When You're Born You Come Into The World With Nothing And Yet You Have Everything. The Whole World Is

When you're born you come into the world with nothing and yet you have everything. The whole world is in front of you and you are able to conquer with that (false?) sense of invincibility. Nothing stops you from jumping from that jungle gym. That's how you grow, how you learn.  In a single instant of hope and action you figure out what you're good at and what you're not.

But now that you have an education, a career and independence you also have nothing. The view that was once in front of you is no blocked by inhibitions and logic. Your imagination is replaced with your own interpreted reality. The type of reality that stops you from ever attempting anything. Now you have a false sense of inferiority terminating your growth. But what kind of growth can occur when you regain that mentality of a child? Imagine what you can achieve if you felt you were never going to fail.

Double edged reality.

I love when I wake up scared and panicked only to realize it was just a nightmare. My monsters vanish and I'm wrapped in the comfort of reality.

I hate when I wake up happy and accomplished only to realize it was just a dream. My failures are there waiting and I'm greeted by the emptiness of my reality.

You never know what you have until you lose it.

I always knew what I had, I just never thought I'd lose it.

-N

"Nothing of me is original. I am the combined effort of everybody I've ever known."

Chuck Palahniuk (Invisible Monsters)

Something I always wanted to say...

...the letters of my name do not carry my story. Your simple ability to pronounce it does not give you automatic knowledge about the details of my life. You have your preconceived notions and that's fine. You have your opinion which everyone is entitled to. What you don't have are the authenticated attributes which comprise who I am. So don't you dare utter those letters of my name alongside a statement you believe to be true when you in no way have any idea who I am

...I just never had the time or the balls.

mineralaccident:

I don’t want to keep secrets, in fact I’d like to give them all away, but the problem is that such an ability is not in my repertoire. I hold on to everything. Every memory, feeling and moment of my life. But secrets are one thing I don’t want to hold on to. In other news, I was in a bad mood...

My interpretation of this may not be the way Larry himself wrote it out but there's a certain way this applies to me. These words are so strangely intertwined in my idea of living comfortably.

I so desperately want to cut myself open and have you read me but I would hate that there is a strong possibility you will dislike what you see.

I want to tell you my dreams and yet the very idea of you shooting them down inhibits me from doing so.

I want you to know but goddamn it you can't. You can't because it places me in a ridiculously vulnerable position. Not only am I open and bleeding while you criticize every drop but I am indebted to those who unknowingly carry a deadly weapon with them. Anxiety and paranoia rises in me as I realize that my secrets are no longer safeguarded by lock and key in my impenetrable vault. Now they are left to the security of a system I know nothing of. Who's to say how they use this secret? I am forever at their whim and I cannot have that. Injurious are not the secrets themselves but their placement in the hands of one who can do terrible damage when they are thrown back at me with spiteful malice. I'd rather keep them to myself.