The Silence Hangs Heavily In The Air, And Just Like Your Scent It Has An Overbearing Presence Which Haunts

The silence hangs heavily in the air, and just like your scent it has an overbearing presence which haunts me long after you've gone. The omnipresence of this silence becomes all consuming until I am sufficiently drenched in solitude. The atmosphere is devoid of what once was a content living. Spatters of discomfort paint portraits of images I do not wish to face at the moment yet the hands continue to move revealing that the time for retrospection is nigh. However, as those choose to reminisce I am forced to reconcile

myself with the phantasms I have yet to tame. Only then can I concede with the silence in the air that hangs heavy with your scent long after you have gone.

No More Chances

I flung my words at you and watched as they penetrated through your chest and bled out onto your face. I started to read your expression as the knot between your brow, the curve of your teardrop, and the lines of your frowning lips became evocative of the emanating hurt. This was the penultimate chapter to our story. The last chapter depicted the unraveling of our story as different plot lines. No longer did what we do have an effect on the other. When once you were a causality in many events you were now just an exigent factor on my emotions. It was not fault of your own. You did nothing. I know this now. I know this through the painful journey of retrospect. Now that I have traced back through each page I was able to unearth the prologue neither of us had known of which brought us together in this epoch. I do not believe in predetermined lives/fate/destiny nor do I believe in total random happenstance. There is an order in this all too fragile universe which resulted from us being born into and living within an interconnected web which ultimately had one of our strings forever tethered to another. In the infinite amount of possibilities which could have occurred prior to us intertwining into each others lives we somehow tripped lightly through these narrow passages to create a timeless story. This domino effect was so delicate that I fear I may never get another chance to experience this. I took you for granted, splashed you with meaningless yet spiteful words and disregarded your importance in my life. Because of this I no longer even want another chance - just the ability to go back to page one. However, the arrow of time points forward and I must follow my northern star into the direction these webs are directed. Away from you or not I have no idea, but I do hope there is a sequel and I will find you mingling somewhere between the words of my future chapters.

Familiarity shrinks the world by defeating the mysterious and bringing to light every fear draped under the cloak of the unknown. Where once I used to crawl over untrodden land I have now become accustomed to my worn in footprints. They mark the places I have been, the areas I no longer fear for I am now comfortable among their confines. Even the slightest bit of unease would deter me from returning and recognizing my own familiar marking. But here I am, situated within my skin and finally claiming it as my own. The fear is eradicated, the shadows of the unknown finally lifted. Yes it is still a large vessel suited for a lifetime to be filled with journeys to corners, limbs, and ventricles. I do not contradict myself. I always foster the idea of today - the lack of belief in a promised tomorrow. So if the day's end is when my days end I shall leave this earth with an empty, untraversed expanse of land I have just begun to see. Maybe there will come a time when all territory within the borders of this skin will be mine to claim. As for now the familiarity is still within the tiny comfort zones of what I want to know of this foreign land.

I Found You

There was a security in your presence, and the mistake was mine to place my future in your hands. It was mapped out along your veins and unraveling delicately at your fingertips. Now uncertainty hangs in the air like the infinite sky carrying the possibility of everything and nothing over my head. It occupies the spaces where my footprints have yet to venture. I had hoped to find a replacement within those empty spaces. I searched for recognizable comfort in their eyes or truth in their smile; a reflection from the mirror my memory held up to them. What was reflected back to me were abstractions that looked nothing like you.  

But I did find you.

Those strange abstractions I could not recognize strongly contrasted everything I remembered about you. I found you in their vacuous smile, the way it never quite followed through. The color drained from their eyes until it was but a blank stare. I could no longer find comfort in that familiar security. When it was over I was left with the empty feeling of abandonment. Your emaciated ghost still haunts me in the corners occupied by your replacements. When they don't quite smile like you, or look at me the way you used to I find you staring back at me, my future still being cradled lightly between your fingers.

Running, hiding, finding hollowed out places. All in order to shield myself. Obscure your view of me. I like making myself purposely invisible. At least that way I know that your not being able to see me is of my accord and not necessarily an indirect consequence of who I am. 

I'd rather be forgotten than purposely ignored. 

I guess I just try to make the best of a bad situation. 

On Ignorance

There was once a light of curiosity which shined from behind your gaze exploring every facet of my heart and seeking out new sources of my affection which went deeper than where you've already been. However, that light has dimmed as you've found barrier after barrier in your way. The wanderlust which was once the impetus for your exploration has started to melt away. The deteriorating force of doubt and deprivation is the nexus which has replaced the fulfilling promise of hope and love. I admit I had hoped to halt your journey at this point. I do not wish for you to go further because I want to retain pieces of myself for fear of your awakening. There is this omniscient fear which looms over the vast expanses of my soul: you're only here because you're ignorant to your own worth. You should be delving into caves of gold not hiking along dirt trails. There is a hope which builds within you and I fear I am not enough to meet your expectations. You deserve to find the treasures which can match the ones that make up who you are. When you finally realize you deserve better I want to at least look at the unexplored caves you haven't touched and have the dignity to say "I wasn't that foolish". I don't halt your journey because I don't love you. Words are like the unyielding tracks along a map; they lead nowhere. I cannot string enough meanings along a sentence to describe what I feel. But if I had to say something,

No one on this earth has ever wanted anything as much as I want you.