Hello There! Hope You Are Well. I Needed To Ask You Something. There Is This Exam I Have And I Haven't

Hello there! Hope you are well. I needed to ask you something. There is this exam i have and i haven't prepared well. I wasn't doing mentally well and had a really hard time studying. I have been a top student all my life and i think when i won't do well in this exam, i will disappoint everyone. I feel better now and would 100 percent work on my grade. Is it fine to face failure? How should I console myself? I get panic attacks about me being a loser.

Hello 👋🏻 I think we’re in similar boats right now, anon. I’m only three weeks into this semester so I’m not nearing exams yet, but I’m feeling overwhelmed too. I’m having a hard time with executive dysfunction, so it’s been tough staying on top of my homework. I know how it can effect your mental health and your perception of yourself.

You said you get panic attacks about being a loser, but it’s not “being a loser” you’re worried about. What you’re worried about is being perceived as a loser, because being a “loser” is subjective, and everyone’s definition of “loser” is dependent on the people who taught them what it means (aka, the people in their life). Your panic and worry stem from your fear of what others will think if you don’t perform as well as you have in the past. That’s an understandable fear, especially considering it seems that being a “top student” has become part of your identity. If you aren’t a top student, it’s like a part of yourself is missing, or defective. Am I right?

You ask, “is it fine to face failure?” which makes me think, you probably know it’s fine to fail, but your fear of disappointing others may be clouding that. I think the best way you can console yourself is to stop looking outward for validation and look inward instead. Your opinion is the one that matters.

You know that the reason you didn’t perform as well as you used to this time is because you weren’t feeling your best mentally. You know you’re capable of performing well. You know that failing is okay. I think you need to trust yourself, and be less dependent on others for your sense of self-worth. It sounds like you have a lot of strengths worth being proud of, and that’s just from reading this one message. You have many other strengths, I’m sure. Lean on those, and remember that your grades are not all of you. In fact, they’re a very small part of you. What’s part of you are the skills (like resilience, perseverance and courage) that give you the ability to get those grades.

Take good care of yourself so that you have the energy and motivation to do your best (and be okay with whatever your best looks like that day). And maybe you could even focus less on your grades, but that’s a personal preference, and maybe it works for you, in which case that’s fine. As long as you know your grades don’t define your worth. And if anyone in your life thinks less of you for not getting straight A’s and B’s, you might consider that they aren’t the best person to look to for feedback, let alone validation.

Hope that helps! Take care! 💙

~ Bella ✨

If you crash and burn trying, it's still going to be better than if you never tried at all.

- Roderick Mackinnon

Rejection hurts. It twists the knife which my self-doubt stabbed into my gut. It made me bleed confidence until I was drained.

The first three of the four pictures here are rejection letters of three very successful scientists: Einstein, Ratcliffe and Krebs.

And the fourth is my first rejection letter of 2022. It's also the second rejection for the same fellowship: to do a year of my PhD abroad. The first time I was broken - because I gave my absolute best and was so hopeful. The rejection knocked the wind out of me. I was sad for weeks. And I decided I'm never applying again.

Came this year's cycle, I was advised by my mentor to try again. I wondered why I should. I realised that the application process gave me so much: I came up with my very own research idea and it got accepted for collaboration, I learnt to write a grant proposal from scratch, I got the chance to collaborate with one of the best scientists in the world. All just because I tried.

So I said, let's try a little better this year. I sat down and criticised my last-year's application, got help from three of my mentors.

I applied. I wasn't as hopeful I was as last year, because I learnt about their selection process.

I was rejected.

But it didn't hurt that badly.

This try gave me the opportunity to take up that proposed collaborative work, in spite of me not getting the fellowship. Yes! The professor agreed to work with me remotely!

Better an 'oops' than a 'what if'.

Overcoming the fear of failure is sooo important. Had I given up, I wouldn't have gotten a new direction to my research!

I put my rejection letter among that of those amazing scientists, because when they were rejected, they would have been like me - disappointed and hurt. And like them, I am not going to give up.

“You think attention is love, and that’s why you suffer so deeply.”

— Unknown

03.04.

к нам пришло большое-большое тепло. и даже дома уже душно, особенно на кухне, где я провожу свои онлайн-пары, даже по воскресеньям. живу без выходных от учебы, но что поделать.

впору разлечься на софе и почувствовать себя выдумкой художника-ориенталиста, в ленивом мире Западного Востока.

можно выходить в топике днем. приятно, приятно, но безумно не хватает моря или хотя бы озера. скучаю по севану, очень-очень, но в ближайшее время возможности туда отправиться у меня нет. жду сашу, летом поедем.

всего три месяца.

так вот, о чем это я, о софе. хочется разлечься с книжкой, можно и не на софе вовсе, а в парке, на траве. лежать и читать Руссо, Вольтера, Дидро. а еще так тянет заняться переводом каких-то малоизвестных романов xviii века на русский язык.

сегодня наконец-то пойду в маникюрный салон. ждала я этого долго. а после этого - делать домашку по французскому и постараться что-то написать по курсовой (почему даже дедлайны меня не будоражат, а парализуют?)

Во мне до сих пор сидит внутренняя бабушка-снобка, которая шепчет мне на ушко:

- Эти вещи не для тебя

- Ты не на помойке найдена (а кто найден?)

- Ты хочешь быть такой же как эти бездари?

- Если у тебя есть время на такие глупости...

- Опять этой фигней маешься?

Вероятно, это один из самых больших моих внутренних демонов, мешающих мне нормально сосуществовать с людьми. "Я не должна стать посредственностью, я не такая как другие", etc. Травма ли это или установка, не знаю.

Хочу быть маленьким плачущим ребенком, которого обнимают и говорят, что все будет хорошо, что все его проблемы будут решены, а обидчики наказаны. Но я взрослая, за меня никто не проживет мою жизнь и единственный главный обидчик - я сама.

Лежу и понимаю, что разбита, не приспособлена к жизни. Мне ничего не нравится, ничего не хочу. Боюсь всего, что меня окружает, боюсь своего будущего.

Страшно, что мои мысли за 5-7 лет почти не изменились. Осталась разумом шестнадцатилетним депрессивным подростком, считающим себя ничтожеством. Как и раньше избегаю проблем, избегаю самой жизни, вечно всем недовольна. С каждым годом все больше деградирую, моя речь становится скудной и противной.

Целыми днями лежу, дома разбросаны вещи, на полу разбросана я.