Poly 141 Masterlist

Poly 141 Masterlist

AGELESS BLOGS AND MINORS WILL BE BLOCKED.

Silver Tongues, like Bullets - Trusting four men in the forest when you were lost was possibly the stupidest thing you could have ever done. Now you find yourself scrambling to escape their clutches. (Dark)

Christmas scenario - Poly 141 are fighting for your attention, they're trying to get you to notice they want to be with you romantically not that you notice. (Fluffy but suggestive language)

Mistletoe Kisses - second part to the above drabble.

Mistletoe Kisses - third part to the above drabble.

Sleepy - Price, Ghost and Gaz find you on your way to murder Soap (not literally).

Sick - What the men are like when sick (not poly)

Vampire au idea - Centuries have passed since Price had turned into this?..this? this monstrosity..Along the way he gathered companions to lesson the weight of time. Men like him, men that were on the brink of death, men that still had so much to live for. Men he couldn't dare to leave behind on the battlefield. By the 21st century he had his little taskforce. His boys, his lovers, his family but someting was missing. What could it be?

Dividers by @cafekitsune

Copyright © by ethereal-night-fairy. 2023. All Rights Reserved. Writing not permitted for reposting, transcription, translation or use with AI technologies.

♪ — 𝗕𝗔𝗕𝗬, 𝗟𝗢𝗢𝗞 𝗠𝗬 𝗪𝗔𝗬 kimi räikkönen x fem! photographer! reader (fluff) “. . . you try to capture kimi's smile but you capture his heart instead.”

( main masterlist ) ( requests )

joining formula one

Bustling. That's what he'd describe the track on such a day. Pushing through the people, Kimi didn't have the patience and to stop and apologize. You didn't neither, but you still repeated the same phrase trying to squeeze through the crowd with a polite smile.

You looked . . . Kimi was to busy watching to think about that. His eyes followed you as you clutched your camera, trying to frame a moment before your dead line. You had this . . . bubbly-like aura that kimi couldn't quite put a finger on. The way you smile and apologized, the way you helped give people directions or explain things even though your clock was ticking.

He's heard about you from his mechanics. The new intern who seems to be practically towing the joy and warmth sun behind wherever she goes. He had to agree with them on that, you sure were . . . something.

Click.

He was too concentrated to realize it was him you were pointing the lens at until it was too late. And he didn't like that. A bright smile made its way to your lips as you looked down at your product, proud of the moment you captured.

You looked up, ready to push yourself in the direction of where you last saw the Finnish boy, only to find him gone already. He'd walked away without sparing you a second glance.

★ ☆ ━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

"Kimi!" You tried to get his attention. Well you did, but not long enough for him to make eyecontact with the camera lens. You smiled nonetheless at your product. "Still no eyecontact?"

You yelped in surprise at the new voice only to relax upon realizing your new friend. "You know, I'd look in the camera and pose for you any time." Fernando Alonso said cheekily as he leaned his shoulder on the wall next to you, watching you blush as he gently held your chin.

Kimi did not like what he was seeing. Watching you pull away from Fernando, shyly brushing a strand of hair behind your ear. But why? Was it because he knew the Spaniard's intentions were only going to take away your innocence. Or maybe because he wanted to keep the joy you radiated all to himself.

You were aiming to get his attention after all. The only thought that now ran through his head was that he also wanted to see the pictures you took.

★ ☆ ━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

"BOO!" Kimi turned to look at you unamused as you tried to get his attention ( successfully ). A squeel rang through your throat as you jumped in place from excitement. Finally!

The sun was practically in your eyes as you stared at the new addition to your camera roll, feeling mesmerized by the beauty of a singular man. Unaware of his presence, Kimi stood behind you also staring at the pictures you took, putting a hand on his waist sighing deeply.

"I like this one." He pointed, pointing at the screen. You jolted surprised, looking up at the finish man with a shy blush. He raised an eyebrow waiting for you to reply or do something but you didn't. "Are you going to keep staring at me or . . . ?" He tilted his head waiting.

You could feel your face redden even deeper as you looked up at him. "I— I was thinking . . . You'd look way better if you took those of. Cause you know— you have—" You stuttered over your words as you gently reached and pulled his glasses off gently, staring deep in his eyes. ". . . Very pretty eyes." You found yourself whispering, like it was a secret.

Kimi hummed, titling his hear the other way, staring deep into your sole which only made you shrink and tense further. "I'll think about it." You couldn't catch it, but the smallest curl of a smile made its way to his lips as he took his sun glasses from you softly, his skin brushing against yours as he tool his leave.

God you loved Finnish men. Blond Finnish men. Blond Finnish men who drive fast cars. Blond Finnish men who were Kimi Räikkönen.

★ ☆ ━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

Kimi didn't like early mornings. At all.

He grumbled as he walked down the semi-empty paddock with his hands in his pockets. The sun was blazing brightly and he didn't like the new see through sunglasses.

Well, he didn't like them until he saw you sitting on a motor home's roof ( how you got up there he didn't think he wanted to know). He stood there, watching you swing your legs and hum a song's melody as you cleaned your disassembled camera.

He didn't want to interrupt you, but he also wanted your . . . attention? It took you a few moments to look down confused at the none moving human. All it took was your wide smile and laugh to make Kimi Räikkönen feel lighter and brighter as he waved up at you hello.

"You got new glasses!" You cheered, throwing your hands up happily. Oh how you loved his eyes. This would do nicely, you thought as you dismounted. You couldn't stop the giggles as you jogged to where kimi was standing waiting for you.

"Do I look camera worthy?" He chuckled, the smallest smile curving on his lips as he leaned a hand on his hand on his hip, tilting his head down for you to get a closer look.

"Camera worthy? I can get you an a magazine." You giggled happily, holding your hands together. The sun shone brighter and Kimi smiled all the way, gently ruffling your hair as he continued his walk through the paddock.

You found that smile on his face time and time again each time he noticed your camera pointed at him. He didn't bother looking away and smiled at you, watching you work and jump in excitement with each perfect shot.

★ ☆ ━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

He lost the glasses ( on purpose, but you didn't need to know that ) and shrugged about it when you asked about it. "It's better for you." He waved off, ruffling your hair and patting your back ( gently ).

You watched as he pushed power cameras and hid his face from them. But to your camera, he presented himself, posing even. Giving the smile that induced your own. The smile that was only for you, genuine and heart stopping. You were his designated photographer at this point. Not only in formula one but in commercials, marketing businesses, and third party events.

He was never that far from you, always by your side, watching you go through the camera roll from a top your head. You enjoyed the small smile and hearing his chuckle from behind you as you held up the screen to show a photo you personally liked. But he wasn't watching them, he was watching you.

You felt your heart flutter and face redden as he offered simple gestures. You'd often find Kimi brushing your hair out of your face or typing it in a loose ponytail, sometimes putting his team cap on your head during sunny days. The way he pulled you to walk under his umbrella when it rained or helped apply the sunscreen to your back when he invited you to out to his yacht in Monaco.

Kimi wasn't big with words or conversations, but you knew what he was asking you when asked you turn around. You felt him gently drape the expensive necklace around your neck with KR7 pendant, clipping it into place. You loved the soft smile that covered his face when he leaned down to connect your lips with his.

★ ☆ ━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

thank you, formula racing

"Kimi, love." You held his hand, pulling him still in his tracks. He gave his immediate and all of his attention to you. This was unusual. You weren't smiling or radiating your halo of joy and warmth. You were dragging along a cloud atop your head, with an uncertain and hesitant look.

Kimi didn't hesitate to cup your cheeks, turning you right and left and around, checking for injuries or bruises. "What happened? Whats wrong?" You closed your eyes, leaning into his soft hands that you've come to love so much.

"I— Remember that magazine photo shoot about 'Schumacher's nightmare'? I . . . I Got a job offer with hypercar. My boss is forcing me to go."

That was great news! Hypercar! Endurance races, night races, 24 hours of le mans! Porsche, Ferrari, McLarwn, Mercedes and more! More money and experience! Lots of new things! Different circuits and calender as well!

. . . different circuits and calender.

You didn't dare to open your eyes and see your boyfriend's reaction. But the way he ran his thumb across your cheek, you couldn't look away from his eyes.

He was stoic. The same way you saw him for the first time. Same way he didn't give a shit about anything outside you. You furrowed your eyebrows, silently begging him to say something.

But this was kimi we were talking about. His hands slowly pulled away from you, and if you closed your eyes, you could still feel him. He hesitantly and simply nodded, holding his hand out for you to shake.

You eyes teared up as you looked down at his open palm. You tried blinking your tears away as you shook his hand gently before watching him pull away and carry on with his previous task.

★ ☆ ━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

welcome home

"Kimi." You whispered. You missed his name on your lips. The quiet man snapped his head up at the familiar voice. Kimi found himself smiling widely upon finding your face, leaning his head on your hand. He could recognize your voice anywhere, in a crowded room after years of being apart.

The gaze in his eyes said everything as you waved a hello and he mounted back one to you. You weren't holding up your camera but Kimi still found himself looking and smiling at you.

You were still beautiful and innocent, your halo and warmth were still intact. Especially your smile, oh how he missed your smile. The way you made him feel, relaxing as he stared at you like a teenager in love. He hasn't felt this at ease in years, and he was glad you were back.

He didn't get the chance to catch you after the press conference, but he found you sitting on the balcony of his garage, legs swinging down the edge. He stood behind you, listening to you hum a melody as you looked at the pictures from today.

You must've been too into your little word to notice him crouched behind you, looking through your pictures with you. A soft smile on his face as he admired your concentrated face. "Baby," He held your chin gently turning you to face him. "Look my way."

Pink dusted your cheeks as you looked at him shyly. "Hi." You whispered barley loud enough for him to hear. "Hi." He glanced down at your lips, not giving it a second thought before leaning down upon seeing the necklace he's gifted you years ago.

⭑ LET HIM COOK BAKE ! ⭑

masterlist / rules / request & talk with me!

REQUESTED? ─⭑ Yes! (I lost the request so whoever you are, i hope you find this!)

SUMMARY ─⭑ Carlos loves to cook and bake. And with all of your recipes and help, he has achieved peak cooking and backing.He watches every video to see how your hands work their magic, how your smile wrinkles the corner of your eyes how charming you look in your new dress- but he definitely doesn’t also watch because you’re pretty. But how will things spice up once you finally gets invited to the Ferrari garage?

PAIRING ─⭑ Carlos Sainz x Cooking+Baking Influencer!Fem!Reader

WARNINGS ─⭑ google translated spanish, carlos being a fangirl, spelling mistakes

A/N ─⭑ it was requested as influencer, but what about a cook/baker influencer reader?? 😏 there won’t be a pt 2 to this fic, but i think we can tell how this would be :)

AND YES IK THE INSTA DM ISN’T WHAT WOULD HAPPEN BUT LET ME LIVE

Instagram

y/n_bakes ✔︎

liked by carlossainz55, sallysbakeblog, alexandrasaintmleux and others

y/n_bakes new recipe tried, and a new video up on youtube to make it with me! made soufflé pancakes and they are absolutely amazing! be sure to add some fruits if you can too! 🫐🥞

link to the video and recipe in my bio!

1,450 comments

alexandrasaintmleux it looks so good! can’t wait to see you sometime soon ❤️ 🍓

y/n_bakes me too lovely! (catching a train from nice to monaco rn) 🩵

user1 y/n and alex being friends heals my depression

user2 i aspire to be as pinterest as she is.

user3 she IS pinterest

user4 i need those pancakes inside me rn 😩

user5 THEY LOOK SO FLUFFY

user6 CARLOS SAINZ PANCAKES

user7 I THOUGHT I WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO NOTICED

user8 SMOOTH OPERATOR MENTION!!

user9 F1 MENTION WTF IS A RACE WITHOUT MAX VERSTAPPEN WINNING??? 🗣️ 🔥 🏎️ 🗣️ 🔥 🏎️ 🗣️ 🔥 🏎️

y/n_bakes …who’s carlos sainz..? 😓

user10 @ y/n_bakes YOU DON’T KNOW WHO CARLOS SAINZ IS?? THE FORMULA ONE DRIVER??? FOR FERRARI???

y/n_bakes …doesn’t ring a bell 😞

user11 y/n my love, sweetheart, love of my life, honey, sweetie…

user12 carlos because y/n doesn’t know who he is even though he follows her : 🥀💔😥😔⛓️🖤😈😭🔪🏴‍☠️

user13 i love how y/n is followed by the other wags then there is just carlos. 😭😭

user14 “oh… and he’s there too.”

YouTube

Twitter

Instagram

y/n_bakes ✔︎

liked by carlossainz55, lailahasanovic, carmenmundt and others

y/n_bakes had a amazing time today making a classic costrada de alcalá (requested by a longtime follower from spain)! video will be up today with the recipe 🤍 🍰

2,448 comments

user26 PLS GO TO A RACE OR SOMETHING, ANYTHING WE NEED A Y/N-CARLOS MEETING 😭🙏

user15 SPANISH PASTRY MENTION 🗣️ 🔥 🇪🇸

user16 how much do you guys want to bet that that follower was carlos 💀

user17 there is no need to bet it’s a known fact 😭

y/n_bakes ✔︎ how did you know?? haha

user17 WAIT WHAT

user18 STOP WHY IS NO ONE TALKING ABOUT HOW BEAUTIFUL SHE IS IN THE FIRST PHOTO 🥹

user19 carlos is foaming at the mouth because of this post

user20 banging his head into the wall

user21 kicking his legs and giggling 🤭

user22 ready to sign up to be her husband for 2025 rather than a team 💀

user23 @ user22 ENOUGH. 😭😭

user24 i need her to be in a ferrari video just to see how carlos would act

landonorris ✔︎ @ carlossainz55 this her?

user24 LANDO TAGGING HIM OMG 😭

carlossainz55 ✔︎ lando. what do you think you are doing.

landonorris ✔︎ @ carlossainz55 uhmmm helping my best friend out??? 🤨

landonorris ✔︎ @ y/n_bakes carlos here is your biggest fan

carlossainz55 ✔︎ HIJO DE PERRA

carlossainz55 ✔︎ BORRAR ESTO AHORA MISMO ANTES DE QUE ELLA VEA ESTO

y/n_bakes @ landonorris really? I’m so glad! tell him i say thank you for all the support and the wonderful recipe he sent in! 😊

user25 DID ANYONE ELSE SEE THE CARLOS COMMENTS TRHEAD BEFORE IT GOT DELETED BC Y/N RESPONDED??? 😭

iMessages

Twitter

Instagram

y/n_bakes ✔︎

liked by scuderiaferrari, charles_leclerc, carlossainz55 and others

y/n_bakes first ever f1 race! still no much to learn but i can’t wait to be back! 🏎️ 🏁

tagged ; scuderiaferrari, charles leclerc, carlossainz55

2,104 comments

user27 Y/N IN PADDOCK! REPEAT! Y/N IN PADDOCK! 🔥 🗣️

user28 still never getting over the romantic tension between her and carlos.

user29 THE FACT MOST OF THE FERRARI BOY PHOTOS ARE CARLOS 🥹

user30 considering how they interacted the msot out of the baking video they definitely are friends

user31 friends? I think you mean lovers 😍😍

user32 NO ESPECIALLY AFTER WHAT CARLOS SAID IN THE VIDEO??

user33 “If I win, I will take you out for dinner.” “Will you?” “I will. Promise you. A pinky promise” “I’ll hold you to it :)”

user34 THEY ARE SO WELIFHVLWIEFV

scuderiaferrari ✔︎ so happy you got to join us this weekend! can’t wait for some more goodies when you come again 😋 🍰

y/n_bakes ✔︎ i would always bring sweets for my favorite team!

carlossainz55 ✔︎ @ y/n_bakes what about your favorite driver? 😉

charles_leclerc ✔︎ @ carlossainz55 since when were you the favorite??

y/n_bakes ✔︎ @ carlossainz55 don’t worry carlos! I would always bring something for you! 🩷

charles_leclerc ✔︎ oh…

charles_leclerc ✔︎ Oh..! 😏

user41 carlos making his millennial moves??

iMessages

Instagram

carlossainz55 ✔︎

liked by maxvertsappen1, landonorris, y/n_bakes and others

carlossainz55 my best view 🌅

tagged ; y/n_bakes

2,947 comments

user35 WHAT IS THIS???

user36 bro is not holding back 😭😭

user37 bro is moving faster than the ferraris 💀

user38 he’s been waiting for this for 4 years ofc he’s wasting no time 😭

landonorris ✔︎ finally.

carlossainz55 ✔︎ don’t even talk to me about this.

user39 what did lando do bro 😭

maxverstappen1 ✔︎ exist

landonorris ✔︎ IM THE ONE THAT HELPED THEM FIRST TALK YOU ASSHOLE. WHAT DID YOU DO THIS ENTIRE TIME FOR THEM?? NOTHING. BUZZ OFF.

y/n_bakes ✔︎ not used to these kinds of dinners… but I can definitely get used to it 😊

carlossainz55 ✔︎ as long as I’m the one taking you out, yes?

y/n_bakes ✔︎ ofc! who else would i go to dinners with?

user40 i might throw up (of cutness)

y/n_bakes ✔︎ posted 1 minute ago!

liked by carlossainz55

y/n_bakes my kind of date 🍓 ❤️

tagged ; carlossainz55

3 comment

carlossainz55 ✔︎ vida mía ❤️ so happy that ferrari invited you (with my help of course) so that we were able to get to know each other. 😚

y/n_bakes ✔︎ so lucky to have gotten that invitation! i wouldn’t change anything in the world unless it meant meeting you earlier 🩷

landonorris let him bake.

The Ones to Watch from this 2004 F1 book… the world champions + Mark Webber yet again 😭😭

Poly141! | Mission Pixie Dust

Okay so... I was making up scenarios in my head as I was falling asleep last night and I made myself cry ... so I obviously had to share...

Poly141; the four men are your husbands and all deployed at the same time, leaving you home with your three kids at the beginning of the school holidays.

This turned out longer than I thought it would but I just had to write it out. I love Poly141 AND them being dads :')

Da = Johnny

Papa = John P.

Dad= Simon

Daddy = Kyle

School holidays had just started, and your three pups were buzzing as soon as they came home. Bags were thrown on the floor, school shoes unlaced and scattered around the shoe stand. They knew the rules, but first day of school holidays meant they were allowed to get a little wild.

Your oldest, Paesha, had just turned eight and her father was obvious. Thick curls, dark skin and warm brown eyes made it plain to see. But all your husbands loved her the same. In fact, she had a special bond with her Da (Johnny).

Malachai, your second, could have been any of the three other men's. Light brown hair, fair complection, and utterly/overly protective of his sisters. He had been born a year after Pae.

And your youngest, Felicity (known as Flick), had started her first year in big school. She was known for having exceptional blue eyes.

None of your husbands wanted a DNA test, they thought it useless because everyone treats the children with the same love, compassion and warmth.

Throwing your keys on the counter (Paesha picked them up and placed them on the hook). You rubbed the bridge of your nose and tried to quell the longing in your soul. You didn't know if it was worse when the kids were gone or with you. Being completely alone let the terrible thoughts attack but you didn't want your kids to miss out on having their fathers'.

Calming the oncoming tears, you turned around and asked, "who wants pizza for dinner?"

"YES!" Yelled Mal, a fist punched in the air. Paesha nodded her head enthusiastically while Flick did a little happy dance.

Paesha halted and squinted at you, "Not homemade right?"

After dinner arrived, the four of you sat on the large dark green couch. Your two ex-military dogs, Moth and Teddy, sat on either end of the lounge.

Turning onto the streaming service, you found the exact movie you were looking for. The 2003 version of Peter Pan.

With the lights off (except for the kitchen, the kids were still scared of too much darkness), you watched as one of your cats jumped into Pae's lap. Barnaby started purring instantly. His fluffy white tail settled around his body.

The seven of you settled in. Your four human babies snuggled up to their mama, smiles already on their faces.

When the movie had finished, your kids still wouldn't go to bed.

"Oh wait, I know why it isn't working - we don't have the pixie dust!" Flick pulled on your sleeve with a huge gap-toothed smile.

You had been watching as they jumped around the room. Lights flicked on, bodies flinging from one couch to another.

"I know! But ... we don't have any in the house..." You grumbled.

Paesha was staring dreamily at Peter Pan, a cheek resting against her face. "Where do we get some?" Her head turned slightly to look at you, her eyes nearly heart-shaped.

"Ugh-" god trying to keep childlike wonder alive was bloody difficult. Like a sign from the Universe, your phone started to ring.

All three kids ran over to it, knowing exactly who was calling at this time of night. Swiping the screen, four familiar faces popped up.

"Da! Papa! Dad! Daddy!" Smiling through the screen, the men had been just as eager to see their kids as their kids were to see them.

"Hello little munchkins, ya been good for mum?" Simon greeted first. His mask was off and no black could be found around his eyes. He never showed that side to the children.

"We're going to fly!" Flick chirped, her arms outstretched and running around.

"You're - what?" Price said with a slightly panicked face.

"But we need pixie dust," Malachai explained. Shaking his head like this was obvious information.

"I introduced them to the ... live action Peter Pan," you explained and a smile of regret grew on your tired face.

"Oh honey," Kyle replied, understanding the situation. He was the first of the men to.

"But we don't have any and we have to go buy more!" Pae said while leaning against you.

"Eh, pixie dust ...?" you heard Johnny mumble in the background.

"Oh! I have an idea!" You said with a faked expression, "why don't the Dada's get us the pixie dust!"

The chorus of cheers was heard throughout the house. Alerting the the tired Moth and Teddy.

Kyle shook his head. And Price's nose flared. Mum: 1 - Dads: 0.

"We'll bring back the goddamns finest," Simon said. You couldn't help but let out a small laugh.

"See! You heard Dad! Now get your butts' upstairs and in bed."

"Yes ma'am!" They said in unison (a nickname they'd heard their father's use one too many times.)

Once the kids were upstairs, your face dropped.

"I miss you guys," you whispered into the phone. The tears welling and spilling down your cheeks.

"We miss you too," John said, his words strangled with his feelings.

It was always hard to hang up.

It hurt.

But tonight's farewell felt like the hardest. You could just imagine how the scenario would've played out if their father's were there with them. With you.

'Can't always get what we want,' you thought bitterly.

"Not long now," Kyle said. You stared at his eyes and then his lips. God how much you wanted to kiss him.

"You better make sure you bring back some fucking pixie dust or there'll be a riot."

"Aye, Laswell definitely knows someone-" Johnny replied, giving you a wink. "Miss you gorgeous." He always tried to uplift the mood. And it nearly always worked.

You fought out of your misery, knowing the four soldiers couldn't bear to see you upset. And as they said their goodbyes, you said so in return.

"We love you, our precious wife. We'll all be together soon."

Couples Therapy

Lando Norris x Reader

Summary: let’s go to couples therapy and see how long it takes the therapist to realize we don’t know each other

You fidget nervously in the waiting room chair, tucking a stray strand of hair behind your ear. This has to be the most ridiculous first date idea ever …but then again, Lando was never one for convention.

The office door swings open and a smiling middle-aged woman in a cardigan beckons you both inside. “Y/N? Lando? I’m Dr. Ramanujan, please come in.”

Lando shoots you a mischievous grin and you can’t help but return it as you follow the therapist into her office. This is already off to a delightfully silly start.

“So,” Dr. Ramanujan settles into her chair, notepad at the ready. “What brings you two in today?”

You open your mouth but Lando beats you to it. “Well doc, it’s like this — Y/N and I have been together for five years now but things have gotten … sticky, you might say.”

You fight back a surprised laugh at his casual lie. Five years? You met this lunatic ten days ago.

Nodding solemnly, you play along. “Yes, unfortunately some issues have arisen that we haven’t been able to resolve on our own.”

“I see,” the therapist jots something down. “And what would you say is the primary issue troubling your relationship?”

Lando strokes his chin in mock contemplation. “You know, now that I think about it, we really struggle with intimacy.”

You splutter, cheeks flushing red. He did not just go there on a first date!

“We’re very passionate people,” he continues effortlessly. “But I think we both have some hang-ups that stop us from really connecting, you know?”

Clearing your throat, you decide to steer into the skid. “Yes, you could say Lando is quite … insatiable in that area.”

Dr. Ramanujan’s eyebrows shoot up but she simply nods. “I see, I see. And how does that make you feel, Y/N?”

“Honestly?” You shrug helplessly. “Exhausted. The man is completely relentless — it’s like he’s an animal sometimes!”

Lando clutches his chest in feigned offense. “An animal? That’s a bit much, don’t you think darling?”

“Don’t you ‘darling’ me,” you snap, pushing aside your amusement at the increasingly absurd situation. “I’m just calling it like I see it. We’re here for honesty, right?”

“Touché,” Lando turns back to the therapist. “Doc, maybe you could help us find … a compromise of sorts? Because my needs are evidently not being met.”

You scoff loudly. “Not being met? Lando, I let you do that thing with the-”

Mercifully, Dr. Ramanujan interjects before you can continue that train of thought. “Perhaps we could steer our discussion in a more productive direction? Intimacy issues often stem from deeper underlying problems within a relationship. Is there anything else concerning you both?”

Lando ponders this for a moment before snapping his fingers. “You know what? I think a big part of it is that Y/N doesn’t trust me.”

“I don’t trust you?” You echo incredulously. “That’s rich coming from you, Mr. I Flirt With My Teammate Constantly!“

His jaw drops perfectly. “You’re bringing Oscar into this? That’s a low blow, babe.”

“I’m not blind!” You shoot back, doing your best to ignore how silly you both must look. “I see how cozy you two get. Tell me there’s nothing there and I’m a fool!”

“Woah, woah!” Lando holds up his hands defensively. “Oscar and I are just good friends and teammates. Nothing more.”

You cross your arms stubbornly. “If you say so.”

An uncomfortable silence falls over the room. Dr. Ramanujan seems perplexed by your crazy banter.

Finally, she clears her throat. “Right. Well, it sounds like there are some potential trust issues at play here that we should unpack-”

“Oh I’ll unpack it for you, doc!” Lando interjects, real passion entering his voice now. “Y/N is massively, astronomically insecure about our relationship. She questions my faithfulness at every turn!”

You swivel to face him fully, eyes wide. “And why, pray tell, would I possibly be insecure about that?”

“I don’t know!” He throws his hands up in exasperation. “I’ve never given you a single real reason to doubt me!”

“Except for all the pet names and inappropriate touching with Oscar!”

“Those are just friendly gestures!”

“Keep telling yourself that, buddy!”

The two of you are practically shouting at each other now, completely absorbed in your make-believe argument. Somewhere in the back of your mind you feel a bit bad for putting the poor therapist through this, but you’re having far too much fun to stop.

Dr. Ramanujan finally cuts in, raising her palms. “Okay! Okay, let’s all just take a breath, shall we?”

You and Lando freeze mid-rant, remembering where you are. He shoots you a conspiratorial wink and you have to bite your lip to suppress a smile.

“Now,” the therapist continues once the tension has diffused slightly. “Clearly there are some deep-seated resentments and triggers being hit here that we need to unravel. But I think a lot of it comes back to the intimacy and trust issues we were discussing earlier. Y/N, would you say you feel emotionally fulfilled by Lando?”

You ponder this for a moment, drawing out the suspense. Lando watches you with bated breath.

Finally, you sigh deeply. “No doc, I can’t say that I do. And maybe that’s why I’ve been so tempted to stray myself ...”

Lando’s jaw drops perfectly again. “You’ve been tempted to cheat? With who?”

Holding his gaze boldly, you declare: “My yoga instructor, actually.”

“Shane?” He looks like you just slapped him. “But he’s so … so bland!”

You shrug nonchalantly. “What can I say? Opposites attract sometimes.”

Dr. Ramanujan looks like she’s watching a tennis match, unable to get a word in edgewise.

Lando points an accusatory finger at you. “This is unbelievable! You had the audacity to blame me for the intimacy issues earlier when all this time you’ve been lusting after another man?”

“I’m a woman of insatiable needs!” You cry, borrowing his phrasing from earlier. “You said it yourself!”

“I didn’t mean it like that!” He turns desperately back to the therapist. “Please doc, you have to help us!”

She blinks owlishly a few times before finding her voice. “I … I’m not sure I can be of much assistance here.”

Lando clutches at his chest dramatically. “No, don’t say that! Our relationship is hanging by a thread as it is.”

“If it’s even still a relationship,” you mumble darkly, inspecting your nails with affected nonchalance.

“You see?” Lando pleads with the doctor. “This is what I’m dealing with every day! The constant barbs and lack of trust! I’m at my wit’s end.”

Dr. Ramanujan’s eyes dart between the two of you, seeming to deflate a little more after each deranged declaration. She sets her notepad aside with a resigned sigh.

“Listen, you two ...” she begins carefully. “While I appreciate you being upfront about your ...” she pauses, clearly searching for the right word, “unique situation, I’m afraid it goes well beyond my abilities as a therapist.”

You simply blink at her innocently while Lando dissolves into feigned hysterics beside you.

“But you have to help us!” He cries, flinging himself backwards dramatically. “Our relationship is the only thing I have left!”

You can’t help but let out a small giggle at his antics, quickly disguising it as a cough when the therapist shoots you a look. Dr. Ramanujan just shakes her head slowly.

“I’m sorry, but I clearly don’t have the tools or expertise to assist with … whatever this is.” She gestures vaguely between the two of you. “My advice would be to seek a different form of counseling. Or perhaps … separate for a while until you both figure out what you want.”

Lando clutches at his chest, feigning heartbreak. “Separate? Doc, you can’t be serious!”

“I’m afraid I am,” Dr. Ramanujan states firmly, rising from her chair. “This session has become … unproductive, to put it mildly. I think we should call it a day.”

You open your mouth to protest staying in character, but the defeated look on the poor therapist’s face gives you pause. With a sidelong glance at Lando, you decide to put her out of her misery.

Rising from your own seat, you loop your arm through Lando’s and favor the bewildered doctor with your most winning smile.

“You’re probably right, doc. We’ll, uh, take some time and really think things over. Thanks for your … insight today.”

Dr. Ramanujan simply nods, seemingly too drained to even reply as she opens the door and gestures you both through.

The second you’re out in the hallway, you can’t contain your laughter anymore. You dissolve into a fit of giggles, doubling over and clutching at Lando’s arm for support. He joins in instantly, that mischievous grin stretched wide across his face.

“Oh my god,” you gasp between peals of laughter. “Did you see her face when I brought Oscar into it?”

“I thought she was going to kick us out then and there!” Lando howls, wiping away a mirthful tear. “The things we put that poor woman through ...”

You finally manage to regain your composure, still grinning madly at the ridiculousness of it all. Leave it to Lando to come up with a first date idea as wonderfully insane as fake couples therapy.

“We should do something normal for our next date,” you quip, shooting him a sly look. “Like go skydiving or swimming with sharks.”

Lando matches your playful tone, draping an arm around your shoulders as you meander away from the office. “Whatever you say, darling. Just promise me you won’t leave me for one of the skydiving instructors, yeah?”

You pull him closer with a laugh. “No promises, babe.”