (Despite her knowing they were from him- Nanami never bought her souvenirs like Satoru did).

"Was out drinking wi'him."He mumbled drunkenly, his voice starting to trail off slightly as he lifted one of his hands to pull his shades off, setting them on the counter beside her.

"you shouldn't drink so much..."She spoke in a concerned tone. --"y-you only drink when you're upset..."She mumbled, blinking up at him with worry.

Satoru was surprised she even noticed that detail about him. He rarely drunk around y/n enough for her to even notice if he was sad or happy. He truly never noticed how observant she was.

Fueled by his drunken state, he shrugged. --"was sulking over you."He mumbled the confession. Her eyebrows pull together in confusion, forcing him to elaborate.

"love you..."He whispered again, his eyes holding a certain exhaustion. --"Didn't think you felt...same."He slurred. suddenly leaning his head down to rest against hers.

"That's why Nanami told me..." he muttered- his crystal blue eyes staring into her soul. A pang of guilt hit her.

"You were drinking because of...me?"She murmured, heart sinking slightly. He hummed, leaning down slightly so that his lips ghosted hers. She flinches slightly in surprise.

"I love you..."He whispered again, his voice sending a shiver down her spine and making her momentarily forget about his alcohol-induced breath. --"Do you love me?"He muttered, despite already knowing the answer.

He just wanted to hear her say it.

A few tense seconds pass as she feels him close in closer to her- her back pressing into the edge of the counter. There was no escaping him.

"yes..."

That singular world was all the confirmation he needed to fully close the gap between them. His lips met hers in a desperate embrace, his hands moving from the edges of the counter to slide up her arms and to her face.

The second their lips touched, she held her breath- heart pausing with fright and anxiety. Satoru had wanted to kiss her for so long and he was making sure that she knew that by how fast his lips moved desperately with hers.

Slowly, her heart started to calm as it seemed to beat in synchronisation with his. And despite wanting to screw her face up at the taste of sake on his lips- she just couldn't bring herself to break from his embrace and instead slid her hands up to his white fluffy hair.

The once sweet kiss slowly started to turn heated as she lightly tugged at his white locks. A groan leaves his mouth, hands suddenly sliding down to her thighs.

A noise of surprise leaves her lips as she feels him suddenly pick her up into his arms, their lips disconnecting momentarily. He lifts her up onto the kitchen counter, parting her legs with his hands so he could stand between them.

Her chest started to heave again- this time from a lack of breath. Not that, that stopped her when he smashed his lips back onto hers. Heat rises to her cheeks in surprise when feeling his tongue start to poke around the space between her lips.

And against her better judgment- she parted her lips, allowing the pink muscle to slip into her mouth.

Satoru rested his hands on her hips, fingers bunching up the fabric of her shorts as he grunts. The addition of his tongue plus the grip on her hips has a soft moan coming from her- so quiet that Satoru barely even caught it.

The noise eggs him on. He disconnects their lips to press open-mouthed kisses to the naval of her neck. Short gasps leaves her lips as she feels him start to suck a bruise into her skin.

The pleasure she got from that move is what ultimately made her eyes widen as she suddenly remembered how they got into this whole situation in the first place.

"n-no.."She mumbled softly as Satoru continued to press wet kisses across her neck. She swallows and drops her hands to his shoulders so she can push him back lightly.

"Satoru you're drunk..."She mumbled, a little out of breath due to the making out. She wanted this to go further, obviously, but Satoru was still very drunk. He's not sober enough to consent.

"I know.." he mumbled, attempting to go back to kissing her neck. She shook her head and pushed him back again. --"No, honey- you're not sober."She mumbled softly- lifting her hands to rest on his cheeks- holding his head in place.

A short smile appears on his face. --"You called me honey..."He trailed off. Her cheeks heat as she shook her head in amusement. Her eyes go back over to the glass of water she poured him a while ago.

"How about you drink some water and you can crash here, okay?"She offers. He eyes her for a moment before leaning in and pressing a quick kiss to her lips- pulling back with a nod.

"Okay."

He took a step back, giving her the space to jump down from the counter. As he grabbed the cup of water she grabbed ahold of the handgun she had put on the counter.

She grabs his wrist and pulls him gently with her upstairs as he sips on the water. The second they are in her bedroom, she walks over to her bedside desk and hides the gun again.

Satoru watched her, a dopey smile on her face. --"Can't believe you own a gun..."He mumbled, taking another sip of his water. She shrugs and heads over to her wardrobe.

"Can't be too careful around here.."She spoke as she searched through the clothes that were hung up. Smiling softly, she spun around with a pile of clothes.

Satoru eyed the clothes and grinned. --"Y'know I sometimes only left clothes here so I'd have an excuse to come back."He confesses. He then furrows his eyebrows the second the confession leaves his lips.

She raises her eyebrows in amusement and walks towards him. --"That was very truthful of you."She spoke, snickering softly. He gets over the shock of his own words quickly and goes straight back to his cocky self.

"Yeah. Got to give you something to wear when you're missing me."He spoke, smirking. An affectionate smile appears on her face as she shakes her head and hands him the pile of clothes, taking the empty cup back from him.

"Y'know where the bathroom is."She stated, patting his shoulder. He hummed and moved past her. He suddenly paused and then spun back around to press an obnoxious kiss to her cheek.

y/n scrunched her nose up, lifting a hand to wipe at the slobbery kiss he had left on her cheek as he disappeared into the bathroom.

Now that she was alone- she took the moment to grin giddily and swat her hands in the air excitedly. Was this really happening? She lifted a hand to rest over her mouth- another hand on her hip as she grinned happily.

After a second, she calms her racing heart and walks over to fix the sheets on her bed. She wasn't sure why but she felt the need to make the bed look presentable despite knowing that the sheets were going to get messed up anyway.

As she's smoothing out the sheets- the bathroom door opens and out walks a yawning Satoru. She straightens up when she sees him, pupils dilating at the very sight of him.

His blue eyes lock onto her and he walks over to her. His rapidly approaching figure has her eyes widening in surprise as he suddenly wraps his arms around her and pulls her down onto the bed with him.

A laugh bubbles from her lips as he hugged her tightly against him- nuzzling his cheek against the top of her head. He groaned seconds late though as he feels his stomach do a flip at the sudden falling action.

"ugh, that wasn't a good idea..."He groaned to himself causing her to laugh softly and roll away from him. --"I'm going to get you some more water for in the morning, 'kay?"She told him softly as she stood to her feet.

Satoru rested his hands behind his head as he looked at her. --"You're coming back, right?"He questioned. A soft smile appears on her face as she nodded her head.

"I'll be back in a second."

She disappears from the bedroom leaving Satoru alone with his drunken thoughts. He had been alone in her bedroom before but this time it felt different. Everything was different now.

He took the opportunity to take in every detail of her bedroom like it was the first time he'd ever seen it. Her walls were coloured lilac with many photos of herself with family members littering her desks.

Her bedsheets were avocado patterned and her bed was filled with cushions and stuffed animals. Though his favourite part of her bedroom had always been the massive pin board on her desk.

The pin board was covered in tons of pictures of herself, Gojo and Nanami. Gojo had never been the jealous type but he wouldn't deny that he felt incredible knowing that she had more photos with Gojo than she did with anyone else.

"Right-"He snaps out of his thoughts as y/n walks back into the room, a tall glass of chilled water in one hand. A packet of pain killers and his shades (that he had forgotten to lift when going back upstairs) in her other hand.

"take two of these-"She waves the packet of painkillers at him with a soft smile, --"if you start to get a headache."She informs him, walking over to set the objects onto the bedside desk closest to Satoru.

Satoru smiled in response, feeling himself beginning to sober up as he took a few sips of the water she had brought him. --"I've been hungover before, sweetheart."He mumbled in amusement as she climbed into the bed beside him.

She lifts a hand to rub the back of her neck awkwardly with a short laugh. --"sorry..."She mumbled. He only shook his head and leaned back into the pillows, opening an arm for her.

This was the part she was actually least nervous about. She and Satoru had cuddled before- just never in this context. A soft sigh leaves her lips and she leans down to rest on his chest after flicking out the lamp.

They adjust their legs to pull the covers over their bodies, his arm wrapping around her shoulders as her head rested on his chest. A small chuckle leaves her lips.

"You're heart is racing, satoru..."She mumbled through the silence. --"that's because of you, darling."He spoke in a flirty tone leaving her to giggle in response and nuzzle her face against his chest.

Satoru sighs happily and leans his chin against the top of her head, silence falling over them.

"Goodnight, Satoru..."Her quiet tired voice spoke out, her arm wrapping around his torso in a tight grin. A soft sigh leaves his lips as he presses a chaste kiss to her head of hair.

"Goodnight, love."

Surprisingly, y/n fell asleep before Satoru did. His heart was racing too much for him to fall asleep. He didn't blame her for being so tired, though- he had woke her up early this morning with his drunken shenanigans.

His arm tightened around her as he smiled. He finally had her in his arms and he didn't plan to ever let her go.

One Piece Live Action: *Provides a whole cast of very attractive people*

Me: Hmmm...I love it but it's just not for me

Also One Piece Live Action: *Provides a hot clown bitch with a potty mouth who can chop himself up*

Me: That one.

One Piece Live Action: ..Are you sure-

Me: Yes. Yes I want that one.