My Heart Was Literally Crushed Multiple Times Didnt Even Know Whether Or Not Theyll Even Get Together

My heart was literally crushed multiple times 😭😭 didn’t even know whether or not they’ll even get together at the end. But the in between, the flashbacks, the aftermathdjdjdjdj don’t know what else to say. Ffi, another story in my list that melts and breaks my heart simultaneously 💝💝💝💝💝

Go Easy on Me: A KTH Oneshot (m)

Characters/pairings: Taehyung x f!reader, feat. Namjoon, Jimin, Jungkook (also non-BTS: Mino, Zico, Bobby, Woosung)

Genre: non idol au, e2l2?, angst, smut (see warnings below)

Rating/Warnings: ⚠️🔞 MA - Mature, adult content 🔞⚠️ Fic contains mild physical violence, m/f protected sex, depictions of intoxication and a lot of swearing/cursing

Word count: 21.3K

Note: I’ve been listening to Hug Me Tight by Bloo on repeat lately - check it out for the mood of this fic. This is the first writing I’ve done in a long time, so please forgive any mistakes especially as I couldn’t have it beta read. For anyone who follows my writing, thank you and I’m sorry I’ve been away so long (explanation here)

PART ONE: Hug me Tight - Taehyung makes an exhibition of himself

“So she’s not there with Jiho?”

Unseen, Namjoon rolls his eyes, “She’s here. Jiho’s here.”

“Are they there together though?” Namjoon doesn’t miss the faint, but definite, whiny undertone to Taehyung’s words and finds himself beginning to lose patience. He won’t entertain this from Taehyung, not today, not when he’s missing his own party to take this call.

“No, he’s here with someone else.” Namjoon’s eyes are rolling so hard he’s amazed he can’t see the inside of his own skull.

“Ah, ok ok ok,” Taehyung breathes in relief before sucking in a sharp breath as an unwelcome memory occurs to him, “I heard some rumours a while ago that she might be dating Minho now? Or even worse, Jiwon?”

Namjoon groans heavily now, unable to hide the exasperation he feels. “No, not any of them. Who told you that? Na, don’t bother… I already know. Listen, every man I know here is either single, with a girlfriend or has one at home. Also, for the millionth time, she said she’d was coming alone.”

“Right…” Taehyung dithers at the other end of the phone, “I guess I’ll head over then - is everybody there?”

“We’re all here. Just waiting for you.”

“Oh…” is all the reply Namjoon gets; he quickly realises why. It’s not guilt about being late that’s causing Taehyung to hesitate, it’s that he doesn’t want to have to arrive alone.

“Taehyung,” Namjoon begins firmly, “you’re a grown ass man, you can come to a party without your damn girlfriend to hold your hand.”

“I know,” Taehyung admits, “I just don’t want to run into her when she’s with another guy, that’s all.”

Namjoon’s lip curls in disdain, even if Taehyung can’t see it, he can hear it in his friend’s voice, “Fuck man, you’re definitely old enough to face up to your mistakes.”

“She was never a mistake,” Taehyung says, too quickly.

“Hmm,” hums Namjoon, “you’re right, she was never yours, was she? That was the mistake.”

There’s a long pause at the other end of the line. Namjoon is too frustrated for the moment to feel any guilt.

“I guess,” Taehyung finally replies in a small voice.

“Get here soon,” Namjoon demands, it’s then that the stab of guilt comes. 

Yes, Taehyung is being pathetic, undoubtedly so, but he’s also so very lost. Namjoon doesn’t know the details of what caused the implosion of your friendship with Taehyung, but he knows Taehyung and it’s obvious that Taehyung loved you and probably still does. 

To be honest, Taehyung’s love for you is obvious to anyone with eyes and half a brain cell: it’s an open secret amongst his friends and Namjoon suspects Taehyung’s girlfriend also knows, in fact he suspects she’s the one behind the rumours of you apparently dating half of Seoul as far as Taehyung believes… Namjoon wonders what other fictions about you she’s been spinning to Taehyung.

The reason for Namjoon’s pity is his certainty that you are probably one of the few people that have no idea how Taehyung really feels and his suspicion is that Taehyung might not realise it either.

So, feeling a little sorry for Taehyung, he adds a final detail, “Anyway, not that it matters, but I can see her now - she’s just hanging with friends, no guy in sight.”

“Thanks,” Taehyung says, his relief and gratitude evident, “How does she seem?”

Namjoon groans, “Seriously? I don’t know… Relaxed? Happy, I think? Beautiful as ever. You’ll find out yourself when you get your ass here. Get a fucking move on.”

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Taehyung enters the rented gallery; a modern, expansive space of glass and stone. People are scattered about but most are surrounding a makeshift stage on which a band perform. The four-piece play their instruments with joyful abandon and the crowd seems to respond. Taehyung wonders if you’re somewhere in that crowd of people, absorbed by the performance and unaware of Taehyung’s presence. He can almost see you, swaying along happily. He imagines the smile playing at the corner of your lips and how it would undoubtedly fall away as soon as you saw him.

As the song ends the audience break into applause and Taehyung scans the crowd, disappointed not to find you. As another song strikes up his attention is caught by the band: they’re proficient yes, but there’s something magnetic about them too. But it’s not them that gives him pause, it’s the song; there’s a curious melancholy edge to the tune that gives him an awful sense of dread and so he turns away.

He makes his way around, finding friends and greeting them as the band finishes and disappears. In the quiet, he looks around at the now dispersing crowd. Finally, there you are: you’re with your friends and, as he suspected, Minho, Jiho and Jiwon are all part of that crowd. Namjoon was right, Taehyung thinks as he watches you: you haven’t come with any of them. Are you still single? Does it really matter? Like Namjoon said, you were never his.

He knows he should say hello to some of the people you’re with, but he really doesn’t want to. He knows more than one of your friends despises him, but some of your friends are his seniors and this is his friend’s party, he knows shouldn’t be rude. As he’s considering how to approach, Jiho catches his eye and delivers a sharp nod before looking away. It’s not unfriendly, but nor is it friendly either, it’s a neutral look that clearly says, ‘I acknowledge you, there’s not a need for you to come over.’ 

Taehyung is not really surprised to find out that it’s not just some of your friends that dislike him, in fact, it seems to be universal: as soon as his presence is registered they group around you like a clutch of mother hens, shielding you from the gaze of a dangerous predator. For a moment Taehyung wonders if that’s what he is, or has been, to you.

Beside him, Jimin notices and begins to offer words of comfort before Taehyung conceals his embarrassment and pain behind a scoff at their behaviour, managing a conceited smirk. Taehyung knows how to perform the part of the nonchalant, disinterested guy, but Jimin knows him too well to buy the act. 

However, your friend Jiwon, stood facing Taehyung, notices, seeing the smirk and he believes it. In reply his blood boils and his smile sinks into a scowl.

Surrounded by his friends, Taehyung takes a seat and sips the beer Jin has brought him. Some other friends, Yoongi and Hobi, have taken to the DJ booth, and the music starts back again. 

In the midst of his closest friends, Taehyung still cannot relax and his attention never strays far from you. He watches as you take to the dance floor with Minho. 

He hates watching you dance: you are always self-conscious and shy so your initial movements are always slow, small, a little off-beat and awkward. You always look uncomfortable, but that’s only until you lose yourself in the music and the security of the presence of a dance partner you feel safe with, then you do your thing. 

It’s not that you then become some amazing dancer performing perfect choreography, but rather your body moves smoothly and the ease and happiness you feel flows through your movements and radiates beyond you. It’s almost as if you glow, and the infectious joy you feel spreads to those around you. It has always moved him, drawing him in like a moth to a flame. No, that’s not the right image, there’s nothing about you that burns or is dangerous. In fact, to Taehyung, you’re the embodiment of kindness, gentleness and safety. Once he thought those qualities made you the best friend he could ever have, but maybe a little too unexciting to be a girlfriend. Now, wiser through experience, he realises that he couldn’t have been more wrong. 

If he were in less pain he’d be embarrassed that he’s fallen into the cliché of endless people before him: yet another fool that didn’t know what a good thing he had until he’d lost it. As he watches you, that’s the main thought in his mind: how perfect you are and how much he’d give anything to have you back in his life. 

There are other thoughts swirling too and unlike his view of you, Taehyung knows he’s far from perfect. He ought to admit that watching you dance never fails to stir a feeling low within him, causing his pants to feel too tight. That’s not the worst of it though, because it also stirs his heart and that’s far more dangerous. Watching you dance is like falling for you all over again.

So yeah, Taehyung hates watching you dance. He hates it because it reminds him how in love with you he is and how he’ll never have you. Why? It’s simple; it’s because both you and he know that he will never deserve you. 

Still, even if he has abandoned all hope of ever calling you his, he can’t seem to avoid the memories of happier times when he would have called you his best friend. They haunt his days and nights; any time Taehyung is free to escape reality and is left with the quiet of his thoughts, his inner mind is filled with you. 

Now, watching you dance, he thinks of how there was a time when you’d open up and blossom in his arms as you are now doing with Minho, and he’d feel all those glorious things about you up close. But the last time you two met on the dance floor the opposite had happened; you’d folded up, like a daisy at dusk, wilting before him. Then you shrank away from his touch as though it burned you, disappearing into the crowd and were lost to him, in more ways than one. 

The moment was burned into his mind, the look you gave him was one of pure disappointment as you said ‘I’m done with you.’ That was it. Then you were rushing away from him. He wanted to follow you, but found his path blocked by Jiwon’s tense figure, a coiled spring of anger and judgement.

Yet, for all the pain, he watches you still. His heart stings as you dance with Minho and he falls for you all over again, his heart swelling, as he knew it would. How is he supposed to stop loving you?

You’re not dancing for long before the crowd make space for the returning band, now changed and refreshed. They move around the dance floor, greeting friends and falling in with different groups. The leader strides straight for Minho. Taehyung watches as eyes on the dance floor turn towards the man’s delicate features and handsome smile.  When he reaches Minho he shakes hands and they laugh together. Taehyung holds his breath, anxious for you - he can’t see you through the crowd now, but assumes you’re shifting nervously, your dance partner gone, lost at sea. His heart skips a beat for you and he resists the urge to rush to you in rescue, reminding himself that he’s the last person you’d seek comfort from.

You come into focus as a group leave to go the bar, clearing his line of sight. The soft shifting lights cross your face in a kaleidoscope of colour and in the illumination your expression confuses him: you are tense, as he suspected, but there’s a excitement to it that he can’t place. 

From beside him, he hears Jimin suck in air and he wonders why, his understanding just a beat behind his friend’s.The realisation catches up with him though as Minho leaves the dance floor and the guy turns to you, his arms closing around you and pulling you close. 

It’s ok, it’s ok, he tells himself, he’s obviously a friend. 

He must be, he reasons, because you’re melting into his arms which you’d never do with someone who wasn’t close to you. That thought makes his breath constrict in his chest as his heart seems to clench.

Namjoon said you were coming alone, didn’t he? So who the fuck is this fucking asshole anyway? Who booked his shitty, pretentious band for this party? Who does he think he is, swinging his guitar around? The guy’s obviously an asshole, why are you even friends with him? You hate guys like this don’t you? Fucking poser… Taehyung’s thoughts turn dark and tumble over each other in a maelstrom of panic as he continues to stare powerlessly on.

The hug breaks and before he can draw a breath of relief through his parted lips, he watches as the guy presses his mouth to your forehead, then to the tip of your nose and finally your lips. Taehyung doesn’t miss how the guy’s hand presses into the small of your back to mould your bodies together. Neither does he fail to notice how you respond, tilting your head back, your arms around his taut body, your enthusiasm matching the guy’s. Taehyung has never hated a stranger quite so instantly before.

Taehyung feels a million things at once as he watches the two of you kiss; it’s only when Jimin pulls him around in his chair, finally getting his attention, that he realises the predominant emotion coursing through his veins.

“Tae,” Jimin repeats for the sixth time, “let’s step outside,” his voice is soft and gentle and he catches the tear that drips from Taehyung’s chin and surreptitiously wipes his friend’s face.

Taehyung follows Jimin wordlessly, feeling his heart shatter in his chest. He hates how in love with you he is and how long it took to realise it. Too long, as it turned out, and now here you both are, in the same room again after so many months and somehow further apart than ever.

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In the privacy of the balcony, looking over the glittering lights of the Seoul skyline, Taehyung turns helplessly to Jimin. 

“Who is he?” he asks.  He doesn’t know how the answer will help, but he asks it anyway. What else can he do?

“I don’t kno-” Jimin begins before a voice from behind them interrupts, the tone dripping with smug satisfaction.

“Kim Woosung,” the voice drawls, “What else do you want to know?”

Taehyung wipes the remaining tears from his face and freezes his expression into one of stony disinterest before he turns to face Jiwon’s smirking face. 

It doesn’t matter how much Taehyung wants to know about Woosung, he won’t ask Jiwon for anything. He knows Jiwon dislikes him with a violent passion. That’s actually literal because the night Taehyung broke your heart, Jiwon had laid a punch on him that was so hard it had fractured his cheekbone. Taehyung was lucky that Jungkook had caught Jiwon around the waist just as he’d swung; Jungkook’s grip held Jiwon back just enough that the blow was softened and missed its intended target of Taehyung’s nose, which would have doubtless broken in a spray of blood and agony.

“No? No questions?” Jiwon taunts, “Okey dokey. How’s the …” he thumbs the corner of his mouth, smirking, as he gestures to Taehyung’s cheekbone with a flick of his fingers. 

Taehyung stares on coldly; he doesn’t show that he’s intimidated, but he is. He’s never been in a real fight in his life, it’s not in his nature to do so, but that one punch told him that Jiwon has known his fair share of scraps and knows what he’s doing when he throws his well-trained fists about.

Taehyung sets his jaw, steeling himself for what might happen yet and is surprised when they are interrupted by a very attractive, very pregnant woman, who appears behind Jiwon, “Baby, leave it,” she says gently and quietly, trying to avoid being overheard by Jimin and Taehyung, though they catch every word, “It won’t help. She’s happy, don’t waste your time.”

Jiwon beams at her, his scowling face transformed into a gentle, handsome smile, “Don’t worry baby,” he soothes before turning back to Jimin and Taehyung, “my wife to be and baby to be,” he says by way of introduction. Both Jimin and Taehyung manage to offer nervous smiles and polite nods to her which she replies to with her own shy, little nod.

Jiwon begins to turn away with his little family but can’t resist adding, “Y’know she’s far more sensible than me,” he says as he wraps his arm around his fiancée, “and I always listen to her. It’s funny how being with a good woman makes you so much better as a person - not that you’d know, eh, Taehyung-ssi?”

Blushing, his fiancée pulls him along, but before he steps back through the glass doors he calls a very distinct warning back over his shoulder, “One last thing, Taehyung - stay the fuck away from her if you know what’s good for you.”

Taehyung stares at him impassively, though his mind and heart race. When they’ve gone, he turns back to Jimin.

Jimin looks hopelessly at him, “Tae…” he says softly, not knowing how to finish.

“Who the fuck is fucking Kim Woosung?” hisses Taehyung, just as Jungkook joins them.

Jungkook ignores the question, his jaw tight with concern, “More trouble with Jiwon?” He asks, obviously remembering the same night, and the same punch. Jimin reassures him quickly and briefs him on what happened.

“Ah,” Jungkook nods, turning his attention to Taehyung, “I know a bit about this - about Kim Woosung, and about him and her  - I just found out from Minho,” he explains, falling over his words with nervous energy.

With gritted teeth Taehyung braces himself, knowing whatever it is, he’s not going to like it, “Tell me.”

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Jungkook tells Taehyung everything and Taehyung was right, he really didn’t like it. In fact, once told he really didn’t want to know any of it: he didn’t want to know that Woosung was the leader of a band and an accomplished singer, songwriter and musician. He didn’t want to know that he was popular and well-liked and that even your hostile friends love him. He didn’t want to know how that you’ve actually known him for years but only really connected when you were set up anonymously through a friend so you could pet-sit for him. He didn’t want to know the cute story of how Woosung’s apparently adorable dog brought you together as a couple. He didn’t want to know that you two have been dating for months.  He didn't want to know about the trips together and the meeting of each other’s families. He didn’t want to know any of it. 

Yet he does, and with the knowledge looping through his mind on his own personal torture reel, he moves like a zombie through the party, numbed and disconnected, his friends shepherding him around like a lost sheep. 

Much later that evening, he finds himself alone at the bar, not drunk, but definitely on his way there. He looks to his side as he waits for service and becomes aware that Woosung is beside him.

Woosung nods politely and passively at him before his attention returns to the bar, though Taehyung notices that the man’s jaw is tense, a muscle jumping slightly there despite his composure. So, Taehyung thinks, you, or one of your friends, have talked to Woosung about him. Great. 

Taehyung can’t control himself - like a child with a loose tooth, he can’t help but poke at it, even though he knows it’ll only hurt, “Your band was good,” he offers dryly.

Woosung’s eyes narrow momentarily before he conceals his surprise with a fake half-smile, “Thank you.”

“Kim Taehyung,” he says nodding as he introduces himself, extending a hand.

Woosung shakes his hand briefly before dropping it in distaste; he lowers his voice as he replies so he’s only heard by Taehyung, “Kim Woosung. I know who you are. I know everything about what went down between you and my girl,” he explains and Taehyung doesn’t miss the ever-so-slight emphasis on the ‘my’.

How dare this asshole call you his girl, he’s known you 5 fucking minutes compared to the years of history you two share... Taehyung seethes. He won’t say any of that though so instead he gives a light, condescending chuckle to suggest he’s unbothered even though his gut twists, “So I’m the big villain, am I?”

“Yeah, laugh it up,” Woosung says derisively. He seems to struggle for a moment, deciding on whether he should speak or not, but ultimately he gives in to the temptation, “I don’t know whether the unbothered asshole thing is who you are or if it’s a defensive act. To be honest, I don’t give a fuck, but you should know it’s not winning you any friends. And while you’re laughing like your above it all, you should know that she’s only ever spoken well of you. She said it was nobody’s fault that you two fell out. Jiho told me the truth about what you really did though.”

Taehyung doesn’t know how to reply; he’s not surprised that you’d cover for him, but it touches and hurts him in equal measure that you did, that you’d protect him even after he hurt you so badly. His face softens despite himself.

Woosung is glad Taehyung has nothing more to say. Seeing the guy before him now, he isn’t intimidated at all; it’s clear that Taehyung’s cool nonchalance is nothing but an act. He is clearly still bothered by what happened with the two of you and that satisfies him. He hopes Taehyung is tortured by it. All that matters to Woosung is that you’re his and that you don’t care about this bastard anymore.

He looks coldly at Taehyung as Jiho appears at the bar, “I don’t think I want to spend anymore time here, imma head back,” he concludes, not even looking at Taehyung as he turns away.

“I’ll get the drinks,” Jiho offers and he and Woosung exchange a few hushed words.

 Woosung seems to have second thoughts about leaving for a second, stepping back, and leaning into to Taehyung to whisper, “You should know that she regrets the years she wasted on you.”

Taehyung is struck dumb; Woosung may as well have stabbed him straight in the heart. It hurts far more than Jiwon’s punch ever did and he can only sit in silence, trying to stop the tears from falling.

“Taehyung,” Jiho intones flatly by way of greeting as he takes Woosung place at the bar, not even looking at Taehyung.

“Jiho,” he replies flatly, pulling himself together, “Joined the queue to tell me how awful I am?”

Jiho laughs, “Why would I? You already know it,” he offers bluntly.

“Jiwon seems to think I need reminding,” Taehyung replies childishly.

Jiho laughs coldly, “Yeah… can you imagine if Jiwon knew the whole truth of what went down with you two?”

Taehyung looks puzzled, “He doesn’t?”

“Na… he doesn’t,” Jiho confirms, “The party was enough reason for him and the rest of them to hate you. The only other person who knows about what happened at her apartment is Woosung because she always tells him the truth, otherwise she’s still protecting your dumb ass.”

“I get it,” Taehyung says, avoiding the point and the shame that your kindness brings him, “Everyone hates me.”

“I don’t hate you,” Jiho exhales with a roll of his eyes, “I mean, I don’t like you, but you know that. But I guess I mostly feel sorry for you, Taehyung. It was always clear that you loved her even if you were a shit friend and you fucked it for fuck knows what reason. Now she’s happy and you’re not. You’re the one stuck in a relationship with the girl you thought you should be with while you ignored the one you actual loved. It’s a bit pathetic, really.”

Taehyung says nothing, the truth of Jiho’s words cutting deeply. He forces himself to look at Jiho, and meets your friend’s cold eyes as he finds his voice, “Is she happy?” he asks without thinking.

Jiho visibly softens, his pity for Taehyung unfurling, “She really is,” he says truthfully, “She’s with the right man for her - he loves her, he respects her, he treats her well.”

The barman finishes filling the tray and Jiho passes his card over before he claps Taehyung on the shoulder firmly, “Just stay away from her, yeah? It’s best for everyone,” he doesn’t wait for a reply, carrying the drinks back to the group.

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It’s no good. Taehyung knows he should leave, knows that he should at least look away from you but he can’t take his eyes off you. You though, you don’t look at him even once, not even a glance. 

Eventually, his eyes follow you as you separate from your friends, Woosung releasing your waist as you head off. He knows you well enough to know that you won’t be able to resist exploring one for your favourite galleries after hours.

Taehyung knows this gallery, how many times has he been here with you? He knows all the exhibitions here and he knows the painting on the third floor that you love. Without a second thought, he slips his friends and heads off in the opposite direction from you so as not to draw suspicion. 

He decides he’ll wait for you there. He doesn’t know why; he doesn’t know what he’ll say or what he’ll do but he’s compelled to by some irresistible force.

The third floor is illuminated only by dim lights around the artworks and so it’s easy for Taehyung to blend into the shadows, unseen, sat on one of the benches, his long fingers playing with the stem of his wine glass whilst he waits for you.

It takes a while for you to arrive, almost until he’s past the point of hope, but eventually you turn the corner and you don’t even notice him, your eyes transfixed on the painting before you. He waits until you’re near, staring up at it and then places his glass silently on the floor, edging nearer to you, until he’s stood less than a foot from you, just behind your shoulder.

“Hi,” he says softly.

He watches as your body tenses, but you neither move nor respond in any other way.

“How have you been?” He asks, trying to stay on safe ground, hoping that you’ll speak to him.

You sigh then, it’s heavy, deliberate and purposeful. It says all the things you don’t deign to put into words: I have no energy for you, Taehyung; I don’t want to speak to you, Taehyung; fuck off and leave me alone, Taehyung.

He says your name softly in response, an invocation willing you to give him something, anything. It doesn’t work: you simply turn away from him and head back in the direction you came, ignoring him entirely.

He acts without thinking, reaching for you and catching your shoulder, turning you to him so he can catch you by your upper arms and hold you in place.

You look at him in absolute shock and he pleads apologetically with you, “I’m so sorry, but please don’t walk away from me. Please, won’t you talk to me?”

He releases you gently then and you immediately step back from him and begin to turn. Panicking, he reaches for you again, his hands extending towards your hands, hoping to grasp them in his hold, but they’re drawing away from him rapidly. Your palms face him, fingers splayed, as you draw them towards you, then thrust them forward forcefully, straight into his chest. It causes him to stagger backwards away from you, sliding on the smooth floor and tumbling with a crash onto his ass, and it hurts.

“Fuck…” he cries out in pain.

You finally speak then, voice trembling with your own unspoken feelings, “Don’t ever touch me again, Taehyung,” you say, walking backwards from him before you turn and practically run from him, the best you can, anyway, in your vertiginous heels.

Taehyung hangs his head in his hands and gives himself over to heartbreak for a few minutes before he collects himself. Finally, he clambers up from the floor and dusts his sore ass, head hanging low.

Its then that footsteps catch his attention; he looks up just in time to see Jiwon’s furious face before he feels the enraged man’s clenched fist make contact with his jaw, sending him crashing to his ass once more.

“What about stay the fuck away did you not understand? You fucking prick,” Jiwon spits as he closes in on him. Jiwon leans over him, grabbing Taehyung’s shirt with his left fist to hold him steady so he can aim the next blow with his right.

Taehyung grabs Jiwon’s arm with both his hands to try to free himself when more footsteps signal Minho and Jiho’s arrival. They wrestle Jiwon back, affirming to him that Taehyung’s not worth it, that it’s not what you want, that he’s not worth the trouble… 

None of them spare Taehyung a second glance as they return to the party, Minho and Jiho steering Jiwon carefully as he shakes out his sore fist, leaving Taehyung to gingerly feel his aching jaw. He gives up then, lying back against the cool floor and lets the tears roll from the corners of his eyes into his hair.

On the cold floor of the gallery, Taehyung’s tears flow freely without pause. He doesn’t hear the approaching footsteps over his own sniffing.

The shape that approaches him is blurred through his tears but he’d know you anywhere. 

“Taehyung,” you say softly as he hauls himself up into a seated position, wiping his eyes and trying to make himself presentable, “Did he hurt you badly?”

You always do that, he realises. You’re never vague, it’s never ‘are you ok?’ or any question he’d struggle to answer because there was too much to say. Why do you always make everything easier for him?

“I’ll survive,” he says, he tries to chuckle but only a choked sob escapes. He blinks away his tears and his heart swells again to see you looking at him with such concern. Without thinking he reaches for you and you respond instinctively, sinking to your knees in between his legs. He’s quick to envelop you in a clinging hug as he cries into the crook of your neck. 

Against the warmth of your skin, and the unforgettable scent of you, he weeps all the harder, giving into long, shuddering sobs that wrack his body. In response, you do the only thing you can; you hold him all the tighter. 

PART TWO: Tired of the Lies - A flashback to the night where it all went wrong

“We’re not that late,” Jiwon laughs, looking at his watch but finding the face blurry to his drunken gaze, “It’s not even 10 yet!”

“Yah!” Minho shouts, equally drunk, looking at his phone, “It’s 50 past 1, you idiot!”

“It’s 10 to 2,” corrects Jiho laconically, sleepy in his drunkenness. His arm is around you, and he squeezes your shoulder, smiling at you, sharing the same laugh at the idiocy of your drunken friends, even if you’re similarly wasted, “You guys are both idiots.”

“It’s the same thing…” whines Minho.

You, also woozy and unsteady, simply giggle softly as you reach the door of the house. You’ve forgotten why it was so important to be at this party or why you’re even here.

Luckily for all of you, the party is still in full swing and everyone seems as wasted as you. Quickly you blend in, dance, and find other friends. Eventually, Minho finds you slumped on a couch, thinking about heading home.

“Hey, just saw Jungkook, he told me to tell you Taehyung is here and was pissed off that you hadn’t come,” Minho informs you.

Ahhh, that’s why you came, you realise.

“She’s not his mother, it’s not her job to take care of him,” Jiwon sneers from him placed sprawled beside you on the couch, “He’s always demanding things of you, he’s such a prick,” he adds, turning to you.

You’re very familiar with Jiwon’s dislike of Taehyung, so you say nothing, knowing it’ll only inflame tensions, “When was this?” you ask Minho.

“Hours ago, I think,” he slurs, flumping the other side of you.

You lean back between them, “He’ll have forgotten by now,” you say lazily, “Probably found that girl he’s been hooking up with. He’ll be fine.”

Jiwon shudders, “He’s got shit taste in women.”

Minho smirks, “She’s hot.”

Jiwon laughs derisively, “And that’s it. She’ll cheat on him like she has every guy she’s dated. She’s a fucking bitch.”

Minho smiles, “Did she break your heart?”

You feel Jiwon getting tense so you put you hand on his thigh to calm him, and turn to Minho, “Dude, no,” you say firmly, “She bullied the shit out of Jiwon’s girlfriend in school, didn’t you know?”

You three discuss it for a while until Jiho appears in front of you, taking in the scene and your dazed expressions, “Time to go?” he asks.

“’m fucked,” Minho admits, whilst you and Jiwon only nod as you stagger to your feet, wobbling against each other before you turn and haul Minho up. 

“Need a piss first,” Jiwon shares loudly.

“Nice,” you laugh, “Left our stuff in the kitchen, meet you at the door?”

With a grunt Jiwon ambles off and the other three of you head to the kitchen, though you all stop just outside when you hear your name being said and you pause to listen in. You place your finger to your lips and you all listen in giggling silently, drunkenly childish.

Your laugh doesn’t last long. In fact, all amusement quickly dies and your face falls. It’s Taehyung in the kitchen with the girl he’s been chasing after. She’s quizzing him about his relationship with you, suspicious of your closeness, his dependency on you and the way he was whining after your presence earlier like a baby.

“You do know she’s like, busy sucking of those guys she’s always with, or whatever, right?” the girl laughs, and Jiho eyes narrow, but you simply shake your head in disbelief.

“She’s not like that,” Taehyung replies, “They’re just her friends.”

“If she’s so perfect, why are you here with me then, Taehyung? Hm? What do you want? We’ve already fucked a bunch of times. You wanna be my man?”

“Yeah, want you,” he slurs.

Minho rolls his eyes and covers his mouth so he doesn’t laugh.

“Not her?” she taunts.

“Definitely not her,” he scoffs cruelly, and you frown a little, surprised at his tone. Jiho raises his eyebrows at you in return and the two of you share a look of confusion that he’d be so bluntly disrespectful.

“If you say so…” she says smoothly, “I just thought you had a crush on her, she’s quite pretty in the right light, I suppose.”

“Na, not to me,” he says passively, though there’s a hint that he’s losing patience with her questioning.

“Bollocks, you’re beautiful,” hisses Minho in your ear, trying to reassure you, but the pain is no less for it.

“That’s reassuring,” she snorts, “Try at least to sound like you mean it.”

“I don’t care about her,” Taehyung says sharply, “I want you. Are we gonna fuck or not? I’ve told you I’m not interested in her that way.”

She can’t seem to let it go, pushing her point, “So you’ve never seen her that way? Your best friend who you spend so much time with?”

“She’s my friend but she’s not my best friend,” he emphasises.

“Fucking liar,” Jiho mouths at you, his face a blend of shock and outrage, “He’s so fucking jealous of me.”

You know Jiho’s right, Taehyung has always proprietarily referred to you as his ultimate best friend and has always been jealous of your closeness with Jiho, or so you thought, until this conversation. Has it all been lies? 

Focusing on Jiho you’ve lose the thread of what Taehyung’s been saying but you pick it up, only to hear he’s still denigrating you “…not my type. She’s boring as fuck. I think she’s probably still a virgin. I’d never go there. We’re not even that close we just hang  ’cause my family expect me to look out for her.”

The second Taehyung called you ‘boring as fuck’ several things happened: you froze, shocked and seemingly unable to move; Minho disappeared to get Jiwon, knowing he’d want to be involved and Jiho barged into the kitchen. There was no thought in Jiho’s mind other than getting you out of the whole situation: he’d start with the getting out of this house and then he’d free you from each one of Taehyung’s poisonous tentacles that have ensnared you for so long. 

As he enters the room, Taehyung turns, his face falling to see your friend there, panicking that he’s been overheard.

“Fucking asshole,” hisses Jiho, grabbing your jackets and turning from the kitchen. As soon as he’s back with you, he guides you forward and out of your stupor as the two of you head towards the front door.

In the kitchen, the girl smirks at Taehyung’s stricken face, “You’re so cute - it’s sweet that your bothered. Go deal with it,” she says lazily, “We’ll fuck when you get back.”

Taehyung rushes after Jiho, a vague plan of convincing him not to tell you in his mind, but his stomach plummets when he realises you are with him, crossing the make-shift dance floor. He reaches for your shoulder and you spin around, cringing away from his touch.

“You’re here,” is all he can think to say. Jiho turns too and glares menacingly at him.

Across the room, Jungkook takes in the scene, and notices Jiwon weaving his way through the crowd to get to you, Minho a little behind. Instinctively, Jungkook senses trouble and rushes forward before it all kicks off.

You laugh at Taehyung’s bewilderment, trying to keep control of yourself, but your eyes swim with hurt, “Yeah, I’m here, but I’m leaving now,” you say dryly, your voice cold and detached as you try to protect your feelings, “It’s late and I should be at home, y’know, because I’m so fucking boring…”

His face collapses, panic setting in.

You smirk coldly at the realisation settling into his face. You can’t maintain it though, you’re too hurt and embarrassed to maintain a cold act. Unbidden, a tear rolls down your cheek and your face becomes the picture of disappointment.

He opens his mouth to speak but you hold up a hand to stop him.

“Don’t,” you command, “I don’t want to hear it. Fuck you, Taehyung. I’m done with you,” you say as you turn away from him.

Taehyung reaches for you but Jiho is quick to close him arm around you, batting Taehyung’s outstretched hand away before he leads you to the exit.

Taehyung calls after you, making to follow you but he is stopped in his tracks by the growling of his name, “Taehyung!” 

He turns to see Jiwon appearing on his left, with Jungkook every so slightly behind. Then came the punch.

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Outside, you lean into Jiho as he holds you in a comforting hug, murmuring kind words and refuting all Taehyung’s little cruelties. 

Together you wait for both your Uber and your friends. Moments later they come staggering out of the house and trundle down the pavement towards you, muttering furiously together and Jiwon shaking his hand out.

When they reach you, Jiwon’s first words are “he’s lucky his friends threw us out. If he comes near you again, I’ll kill the bastard.”

“He’s a piece of shit,” Minho agrees, “we don’t know why you even bother with him - you have us and we love you.”

“I don’t think she will be anymore,” Jiho suggests as you smile weakly at them in thanks for their support.

“I’m done with him,” you confirm, your voice stronger than you anticipated.

“Good,” all three say in unison and you all laugh as the Uber pulls up.

“Back to mine for ramyeon?” Minho offers and the three of you accept gladly as you clamber into the car.

Powerlessly, with an ice pack held to his cheek, Taehyung watches from the doorway as the three of you climb into the car.

Jiwon’s voice echoes back to him, “My girl always says how pretty you are y’know, and that’s in any fucking light…”

Taehyung’s gut twists and his heart aches as he realises how much you heard. He stares on as the car carries you further away from him, disappearing into the thick black that comes before the dawn.

PART THREE: Just Take Me as I Am - A flashback of the visit that made everything worse.

It’s been three weeks since he saw you at that party and every day has been agony. You ignored all his texts and calls for a day or two, before blocking him on all platforms. He’s beginning to realise that when you said you were done with him, you may have been telling the truth.

Drunk as he was that night, he remembers the awful things he said about you, the childish pathetic words of a man who was desperate to get laid. He didn’t mean them, of course he didn’t. He was saying what he knew she wanted to hear. Of course, in the cold light of day, that excuse sounds pathetic even to his ears.

“We’ve been friends all our lives,” he whines to his friends, “This can’t be it, surely?”

Jimin doesn’t want to hurt his friend, but as he wraps his hands around his coffee, sipping the bitter liquid, he knows he should be honest, “What you said was pretty hurtful, Tae,” he admits, “I think she might have reached her limit.”

“What do you mean ‘reached her limit’, what does that mean?” he questions, pushing away the hot chocolate that grows cold before him.

Jungkook, beside Taehyung, gives Jimin a meaningful look, “Someone has got to tell him,” he mutters.

Jimin shakes his head but takes up the gauntlet anyway. Over the course of the next half hour he and Jungkook explain to Taehyung how your friendship seems from the outside and why they’re not surprised that you might have finally given up on him.

At first, Taehyung is deeply resentful of their critique, but as they go on, speaking as mildly and as kindly as they can, he realises the truth of their words: he does take you for granted and he often treats you badly. Never mind outsiders, he’s not even sure why you’re friends with him.

When they’re finished and Taehyung sits in the coffee shop booth in stunned silence. Jungkook gets up to order another drink and Jimin takes the opportunity to share a final thought with Taehyung.

“Tae,” he says gently, looking into his friend’s unhappy face, “I’m just going to say something that I think you need to think about. We don’t have to talk about it or anything, but I think you really should think about it…” he begins.

Taehyung knows Jimin is waiting for him to confirm he can speak. Why not? he thinks, He couldn’t feel anymore shit about himself… He nods, “Go ahead.”

Jimin takes a breath, “I think you have to really think about how you truly feel about her.”

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You lay on your bed. You’re freshly showered, you have a little make up on but you haven’t bothered to do more than throw a large tee over your body, bored after moisturising and putting your underwear on. 

You look at the clock and decide you could just have a nap. You’ve just cancelled lunch with your mother; you’re unable to face telling her about your falling out with Taehyung. You’ve known him since childhood and you know she’s so fond of him that she will definitely ask and you lack the energy for the fallout and long explanation you’ll have to give about cutting him out of your life. 

Now, you have hours of time before you’re due at Jiho’s for pizza night; it’s hardly a trek, your friends won’t expect you to make an effort and he only lives two floors up from you in the same building. You contemplate taking your make up off and having a nap, but then wonder who might be at Jiho’s tonight. Recently he’s taken to trying to set you up with the nicest guys he knows and some of them are undeniably hot; maybe the make up should stay on and you should make some kind of effort…

You daydream about one particularly cute guy, your thoughts giving way to fantasy as you feel the heat grow between your legs. As your hand is about the slip into your underwear you are interrupted by a distinctive knock at your door that you recognise immediately. You frown a little, getting off the bed and appraising yourself in the mirror. Deciding the tee is long enough, at least for Jiho’s eyes, you pad barefoot to your front door.

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Jimin’s words won’t leave Taehyung’s mind as he heads home from the café. Sat on the subway the words circle each other in his mind. Jimin was right about everything, he realises. The train pulls up at his station but he doesn’t move.

He remains on the train another few stops before he gets up abruptly and gets off the train. His mind is made up and practically runs in his eagerness to reach his destination. 

Heart and mind racing, he slips into the apartment building with a group of old men that are shuffling along, back from their lunch: he struggles to maintain respectfulness, wanting to run past them. As soon as he is able, he heads rapidly to your floor, trying to imitate Jiho’s way of knocking in the hope you’ll just open up without checking.

It works.

“You,” you say in surprise, and he knows he’s succeeded in tricking you. You’re quick to recover yourself though, “I’m busy.”

He takes you in, his eyes lingering below the tee as they trail up your legs, “Doing what?” he asks. He moves closer to you, causing you to step back in surprise, which allows him to get into your apartment and close the door behind him.

Kicking off his shoes, he raises a brow at you, “What’s going on? You’re just never going to talk to me again? After all the years we’ve been friends?”

You huff slightly and put your hands on your hips. It causes your tee to rise up further and he can’t stop his tongue from wetting his lips. 

He distracts himself by shrugging off his jacket and hanging it up when your next words strike a blow in his heart.

“I’m done with you,” you repeat coldly and the misery of that house party washes back over him.

He turns to look at you, in pain and disbelief, “A friendship like ours can’t end over one argument,” he insists.

“We didn’t argue,” you explain in a maddeningly superior and detached tone, “You spoke about me with zero respect and, to quote you, we don’t have much of a friendship, we’re only connected because you have to look out for me apparently.”

He opens his mouth to speak but you get there first, “Incidentally, that was fucking hilarious because it’s always me that looks out for you,” you scoff, “So you’re were not only fucking rude but took the absolute piss too.”

Taehyung knows you’re right, but he doesn’t linger on that. You’re giving away your true feelings now, you’re pissed off and hurt; he knows there’s a chance he can be forgiven as long as you still care.

“I didn’t mean any of it,” he says quickly, “you’re my best friend! I was being an idiot. They were all lies to get her to stop asking me about how I feel about you -” he says moving closer to you.

“I don’t care,” you say, raising your voice in frustration and refusing to meet his eyes, “I have nothing to say to you. Whether it’s true or not doesn’t matter to me, you don’t get to talk about me in that way. You have no fucking respect for me. You never have. Just go.”

He’s towering over you now and you look up at him, nostrils flared in anger, “No,” he says simply, “You mean everything to me and it does matter. It couldn’t matter more! We have to fix this.”

“I don’t want to fix this!” you yell, pushing against him so you can open the door and throw him out. He doesn’t move though, instead he just catches your struggling figure in his embrace.

“I know you’re hurt,” he says softly as you struggle against him, “Let me fix it, please.”

You ease your struggling for a moment. He whispers soothing words: he tells you you’re his best friend; that he loves and respects you on a level equal with his family; that he was an idiot for lying; that he’d been worried she’d have been put off if was truthful about what you mean to him; that he’d been so, so drunk… he goes on, hoping you’re listening.

He suspects you might be relenting as your body seems to relax in his hold and so he softens his grip allowing you to move back enough to look at him, “So please, let me fix it,” he concludes.

“No,” you say, echoing his simplicity back to him.

“No?” he asks, confused, “No what?”

“No,” you repeat, looking up at him with tears threatening your waterline and your lip trembling, “No, I won’t let you fix it. I don’t know what it is you want from me, Taehyung but it doesn’t matter, I’m said I was done and I meant it.”

“I’ll never be done,” he breathes, his eyes intensely focused on your lips.

“What?” you say, clearly confused.

Realising no words will convince you and aching with need for you, he dips his head and kisses you quickly.

You don’t react at all, stood still in shocked silence, so he kisses you again. 

On the third attempt to draw something from you, when his soft lips press against yours, you part your lips for him. For a moment he is relieved but then you you bite his lip sharply. He pulls back in surprise, licking the sore flesh as you eye him triumphantly.

In that moment of eye contact, something changes between the two of you and suddenly, in the most primal way, you know exactly what the other wants. 

Any restraint that either of you were capable of is lost. He smirks at you and you kiss him. He’s not surprised and he kisses you back eagerly. His hands squeeze your sides and you take the hint to jump and he catches you. As your legs wrap around his waist he drives you into the door as the two of you kiss with frenzied, desperate energy.

His cock throbs in the confines of his pants and he grinds into you for relief, the moan you respond with driving him wild. 

His hot mouth moves to your neck and, as he bites into you, he groans, “Fuck, I want you so fucking badly, but are you sure about this?” the question is punctuated by a forceful grind of his cock against you.

“Shut up and just fuck me, Tae,” you whisper and he’s quick comply; carrying you to your bedroom.

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When he throws you on the bed, he’s quick to pull his tee over his head and he discards it equally as fast. Yet, when he looks down at you, he pauses for a moment. Your hair is mussed; your lips red and puffy; your skin is flushed; your legs are parted enticingly and your tee has ridden up around your waist, exposing the delicate lace of your underwear.

He notices you bite on your lip, “What?” you say nervously as you watch him literally stop and stare at you.

“You’re so fucking beautiful,” he says breathlessly, surprised that your reaction is to scramble up the bed and pull the neck of your tee over your head to hide your face as you make a quiet ‘squeee’ sound of embarrassment.

You’re so adorable, he thinks, how can you be so fucking sexy one minute and so cute the next? He strips to his boxers and crawls on top of you, supporting himself on his elbows and knees as he prizes your tee out of your grip, managing to pull it gently past your eyes. He looks at you softly as he presses a kiss your forehead.

“Are you ok?” he asks gently, though he can’t conceal the teasing edge to his tone.

You nod and allow him to ease the tee further down, past your chin. As soon as your face is free, he’s quick to kiss you again but it’s a far gentler kiss than the ones that went before. A soft, perfectly synchronised kiss full of feeling and longing. 

As the kiss deepens, he lowers his body on to yours, tangling your limbs together, moving onto his side and pulling you with him so he doesn’t crush you. As he kisses and grinds against you, he’s thrilled to feel you push back, seeking the same delicious friction. When you eventually break part you’re both breathless and he searches your eyes, desperate to see the reflection of what he’s feeling right now. He wants to tell you how he feels, but you look too nervous, too skittish and he’s afraid of losing the fragile connection he’s rebuilding with you so he stays silent.

“We don’t have to do this,” he says instead, just as his treacherous, desperate cock twitches against you, causing you to giggle. He’s simultaneously grateful for, and frustrated by, the two thin layers of fabric that keep his cock from touching you where he wants to most.

You tease your fingers into the back of his head, playing with the hair that curls there, “I want to do this,” you say boldly, before shyness overtakes you again and you kiss him to hide away.

He allows you your moment, happy to be kissing you again, and chases your lips with his own. Somewhere in the series of kisses, he wrests your tee from you, and can barely control his groan of lust when he slips your bra from you, his hands quickly moving to your chest, enjoying how you shudder pleasurably under his touch.

The longer you kiss, the more impatient you both become and it’s with trembling fingers that Taehyung hooks into the band of your underwear and eases them down your legs. You’re bolder than him, your hand easing into his boxers and wrapping gently around his thick, throbbing cock. He pushes hard into your grip, and hisses as you begin a firm but gentle, teasingly slow glide up and down his aching length.

His mind goes blank, and he can only gasp into your mouth, overcome by your touch. When he come back to himself, he laughs gently, “Fuck, you’re good at this…” he moans as you rub your thumb over his sensitive tip and your other hand moves to play with his balls as he roughly pulls his boxers down and kicks them off.

Time seems to stop as he loses himself in your touch, breathing deeply. He can’t believe how close he’s getting so quickly and he begs you to stop, “I’m gonna come,” he groans.

“So?” you giggle, kissing his neck, “Why not?”

He whimpers as he eases you off him, “Because I wanna come in you,” he admits as you pull away from him, “Can I?”

You roll away from a moment, reaching for the bedside table and he seizes the opportunity to wrap his hungry mouth around your nipple, nibbling gently, his tongue flicking the bud. He grins at the way your back arches and your body shivers. With a quick lick of his fingers, he slides his hand between your legs as he reattaches his mouth to your breasts, grinning at the wetness he finds there.

“So wet for me,” he moans as his searching fingers find your clit and he draws rapid circles across the sensitive nub. After a few minutes of you thrashing under his tongue and touch, your hands wrap around him and he lifts his head to look at you when he feels the scratch of foil against his skin. He raises his eyebrows at you.

“I’m not a virgin,” you say dryly, and he can only nod as he takes the condom from you.

“I’ll be gentle,” he promises as he open the packet and slips the condom on.

“I don’t want you to be,” you admit and then he’s kissing you again. The next thing either of you are aware of, you’re on your back, and he’s on top of you. He wraps his fingers around his cock, pressing against the underside, and pushes himself gently into your tight hole; you barely seems to be able to yield to him, the tension and pressure makes his cock even harder.

It’s not easy, and he pauses as you wince and hiss through your teeth beneath him as he pushes into you. You’re dripping wet for him, but you’re still so tight around him that he knows it must hurt.

“I’ll stop,” he says as you look up at him, your eyes watering a little. You look at him in betrayal, hooking your legs around him, pressing your heels into his ass as you raise your hips, drawing him into you.

He can’t help himself, the feel of you is too much, your lust for him is too addictive and so he grips your hips and drives his cock into you, pushing deeply until his balls press against your body. You both cry out, bodies shaking.

You tense around him as you adjust, your walls squeezing him, “Fuck, you feel so fucking good. I think I’ll come just from this,” he warns.

You giggle and that makes the clenching of your walls even more delicious, “Stop that,” he laughs before you silence him with another kiss.

As you make out, he starts to move, sliding in and out of you gently and you gasp into his mouth.

“Oh God, Tae,” you moan, “Feels so good.”

He smiles as he supports himself above you, “I know,” he agrees, pressing his forehead against yours, “You feel so fucking amazing.”

He keeps kissing you sporadically as he sets a pace, maintaining slow, deep thrusts into you. 

Taehyung is on cloud nine. This is the best he’s ever felt. He knows he can only have been fucking you for minutes but it feels like hours, it’s the closest he’s ever felt to another person. In so many ways, you’ve always felt like an extension of himself, of his soul really, and now his body is at one with yours. He didn’t realise until now how much he needed this. He didn’t realise he felt incomplete until he found the completeness of being inside you. 

This is everything to him, a perfect mix of rhythm and discord: the breath passing from his mouth to yours is raggedly uneven, contrasting with the fluid synchronicity of his cock driving into you whilst your hips roll to meet each thrust.

“I want this to last forever,” he moans against your lips, with another deep roll of his hips. His hand moves between you, working your clit as your body writhes beneath him, “and I want to make you come,” he moans, “wanna see it.”

“Don’t stop,” you beg, your eyes desperate and he realises you’re close.

“I won’t,” he promises, “I’m gonna give you everything, can you take it?”

“I can take it,” you whimper, raising your hips to meet him as he speeds up his thrusts, making you almost scream.

“Good girl,” he praises, dropping his head into the crook of your neck as he pounds into you, “That’s my girl.”

You clench around him at the praise, and come undone beneath him, clinging to his biceps as you moan for him, your cries almost a wail. He lifts his head in time to catch your your expression: your smile, the way you bite your lip, your desperate gasps. I did that, he thinks, I’ve made her come. I’ve made that beautiful reaction happen.

The tightening and spasming of your walls around him is almost enough for him and he forces himself to withdraw from you.

“Can you take more?” he pants slightly, as you come down from your high.

“I can, please keep going, come for me” you say breathlessly, gently pushing his sweaty hair from his face tenderly.

He drinks you in, the glow of sweat on your prettily flushed skin, your eyes wide and sparkling for him… This is it for him. You’re everything he’s ever wanted. He doesn’t berate himself again for not knowing sooner, instead his simply resolves that he’s never going to let you go.

“You’re so perfect,” he says, thrusting back into you without warning and snapping his hips into you desperately, setting a new rapid pace. You moan out in surprise and it drives him wild; he hammers into you unrelentingly in reaction, and you can’t contain your cries.

“Fuck,” he groans as your still-spasming walls clench around him, making the drag and thrust of his movements more of a strain, but he only fucks you harder as your eyes begin to water at the overstimulation. 

Taehyung pants as he fucks you in total bliss; all he wants now is to come inside you and he curses the need for protection. He promises himself that he’ll earn your trust soon so he can fuck you raw and fill you with his cum.

He can’t get over the feeling of being inside you. The tightness that grips around him is like you’re walls have been moulded to perfectly grip his cock; the wonderful heat of you that is both comforting and so fucking arousing; the way your spasming walls pulsed around him when you came… It’s too much, you’re too perfect and he knows that this, being with you, being inside you, is the best he’s ever going to feel. In this one moment, you are ruining him forever. After this, nothing and no one will ever compare to you.

“Fuck,” he cries out, “I’ve never been this fucking hard,” he moans as he drives you into the mattress, your hands fisting the sheets as you shudder weakly, utterly spent. He doesn’t want to hurt you, so he as much as he wants to make this last, he doesn’t. He tells himself that he has a lifetime ahead now to fuck you and so he focuses on chasing his high. 

He abandons all rhythm and restraint as he pumps into you; hitting you so deeply in so many good places that all you can do is scream for him and cry out as another orgasm takes you by surprise.

“Fuck, Taehyung,” you cry out and it’s the sound of you coming undone for him and your convulsing walls that pushes him over the edge. He gives in to his approaching orgasm and it wipes him out, crashing through his body with the force of a tidal wave. His vision whites out and his hearing fades. Every single fibre of his body is focused on the blissful feeling of release as he shoots his cum into the condom. His mind goes blank and he collapses on you, keeping his cock deep inside you. 

After a few seconds, his mind clears and he’s aware of you calling to him, telling him he’s crushing you. He gently eases himself out of you, handling the condom carefully and tying it before he discards it. Then he rolls off you, pushing his sweaty hair from his forehead.

“Fuck, that was beyond amazing,” he grins as he eases himself next to you on the bed. Lying on his side, he runs his finger up and down the bone between your breasts, feeling the hot moistness of your sweaty skin as he kisses your temple before his finger travels to your jaw and he guides your face to his so he can kiss you tenderly. As your soft lips part from his you wince, moving your legs carefully, clearly sore after the pounding you’ve taken from him.

“I have to clean up,” you say, throwing the oversized tee back on and staggering to the bathroom. 

Taehyung, full of joy, smiles at you stupidly as you totter out; he’s giddy with happiness. When you’re gone, sated and peaceful, he stretches out and falls into a gentle slumber.

He only wakes when you return to the bedroom, body wrapped in a towel, wet hair dripping down your skin. He stretches his arms out, inviting you back into his embrace. You laugh gently and it’s the best sound he’s heard; it’s a melody he wants to soundtrack his days with.

You throw a clean towel at him, “Get a shower, for fuck’s sake,” you giggle.

He bounds from the bed, pulling you into a long kiss before he departs for the shower, laughing as you slap his naked ass as he passes you. He can’t help but wonder if you’ll go another round when he gets out.

⦂⦂⦂⦂⦂⦂⦂⦂⦂⦂⦂⦂⦂⦂⦂⦂⦂⦂⦂⦂⦂⦂⦂⦂⦂⦂⦂⦂⦂⦂

Taehyung smiles at himself as he wipes the steam from the bathroom mirror. He’s happier than he’s seen himself in a long time. 

As he pushes his damp hair back from his face, he spies the reflection of the clock and smiles again. It’s late but not too late: there’s more than enough time for you two to go out to dinner. It could be a date, he thinks, your first date… then you can come home and fuck all night. He can’t wait to taste you, or to feel your mouth around his cock… He shudders pleasurably and as he feel his cock stir he forces sex from his mind, turning to thoughts of dinner. You two have all the time in the world now and it’s crucial you realise his feelings for you, not just that he wants to fuck you.

Where to go? He plans as he dries his body, What will you want to eat? What will make you happiest? His mind immediately recalls your favourite tteokbokki place and as soon as he does, his heart swells again. 

You ate at that pub regularly with your other friends, to the point where it made him quite jealous. Taehyung knew you had other friends than him and he tried not to let it bother him, you two weren’t attached at the hip so he couldn’t really complain. Nonetheless, this one pub seemed to pop up over and over again on your Instagram feed and a quiet jealousy about it built in him. His peevish, petty comments about it eventually caught your attention and so one day, you took him there: just the two of you.

Jealous as he was, he was reluctant when you suggested it; tteokbokki is often far too hot for his tastes and he didn’t want to be laughed at while he fanned his mouth desperately. But you’d simply pointed both your thumbs at yourself and smiled cheesily, the code meaning ‘trust me’ between you, since you were children, part of a whole secret language only the two of you share.

When he arrived with you, he was surprised to be greeted by the sweet ahjumma that ran the tiny place as if she anticipated his coming. The tteokbokki he received was far milder and more delicious than any he’d had before. It was only when you nipped to the restroom that he realised why, the owner sneaking over to make a point of telling him that you’d helped her out of a tight spot and the only payment you’d accept was that she’d make special mild tteokbokki for your friend whenever you brought him. He couldn’t believe it and yet he completely did at the same time; it was typical of you and everything he loves about you.

Did he love you then? Now he realises that he did, and he’s amazed that he didn’t know at the time. He’s just as amazed that he also failed to realise that you loved him. Of course you do, how else could you be so perfect for him? How else could you be so wonderful?

So, tteokbokki it is, he decides as he comes back into your bedroom. He expects to find you dressed, so he’s surprised to see that your hair is still in a towel and you’ve wrapped a robe around yourself as you sit on your bed, your phone in your hand.

You’re staring down, so he can’t read your face, but the confusing scene does little to dampen his enthusiasm. He pulls on his clothes, which you’ve neatly folded for him, waiting for you to say something.

“So,” he says cheerily, doing his belt up, “I was thinking we could get dinner together? That tteokbokki place you love so much?”

You look up at him then, a detached emptiness in your eyes, “Aren’t you already late for dinner?” you say flatly, glancing at the shiny black rectangle which lies on the bedside table.

Taehyung’s world implodes. 

The memory of his plans for this evening crash over him like icy water, dowsing him in cold reality: the moment he decided he had to see you all other thoughts left his mind, they all flood back now though.

He’s late for the date he has already planned with his girlfriend. The girlfriend you don’t know about. The girl he intends to break up with to be with you. The girl from the party. 

He panics, not knowing how to explain, his mouth opening and closing desperately, like a fish out of water, as he fumbles for words.

“Don’t bother,” you say numbly, your expression blank, “I understand exactly what’s happened. Just get out, Taehyung.”

“No, no,” he says desperately, moving towards you, “You don’t understand, it’s not like it seems -”

You pick up his phone and sling it at him. It’s a surprise and though his quick reflexes allow him to catch it, he drops it straight away in sweaty-palmed nerves. 

As he suspected, when the phone hits the carpeted  floor, the screen lights up he sees the range of notifications from his very annoyed girlfriend, desperate to know where he is and more than a little pissed off to find herself sat waiting at a restaurant without any sight of him.

When he stands back up, you’ve slipped out of the room unseen and he finds himself alone.

“Fuck,” he cries aloud, calling your name desperately as he strides through your apartment, rushing to the living room where he hears movement.

Your front door is open. Stood in the doorway, jaw set and eyes burning angrily, stands your neighbour and other best friend, Woo Jiho.

“Time to go, Taehyung,” he states plainly, “You’ve overstayed your welcome, you absolute piece of shit.”

Jiho steps inside the apartment and kicks Taehyung’s shoes out into the hallway before he steps to the side, indicating for Taehyung to leave with a patronising flick of his hands.

What else is there to do? Taehyung thinks, moving past Jiho silently and slipping his feet into his shoes over the worn-in backs. He doesn’t pay attention to Jiho’s scowling face. Taehyung’s mind is focused on you and you only: he is strategising what to say to you next, and what he can do to fix things with you, biting on his lip as his brain whirrs.

“Hey,” Jiho says, calling him to attention and throwing Taehyung’s jacket at him.

“Let me stop you there,” Jiho says perceptively, watching Taehyung carefully, “you can quit planning your next douchebag move. She called me here to get rid of you. She’s been very clear that she’s just made the worst mistake of her life with you and she never wants to see you again.”

Taehyung can’t process the information quickly enough to react before Jiho starts speaking again.

“And let me make something else clear,” Jiho continues, “All of us, all of us who really care about her, are fed up of you and your bullshit constantly pulling her down. You’re not a friend, you’re not even a man, you’re just a fucking parasite feeding off her. You always have been. I’m glad she’s finally rid of you.”

Pathetically, Taehyung trots out his only defense, “She’s my be-” he begins but finds himself cut off as Jiho preempts him again.

“No, no, no. You are not her best friend, I am. This is what real friendship looks like. So if any part of you has something resembling a conscience, then you’ll fuck off and leave her alone.”

Taehyung opens his mouth to respond but Jiho is already slamming the door shut in his face.

Stunned, confused and numb, Taehyung staggers from your apartment block. It takes him weeks to process what’s happened but eventually he gets the message after endless signs: you block his number; the doorman refuses his entry to your building; his desperate attempt of writing to you is returned unopened. The final warning is the biggest surprise though, and the one that make him cease his constant attempts to contact you.

Anyone who knows anything about Taehyung knows how much family matters to him. It’s well known that loves and respects his father deeply and so when his dad calls him and asks him to come to dinner, Taehyung is quick to accept. 

At dinner, of course his father asks after you, your families have been close all your lives and your fathers are best friends. Taehyung finds it hard to respond let alone to explain. His father simply nods as though he was expecting such a nervous reaction. 

He then states the purpose of the dinner and Taehyung is mortified when he’s told that your father has asked Taehyung’s to tell his son to stay away from you. He’s grateful to find that neither of your parents seem to know the full details, but they know enough to understand you’re friendship is destroyed and to suspect that Taehyung is at fault, which he doesn’t deny.

By the end of the meal, Taehyung had confessed everything and is in tears, pouring out to his father every single thought and feeling he has.

His father comforts his broken son, tries to ease his pain with gentle pats and understanding words. He can’t humour Taehyung’s delusions that everything will be ok though: Taehyung might believe that if he could just talk to you and make you see how he feels that then you two will be together and all will be right with the world. Taehyung is a romantic, but this is one romantic ideal too far - it’s simply not going to happen. So, though it breaks his heart to do so, he pushes Taehyung to understand and to accept that you are well and truly lost to him.

It works: Taehyung does understand. He understands that you neither want to see him nor hear from him and that your friendship is over. Yes, he understands, but he doesn’t accept it. Deep in the recesses of his mind, Taehyung believes that one day, he’ll make things right with you.

PART FOUR: Make You Happy - It’s time to finally confess

On the bench he sat on earlier in that deserted section of the gallery whilst he waited for you, Taehyung now sits beside you, holding your hands in his. 

He is finishing explaining all the things he wanted to tell you. It’s overwhelming; what began as some sort of verbal love letter enumerating all the ways he loves you melted into a comprehensive catalogue of every single thing you’ve done for him that he’s valued and failed to show. In turn, that gave way to a list of every tiny mannerism and detail of your personality that he adores, all the in-jokes he can no longer tell, the unique language that you share that now dies on his tongue. 

You feel like you’re stood on the shore, clinging on to a breaker, whilst unrelenting wave after wave batters you; it’s all too much. It’s too much ti take in and too much to process. Still, you know he needs to speak and he needs to be listened to and so you push those feelings aside and you are who needs you to be, as you always have been.

Taehyung realises he’s overwhelming you, he knows this is too much for anybody but he can’t contain himself. Finally, he’s found the words that he’s never been able to find before and they rush from him like a tapped spring; an almost violent torrent of pure feeling and meaning. He tells what you have meant to him, how grateful he is for all the love you showed him over so many years, for all the things you did for him and how much he’d taken it for granted. 

“You are the best friend anyone could ever have and I love you,” Taehyung concludes as he takes in your stressed expression. 

He knows he’s pushing things too far. He knows you have a boyfriend, that he has a girlfriend. He knows he should stop. After so many years of being ignored though, Taehyung’s heart has finally been heard and fights to continue; it begs him to take the risk of telling you the whole truth. 

With a deep breath, slowly and deliberately, he takes the plunge, “I love you so fucking much, as a friend, always, but also, as more,” his voice shakes as he builds his courage, “The truth is that I am so in love with you. I never knew it was possible to feel so much for someone. It’s the strongest and most pure and most painful thing I have ever felt, but it’s so real. I love you. I need you to know that.”

You look pained, your mouth twisting uncomfortably, “Taehyung, please don’t…”

“I know, I know you have a boyfriend,” he interrupts, becoming a bit frantic in his desperation not to let you slip further from him, “I know it’s not simple. I know that. But let’s just make it simple for a moment, yeah? I don’t expect anything from you other than for you to be honest with me. You still love me too, right? You do, don’t you? You’re still in love with me?” he almost begs.

He can’t decipher the look you give him, your eyes wide and welling with tears.

“Tell me the truth,” he says, trying to sound strong, “I can take it. Just be honest with me.”

Your words are a hoarse whisper and you can’t look at him, staring instead at your joined hands, but he hears each word ring out as clearly as the peel of church bells, “I’m sorry Tae, but I don’t.”

It’s a blow, but not a surprise after how he’s behaved, so he quickly recovers, “I understand, I’ve treated you so badly. But do you think you could love me again? The way you used to? They way that I love you? That we could have it back?” he pleads.

You hesitate, your face the very picture of guilt. He watches you struggle, he knows that you’re debating whether you can bring yourself to say what want to. He understands, you’re a good person, you don’t want to betray Woosung, but Taehyung will help you. He’ll knows he can be the man you needed him to be - he can give you strength. He can make you happy.

“Just tell me,” he encourages with a warm smile, “Whatever it is, it’ll be ok. We’ll get through it. Just tell me.”

You swallow and blink and the tears run down your face, “Taehyung, I’m so sorry,” you begin, trembling as the tears flow fast and thick, “But you’ve got this wrong. I, um, I - Fuck! I can’t say it!” you cry in pain and frustration.

“Please,” he says softly, “We’ve come so far tonight, please just tell me the truth. It will be ok.”

You counter with your own plea, “Please don’t make me…” you weep.

Taehyung wipes your tears away with the gentlest touch of his thumb, pleased that you don’t flinch from him. He softly breathes your name, “I’ll make it as easy as I can for you… Do you think that you could love me again?”

You scrunch your eyes closed and steel yourself before you rush out the words as though that makes it somehow easier, “I never did.”

It knocks the breath from him and he gasps. His hearing seems to disappear and the room starts to spin. He grabs the edge of the bench to steady himself. It takes a moment before he’s able to look at you, when he does you look back at him in concern, embarrassment and guilt and he realises it’s true. 

Somewhere, somehow, he misunderstood everything. This moment right now is the actual plain truth. You, the best friend he has ever had, the one person he has loved with absolute certainty and with everything he has to give, do not love him back. Not only do you not love him back but you have never loved him.

Tears blind him as he looks at your own teary eyes, “Please explain,” he sobs.

“Taehyung…” you plead, begging him not to make you.

“When we -” he begins, turning to you and grasping your hands again, grateful that you don’t pull away, “That time, when we… I thought… I was so certain…Please, I need to understand.”

You take a deep shuddering breath and squeeze his hands gently, forcing yourself back into the role of being what Taehyung needs you to be, “Ok, I’ll start at the beginning…”

You do. You start at your teenage years and carry on all the way to the fateful day at your apartment. As you speak, Taehyung’s understanding grows slowly, like the dawn breaking; yet with every moment that the horizon of his understanding lightens, it melts away the fragile hope he cleaves to, as delicate as frost on a blade of grass. The more you talk the more he realises how wrong he’s been and that he’s never once had your love. 

You explain, in clear and devastating detail, your perspective of your entire history with Taehyung, and it could not be more different from his own. The picture you paint is a bleak one. It’s clear your teenage years were as he remembered them, best friends, as thick as thieves. Yet as you grew up, he assumed you still had the same devotion to him, but instead you explain that he became a burden to you. You don’t use those exact words but he knows that it’s what you mean. Suddenly the picture Jimin and Jungkook painted becomes even more worse. You explain that you two grew apart, that he became selfish, focused on himself and his needs only and somehow you and what you wanted just melted away and lost all significance to him. 

In the gentlest way you can, you tell him that over time, the expectation that you would always be there for him without much support back became exhausting. The bond forged between you as kids meant that you’d always do what was needed, would always answer the late night calls and show up, but you looked elsewhere for friendship and support. 

It breaks his already shattered heart further to realise that you had gone through so many things he didn’t know about, stressful things, awful things, and he never even knew about any of them. Why would he? Not only didn’t you trust that he’d be there for you, you also no longer needed or even wanted to turn to him; you had other, better friends who were there for you. 

He feels a fool, all those times he thought you didn’t want to be around him because he was with a girl and it hurt you to see him with someone else, you were really just wanting to get back to your own dating life, your own boyfriends - a whole life and series of relationships Taehyung knew nothing about. All the time he thought you were in love with him, you were just being polite, nursing your own crushes, all without a word to him. 

He is so embarrassed when he learns that one time when he refused to eat for days after a particularly bad break up and Namjoon called you to help you’d had a boyfriend then. He’s horrified to realise that while you sat with him, feeding him cup noodles you’d made especially mild for him, just like that tteokbokki, that another man was sleeping in your bed, waiting for you to return. 

That night he had felt so loved, now he realises you must have been watching the minutes tick by, waiting until he was in a fit state so you could leave him and return to your own life. His face burns with humiliation. He feels such an idiot: a blind, stupid idiot, and he tells you as much.

“You’re not an idiot,” you say kindly, squeezing his hands. 

He squeezes back with a watery smile. He knows the time is rapidly approaching where he’ll need to loose his grip and let go of you, but right now he doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to do it.

“I’m sorry to ask this,” he says carefully, “but if that’s how you felt, how you feel, then why did you, y’know, why did…” he struggles to be delicate.

As ever, you know him so well that you know what he means and when to rescue him from his struggles, “Why did I have sex with you?” you ask plainly, and you both laugh awkwardly.

Taehyung’s laugh is laced with pain though, your understanding is just another reminder of how well you know him and the contrast with how little he really knows you is unbearably painful.

“Is it ok to ask that?” he questions, gently. He is speaking so softly now, in his deepest, most breathy timbre. He dances around you like you’re some skittish wild creature that could dart away at anytime and he is terrified of you fleeing from him.

You blush slightly but nod, “Yeah, of course it is,” you reassure, “we’ve come this far, right?”

When you swallow your awkwardness you admit that you’ve always had a crush on him, ever since you were teenagers. He’s quick to interrupt to reassure you that it’s always been mutual, that some big, unspoken thing has always loomed over your friendship.

You smile gratefully, “After what happened at the party, I think I knew we were reaching the end of things for our friendship. Not just because of what happened, but because I was so tired of being that person for you at my own expense…” you pause as you think, and he just nods slightly in encouragement, “If I’m really honest, at the time I didn’t think about it. I had decided before you came over that I was done. I knew that we were going to end up going our separate ways and then, when you were there and when you kissed me the reality of that sunk in, I guess. I remember that I suddenly felt horribly sad, like kind of grief-stricken, that there was going to be this massive change in our lives and I just wanted to be close to you again.”

Taehyung smiles awkwardly, “Was it a pity fuck?” he winces, praying that it was anything but.

“Oh God no!” you exclaim, “Never! No, in that moment all the friendship we’ve shared and every feeling I’ve ever had for you and just overtook me and I couldn’t be close enough to you. Honestly, in that moment I’d have crawled inside your skin to be closer to you - I couldn’t get enough. I needed you so badly. Obviously, a fair whack of lust was in there too. I promise you that there was nothing fake about it! I didn’t do or say anything that wasn’t true and real at the time.”

Taehyung offers you a weak smile in thanks for your honesty, “If it hadn’t ended the way it did what would you have done? Would you have said it was all a mistake?”

You bite your lip, “I don’t know,” you admit.

“But you do think it was a mistake?” he presses.

“Yes, I do,” you admit, “but I think whatever had happened next, even if it hadn’t immediately gone wrong, it would have ended badly anyway. It just wouldn’t have worked out, I think it was inevitable.”

Taehyung is surprised by your pessimism; it’s the first thing you’ve said that doesn’t quite ring true. Still, when he studies your face you look genuine and he has to remind himself that he doesn’t know you as well as he thought he did.

“I’m still sorry that things went down that way,” he adds.

“I know,” you smile kindly, “It was shit that years of friendship almost ended that way.”

He’s confused, “Almost?”

You smile again, it’s the smile he loves the most. The reassuring smile that has always said, Trust me, Taehyung, I know best, everything is going to be ok. You nod, “Almost. This conversation happening now, this was the way our friendship should have ended. This is the end it deserves.”

You always choose your words carefully. Taehyung knows that and so your final word crushes the fragile hope that had begun to grow in his heart again: when you said ‘should have ended’ he hoped for a different outcome, a new chance, but then that present tense squashed all hope flat. 

‘The end it deserved’ would mean your friendship now needs a new ending, or no ending at all. ‘The end it deserves’ however is final. You are saying, as plain as day, that this conversation marks the end of your friendship with Taehyung. 

“I see,” he offers sadly, forcing himself to look at you, “I understand what you’re saying.”

Tears roll down your cheeks, “Thank you,” you manage to say, your voice cracking on the final syllable.

From there everything is a blur. You say your final words to each other, mundane excuses about the time and needing to get back to your friends, all of them are meaningless compared to what has been said. He finds he is unable to move and watches as you fix the mascara stains on your face and slip your shoes back on. Then, suddenly, you’re gone and Taehyung feels more alone than he ever has before.

He has no idea how much time passes, it could be minutes or hours, but then Jimin appears beside him. He knows you will have sought his friend out and directed him to Taehyung, knowing he’d be able to offer some comfort. It’s your final act of kindness, your final act of friendship.

Jimin says nothing, only sitting beside Taehyung, taking his hand in his and moving close enough that his friend can rest his tired head upon his shoulder and cry out the tears he has left.

PART FIVE: Let Go - Can either of you find peace?

“Why are we talking about this again?” you ask. You’re not annoyed, you rarely are with him, but you are confused, both by the questions and their repetition.

“Please could you just humour me?” Woosung implores.

You withdraw your legs from his lap and curl in on yourself on the couch. Mechanically you intone all the details of your conversation with Taehyung. You don’t omit, varnish or reframe one moment of the whole conversation. You tell him everything that happened exactly as you remember it, everything that Taehyung said and everything you said in response. You’ve done all of this before, from when you laid it all out straight after it happened and then many times more over the course of this weekend.

“It doesn’t feel right,” Woosung explains when you’ve finished.

“What doesn’t feel right?” You ask, a hint of worry creeping into your tone, “Did I do something wrong?”

“No,” he reassures, a little flatly, “Of course not.”

“Well?” you ask, smiling nervously, “I know you, Woosung. We’ve been together long enough for me to know that you’re not telling the truth. You know what it is that doesn’t feel right to you but you’re not telling me. I don’t know why you won’t say, but if you’re going to keep asking me to go over this Taehyung thing again and again, you’re going to have to be more honest.”

You don’t get the reaction you expect. You thought he might frown in irritation at being called out, or even laugh it off. He doesn’t though, instead he simply looks at you sadly, his expression both a little lost and pained. There’s a strangeness in his look that you can’t place, but your body reacts instinctively, picking up on a threat your mind can’t decipher: your heart constricts and you feel the beginnings of panic.

“If I say it,” he begins, “I can’t take it back and it will become real.”

You’re more than a little panicked now as you worry about what may come next, “Then don’t say it,” you say, a little desperate yourself, “just put it from your mind and we’ll forget all about it.”

“I can’t. I think we have to do this,” he admits.

You shake your head sadly, “Where is this heading?” you ask, your voice strangled, “I suddenly have this awful feeling of dread… I really don’t like this. Can we just leave it and move on?”

He smiles at you, it’s meant to be reassuring but it’s too forced, and it has the opposite effect, causing your nerves to spike, “I feel it too. I’ve been feeling it since you spent all day yesterday crying while you processed what happened with him. If we don’t talk about it, it’ll come between us. You know it will,” he pauses, his eyes searching yours, looking for your consent for him to you on.

“I understand,” you finally offer, your voice meek and your eyes welling with tears. You feel like he’s leading the two of you to a precipice. It feels that the smallest misstep could cause you to slip and be lost over the edge.

“The way you were with Taehyung doesn’t make sense to me at all,” he begins, “everything about how you reacted to him and the things you said to him… I don’t know, it just seems to me like you do have feelings for him.”

“Woosung,” you state nervously, really not liking where the conversation is heading, “of course I have feelings for him. He was one of best friends for a long time. I’ll always love him in that way. But it’s not romantic love. It’s the kind of love someone has for a distant great aunt or something. I’ll think of him fondly, but I don’t want to spend time with him.”

“I think you’re the one not being honest now,” Woosung states plainly. You open your mouth to protest but he cuts you off, “Not deliberately, but I think you’re lying to yourself. I think you are in love with him. I think you always have been and you’ve always been too afraid to face it, just like him.”

You can only stare at him. Your whole body feels tense and so you get up off the couch, standing beside it and bouncing on your feet slightly to try and rid yourself of your nervous energy, “How am I supposed to defend myself against that?” you half-yell, half-groan, “Let me be clear - I think it’s absolute horseshit. I am not in love Taehyung and I never have been! But if you decide to believe that I’m in denial then there’s no way I can ever convince you, is there?”

Woosung says nothing and you feel your temperature rise, anger beginning to take over, “What’s the endgame here, hm?” you ask, gripping the back of the couch with one hand, your tone much colder than you would ever normally use with him, “What exactly is it that you’re trying to achieve?”

“I’ve pissed you off,” he says stating the obvious, “I didn’t mean to. But I guess I’m angry too. All those things he told you, all this fucking obvious love he has for you… Don’t you want that? All your teenage dreams come true? Don’t you want to be with him when he knows you so well and is as in love with you as any person could be?”

Your lip trembles, “My teenage dreams? You’re being ridiculous. I’m not some love-struck kid! How can you ask me that? I’m with you. You are my boyfriend and it’s you that I’m in love with. I thought you loved me?” Your voice cracks on the final question and a tear escapes. For the first time since Woosung told you he loved you, you doubt him.

“I do, but I can’t compete with him,” he says dully, retreating within himself.

You explode, all the pain of the last couple of days and your fear at Woosung’s behaviour coming together and bursting from you, “How is it a competition?” you almost shout, “We’re together, you and me, I am not with Taehyung. How is he coming between us right now? This is so silly, it’s all a big deal over nothing!”

Woosung bounds from the couch himself to face you as his anger begins to match your own. The couch now acting as a barrier between the two of you. “Now I know you’re lying!” he yells, “And if you can’t see that you’re lying to yourself and me, you’re being really stupid and you’re anything but… I can’t even fucking look at you right now,” he says looking at the ceiling.

“Why?” you fire back, “Why can’t you look at me?”

He glares at you with such open hostility that you flinch, it’s such a hard look that you take it for rage, not understanding that it’s pure, ugly jealousy, “Because even now, your eyes are still red and puffy because you spent an entire day crying over something you claim is ‘nothing’…” he spits sarcastically.

“I don’t understand what I am supposed to say,” you offer weakly. The flames of your anger are quelled; the blazing inferno of his anger has sucked all the oxygen from the room.

“Tell me you weren’t crying because you can’t have him. Tell me that you weren’t crying because you wish you chose him not me,” he challenges.

“Fuck, Woosung,” you huff in irritation, “There’s not a choice to be made - and if there were, I would always choose you!”

“You didn’t choose me when you fucked him! I know we weren’t together then, but I was in your life hanging around Jiho’s desperate to see you! It was fucking obvious that I liked you, but you were so fucking oblivious! Why? Because apparently you always are! Oblivious to how Taehyung really feels, oblivious to how you really fucking feel! God you and him really are made for each other - both of you as fucking clueless as the other!”

Woosung draws a quick breath before he continues on his rant, “Tell me honestly, what if he’d broken up with his girlfriend before he fucked you and confessed everything then? Would you have told him that you didn’t love him or would it be him and you here now instead of us? Except you two probably wouldn’t be arguing, would you? You’d be all snuggled up and speaking in that stupid fucking secret language of yours or fucking each other’s brains out,” he spits out.

You’re in shock. Your anger pounds away inside you and you want to scream back at him, but you won’t do it. You won’t make it worse. Your terror at the thought of losing him outweighs your anger, no matter how righteous it is.

“I’m sorry for the way I am,” you say carefully, not allowing anger to creep into your voice, “I am sorry that it took us so long to get together because I didn’t realise you liked me. I’m sorry that I am so slow to catch on. I don’t know what I am supposed to say. Taehyung said what he said. I said what I said. Then I came straight to you and I told you everything. I’m sorry that it isn’t good enough for you.”

Your words do nothing to soothe his fears, “So am I,” he says, “But can you just answer the question? If he didn’t fuck up after he fucked you, would you be with him now? Be honest with me.”

You do think about it before you answer him. You owe him that. You remember the night spent with Taehyung and you think of how it felt at the party, his hands in yours, as he opened his heart to you, “I don’t know,” you admit.

“If you don’t know whether or not you’d be with him now,” Woosung says, his voice sharp, “Then how can you say for certain that you don’t love him and never have?”

You meet his eyes and see the fury and pain swirling there and you know he’s right. You didn’t spend the whole of yesterday crying just because of the shock of Taehyung’s revelations. You know you were weeping for yourself too. Sometime yesterday, lost in your own tears, you began to suspect that one of the reasons that it felt as though your heart was breaking in your chest was because you might actually be in love with Taehyung. In fact, you’re beginning to suspect you do love him, and maybe that you always have. 

You’re not sure what the truth is yet, but to say you feel nothing is a lie: you won’t lie to Woosung. You can’t lie to him.

“Tell me you’re certain that you don’t live him,” he repeats.

“I can’t,” you admit.

“I knew it,” he exhales with hollow satisfaction.

“Does it really make any difference though?” you ask carefully, tiptoeing around his pain, “Imagine I did have feelings for him? What does it really matter? It’s all done. We’re not even friends anymore. It’s all over. You and I are together, aren’t we? It won’t come between us.”

He scoffs, “It’s coming between us right now… He’s coming between us. You’re not choosing me, you’re avoiding making a choice and sticking to what you know and what’s safe. I’m just the safety option.”

Your lip trembles, “That’s not true. I love you.”

He raises an eyebrow, “You also love him.”

You look at him hopelessly, “That is not what I’ve said! What can I say to make this better?”

“Nothing,” he says with a heavy sigh, “You can’t say a fucking thing,” he runs his hands through his hair in frustration as you look at him desperately.

“I need some air,” he says as he suddenly strides away from you, heading to the door and grabbing his keys and jacket. Without looking at you, he jams his feet into his shoes and then he’s gone. 

You know he won’t be back today, and you can’t help but fear he might never come back. You collapse to the floor and cry and cry and cry, without thought or understanding. All you know is that there is so much pain inside you and this is how it has to come out: I t’s too much to bear.

You’re so numb to everything that you don’t hear the knock at the door a little while later, nor the sound of the person letting themselves in, nor do you hear them call your name. You don’t react when gentle arms close around and lift you to the couch, pulling you into a comforting embrace while you let it all out.

“It’s ok, it’ll be ok,” he says soothingly, stroking your hair, “I saw Woosung in the parking garage, he didn’t say much but I guessed you guys fought, we can talk when you’re ready.”

You sniff, “Thank you for coming to check on me,” you say between tears, your voice thick.

“I guess it was about Taehyung?” Jiho asks and you nod, the tears flowing thicker.

“What a fucking mess, eh?” he sighs and you nod again.

“Cry it out,” he says, “Cry it out and then we’ll talk about it later and decide what to do.” 

⦂⦂⦂⦂⦂⦂⦂⦂⦂⦂⦂⦂⦂⦂⦂⦂⦂⦂⦂⦂⦂⦂⦂⦂⦂⦂⦂⦂⦂⦂

It’s two weeks before Woosung agrees to speak to you again. You meet at a restaurant, have an awkward dinner and, over two courses that you both pick at, barely eating, you agree that you need to move past this mess you’re in. 

By the time dessert arrives you are speaking more freely and there’s a gentle optimism between you that you can come back from that vicious argument and that you can get past everything that happened with Taehyung.

Later, after dinner, you lay beside each other in your bed, staring at the ceiling.

“Woosung…” you say softly, your tone gentle and encouraging.

He doesn’t reply.

“Woo-” you begin, but he cuts you off.

“Don’t,” he says numbly, “I don’t want the clichéd conversation that it happens to everyone at some point… I don’t want to hear it.”

You don’t look at him, knowing he’s embarrassed and that he doesn’t want you to, “I’m sorry,” you almost whisper, “I’m sorry if I’ve done something wrong.”

That at least touches him, and his tone softens when he replies, “It’s not your fault that I can’t get it up,” he groans, humiliated.

You both say nothing for a moment. Woosung looks around the room, trying to take his mind off the awkwardness, or trying to think of what to say next, he’s not really sure. 

His gaze wanders unseeingly across your walls until it comes to rest on your dresser and a flame of anger sparks within him as he focuses on a framed photo of you on your birthday. Ostensibly, it’s a lovely photo of you and your best friend, Jiho, both laughing as he smooshes cake into your face. Yet over your shoulder, gazing at you lovingly is a clearly besotted Taehyung. Woosung’s blood boils. Unable to control his reaction, he snorts in frustration.

Already tense, his action is too much for you and you turn on your side to look at him, “Talk to me,” you beg.

“Can we actually get past this?” he asks, still not looking at you.

“Yes!” you reply fervently, “Of course we can.”

Finally he turns on his side to look at you. For a long moment you stare at each other. Gently you reach out to him and softly trace the rose tattoo on his collarbone. He shudders gently under your touch, but doesn’t recoil. A small smile fights it’s way into the corner of his mouth and he runs the back of his fingers across your cheek.

“I missed you so bad,” he admits, “I really do want to move on.”

You smile, grateful for his affection and warmth, “What can I do, what do you need from me?”

He shakes his head wearily, “You can tell me that you’d cry over me the way you do over him.”

“I have cried over you,” you say, a sharpness to your voice, “You just weren’t here to see it.”

He has the grace to look ashamed then, “I guess I deserved that,” he admits, but he can’t stop himself from pushing the point further, “You can promise me that you won’t realise one day that it’s him that you want and leave me. You can tell me you love me more than you love him…”

“In the two weeks you’ve ignored me, I haven’t spoken to Taehyung or seen him. It’s done with. What more can I tell you?”

Woosung groans, “Fuck, you could tell me a million fucking things, but none of them would help. Kim fucking Taehyung and his confession might have fucked us.”

“No, Woosung…” you say, not really sure how to feel. Part of you feels panicked that, just when you thought things were getting better, that he might be slipping from you again. Another part of you is simply tired, tired of the pain and tired of fighting for him.

“What’s that?” he asks, reading your expression, “What are you thinking?”

You don’t lie, “I’m tired of all of this,” you say, the tears spilling out, “I don’t know how to make it right and I am exhausted with trying to figure out what to do and always getting it wrong.”

Despite his obstinance, Woosung really does love you, and the sight of your tears is too much for him. He pulls you into his arms, kissing you on the forehead.

“I think we need a completely fresh start, my love,” he confesses as you snuggle into his hold. He can’t contain his grin as he feels you smile into his skin when he calls you his love, “What do you say?”

“I think you’re right,” you agree, as he pulls you closer.

The two of you entwine and settle comfortably while you both try to quieten your racing minds.

Just as you begin to drift off, Woosung whispers your name.

“Hm?” You hum sleepily.

“I love you,” Woosung whispers, squeezing you.

“I love you too,” you squeak back and it’s enough for him, for now at least.

⦂⦂⦂⦂⦂⦂⦂⦂⦂⦂⦂⦂⦂⦂⦂⦂⦂⦂⦂⦂⦂⦂⦂⦂⦂⦂⦂⦂⦂⦂

Taehyung rubs his eyes sleepily as he stumbles into the shower, ready to face the day. 

He stands motionless under the hot water, letting the warm spray wash over him as he runs through the day’s schedule in his mind and processes how much there is to do. Booked and busy: that’s the pattern of his days now. It’s what keeps him going through the darkness of his days and keeps his mind off the things that pain him.

It’s been a little over 4 months since Namjoon’s party when he gave you his heart and had it ripped apart and thrown back in his face. 

It’s been just about 4 months since he broke up with his girlfriend: yes, you may have broken his heart, but it was still undoubtedly, undeniably and irrevocably yours, so how could he go on seeing her? There was no hope for them. There’s no hope for anything.

And it’s been a week since his scorned and bitter ex spied him across a restaurant and sauntered over, clearly smug, clearly about to enjoy herself enormously. She interrupted his dinner with Jimin and Jungkook to tell him, in gleeful tones, that Woosung had moved back to LA and you’d gone with him. Jungkook’s guilty nod confirmed that he knew and hadn’t known how to break the news.

Yeah, it’s been a fucking great month.

Now though, spring is in the air, and as he washes his body he thinks about having a fresh start. He’s keeping himself busy, project after project, seeing his friends, seeing a therapist. He’s going to be ok. He’s not going to be the selfish man he once was. 

Taehyung is resolved that one day he’ll find love again. When he finds someone else, he’ll be honest with them and open. Then maybe one day he’ll be able to stop loving you. At least, that’s what he hopes for. He wishes he could hate you for hurting him, but he can’t. You behaved exactly as he expected you to. You always do the right thing no matter the cost to you, or to him. He wonders if the place you occupy in his heart will ever be erased by anyone else. He suspects not. In fact, he’s fairly certain that, even though you’ve never really been his, you have still been the greatest love of his life. You’re irreplaceable.

He’s still tortured by the one moment he thought you’d lied to him at Namjoon’s party; it loops in his head like a film reel. He knows you said it what happened between the two of you was a mistake, but he was sure you were lying. When he thinks of that night, nothing about it felt like a mistake. Why would you lie when you’d be so brutally honest about everything else? That moment, until it had gone wrong, had been the best time of his life. He shakes his head, trying to rid himself of the thought.

It’s too late though, because his body is already reacting to the memory of you. His hand slips between his legs and he wraps it around his hard cock and begins to stroke it lazily. His eyes close and your face and body flood his imagination as he recalls what it felt like to be inside you. His breath grows shallow as he rests his head against the tiles and moves his hand faster.

When he gets out the shower, he shakes his head into the towel, freeing himself from the water and the memories of you that cling to him. He tries, unsuccessfully as always, to put you from his mind as he sits naked on his bed, pulling his boxers up his legs, when his phone vibrates beside him.

He doesn’t recognise the number, but the beginning of the message makes his breath catch and he opens it quickly, almost dropping the phone in his haste:

Taehyung, I got your number from Namjoon. Hope that’s ok. We really need to talk. It’s important, I obvs wouldn’t contact you if it wasn’t. Are you free this weekend? It’s Woo Jiho btw.

Taehyung isn’t free, he rarely has more than half an hour unbooked, but he’ll make time. Fuck, if this is about you, he’ll cancel all his plans. 

His hand trembles slightly as he texts back. He holds his breath as he awaits the response.

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The plastic cover of the booth of the diner sticks uncomfortably to the backs of your legs. Spring has arrived unseasonably early and now you’re regretting your choice of clothing, wishing you’d opted for the trousers that lie strewn on your bed.

A quick glance of your phone tells you that Jiho is late and you roll your eyes. The waitress, impatient to take your order, arrives beside you and so you order coffee for you and him, firing him a text grumpily.

You are reconsidering the wording of your message, which is maybe a touch too snarky, just as a shadow is cast over the screen and your fingers pause in their corrections, “You took your time,” you grumble, deleting the text.

“Sorry,” Jiho smiles, “Traffic.”

You nod and then frown moments later, “Uh, are you going to sit?”

“Uh no,” he smiles, “I’ve booked us a karaoke booth. Really need to work some energy off, need to sing it out. Come on, let’s go.”

“Ok, ok, ok,” you acquiesce, as you always do. How can you deny him anything? Since Woosung realised there was no coming back for you too and ran half way around the world to get away from you, you’ve relied on Jiho more than most of your friends for support. In fact, he’s the only friend who knows everything that happened at Namjoon’s party and everything that’s happened since, “But I’ve ordered already.”

He flashes a winning smile at the waitress who smiles giddily back, “Can we get that order to go?” he calls in his most charming tones.

She nods and he wiggles his eyebrows smugly at you as you slide out of the booth, “You look nice, that’s good,” he compliments and you cuff him gently on the arm.

“You’re not to bad yourself,” you laugh, “Wait - you never comment on my clothes…”

He grins, “Maybe I’m just glad to see you out of stained, stinky sweats for a change.”

You cuff him harder as you collect the coffees and complain at him, even if you know he’s right, as he leads the way to the karaoke place.

When you get inside the small room it’s a pure assault on the senses, “Jesus, Jiho - could you have picked a pinker one?” you laugh. 

The room is garish, everything is in shades of pink and is heart-shaped, from the patterns on the walls to the fluffy rug to the seats around the central table.

“It was the only one left,” he winces, before grinning mischievously, “Or maybe I brought you here to confess?” he teases.

“That’ll go down well with your fiancée,” you say dryly as his face falls.

“Shit, I was supposed to call her about a wedding thing,” he grimaces, patting himself down, “and of course I’ve left my damn phone in the car… I’ll just go get it, I’ll be quick!” he explains as he rushes out, the door clicking shut behind him.

You simply laugh at his plight and put your jacket and bag on the hook. You smile to yourself as you hear the door open behind you, “That was quick, you haven’t lost it have you?” you ask.

“Lost what?”

You spin around so fast you almost lose balance, “Oh, what are you doing here?” you ask, slightly breathless, flushing at the rudeness of your blunt question.

“It was all Jiho’s idea,” Taehyung explains, looking awkward, “Is it ok that I’m here?”

“To sing karaoke with us?” you ask, puzzled, “Uh, yeah, I guess? I didn’t realise you guys were friends.”

“We’re uh-,” he hesitates, shifting awkwardly, “No, we’re not really, he called me a couple of weeks ago and we’ve been talking,” he explains.

“I see,” you say, narrowing your eyes, “I guess he’ll explain.”

Taehyung smiles uncomfortably and you notice he’s still stood very deliberately in front of the door, as if blocking your exit. He thinks I’ll run, you think and it’s only then that you realise what’s happening.

“So, you and Jiho? He called you? That surprises me,” you say, prying to check your suspicions are correct.

“Because he can’t stand me?” Taehyung prompts with an awkward smile.

“I wouldn’t put it that way…” you say, it seems it’s now your turn to be embarrassed.

“I would,” he smiles, “I think the words ‘You know I can’t stand you, Taehyung, but this isn’t about me’ were a bit of a giveaway.”

You laugh uncomfortably before you pick apart his words, “Who’s it about it if isn’t about Jiho?”

“You,” Taehyung says, as though it’s obvious, “who else matters?”

You cock your head and he’s quick to elaborate, “I mean, who else connects us? Who else matters to him and me?” you’re surprised and touched to see him blushing.

“Jiho isn’t coming back, is he?” you ask, almost rhetorically. In the back of your mind you make a note to praise Jiho for his acting skills, after you’ve finished telling him off, of course.

“He isn’t,” Taehyung confirms, licking his lips nervously. Your eyes follow his movements more closely than you’d like, your gaze lingering on his slick lips.

“How are you?” he asks; he’s cautious and endearingly uncertain. You feel the need to hug him but you resist the urge.

“Oh, I’m fine,” you say dismissively, trying to sound airy, “Same old, same old. You?” you cringe at how unnaturally high your voice is suddenly, noticing your palms are moist and your heart beats too fast in your chest.

Taehyung smirks at the effect he has on you and you hate how pathetic you are and how attractive you find him. Even more you hate how that smirk stirs a feeling deep within your core. Fuck this stupidly hot man, you think.

“I’ve been busy,” he says honestly, “It’s been a hard time since we last saw each other, when we, well, you know, you were there… and I broke up with -, well, we broke up, and I’ve been working through things. Trying to be a better man,” he smiles awkwardly, struggling to speak to you, overcome with nerves. He weaves his head side to side slightly in the cute way he does, so shy, so adorable.

His words spark a memory and without thinking, you smile as you recall his impression of Jack Nicholson in As Good as it Gets. Immediately you’re mortified that you’ve smiled and you look at him apologetically, but as you open your mouth to explain, he simply grins back as though he’s read your mind.

“You make me want to be a better man,” he says: it’s by no means an accurate impression but you both laugh anyway.

“I’m sorry you broke up,” you say when your laugh has tailed off, “That must’ve been hard.”

“Not really,” he admits, “I’m in love with someone else, after all.”

You look at each other for a moment. He wonders if you pay as close attention to word choice as he hopes you do. He watches the use of the present tense sink in with you, and realises that you do as your jaw tightens and your breath quickens, “I was sorry to hear about you and Woosung though,” he says softly.

You’re completely unsettled; you feel thrown off-kilter somehow, your thoughts racing around your mind. You have no ability to think things through, you can only rely on instinct, “Are you?” you say, trying at least to sound lighthearted. As soon as you say it, you regret it. Are you flirting with Taehyung? What are you thinking?

“No, not really,” he says, his voice at his deepest. His head is slightly tilted and he looks at you through heavily lidded eyes. Somehow in this short exchange he seems to have moved much nearer to you and you realise you’ve both been closing the distance between you.

You move to step closer to him but hesitate, drawing your foot back as the tiny amount of rational thought you have left tries to maintain some control over the instincts of your body.

“Do it,” Taehyung commands, watching your every movement as he steps closer to you, “Let go.”

You do. As Taehyung’s arms move around your waist, you throw your arms around his neck and press your lips to his. One kiss turns into another as he walks you backwards until he’s able to lift you onto the table, easing himself between your legs. He presses himself against you, his bulge hardening as his tongue slips into your mouth. He moans deeply as your legs close around him, pulling him closer, your hands tangling in his hair as your tongue flicks against his.

There it is again, who knew the rhythm of a kiss could matter so much? It never has to him before. Now though, with you, the connection between the two of you feels like a perfectly choreographed dance. He knows that he’ll never get bored of it.

When you break apart for air, you giggle and beam at each other before he attacks your neck with open mouthed kisses and a sharp nip. It causes you to moan breathily, drawing a grunt of desire from him as he grinds into you needily.

“Please desist in your inappropriate behaviour, Room 12,” echoes a detached voice through the booth and you break apart guiltily, both blushing at the CCTV camera in the corner and the little speaker beside it. You ease off the table and you both bow in embarrassment at the camera as you adjust your clothes guiltily.

When you turn to look at each other, you’re both flushed, lips red and puffy as you smile together shyly.

“Will you give me a chance?” he asks, his eyes wide and hopeful, his voice shaking slightly with vulnerability, “I won’t fuck it up. I promise. I love you so fucking much. I’ll do anything, just give me a chance, please.”

You take both his hands in yours, and he squeezes your hands in return, “Taehyung,” you say seriously, “If I give you a chance, will you give me everything?”

He kisses the top of your head, “It’s already yours,” he breathes into your hair, and you feel the relief spread through him as his tense body relaxes.

When he steps back, you freeze. You’re aware something momentous has just happened and you haven’t even begun processing it. Only this morning you faced another black day, forcing yourself to pull those disgusting sweats Jiho mentioned off your body and clambering sluggishly into the shower to wash the grime, sadness and pain from you after weeks of mourning your love, best friend and partner-in-crime.  That’s not even mentioning the misery of coming to terms with the fact that Woosung was none of those things, not really, and that in reality, you were grieving Taehyung, the never-realised love of your life, a love so deep and never explored. 

This morning you’d planned the day out. You’d force yourself to make an effort, to smile and to look halfway decent but only for Jiho, only to stop him worrying about you, you owe him that much. But, when the day was done, you had every intention of getting back into those sweats and the miserable safety of your bed the second you got home. Now everything has changed and you’re waiting for the world to balance on its axis once more.

When you pull yourself from your reverie you notice Taehyung is eyeing you cautiously and you wonder how long you’ve been lost in your thoughts.

You shrug your shoulders nervously, “So… wanna sing some karaoke?” you ask and feel stupid as soon as you’ve said it, laughing awkwardly.

“Not in the least,” he scoffs before nervous vulnerability creeps in yet again, “Uh, Will you come home with me? We have so much to talk about... Would that be ok?”

You nod, blushing furiously as he dazzles you with his relieved, boxy smile.

“Great, let’s go!” he enthuses as he grabs your jacket and bag from the hook. 

He catches you by the hand and leads you to the door, but when his grip closes around the handle he hesitates and looks back at you.

“When you said you regretted what happened between us that night, that was a lie, right?” he asks, seeking certainty, needing to know.

You nod your head, “I didn’t really know it was at the time, but yeah, it was. It wasn’t the biggest lie I told though - I’ve told myself bigger,” you admit.

His breath catches and as he almost whispers his response, “What was that?” he asks, hoping desperately that you’ll say what he would give anything to hear.

You step closer to him as you usher him through the door, avoiding making eye contact as you confess, “That I’ve never loved you.”

As soon as you’re in the hallway, he turns and pulls you into his arms in a suffocating hug, “Because you really do love me, right?” he asks, his voice just as broken and pleading as it was at Namjoon’s party.

“I do,” you admit breathlessly as he sobs and laughs simultaneously in pure relief and joy into your hair.

When he recovers himself, he pulls back and looks at you softly, “I know you’ve said you’ll give me a chance but you have to know that you’re everything I want, that I just want you to be mine. I can wait, I will wait until you’re ready, but I need you to be mine always,” he confesses in one breath.

“I already am,” you admit, echoing his words. 

“I love you,” he says simply, holding his breath and a universe of hope in his chest. He knows you’ve admitted it, but it’s not quite the same as saying it.

“I love you too,” you smile, saying the words he’s waited so long to hear, “I love you, Taehyung.”

With a wide smile seemingly glued on his face, his fingers laced unbreakably with yours, he leads you through the dark hallway and out into the light.

Author’s note: Thank you for reading, I’d love to hear what you think!

<<< BACK TO MASTERLIST

jungkook forgot to complete the heart with hobi 😆

My sweets, I just wanna say…be prepared and I hope that you won’t go through what OC is going through 😩😩. Congratulations and good luck on grad school 🫡💝

Glimpse of Us | KTH (Series)

Pairing: Problematic Idol Taehyung x Grad Student Reader

Genre: Idol AU, Ex-Childhood Best Friends into—, Angst (Hello, welcome to my angst central), Fluff (mainly in the flashbacks), Slow Burn, Eventual Smut

Summary: BTS's V has been living a lavished and successful lifestyle, but underneath all of that, Kim Taehyung is far from the perfect image the media and fans made him out to be. All he wants is to relive the feelings of happiness and purpose in his life, but how can he when he left behind those memories years ago? The same memories, he hopes to see a glimpse of.

Warning: TRIGGERS - Mentions of Drugs/Drugs use, alcohol consumption, violence (fighting), toxic relationships, unhealthy coping mechanisms, infidelity, unrequited love?, mentions of depression and anxiety, brief mentions of social anxiety (oc somewhat has it), descriptions of panic attacks, mentions of death/minor character deaths, descriptions of therapy/scenes within therapy sessions, a ton of flashbacks, financial instability, buckets of crying, the slowest fucking burn you'll ever come across, sexual content (but not too sexy bc this isn’t a naughty fic >:-|) poor OC is caught up in a lot of mess and all she wants is to have a better life,  tae is a bit of a dick and a walking red flag but he just wants to be better :--(, they're both sad in their own ways, each chapter will have their own warnings and they will be presented at the beginning of the chapter

Word Count: TBD (21 chapter total)

A/N: A little bit inspired by Glimpse of Us by Joji because I couldn't get the song out of my damn head and it’s my top song of 2022 😭. I made my own spin to it, let’s see how well I execute it lol I’ve been preparing this for a while. This is my biggest project yet! I’ve been planning this since the summer even if I’m not done writing the whole thing I’m kinda nervous about posting this

I’ll also cross-posted this originally on AO3 as well! Enjoy~~~

Chapter List

I. Finding Happiness

II. The Story of You and Me

III. Blue

IV. Everything We Didn't Say

V. Same Old, Different New

VI. Why I Love You

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CHEESY BTS VALENTINE CARDS (insp)

UPDATE GOAL: Posting tomorrow night!!! I'm gonna try to edit and go over the fifth chapter!!

I'm wondering if I should add or take things out that's why

I know many of you are waiting for the next chapter of Glimpse of Us! I’m currently busy with work and (attempt) studying for an exam so I won’t be posting until after this week.

To calm yourselves, here’s a sneak peak—

I won’t give context clues 🧍🏻‍♀️🧍🏻‍♀️

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Glimpse of Us | KTH Chapter VI: Why I Love You

Pairing: Problematic Idol Taehyung x Grad Student Reader

Genre: Idol AU, Ex-Childhood Best Friends into—, Angst (Hello, welcome to my angst central), Fluff (mainly in the flashbacks), Slow Burn, Eventual Smut

Summary: BTS’s V has been living a lavished and successful lifestyle, but underneath all of that, Kim Taehyung is far from the perfect image the media and fans made him out to be. All he wants is to relive the feelings of happiness and purpose in his life, but how can he when he left behind those memories years ago? The same memories, he hopes to see a glimpse of.

Warning: Flashback fluffs, kdrama references, talks of plants, idk teenage Tae hit for me in this, but adult Tae rn ????, some swearing here and there, the plot thickens and PAIN

Word Count: 13.8 K

Chapter VI: Why I Love You || Series Masterlist

“You practically live in my room with all the clothes you leave here.” Taehyung entered his bedroom carrying an extra pillow and blanket. He saw you in your daisy pajama set you received on your birthday from his parents. You sat on his full-sized bed on the right side while having his laptop on your lap. “And be careful with that! It cost a whole fortune.”

“Same goes for you. Half of my drawers are your clothes.” You muttered as you typed something on his screen. “I am also careful. I’m just trying to find a movie that we could watch.”

Ever since Taehyung got gifted a laptop for Christmas, it was practically yours as well considering how much time you’ve spent on it. He didn’t mind though, he loved sharing with you, and oftentimes, you needed it for school.

He opened up the blanket before wrapping it around you, then putting the cushion behind your back although you wouldn’t really need it since you always ended up cuddling to his side. “You wanna watch Spirited Away? Or maybe Princess Mononoke?” You asked when he sat beside you on the left and wrapped his arm around your waist.

Pecking your temple, he rested his chin on your shoulder. He tilted his head to the side as he stared in awe at you. But it went unnoticed as you scrolled through the illegal website you found weeks back. “What do you wanna watch, Blue? I’ll watch anything.”

A spark of mischief appeared in your lively irises. “Really?” You said before changing the entire website in light speed before your actual want popped up.

“Really, Boys over Flowers again? This is like the fourth time you’ve watched the entire series when it came out!” Taehyung whined. He only did so because when you’ve watched it four times, he too watched it four times. All the time. He pulled you back to the bed frame while you brought the computer with you. “Why do you love this so much?” Despite all the complaining and nagging, he obliged hopelessly to the viewing of tonight’s entertainment. 

“I read the manga.” You shrugged. “I love the main guy too.” Your heart fluttered envisioning you and Gu Junpyo together.

Taehyung rolled his eyes and suppressed the pinch of jealousy running through his veins. “He’s such a dick to her though. Don’t fall for guys like that.”

“Nuh-uh! He actually cares for her, he just doesn’t know how to express them well…” You defended your celebrity crush as you played an episode. You placed the laptop in between your bodies before snuggling into Taehyung with your leg over him.

“Whatever, if you really do fall in love with some asshole, I will beat him up.” Taehyung scoffed to which you giggled. He hooked under your leg, bringing it closer and in a comfier position. “I never want you to be treated like Jandi. He tormented her!”

“So what guy should I fall for?” You asked nonchalantly. You reached for his hand to intertwine them with yours, laying it on his chest.

“Someone who will give you unconditional love and won’t intentionally hurt you, Blue.” He murmured into your supple hair. While you carelessly played with his hand, he fluttered his kisses into your strands.

The conversation died from there as the both of you watched the episode, but halfway through the show, he heard your soft snoring. The side of your cheek squished up onto his torso. You let go of his hand minutes back so you could wrap an arm over him. You were such a koala, but he loved it. That’s why he grew to love cuddling so much.

Taehyung chuckled at your slumbering form. He closed his laptop and moved it to the bed stand so that you could properly sleep. There he turned the lamp light off, darkness spilled over his room. He shifted you to your side before doing it to himself, separating your bodies.

But you let out a tiny whimper, losing the warmth. Your best friend hushed you as he circled his arms around your waist, pulling you in. The distance between you closed with your fronts touching. You latched a leg in between his and cozied up onto him.

“Night, Hyungie.” You mumbled, air-kissing him when you dozed off again. He laughed quietly at how needy you looked.

He leaned in to peck the tip of your nose, watching you sleep in his arms as always. Though the only light came through the small window, he clearly saw your beautiful resting face. The warmth in you outstretched the vicinity and onto him A true sight for him to see. He never got tired of this view—having you here with him in his arms. Nobody else in the world could break you apart. He wanted to stay like this forever and will make it happen. He was head over heels. He loved you. He loves you.

He truly was in love with you.

-

Taehyung stared exhaustedly at his ceiling. He hadn’t been having intense schedules for a while, yet he was still the same amount of tiredness. But he couldn’t find it in himself to close his eyes and let sleep take over his body. Maybe it was all the thoughts running through his mind, following him from left and right. The gears of his brain worked despite the tranquility of the night and the calmness of the air.

He lay on the right of the bed, craning his neck to the left of him to see his curled-up girlfriend sleeping like a log. She faced her body toward him, staying close as she dreamed away about God knows what. Yet the distance was evident, limbs weren’t sticking together. It felt cold to the touch, but he wasn’t at all fazed. He glanced absently at her snoozing features, holding no impressions.

His eyes shifted back to the unusually fascinating white ceiling as his mind began to think of you. It has been a couple of weeks since Jungkook’s party. The morning after, the guests recovered from the hangover after the headache-infused Jungkook bought everyone piping hot stews. You arrived in the kitchen quietly, back into your previous night’s dress as you went down to the dining room.

You waved shyly before announcing your departure, skipping the free meal. But Jungkook was adamant about letting you take it to go, so you accepted it as you said your goodbyes left. That was the last time Taehyung saw you.

It wasn’t on purpose though, there was an increase in schedules for them, having a few group meetings and conferences to do despite the pause on BTS’s music. In between those times, he had to go to his sessions. He’d text every now and then to check up on you, but you usually replied late since you were busy. But that was okay, you confirmed that you had eaten and slept well.

Tomorrow—well, technically, today—would be his first day off in a while, and messaged you a suggestion earlier at night if you wanted to spend it with him. It was a Sunday, so he knew you were off. You haven’t spent time alone together at all since the reunion, so he assumed this was the perfect opportunity. 

He could have asked Clara, but she had family business so he canceled the offer.

You still haven’t responded, so he was getting frantic if you’d ignore him. Though you reassured him that you wanted him in your life again, Taehyung still had this unconscious belief and fear that you would take it back. He knew that you wouldn’t think that way, but it was the evil side of his mind playing with him.

Maybe he should mention you to his therapist, he somehow managed to talk over or change the subject about any updates. Besides sharing light memories with his friends, he kept any thoughts of you to himself like before. It worked in the past, but look where that led him. Now everything about you ate him alive, yet he couldn’t be more grateful for it.

Damn, he really did need help.

Dr. Im wasn’t going to judge him otherwise that was unprofessional. He still thought about it. Perhaps the idol was scared that his doctor disclosed something in him that he wouldn’t want to hear…or afraid to hear in a sense. There were certain pieces of information no one but he knew about and it stayed that way. However, sooner or later, it had to be revealed but Taehyung didn’t know how to do it.

As his angels answered his prayers, his phone lit up on the bedside drawer. Reaching out to it, his eyes adjusted to the blue light then sparkled in joy when he saw replied. It read—

Sure, I don’t mind. You’re in luck that I’m giving myself a break from studying. 

Senselessly and ignoring the fact that it was one in the morning, his thumbs worked their magic to message you saying to get ready by ten. You texted instantly agreeing with no other questions, making the sides of his lips curl in excitement. He locked his phone and placed it back in its original position.

He dozed off satisfied and thrilled for the morning.

-

Taehyung arrived in the kitchen, fully dressed in his casual attire—a brown suit paired with his black shoes with the backing pushed down. He whistled whimsically as he found Clara also dressed for the day in her black business attire.

“You seem cheery today, baby.” She smiled as she went up to kiss his cheek. The idol paid no attention to her affection and lets it be. But she scuffled his hair to which he screeched as a complaint.

“Don’t mess it up!” Taehyung whined, despite making it messy to give the effortless look. Patting his wild strands down, Clara giggled amusingly as she clutched her handbag on the kitchen counter.

“You’re dressed nicely, do you have another schedule?” She wondered before pulling out a small mirror and her lip tint.

He pulled his phone out of his pocket, seeing another text from you that you were on your way. “No, it’s my day off.”

She lavished the wand on her lips, coating it in a soft pink. “Aww, really? If I had known, I would have taken the day off too.”

“It’s fine. Isn’t it important anyway?” He shrugged as he messaged you to be safe, settling it down on the kitchen island.

The socialite sighed in response, “Yeah, it’s a soft launch of our collaboration with another company. My dad wanted you to come, but I told them you had work.”

“Thanks for taking me out then.” He mentioned with a smirk. “Parties like that are boring.”

“Don’t remind me.” She rolled her eyes. “Love my family but I cannot bear to hear another generic speech from them.” She shoved her items back into her purse and observed her boyfriend, who was in a lighter mood today. “So how come you’re dressed up? And shocking in a good mood.”

The idol rolled his eyes as he eyed her back. “Is it shocking that I’m like this?”

“Yes, because you’re usually sour.”

Taehyung grimaced at her reply, a tad offended. He didn’t want to ruin his attitude because of her. “I’m going out with ___. Haven’t been able to see her since the party.” There was a pinch in Clara’s face when he announced his day. She peered at her boyfriend with narrowed eyes, almost like slits. Taehyung challenged her stare with a rather mundane and relaxed look. He cocked an eyebrow, muttering the word, “What?”

“Just you and her? Is Seojoon Oppa or Wooshik Oppa coming?” She inquired, hands resting on her hips.

“Just us two, like old times.” Taehyung simply answered. “We haven’t hung out in a while.”

“Yes, you have.”

“Besides the party and going to her work isn’t hanging out.” He countered as he grabbed his keys.

“You’re really making an effort to spend time with her.” The socialite pointed out as she went towards the fridge to obtain a water bottle.

“Well, everyone knows, including you, that we had a falling out, so we wanted to catch up.”

“Are you free tonight? Maybe we can have dinner together.” Clara offered. “We’ll even purchase extra sides of japchae for you.”

“I guess so?” The idol was iffy on it. “Depends how long I’ll be out with ___.”

“Wha-where are you even going with her anyway?”

His phone vibrated, with your contact name popping up. You were here and quickly pocketed his phone. “Not sure, but she’s still new to the city. I might take her to the park or a village, she loves gardens too so we’ll see. Maybe even to a cat cafe, she loves animals.”

Taehyung blabbered on, listing some suggestions, while Clara stood there listening to activities she used to ask him to do. “Whatever, you both don’t do, let’s go together.” She insisted with a gentle smile.

The idol blinked at her, forcing the curves of his mouth to go up before nodding. “We can.” Clara couldn’t tell as she clapped enthusiastically, but it was an empty promise. “She’s here, so I’m heading out.” He began walking away.

“Oh, I’ll follow you out. I have to go soon too.” The socialite trailed beside him. “Tannie was also picked up by Hyungsik for a dog date.”

Once the front door opened, a gust of wind splashed the couple’s faces. The early signs of the fall season were showing with the cooling breeze, partly cloudy and sunny skies, and change in color of the once green summer, creating the perfect weather. You waited by the walkway of the porch. You sported a buttoned-down light mocha v-neck dress over a rustic cardigan. You paired on the same pair of heels from the party. Hair was straightened this time with little to no makeup on, maybe curled your lashes and tinted your lips but that was about it.

Taehyung smiled at your presence as he jogged down to your stature. You waved at him before noticing Clara too, so you greeted her as well. “Hi Clara, are you coming too?”

The socialite puts on a smile and shook her head, “No, I have some family business to do.”She noticed the similarities to your wardrobe, but you both didn’t bother to notice. “But I hope you both have fun, okay? Tae, text me anything fun.“

Taehyung looked distracted, not even hearing what his girlfriend said. You nudged him and motioned towards Clara that she spoke to him. He turned back to see her and brainlessly nodded, “Have fun at work!” He grabbed your wrist as he unlocked the car. He basically dragged you into the vehicle as he didn’t want any more interactions happening between you and her.

Clara watched his car take off with you waving back and Taehyung ignoring her entire presence. As the vehicle grew smaller and finally out of sight, the socialite grimaced. Clenching her jaw, she had many thoughts going on and was suspicious of him, especially with you. She doesn’t know if she liked it or not, but one thing was for sure, she reached for her phone and sent a message.

-

“Taehyung, we’ve been driving for over an hour.” Looking through the tinted windows, you watched cars passing by and disrupting your view of the water. This was maybe the third bridge he drove through. But instead of coming out into a city, a small town came into your vision with many small businesses ahead.

“I don’t like being in Seoul as often as you think. There’s a place I know of that you might like. Plus, fewer people recognize me or just leave me alone compared to the city.” You stayed silent and nodded, but he knew you listened carefully. “Hmmm, you don’t like my driving?” He merely questioned as he took a left turn. “I would assume with the excellent music playlist and scenery would have you enjoying the ride.”

“Well, this is the first time I’ve seen you driving, let alone be in a car with just you.” You stated, turning back to see him focus on the road. You noticed how he removed his blazer and rolled up his sleeves. His veins were visibly seen through his honey skin. He only used one hand and held the steering wheel at the very bottom. “I’m not complaining though.”

The idol snuffed, glancing at you quickly before staring forward. “Must be weird then. We would used to walk, take the bus, or the train together.”

“Not weird…just been a while.” Shaking your head, you went back to sightseeing out your passenger window.

Taehyung’s eyes constantly shifted from gawking at you to the highway. Tightening his grip on the wheel, he used his unoccupied hand to listen to an old song that came up into shuffle. At the first beat of the song, your head shot towards the stereo receiver.

You snorted, completely incredulous at the music choice. “Jesus Christ, why do you have this on your playlist?” A smile crept up as the hit of nostalgia washed your face.

His signature boxy grin came up while watching you as he shrugged, “It’s all on shuffle. I’ve never heard it in a while, so I’m surprised as you are.”

“Do you still know the lyrics?”

“Of course, I do. You made me learn it from all the times we’ve heard it.” He scoffed as if the question shouldn’t have been asked in the first place. The traffic light turned red, making the vehicle at a stop.

“Well, let’s put it to the test then!” You challenged before amplifying the volume.

You both then sang the lyrics to the song, “Almost paradise!! A warmer day than the sun, the look in your eyes. It’s like having the whole world!” While at the stoplight, Taehyung finally focused his attention on the passenger’s seat to fully sing to you. “In my life!! Like a light in my weary life, you came to me and gave me love. If only I could keep it forever!”

“You are all of my love!” Taehyung sang or rather shouted.

“You are all of my life!” You continued.

“With my everything, I love you!!!” You sang together right before the light went back to green. While resuming the drive, you fell into a pit of laughter through what was once your favorite drama. You were surprisingly impressed that you remembered it, not seeing the show in ten years. But guess that’s what happens when you watched it eight times.

On the other hand, Taehyung’s body felt lighter after that. A very tiny memory was a core one at that moment, cherishing simpler times. It felt good, felt so right. The only thing he wished for was for the light to stay red a little longer. 

-

“You still love plants, right?” He asked as you both entered the establishment. Eyes sparkled in delight when you scoped the nursery filled with various plants you’ve grown to learn over the years. Ranging from foliage to blooming to only in-season ones. It was getting colder and cloudier in Korea, so there were indoor growing lights built about the jungle of greenery. “Cats too?”

The place he brought you was also part of a cat cafe, so it combined two of your favorite interests into one. Not many individuals were here at the moment as the place opened for the day not too long ago. Scanning below you, you spotted different breeds of cats walking around, playing with scattered toys, napping, and laying down on towers

“Surprise you remembered that.” You mumbled, suppressing the excitement within you when you spotted a black feline strutting up to your form. Without thought, you picked the cat up and it immediately warmed up and trusted you. You cooed at the sight of its eyes slowly closing and melting into your arms.

Taehyung’s eyes shimmered at your interaction once again. He always knew how weak you were for animals. Back in Geochang, you would pet each chicken at his grandmother’s farm and play with other neighbors’ dogs every time you walked home together. You loved them and they loved you back.

“Why would I forget these things about you?” The idol inquired as he followed behind. You were distracted by all the plants and the kitties everywhere. “Plants were your hobby and animals were your interests.”

You turned back to him with an amused grin while he cocked an eyebrow playfully at you. He then stepped forward to reach out a hand toward the black cat. His finger stroked its head, and once he got approval, he ran his hands through the ebony coating.

“You love animals too.” You spoke up as you joined him in caressing the animal in your arms. “We used to be late in elementary school because we played with Banchan along the way.” The familiar mention of the Shiba Inu that used to live in the neighborhood brought many memories between you two. If possible, the same ones replayed in your heads.

On your first day of another school year, while holding hands, you and Taehyung walked a route your grandparents made to ensure safety for a six and seven-year-old. Though you both went to the same elementary school as his younger sister and brother, Taehyung was usually the last one to get out of bed so his siblings never bothered to wait for him and left earlier. But you did, so he’d never be lonely and you loved being with him.

However, it was very dangerous because you two were easily distracted especially regarding your interests. One of them being animals. That’s where Banchan the Shiba Inu came in because you quickly noticed the dog outside, held back by his leash. You ran up to him to give him some love while Taehyung wasn’t too far behind. Once the boy scratched his tummy, Banchan licked his face jubilantly, letting out laughter from the both of you.

Eventually, the owners, who were a sweet fairly young couple, heard your giggles and told you to go to school as it was already late into the schedule but promised that you could play with their dog after school. Though they received pouts and whines, you obliged and left for the school day, then came back once the day was over.

Needless to say, it became an occurring “Banchan morning love” time followed by being late for the past month, getting light scoldings from his parents and your grandparents after getting calls from your school. But the couple was kind enough to both of you by giving every Saturday dedicated to playing with Banchan, in exchange for being punctual. This continued until the couple moved out of Geochang the next year, bidding goodbye to your furry friend.

“He was too fluffy to not pet!” Taehyung still reasoned after all those years passed. His hand dropped to his side when he found an orange feline, cautiously stalking toward him. Watching his every move, the apricot-hued animal eventually slammed its body onto the idol, making him laugh at the aggressive begging to be pet. He carried it into his arms and paced beside you. “You have this Shiba Inu just hanging outside your house. Not expecting little kids to just go and play??”

You chuckled as those words were probably verbatim of our reasonings to his parents. “We still got our way.” Whilst holding the cuddly cat buddy, you roamed around the cafe nursery. The plant selection was gorgeous and difficult to even buy just one. You would buy one, but…now wasn’t a time to be spending willy-nilly.

“Do you still have your plant collection?” Taehyung asked, recollecting the memories of you repotting, watering, and talking to your babies (what you called them).

You sighed as you grazed your thumb over a leaf of a little monstera deliciosa. “No, unfortunately, I donated them away to the children’s center back home before I left. I wasn’t able to bring them all and I knew no one would be caring for them either.”

Taehyung’s mind recaptured memories of you and your grandmother tending toward the little porch garden. He never understood the immense hobby for it, but you enjoyed your plants and with that, he used to help you every now even educating himself. There were instances where he surprised Namjoon with his vast knowledge of certain plants and the caring they needed.

However, knowing that you’ve shared this hobby with your grandmother who passed long ago, it saddened him knowing you weren’t able to continue something you loved anymore, especially when it was with your grandmother. “H-how about your grandfather? He could have taken care of them.”

Something in your eyes peeked through. No spark, no light, it was rather dark, almost solemn but obscure. Taehyung couldn’t fully comprehend what it meant. To the best of his knowledge, the look seemed similar to an occurrence when you were younger but it was hard to tell. He hated not knowing.

Yet he had to remind himself his memories with you weren’t enough to know everything about who you were now and your current situations. How you used to be doesn’t equate to who you are now. But it was hard not to.

“Uh, just too old and such.” You rushed as you paid attention to the section of Devil’s Ivy. “Plus, his focus was on the fruits and vegetables in the land. It would be too much for him to handle on top of that.” You seemed a bit frazzled when you spoke, most likely not wanting to talk anymore about it. So you decided to change the topic, “Are you getting anything?” You moved further into the back of the nursery.

“I’m fine with getting some brunch in the cafe, but did you want anything?” He asked before settling the orange cat down. You did the same to your black one but plastered a kiss on its head before letting it free with its friends. Taehyung took notice of it and a side of his lips curved up.

“Uhh, no. I’m okay.” You shook your head, continuing to stare at the beautiful Peace lily plants. They didn’t have their flowers, but they were beautiful all year round. But Taehyung trailed your line of sight at them and saw a bit of longing and want. “You know Peace lily plants, or as they are scientifically called, Spathiphyllum, are known for their air-purifying abilities, and grow in a bright spot out of direct sunlight. They’re a bringer of peace, especially when they bloom their white flowers.” You rambled on with your in-hand facts as he listened. He never really understood, but somehow absorbed it easily.

Cutting your long speech, he commented, “Weren’t these your first plant?”

Stopping your mouth from moving, you blinked at him dumbstruck at his sharp mind. “How could you ev—I got Penny before I met you!” Yes, you named your Peace lily Penny, an American name but it was so easy to remember. And yes, your Peace lily was also a girl.

“You talked to her every day since we met before we would play. You talked to me about her and how special she was, and how excited you were every time she bloomed flowers.” Taehyung listed it down humorously and you couldn’t help but be stunned that he remembered all of that at the top of his head. “Also how could I forget when you cried when she died and found out they only last three to five years.”

Jesus Christ, you too remembered that day clearly. When you were eight, Penny died on you no matter how much you talked to her and fed water to her and drooping leaves. You wept into your grandmother’s arms and then into Taehyung’s before your grandmother explained that plants like Penny don’t last as long, it was part of their cycle.

Still, you were heartbroken, so to cheer you up, Taehyung gathered his entire household and yours to make a funeral, commemorating Penny, your first plant.

“I didn’t know!” You rolled your eyes, then cringed at the thought of your utter despair for a plant. “Then again, you and I both know death loves to come my way.”

You said it as a joke, but then Taehyung’s pupils dilated even choking on his spit. He tapped on his chest harshly while you rubbed his back as a sign of concern and comfort. Once he settled down into a calmer state, you said, “Guess my dark sense of humor is surprising to you?”

Of course, it was. Death was always a sensitive topic, especially experiencing it at a young age. You whined easily when your parents were mentioned or the words “dead” or “die” came into the conversation. “More so.” Taehyung shrugged worryingly in contrast to your light demeanor.

“It’s easier to cope with it.” You hummed, playing with the Peace lily’s bright green leaves. “Death, life, and especially when the people you love aren’t your life anymore.” You glanced back at his shocked state, observing the sudden pain in his eyes. You didn’t mean to say it like that, but it became a habit that you couldn’t stop yourself to do.

Taehyung said no comment on it, seeing as how casual you looked after you said that. He lets it be and wanted to lighten the mood. He shook himself out of the shock and cleared his throat. “If you want it, I’ll buy it for you.”

“No, I wouldn’t want that.” You scoffed before rolling your eyes.

“But I want to.” He pouted before inspecting the pots of Peace lilies for the perfect one. “Consider it as a gift. I invited you out anyway.”

“Taehyung, no!”

“Why not?!”

“Buying things is too much for me…” You mumbled, now fiddling with your fingers. Hoping he would understand, you also said, “They cost too.”

He hummed in response. “Does it look like I care about the cost? I’m not bragging but I am a world star.” You furrowed your eyebrows at his haughty explanation, it was quite entertaining. He meant well, but the words weren’t supporting him. He too caught on and wanted to mentally punch himself. “No, that’s no—lemme rewind.” You chuckled softly at his tense state as you crossed your arms over yourself. “I have a bit more spending money compared to when we were teens, so I’d like to give you things that you desire and want.”

You squinted at what he said, thinking very wrongly of it. “I’m not saying that it is, but you sounded like a sugar daddy.”

He opened his mouth, but quickly closed it, not knowing how to even respond to that. But he disregarded what you said. “The point is—I want to give things. I don’t mind paying. I love giving gifts. I’m a gift giver, to my friends, and family, and that also includes you, ___.”

Your teeth were in between your lips, still, not all convinced. “I still need to pay you back for the hospital bill.”

“That’s weeks ago and I don’t recall any mentions of you paying me back.” He retorted, completely baffled by your weak reasoning. “I wouldn’t have agreed either, so let that go.”

“Bu—”

“You’ve been eyeing these plants since we came here, I know you want them.” He lifted the perfect pot of Peace lily. The pigment held the summer vibrancy despite the Fall weather coming soon. A ray of leaves fanned out happily and proudly to its blossomed curve. It was still a baby, being held from the bottom of the terracotta pot with a single hand of Taehyung’s. “Even if you say no, I’ll still get them.”

“This one you picked up does have a nice shape to it.” You pointed out, but he knew you were inching to accept his offer.

“You also can start a collection here. I’ll even help you tend to them unless you want me to.”

“You do realize plants and the care are expensive.”

“Then I’ll provide them for you.”

“Okay, that’s too mu—”

“You loved planting, ___, but you had to stop.” He blurted out, zipping up any reasoning from you. “You did it with your grandmother too, it was something you bonded together over. Something you remembered her with.” He saw your eyes move around yet still managed the gaze you gave him. “I don’t want you to lose that.”

The mentioning of your grandmother ached your heart. It has been a while since you spoke about her. The vivid images of her teaching you about all those plants popped to mind, nostalgically and memorially. It was because of her, you found this loving hobby of plant care and it was something you never wanted to let go of, even if you left for Seoul.

Your eyes watered, but not enough for them to spill. You blinked continuously as you controlled your breath. You simply nodded, completely sold on what Taehyung said. “I’ll get him.” You retrieved the pot into your two hands as you scanned your new baby.

A bright smile morphed onto Taehyung’s face as he heard little whispers from you to the Peace lily. “Him now?” You hummed as you grinned happily. “Does he have a name?”

“Don’t know…maybe after you? Tae?” You quipped to which he laughed.

“Me? Why? You never named your plants after any of us?” He chirped as he looked at the plant. “But Tae seems nice for him.”

“They are known to be dramatic.” You informed. “They droop and act like they’re dying if you don’t water them or give attention.”

“Did you just insult me?” He gasped, putting a hand over his chest as if he was offended.

“No, it’s fact.” You snorted as you carried your baby in the cafe’s direction. “I’ve seen those Run BTS episodes.” Taehyung chuckled more as he retrieved more equipment you needed into his hands and arms.

You highlighted once again that you followed the band and its entertainment beyond music. It still stunned him, but only because he didn’t think you’d do so after what happened. He even talked about it briefly before. But you said that despite the ending of your friendship, you were tremendously proud of him and his members’ success. You loved the message they conveyed and all that they’ve done to endure it.

Not enough words or presents would express his gratitude towards you. He felt undeserving of your gentle actions and affable behavior, yet he was very selfish to continue to want it. In his eyes, you were never a pushover or an attached brat. You gave all that you could to those you loved because they were who you had in life, the only ones. They were the only ones who’ve seen the vulnerability and dedication in you and you weren’t willing to spread it as often even if you did. You were needy in the best of ways because it showed you also wanted a shoulder to lean on, especially maturing at a very early age. 

There were so many things about you that screamed perfection, caring, warm-hearted, and resiliency. Just you in general, and Taehyung was eternally grateful to see it through his own very eyes as well as experience the way you gave yourself and spoke to him with so much passion and tenderness. No one was more true than you, his Blue.

In the past, there were so many reasons why Taehyung loved you, and unexpectedly—at least to him—why he hopelessly fell in love with you.

-

Knowing each other since a young age and being best friends, it was obvious how much Taehyung loved you. He always loved you, even telling it to you many times every day. It was so easy to say and he meant it. He would do anything for you. He cared and wanted to protect you. You even said it back, so it was natural to speak about love within your relationship.

However, loving and being in love was not as obvious. There was a fine line between the two that was difficult to pinpoint. It often gets the betterment of people, even when they’re older and wiser. You can bounce from one to the other all you want without realizing it, but you eventually had to choose a side.

In Taehyung’s case, he learned about this decision at the beginning of his teenage years. In his first year of high school and when he first joined his soccer club, his older players would bring up topics about sex and love more than they should. Teammates were split in half, wanting sex and wanting love. He didn’t listen as much, but he did recall somewhere along the lines of having a partner to hold and cherish eternally.

With that, he went to his father regarding the love his teammates were talking about. “Well, the definition of love is very broad and can be interpreted many ways, son.” His father, Jitae, began, cocking his head to the side in thought.

“They talked about having someone to hold and adore eternally,” Taehyung repeated from his memories.

“Hmm, so I guess my example would be me and your mom.” Jitae brought out as he clapped his hands together. “Because I love having her by my side and being by her side. I’m in love with your mom, and that will never change.”

“In love?” He questioned, not getting what that meant. “Don’t you love us? We’re your kids!”

His father laughed endearingly at his son. “Of course, I love you, and Eunjeong, and Sungyeon. I love all of you! You three gave me all the more reasons to love and stay on Earth.” He defended. “However, loving and being in love are different. The love I have for your mom is different from my love for my kids.” 

“What did you mean?”

“I certainly don’t want to go into detail, but I’m head over heels for your mom. I’ve been way before we had you three. You kids gave me a reason to stay on Earth, she gave me a reason to be alive. Every time I look at her, my heart starts racing or skips a beat. I’m deeply committed to her as she does to me. She’s my partner, my wife. She’s my connection, she makes me feel better, do greater, a comfort.” Jitae explained thoroughly. “I would do anything for her.”

While Taehyung processed these thoughts and explanations, he had certain questions. “Will I have that? Do I have that now?”

“I hope that you’ll have that.” Smiling, his father patted down his son’s hair. “And to answer your second question, you’re still young. I found your mom when we were in our 20s, so there’s a lot of time. But there are possibilities.”

“Like?”

“Well, do you have someone who you’re in love with?” Jitae picked out as he stared at Taehyung. “Having a connection, to make you feel better, do greater, your comfort. Heart skips every time. You would do anything for them.”

Taehyung had no answer as he tried his best to think with his developing adolescent brain. Jitae had a specific person in mind but decided not to say anything for his son to figure it out himself.

Time passed, yet his mind stayed stagnant with this idea. It intrigued him to an extent, wondering if he would ever have the experience of feeling how his dad felt toward his mom. He knew that he loved all around, his parents, his siblings, his friends, your grandparents, and of course, you. But the act of being in love?

He thought about what his father had told him, being connected, feeling better, and doing better. A comfort in his life, and would do anything for them. The list was easy to eliminate options. Well, there was nothing to cancel out because all those traits went straight to you. You were the first person that popped into his head.

Strange though…or rather perplexed to say the least. How would it be possible? He loved you, that was a given, but in love? You weren’t a partner or wife, you were his best friend, his Blue! Does that even suffice?  

Suddenly a realization was brought upon him. Heart beating fast, skipping beats? He doesn’t think he has ever gotten that from you. He took you into his arms many times, even intertwining his fingers together with yours. He kissed your temples, head, and cheeks. Yet nothing happened to his heart.

Maybe you weren’t the one he was in love with. His father did say that he was still young and had a lot of years ahead. Why did this even bug his mind anyway? Why was he thinking too much about this? He was a teenager; he needed to think about other things like gaming, friends, and sleep. Anything really besides love.

He did love you though and wouldn’t give up anything in the world to not have that feeling anymore.

However, it took a while for him to see how special you so were to him. And how did he find out?

You had your first crush.

It was some boy named Jinhwan in your class. He was a kind and smart boy from what you told him and even let you borrow his pen when yours ran out of ink. You partnered up with him one day on an assignment and you have gotten to know him better. Days after he kept talking to you during breaks and sometimes bypassing. Each encounter felt more whimsical and fluttering to your heart, and eventually, you realized that you had a crush on him.

However, get this—you didn’t tell Taehyung.

You surprisingly spoke to his sister, which shocked and insulted him. He didn’t understand why because he was your best friend after all. All that information was from Eunjeong who assumed that you told him. New flash, you didn’t and it flabbergasted the boy.

He felt offended that you didn’t tell him and told his sister. His sister?? Last thing he remembered he was your best friend, not her. You told him everything, you even told him when you got your first period before anyone else. Why’d you tell her and not him? 

There was a slight tinge of jealousy coursing through his body. Not sharing was partial towards his emotion, but the primary reason was the very thought of you liking another boy.

It was weird and uncomfortable for him. Like why have a crush on a boy that you met at your school? Gross. QYou practically knew nothing about him except that that Jinhyuk boy was nice, but that wasn’t even a fact and that was based on judgment by the individual. If you had a crush on someone, it should be someone that you knew for a long time, who understood you, who cherished you, who kept you in their arms at all times, and who would give the world to you. Someone like hi—

Yeah, he realized he was in love with you.

But he suppressed them right now to be upset, but not at you though. Only the fact that you didn’t tell him. Whether or not he was in love with you, but he really was, you didn’t inform him of something important that could change your life. He was about to march to your house when Eunjeong stopped him to inform him that you stayed back at school because Jinhwan asked to speak with you. Rumor has it that he was going to confess to you, indicating he too had a crush on you. Mutual pining. And that made Taehyung’s heart sink into an abysmal hole.

Fuck, it was too late.

-

Taehyung waited on the steps of your front porch, staring down at his feet. Hours passed since school ended and there was no sight of you near. He felt worried, upset, sad, and all various kinds of emotions right now, but most importantly, in love. In love with you.

Why didn’t he notice it any sooner? Then again, nothing changed between you two. Yeah, you were getting older, developing maturely and elegantly. But you were you, his Blue. He was him, your Hyungie. There was no difference within your dynamic, other than getting closer to one another as the seconds went on. So if this was true, then was he in love with you this whole time? How would that even be possible? He was a child when he met you. Yet again, he always loved you since the moment he met you.

The sound of shoes dragging along the concrete and sniffles broke his running mind. Once he raised his head, he was met with your puffy eyes and tear-stained cheeks. Mouth quivered loosely with every rapid gasp coming out of you to stop the weeping of your cries. His mind went full alarm as he shot up from the stairs to go up to you.

With every step, he cautiously observed you. You were fighting back the sobs as you tried pursing your lips together. But when he puts you in between his arms with his hands around your back, he asked, “My Blue, what happened? What did he do to you?”

You broke every resistance inside of you and cried like a baby into his chest. The same exact cry when you ran away after Jinhwan stole your first kiss and embarrassed you by laughing at your confession in front of his friends. Little did you know it was all recorded, or when you were crying your poor self out behind a building, so then he proceeded to upload it online for everyone.

So you bawled out even more so until you were tired of crying and mindlessly walked home. But you saw your worried best friend waiting for you, ready to give you the comfort you needed and deserved. Your entire soul collapsed onto him.

“Hy-Hyun-Hyungie!” You keened, slithering your arms over his chest as you gripped onto his uniform shirt that you drenched in your tears. “I-I-I—”

“Shhh, no. It’s okay. You’re safe, Blue.” He shushed you as he had one hand over your head and the other hooked around your waist. Your form bounced as your sobbing overpowered your breathing. “I’m here now. Don’t worry. I’ll always be here.”

-

After hours passed once again, you, fortunately, stopped shedding tears though your emotions were still heightened and intense. You had to lie to your grandparents and say that you were sick to not go to school the following day. They knew you weren’t ill, but they knew something was up since it was uncommon of you. They let you be and hoped it’d make you feel okay.

Taehyung never left your side, having you in his arms or within reach. He even slept over for the night. But once it hit your “bedtime,” your minds were still awake. Your best friend thought it was a good idea for you to escape for the time being, so you both did. And what better way than to sneak out of your window in the dead of night to go to the park and hang out under the blossoming tree? It was your favorite pastime together after discovering that you could do things without your grandparents and his parents knowing.

When the gentle breeze touched your skin, the serenity of the starry sky pricked with specks of stars, and no one else but your best friend was right by your side. You let the setting calm every nerve in you, closing your eyes and taking the deepest breaths.

Taehyung kissed your hair before resting his cheek on the top of your head. His growth spurge over the winter time let him be much bigger than your stature. He hated seeing you like that, heartbroken, undeserving of what happened to you, and crying over some stupid ass boy who doesn’t deserve shit from you or anyone. He wanted to beat this boy up, but you told him no because he wasn’t worth it and you hated violence. He had to oblige, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t call his sister up and tell her to punch him in the throat.

“How are you feeling now, Blue?” He whispered, staring up at the night before you.

“Less crappy, but better now.” You sighed, laying your head on his shoulder and leaning closer toward his form. “I feel like an idiot.”

“No, you’re not. Those boys were dicks and Jinseok guy was a complete asshole.” Taehyung countered, feeling upset that you were talking down upon yourself. “You didn’t deserve anything that was given to you like that.”

“Still, I fell for it.” You frowned as you stared down at your fingers playing with each other. “I should have known. No boy ever liked me because I’m ugl—”

“Don’t you dare finish that sentence.” He interjected sharply, his restrained vocal cords due to puberty somehow helped his voice drop an octave. “Don’t ever succumb your worth with pea-minded small dick boys.”

“Then why aren’t I liked by anyone?” You complained, balling your hands into fists as you tried controlling the tears that threatened to come out again. “So many of my peers got confessions, always overheard boys talk about how pretty my classmates were, or even asked me about Eunjeong because she thought she was cute and I knew her.”

“Blue—”

“And don’t get me started on you.” Your attention went on him and his large irises looking back questionably. “You told me about all the confessions you had from this past year alone and how you rejected them all, but you still keep getting them.”

“___—”

“I mean it’s a given that you’ve always been handsome and always nice and caring to others. I just feel so shitty about myself because I don’t ever feel confident in myself, as a best friend and as a—”

“No!” Taehyung shouted, causing you to flinch and pause your rambling. His mind was all over the place. First, you called him handsome and while you did consistently mention it in the past, this was the first time he noticed how much his heart was racing and how he was getting squirrels in his stomach.

Second, he didn’t like hearing your self-deprecations at all. Did you really think so lowly of yourself? Not once did you show any signs. It wasn’t right and he should have caught on earlier.

“Stop doing that. Stop talking bad about yourself.” He shook his head before reaching out for your hands to hold. “And don’t compare yourself to others, Blue.”

“How can I not? I’m surrounded by it all the time, aka you!”

“I-I’m sorry I made you feel that way.”

“No, no. Not you. I’m sorry. I—” You stopped yourself, trying to collect your thoughts into a reasoning argument. “I just feel like I’m not good enough sometimes. Like I guess, this was more than that stupid prank and lie Jinhwan did or not being liked by anyone. Like, I’m never enough to satisfy or be worth something in someone’s life.”

For some odd reason, he couldn’t help but chuckle. Sure, your words were raw and from the depths of your heart but really? Not enough to be worth something in someone’s life? Seemed a little bit exaggerated.

Hearing his laughter, your eyebrows pinched together and cheeks puffed into anger at his response. But before you could even get a single sound out of you, he commented, “Now that’s an insult to me.”

Now your expression resembled confusion, “What do you m—”

“Why would you even say something like that when you’re literally everything in my life?”

His words punched you in the throat, taking your very breath away. “D-don’t—you don’t mean that! I said something, not—”

“Now why would I lie? I never lie to you! I do mean that, and I said everything because you are everything!” Taehyung retorted. He used one hand to hold your waist, pulling you into his lap. Sitting in between his legs, you laid back onto his chest as his chin stayed on your shoulder. “You mean so much more than you could ever imagine to me. Y-yo-you’re my best friend, Blue. I can’t have you think that you’re any less for others, me, and yourself especially. It breaks my heart knowing that I’m not helping you through that.”

“Don’t carry my burden on you.” You muttered quietly. “My whole self-esteem is just at its low and blowing out of proportion. I just became a teenager. You can’t really help me on this one.”

“I bet I can.” His eyes lit up, making you turn back to see him. Your faces were centimeters away. While you stared casually at his face, he felt his breathing slipping away at the gorgeous sight of you under the fluorescent moon. He managed to catch him without notice and continued. “I—I think you’re the most beautiful girl I’ve seen in my entire life, and I’m blessed that I get to see you every single day. If people don’t see it, they weren’t gifted with seeing the true beauty that you hold.”

You gawked wordlessly, pupils dilating by the second as he spoke with endearment and authenticity. Heartbeat fastened as he spoke on. “___ ___, you’ve been and always will be worth it, in my life, in your grandparents’ life, my family’s, anyone who comes across you. Don’t support that mindset with people of less importance in your life because it doesn’t help you. Focus on who matters, like you.”

“I can help by reminding you to not speak such foulness about yourself, pointing out the way you impact my and your loved ones’ lives, and showing you how beautiful you are because you truly are.” Using his unoccupied hand, he pushed a strand out of your face and tucked it behind your ear. “These little boys must have dead skin cells coming out of their shit-stained mouths if they don’t think you, ___ ___, are beautiful.”

You blinked rapidly and your lower lips pouted out as if it was the only reaction you could give. The little voice in your head begged to differ. But with his piercing coffee-swirled eyes at you, it slowly diminished and lowered its volume. It was hard to tell with your conscious, but you believed him even if it was just a little bit. 

You saw him leaning closer, his eyes shut smoothly. Staying still but eyes widening with every centimeter closer, your mind was on blast, anticipating his next move. However, he did a little turn-up and kissed the tip of your nose lightly.

You shook your head out of surprise. Why did you expect something else? Of course, Taehyung was always affectionate toward you. You couldn’t react any further as he brought you closer to him and peppered kisses onto your shoulder. You blinked away and focused straight into the night, trying to relax.

“The only thing I wish I could do was to stop that kiss from happening.” He spoke again with a huff. “I’m sorry your first kiss was with that fucking jerk. God, are you sure you don’t want me to beat him up?”

There the tenseness you didn’t realize you had in your body blew away and was replaced by laughter. “You shouldn’t resort to violence. He was a dick, but I can’t change the past. I wished too though.”

“Which is why you should always come to me first before you go do something.” Taehyung scolded in a know-it-all way, making you roll your eyes in defense. “I didn’t even know you had a crush until Eunjeong told me and she only did so because she thought I knew already! Why didn’t you tell me, Blue?”

Your form suddenly shrunk and sunk into his body, feeling the hotness steaming up your cheeks. “I know I tell you everything, but this was different…”

“How is it different?”

“I-I-I needed a girl’s opinion.”

“Oh.” Was all he could say. It made sense, you were a girl while he was a boy. There were certain things he may not understand from a guy’s perspective and he couldn’t defend himself.

“Don’t worry. I learned my lesson. If I like someone, I’ll be sure to tell you.” You promised.

But you never did.

“And I will do the same back.” He added, to open your communication together.

“You know I don’t think you ever told me you had a crush on someone.” You mentioned, tilting your head as you gazed into the distance with wonder.

You heard a deep chuckle followed by a vibration on your back. “That’s because back then I don’t think I liked someone enough to consider it a crush.”

“Then surely, you have someone that you like. I mean you’re in high school too with new people.”

“Yes, I’m in high school but that doesn’t mean anything.” He shrugged as he nuzzled into your neck, making you giggle at the ticklishness.

“So you don’t like any girl, or guy, or someone?” You tried your best not to assume anything. Since he didn’t like anyone, you didn’t know what he liked.

He laughed again, throwing his head back. “You’re so silly sometimes.” Exhaling, he smiled warmly while squeezing your hand. You focused on him with your doe eyes, an innocent smile faint on your lips. He looked down for a split second, hoping you didn’t notice. Judging by the continued look on your face, you weren’t seeing anything out of the ordinary. But he could see everything changing in him, in you, and between each other.

He was stuck in this conundrum. It would be selfish of him to tell you how he felt after getting your heart broken by another. You most likely won’t reciprocate back and he doesn’t even know how you think of him beyond being his best friend. He also didn’t want to ruin the friendship, the strong bond you two created for nearly ten years to be destroyed because he caught feelings for you. He loves you. Dear God, he was in love with you and only you.

But he couldn’t do it. And he didn’t know if he will ever.

“I-If-If I like someone, I’ll be sure to tell you, Blue.” He replied carefully as his fingers tapped over the smooth skin on the back of your hands.

But he never did.

“‘Kay!” You didn’t think any more of it. In fact, you felt a whole lot better after talking to Taehyung. He always knew how to reassure you about your insecurities and dilemmas your teenage brain liked to give you and cause harm. Your fingers found their way to intertwine with his. “At least I know I’ll always have one guy in my life that I’ll love.” His eyes widened, lips slightly parting. “I will always love you, Hyungie.” You pressed your lips onto his soft cheek before you laid your head onto the crevice of his shoulder.

He doesn’t know if you felt how hard his heart thumped in his chest. If you did, you don’t bother bringing it up. He doesn’t know this feeling, was it good or bad? But having you in his arms felt so perfect. Yet the fear of you finding out dreaded his entire soul. It would break him if something were to happen between you two. Was this what being in love was like? Why was it scaring him?

“A-and I will always love you, Blue.” He meant it at the bottom of his heart, but he didn’t mean it in the way you did.

And he doesn’t think it would be from here on.

-

You made it through the day with Taehyung. An invisible thin barrier held you back earlier in the day, but it eventually evaporated the more you talked to him, like how you were before. You don’t know how many hours passed in that cafe because together you spent all that time eating and playing with the cats. You opened up a little more to him and told him about your college years and why you chose to move to Seoul.

You explained how stagnant life has been for you for a while and thought you’d lead to nowhere if you continued to stay in the area you lived for your entire life. You managed to get by and thought of suppressing the feeling until your grandfather convinced you. You were very much hesitant, as it was going to be out of your comfort zone, but you and he both knew it was the right decision to make. It was also the only school that accepted you that wasn’t in Geochang, because it was the only one you applied for that wasn’t Geochang.

Taehyung did try to ask a question about your grandfather, but he noticed how brief and vague your answers were. You changed the subject and turned it on him when he did so. Maybe you weren’t ready to talk about it? Or you just didn’t want to tell him. Ever since his family moved as well as the passing of your grandmothers, contact has been lost through the years. Even if Taehyung tried to contact back, he wouldn’t know if you were still in Geochang or not and unfortunately, he did not have the time to check.

Nonetheless, the two of you enjoyed your time together. Of course, while staying hidden for Taehyung’s sake. After the cafe, he drove back into the city where he kinda took you shopping. You say kinda because he attempted to buy things for you and you said no, but he didn’t care so you just walked away from him. He got the message and begged for forgiveness, but it was all fine. You treated him corn dogs as a light snack or at least attempted to because when you pulled out of your wallet, he tapped his card with ease. 

When the sun went down, you assumed the day was over, but not for the idol. He took you to a jazz nightclub he has been dying to go to for ages. Everyone he invited was always busy or tired. He even invited Clara, and they were about to go but she got sick.

The opportunity was right there, so Taehyung insisted. You didn’t mind at all, you were excited about it. By the end of the time there, you loved every second of it, even catching some songs here and there. It surprised him, but he never realized until now that it was you who introduced him to the love of jazz.

Nighttime fell when the both of you got out, and the city lights illuminated the area. For a Sunday night, it was pretty crowded and Taehyung suggested going somewhere quiet. You were about to protest that it was time to go home, but your stomach gargled aloud that the idol wanted to put food in you right away. Knowing he wasn’t taking a no on this one, you gave up.

But you settled for some street food, rice and fish cakes, bibimmyeon, suyuk,and ice cream for dessert. Taehyung knew a nearby park and thought it’d be nice to eat under a tree, getting away from all the people. So here you were—stomachs filled to the brim and enjoying the nice view from where you say while tasting the sweet confection.

Once in a while, Taehyung mentioned memories of him and his members regarding instances perfect for the moment. This one was about the park. “I used to come here a lot with Jimin actually, when we were younger. It was always secluded, so even after debut, no one was around.”

“I wonder why? This place is amazing at night.” Your eyes roamed at the calm scenery. The cooling autumn wind caressed you while the hours of darkness cascaded around. The stars weren’t as prominent, but they were exchanged by the blinking lights of the city buildings and skyscrapers. 

It almost felt like deja vu.

Taehyung looked over towards you and noticed how you stared into the outlook. A tender grin crept on your mouth as you slowly closed your eyes.

“Never bothered to ask that when you finally get privacy.” He muttered as he finished his ice cream and threw it in the trash bag you made. “Been a while since I came here though. I miss it here. Jimin would also like it too.”

A giggle came out of you, “You talk about your members a lot.”

“I-Is-Is that noticeable?” A peak of blush swiped across his cheeks.

“Well, from the whole day, yeah. I practically know everything about them through you.” You snuffed in delight. “It’s nice though. You care about them. I’m sure with the break, you don’t see them as often?”

“Yeah, the last time I saw everyone together was Jungkook’s party. Everyone is doing their own thing.” Taehyung informed with a deep sigh. “I do care about them, and miss them. But lately, it’s a bit of bother sometimes that I’m glad I’m away from them.”

You flung your eyes open in shock before turning to meet his attention. “What do you mean?”

“There’s just a lot going on in my own life, and I feel like they coddle or smother me with things.” He explained, but not enough to give too many details. He has yet to tell you what his current situation was and was a bit insecure about it. He knew you wouldn’t judge, you were the last person he’d ever think to judge, but the timing wasn’t right. He recently got you back into his life, but he thought it would be too much for you to find out what happened to your best friend all these years in between. A bit ashamed, really.

Unlike him, you don’t further speculate. You hummed in response, moving forward from the topic. But you do say, “As you care for them, they care for you even if it’s the type you don’t want.”

He didn’t have any response to that. Instead, he shifted the topic to something lighter to mend his curiosity. “You know how you’ve been following the group and all,” The idol began and you waited for him to continue. “So who’s your favorite in the group?”

With that, a hearty laugh spewed out of your lips with your shoulders shaking. Taehyung’s eyes widened at your giddy expression. This was the first time he heard you laugh so hard since the reunion. If anything, in a while for that matter. He missed that wonderful sound, seeing the happiness and enjoyment shine off of you. It was the best thing he ever experienced with you.

“Why?” You asked as the giggling died down.

“I mean you’ve seen our content and finally met the guys, so I’m sure you would have a favorite.” Taehyung reasoned as he leaned back into the tree trunk. “Despite loving us equally, fans have those bias and bias wreckers, right?”

“They would freak out if they knew that you knew that.” You said before exhaling deeply. “I guess I do have a favorite.”

“Who?” He sounded way too excited there, then realized you probably never chose him so he shrunk into his body.

“Do you think it would have been you?” You inquired humorously.

“A-At first, but then, I forgot we’ve stopped talking and…you hated me.”

You observed his behavior, feeling rather unguarded of himself when he spoke. You sensed the shame seeping out of him. “Yeah, we didn’t talk but I never hated you, Taehyung.” You licked your lips, remembering the earlier times when you did say those hurtful words. “I did say it back then, but as I said, I never meant it.”

“So, does that mean I was your favorite?” His pupils sparkled underneath the moonlight.

“No, it’s Hoseok.” You replied scoffingly. “Even if I didn’t hate you, that didn’t mean I chose you as my favorite. Are you kidding me?” You say as you finished your dessert, and threw it into the bag.

“So why Hoseok Hyung?” The pout on his lips was so evident that he was somewhat offended you didn’t choose him. “What does he have that made you pick him?”

“First off, super talented with his rapping and dancing. I like his style, as an artist and for fashion. He’s practically innocent in all the shit you do with games and jokes, I feel bad sometimes just watching him get punished. Sweet, down to Earth, great smile, handsome, I forgot to sa—”

“Okay, I get it. You like him!” The idol interjected. His tone was infused with green envy as you were able to list down many characteristics about his member without thought.

You grinned at how he was being, but never acknowledged it so he wouldn’t be embarrassed as much. But maybe, just maybe you wanted to point another thing out. “It also sealed the deal when you had to kiss him as a penalty.”

A combination of grimace, scowl, and disgust appeared on his face at the horrible and traumatizing memory. It was a punishment, for something he can’t remember and didn’t want to, but it was still a punishment. It also didn’t help that that was his first kiss. Hoseok hated it, he hated it, and for that, it was lost in the past until you brought it up.

“Please, don’t bring that up.” He wallowed in agony, but you kept smiling. “Before you say anything else, yes, he was my first kiss. It’s one of the most tragic things ever.”

While he covered his face with his palms, he doesn’t notice the smile going flat on you as you watched him. Once he looked back up, you held the curves of the mouth up. “It’s fine. At least we both have shitty first kisses, but you had it with someone you care for.”

Taehyung muttered something you couldn’t quite comprehend before his phone vibrated on the grass. It caught both of your attention and saw that it was Clara messaging him. There were twenty-four messages specifically. He then grabbed his phone to view her texts.

The harsh taps on his screen followed him throwing his phone into his jacket. Frowning as he looked back up into the sky, he blew a sigh through his nostrils. He seemed frustrated, probably from what was said in between texts. You didn’t want to assume thought. You then checked the time and it was close to midnight. Maybe that had to do with it.

“We should go, it’s getting late.” You cleared your throat as you began gathering the trash bags.

His head turned in your direction, “Are you tired?”

“Kinda, I also have school and work tomorrow.” You stated. “You should go home too because Clara might get upset for not coming home early.”

“She’s fine.” He mumbled, waving it off. “I just told her we’re still having our dinner and stuff…”

He wasn’t necessarily lying, but it didn’t sound right either. “Was she okay with it?”

“Yeah, I guess so.” He shrugged before smacking his lips. “So do you wanna go home now? Don’t want you to stay out too late to have fewer hours of sleep. How’s that by the way?”

You rolled your eyes, grinning a little at his concern for your health. “Better, but I still don’t get the ideal eight hours. Grad school is a bit hard and time-consuming, so it’s nice to do things like this.” You gestured around you.

“So I’m assuming you don’t want to go yet?” The idol smirked as he nodded toward the parking lot.

You thought about it for a second. If Clara was fine with him staying out and spending time with you, then you guessed that it wouldn’t hurt to stay a little longer. You were enjoying the view before you when she texted. “Maybe a few more minutes.” You held your thumb and index up, signaling a tiny space between the two as emphasis.

Taehyung chuckled at your demeanor, he saw more of a playful you opening up. He too didn’t want to leave just yet, and certainly not leave because his girlfriend said so. This was his time with you, and he wanted to cherish it.

The both of you continued to sit in silence, gazing into the city night. This place was a perfect spot to see the bridge, the buildings, and the lights, yet remained secluded. It was fascinating to you how different Seoul nights were compared to Geochang. Your hometown wasn’t as crowded and you would always see familiar faces. However, here, every day was different, and areas were swarming. Though the majority of the customers were old, working at the restaurant made you shocked at how late people enjoyed going out. If anything, Geochang had an unofficial curfew at ten at night.

As you were staring, there was a little voice in your head shouting about Clara. After meeting and conversing with her, you saw how genuine and lovely the socialite was. She was invested in the things you spoke about as well as passionate about what she does but remained as humble. Clara would ask questions about how Taehyung was when he was younger and learned more about her boyfriend.

You didn’t hate her, there was no reason to. She was always good to you, but deep down, you felt somewhat uncomfortable being near her. You found yourself comparing her to you, and you didn’t understand why. After all, she was Kim Taehyung’s girlfriend of five years—that was a long time and would probably marry her.

While you were just an estranged friend from his younger years.

“So…” You spoke out, taking his attention away from the scenery. “I didn’t mention it before, but good to see you with someone. You and Clara.”

“Really?” He sounded in disbelief. 

“Yeah,” Your pitch was a little higher than usual, but you were genuine.

The entire time you’ve known him, he never voiced out liking or wanting anyone. It concerned and agitated you at one point, even when he left for training. You really don’t know what happened in that ten-year gap, but he came out with a pretty steady girlfriend who loves him dearly. 

“At least by now, I know you can fall in love or have a crush on someone.” You quipped as you nudged him by the shoulder. He stayed quiet for a bit, processing what you said but you continued with your speech. “I think Clara’s great for you, almost complementing your entire aura. You have an old soul while she’s very refreshing.” While you blabbered away about his girlfriend, Taehyung felt sour and filled with a grimace which he tried his best to cover it up with a deadpan. “On top of it all besides being sweet, Taehyung, she’s so gorgeous. You would pick someone like her. She’s so pr—”

“Excuse me, ___.” He cuts you off with irritation oozing out of his pores. Your eyes stayed on his, wondering what set him off on what you said. You weren’t saying anything negative or ridiculing at all. “You know you’re beautiful too.”

His words threw you off, making you snort in disbelief and shook your head. Why did that even matter right now? You kept a joyous expression in contrast to the seriousness Taehyung held. “I know…ish.”

That was also true. You have grown to accept and love yourself for who you were and what you looked like after many adolescent years of struggle. Your features didn’t exceed the high standards of Clara, but you made it a point and lifestyle in your grown life that before your grandmother died, she always mentioned how uniquely captivating you always were, looking different in the best way possible.

Of course, it was shocking to get compliments from others. As well as your conscious had a habit of making you compare yourself to others, whether it was good or bad. Like for this instance—Clara.

But you wanted to breeze on from his statement. “But that’s beside the point—”

“No, I hear that tone, ___. You’re comparing yourself to her.” Taehyung informed as if it was a fact about you, which it was. Yet you didn’t want him to know that.

You sighed, not understanding the big deal of it all. “I’m not talking down on myself! I swear. I’m just saying…” Your eyes shifted down to the ends of your dress. “Clara is pretty and you really won with her.”

“I don’t care about pretty. I love beautiful.”

That caused you to lift your head and meet his eyes, which you didn’t know pierced at you for who knew how long. You didn’t even realize how near he has gotten to you. The fabric of your clothes touched his pants. Your torsos twisted to continue the eye contact.

The look on him…was a familiar feeling and time. It held something you didn’t want to see or think about after those years of struggle because if you did, another wall buried deep down inside your entity would come crashing down.

“Taehyung, you can’t—”

“I can.” He disagreed, leaning closer. “Because I remembered promising you that I’d show you how beautiful you are, how special you really are, ___.”

“This literally has nothing to do with me!” You refuted, trying to deny any claim he had about you. But you stayed frozen as he slowly inched forth. It wasn’t odd because Taehyung was always known to be affectionate, but it sure was concerning you right now. “Can’t I compliment your gorgeous girlfriend?”

“No, because she already gets that from everyone around her. She doesn’t need any more of that.” He grumbled. His eyes quickly glanced down at your face, enough for you to notice. “But it relates to you because of your eyes. They held insecurity and concern, I remember that look. It was the same look when you got your heartbroken back in middle school by that dumbass boy.”

It surprised you at times, how Taehyung was able to catch on and read you like a book even after years of disappearance. From the first couple of months of renewing the friendship, not a time goes by when he remembered little things about you despite your constant protest of being a changed person. Maybe personality-wise shifted into a cruel sarcastic approach, but the habits were consistent.

Albeit to your annoyance to him on that, you couldn’t help but do the same more often than you should.

“___, when I say this, I mean it and I take it to my grave,” Taehyung announced, irises boring at yours with no play. “Stop comparing yourself to others. I know it’s hard, but it’s harder to live with it. It doesn’t help you or the others around you. I never liked when you do that.”

You bit the inside of your cheek, hearing his objection. You didn’t want what you said to end up like this, but there was no doubt that he interpreted it to a t. You didn’t think he’d still care enough about you like that. What else goes on in his head that you didn’t expect?

Out of nowhere, he held your cheek with his palm, snapping you out of your daze. He was now so close to you that with any movement, something would touch. It was like before when you were younger with him and had the status of a best friend with a purposeful and deeper meaning. “You’re still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen in my life, ___.” Your pupils dilated at his reveal. Cheeks spreading with flushness and warmth you hated to expect. “Wouldn’t want any better. Any person would be lucky to have you.”

Excuse me? He said that way too personally. Why the fuck would he say that to you? It started to frighten you, furrowing your eyebrows and cocking your head to the side. Yet he focused on your reaction with sincerity, nothing in what he spoke upon held no lie and you knew it.

There was a pause in the air, holding your breaths. The familiar warmth to your irises soothed his body down just by the look. It was as if his vision pulled him back in time where he saw you exactly like this, underneath a tree late at night with sparkles gleaming on you. The swift capture of your thirteen-year-old self before your current self settled before him. He wanted this moment to last for as long as he remembered.

And without thinking, he closed the gap between you two as he shuts his eyes and puckered his lips.

Hoping to find softness and sweetness, but there was no avail on the other side. It was the complete opposite. A harsh reddened ache ran through his cheek before he peeled his eyes open to reveal a raging you fueled with perfidy.

You smacked his face again, but this time harder than the last before you pushed yourself away from him, almost a meter away. Your mouth gaped as you stood up from the grass and patted yourself clean to get the fuck away from him.

Eyes widening as large as a goldfish, Taehyung realized what he tried to do. Scrambling to get up and beg for redemption, he tried to speak but you interrupted him. “Here I thought you wanted to be my friend again, but you deceived me and I don’t want nothing of it!” You snarled before grabbing your bad and shouldering it over.

“Wait, ___. I’m sorry! I don’t know what c—”

“Save it! I don’t wanna hear your bullshit!” There you walked away from the scene angry and disappointed with shame all over you. You needed to get away, you couldn’t stay. But you were pulled back by the wrist and twirled around to see a worried and frightened idol searching for mercy on you.

“___, please. I-I’m sorry, I—”

You snatched your wrist back, breathing through your nostrils in hopes it calmed your wrath. “I don’t care if you’re sorry! Fucking think about your girlfriend! Why would you even fucking dare to do that?”

“I-I wasn’t thi—”

All of sudden, you yanked him by his collar. Pulling him close to see the break of trust in your livid pupils, you seethed, “I will not be some home wrecker.” You pushed him roughly, almost making him imbalance but he stabilized his feet. “You lost my trust. I don’t wanna fucking see you anymore.”

You never looked back and continued your path out of the park. You thought he would have followed you again, but when you heard the cries of your name at a distance, you knew he wasn’t going to try. Maybe you were too rash, or maybe you said things you didn’t mean. It didn’t matter anymore.

But you knew that if you ever saw him again, you would think differently of him.

Tagged: @manuosorioh @kaal-ee @thvxstf @dahliasbouqet @bertqut1 @fuckthinking @taebangtanbabe

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