Do Not Let What You Cannot Do Interfere With What You Can Do.

Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do.

John Wooden

I cut and I bleed and I embarrass easily - Michael Jackson

There's a weird thing I do. I'm a commuter student but I don't memorize the bus schedule. So when I go to the bus stop and I see the bus waiting there I don't run, even if that means I might miss it. I keep the same pace and I think "if it goes, it goes." If that means waiting for another bus to come, so be it. It's odd because when I'm on the bus I see others running for the bus, most times they get on but sometimes the bus drives off leaving the person huffing and irritated. I don't want people seeing me run only to have the bus drive away. My failed attempt would become known and I am left with embarrassment as those who were privileged enough to get on the bus pity me, laugh at me or simply don't care. But this mindset goes so much further than that. 

Guys are like buses to me. (That sounds so sexist.) I tell myself "if this doesn't work out there will be another one coming along." I don't want others to think I am putting too much effort into the relationship because I don't want others to watch me embarrass myself, like the passengers on the bus. I don't want them to pity me. But then that leaves the guy feeling as though I don't care and really he's the only one that matters. If I fight hard enough, run fast enough he'll know it's him and he'll wait, taking me where I need to be. But then again, just like bus drivers, some guys are assholes and leave anyways which is fine, I don't die. Sure I'll have to wait again but that guarantees my place for the next one that comes along. But then again that last guy could've been the one that I needed, like the bus that can take me to the place I need to be. But he'll never know because he sees me in his rear view mirror putting in no effort. Like the bus driver, eventually the guy will leave leave because he thinks I'm waiting for someone else. 

Things get worse. You've just matured enough to deal with it.

N

When you're born you come into the world with nothing and yet you have everything. The whole world is in front of you and you are able to conquer with that (false?) sense of invincibility. Nothing stops you from jumping from that jungle gym. That's how you grow, how you learn.  In a single instant of hope and action you figure out what you're good at and what you're not.

But now that you have an education, a career and independence you also have nothing. The view that was once in front of you is no blocked by inhibitions and logic. Your imagination is replaced with your own interpreted reality. The type of reality that stops you from ever attempting anything. Now you have a false sense of inferiority terminating your growth. But what kind of growth can occur when you regain that mentality of a child? Imagine what you can achieve if you felt you were never going to fail.

Naivety

Every time I turn and walk away my heart thumps against my rib cage and my eyebrows automatically stitch together trying to quell the tears. However, they do not fall. They do not fall because I know there are certain amount of steps I will take before yours begin to parallel my own. This mentality is not preparing me for the day when my steps are disregarded. I take for granted the amount of times you follow because I don't deserve it anymore. In all honesty you deserve to create your own path and shouldn't be obligated to follow mine. Please, run away.

A question from my childhood

"On life's road the past is behind you, just keep moving forward."

What if I stopped? What if I turned to my right causing my path to go on a tangent? Where am I going then? I've always wondered this. There's always this expectation of straight and narrow but never an explanation of what happens when it's not followed. Do I go back and keep going forward? What I no longer like the future road and decide on a detour? Don't really know what this is for. Just converting my thoughts to typed words.