I Didnt Need This Pain Today

I didn’t need this pain today

I did not expect to be so violently called out in every way possible but damn here I am

My BSD kins and why I kin them:

I don't actually have a lot but I wanted to make this list regardless

Dazai

I kin Dazai mostly because I'm a compulsive, pathological liar. When faced with a conflict, my first instinct is to lie. Regardless of who I'm lying to(myself, my family, my friends, etc). This habit has made me very good at lying. So much so that I have a tendency to manipulate and be dishonest to my friends and family in order to avoid them posessing negative views towards me. I don't like lying and I try not to, but I simply do not understand why it's bad.

On a deeper level, I kin Dazai because I'm constantly seeking for a reason to live. Everyday I wake up without motivation to do anything, and I go to sleep with dread that I will wake up the next day. Life is just an ongoing loop of meaningless events. I feel as though I have a gaping hole in my chest, and I constantly try to fill that hole with my lies. I make jokes about wanting to die and act childish around my friends as a coping mechanism. I constantly tell myself, "My friends and family really do care about me," but it simply does not work. I feel only capable of feeling empathy(not sympathy), because I can't understand other people's pain until I go through it myself. This results in my lack of understanding of why most morals are the way they are.

Chuuya

I kin Chuuya mostly because I'm short. I constantly get made fun of for my height and weight. I am forced to turn to violence on a weekly basis, simply because no one takes me seriously. I fear the appearance of weakness, so I either compress my emotions or express them in a form of anger. I have not cried in a year due to this. I talk about the people I care about a lot, but in a way that doesn't express my regard for them. Sometimes I'll call them when I'm not in my right mind, just to call them slurs(dont worry I can say them). They find this entertaining. I would sacrifice my reputation and risk everything to avenge my friends, even if it may not be possible at the moment.

Ranpo

Ranpo lower on the list because I don't kin him that much. Though I am not that intelligent, my intelligence is like Ranpo's. Instead of creating plans to reach my goals like Dazai and Fyodor does, I'm more able to notice patterns in behavior. This allows me to deduce certain things about people, including their insecurities, occupation, and type of intelligence. I used to be able to figure out people's class schedules back in high school using small clues I picked up in their dialogue.

Unfortunately, I still don't understand people. I constantly struggle to fit in and I don't know why. It feels like everyone gets each other while I'm just the outlier. I ache to be like everyone else, but I have accepted that such a thing is unachievable.

Nikolai

I kin Nikolai because I feel trapped. I feel like my emotions are limiting me. Being an HSP, I am more empathetic than normal. Actions that remind me of my own past experiences deeply effect me, and I want to be free from them. I don't want to feel emotional attachment, but I can't help it. Like Dazai, I constantly mask my emotions and appear to be childish and immature. I am a sadist, but I can't tell whether I actually feel pleasure in seeing other people's pain, or if it is just another lie I have convinced myself of to make myself feel more free.

------

Side note: I've only read and watched bsd once so some of these might be wrong, please cut me some slack lmao.

so apparently today tumblr has chosen violence (I relate to regulus black on a spiritual level, I have watched bsd, banana fish and jjk, tumblr wtf)

When you enter the marauders fandom and you just find a bunch of other people who also like anime, danmei and other weird shit you’re into.

Fucking awesome.

NO THIS IS SO REAL- IM NOT EVEN IN THE MHA FANDOM AT THIS POINT BUT I READ THIS FIC CUZ I WAS BORED AND WHY NOT AND IT WAS SO GOOD NGL-

( @dfgfigfhf this is that mha and bsd fic I was telling u abt a few weeks ago btw😭😭😭)

Have you heard of 'When We're Together (I'm Not Afraid of My Tears)'? Since M&M ended it's been my new crossover fixation

YES! YES I HAVE!

Ohhh it's so good, i'm glad im not the only one rabid about this 😅

now that i think about it, i probably should post some sketches (i've been doodling some scenes in my notebook during church lmao) so thanks for reminding me!!

THIS IS SO PRETTY WTF???

previous Good Omens fan art.

Evan: Yeah, me and Barty don't use pet names.

Pandora: Really? What does a bee make?

Evan: Honey?

Regulus: No, no you're doing it wrong. What do you call a female dog?

Evan: A bitch?

Barty (falling from the ceiling): Yea dickhead?