This Made Me Cry So Much, It's Probably The Best Fanfic I've Ever Read

this made me cry so much, it's probably the best fanfic i've ever read 😭🫰🫰🫰🫰🫰🫰

⋆ INSOUSIANCE · ksn

synopsis · four times you choose him, one time you didn't. ( 5k )

genre · hs au

warnings · angst, unrequited love

note · hahaha we love reposting!

when you chose sunoo as your project partner in middle school, his world flipped over. no, you weren’t someone with bad grades, and neither was he. middle school sunoo, if anything, didn’t expect you to pick him, out of all the remaining thirty-four students in the class. and when he asked you about it later that day, your response was rather astounding. 

“i want to get to know you.” that’s what you had said to him in front of his house before proceeding on the way back yours. your worlds left him dazed for days. he wondered if you meant it— of course, because usually, people don’t really want him as their project partners, for he’s too ‘child-like.’ sunoo simply couldn’t bring himself to believe your words. ‘i want to get to know you,’— okay, you can. he doesn’t mind. in fact, he’d love to be friends with you, but choosing him as your project partner was what surprised him the most.

“why do did you choose me?” he asked again, on the day before submission, and you shot him a didn’t-we-go-through-this look. “i mean, people usually don’t—” 

“because you’re annoying.” you blurted out, catching him with surprise yet again; and you went on about how he’s so loud— which made him frown a bit as a chuckle rolled off your lips— but, he’s loud in a good way; in a way where a single smile from his lightens up the room. you tell him about how you admire him for his positivity, and sunoo opens up to you about his antics when he’s sad, which you thought was an exaggeration until you actually found him under the blues outside the choir room three days later. 

days transitioned into weeks and weeks into months, sunoo found himself spending every minute by your side. he had never met someone like you before. you didn’t tell him to shut up whenever he got loud, but instead, you’d scream with him in the middle of the streets, laughing obnoxiously in convenience stores, hoarding candies to spend your nights watching concert recordings on youtube and fuel his obsession. you’d spent hours listening to his story about the one artist that he listened to as a kid and how he grew an interest for music. you indulged yourself into conversations you knew nothing about. you talked about his interests as if they were your own, sunoo never had someone like you. 

the second time you chose sunoo was at a middle school graduation party, when your friends forced you to bring someone along and the first name to cross your mind was his’. you spent three days wondering how to ask him— it’s not a date. you’re not my date. we’re going there because my friends forced me. sunoo, are you listening? this is not a date, don’t get me wrong— that was the most nervous he had seen you in seven months. he had a blast, watching you struggle with words for thirty-minutes; and you occasionally slapped his arms for laughing but he simply couldn’t stop, especially with the adorable pout resting on your face. 

you thought asking him to be your plus one would ruin things, for one’s plus one is supposed to be their date, and sunoo was simply your best friend. you considered cancelling your plans until the last moment, worried that something unfortunate would happen, but sunoo didn’t seem to care. on the noon of the day before the party, you found him standing at your doorstep, asking your mom if you could help him pick an outfit for the graduation party. it was late, almost eight in the evening, and sunoo said something along the lines of, ‘i promise to walk her back home by nine-thirty,’ before your parents finally gave in, letting you spend time with him. 

that night, all your worries and baseless concerns flew away with the autumn winds. you and sunoo did everything except picking an outfit for him. the moment you stepped into the sunoo household, his sisters stole you from him for fifteen minutes sharp, wanting to see the girl their brother has been talking about restlessly; and if sunoo hadn’t barged into their room, dragging you away, they wouldn’t have let you talk to him that evening. ( he also got hit with a pillow on his face for storming into the room but that’s for another day. )

the goal was to pick an outfit for him, but as soon as you entered his room, your mind remembered everything, but the reason why you were at his house in the first place. you spent the next few minutes fawning upon his photo cards and album collection, talking about all the concept posters in his room while enjoying the snacks his mother offered along the visit. sunoo showed you his stamp and hello kitty sticker collections before you both got down to watch the repeat telecast of your favourite show together. 

you reached home that day, around ten. sunoo came to drop you, of course, and your parents literally had to stop him from kneeling and apologising because he thought they wouldn’t let the two of you meet again. it was a sight to see as he blabbered about how he was so scared when his mother reminded him that it’s ten pm and he needs to go to bed in twenty minutes. you sneaked into your living room at two in the night to talk to him over telephone, as the two of you had planned before, and didn’t get a single ounce of sleep that night. 

long story short— you didn’t attend the party, and neither did sunoo. you both were found passed out in the living rooms of your respective homes, finally going to bed at around seven in the morning, only to sleep until three in the noon. your blood ran cold when you woke up, realising that you overslept. afraid that sunoo must be waiting, you ran to the celebration venue, only to see the texts he sent you about oversleeping and forgetting about the party. the two of you surely did miss the graduation party, but spent the whole day together, visiting almost every arcade store just to kill time. 

the third time you chose sunoo was in highschool, as your seatmate. he didn’t see you for months after that day at the arcades. you caught a really bad fever, one that had you admitted in the hospital for two weeks after it turned out to be anaemia. when you were in the hospital, sunoo was busy writing finals and highschool entrances, and by the time exam season was over for most of the students in the country, you were busy giving the tests you missed because of your illness.  

sunoo never thought you’d attend cheongshim international academy with him. you had always talked about attending highschool overseas, or perhaps anywhere, but not a boarding school. elite academies weren’t the best choice for you, as informed to your parents by your homeroom teacher, because you don’t work well under pressure. you even talked about dropping schooling and pursuing something else, something that you liked to do instead of studying things out of obligation. sunoo was convinced that he would possibly never see you again, until you showed up on the first day of highschool as his classmate, catching him by surprise just the way you did for the very first time in middle school. 

“what? don’t tell me you forgot me already.” you scoffed, and sunoo didn’t leave your side that day, not even for a brief second. he stuck to you, saying he would take you around the school and help you get familiarised, as if it wasn’t the first day of his school. you both were almost lost before a senior escorted the two of you back to your class.

you both got detention on the first day of school for fooling around the campus, spending two hours cleaning your classroom ( most of which was just a waste of time) his parents blew up his phone with texts and calls, and you were waiting for yours to do the same. when you informed your mother that you'd be late, it didn't take her a second to ask if you had met sunoo. 

it was obvious, really. you never were the type to stay out late with friends, but sunoo has always been an exception to your rules. you dislike overly talkative people but you listened to him as if he was a synchrony of a melody and a melancholy. you looked at him as if you saw the whole universe in his eyes. you didn't think twice before violating your own boundaries for him, offering sunoo an open invitation into your life. 

and just like that, the first half of your junior year passes by in a blink. they say distances bring people close, maybe it's true because you and sunoo seem inseparable. you had started sneaking into each other’s dorms, spending nights and watching movies, speed writing your incomplete assignments a few hours before school started. the day sunoo was selected as the school's head choir boy, he saw you cry for the first time. 

he had seen you cry several times actually, but that one time was different. it was just teary eyes with soft sniffles, not just a few drops of tears rolling down your cheeks. sunoo has seen you cry, but it was the first time he saw you break into a heavy sob with tears streaming down your cheeks as you pulled him in your arms, telling him how proud you are. it was his first time seeing you cry for someone else.

you talk about his interests as if they are your own, so watching him make it to the school’s choir as their leader felt like being an ace. you started attending his performances and sunoo always reserved the front seat for you. watching sunoo never felt boring because he sang for both of you. every note, every tune, every song, it was for both of you. the melodies were his, the praises were yours, for sunoo believes he wouldn't have pursued music so desperately if you didn't support him back in middle school. 

things were amazing, and the second year rolled in with an unexplainable feeling blossoming inside sunoo's heart. your touches started leaving him breathless. every hug made his heart skip a beat or two. everytime you cuddled, sunoo wondered if you could hear his heart beating crazily, and whether your heart did the same. to take his mind off these things, sunoo introduced you to one of his new friends— park sunghoon. 

despite being a year younger than sunghoon, the three of you clicked well. well, tried to, for sunghoon seemed stoic most of the time, making you wonder if he hated loud people. after all, you and sunoo had always been a little handful together. 

but sunghoon was a nice guy, you knew it. your eyes never missed the way his lips curled into a smile whenever sunoo laughed, or the way he always offered to help sunoo with the tiniest of things, and especially the way he gave into the boy’s eccentric behaviour. park sunghoon was like a spark, and you saw sunoo's whole world on fire. 

you pulled the vice head boy into the pit of detentions as well. sunoo called it a tradition, that every person joining the two of you would have to suffer a detention to be an official member of sunooyn circus— his words, not yours. you thought sunghoon would be mad, for he isn't the type to get into troubles especially since he’s the vice head boy, but instead, you saw him at his highest, laughing as if he had never been happier. as though, if happiness was a thing, it would be that moment, and he's waiting for the word to catch up to the feeling. 

when sunghoon asked if you wanted to be his partner for the inter-prefectural debate and represent your school, your world flipped over. 

it was at that moment when memories from middle school slipped inside your head. a look at sunoo, and you thought— so this is how he felt. 

the fourth time you chose sunoo was on the day of the debate. he'd be lying if he said the idea of you and sunghoon travelling together didn't bother him, so sunoo offered to drive you to the venue himself, since you both lived closer and he had a sister with a driving licence. when he saw you present your argument on the stage with the same passion he had for the sport, he felt as if he fell for you all over again. in fact, he unknowingly fell a little deeper for you ever since he met you and when he realised, sunoo was already at the rock bottom, ready to fall even deeper. 

that was the first time sunoo chose to accept his feelings, wanting to make you first and hopefully, his last as well; because once upon a time, there was you and that's it. that was his story, because anything less than you wasn't true and anything more didn't make sense. 

when you didn't win the first prize, sunoo cried his heart out. there were tissues all over your hotel room as he reassured you that no matter who won the contest, you had always been the winner in his eyes. his hands slid in yours as he told you to not cry, while the tears were streaming down his face like a waterfall. he held you in his arms and recited words about how you did your best and despite the result, the whole was proud of you for getting second position in the entire province. 

you nodded, thanking him for his words, and then you disappeared— completely— never returning to your room for the next forty minutes. you said you’d be back soon, but it had been forty minutes, the sun’s setting down, and you hadn’t returned. sunghoon’s name didn’t even cross his mind. on this way to the lift, sunoo didn’t expect to hear soft strings of your voice from sunghoon’s room. eavesdropping wasn’t something he condoned but he found himself standing against the ice prince’s room, hands hesitating to unlock the door and when he finally did, the sight of you cradling sunghoon in your arms reached his eyes. 

it was understandable, of course, sunghoon was hurting more. you looked at sunoo and told him to shush because you didn’t want to disturb sunghoon, who possibly dozed off in your arms, his head on your shoulders. sunoo didn’t mind, taking a mental note to apologise to sunghoon later for crying like a child when he should’ve been there for both his friends. he left without saying a word, leaving you and sunghoon alone since sunoo understood the need, though a part of him ached at the sight of you having letting sunghoon sleep in your arms when you didn’t even hug sunoo when tears brimmed his eyes. 

maybe this is what it feels like to share, sunoo thought, because his life, he had you all to himself, and the same applied to you. he wondered if you felt the same after letting someone, who was not him, in your arms. sunoo was convinced that the ‘two of us’ is no longer valid, for he’d have to include sunghoon. he didn’t mind, sunghoon was his best buddy, and he almost slept with the newly established thought until you showed up outside his place, asking if the two of you could have a run down to seven-eleven. 

all this thought vanished at the sight of you, and the only thing flooding his mind was the way your hand occasionally brushed past his’ as you both strolled down the neighbourhood. you talked about people’s interests as if they’re your own, but that night, you talked about sunghoon as if he was a part of you. your words flowed along the lines of how similar the two of you were, and the way you both have identical approaches to various issues. he had seen you compliment sunghoon a thousand times but sunoo didn’t understand why a part of him wanted the night to be over quickly. 

events followed along, first term examinations arrived and after that, time seemed to fly even faster. sunoo would rush to the library for study sessions and he’d see you with sunghoon, talking about a book he recommended to you and how much you enjoyed it. during group outings, you’d share theories with sunghoon and he’d expand them beyond the canon plot. all with sunoo walking one step behind because he didn’t know anything about your conversations with him; or rather, you never told him. 

you’d spend nights texting sunoo about everything you and sunghoon talked about as if he wasn’t there to listen. and no matter how much it pained him, sunoo loved to see you happy, so he played along right into your games. you’d ask and he’d tell you all about sunghoon’s antics and habits as if no one knows them better than him. sunoo would tell you everything he knew about sunghoon and hope that one day, you’d go back to how you both used to be. because even with having you by his side, he missed the days and nights you spent talking about him. 

when the third year arrived, sunoo thought it’d all be over soon. no, he didn’t hate sunghoon— he couldn’t— but he envied him. he envied him when sunghoon walked between the two of you on your ways back home. he envied the way you smiled at sunghoon even at the silliest actions and treat him as the centre of your world. he envied how sunghoon started being the person you’d look for during hard times, or way you started cancelling plans with sunoo to visit bookstores with sunghoon. he envied the way you looked at sunghoon— because you looked at him as if you saw yourself inside his eyes.      

but sunoo wasn’t a coward. he never learnt how to give up. when sunghoon was in incheon for one of the literary contests, you started zoning out in broad daylight, as if you suddenly didn’t know what to do. that’s when sunoo called you over to his place. as much as he wanted to spend time with you, the offer was selfless. sunoo would rather have you crying in his arms than watch you spend the day alone in utter despair. it came to him as a surprise when you started talking about how much you were missing sunghoon, even though it had only been two days since he left. he bit his inner cheeks when you said you wanted to hug him. and before you could say more, sunoo’s words cut in like a knife.

“i like you.” that’s what he said. it was purely unintentional. he didn’t want to present such a wacky confession. there was a pause as sunoo looked at you, anticipating an answer. you didn’t say a thing; and the next second, there was a text from sunghoon on your phone, and you ran out of sunoo’s apartment as if you never heard his confession.   

he was proud of confessing to you but in just a few months, the pride morphed into sadness. because back then, the now nineteen year old sunoo didn't know you had other choices. he didn't know he'd have to be in love with you and leave it at that, because his first choice has always been you but, you chose sunghoon over everything else. 

My thoughts on White Christmas

this is gonna be my first fanfic so it might seem a bit dodgy. there is no smut (gotta protect our baby boy Niki (i still find it weird to read or write smut about him even if he's 18 now)). so....yeah😁

There's not as many Han screenshots cus I only watched five minutes of his live😢

I'm sorry😭

please do keep in mind that this is the first fanfic that i've ever wrote so it might take...a while (meaning a long time) for me to finish White Christmas