Oh Hello...

Oh hello...

I hear it's traditional to create a 'Welcome' post when you first start a blog so that people know what they're getting themselves into when they start reading. I suspect it's really to help keep the writer on track so that they don't get lost along the way and fill it with miscellaneous crap. Well, at least the miscellaneous crap that shouldn't be on the blog.

This blog was named after a phrase that I hear too often in the bureaucratic world I currently work in. It's misused and overused and I feel sorry for it. This is my way of saving it, although I will probably hurt it harder than any egotistical middle manager before me.

If you are my current manager, then this is a hobby that I work on in my spare time.

If you are not my current manager, then this is a way for me to cope with a tearfully boring job. It's a means to be productive during the work day and create something that will help me re-connect with my first 3 loves: reading, writing, being a smart-arse.

I don't quite know what this will be filled with yet. There will be links and pictures and posts. Pretty standard really. 

We'll see what happens. It can be an adventure.

This post is dedicated to Coco. She is a little dynamo.

He was well dressed...

It speaks volumes about a country when one of the notable characteristics of a criminal is that he was "well-groomed". You can find a badly dressed man anywhere, but a well dressed man? Now that's a real challenge!

Cigarettes and Porn

So, some guy wants NZ to only sell cigarettes in adult shops. That means that cigarettes are just as bad as porn!

Let me just take a deep breath and count to five.

WTF!!!

Was that supposed to put me off?  I've already given up smoking, but I'm getting tempted to take it up again. If there's a chance that I can pick up a sweet pack of cancer sticks and a Shane Jones-approved movie at the same time, then shit. I'm in! After all, everyone knows that cigarettes taste better after sex. You learn that from watching (mainstream) movies.

Okay, I understand that cigarettes cause cancer and can harm my unborn baby (even though I'd be amazed if anything managed to survive in my uterus). I know it makes you smell bad and gives you wrinkles. I know it's bad for you. The whole world knows it's bad for you. I used to smoke and I remember the bad side of it all. I'm aware that it was the worst thing I could do to myself. I'm the child of a smoker - I've seen the worst that can happen. I get the message. I really do.

I still want a smoke though. You can increase the price, stop the smoking ads, tell all the kids that smoking ain't cool and reduce the price of nicotine patches. Go ahead. I'm a big fan of all these things. But people are still gonna smoke, especially when you make it a commodity that's expensive and hard-to-get. It goes double when you try to give it a 'bad' image. I'm not saying that people should give up the fight to stop smoking. I'm just saying that they should be smarter about it. I stopped smoking for one reason - it gives me wrinkles. Smoking highlights wrinkles and makes you look older. Seriously, look at anyone who's been smoking for years. Check the lines on their face. People should really play this up more. It should be on cigarette packs. Do you want to look like a dried up hag when you're in your twenties? No, didn't think so. 

I understand that people don't want smoking to be a part of their lives and have made a conscious choice to make this happen. That's great and I congratulate them on their willpower and their choice. They are officially awesome - until they decide to enforce their ways on me. That's not cool. I'm getting seriously annoyed at paying the price for someone else's regret. What the hell happened to personal choice? When did it become a dirty word? When I smoked, I did it because I wanted to. Enforcing your 'no smoking' world on me is gonna activate my nicotine cough and make my backhand itchy.

Unfortunately, I've been in around long enough to know that these people are not gonna quit. So, to those bastards people, I say this: You want to sell cigarettes in adult shops? Well, that's fine. Adult stores are almost always open, and you can get your porn at the same time. Score!

The P word

This is really an expansion of a comment I left here.

Shane Jones, you give great entertainment.

For those of you unaware of the Shane Jones predicament, here's a quick breakdown: He's a highly ranked Labour politician who was tipped for leadership. While staying in a hotel he decided to watch some porn (as you do) and it got charged it to his ministerial credit card aka the credit card funded by taxpayers. The public found out and hilarity ensued.

I don't have a problem with the fact that Jones watched porn. It doesn't mean that he's a deviant. I don't know many guys who don't watch porn. It's so commonplace that budding starlets are routinely 'shocked, dismayed and saddened' to find that a 'private' sex tape is now available on the internet. Hell, a google search for barbie dolls can end with you watching porn.

I'm kinda 50/50 on how I feel about the fact that the porn was charged to his ministerial credit card. If I didn't know, I wouldn't have a problem. But I do know and I have a problem. It's not like I haven't paid for someone else's entertianment - I've flatted with guys before and I'm realistic on where a chunk of the internet bandwidth is going. And I think that's where the problem lies - why did he pay for porn?  WTF? Was this charge made in pre-internet days? Why did he pay for something you can get for free? There is an astounding variety of porn available on the internet. There is even a rule about the sheer amount available. You can get all of that for free if you hit the right links. See that? Free! I expect some sort of fiscal responsibility from politicians, especially ones that are earmarked for leadership of their respective parties. Sure, he paid it back. That's cool. But the charge shouldn't have happened in the first place when there's a non-paying alternative available.

But what really gets me is this: what kind of politician doesn't cover his damn tracks?? WTF man? Sure, he's not the only one to abuse the credit card but he definitely had one of the most entertaining statements. Only an idiot wouldn't realise that and not cover it up. Leaving it there to potentially be discovered? That's just slack and I place higher expectations on politicians. Do you think prime ministers got to be prime ministers by just letting shit slide? The most outrageous expense on Helen Clarke's statement was her phone bill. John Key's most noteworthy expense is his penchant for buying All Blacks jerseys for gifts overseas. See Jones? That's how you do it. If there was anything that could've made the news, I'm sure they either: charged it to their personal credit cards; paid cash; made damn sure that any trace of it was wiped away. Budding politicians take note: we do not tolerate such sloppy work.

Granted, he probably didn't intend to put the charge on his credit card. I've stayed in hotel rooms before and I've accidentally charged embarrassing things to another person's credit card. Shit happens. But he must've realised it was off. I work in the public sector. We are constantly reminded that anything we do can be OIA'd and we must be careful about where we spend tax dollars. I doubt things would be different for him. Although, to be honest, I'd be stunned if he was thinking about anything further than the matter in hand (pun intended).

To finish, I guess I'll leave you with this final tip about searching for porn: always remember to turn google safe search off. And don't click on anything with the following terms: 'tub girl' and 'eel girl'.

She's just not that into you

So, there's this guy...

Those words are enough to set off a bit of excitement amongst my friends (that, and "free!") or at least make them listen really closely. But it's not like that this time.

So, there's this guy and he's really annoying.

His lack of social skills is a driving me nuts hard to deal with. And by that, I mean the following:

Talking down to people

Clicking your fingers at me - this is punishable by death! You've been warned. If it happens one more time imma fill your world with pain.

Calling a girl fat - I still can't believe you did this. Don't ever do this. Even if she calls herself fat, don't agree with her and especially don't laugh about it. Pretend the comment didn't happen. Christ, what is wrong with you?

Don't call me a boozehag. You aren't my friend. You haven't gotten me drunk and/or put up with my crap while I'm drunk and/or nursed me through the awful day after, so you aren't entitled to say this.

I know you're smart. We all know you're smart. Did you think you were the only smart person here?

Um...he's boring?

Anyways, I can put up with all of this as long as I can rant to my friends about occasionally and cringe behind his back. But now he's hitting on my non-single, non-interested friend. Watching this play out is one of my daily pieces of entertainment: his excitement at seeing her, the nervous OMG-it's-him-again-why-won't-he-take-the-damn-hint tone to her voice - it's all gold.

But now I'm starting to feel sorry for him. Poor dude ain't got game, and it's embarrassing to watch. I pity the poor fool. I wanna help him, even though my track record ain't nothing to boast about. Although there was this one period where everything was just gravy. Good times, (damn) good memories, good boasting stories. Ahh. Where was I? Oh yeah, tips for this poor boy.

So, you ain't got game but you still wanna get laid? A few pointers:

Note: These are just my tips. I don't speak on behalf of all girls. Take it with a grain, or a massive truck load, of salt.

Figure out if she's actually interested. This is key. If she gives you tips to ask out other girls, she probably isn't interested. This doesn't apply to everyone, but it's a good general rule.

Aim low. Women can smell desperation. Get a track record, know your stuff, then come back for what you really want.

She may not always do what her friends say, but she will listen. So be nice and don't call one of them fat. Jeez...

Confidence. Everyone responds to it, not just women. I would give you more advice on this, but I have a mad tendency to go beyond confidence and become egotistical and arrogant.

Ask that friend. Everyone knows someone who gets mad amounts of ass. Talk to the guy and get some pointers. He won't be mad at you, but he will laugh. Then afterwards, he'll give you the advice you need.

That should be enough. Hopefully it helps. Oh, and I feel I have to say this one more time:

Dude, she's not into you.

sexmusic:

closer // kings of leon

download: amazon | itunes

(via sexmusic)

A good friend of mine claims that Thom Yorke's voice "does things" to him. I have a similar reaction to Caleb Followill's voice.