I-want-to-d1sappear - Raven - Tumblr Blog

thinking about how different things would have been if it never happened

“you’re so mature for your age” thanks I was not allowed to show any vulnerability as a child

this is going to come off as obnoxious to the people who won’t understand where im coming from but im sure all the qties with BPD on here will relate at least to some degree 😵‍💫

i hate when i say “i hate myself” and people around me automatically turn to say “well (reason) so you shouldnt” spoiler alert but i know !!!!!!! i know that i shouldn’t but its so hard when you feel NOTHING on a daily basis. best day of your life? the good feelings last a solid 17 minutes. worst day of your life? you’ll feel like jumping off the nearest cliff or jumping in front of a passing car and feeling like you’re in the worst distress youve ever been but one nap later, youre back to feeling that pit inside while not even being able to fully remember what exactly had you so upset.

i hate that and i hate myself for it. does that mean i don’t care about myself? no. i still go grab a jacket when im cold. i still care whether im being put in a harmful situation or not. i still care about myself enough to not be putting myself in harms way 24/7. i just dont have the emotional permanece to love myself when there’s a void actively sucking and draining the emotions from me. its so frustrating when the people around you are like “just love yourself 😍” like girl don’t you think ive tried? i dont say “i hate myself” for pity or sympathy (no shame if you do tho) but as a cry of frustration.

it’s like watching a bridge about to collapse and trying to scream that no one should cross it but being unable to get the message across. i *know* there’s reasons why i shouldn’t hate myself but they just never feel good enough for the void. i hate being told how to feel when ive tried everything to change but i know it’s useless

RIOT GRRRL: what i consider essential films.

films that were seen as inspiration for the riot grrrl movement, were written, or inspired by, those in the scene, as well as a few i and others personally recommend and consider; and lastly, documentaries on riot grrrl & allied bands.

i tried to keep this as accessible as possible. these are films that can be found on youtube, vimeo, archive.org, ubuweb, or (for those who can access them) are free on tubi and pluto or can be rented on kanopy. links and where's-to-watch under cut.

letterboxd.

Born in Flames (1983): kanopy (library card needed), facebook (i know). (Set ten years after the most peaceful revolution in United States history, it presents a dystopia in which the issues of many groups - minorities, liberals, gay rights organizations, feminists - are dealt with by the government.) dir. Lizzie Borden. x.

Baise-moi (2000): jex, effedupmovies. (Two young women, marginalised by society, go on a destructive tour of sex and violence.) dir. Virginie Despentes, Coralie Trinh Thi.

Rain Without Thunder (1993): free on tubi. (In the year 2042 women are going to prison for terminating their pregnancies. An investigating reporter is determined to reveal the truth behind the convictions.) dir. Gary O. Bennett.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the Fabulous Stains (1982): free on pluto, archive.org. (Corrine Burns retreats far into plans for her band, The Fabulous Stains, after her mother’s death.) dir. Lou Adler. x.

I Was A Teenage Serial Killer (1993): archive.org, youtube, tubi. (Mary was a good girl until she decides to kill all the "sexist pigs". She of course encounters many of which, and enjoys killing them.) dir. Sarah Jacobson.

Mary Jane's Not a Virgin Anymore (1996): youtube, tubi. (A high schooler from suburbia gets in touch with her sexuality while working at a dingy movie theater in the city.) dir. Sarah Jacobson.

All Over Me (1997): youtube. (Claude and Ellen are best friends living in New York. They’re involved in the subculture of 90s youth, complete with drugs, live music, and homophobia. All is changed one night when a violent and meaningless death rocks their lives.) dir. Alex Sichel.

The Watermelon Woman (1996): kanopy, archive.org. (Cheryl, a young black lesbian, works a day job in a video store while trying to make a film about a black actress from the 1930s known for playing the stereotypical “mammy” roles relegated to black actresses during that period.) dir. Cheryl Dunye.

But I’m a Cheerleader (1999): archive.org, second archive.org. (A naive teenager is sent to rehab camp when her parents and friends suspect her of being a lesbian.) dir. Jamie Babbit.

The Incredibly True Adventure of Two Girls in Love (1995): youtube, archive.org. (An adventurous love story between two young women of different social and economic backgrounds who find themselves going through all the typical struggles of a new romance.) dir. Maria Maggenti.

Baby Doll (1982): dailymotion, ubuweb. (Short film about the girls working the now defunct Baby Doll Lounge in downtown Manhattan.) dir. Tessa Hughes-Freeland.

Girl Power (1992): ubuweb, youtube. (Benning relates their personal rebellion against school, family, and stereotypes as a story of personal freedom, telling how they used to model like Matt Dillon and skip school to have adventures alone.) dir. Sadie Benning.

The Judy Spots (1995): archive.org, vimeo. (These five short videos introduce Judy, a paper maché puppet voiced by Kathleen Hanna, who ruminates on her position in society.) dir. Sadie Benning.

If Every Girl Had a Diary (1990): ubuweb, archive.org. (Setting their pixelvision camera on themself and room, Benning searches for a sense of identity and respect as a lesbian.) dir. Sadie Benning.

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docs:

Don't Need You: The Herstory of Riot Grrrl (2005): youtube. (A documentary that tells the story of the origins of Riot Grrrl in the independent music scene of the 1990s, and how this feminist movement evolved into a revolutionary underground network.) dir. Kerri Koch.

Not Bad For A Girl: (1995): drive. (A documentary on women musicians of the 1990s from the indie rock music genre, grunge and punk.) dir. Lisa Rose Apramian.

She's Real (Worse Than Queer) (1997): youtube, vimeo 1, 2. (A document of the Riot Grrrl and Queercore scene in the 1990s.) dir. Lucy Thane.

It Changed My Life: Bikini Kill in the UK (1993): vimeo. (A video made during the 1993 UK tour by bands Bikini Kill and Huggy Bear.) dir. Lucy Thane.

L7: Pretend We're Dead (2017): youtube, tubi. (Documentary on the grunge band L7.) dir. Sarah Price.

No Alternative Girls (1994): youtube, vimeo. (A short film of interviews from women in rock.) dir. Tamra Davis.

The Punk Singer (2013): youtube, free on pluto, dailymotion. (A look at the life of activist, musician, and cultural icon Kathleen Hanna, who formed the punk band Bikini Kill and pioneered the riot grrrl movement of the 1990s.) dir. Sini Anderson.

Who Took the Bomp? Le Tigre on Tour (2010): free on pluto, free on tubi. (Follows iconic feminist band Le Tigre on their 2005 international tour.) dir. Kerthy Fix.

Dirty Girls (2000): youtube, vimeo. (Shot in 1996 and edited in 2000, a short documentary about a group of 13-year-old riot grrrls in Los Angeles who were socially ostracized at their school by their peers and upperclassmen.) dir. Michael Lucid.

Poly Styrene: I Am a Cliché (2021): kanopy. (The death of punk icon and X-Ray Spex front-woman Poly Styrene sends her daughter on a journey through her mother's archives.) dir. Celeste Bell, Paul Sng.

my personality is not disordered yall just cant handle my swag

my therapist told me today that i should try to relax more. nice idea and all but it’s currently 9:45pm and i just got done with my schoolwork. i literally don’t have time to relax.

tired of my lonely teenage lesbian era tbh

u are all so so loved by me

“You should be at the club” I should be six feet under being food for the maggots

the realization this brought me made me cry actual tears.. [not mine]

art block is kicking my ass rn, bc what do you mean i’ve got hundreds of ideas but can’t bother to actually draw any of them? and when i finally do draw something i just get frustrated bc it never turns out the way i want it to.

if anyone in my family ever discovers this account

As a late diagnosed autist I will say one of the most damaging but transformative experiences I've ever had was being misdiagnosed with BPD.

Everyday my heart goes out to people with BPD.

The amount of stigma and silencing they face is astonishing and sickening.

I took DBT for years. Therapists use to turn me away because of my diagnosis.

I would be having full blown autistic meltdowns, crying for help literally - but because I was labeled as BPD ANY time I cried I was treated as manipulative and unstable.

As if the only reason I could be crying was if I was out to trick someone.

95% of the books out there with Borderline in the title are named shit like 'How to get away from a person with Borderline', 'How to stop walking on eggshells (with a person who has BPD)'

I was never allowed to feel true pain or panic or need.

That was 'attention seeking behavior', not me asking for help when a disability was literally inhibiting my ability to process emotions.

There were dozens of times where I had a full meltdown and was either threatened with institutionalization or told I was doing it for attention.

My failing relationships weren't due to a communication issue, or the inability to read social cues. No, because I was labeled borderline, my unstable relationships were my fault. Me beggong nuerotypicals to just be honest and blunt with what they meant was me pestering them for validation.

Borderline patients can't win.

And the funny thing is - I asked my therapist about autism. I told her I thought I was on the spectrum.

BPD is WILDLY misdiagnosed with those with autism and I had many clear signs.

Instead - she told me 'If you were autistic we wouldn't be able to have this conversation'. She made me go through a list of autistic traits made clearly for children, citing how I didn't fit each one.

And then she told me that me identifying with the autism community was the BPD making me search for identity to be accepted - and that I wasn't autistic, just desperate to fit in somewhere.

I didn't get diagnosed for another ten years. For ten years I avoided the autism community - feeling as if I were just a broken person who wanted to steal from people who 'really needed it'.

Because of my providers - I began to doubt my identity MORE, not less.

Ten years of thinking I was borderline and being emotionally neglected and demonized by a system meant to help me.

To this day, I still don't trust neurotypicals. Not fully.

I know I'm not borderline now - but my heart aches for them. Not for the usual stuff. But for the stigma. And the asshole doctors. And the dismissiveness and threatening and the idea of institutionalization hanging over their head.

I love Borderline people. I always will. I'm not Borderline but if you are I love you and I'm sorry.

You're not a bad person. You're not a therapists worst nightmare, you are a human with valid feelings and fears.

Borderline people I'm sorry.

‘it gets better🥺🥰’ my brother in christ… i have bpd, there’s no getting better, there’s just handling it enough to function.

From the bottom of my worthless heart, I genuinely don’t know if I can survive another year.