I Am So Late, But Plot-heavy Fyodor Fics

I am so late, but plot-heavy Fyodor fics 🤩🤩🤩🙏👌❤️💋

♜ ❛ 𝐎𝐕𝐄𝐑 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐂𝐈𝐓𝐘, 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐇𝐈𝐆𝐇 𝐌𝐎𝐎𝐍 𝐋𝐀𝐘 ❜ — FROM EDEN

content. f!reader. kidnapping, canon compliant, mutual pining, enemies and lovers, explicit language, canon-typical violence, murder, and references to suicide. not proofread. 6.2k+ words.

author's note. i'm super excited for the first entry to this series! i wanted to release this days ago, but i wasn't satisfied with it, so it's gone through a couple drafts, and i stayed up way too late to finish it, so i hope you enjoy!

feel free to fill out the separate taglist if you want to be notified about updates!

“They are the only ones capable of defeating him,” you finally met his hostile stare. “Tell me—in a game of cards, what would be the benefit of showing your deck to someone who isn’t your ally?”

Dust twirled and twisted in the air, sparkling in the shine of a sunset that threatened to bleach essential documents with its powerful rays. People restlessly muttered to themselves, filling in the quiet as they tried to finish their last bits of work so they could retire into their nightly routines. There were the outliers, of course. Dazai hardly ever touched paperwork when asked and leaned back in his chair without a care in the world. Ranpo was always in a similar state, though he took the time to devour a new lollipop every couple of minutes, having been gifted a couple of bagfuls courtesy of Minoura and his subordinates.

"We're back!" you exclaimed, propping the office door open with your hip as you adjusted a flimsy tray of caffeinated drinks in your arms, letting Atsushi in with the rest of them. Everyone perked up as if they were rescued from peril, most wandering over in the hopes of snatching theirs before returning to their excruciating endeavors.

You craned your head back towards your newest recruit. "Could you set those down in there?"

"Sure," Atsushi replied, distracted as he labored to balance his tray onto the table without spilling anything. In the end, he relented and decided to remove each individual drink and set them down. You tried not to make fun of his relieved expression—he was probably traumatized from the time he had spilled them all. Despite reassurances from most people that it was okay, everyone had been in a cranky mood for the rest of that day, so you decided to assist him with the task ever since.

While Atsushi deliberated with his task, you decided to deliver drinks to those who had chosen not to leave their work. "One espresso for Kunikida." The man merely waved in thanks with his non-dominant hand, too engrossed in drafting an incident report. "And one abomination for Dazai." The suicide enthusiast scoffed as he snatched the drink from your hands, cradling it like it was his malformed baby. It was a miracle he didn't burn his hands.

"I'll have you know that this is the secret concoction for my beauty."

"Certain it's not another suicide attempt?" And despite his concentration, Kunikida always had time to comment on his partner's less-than-stellar preferences, especially when they always seemed to find a way to obstruct his work.

"Even if it's not one," you covered your nose as a rancid smell started to waft from the cup, "the smell alone makes me want to jump."

"I'm wounded!"

You left Kunikida to handle Dazai, knowing he was likely seconds away from throttling him, and your hands cramped as you balanced not only a drink but a collection of pastries sent from the café manager's wife herself. The drink wasn't much better than Dazai's, though it luckily didn't have a distinct smell. It was just the massive amounts of sugar that made you nauseous as you tried not to imagine the taste of such a sweet drink.

How the master detective didn't have any cavities was beyond you.

"Only the finest drink for the world's greatest detective," you said, amused as you settled it down in front of him. He remained stretched back, legs propped over the desk as he swung them back and forth.

Without an ability, you were often chained to office work—but it was no secret that you thrived out on the field, regardless of whether you had an ability or not. You became the unspoken assistant to Ranpo whenever he was needed outside of the office, functioning as both an equal and interpreter for his blunt and childlike mannerisms. It had created a kinship between you both as the only two "ability-less" agents allowed to solve cases by themselves.

"It's about time," he groaned.

But that didn't stop him from having an attitude with you or anyone else.

"Glad you didn't forget the creamer—unlike someone here."

Ranpo and the resident weretiger locked eyes, with the latter returning the gaze with an unamused glare. There was another unspoken fact about the staff at the Agency—Ranpo was notorious for taunting new recruits, especially ones as reactive as Atsushi. In fact, Kunikida's first months had to have been your favorite time. Despite his inherent respect for his senior, even he had a difficult time and questioned the methods and attitude of the super-deduction genius, but like everyone else, he learned Ranpo was simply that way.

"(Name)-san!" your train of thought was broken, spinning on your heel to meet the brunette woman calling your name, pausing as she pointed at her computer screen. "Can you take a look at this for me?"

She shrunk back from the stern tilt of your head. "You're not asking me to do it for you again, are you?" Her reaction told you everything you needed to know; scrunching back in her seat as sweat started to drip from her forehead. "I told you I can't do your work for you anymore. It's not my fault you're too busy obsessing over your cat."

She fiddled with her thumbs like a scorned child. You sighed. "Fine, I'll check it, but nothing more! Capeesh?"

Her relief sprung forth like a rushing waterfall, uttering 'thank you's' and 'I owe you one's'—as if she ever returned the favor. You rolled your chair beside her, scanning over the documents on her screen, which consisted primarily of the office's activities and expenditures from the past two weeks. From the ambush by the Black Lizard to the serial disappearances of travelers, both the minds and pockets of the staff had run rampant without constraint.

"These dates need to match with the ones on these papers, not those. You've also swapped two of the addresses," you said, pointing to them on the screen, "here and here."

She groaned, throwing her head back as she massaged the corners of her screen-strained eyes. "Thank you. I'd have my head on backward if you weren't here."

You elbowed her, offering her a comforting but cheeky smile. "That's what I'm here for."

RING! RING!

You picked up the phone as you shooed Haruno back to her work. These phones sucked, the speaker crackling to life with the ambient sounds of static. Most of them had been donated or were bought used, obviously on their last life. It made the constant back-and-forth with clients a guaranteed path to a headache, but there wasn't much else you could do about it. Despite the government's proclamations that the agency was a well-regarded and heroic organization worthy of praise, they rarely invested their resources so that it could flourish to its truest potential—that wasn't a surprise, given how Yokohama's Special Division treated abilities that weren't under its thumb.

"You've reached the Armed Detective Agency—this is Kurihara (Name) speaking. How can I help you?"

The voice on the other end of the line was muffled, but it was difficult to tell if that was a fault of the phone or if it was an intentional endeavor on the speaker's part. "Hallo, Ms. Kurihara. Such a charming voice." You pressed your ear closer to the receiver in spite of the pain. If you didn't know any better, you'd say that the man on the other line had an accent—German, you thought.

That was unusual, to say the least. Most people who knew about the detective agency were domestic, or at the very least from Japan if they weren't from the city itself. Contact from anyone outside of that demographic was abnormal, at least if it was in association with an everyday case.

Your reaction seemed to at least catch the attention of one person. "Is something wrong?" Naomi mouthed from across the desks, but you brushed her off as you tried to refocus.

"Thank you, sir. What can I do for you?"

"Straight to the point, hm?" he clicked his tongue. "I'll be quick. You're the agency's liaison, yes?"

"I am," you replied, fiddling with the coils of the phone cord, knotting it around your index finger before squishing it with your thumb.

"Marvelous! I have a message for you to deliver."

The normal part of you wanted to snap back at the man, stating he could have easily placed this message of his into an email, maybe added a GIF or two if he wanted to be theatrical, but the atypical set-up of the conversation left your normal wit at the front door. This man was odd if you had been asked to describe him, and it wasn't because of his accent—no, you had met plenty of people who spoke the same with an assortment of personalities, both good and bad. It was the lilt of his tone that threw you for a loop, like a snake trying to act as the charmer, luring in a mouse with cheese as it waited at the end of a trap. Perhaps that was the reason you decided to take a pen and some paper from Haruno's stationery, fidgeting with the clicker as he continued to speak, an anxious action that did little to appease your watchful juniors.

"You have two hours to hand over your master detective."

You peered over at the aforementioned sleuth out of the corner of your eye, who sat none-the-wiser to his newfound predicament, downing his candied drink as he grouched to himself about his boredom despite the piles of cases on his desk. He certainly wouldn't be bored after this. It wasn't rare for someone to threaten Ranpo—he was incredibly polarizing—but more often than not, it was a prank. This wasn't the same.

"Failure to do so," the man over the phone stopped himself, attempting to contain his amusement as his laughter almost slipped into cartoonish joy, forcing you to swallow the impulse to insult the unseen bastard from head-to-toe, "will result in the premature slumber of the clerks and clients of Chuoshijo Bank. That will be where the handover will occur."

You almost broke the phone as its thinner bridge started to crush in your hand. "I'm assuming you won't say why you're doing this?"

He left off with a chuckle. "That's all part of the fun, no?"

The line dropped, and you were only left with the same static. You were silent and contemplative as you reconnected the phone and stared at the piece of paper in your hand. The next step would be to check if this threat was as legitimate as the man made it out to be and you had your suspicions. Three of your juniors eyed you as you walked over to the agency's beacon of ideals, which only drew the attention of everyone else.

"Kunikida."

No response.

"I think he's a little preoccupied," Atsushi replied for him, though you didn't need a reply as you watched the blonde's hand move back and forth in a rhythm, his focus honestly admirable.

"He won't be for long."

The slap reverberated throughout the office, and if your co-workers weren't paying attention before, they certainly were now. Kunikida took a moment to pause his work, eyes drifting to look at the paper that had assaulted his face, which innocently floated onto the surface of his desk. He scowled at the message scrawled across the page, though it was only noticeable through the subtle twitch of his eye.

"Is this threat legitimate?" He adjusted his glasses with the edge of his finger as if the words on the paper would morph into something else, but they didn't.

"A threat?" Kenji leaned his body to peer around you, trying to take a curious look at the message.

"Whoever this was claims they'll kill the people at Chuoshijo Bank if we don't hand over Ranpo."

It only took a couple of moments before almost the entire office gathered around, staring at the paper with both intrigue and worry. No one had ever attempted to place an actual threat toward the lead detective, at least not since most of the members had joined. Even senior members were a bit confused by it, and it felt like a bad omen.

"It wasn't from a local," you piped up. "The man had an accent. German, if I'm not mistaken."

Dazai was one of the members who didn't bother to rise from his chair, though he had no issue inserting his two cents into the discussion. "He could be a member of the Kanagawa Insurance Agency. It's a front for the Port Mafia, but some of its associates were hired from a German reconnaissance platoon after the war."

It astounded you that people never realized his previous profession, even with the numerous times he had delved into information only a Port Mafia member would know. Kunikida was still left in the dark, but he went with his words without question, which was both admirable since he trusted his partner so much and worrisome since he never seemed to pick up on that detail. There was a secret bet for how long it would take for him to realize it.

"We probably won't receive answers from them directly," Kunikida grumbled, the weariness in his tone palpable. He reflected the temperament of the entire agency, wanting a break from the chaos. "We'll have to conduct an investigation."

"The important question is—what could they want with Ranpo?" you asked, and everyone turned to the detective for the answer, only to find him asleep in his chair, hat awkwardly covering his face with his emptied cup still in hand.

"Dazai, (Name)," Kunikida's sternness drew your attention away, "head down to the bank to scope out the situation and try to make contact with the enemy. I'll inform the Boss of the situation while Atsushi and Tanizaki investigate their headquarters. Everyone else is to remain here and protect Ranpo."

The look in his eyes was similar to that of a hawk as he stared at Dazai. "We don't know if they've released the threat publicly, so watch what you say."

"Aye, Aye!" Dazai exclaimed with a salute. "You heard him, (Name)."

"I was referring to you, Dazai!"

"Kurihara-san!" a voice called from the midst of reporters. "What's the reason for the Armed Detective Agency's involvement?"

"We are strictly here to advise the police. Please disperse from this area."

You grimaced as you and Dazai tried to maneuver through a throng of news crews swarming around the outer reaches of the bank. On a normal day, the neighborhood was tranquil, a scenic location near the harbor with an occasional cluster of families or tourists, but the frenzy of flashing cameras and insistent voices shattered that panoramic atmosphere. The organization that man belonged to likely tipped them off, since there were rarely reporters so early in the case.

"Is the Port Mafia involved in this incident?" one reporter hollered, driving a microphone alarmingly close to your face.

"Can you confirm if this is connected to the string of robberies in Gumyoji-cho?" another piped in, several cameramen competing with each other for the best view. You had to stop yourself from rolling your eyes as Dazai tried to place himself in every frame.

This was the aspect of your position that irritated you the most, though you were considered the most adept at handling it out of any of your co-workers—but these people so easily ignored the fact that real lives could possibly be on the line, simply because they wanted their next big break. Luckily for you and unluckily for them, this was one of the few occasions when you were permitted to summon a little attitude.

You held up your hand, shoving the microphone back in the opposite direction. "When the police have prepared a statement, they'll let you know." Like Moses with the Red Sea, the news crews parted at the hint of your obvious irritation. Many of them had become familiar with your infamous intolerance for the media's bullshit from several other incidents, and none of them wanted to be the victim of one of your notorious letters to their bosses. The liaison of the Armed Detective Agency was not to be tested.

"Remind me never to cover for you."

You chuckled at the comment from your companion, bumping his shoulder. "You'd have to get out of bed on days you *are* scheduled for that to ever happen.

Dazai gaped at your scathing dissertation of his character, inclined to make chase as he rushed to catch you through the crowd, only to tumble over the police tape, which astonishingly remained secure as he landed on his face. If he hadn't received enough attention before, he certainly was now as cameras turned to him in not-so-subtle attempts to capture the dashing detective, now a pile of bandages on the sidewalk.

Despite your amusement, you had mercy on him, tugging him by the tails of his trench coat as he wept into your arms. "I can't believe this. My reputation—ruined!"

"I'm certain you'll find some girl who doesn't watch the news," you replied, patting his shoulder in a mock attempt to comfort him.

"Detectives!" a voice hollered from further in the taped-off zone. On further inspection, it was Deputy Minoura who waved the both of you over. It allowed for a momentary respite as the crews turned their cameras away from your faces and onto the building itself, but no one seemed to have greater relief than Minoura, though he raised a brow at your unlikely duo. "Where's your master detective? Is he really too busy to get his ass down here? Should've bribed him with more of those damn sweets."

Despite the severity of the situation, you had to try hard not to laugh. "Actually, he's under watch at the office. The same people who've orchestrated this mess are after him, too."

"Shit," he mumbled, and you felt an instant wave of pity for the poor man. He had a lot of shit on his plate already, if you knew anything about his superiors, and was handed a mostly incompetent task force of barely qualified cadets that depended on Ranpo to solve their problems. Minoura gnawed at the inside of his lip, a hand brushing against the small patch of stubble on his chin. "I'll be frank with you: things aren't looking great. The entire place is on lockdown, and no one's be able to make contact with anyone inside."

You and Dazai eyed each other, not wanting to verbally recognize the unspoken aspect of the situation—the possible chance that everyone inside could already be a bunch of corpses. Neither of you wanted to jump to that conclusion, and while it was within the realm of possibility, it would do more harm than good to assume that was the case right out of the gate. However, the two-hour time constraint remained a further pressure as the clock ticked by.

Dazai hummed. "When's the last time your men swept the perimeter?"

"It's been a bit," Minoura replied. "They've been focused around the main entrance and the roof, so I'll leave the rest to you two for now."

You started your search on the side of the building that faced the harbor, pushing on doors and peeking through windows for the chance there was a crack in their defenses. It took a few minutes of investigating, but it was as Minoura had stated—everything was locked and covered. No loose doors and no cracked windows. Banks were always the worst when it came to any sort of terror situation due to their structure, made like a prison under the perfect circumstances.

"There should be another exit connected to the second floor," you said, pointing back to a staircase you both had yet to look into. "I'll check there while you start on the other side."

His eyes followed you as you ran out of sight, and he hated the abnormal inkling that was itching at the back of his mind, refusing to bubble to the surface. It was aggravating for the genius to be left in the dark by his own thoughts, typically a master of his mind, but the situation itself eluded him. The total lockdown of the bank, the lack of contact from hostages, the tip-off of the media—something wasn't adding up.

It took him another minute before a part of his realization set in.

It shouldn't take you that long to check a fire escape.

Your eyes fluttered open, the thump of your heartbeat deafening your ears like an alarm clock. It took careful deliberations to breathe, the air as thick and warm as molasses on a summer day. The dusky radiance of the moon did little to aid your search as you tried to piece together your location.

It was an abandoned warehouse—a cavernous expanse of shadows and echoed sound. Steel beams crisscrossed above, reinforcing the high-vaulted ceiling that was laden with cobwebs in every corner. Wooden crates scattered about, some sealed with others wide open, stacked haphazardly across slick concrete, shaping into a labyrinth of unknown objects. It would've been the place of nightmares if not for your splintering headache, which placed your fearful reaction on hold as you muttered to yourself, tussling with the restraints that threatened to cut off your blood flow.

"Good morning, Dornröschen."

A man sauntered out from behind a crate, and you shuddered to think he had stood there watching the entire time. He was middle-aged and stoutly built, with tufts of sandy, peppered hair that slicked back to touch his crown, not a strand out of place. In other circumstances, you'd assume he was a foreign dignitary—a walking advertisement for the heights of western-European fashion, dawning a Brioni wool suit and Austrian Oxfords. He repositioned his golden cufflinks, the room thickening with the stench of an oud-scented cologne.

"Nice to finally meet face-to-face, Ms. Kurihara."

The blurred edges of your vision cleared away, and your face shined with clarity. "You're the caller."

He oozed with a cartoonesque delight, clasping his hands. "Correct! And I must admit, you are even lovelier than you sound over the phone, herzchen."

You scowled as he attempted to cup your face with those same grubby hands, leaning away. "Don't touch me."

"A feisty one, hm?"

He jerked a stainless steel flask out of his pocket, monogrammed with initials—E.K. You eyed it before you swallowed a groan, having arrived at a worrisome conclusion. Dazai had been correct. The leader of that aforementioned German reconnaissance platoon, as he had informed you en route to the bank, was a man named Eduard Knopf—and it seemed you had the honor and displeasure of meeting him face-to-face. He had a reputation for being a seedy individual, luring people into deals that always fell through on the other end, leaving the poor soul in debt to both the mafia and their front company.

You hissed when he yanked on your ear, forcing you to meet his gaze. "It's fortunate our efforts didn't go to waste. For all their discernment, your co-workers aren't too vigilant when it comes to guarding their most precious asset, no?" Your nose shriveled in disgust as the smell of whiskey was blown against your face. "Left defenseless without an ability."

You blinked, trying to process everything. "Precious?" you muttered as he released his hold on your ear to take another sip from his flask. "I'm just a liaison. They could easily find a replacement for my position if they needed to. And what about Ranpo?"

Eduard spat out his drink, hacking as he punched his chest to cough it onto the floor. You stared with disbelief and disdain as he went from choking to laughing, almost hysterically.

"What's so funny?"

"This isn't about that infantile detective," he said, wiping a tear—if you knew anything about Ranpo, you knew he had probably detected that insult from miles away. "We have our ways of learning about him and every one of your co-workers. No, that's not why we brought you here."

Your lips pressed together in a tight line. "Then why am I here?"

"Do you not know?" he pressed, tilting his head as if you were supposed to ascertain his thoughts from the sky. "That's possible, certainly, but I'd hate for you to disappoint me. You've been so charming up until now."

"Can I have a hint?" you urged, trying to hold back your obvious irritation as your legs pulled against the restraints.

"Your name was at the top of a list."

Thousands of questions swarmed in your mind, but the one at the forefront was exactly who created this list. It wasn't likely the government—out of all your co-workers, you were the least likely to be put under watch. That honor went to Dazai, with Atsushi barely placing as a runner-up. And it certainly wasn't the Port Mafia; they had no interest in an ability-less woman unless it was for a ransom.

"Who made the—"

"It was found in a database that belongs to the Demon from the North."

Oh. Oh.

"Damn it," you muttered, head leaned back as you resigned to your inevitable fate. "Of course, it's him."

"So you do know! Marvelous, simply marvelous."

But with your newfound clarity, you looked at Eduard with an altered point of view. The revelation shattered your initial assumptions, and your ass kicked back into gear, racking over every detail as you sunk back into an older perspective, careful not to fall too far in. Otherwise, you'd be left to crawl out without a lifeline to hold on to.

"How did you gain access to his servers?"

"We had several spies infiltrate the Rats—some professional hackers that breached into his operating system within a week." His pride was palpable as it spilled over. He adjusted the lapels of his suit with the confidence of a man who had not spattered a concoction of alcohol and saliva across the dirty floor. "So I can assure you that your secrets are in capable hands. We both want the same thing, and my men are prepared to squash these pests once and for all."

"Hm, really?" you hummed noncommittally.

"Of course! All you need to do is tell us what you know. I'm certain the agency will understand the mutual benefit."

He drew his phone out from another pocket, fingers aimlessly mashing at buttons as he tried to search for something. Only a few moments passed before his foot began to tap, the heel of his shoe echoing inside this metal tin of a structure as he became antsier by the second. Fortunately, he found what he wanted and turned the screen in your direction. You squinted, your eyes adjusting to the glaring light of a blurred list. The picture was almost indecipherable, as if a high-schooler had taken it—though even the teens in the agency were likely ten times as capable as Eduard's spies.

"Do you recognize any of these names?"

You deciphered the unintelligible text the best you could manage, but after the first name, it didn't matter. The trend was obvious to anyone featured on it, and a part of you didn't want to say anything, but that would probably cause more problems than necessary.

"I do."

"Perfect!" he exclaimed. "Can you remember any addresses? Cities would work, too."

"It wouldn't matter, even if I did." You eyed him, and the next words you uttered drained the life out of you. "They're all dead."

He paused, stumbling over his gestures. "Are you certain? Everyone on this list—"

"Is dead and buried. Six-feet-under."

He bore into his phone, staring at the list with morbid fascination. "So this is a hit list?" The look he made left little room for comfort. You had to resist the impulse to scooch back in your seat. "You must have some important information, then. Anything you wish to share? I have no doubt we could come up with a little arrangement for your release."

"What do you have to lose?" he chuckled, his phone clicking with each stroke as he preemptively started to draft a message.

"No."

.

.

.

"Excuse me?"

Silence filled the warehouse, the wind of the harbor acting as the only sound. He turned on his heel, his phone limp in a loosened hand. You had no reason or desire to meet his eyes; you were merely looking beyond him.

"He's your enemy," Eduard griped, his brow twitching as he tucked his phone back into his pocket. "Why keep his secrets to yourself? Is it 'cause you're not aligned with our methods? You can't pretend the agency is the epitome of morality."

"It isn't that," you replied, watching the moon as it made its ascent above the window line. "It's just that you're incapable of defeating him."

His voice dwindled to a murmur, dripping with the venom of a snake oil salesman. "My organization has ten times the manpower of that pathetic agency of yours. What could they do, hm?"

"They are the only ones capable of defeating him," you finally met his hostile stare. "Tell me—in a game of cards, what would be the benefit of showing your deck to someone who isn't your ally? And what's the chance that they'd rat you out the moment they were inevitably backed into a corner?"

His mouth outstretched into a vicious snarl, and he toyed with his pocket. "Oh, herzchen. And here I thought you were smart." A flash of metal lustered in the moon's brilliance as Eduard fiddled with the safety of an old Luger pistol—not that you seemed that interested, your eyes distant once more. He smacked the muzzle against your forehead in a vain attempt to allure a reaction but was only met with silence.

"I'll make sure to return you in one piece."

BANG!

The sound deafened the warehouse. Hardened eyes subsided into shock before they glazed over as Eduard sunk to the floor, his head hitting the concrete with a hard smack. Blood trickled into a stream out of the wound in his forehead from the bullet that had pierced straight through his skull.

"You've gotten yourself into quite the predicament."

You acknowledged the speckles of blood on your skin with a wince, a familiar silhouette approaching from the darkness. It had been a minute since you had seen his face, but you knew those intense eyes, only veiled by the thin strands of hair that fell between them. He raised a curious brow as you noted the pistol in his right hand, which he turned to conceal back into his pocket. A hush filled the space once more, the depth of your stare only amusing him.

"You don't look too pleased to see me."

"I can't say I am," you replied. "You're bound to bring destruction wherever you trail."

He smirked, fingers smoothing against the scrape on your forehead. "Is that any way to speak to your savior?"

"You mean my actual kidnapper?" your lip quirked up. "You didn't expect me to believe this was all some sort of coincidence, did you? Don't tell me you think I'm an idiot."

"You, моя милая? Never," he replied, his devilish smile flickering into a softer expression before reverting once more. "It was predictable to partner with the Armed Detective Agency, любимая. It's no surprise they've drawn you in."

"Predictable actions can have unprecedented results. You'll just have to wait for my next move."

He lifted your chin with the edge of his finger, swiping his thumb underneath your jawline. "As anticipated. I'd only expect the best from you."

His fingers danced across the surface of an old switchblade's handle, severing the rotted restraints around your wrists and ankles until you were unbound. He braced your shoulders as you attempted to stand on your own two feet, body unused to your weight from the hours of sitting—it was no surprise that he took the opportunity to snake an arm around your waist, pressing you firmly against his chest.

"It's been too long," he drawled, a satisfied smile pressed against the heated skin of your neck as you tried in vain not to melt at his touch. You found yourself subconsciously returning the gesture, a hand drawing circles up his spine in a manner that always made him fold.

"What're you playing at?"

"It's as you said." He raised the palm of your hand to his lips, kisses intricately placed into every wrinkle before they carefully decorated the marks on your wrists. "It's foolish to show your cards to an enemy. And you, моя милая, are the worst person to show my hand."

You hummed as he left a kiss on your forehead, careful not to disturb the bruise that started to blossom. "So cold you are," he whispered. "To take my heart and wield it against me."

And you allowed yourself to lean into his chest, eased by the subtle beat of his heart. "I could say the same to you, Федя."

The warmth of his hands rendered you motionless, a reminder of balsam smoke in the altars of churches that had been ebbed over the years. For the first time in forever, you indulged in his presence and allowed his soft words to soothe your doubts with every caress. He was temptation itself, and he knew what he was doing. It would be so easy to succumb to his sweet delusions. Your chin was lifted once more, and you knew you wouldn't be able to resist him if he kissed you. But as your lips were about to meet, voices could be heard from further in the warehouse.

"What if she's hurt?"

"I'm sure she's fine, Atsushi," a sardonic voice responded. "(Name)'s a tough woman. She can handle herself."

You looked away from Fyodor, smiling fondly at the racket created by your co-workers. He stared for a moment before letting out a resigned sigh, drawing your attention back in his direction.

"It seems our time has been cut shorter than I anticipated." He left one last kiss against your knuckles. "Until we meet again." He left in the opposite direction, his black coat shielding him from sight as your co-workers round the corner.

"(Name)-san!" Atsushi exclaimed, the stomp of his boots echoing until they came to a halt, split-colored eyes widening at the sight of Eduard's body. "What happened to him?"

Your brow puckered as you racked your mind for an excuse—it was obvious you hadn't done this, but could you possibly tell them the truth? And how would you even start?

Dazai knelt beside the corpse, careful not to displace any vital evidence as he moved disheveled hair away to assess the wound. Clean entrance in the back, messy exit in the front—a shot from behind. His face bowed in contemplation, lines of deep thought etching along his face before he perked back into his normal guise, practically bouncing on one foot in mirth.

"Oh, thank goodness!" he cried, practically bouncing as he took your hands into his in an all-too-familiar manner. "I was so worried something had happened to you. 'Such a waste of beauty,' I said!"

Your response was to flick his forehead, chuckling as he shrank down to the floor with his head in his hands, whining about your 'cruelty' and that he'd 'make you pay for such heartlessness.' Atsushi, on the other hand, was left with more questions than answers.

"Weren't these the same men after Ranpo?" he pressed, scratching his chin. "They never appeared at the agency. What'd they want with you?"

"It seems they believed I had some top-secret information on someone," you replied, messing with the fabric of your sleeves. "They used Ranpo as a decoy to bait me before knocking me out when we were investigating the bank."

"What kind of info did they want?"

You would be foolish not to notice the minute tilt in Dazai's head, an indicator for whenever he was attempting to probe someone. But you weren't a fool, and you stood your ground.

"We didn't have much time to delve into details."

You acknowledged him by returning his gesture, and he stared for a moment before relenting for the time being. It wasn't likely that he'd let the subject go completely, but you needed that precious time in order to think about the endless questions you'd be answering—along with which ones to answer truthfully and which ones to cover up. It was a dangerous game to play with the former mafia executive, but what fun would it be if it wasn't?

The two escorted you outside, and a foul order made you increasingly aware of the reason Atsushi had sounded so worried. Bodies lined the outside of the warehouse; armored men piled in clumps like dead flies as they rotted in the summer heat, their weapons unused as they sat, long dead. Had Eduard sat inside the entire time without realizing his men had all perished?

You looked at them with a solemn expression and tried not to think about it too much. "What happened with the bank? How did you manage to find me?"

"As it turns out, no one was in the bank at all."

You turned back to Atsushi, stupefied. "Huh?"

"Apparently, someone pulled the fire alarm." Dazai stared at the corpses with a similar soberness, eyes distant. "Once everyone was out, they managed to lock down the building. There was no proper way to get a headcount, so it took some time for police to realize that the threat was false."

You sighed, feeling ten times lighter. "At least no one was hurt."

"Ranpo-san was the one who pointed us here," Atsushi interjected, seeming equally as surprised as you were. "He said something about sensing someone underestimating him?"

You laughed. "Yeah, that tracks."

"We'll have to report this back to the Boss." Dazai's face twisted into a malicious expression as he wriggled his fingers. You were very aware of Fukuzawa's responses whenever one of his subordinates was targeted, and Dazai was gleeful in reminding you of that fact. "You'll be in kiddy jail for weeks. Think of how light our paperwork will be—!"

"That man."

You and Atsushi shrieked as Kyouka emerged from the shadows. It seemed that she had followed behind, which hadn't been an uncommon habit in the weeks following her unofficial introduction to the agency, but you and Atsushi seemed to have both forgotten about it. You clutched your heart, taking a deep breath.

"I think I might have an aneurysm."

"That man with the weird hat." You froze. "Who was he?"

"A man with a weird hat?" Atsushi asked, mostly in a rhetorical sense that was a product of his own amused confusion. You wanted to smack yourself—she must've been able to watch from the rafters, a skill the small girl had depended on from her days in the Port Mafia.

You looked back at the warehouse with a wistful expression. "He's...just an old friend."

"Was he the one that saved you?"

The words felt difficult to swallow. "It's usually the opposite."

Before Atsushi could question your weird choice of words, you started to make your way back to the office. He yelled after you for you to slow down, but the sinking feeling in your stomach only forced you to pick up speed. Dazai was abnormally silent throughout the entire exchange, hands dipping into the pockets of his trench coat as he followed where your eyes had been, scanning the exterior of the warehouse. He frowned before deciding to follow the rest.

He'd be sure to interrogate you later.

Fyodor stood on top of the warehouse, obscured from the ground level, as he watched you drift further and further away from him. He took off his hat, letting the winds of the harbor overshadow his rueful expression.

"Let the games begin, моя любовь."

hallo = hello dornröschen = sleeping beauty herzchen = sweetheart любимая = beloved (моя) Милая = (my) dear федя = fedya (моя) любовь = (my) love

𝐓𝐀𝐆𝐋𝐈𝐒𝐓: @aureatchi @betweensinners @imhandicapableofmath @lovedazai @osameowdazai @ruru-kiss @ishqani @zyilas @lovesick-fairy @fedyascoffin @squigglewigglewoo @kelperspelt @miloofc @s1eepybunny @dazaisms @deepseafragments @crayonssz @himikoslove @little-miss-chaoss @justcallmesakira @number1morihater @fyorina @yonseibananamilk @suru1990 @honeymoon38 @saeandscaralover @vnk91t

© 𝐆𝐔𝐀𝐂𝐀𝐌𝐎𝐋𝐄𝐑𝐎𝐋𝐋 2024 — do not repost or modify my works for any reason. do not steal graphics w/o explicit permission. reblogs are appreciated.

just going through notifications and just saw it, thanks for the tagg

and here are my 5 things that make me immeasurably happy:

listening to music in the car (especially if somebody else is driving so i don't need to pay attention to the road and i'm choosing the music)

finding time to sit down and just read in complete silence (''the master and margarita'' i promise to finish you when i have the timee)

my cat felix because he is the best black cat to have ever blessed this planet

that realization from time to time that life is as unpredictable as it gets and it gives you this joy that nothing is set in stone

when you're at school but you have no work and so you, the teachers and other students are just talking about the most random shit ever (good times)

i may be a homebody but it is what it is

List 5 things that make you happy, then put this in the askbox for the last 10 people who liked or reblogged something from you! Get to know your mutuals, followers and all the wonderful people on here! (no pressure ofc <3)

Awww this is so sweet ! 🥹 Lo siento que me tarde mucho para contestar 😭😭

5 things that make me happy:

Gojo Satoru (my beloved) 🩵

Seeing the people I love and my dog happy TT

Going to new places I've never been to.

Watching the clouds ☁️ and taking pics of the sky ( I have a whole bunch lol )

Food (esp. homemade food, yummy! <3)

Tagging ( just for today 😊):

@gojosatorubrainrot @sugutoad @driaswrld @baepsays @pupkashi @bluespring-love @black-nirvanna @gojocp

@maeby-cursed @yunymphs + Anyone can join ☆

Always leave it to @petrichor-han to write the best angst out there, honestly! Play with your feelings from the right angles!

I loved how it wasn't the happy ending everybody wishes for cuz life doesn't always work out in the end! And that just makes it all the more exciting!

red desert | h.hj

PAIRING | hyunjin x afab!reader

CAST | hwang hyunjin, yoo jimin (karina), kim minjeong (winter), mentions of felix lee, uchinaga aeri (giselle), ning yizhuo (ningning)

WC | 10.2k

GENRE | angst, fwb, college!au

WARNINGS | explicit language, casual marijuana usage, alcohol consumption, sexual references & jokes

SYNOPSIS | inspired by the song “red desert” by 5SOS. // you won't admit that you're in love with hwang hyunjin, and he won't admit that he's in love with you either. instead, he asks you to accompany him on a trip into the desert, where everything comes to the surface in between grains of red sand and fractured sunlight.

A/N | this is aggressively american and also loosely based off of the camping trip that i went on with my fwb last october. let’s just say that a 6 hour car ride and three days in the desert with him solidified some things and we haven’t spoken since. (same note as the teaser)

request to be added to current and future taglists HERE!

MASTERLIST | RAIN’S PLAYLIST

The day that he asked you to go with him, his hair was red. You remember because he’d been blonde for so long that you couldn’t remember how he looked with his natural color. He was the type of person to dye it so often that his roots hardly ever showed any signs of growth, because he claimed that he hated when people let their dyed hair grow out, even though that was normal and quite frankly, what ninety-nine percent of the population with dyed hair tended to do.

You’d run your fingers through his split ends and dry blonde locks, telling him maybe he should give the bleach a rest. But he shook his head, shook off your hold, and firmly said that he liked how he looked blonde. Other people liked how he looked blonde.

You liked how he looked blonde.

And it was true—his hair was the reason he caught your eye when he walked into the room that night. His silvery locks caught the neon lights bouncing off the disco ball drilled into the ceiling and made you turn your attention away from the semi-hot, semi-lame guy you were chatting up, hoping to get laid after a particularly long dry spell. You’d excused yourself, shaking your empty red Solo cup in his face, making his eyes cross slightly as you yelled, “I need another drink!” over the loud music. You didn’t bother to wait around for a response, cutting through the crowd and feeling sticky skin and damp fabric clinging to you as you pushed past people to try and reach the boy with blonde hair.

He’d settled against the wall, right next to the kitchen so that people were constantly pushing past him and putting him in an awkward position. Clearly, this wasn’t really his scene. But as you gasped, nearly toppling over as you escaped the tightly knit crowd into the outskirts, you looked up and saw him passing a loosely wrapped joint to his friend, lithe fingers carefully handling the badly wrapped object, as if it could fall apart at any moment. And honestly, it looked like it could. He turned his attention to you as you straightened up, blowing a cloud of smoke to the side as he looked you up and down, one side of his mouth turning upwards. He seemed to like what he was seeing as you walked over and perched yourself on the wall right next to him. His friend seemed to feel the tension before either of you two did, and edged away, busying himself with another person that had escaped the crowd. 

“Is it always this busy here?” he asked you, shoving his hands into the pockets of his loose jeans. 

His voice. He had the most gorgeous voice you’d ever heard, and you practically melted into a puddle on the sticky, beer-covered floor. 

“I mean, free alcohol and hot guys? Who wouldn’t come here on a Saturday night?” you ask. You realize now that you’ve lost your cup somewhere, probably back in the crowd. Your throat is dry, and you wish you had a sip of something to take away your nervousness—you weren’t quite tipsy yet. 

“The guys at TKE are gross,” the guy said, wrinkling his nose. “Trust me. I used to be friends with some of them.” 

“All guys are gross,” you counter. 

“Fine. But take my word for it—the ones at TKE are especially gross.” 

“And how can I trust what you say?” Your words are accusatory, but your tone is flirty, and the guy picks up on it as you move closer to him, mostly to edge further away from the kitchen entrance as a pair of extremely drunk girls stumble towards the guy passing out drinks. 

“Maybe my name will provide some credibility?” he says, nudging his friend with the badly wrapped joint as he passes by, hand in hand with someone in leather pants. The friend rolls his eyes but hands him a cart, which the guy accepts and hits once before offering it to you. 

You start to decline, but the way he wiggles it enticingly makes you change your mind for some reason, and you mimic him, taking a big hit before handing it back to him, coughing a little as you turn your head and blow the smoke away. “Alright, so what’s your name?” you ask, eyes watering. You can already feel the high settling in as your eyes twitch a little—but it’s a comfortable high. You can tell it’s not too strong. 

“Hwang Hyunjin.” He sticks his hand out to you, and you smirk and shake it. 

“That name means nothing to me,” you admit. 

“Not yet.” 

And that’s how you end up breaking your three month streak of getting zero bitches—having the most mind blowing sex of your life in the back of Hwang Hyunjin’s bright red car in the middle of buttfuck nowhere. 

It’s not the first time, and it’s certainly not the last. You and Hyunjin, though you wouldn’t consider yourself friends—not really—are closer than most people would be comfortable with getting to their disposable orgasm machine. Which is a nice way of saying that you had a hopeless, dopey crush on your friend-with-benefits, and he seemed to be completely oblivious. 

Such obliviousness was worse than flat out rejection, in your mind. At least if he straight up told you to go fuck yourself, you wouldn’t feel bad about stalking his mom’s Facebook posts from 2013 to find pictures of a pimply, flat haired Hyunjin to save to your blackmail folder. Nor would you feel bad about downing endless cartons of ice cream while you put off showering for a week and a half. 

But this—this limbo that you two were seemingly stuck in? It’s agonizing. It’s fucking excruciating. You think you have a chance when he’s fucking you from behind, one hand clasped around your throat as he tells you “how fuckin’ beautiful” you look as you’re getting your cunt destroyed. But then you feel like a dirty whore when he gets up right after he finishes and starts checking his dating apps right in front of you. 

“Have some fucking self respect,” your friend said to you firmly, after you cried in her arms after one of these fuck-and-dumps happened. It was too much seeing him match with this gorgeous girl and slide into her DM’s with a really bad pick up line. If the jealousy because of this random girl’s beauty wasn’t enough, the corny shit he thought would get her in his bed did it for you. 

You throw back the covers, the sticky stale air hitting your naked skin. Hyunjin barely glances at you as you stand up and start pulling your clothes on roughly. He only notices when you’re tying your shoelaces and picking up your tote bag that you’re actually leaving. 

“Where are you going?” he asks lamely, blinking slowly at you. The stupid pothead had taken two long hits from the dirty orange bong sitting on his nightstand right after he came on your tits, and it was clearly getting to him. 

“Home,” you say, trying to keep your tone light. 

“Oh. Okay. See you later.” He turns his attention back to his phone, where you can see that the pretty girl has responded. You feel a tug in your chest as you gnaw on your bottom lip and turn on your heel to stomp out of his room. The aged wooden floors creaked and moaned beneath your harsh steps; you were sure that Felix, whose room was also in the basement, now lived in fear that the ceiling would collapse onto his head. 

“Bye, (Y/N),” one of his friends called as you rushed by. You feel your face warm with embarrassment; when did everyone get back? Hyunjin told you they were all out seeing some classically boring hetero male film in theaters, and would probably go bar hopping afterwards. Nope—all seven of his housemates were crowded into the cramped living room, watching a chick flick from 2004 where the attractive female main characters were at a nudist beach. You tried not to let your eyelid twitch at the incredible amount of male energy in the room. That, and the entire house just reeked of pot, more so than usual. 

You manage to mumble out a goodbye before slamming the front door behind you. You have to take a moment to breathe in the fresh air and recollect yourself, letting the pieces that Hyunjin metaphorically broke off of you find their way back home. You’re a strong person—you know that he can’t really hurt you, not really. Especially not when you agreed to something casual, nothing serious. Not now, not ever. 

It’s autumn, and campus is starting to look like it. You’re lucky enough to study somewhere with the most gorgeous scenery—it’s pretty year round, but when the leaves change colors in the fall, it’s impossible to look away. There’s a slight bite to the breeze that sweeps through you suddenly, blowing the few fallen crispy leaves across the sidewalk. They rasp and crinkle underneath your boots as you walk down the oddly steep stairs that leads to their front door, and you can feel your spirits lifting with each step you take away from his house. You barely even glance at the bright red car sitting in the driveway, amongst at least four others. 

You pull your sweater closer to your body as your teeth chatter. The wind had more of a slight bite now—there’s a full on chill that rattles you down to your bones. 

At least, you think, Jimin’s apartment isn’t too far from here. 

Jimin lives right off campus, a few streets down from Hyunjin and his roommates. Though you enjoy Jimin’s place a lot more, you can’t help but prefer the mornings when you wake up at Hyunjin’s, simply because the walk to class is so quick and easy—you can see the edge of campus from Seungmin’s bedroom window. 

As you walk up to her apartment and pound on the door with a tight fist, you can’t help but crack a smile at the corny wooden sign that’s hanging on it—it’s covered in chunky orange glitter and says “IT’S FALL, Y’ALL” in curly brown letters. You assumed that Aeri, one of Jimin’s roommates, bought it—mostly because you’d seen her post a picture of her autumnal shopping haul on her Instagram story. It was cute, in a specific kind of way. Only someone like Aeri could pull it off. 

Jimin opens the door quickly, and scans your slightly disheveled appearance. “You have to stop this,” she says immediately.

“Please. I could stop whenever I wanted to, but I simply don’t want to.” You nudge her aside and walk in, and she crosses her arms and scowls at you. She’s mad. Not because you waltzed in like you own the place—you were practically their fifth roommate—but because you kept letting yourself get hurt by this douchey guy, and she was left to pick up the pieces. As much as she loved you, your denial was driving her insane. 

“Don’t lie,” she snapped. 

You wince at her tone. “Rina…” you mumble, using a nickname. Her expression softens. She guides you to the couch, where her other roommate Minjeong is asleep on one end, only her feet sticking out from a plush green blanket. You know it’s her because you were there when she painted her toenails dark blue and spilled the rest of the bottle onto the beige carpet in Jimin’s room. It left a massive dark stain, but after shifting Jimin’s dresser a few inches over, you and Minjeong got away with it. Until they moved out at the end of the school year, at least. 

You sit down on the free side of the couch. The slight movement jostles Minjeong ever so slightly, and she snorts a little in her sleep before curling up in a ball underneath the blanket, pulling her feet back underneath. Now, the only sign of life was the gentle, slight rising and falling of her breathing. You couldn’t see her moving at all unless you looked very closely. 

Jimin re-enters the room, holding two steaming mugs in her delicate, pretty hands. She hands you one of the mugs before sitting down on the chair—the one next to the couch, that desperately needs to be thrown out—and sinks into it uncomfortably. Her knees are almost touching her chest because of how far down she slid. She watches you carefully until you take a sip, and you sigh contentedly—it’s mulled wine, with just a splash of cream. 

“What happened this time?” she asked, taking a sip of her own wine. You can hear the disappointment in her voice and it makes your insides squirm with guilt. 

“He was on Tinder again.”

“Oh?”

“Right after he came on my tits.”

“Oh.” 

Jimin sucks in a deep breath through her teeth, and you can tell it’s bad. Her gaze drops to your chest, though it’s covered by your sweater. 

“Stop,” you whine, placing your arms across your chest. Your wine almost sloshes over the ceramic rim of the pale blue mug. 

“I just feel bad,” she groans, putting her mug down on the coffee table and massaging her temples. “There’s nothing I can do, but you just feel like shit all the time.” 

“Not all the time!” you say, feeling defensive. 

Jimin stares you down. “Fine,” she sighs. “Not all the time. But anyways—you can’t keep doing this. I love you, and this is why I have to tell you: it’s getting pathetic.” 

“You think I don’t know that?” you snap. You slam your mug down. Dark red splashes over the edge and onto the slightly dusty surface of the table. Jimin’s gaze snaps to the mess, her eyes flashing. 

You burst into tears. 

“I know, I know it’s stupid. I know he’s stupid. I know I shouldn’t be crying about him, and I know that it’s getting on your nerves.” You sniffle loudly. “I think it’s time. I can’t keep doing this.” 

You feel a small but comforting hand on your shoulder. You look over, and find that Minjeong has awoken. Her eyes are slightly puffy, and her short black hair is mussed. But she retains her beauty, her cute features blurred only slightly by grogginess. “Good for you,” she says before yawning widely, “he’s an asshole.”

“He is an asshole,” Jimin says sorely. But she nudges you a little so she can sit on your other side. She puts a comforting arm around you. “We’re here for you.” 

You start to cry again. 

---

Your phone is ringing. 

Bright blue light fills the small dark room, and your eyes snap open immediately. You cover the screen with your hands, looking around wildly to make sure it didn’t wake up anyone else. It’s to no avail; the room is pitch black and you can’t see shit. But you can hear Minjeong’s little snuffly snores, Jimin shifting around in her silk pajamas, Aeri letting out a little groan, and Yizhou smacking her lips all in different corners of the room.

You yawn silently, stretching your arms above your head and picking up your phone in one hand, walking over and opening the door with the other. The short hallway is dark and the floors are creaky and cold on your bare feet. When you reach the main room, you finally lift up your phone, which hasn’t stopped vibrating this entire time. Your heart stops for a moment when you realize who’s calling you. 

Hwang Hyunjin. 

The name glows in bright white letters on your phone screen. His generic, blank contact photo—you refused to put a real picture of him there—glares at you. You gnaw on your thumb nail nervously but ultimately decide to pick up. 

“Hello?” Your voice is cold and thin in the thick black darkness of night. You walk over to the window, and push aside the curtain. The silky material washes over your fingers, cooling their clammy surface. 

“Hey. I’m outside.” Hyunjin’s voice is rich and thick in contrast. It’s sort of raspy, like he just woke up. Then it registers—he’s outside? 

“What do you mean?” Your mouth is dry.

“I’m outside your apartment. Can you come out?” 

“I’m not there right now.” Your heart is pounding in your chest. You can only imagine what your roommates would think of some guy waiting outside for you. Luckily, they were both out of town at the moment. You hoped no one else saw or recognized him, but who were you kidding—he wasn’t fooling anyone with that damn bright red car. 

“Oh.” There’s a brief silence. “Where are you, then?” 

“Um, I'm over at a friend’s place. Jimin’s. Yoo Jimin.” 

Why did you give him her full name? You didn’t know. 

“Oh, yeah. I think I know her. What’s the address? I can be there soon.” 

You bite down too hard on your nail and taste blood, from where you ripped it from the skin. “What? Why? Why are you—why are you looking for me right now?” 

Again, there’s a brief silence before he replies. “I’m… leaving for a little bit. I’m going camping, and I was wondering if you would come with me.” 

You stare blankly out at the clear night sky. “Are you serious right now?” you ask, chuckling in disbelief. 

“Yeah, of course I’m serious.” 

“You realize how sketchy this sounds, right?” 

“Don’t you trust me?” he drawls, sounding defensive. “If you don’t tell me where you are, I can’t come pick you up. And I will be forced to knock on every door in your building until someone can tell me this Jimin’s address.” 

“Do not do that,” you hiss, “I’ll give it to you, just… give me a second. I’ll text it to you.” 

“See you soon,” he managed to get in before you pressed the red END CALL button roughly. You quickly type in Jimin’s address, your clammy fingers sliding all over your slippery phone screen. You then sneak back into Jimin’s room, where you keep at least half of your wardrobe and a few spare self care items. For the amount of time you spent there, it would be weird if you didn’t keep some of your personal items there. Using your phone to light up the room, you stuff a few clothing items into a spare backpack and toss in a few other miscellaneous items. Camping, he’d said? He better have extra gear for you, or else he can count on dropping you off at your place. 

Your phone lights up again just as you close the door to Jimin’s bedroom. It’s just one word: Here. 

You quickly type out a text to Jimin, telling her the truth even though you knew you’d get your ass beat when you got back. It ends with you promising that this is the last time, that this is the closure you need. It’s half bullshit, half what you truly believe, and you just hope that she doesn’t see through it completely. You sigh, and exit the apartment. 

You’re still dressed in your pajamas, an old t-shirt and sweats. Your previous outfit from the day is somewhere at the bottom of your bag. The night air is crisp and cold, and you can see your breath in the air when you exhale. Your fingers are starting to slow due to the cold as they grip the handles of your backpack. 

As soon as you round the corner, you can see Hyunjin’s car. The engine is roaring, loud. Exhaust clouds around the car, pale white in the cold. He sees you as soon as you see him and rolls down his window, a wide grin on his stupidly handsome face. And his hair is red. Bright crimson, the color of something sweet and artificial. 

You can’t hide the shock on your face as you walk over, cupping a hand over your mouth. “Your hair!” you exclaim softly. You reach his window, and he lets you touch his silky scarlet locks. 

“What do you think?” he asks smugly. 

“It’s different. Looks nice,” you say honestly. You walk over to the other side of the car and toss your backpack in the back before settling into the passenger seat. The heated seats are nice on your chilled skin, and you hold your numb hands up to the warm heat that’s blowing from the vents. Hyunjin reaches over, his big hand gripping your cold thigh through your thick sweats. He squeezes the flesh there. 

“Missed you,” he admitted. He keeps his eyes on the road. 

“Did you now?” you ask, staring at the neon green number on the dashboard. It reads 4:47 AM, blinking in the darkness. 

“I did!” he insists, “that’s why I’m here now.” 

“What is this?” you blurt out. 

You watch the muscles in his jaw tense as he clenches. His skin looks green from the light of the glowing numbers. “It’s a camping trip,” he says thickly, nodding to the equipment stuffed in the backseat. At least that answers your question of whether or not he brought stuff for you. 

“You know that’s not what I mean.” You sound firm, sure of yourself. A lot surer than you actually are.

Hyunjin has stopped smiling completely. “Can we not talk about this now?” 

“Then when? I’ve waited months. I’ve tried to bring it up. And all you do is dodge it and change the subject. If you don’t answer me right now, I’m jumping out of this car.” You’re yelling, your voice filling the expanse of the vehicle. 

He slams on the brakes, then takes a deep breath and properly pulls over. He turns off the car, and the two of you are left in darkness. The only thing you can hear is your own blood pumping through your ears; the sharp nervousness and reality of what you just said sinking in. Finally, he lets out a short breath, an attempt at a laugh. “I don’t know. It’s what we said it was when we met. Isn’t it?” His voice is low, and you’re unable to decipher any feeling in it. 

“Well, yeah…” you trail off. Your voice sounds small and pathetic. Your request only sounds more pathetic. 

“Then that’s what it still is,” he says carefully, “nothing serious.” 

“Of course,” you say quickly. There’s so much more you wanted to say—you wanted to slap him in the face for even daring to say that, for shutting you down and playing stupid. Is it a little over dramatic? Maybe, but you can feel your anger bubbling in your stomach, salty tears burning the rims of your eyes. For once, you’re thankful for the cover of night. 

That’s when the sun starts to rise. When Hyunjin starts the car again after you both refuse to break the silence, the sound of the engine starting up does the job for you. It roars to life, tiny neon lights flashing in your face as he pulls back onto the road and continues the drive. You know he knows—he isn’t an idiot. If he didn’t know before, he knows now that you’re hoping for something more from him. He knows that you want him in a different way now, that obviously other things in your relationship have changed which led to your feelings changing. 

Warmth finally breaches the seemingly eternal darkness of night. Black turns to dark blue, which turns greenish at the horizon with the arrival of the sun, which exudes warm rays of orange and yellow and pink, expanding as the sun reclaims its spot in the sky. You watch silently as your surroundings start to appear before your eyes; other cars on the road in all different muted colors, a stark contrast to the colorful wildflowers that are growing by the side of the road. uncontained and free. Fluorescent signs are staked into the ground every so often, telling you that there’s construction ahead or that you need to slow down. You peer out the window at the car next to you; a couple sits in the front, laughing together at some presumed inside joke. You’re jealous, watching their mouths move in unison. Are they singing the same song? Their song? 

At the next stoplight, Hyunjin quickly picks up his phone, scrolling through it while trying to keep an eye on the lights. 

“I’ll tell you when it changes, just hurry up,” you say, nervous as you watch him do exactly what you shouldn’t do when you’re behind the wheel. 

He shoots you a withering look but finds what he’s looking for. The catchy constant of his playlist cuts suddenly, and you hear a song you love playing over the speakers. He turns it up just a little so that the lyrics are clearer, and he tries to watch your reaction—subtly, or so he thinks. You can’t help the warmth that blooms across your face, the surprise at his tenderness. He remembers, you think, that I showed him this song all those months ago. 

The gentle voice of the singer warbles in your ears as you sigh happily, leaning back into your seat and drifting off into a calm sleep, visions of plentiful wildflowers and red haired princes filling your dreams. 

---

It’s not like you’re asleep the whole time—you wake up when he stops at a gas station, about halfway there. You come to when the car slows to a stop; you open your eyes to see Hyunjin getting out of the car and squinting at the gas prices in disbelief. He had noticed you stirring and grins at you, somewhat sheepishly. 

“If you need to use the bathroom or something, now’s the time.” He pulls out his phone, looking at a colorful map, and points out the long, winding road ahead. “We won’t hit another stop until we get there.” 

You stifle a yawn and rub your eyes, nodding. It’s warmer here—you’re further south, and the sun is high in the sky. You guess that it’s a bit after noon, and when you check your phone that only confirms it. 

The lights inside the gas station are just as harsh and white as they are at midnight. One of the long, exposed bulbs flickers at the far end, near the ice cream that’s probably expired. You’ve never really disliked gas stations—really, you just never thought about it—but now, as you stare at the hostile face of the cashier, their beady eyes watching your every move, as if they suspected you already, you want to get out of there as soon as possible. 

The bathroom is somehow worse. There’s a singular shred of toilet paper left on the barren brown roll, and there’s no replacement in sight. There’s stains everywhere, both fresh and old, which makes you wonder about the last time it was properly cleaned. You leave as quickly as possible, scrubbing your hands roughly with the nameless neon pink hand soap and trying to kick the door open with your foot—the handle is crusty, and you don’t want to touch it. 

The cashier is still watching you when you walk out, and they continue to eye you as you try to ignore the stare and pick up a bag of pretzels. You pay, avoiding eye contact, and speed walk out of the doors. 

It’s actually hot outside now, even though it’s well into autumn. You’re grateful that you kept your t-shirt on and denied when Hyunjin offered you one of his hoodies. Your forehead already feels damp, and you dab at it with a hand as you walk back towards the red car. 

Hyunjin stands beside it, watching his tank fill up and bopping his head to music. He’s put his own playlist back on now, much to your disappointment, but you weren’t about to let him know that. He notices you as soon as you walk up beside the car and get back into the passenger seat, leaning back and opening your bag of pretzels. 

“You really trust any of the food from that gas station?” he asks. His voice is muffled, so you roll down the window and shrug in response. He leans over, and opens his mouth, wordlessly asking for one. 

“Hypocrite,” you mumble, but you shove one in his mouth anyways. He catches it with his perfect pearly teeth, and gives you a toothy smile, showing it off. 

“Thanks,” he says around the dry mouthful. The crumbs that sprayed from his mouth as he spoke probably should have turned you off, but you only found it endearing—another piece of evidence that suggested you were hopelessly pining for this man. 

Finally, he himself gets back in the car and you’re back on the road. Some might call you cynical, but you think you can only appreciate the scenery for so long, and it doesn't take you long to fall asleep again. The constant movement of the vehicle puts you to sleep easily, and the several late nights you’d been pulling because of looming midterms only added to it. It’s only when you feel yourself lurch to the side heavily that your eyes snap open, but you feel safe and secure. A strong arm pins you to your seat, and when you look down at it you realize that you’ve also been covered with a hoodie, draped over your front like a blanket. It’s dark green, and it smells strongly of Hyunjin’s cologne. “Sorry,” he says, and you turn to look at him, confused, as he takes his arm off of you. “Some idiot cut in front of me and I swerved a little. We’re almost there though, so it’s good that you’re awake now.” 

“Thanks,” you say shortly, your mind still fuzzy from sleep and the two kind gestures. 

You watch as the winding road ahead slowly turns to a dirt path, pebbles getting caught in the tires as Hyunjin grimaces and tries to steady his precious car. He pulls off of the path when you reach a small clearing, only a few trees and dry bushes to cover you. You stiffen, looking around for some sort of bathroom—really, any building—but to no avail. “Where are we?” you ask nervously, “this feels like the plot of a horror movie.” 

“I come here a lot with my friends, it’s a really nice campsite,” he says, almost defensively. “And I wouldn’t murder you. If I wanted to, I would have a long time ago.” 

“Yeah, because that’s reassuring,” you mutter, to which he casts a withering look at you in response. “Just saying…” you say under your breath, though you’re fairly sure he hears you regardless. 

He parks the car, but not before giving you another sour look as he gets out and starts unloading the camping supplies from the back of his car. You help, but soon wander off in search of something more interesting. You leave him to struggle alone with the new tent he’d bought—apparently, it didn’t come with directions, and he didn’t take it nicely when you suggested that he’d probably just misplaced them. You can still hear him cursing as he struggles with the poles as you walk over a small hill and peer at all of the desert flora and fauna. Upon first glance, the landscape is literally a barren desert—there’s nothing but sand and a few scrappy plants amongst the rocky, pebbly terrain. But as you crouch down to stare at a singular crispy looking bush, you see some light green buds on the branches, and the beginnings of perhaps some blossoms. Small insects crawl over the new life, seemingly anticipating its arrival. Momentarily, you think of the possibility of larger, more dangerous wildlife, but you brush that thought away as you admire a massive brown cricket leap out of your way. 

“Thanks for all the help,” a sarcastic voice calls from behind you. You stand up, emerging from the squatting position you’d been in, and chuckle at Hyunjin as he approaches you, bare feet sinking into the warm sand. 

“It seemed like you had it under control,” is your cool reply while you shift around awkwardly, trying to ignore the heaps of sand pouring into your sneakers. His gaze drops to your covered feet, and now it’s his turn to chuckle. 

“It’s a lot easier if you just take off your shoes,” he says matter-of-factly, and you bite your tongue to avoid mocking his tone, trying to bend down to reach your shoelaces without falling onto your face. 

Wordlessly, he walks over and kneels in the sand to do it for you, making you feel guilty for being bitchy again. He slips them off your feet, and you peel off your socks as well, feeling immediate relief as your skin touches the sand. Hyunjin dumps out your shoes, the sheer amount of sand in them making you both giggle. “Isn’t that better?” he asks triumphantly, waiting for praise, and you shrug, trying to hide your smile from him. He notices this and walks over, grabbing your waist and kissing you until you break into a grin and you’re laughing aloud, pulling away so you don’t literally laugh into his mouth. “You’re so cute,” he sighs, pulling you into his side and ruffling your hair. You appreciate this much less—it makes you feel like a child. So you squirm out of his grasp and take a few steps away, in the direction of his car. 

“Did you finish setting everything up?” you ask, clearing your throat before to at least attempt to provide a conversational transition between his compliments and your question. 

He seems a little offended that you pulled away so fast, but his facial expression remains unchanged; he isn’t going to let you know that it bothered him. Is it even within his rights to get annoyed at that? That’s more boyfriend status, he thinks, and then he opens his mouth to reply. “Only the tent, everything else is still just in a pile right next to it.” 

“I’ll help now,” you say with false brightness, speeding off in that direction. You clutch your shoes and socks in one hand, the other clenched into a fist. You can hear his footsteps a short distance behind you, but you don’t stop to wait for him. You don’t stop until you’ve reached the campsite again and you see exactly what he was talking about, with all of the bags haphazardly piled right beside it. “You didn’t lie,” you say, scanning the equipment. 

“Why would I?” he counters, but playfully. 

Slowly, the two of you unpack the necessary things, rolling out your sleeping bags, organizing toiletries and taking out hiking equipment—to which you firmly denied going on a hike in the damn desert. Hyunjin pouted, but brushed it off by saying that he liked hiking alone best anyways, and that you could have fun at the boiling hot campsite by yourself while he explored trails deeper into the site. Keeping up your act, you tell him to have fun, and leave it at that. Surprisingly, you don’t notice the way his face falls slightly as he realizes that you really don’t mind not spending time with him. 

The late afternoon sun is blazing, unbearably hot. You retreat to the tent, which provides little to no comfort—there were no trees around to set it up in the shade, and Hyunjin insisted that you weren’t supposed to pitch a tent underneath trees anyways. Especially here, he said seriously as he smoothed out his sleeping bag, the branches are all so dry that they could fall on our heads any time. You fought the urge to say that you’d prefer a crispy branch falling on the tent over sweating your skin off in the direct sunlight. 

A bead of sweat rolls down the back of your neck. You can feel the hairs that gather at the nape of your neck and how they’re plastered to your skin from the damp heat. You pat the area gingerly with your hand, feeling it come away wet. Your phone is charging, but you’re trying to stay off it to preserve the battery life on your portable charger. Instead of scrolling endlessly through random apps and social media, you’re grumpily sitting on top of your sleeping bag with your legs criss-crossed, slowly chewing a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Luckily, Hyunjin had brought a lot of food—more than enough to sustain you for the duration of the trip. It shouldn’t be that long anyways; you both have to be back on campus by the time the weekend is over. 

“The sun’s setting now, so it should be cooling down soon. Might want to get that hoodie back out,” Hyunjin says, entering the tent. He nods towards the hoodie that he’d draped over you in the car earlier, and you chuckle. 

“I’ll put it on if I need it. It’s way too hot to be wearing pretty much anything right now,” you say, trying to fan your moist face with your hand, both of which are sticky with jelly. 

Hyunjin touches the back of his neck too, pushing up the small low ponytail that he’d gathered his bright red hair into. You can see that the dye is so fresh that it’s bleeding into his sweat, leaving scarlet rivulets across his skin that look like scars. “Sorry I didn’t warn you about the temperatures out here. It’s kind of crazy sometimes,” he says softly. 

You shrug, finishing your sandwich and flopping onto your back, which you regret a little; the slick thermal cover of the sleeping bag sticks to your skin immediately upon contact, and the entire surface is warm. Hyunjin mirrors your actions, falling back on his own matching sleeping bag. “That was some hard work we did,” he says, with an approving tone. “For someone who’s never gone camping before, you didn’t do too bad with the tent and everything.”

“Thanks,” you say, somewhat dryly, but only because you don’t know what else to say. A slightly uncomfortable silence ensues, before Hyunjin clears his throat again to speak again. 

“Are you okay?” he asks. 

You turn your head to look at him, the movement creating a swishing noise against the sleeping bag. “What do you mean?”

“I don’t know, you’ve just been acting kind of weird recently. Especially today,” he admits, doing the same and turning to face you. He props his head up with his hand, his elbow sinking deep into the plush sleeping bag from the weight. 

It’s hard to swallow the last bite of your sandwich, because of both the thick peanut butter and your suddenly dry throat. “Well…” you trail off. For a moment you think you want to be honest with him, because truthfully, he’s a good guy—sure, he has his moments, but he never really intends to hurt you with his actions. He isn’t obligated to coddle you. 

“You can tell me anything, you know that… right?” he asks. “Like—I’m here for you, even if we’re not…” 

This time, he’s the one to trail off, but he doesn’t avert his gaze. You feel it on you as you stare down at your hands, fiddling with your fingers nervously. “That’s the issue,” you blurt out, “we’re… not.” 

“Not?”

“You know what I mean.” You’re embarrassed, so you turn away from Hyunjin so you don’t have to look at him or cringe at the shocked expression spread across his handsome features. 

“You—you want to be…” 

“I mean… yeah. Not at first, but now… I guess I feel differently.” Your voice grows softer. 

“Since when?” 

“Sort of recently. Maybe a month ago.” 

He says your name with such gentleness, such care, that you feel your eyes starting to water. “If I knew… I wouldn’t have been so…” 

“Such an asshole?” you ask scornfully. You can’t help it. This was why you didn’t want to ever have this conversation with him. You knew that there was resentment, even though he didn’t really do anything wrong. You knew that by bringing this up, you’d be breaking down your own walls that you put around the feelings you had for him, locked away deep deep down. 

He exhales loudly, clearly not pleased. “Well, I don’t know if I’d say that.” 

You don’t reply, because you know that if you do your voice will break, and then he’d say something about you crying. Something nice, probably—he’d want to comfort you, which makes everything worse. You wished that instead, he’d laugh in your face or say something douchey, just to give you a reason to hate him and get over it already. Quickly, you wipe away a tear that’s threatening to spill from your eye, and you get up and leave the tent. 

You have nothing with you: no shoes, no hoodie, no water or food. The remnants of the peanut butter taste in your mouth turns sour and dry as you take deep gulps of air, sprinting away from the tent. You run further than you did when you were exploring, faster than you’ve moved in years. You stumble a few times, your cheeks flushing with embarrassment every time the sand trips you up, but eventually you think you get far enough away from Hyunjin that he can’t see you any more. You come to a stop when you reach the only somewhat memorable landmark you’ve passed on your run—a medium sized rock that has been flattened at the top to create a seat out of the natural material. Panting, you sit down on it, the hot surface crackling across your skin. It’s not hot enough to burn you, but it’s hot enough to be slightly uncomfortable. Yet, you stay there, hands gripping your itchy thighs, which burn from the rock and from the exercise, as you try not to choke on your own breathing. 

Wiping the sweat from your eyes, you feel a sudden chill in the air that makes goosebumps rise on your arms. You look around to see the sun starting to sink below the horizon; you have the perfect view across the long, flat landscape. The campsite seemed to be in a sort of valley; a lower part of the ground that did not allow you to see across the land. 

It would be dark soon, and you were in the middle of nowhere with nothing. 

“Why couldn’t we have had this talk when it was still warm out?” you muttered aloud, angrily. You wrap your arms around yourself, starting to shiver as the warmth disappears along with the sun. There’s a cool bluish cast on everything now; the sand looks gray and the rock looks black, in contrast to the constant reddish warmth that the desert had embraced during the day. You again wonder if there’s any dangerous wildlife here, and curse yourself for pulling such a stupid move. You curse at yourself for a lot of things—the main one being that you actually came here with him and expected everything to be fine. 

Perhaps that isn’t true though: but isn’t that worse? 

Deep down, even though you’d never admit it, you came on this trip because a small part of you still yearns for his love. You don’t like to change the way you act for a guy; that’s lame and pathetic. But that small part that disagrees seems to have more power over you than you previously thought. You came here because you thought that there was a chance, no matter how small, to get him to love you. Maybe, he would realize just how beautiful you were in the orange light of a sunset. Maybe, doing things that he enjoyed would make him relate to you. Maybe, you would be able to impress him with some secret hidden skill that even you didn’t know about until you showed it off for him. 

You have no tears left, only anger at yourself for being such an idiot, as you pull your legs closer to your body and stare into the darkness of the night. 

You couldn’t have been there long, but you can’t be sure when Hyunjin finds you. By that time, you’d run through a million possible things to say to him when you saw him again, but you end up saying none of them. He too is silent, and the only thing he does when he sees you is hand you the same green hoodie, which you take without hesitation. You’re too cold to give a damn about your dignity any more. 

The walk back is silent. Your toes are freezing, because the sand is completely cold now that the sun isn’t there to warm it. You shuffle behind Hyunjin, who takes wide, reaching strides with his long legs that easily eat up the desert terrain beneath him. He looks beautiful in the moonlight, as he always did, and you think of the first night you met him at that party, when the very same thing captivated your attention and refused to let go. The only difference now is the red—his hair, still burning and bright in the darkness, rather than the silvery blonde that made you do a double take. It’s no less mesmerizing though, to see it bob and sway as he walks, leading you silently back to safety. 

“This is why,” he says, his voice shaking. The raspiness breaks the quiet, disrupts the still air.

“Why…?” 

He stops suddenly, and you almost crash into his back. He turns to face you, his brow furrowed, his lips pressed into a tight, small line. He says your name again, tenderly as always. “This is why we’re stuck like this.” 

The campsite is in view, and your gaze drifts from his pained face to the lonely, singular tent that’s sitting in the sand. “Because I’m a fucked up person?” you ask bitterly, knowing damn well that isn’t what he meant. 

He just shakes his head. “That’s not what I said.” 

“But it’s what you mean, isn’t it?” 

“(Y/N)...” 

Dawn breaks, warmth spilling back over the hills and valleys, turning the sand a bright orange. You watch as the light washes over Hyunjin’s tall frame, a mile long shadow being cast by his lanky body. Neither of you says another word, and then he just shakes his head again, scoffing so quietly you can barely hear it, and turns to walk back to the tent. He doesn’t look back, and then ducks inside. The rustling sounds stop, and you’re left standing there alone, clad in the dark green hoodie, when your tears finally overflow. 

---

Men. 

You want to blame Hyunjin. You always want to blame him, because honestly, it is partially his fault, just as much as it is yours. Once, Jimin had muttered something about men always being disappointing, especially men around Hyunjin’s age. His personality and looks didn’t help either; he knew that he was attractive and desired, and he took advantage of it. That’s the worst part about pretty men, you thought, their own fucking self-awareness. 

Or maybe that’s not the right term, because there’s a lot of shit about him that he was just blind to. He never understood why you got mad when he said something insensitive, thinking that he was just being honest and communicating. His naturally flirty personality attracted a lot of people, who he messed with for fun instead of taking it seriously. Here, you were torn: you genuinely could not tell if you were just another body to him, or if he actually cared about you and thought you different from all the other losers that he’d mess around with. 

You feel nothing but guilt when Jimin pulls up to the campsite, an unreadable expression on her pretty face. She stares you down as you pick up your bag and trudge over to her car, your furrowed brow and frown a clear indication of your emotions, the complete opposite of her. She doesn’t help you into the car, instead staring straight ahead and gripping the steering wheel so tight her knuckles are pale and bloodless. 

You’re about to shut the door when Hyunjin peeks out of the tent and notices that you’re leaving. He gnaws on his plush bottom lip for a moment, as if he is pondering whether or not to do what he thinks he should, and then he stumbles out of the unzipped flap and walks over to you. His nose is scrunched up, his eyes narrowed a little from the effort. “Are you leaving right now?” he asks, somewhat stupidly. 

“Obviously,” Jimin spits, venom lacing her words. 

Hyunjin looks surprised at her hostility, and his gaze flickers between you and her for a moment as you avoid eye contact with both of them. 

“Can I say something to you before you go?” he asks. His voice sounds unnaturally rough, like he’s struggling to speak. 

Jimin looks at you, and you realize that she’s letting you decide for yourself. 

You stare up at Hyunjin, at his gorgeous face that looks almost hopeful as you stare into his deep brown eyes. 

“No.”

“N-No?” he repeats, stumbling over the first syllable, pathetically—a first for him, straying from his usual graceful, cool tone. 

“You heard her,” Jimin snaps, and she reaches over you, snatching the door handle and slamming it shut in his face. He looks appalled, shocked, as you drive away. The wheels on her car spin in the dirt before they finally get a grip, and she pulls away from the campsite, away from the lone brightly colored tent in the beige landscape, away from Hyunjin and all of his unspoken emotions. 

“I’m sorry, Rina,” you say immediately, looking down at your hands shamefully. “I should have known better.” 

“What happened?” she asked, “What did he do to you?” 

“He didn’t do anything. Honestly, that’s kind of the problem,” you say, scoffing at the end at your own foolishness. 

Jimin presses her lips together until there’s nothing left but a thin pink line, showing her exasperation with you. “Well, let’s hope he doesn’t ever get to do anything to you,” she says, stepping on the gas as her car finally touches the smooth paved road again, escaping the rugged, bumpy terrain of the dirt pathway you’d been traveling on thus far. 

“One can only hope,” you mumble, just a little sarcastically. 

Jimin cracks a smile, and you feel your guilt melt away as she covers your hand with her own, a small gesture of comfort. You sigh aloud, and wonder why you bothered to get yourself into such an emotional situation in the first place. You were done being a doormat, done being the other woman, and done with Hyunjin. 

---

Fuzzy socks, a mug of rose (chilled, but you felt as if you looked fancier and more seasonally appropriate drinking it out of your cute hand painted mug), and a Halloween movie marathon on your laptop. That was the medication that Dr. Jimin had prescribed when she dropped you back off at your place. She didn’t say anything about the long drive there and back and how you really just wasted away half of her weekend, and she gave your cold hand a last comforting squeeze before she left. You didn’t realize how much you didn’t want to be alone until her car disappeared around the corner, and you realized just how quiet your apartment was. All of your housemates had gone out for the weekend, with one of them away visiting family and the other at their partner’s, and the silence seems to sting your skin as you walk around mindlessly for a few minutes. 

You toss your backpack onto the floor of your bedroom, not even wanting to think about unpacking it even though there’s hardly anything in there. You peel off your clothes, watching stray grains of reddish orange sand spill onto the hardwood below. A trail of clothing items leads from your bedroom and to the bathroom, where you sit down on the floor of your shower and let the hot water run over your skin until steam rises off of it and it’s fevered to the touch. Only then do you bother to wash yourself, scrubbing away the last day with Hyunjin, peeling away his touch little by little. 

You don’t feel raw when you step out of the shower, like you probably should. Your skin is irritated from the temperature and the friction, and you wrap yourself in a clean towel and trudge to your room, ignoring the puddles joining the trail of clothes on the floor. 

You follow Dr. Jimin’s prescription, getting reluctantly dressed in clean and comfortable clothing and turning on a movie marathon. You pour yourself a full mug of wine, the pink alcohol slopping over the rim of the ceramic container. Though you wince at the mistake, you don’t bother to clean it up. You make a mental note to clean before the weekend is over, so that your housemates don’t return to a dumpster fire in the apartment. 

You lay down on the couch, your warm laptop acting as a heat source on your stomach. You’re facing the one big window in the entire apartment, and the curtains are parted, allowing you to see outside. It’s raining heavily, with fat droplets slapping against the glass almost angrily, mirroring the emotions you’d been feeling lately. Everything is gray, the once bright autumnal foliage now dampened and soggy as the season begins to transition into the next. This is the worst part of autumn in your opinion: the decay that comes after the bright happiness. It’s so fleeting, but so beautiful that you can’t help but stick around even though you know nothing but desolation awaits you once the flame dies. You laugh to yourself at your dramatic nature, comparing the changing seasons to your relationship with Hyunjin. It’s almost cathartic to be so wholly passionate and silly about it all, to let yourself feel all of your emotions at once and not worry about what people will think. The movie playing on your laptop drones out the steady pattering of raindrops against the window as you chug your wine, beginning to feel fuzzy as you drink more and more. 

You’re not drunk enough to hallucinate—you know that for damn sure. Does alcohol even do that? You’re not sure but you think you’ve been blackout drunk enough to get there, if it was a real thing. Then you realize that it’s real—he’s real. Through the blurred window, you can see a bright red car parking in front of your building, and an individual with the same lanky frame as Hyunjin stepping out of it. His hood is pulled up over his head to keep out the cold rain, so you can’t be completely sure, but you’re pretty positive that no one else you know drives a car like that. So really, who else could it be?

You have to pretend like you weren’t secretly hoping this would happen as you walk over to the door, expecting him to knock at any moment. Sure enough, a sharp knocking reaches your ears, and you unlock and open the door immediately, staring directly into Hyunjin’s eyes. You glance upwards ever so slightly and see the dark black bangs hanging in his face—his hair has been cut and dyed. 

“What?” you ask dryly, the implications finally getting through your muddled mind. Simultaneously, you try to ignore the new changes to his hair. You wonder what Jimin would do if she knew he came to your door. Probably beat his ass, which at the moment you thought was quite deserved. 

“I do like you,” he says hastily, the statement escaping his lips plosively and suddenly. You watch a raindrop slide down the tall bridge of his nose and fall. His damp, short bangs peek out from beneath the hood of his gray sweatshirt. The entire garment is spotted with rain. 

“Okay…” you say, feeling your heart catch in your throat. You try to sound nonchalant, ignoring the pounding in your chest and the way your head starts spinning. 

He ignores your response, continuing in a desperate voice. “I do like you,” he says hastily, “but I don’t think I can be in a relationship right now.” 

“You came all this way in the rain to tell me that you don’t want to date me?” you ask, raising your eyebrows at him. 

“No!” he protests, and you step aside to gesture to him, letting him inside. He shivers in his damp clothes, and you roll your eyes as you toss him a throw blanket that was laying around. It definitely isn’t yours, and you add “laundry” to your checklist of chores to complete before your housemates come back. He wraps himself up in it, fuzzy pink fluff surrounding his face, which is wetly streaked with raindrops. “That’s not what I was saying.” 

“So you do want to date me?” you ask bluntly, picking up your mug and taking another massive gulp. He eyes the nearly empty bottle of wine sitting on your coffee table. 

“Are you drunk right now?” he asks. “Where did you get this from?” 

You wave him away. “Someone left it here after a house party a little bit ago, we needed to use it up so here I am being resourceful and eco-friendly.”

“That’s not what that means,” he says, cracking a small, crooked smile. 

“Whatever!” you say, rolling your eyes yet again. “What did you have to say to me?” 

“You’re honest when you’re drunk. And sassy,” he comments. 

“That’s what you have to say?” 

“Give me a minute!” He huffs, sitting down uninvited on the edge of the couch. “Listen, I do really like you, but I’m really busy and it wouldn’t be fair to you if we were in a weird half-relationship just because I don’t have time.” 

“And is that all that different from what we do now?” you ask crossly. “Only you have zero commitment right now, and you’d maybe have like… fifty percent commitment if we did that.” 

“You’re drunk,” he states, as if it weren’t obvious as well as previously established, multiple times.  

“And you’re an asshole.” 

He stops, the playfulness completely gone from the banter. 

“That’s a bullshit excuse and you know it,” you say slowly, “I’m not mad any more, I’m just saying. And what I’m saying is that that’s the exact bullshit guys say to you when they don’t actually want to date you, but want to fuck you.” 

Hyunjin blinks slowly at you, in disbelief. “You really think I’d do that to you?” 

“Why not me? I’ve seen you do it to so many people—even when I’m out with you. You think that messing around with all these people has no effect, that everyone can just brush it off like you do. But not everyone’s an asshole like you are.” 

“Stop calling me that.” His voice sounds small, wounded even. 

“Stop being one, then.” Your voice is cold, but pain creeps through the cracks and shows your true emotions. You’re tipsy and you’re crying in front of him, and you’ve never felt more pathetic. 

“I’m sorry, I really am,” he says softly. “I should have been honest with you from the start.” 

“You had a lot of chances to do that,” you reply. 

“So did you,” he reminds you—not out of malice, but out of honesty. 

“Yeah. I wasn’t perfect either,” you admit, though your ego takes a bruising from that single statement. 

“People aren’t meant to be perfect…” Hyunjin says, trailing off at the end, like there was something else he wanted to say. You wait for it, studying him as he picks at the fuzzy corner of the blanket. “So can’t we forgive each other and try?” 

“Try what?” 

“Try… us. Try being together, even if it doesn’t work out in the end.” 

You know what you want to say as soon as you hear him say that, but you also know the ending already. As much as you didn’t want to admit it, you and Hyunjin weren’t exactly compatible. There were so many arguments, even though you were never officially together, and you had little to nothing in common. Though those weren’t dealbreakers on their own, when put together, and along with all the other little things you picked up on as you got to know him, you knew the real answer, the right answer. You reach out to caress his face. His skin is warm now, and his hood slips off of his head to reveal the full haircut. It’s short, as you presumed, only the top layers left somewhat long. His bangs tickle your fingers as your hand drops. 

The rain only pelts against your window harder as you take his cold hand in yours, intertwining your fingers for the last time, and press your lips to his knuckles. Hopefully, he looks at you, awaiting your answer. 

You smile sadly; the moment is bittersweet. Goodbye moonlight, goodbye to our song, goodbye to your stupidly loud car and your soft hair, you think, goodbye.

“No,” you say simply. “We can’t.” 

DIVIDER CREDIT | @cafekitsune

© petrichor-han 2023, all rights reserved. do not translate or repost without my permission.

NO, BRO, HOW AM I SEEING THIS JUST NOW?!

A fucking masterpiece. I have no words, literally. Been following this series from the beginning, it's been a ride. Just the way you write, all the fancy words you use to push us into the narrative. I love the little details and mentions of expensive brands and stuff that you use to highlight Hyunjin's wealth and the setting in general. Every sentence is so well-worded, literally reminds me of Gustave Flaubert. And the fact that you understand the human psyche well enough to make this so real is unbelievable. The growth of their feelings, the hesitation and the mood swings that we all experience.

And the ending, bro, the ending. You set up pretty high expectations for the ending with all that build-up and you did not disappoint. I am a fan of the sad endings usually but with this fic, I would have been heartbroken if the characters didn't end up together and happy like they deserve.

And how tf is your vocabulary so good?! Like English is not my first language but I speak it pretty well and yet every time I open your account, you surprise me with another dozen words I have yet to learn. You are the reason for all of my advanced English vocab and I couldn't be more grateful. I'm usually not the most self-assured but it gives me confidence in my speaking to know all these words, fucking thank you.

Yeah sorry for the long rant, love ya

Anti-Romantic | CHAPTER THREE | 18+

«GENERAL M.LIST» · «NAVIGATION» · «TALK TO ME» · «TAGLIST»

DRUNK IN LOVE

“I haven’t been the same since we met.”

«PREVIOUS CHAPTER» · «SERIES MASTERLIST»

Pairing: Hyunjin x Fem!Reader Genre: Non idol au, fluff, smut, romcom, drama, opposites attract Chapter Warnings: explicit sexual content, switch!Hyunjin, switch!reader, mentions of emotionally abusive ex, mutual fantasizing, sexual fantasy sequence (dom!reader, sub!Hyunjin), cumeating/cumplay, masturbation (f), heavy insecurity and self deprecation, oral (f receiving), rough sex, degradation, titfucking, pussy slapping, edging/orgasm denial, creampie, unprotected sex, misuse of alcohol (reader is a very sad drunk), both of them are actual idiots that will make you want to to scream ⚠️not beta-read yet, but will be updated with the edits soon⚠️ Word Count: 20.5k

P.S. ♡ If you like my work, please consider giving me feedback in the form of reblogs, comments, and asks! ♡

The first thing Hyunjin understands when he comes to is how disgusting his mouth tastes. The faint, bitter taste of alcohol lingering on his tongue brings the memory of the night prior’s bad decisions; he’s never gone a single day in his life without brushing his teeth at night, in addition to the rest of his extensive pre-bedtime routine. The lack of moisture that pulls at his skin like a scratchy draft has him reaching for his nightstand, from where he’s burrowed in blankets like a corn dog. For a few embarrassing minutes, Hyunjin puts up a valiant effort trying to locate his special night repair face lotion solely with his flailing palm, before he’s rudely interrupted.

“Wake the fuck up, Sleeping Beauty.” 

The strangely familiar, feminine yet husky voice brings him hurtling back into reality. Cautiously, Hyunjin retracts his arm and opens his eyes; the blinding light that meets them does not help his splitting headache that rivals the shaking faultlines of San Andreas. 

When he finally adjusts to the brightness, he realizes that he’s in a room that’s definitely not his. The vast SolarSmart windows that would have already dimmed to match his sleepy blinking have been replaced by an antique bay window. Instead of the aristocratic fragrance of his favorite Le Labo candle, the air is thick with the smell of maple syrup. And his beloved Egyptian cotton sheets are gone in favor of a sherpa set that has him sweating in the year-round heat, which isn’t helped by the fact that this place isn’t humidity controlled.

“I’ve always thought of myself as more of a Rapunzel,” Hyunjin groans, stretching and tilting his head up to meet Lisa’s eyes. “You know, great hair and all.”

“Ha ha.” Lisa rolls her eyes, trying to maintain her expression of annoyance, but Hyunjin catches the hint of a smile on her lips; it’s inevitable, trying to fight the effect of his charms, especially when he’s just woken up all adorable and rumpled by sleep. “It’s almost noon, I thought I’d wake you up.”

“Noon?!” Hyunjin flies into a sitting position, frozen in an unfamiliar panic and unable to think of what to do next. By this time in his usual daily routine, he would have been enjoying a light lunch in his office while journaling in his gratitude notebook. Fuck, his stomach calls out for a nice balsamic arugula salad, maybe with a freshly-squeezed orange juice on the side to help with the regrettable effects of alcohol.

Lisa coughs lightly, bending down to pick up a discarded collection of clothing strewn on the floor, before handing it over to Hyunjin. The nausea rises up in Hyunjin’s stomach as he sifts through the clothes that he recognizes as his own. And then, as if in sudden remembrance, he looks down at himself and realizes that he’s completely naked except for his Gucci boxers. Horrified, he looks over at Lisa, but before he can say anything, she cuts him off.

“No. We didn’t have sex.” Lisa avoids Hyunjin’s eyes, picking at one of her burgundy-painted nails. She seems strangely skittish, in stark comparison to her confident, nearly feline-like mannerisms last night.

“Then what happened last night?” Hyunjin slips on his shirt and slides out of bed to pull his pants on, resolving to get dressed already right there; at this point, there is no more mortifying himself.

Lisa shrugs, an embarrassed blush overtaking her features. “We did some shots at the bar, before I suggested you come over for better drinks, so we could, well, you know. Hook-up. But you really did drink more. A lot more. And just as you took off your clothes, you blacked-out.”

“Blacked-out?” Hyunjin’s whole body feels racked with disbelief. And yet, the memories come fading back in: the botched matchmaking event, him retreating to drink away his sorrows, the handsy taxi ride back to Lisa’s place. “I barely even get tipsy.”

“It seemed like there was a lot on your mind last night. I don’t know what to say to you right now.” Lisa scratches her wrist lightly, as if trying to occupy herself while waiting for Hyunjin to get the hell out of her home. But the movement draws Hyunjin’s attention to her hand, where a fat, glimmering diamond rests on her ring finger, one that wasn’t there the previous night.

Realization flows in, ghastly and unwarranted. He clears his throat, tossing his jacket over his shoulders. “And you’re fucking married.”

Lisa freezes, the blood completely draining out of her face as her lips go paper thin. “I can explain.”

Hyunjin tilts his head with fresh resolve, taking his phone and wallet from where they’re fortunately perched on top of the nightstand. “Nope. I’m getting out of here. Looks like you’ve got some personal things going—” 

“Hyunjin, I’m not married. Please, just—” Lisa quickly crosses in front of him, blocking the doorway, looking at him with pleading eyes. “I’m engaged.”

“Big difference that makes,” Hyunjin mutters, crossing his arms. Nevertheless, he waits for her to speak, softening when he catches the glimpse of pain flash in her eyes.

“My fiancé. He’s… I- I know he’s not working late all those nights, like he says he is.” Lisa exhales shakily, closing her eyes. “I know who you are. The Love Doctor. Initially, I thought I would talk to Hoseok, maybe book us an appointment with you. But then I saw you at the bar, and I don’t know, it felt like a sign.”

“And you wanted to make him hurt like he hurt you,” Hyunjin finishes for her. He’d had clients like Lisa, the vengeful wives looking to bite back at the ones who wronged them— he just never imagined that he would have almost been a part of such a plot. 

She nods guiltily. “And I also just wanted to forget everything, even if it was going to be temporary. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it, so when you fell asleep, I was kind of relieved.”

Hyunjin snorts and snaps back with no real malice in his words, just a hint of mirth. “Glad me blacking out worked well for you.”

Lisa shoots him a tiny, sheepish grin. “To be fair, I don’t think you really wanted to go through with it. When you were drunk, you kept repeating the same name over and over again.”

He stills at her response, remembering no such event. But of course it makes sense; there’s a certain someone lingering in his thoughts 24/7, and she has no plan of leaving him anytime soon. “I guess.”

If she notices the immediate color in Hyunjin’s cheeks, Lisa says nothing. She just shuffles to the side, letting Hyunjin exit the bedroom before leading him to the main entrance of her apartment. “Again, I’m sorry about everything, Hyunjin. I shouldn’t have tried to use you like that. I really am sorry.”

Hyunjin accepts her apology, a strange mix of sympathy and understanding unfurling in his stomach. After all, he tried doing the same thing, to find someone else to warm his bed and take his mind off of the one person he really wanted. It was a bad night for both of them. “You’re still welcome to find me anytime.”

“Thanks a lot.” Lisa gives him a smile, before it fades into something more playful, one that fits her better than any expression he’s seen on her so far. “If I’m being honest, though, you're not really my type.”

“You know exactly what I mean. Call my secretary and book an appointment if you ever want one. With or without your fiancé.” Hyunjin scoffs, glaring at Lisa over his shoulder as he walks away. “And I’m everyone’s type.”

When his Uber finally pulls up in front of Oasis, Hyunjin hurries up to his penthouse and tries to make the most out of the rest of the cruelly shortened day— after a quick shower to wash off the stench of alcohol and pine air freshener.

Hunched over a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch at his kitchen island, Hyunjin swipes through all of the pop-ups on his laptop, going through everything that he’s missed in the time during which he’d dissociated from all common sense. Everyday, Wonyoung makes sure Hyunjin stays up-to-date on all of his engagements by adding all of his event invitations to his Google calendar; Hyunjin spends a good few minutes clicking through everything, accepting all of his upcoming meetings. He’s been slacking off at work lately, skipping team lunches and sitting out on evening debriefs— but that’s all about to change, because Hyunjin needs to get his life back together again. And that includes making things right with you. 

“Want to pull up for a quick afternoon appointment?” Hyunjin mouths out loud. He then makes a face and deletes the letter, groaning out loud. “This isn’t a high school date…”

After a few more failed attempts at trying to write a breezy but appropriate check-in email to you, Hyunjin resolves to call his no-nonsense secretary, knowing that the Velma to his Daphne would help him rediscover his suavity again. Maybe she could even catch him up on today’s SeoulSpark gossip that he’d missed, if they had time. But he underestimates her temper when she finally picks up after the fourth ring:

“Where the fuck were you?” Wonyoung screeches into the phone, making Hyunjin wince and pull his iPhone away from his ear. “Do you know how worried sick I was? How many times have I called you? You didn’t even show up to the brunch you had with the Carters! I had to practically beg Beyoncé not to drop us, only after promising her and Jay-Z five free sessions! I hope you’re ready to deal with the company's losses!”

“I’m sorry, I know, I know.” Hyunjin whines. “I know I’ve been really sidetracked, but I promise I’m making things right.”

“You’d better, Hyunjin.” Wonyoung bites, before taking a few deep breaths to calm herself down. “I want you over at SeoulSpark on Monday at 6 AM, sharp. We will be going over each and every single client, and then making a game plan for the next five months. You have a meeting with Dr. Jeon, and then Mr. Jung. And Ms. Y/L/N requested an appointment last night, and you can most certainly afford it right now, so you’ll also be meeting with her. Respectfully, I suggest you get your ass over here as soon as possible.”

“Yes, yes— wait.” Hyunjin perks up, dropping his spoon into the soggy bowl of cereal, not minding the tiny droplets of milk that splash up at him. “Did you say Y/N?”

“What’s the matter?”

He shakes his head, dumping the remnants of his meal into the sink. “Nothing. I’ll see you!”

The slow drag of the days until the next week turns into a blur on Monday morning. Hyunjin pulls on a crisp white Celine t-shirt to go with a flowy pair of pleated trousers from the back of his closet, the kind of casual, chic outfit tailored that can always uplift any day. As a final touch, Hyunjin shrugs on a simple yet effective cardigan and dabs some cologne onto his wrists. 

During the drive over to SeoulSpark, Hyunjin reflects on the fact that he’d be seeing you in just a few hours, even though he just saw you a few days ago. When you could barely look Hyunjin in the eye after his colossal blunder. When you’d run away to be far, far away from him, somewhere he couldn’t hurt you again. But he wouldn’t let that happen again, ever. You’re far too precious, and he doesn’t plan on losing you anytime soon, even if you’ll never know what you truly mean to him.

He sighs, parking Cami in her specially reserved spot in the SeoulSpark garage, before taking off his shades and heading inside. As soon as he steps through the sliding glass doors, he can barely muster up a ‘hello’ to his receptionist, Felix, before Wonyoung pounces on him. In the blink of an eye, Wonyoung has dragged him up to his office, where she sits him down at his desk and begins to ferociously rattle off his to-do list for the day.

Luckily, he’s saved by Dr. Jeon, who raps on the open door with a wry smile on his face. “Can I come in, Wonyoung, or are you still busy disciplining Hyunjin?”

Wonyoung huffs at him, before picking up her tablet and making her way out. “He’s all yours. Make it snappy, though. He has a full schedule.”

“Yes, Ms. Jang.” Dr. Jeon says with mock seriousness that makes Wonyoung shoot him a murderous glare, before making himself comfortable on the sofa and turning to Hyunjin. “Damn, where’d you buy this thing? I could take a fat nap here.”

“West Elm.” Hyunjin is unable to keep the smile off of his face. “What’s up, Jungkook?”

“Well, this is kind of an awkward question, if you don’t mind…” Jungkook shoots him a hopeful look, and Hyunjin gives him a nod to continue. “I was just wondering about the company policy about dating clients? It isn’t clear whether we’re allowed to or not, but I know it’s a little iffy.”

Hyunjin sits up in surprise, mind immediately going to you. The SeoulSpark guidelines on dating clients were never explicit to begin with, but it was kind of unsaid that dating clients is out of the question, especially when it could jeopardize business. Of course he’d thought about this before, on the nights when he had been feeling extra delusional over the thought of having you all to himself. But it could never be real.

“What’s this all about, Jungkook?” Hyunjin shifts in his seat warily. “We generally advise against it, even after clients decide to end their memberships. It’s messy territory, one that we try to avoid.”

Jungkook clears his throat. “I mean, she’s not even my client. I think she’s one of yours, actually. She caught my eye at the matchmaking event yesterday— she was wearing this sexy blue sundress. Y/N was her name, I think? I thought, I don't know, that I could maybe ask her out or something? If she didn’t have any matches?”

Oh, hell no.

Hyunjin’s blood immediately goes cold. He likes Jungkook— a lot, actually. He’s a good colleague and friend, and a great drinking buddy when he feels up to it. Jungkook has tagged along with him and Seungmin quite often, whenever they decide to go out to find someone to warm their beds for the night. The topic of women has never been foreign between them, especially in a setting like SeoulSpark. But his woman? Absolutely not. 

Even if you aren’t actually his, Hyunjin would rather break Jungkook’s annoyingly perfect nose than see his hands all over you, and that’s saying something, because Hyunjin hates killing even mosquitos. Jungkook watching you laugh over a plate of pasta. Jungkook helping you into his car. Jungkook kissing you while he brings heaven to you in his bed. All of the things that Hyunjin should get to do.

Technically, it wouldn’t be the end of the world for SeoulSpark if Jungkook dated you, especially since you aren’t his client— but it would be for Hyunjin. Hell if Jeon Jungkook, the notorious player of SeoulSpark, would have you in his stead.

“No.”

Jungkook frowns. “But—”

“I said no, Dr. Jeon. Don’t make me repeat myself,” Hyunjin snaps coldly, barely fazed by that uncharacteristic iciness in his own tone. “Please see yourself out, and come to me when you have something actually useful to discuss.”

Jungkook rolls his eyes, running his hands through his hair. “You seem to be in a mood today, Hyunjin. But whatever, I’ll back off. See you later, I guess.”

Hyunjin knows he should feel bad as he watches Jungkook shrink out his view, but all he has is a vicious sense of satisfaction. That’ll teach him— Christ, is he jealous? Hwang Hyunjin doesn’t get jealous. The world is an oyster, and you, his shimmering pearl. He really is so screwed.

The next few hours are a blur, as Hyunjin does his best to be attentive as he sits through meetings with his executive team, including the one with his Chief Marketing Officer, Jung Hoseok, to discuss potential brand partnerships that would be good for SeoulSpark. He deserves an award for not falling asleep during the very essential Zoom call to confirm whether he should allow his face to be stamped onto a cat food brand (the answer was no, he’s forever a dog person).

By the time the sun has dipped below the horizon, Hyunjin has finished meeting with his second-to-last client of the day, Yang Jeongin, that brazen college student who had talked back to him during his TED talk. Poor guy had been through so much, really, with a history of being dumped, the latest offender being a cheating girlfriend who had effectively ruined his outlook on life. But over the past few months, Hyunjin had been able to chip through that broken exterior to find a brilliant young man in need of just a push in the right direction. He reminds Hyunjin of you so much.

“Thanks, Hyun. I’ll see you next week.” Jeongin waves goodbye at Hyunjin, who’s already rifling through his desk drawer for his compact mirror and breath mints.

Hyunjin flashes him a quick smile. “You too, Jeongin.”

As quick as Jeongin has left, the feeling of being alone washes away when you step into the room, knocking the wind out of Hyunjin’s lungs, as always. Today, you’ve foregone those usual pinks, a constant that Hyunjin had loved so much about your outfits. Nevertheless, you’re stunning; the sea-green floral maxi dress floats delicately around your ankles, and Hyunjin has to mentally kick himself to stop staring at the dainty line of buttons crossed along the ruched bust of the bodice.

“There you are!” Hyunjin beams like the sun, the stress of the day’s burdens melting away.

But instead of getting all cute and flustered at his theatrics like you always do, you give him a thin smile and sit down on the couch. “Hey, Hyunjin.”

Hyunjin tries not to let the concern flood into his logic, but it’s impossible, when it comes to you. However, he makes a valiant effort in crossing his legs and trying to hide the turbulence of emotions beneath his skin by plastering a placid expression onto his face. “So… want to talk about last week?”

“There’s not much to talk about.” You shrug and avoid Hyunjin’s gaze, looking out the window with a forlorn glint in your eyes. 

“Darling, please.” Hyunjin breaks. He gets up from behind his desk and folds himself into the space next to you, failing to maintain his impartiality. He hates to see you like this, like you so steadfastly believe that you’re alone, when he’s been here for you the entire time. “Open up to me.”

You look directly into Hyunjin’s eyes, prompting a shiver to run down his spine. He wishes you could look at him like that while forcing him down onto his knees. “I had sex with Han Jisung.” 

Of everything, hearing that was not on Hyunjin’s 2023 bingo card. For a moment, he just gapes at you in shock. As your dating coach, he never thought you’d be ready to become intimate with someone so soon, especially the guy who made you run off in horror just a few days prior. And as the person who is secretly in love with you, he could never actually imagine you with anyone except for him. Yet, he now has the wonderful, vivid image of you and Han Jisung getting it on. How nice. 

And then comes the complete fury. But before he can act upon it, throwing aside his zen policy to bestow you with an aggressive line of questioning— that he is absolutely not entitled to, at all— you hold up your hand, shutting him up.

“And I think we should stop seeing each other.”

In that moment, nothing but utter horror slashes through every fiber of Hyunjin’s being. Of all of the scenarios he’d gone through in his mind, the worst case is actually happening— goddamnit, universe. What would the point of life be if you weren’t in his, anymore? “Are you… are you breaking up with me?”

You give Hyunjin a pitiful smile that makes him want to go crawl into a hole somewhere and die. “That’s one way to put it, I guess. But I’m your client. This is a good sign.”

That’s not all you are. Fuck, fuck, fuck. This can’t be real. 

“You know what I mean!”

“Shouldn’t you be happy for me?” You purse your lips. “I guess I’ve finally moved on from Jisung, now that I’ve slept with someone else. I can finally go forth in the world without his shadow holding me back. I’m completely over it.”

Hyunjin closes his eyes, lightly massaging his temples using the stress-prevention technique that his old masseuse taught him before she moved back to Thailand. It doesn’t work. Fuck, is he sweating? “Well, I think you’re not completely over it. This is a step, not the destination. Having sex with a guy you just met is definitely not what we programmed into your love life GPS— we’re still driving! Besides, you still have a month of sessions left on your contract!”

“Uhhh, okay.” You give Hyunjin a puzzled look that makes him cringe inwardly— fuck his fruity metaphors. “Either way, I just don’t think I need your help anymore, to be honest. But I really do appreciate everything you’ve done for me.”

“No.” Hyunjin shakes his head stubbornly, resolve set deep inside of him. If you wanted him to get all technical and make himself sound like a pretentious prick, then fine. Anything to keep you from leaving. “As the person who you have entrusted to provide you with a professional opinion, I do not accept your rationale for ending our contract. It’s sudden, and you’d just be wasting your own money because everything was prepaid. It doesn’t make sense for you to go like this, don’t you think? Talk to me.”

And Hyunjin sees you pause, the doubt written across your gorgeous features. You put on a little eyeliner today, and when your eyes crinkle in doubt, the winged ends of the liner downturn, making you look impossibly cute. Hyunjin wants nothing more than to kiss that pout on your lips— not smooth it away, but make it his, somehow, to watch you look down at him with that same expression when he’s on his knees for you.

He waits with bated breath, until you finally throw your hands up, relenting. “Okay. Alright. But only because I have a month left. After that, I won’t be renewing the contract.”

You grumpily sit back down on the sofa, and Hyunjin has to clench his jaw to keep from grinning like an idiot. “So, tell me. What’s gotten you so worked up?”

You sigh, looking away from Hyunjin as you toy with one of the beads on the skirt of your dress. You take your time thinking, and Hyunjin doesn’t rush you, wanting you to be as authentic as possible when providing him with an answer. “There’s this guy…”

Hyunjin then feels all of the blood drain out of face right then. If the abrupt announcement of your departure from SeoulSpark’s services had not sent him into a panic, then this definitely did. He sees that unsure yet determined look in your eye, the kind he’s observed appearing whenever you have a strong opinion to share, the thoughts of other people be damned.

“Who… who is it?” He manages to spit out, thinking back to his go-to metaphoric fork and stabbing himself in the thigh with it, over and over again, to keep himself in place. “Someone from the matchmaking event?”

“It’s not any of those guys, no. You probably don’t even know him. Some guy from work,” you explain quickly, prompting a fresh wave of confusion to wash over Hyunjin. “But that’s not the point. He’s, um, always on my mind. I can’t stop thinking about him, no matter how much I don’t want to. Because, for obvious reasons, I can’t be with him. And I don’t want to hurt him, because the pain from the past— from Jisung— is still there, even if I don’t love him anymore. I don’t trust myself with love.”

Love? Is that what this is? Do you love whoever this useless idiot is? 

Hyunjin’s thoughts cower in betrayal, even though you owe him absolutely nothing. He shakes them away, focusing on everything else you’ve just confided in him with. “It’s okay to not be completely over the past. You might never be, and that’s okay, because what you went through was traumatic. That kind of hurt sticks, and you’re strong for trying to move forward. But you can’t let the fear of the unknown stop you.”

You shake your head. “But it’s too significant to ignore, that fear. My worst nightmare is hurting him like Jisung did to me. What if I end up doing that, Hyunjin? What if I leave him, like Jisung left me?”

“Don’t compare yourself to that piece of shit,” Hyunjin says sharply, making you jump a little. Normally, he’d apologize for coming on too strong, but he couldn’t. Not when you talk about yourself like that. “And it’s just a risk you’re going to have to take. And if he’s really worth it, then he’ll stay by your side no matter what.” 

I would. I wouldn’t ever fucking leave you. 

Before you can say anything, Hyunjin keeps going, unable to restrain himself from asking this next question, because he has to know. He has to know if you truly mean it. “So, the question is, do you think he is? Is he worth it?”

“I love who I am because of him,” you state, and with the way your voice doesn’t even waver, Hyunjin knows it to be completely true. “I’m ten times less pessimistic than I usually am. He makes me feel like a morning person, even though I’m not. And I actually want to do more with my life, see everything it has to offer. He makes me a better person, but I never feel forced to do anything for his attention, for the way he cares.”

“He- he sounds wonderful,” Hyunjin responds, and he’s trying— he really is— but he just doesn’t believe he can be genuine, not now. Not when he feels his heart breaking inside, not when he knows he’s a selfish bastard who should be celebrating you. And what did he fucking expect? That someone wouldn’t see a diamond and pick it up, keeping it for themselves? He’s so, so stupid. 

“He is.” You give him a meaningful look that makes his head spin. Now, what does that mean? Hyunjin doesn’t have it in him to be an interpreter today, strolling across the shoreline rocks of your mind, trying to decipher what today’s tides bring. It’s his literal job to know what you’re thinking, and yet, today his mind is completely clear of any sense of logic.

“He makes me feel seen, even if he may never feel the same,” you continue, biting your lip. “He’s the most beautiful person I know.”

“I’m not supposed to say this, but anyone who wouldn’t return your feelings is a total idiot.” Hyunjin smiles at the way you shoot him a skeptical look. He wants to at least try to convey even a single sign that tells you that he’s glad you’ve found someone good, someone that could make you happy— what he could never do for you himself. “And I’m glad, Y/N. It’s a good thing we still have a month, because I can tell that there’s still some unease on your end, because you’re clearly holding yourself back. I just want the best for you.”

“I know,” you sigh. “I’m sorry if I was making a scene. I just so want to be done with all of this fixing. I just want to be ready to let go of all of that baggage, and I guess I was in a rush to do so.”

“No, no. Don’t apologize. Trust me, I get the feeling, more than you know.” Hyunjin reaches across and places his hand on yours, trying to relax you. “It’s okay to want to move on. It’s okay to be frustrated. And it’s okay to want someone. Let yourself be happy, because ultimately, you’re the only one who can control that, no one else.”

For the first time during your meeting today, you break out into a smile, and Hyunjin has to blink to readjust him to the sight. It’s like a rainbow has cut through a stormy sky, joining in a perfect Yin and Yang. Hyunjin loves all of you, both the color and the tempest, because together, they make you who you are. He wouldn’t change you for the world; all he’s ever done for you was try to make you realize that yourself.

“You are such a gift, Hyunjin,” you say fondly, and Hyunjin has to remind himself that it’s because you see him as a friend, as a confidante. It would never be in the way he completely wants it to be, and he’ll have to make his peace with that, for you.

“I know. All I’m missing is a big pink bow,” Hyunjin jokes, plastering a smile onto his face. For the first time ever, he wishes you would walk out of his office, taking with you your infectious laugh and incandescent gaze. You can’t be here when he falls apart like he so badly needs to. 

You laugh, thankfully not sensing his internal turmoil. “Alright, Hyunjin. I have to get going. But I’ll see you next week?”

He nods, rising as you stand and turn for the door. “Of course. Have a good one, darling.”

“Same goes for you.” You reach up and give his shoulder a little squeeze, before you’re walking away, too soon and yet, not fast enough.

From where you touched him over his cardigan, Hyunjin’s skin burns with desire. But it isn’t enough to keep him from clumsily shutting the door closed behind him as he stumbles back inside of his office. He screws his eyes shut and tries to rapidly think of a list of his favorite things. Pink roses. Sequined Versace blazers. Puppies. Monet paintings.

But he should know by now that such sorrow is inevitable. It was written in his fate, the moment he set his eyes and heart upon you, knowing he would never get that happy ending. After all, he’s the Love Doctor, not a miracle worker. He knows this to be true especially when he feels a dampness on his cheeks and thinks it to be some kind of bewitched rain that’s able to fall inside his office. It’s only when he looks into his compact mirror that he realizes that he’s crying, broken and hopelessly gone for you.

That did not go well. You walked into SeoulSpark with a plan and had promptly failed, when Hyunjin decided to persuade you into staying. But you gave in to his pretty eyes and assuaging words, conveniently forgetting about the half-hour long promises you made with yourself in the morning. 

You were supposed to end your contract, regardless of whether you would be wasting your money or not. That would have been a small price to pay for the pain of love. And you know you’re right, because you start to cry during your shameful walk through the parking lot.

You don’t know what it is that made you open up so profoundly to Hyunjin, past the point where it was safe to conceal your feelings for him. But you just had to keep speaking, going so far as to describe Hyunjin as the object of all of your agitation and pretending like it was someone else that he had no idea of. You’re a fraud, and your only consolation is that Hyunjin sees you so platonically that he probably would never catch onto your feelings. After all, in what world would someone like you being with someone of his caliber ever make any sense? And it’s ironic, really, that you’ve fallen for him, the person who is there to help you find someone else to spend lonely nights with.

After unlocking your car, you collapse into the front seat, letting all of your emotions out for a good few minutes into the night. When the sides of your face finally begin to dry, you open your eyes with a groan, turning the key in the ignition and driving back home. 

You have a long day ahead of you tomorrow, because that godforsaken networking party was looming sooner in the future than you’d like, and you still had to buy something to wear. Your current wardrobe was much more vibrant than it had been just a few months ago, the jeans and plaid blazers hidden behind fluttery sundresses and silky skirts. However, it was all far too casual for the heightened class that you knew the event would require, and therefore, you’d recruited Yeonjun to help you shop, with the promise of all of his meals being paid for the next day.

As soon as you get home, you toss your keys onto the little side table next to the doorway with a huff, knocking your heels off and not bothering to arrange them neatly back onto your shoe stand. With the efficiency of a carpenter ant on a mission, you march into your bathroom and slip out of that god-awful dress, changing into a pair of soft pink pajamas with a magenta heart pattern printed all over them. The set had caught your eye as you were strolling through Costco the other day, a little more expensive than you’d like, but they reminded you of Hyunjin, so into the cart they went. You could allow yourself this comfort, you tell yourself.

Once freshened up, you head into the kitchen, dumping some leftover pasta into a bowl to heat it up, glowering at the microwave as the seconds tick by far too slowly. And as always, you eat at your crappy dining table, alone. Just this morning, you had been sitting in this same place, brainstorming ways to secure project funding, navigating the path to reviving your old startup, ITEM.

Before Hyunjin, you had ditched the excitement of indulging in work, your passion, for more self-destructive, wasteful behavior. In the past few months, after meeting him, there was this renewed sense of productivity in you— he inspired you, made you ache to find your own success in the world. So even though Mark denied you the opportunity to participate in the upcoming function, you disobeyed him and secretly went through with your own idea anyway, especially after hearing through the office grapevine that a lot of big-name investors would be attending. Somehow, you decided, you would figure out a way to present to them and achieve your dream. It was optimistic, maybe a little foolishly so, but that hadn’t bothered you. 

Today, however, you felt this sense of loss that hadn’t touched you in a while. It was nothing related to work, fortunately, but still, you couldn’t focus, mind wandering to your meeting with Hyunjin at the end of the day. For the first time, the thought of him was hurting you, not motivating you. And it still hurts you, with the way you disinterestedly poke at your fettuccine. 

So when you go to bed that night, touching yourself to the thought of him doesn’t have the same velvety allure to it. No, it’s more of a physiological need that forces its way into your hand that glides down your body. It’s the rabic, animalistic desire that drives the tips of your fingers under the waistband of your shorts. It’s the anguish, the longing, that makes you spread your legs, hips bucking up against the mattress.

You had smiled at him, earlier today, after that short drama you’d exerted, when he calmed you down and placated you with a soft, but commanding tone. You had poured your heart out to him, holding back just his name on the tip of your tongue, and he had listened. And you had feigned being amiable, and he accepted it, when in reality, you were so fucking furious with Hyunjin.

After you paraded into his office like a brat, demanding to end the contract as if you cared nothing as to what he might think, he had still treated you with so much understanding, with a quiet concern. You haven’t lost your temper in a long time now, but Hyunjin never failed to respond so well, so kindly to you. In every way that you were irked, he remained calm and gracious. It makes you inexplicably angry, so much that you just want to scream into the cool Angeles night air, letting the sound reverberate off the crumbling buildings of your shitty neighborhood. You hate how good is to you almost as much as you despise yourself in your absolute lowest moments, moments like these. You don’t want the sensuality of his gaze washing over you, worshiping you. You don’t want to melt into his touch, let him take care of you. You don’t want to fuck him like a lover would— no, you want his tears, you want to ruin him like he has done so easily to you.

You think of Hyunjin and his lovely, lovely mouth. A lip pulled in between his teeth in thought, slightly slick with spit when he licks them before speaking. You want to feel the stretch of them around your fingers as you force them into his mouth, choking him and chasing away his breathy complaints. 

You close your eyes, the image of you working yourself with your fingers fading in favor of imagining Hyunjin doing it for you instead. You, gripping his wrist harshly, pumping Hyunjin’s own fingers into yourself, berating him for not being able to do it well enough on his own. 

Then you’d slap his hands away, pushing him onto your bed and straddle his narrow hips, grinding your dripping pussy onto his thighs while getting off both in the friction and Hyunjin’s pleas for you to ride his cock instead. 

But when you decide to put an end to his torture, it wouldn’t be for his pleasure. You want to fuck Hyunjin hard, fuck him sore, the minuscule gap between your bodies clogged and messy with sweat and a mixture of arousal and saliva, from where you’d spit onto his cock. You want him on his back, staring up at you hopefully as he falls apart, begging you to let him come. You want to refuse him, snap at him and make it mean, but he’ll come anyway, guilt and arousal on his beautiful face. Of course he’ll have to clean up his own mess, sucking obediently on your fingers covered with the come you had retrieved from where it was splattered between your legs. 

And then you’d kiss him, slow and deep, nothing like how you took him apart under the sheets. You’d cup his face and whisper praises, running your hands down his body. Declarations of love would fall from your lips, because no matter how much he worked you up, the truth would never change. 

You finish to that final thought, barely hearing the shameful, wet sounds of you abusing your cunt with your fingers that thrust in and out of yourself wildly. But even though you have already come, you cup your pussy again and run your finger, feather-light, through your folds, imagining it was Hyunjin’s lips placing a kiss there, instead. Imagining that no matter how many spiteful words you spat at him during the time you fucked him, he knew that you would never hate him. You understand, that no matter how enraged you have the potential to be, you will never, ever hate Hyunjin. Because you love him— so much that it hurts.

“You’d think that my body was made for Gucci, but there’s something about Privé that turns me on so bad.”

You fight the urge to gag as Yeonjun brings the ugly sweatshirt up to his chest, holding it up in front of the mirror in an attempt to model it on his scrawny frame. You briskly snatch it out of his hands and shove it back onto its hanger, grasping your cousin’s hand like a mother and her toddler. 

“Stop talking about brands like you want to fuck them,” you scold him. Yeonjun rolls his eyes and sticks his tongue out at you in retaliation, but doesn’t try to wriggle out of your hold when you drag him to the women’s section. Sometimes, you feel like you’re an exasperated single parent, toting him around and snapping at him to behave, even though he is barely three years younger than you.

As you enter the evening wear end of the department store, you let go of Yeonjun to sift through the variety of fabrics available. He gleefully bounces around, swishing through the dresses you’re both drowning in and nearly knocking a couple of them off of their racks. But you can’t find it in yourself to chide him again, not when he looks so happy to be here with you. Not that you would ever let him know that you have the capacity to be soft when it comes to him.

“This beats working on job applications,” Yeonjun sighs, sticking his arm through an armhole on a particularly gaudy tea gown. You snicker at how the satin pools beneath his underarms, making him look like a child cosplaying in their mother’s old outfits.

“How’s senior year? I haven’t even been asking you about school, lately.” The last part is less of a rationale for your question to him, and more of a surprised self-proclamation on your end. You can’t remember the last time you ever listened to Yeonjun complain about his ancient professors and weird roommate. The thought fills you with a certain sense of regret; you might not have a lot, but Yeonjun has always been there for you. Most of the time, he annoys you to no end, but his constant presence reminds you that you’re never alone.

The playfulness melts out of Yeonjun’s demeanor, a sight to see with someone who is always so easy-going, never taking life seriously. But you see the somber look in his eyes as he turns to gaze at you critically. “You’ve got a lot going on, I know that.”

You flush, mind automatically going to Hyunjin. Outside of the slice of your day in which you are truly focused on work, the rest of your time goes into dreaming about the attainable object of your fantasies. Eat, sleep, work, and think about Hyunjin. “I— yeah. Work’s been crazy. And reopening ITEM, as well. But that’s no excuse. I’m sorry.”

Yeonjun gives you a wry little smile, foxy and sly. “Work. Sure. Definitely not a certain sexy ass dating coach, right?”

For a guy that presents himself to be so unendingly superficial, Yeonjun has the ability to read people in the snap of a finger. You don’t understand why he tries to act so vapid when he has such a capacity— if you had such a power, you’d use it to no end. 

Your cheeks flush, embarrassingly evident. “Got me there, but I’ve already reached a resolution about him. I’ll go through with the rest of the contract, pull away gradually, and then stop seeing him. Easy.”

Except it is not easy, and both of you know it. Yeonjun rolls his eyes, clicking his tongue in disapproval. “I just don’t get it. Why are you so down bad for him? He’s pretty, don’t get me wrong, but there are a lot of pretty people. He’s the guy who’s supposed to be setting you up with other people. Like, you’re not supposed to be falling for him.”

“I know, Jun,” you sigh. “But I think we’re more alike than outward perceptions allow. I feel like he never really lets his guard down around other people. I just wish I could have the chance to make him feel as seen as he does for me. He’s like no one I’ve ever met.”

Yeonjun stays quiet for a long moment, scrutinizing the way you lower your eyes and resume haphazardly shuffling through the dresses. “I think you should tell him how you feel.”

You would burst into laughter at how ridiculous his proposition is, except it’s not funny at all. “Now that would be crossing the line. Our relationship is completely platonic. Imagine how uncomfortable it would be, to find out that the client you’re trying to help connect with others falls for you instead? I couldn’t do that to Hyunjin.”

“I think Hyunjin still deserves to know. He’s your dating coach, Y/N. If there’s anyone who can understand you, it’s him, because if he really cares about you, nothing about your relationship will change. And who knows, maybe he reciprocates. You never know.”

Listening to your cousin give you such advice makes you feel strange, but not in an unpleasant way. You truly are thankful for it, even if you might not completely trust in it. “I’ll keep that in mind. Thanks, Jun.”

Yeonjun looks like he wants to say more, but he seems to notice the note of finality in your voice and decides to move on. “Back to me. Ask me again, about how school’s going, and I’ll tell you all of the tea.”

“How is school going?” 

“Oh, thank God you asked. Beomgyu is still trying to get me to feature on his OnlyFans, but even though he’s a little creepy with it, he’s the only one who agrees to come thrift shopping with me. And he’s a pretty chill roommate overall, so I can’t really complain. Ugh, and it turns out, my evil ex is still obsessed with me…”

You grin and listen to Yeonjun ramble on about his very animated life at UCLA, thankful for the distraction as you comb through the racks. After a few minutes of tuning into Yeonjun’s story about how he walked in on Beomgyu hooking up with some guy named Jeongin, you freeze, because you meet eyes with the one person you wished you would never see again. Yeonjun’s babbling comes to a jarring stop, and you both just stare at the monster who tried to ruin your life.

“Y/N! Is that you?” 

He saunters forward as you stay rooted to where you are, and it’s like he has walked right out of an old photo album carrying the bitter memories of your past. You recognize those round, sparkling doe eyes, the ones that reminded you of the dark pearls in the milk tea drinks you both would always share at night markets. The same choppy, boyish haircut streaked with caramel, the locks you would quietly run your fingers through after every time you forgave him. That delicate, nearly fairy-like face, the one that you could never bring yourself to hate, no matter how much he pushed you. Park Jisung has not changed one bit, except for the space you used to clutch on his arms has now been occupied by someone new. 

The girl is stunning, you can admit, but on closer look, you realize that it’s Kazuha Nakamura, the last girl he cheated on you with, the one that severed the final threads of your relationship. She, on the other hand, looks completely different, with her blonde curls chopped into a dark Brazilian-permed lob that swishes when she tilts her head down derisively, surveying you from head-to-toe. She looks like the epitome of the girl that Jisung was always trying to get you to be, stuck into the mold of a life predetermined for her. And for the first time in a long time, you’re glad you didn’t fit.

You regain your bearings a moment later after the initial shock wears off, when Park Jisung laughs, a deep, rumbling sound that contrasts with the way Kazuha titters next to him. But instead of acknowledging Jisung, you turn to Kazuha first instead.

“Kazuha! What a surprise!” You smile sweetly at her while she just gapes at you blankly, clearly surprised by your absence of hostility. In the periphery of your eye, you can see Jisung ball his fists at his side, ever the narcissist to be irked by even a slight dearth of attention. “You look great, girl!”

“And you look exactly the same, Jisung,” Yeonjun says flatly in a way that obviously conveys insult, before slinging a protective arm around your shoulder. You stifle a snort, and watch the way Jisung rolls his eyes.

“Ever a delight, aren’t you, Yeonjun?” Jisung shoots him a venomous smile, that Yeonjun responds to with a cheesy little salute. This time, you can’t contain the chuckle that escapes your lips. 

Before anyone can say more, you pipe up, determined to have the last word in the conversation you have no intention of repeating. “It was wonderful to see you, Jisung. You and Kazuha make a lovely pair— hope it works out!”

With one last gracious nod of your head, you loop your arm through Yeonjun’s and move past where Jisung and Kazuha stand rooted to the spot, speechless. As you and Yeonjun flounce away, you feel Jisung’s gaze burning into the back of your neck, but you don’t care. Not anymore.

“Damn, and I thought I’d get to watch a fight today. I really would have liked to see that dickwad get his just desserts,” Yeonjun grumbles, but you see the impressed look on his face.

You feel an unfamiliar rush of both adrenaline and triumph coursing through your veins; you saved your anger, and yet, you know you’ve won. For months, you told yourself that if you ever got the chance to tell Jisung off, you would use it. But the thought didn’t bring you as much satisfaction as it did before, and besides, you have someone more worth your tears now. Seeing Jisung again didn’t affect you as much as it once would have, because you finally, truly have moved on. And comparably, your current predicament seems much more daunting than some loser who never deserved you. 

“They looked like morons when we didn’t give them the reaction they wanted. Besides, I’m taking the high road.”

“You’re boring when you’re not a bitch.”

“Thanks.” You grin, pausing your gait when you see it. The giddiness drains into something more mournful as you take in the dress, delicate folds of pink chiffon that dissolve into a painstakingly threaded gold-beaded skirt. “This is the one, Jun.”

Yeonjun doesn’t miss the beat of sadness in your voice, the thickness of your words. “Seriously though, you don’t have to talk about Jisung, but I feel like that’s not who you’re upset about. You don’t seem okay.”

“I’ve found my peace with Jisung, but there’s still something else.” You inhale sharply. “I’m in love with Hyunjin.”

He stays quiet for a moment, before taking the dress off of the rack for you. “This is on me.”

“I appreciate it, but you don’t have to—”

“I want to. And if you’re not busy tonight, I have somewhere to be, and I’d like it if you came with me. What do you say?”

You’re not oblivious— you recognize the sympathy, Yeonjun’s clear attempt to cheer you up, a switch-up from the banter you usually trade. Before, you would refuse, retreating home to bury yourself deeper into a hole. But for once, you don’t want to push away the people who care about you. So you accept and look forward, accepting the poignance of it all.

“Hwang Hyunjin, you’d better get your ass over here on time, or else I’ll—”

Hyunjin bursts into a dramatic fit of coughing, cutting off Seungmin’s nagging. “Remind me to take you to one of my yoga sessions. Your chakras are seriously off, but there’s nothing that Dr. Sachet can’t fix.”

“Hyunjin.” 

“I know! I just got here, Seungmin.” Hyunjin sighs, ending the call before Seungmin has the chance to say anything further. He slides his phone into his pocket, already regretting his choice to accept Seungmin’s request— which was actually more of a demand— to be his plus-one at his college reunion. 

Any other day, he would have loved to ditch his introverted activities to accompany his best friend to get tipsy and gossip about everyone’s glow ups. Today, however, all he really wants to do is curl up in his bed with Princess Diana and binge-watch Friends. But alas, his loyalty— and fear— for Seungmin won out, and now here he is, standing in a rounded glass elevator on his way up to Highlight, the upscale rooftop bar venue of the event. 

When the elevator finally reaches the top floor, the telltale bell dings, opening the door into what can only be described as high-end chaos: people decked out in crisp suits and cocktail dresses and jewels, as they crowd around the lighted bar counters, shouting out their drink orders to harried bartenders while trying to brag about how successful they’ve become over the past few years. Waiters walk around, serving hors d'oeuvres to the guests that promptly ignore them, and the orchestral jazz, courtesy of the live band crowded into the corner, is drowned out by the raucous laughter of a group of men situated at a section of tables next to the windows. The whole effect is ridiculously ostentatious, and even Hyunjin has to restrain himself from letting his lip curl with disgust.

“Fuck, there you are.” Hyunjin feels a warm hand on his shoulder, and turns to see Seungmin staring at him with an overwhelmed look in his eye.

Hyunjin takes in his friend for a moment, admiring his black and white silk polka dot shirt that’s tucked into a pair of belted navy slacks. At least someone at this place had style, and it’s always a pleasure for it to be Seungmin, as by now, Hyunjin has gotten used to seeing him wearing bloodied scrubs. “You look good, man. But why in the world would you want to come here and see all of these jerks?”

Seungmin shrugs, and Hyunjin is surprised to see a slight blush overtake his features. He traces Seungmin’s wandering gaze over to the edge of the open balcony, where a devastatingly handsome man strangely stands on his own, sipping on his cocktail while observing the view of skyscrapers stretching out around the building. Ah. 

“He’s Seungcheol, isn’t he? Your old crush that you never talked to? That’s why we’re here?” Hyunjin teases, remembering those nights when he got Seungmin tipsy enough to confess his unrequited feelings for Choi Seungcheol, the resident heartbreaker of the pre-med student body at UCLA. 

“Shut the fuck up.” Seungmin grumbles, but his complexion betrays him, turning as red as a tomato. 

Hyunjin laughs heartily, thanking a passing waitress before accepting a mango and vanilla parfait from her tray. “Alright.”

And then it’s Seungmin’s turn to check out Hyunjin, who strikes a little pose and preens at the attention. “I don’t know how, but even with all of your designer shit, you never seem like a dick.”

“I’ll take that as a compliment.” Hyunjin grins. Hyunjin never dresses to appease the dress code— instead, he makes it his bitch, and does it in a way that’s classy, not ostentatious. It’s clear in today’s sophisticated yet roguish ensemble: a crisp white Givenchy suit paired with Nike Air Forces to deflate the grandiose of the former brand. And the sheer black tank top and silver chain-link necklace under his oversized blazer was just enough to add a touch of gender-bending sexiness. 

The corner of Seungmin’s mouth quirks up, and he hooks his arm into Hyunjin’s, steering him towards a high table tucked into a more quiet section of the bar. “Having fun, Hyun?”

Hyunjin fights a smile. “Moresoe now that you’re here with me, babe.”

That is Seungmin’s cue to shove Hyunjin away, who continues to bat his lashes prettily. “I hate you. I should’ve asked Nicholas the hot nurse to be my date instead.”

“But then you couldn’t flirt with our Seungcheol!”

Seungmin groans, head falling onto the table, lolling to the side hopelessly. “I don’t even know how to approach him, though. I mean, did you see him? He just managed to get even more gorgeous! His hair? His height? He’s totally out of my league.”

Hyunjin immediately morphs into wingman mode. “Trust me, I can just tell he has a thing for cute nerds. And, not to be crass, but his body language screams brat tamer.”

“I am not a brat,” Seungmin scowls. 

“Touché.” 

After a few more minutes of hyping Seungmin up, Hyunjin triumphantly sits back and watches his friend slink off in the direction of Seungcheol; he snickers to himself when Seungmin tentatively taps on Seungcheol’s shoulder, shaking like a fangirl about to ask a celebrity for a picture. Seungcheol turns, a friendly beam cutting across his stern features. Seungmin says something indiscernible to Seungcheol that makes him laugh, and that’s Hyunjin’s sign to leave the rest to his friend. 

By this time, the company around him has eased slightly, with everyone digging into the buffet-style dinner that the caterers have set out. 

“Don’t mind if I do,” Hyunjin mutters under his breath, thinking back to the flimsy cup of ramyun that he had scarfed down earlier. He picks up a plate from one of the long tables and gets in line, mouth already watering at the spread of food. After loading his plate with copious helpings of every dish of carbs in sight, he also makes sure to secure dessert, snagging a couple pastries and slices of cake. The gaggle of ladies behind him shoot him pointed looks, but he ignores them, walking away to find seating; he’s needed this, after the week he’s had.

He winds up sitting next to a giddy couple that just cannot keep their hands off of each other. Most of the time, when he winds up somewhere with people who exhibit excessive public displays of affection, he tries to discreetly slip away or make himself as unknown as possible, the hopeless romantic in him quietly cheering them on. Now, however, he unceremoniously plops onto the farthest end of the loveseat opposite of them, all alone and just grateful that the food is good.

“Earth to Hyunjin!”

Hyunjin looks up, mouth stuffed embarrassingly full of a caprese salad sandwich. “Mrph?”

Seungmin stands there, hands on his knees while he pants a little to catch his breath. “You will not believe what just happened.”

“Well, what happened?”

“Seungcheol and I are going out to dinner tomorrow!” Seungmin huffs, cheeks flushed a bright red as he looks over at Seungcheol where he’s standing by the elevator. Seungcheol gives him a shy smile before quickly looking away. Seungmin smirks and leans down to speak into Hyunjin’s ear. “And he just asked me if I have any plans for the rest of the night.”

He leans back to gauge Hyunjin’s reaction, which, in Hyunjin’s knowledge of his friend, does not disappoint. Hyunjin gasps theatrically and nearly drops his plate in trying to clap him on the back in congratulations. “That’s my man!”

“That’s right!” 

Hyunjin grins. “Even your ship name would be cute. 2Seung. Meant to be.”

“You’re such a dork.” Seungmin rolls his eyes, but fails to hide his blush. “Now, I’m gonna go get railed by the man of my dreams.”

Hyunjin bids Seungmin goodbye, remaining enthusiastic up until the moment he sees Seungmin and Seuncheol take their leave. As soon as they do, he lets his smile fall. He’s happy for Seungmin, really. He just wishes it could be him disappearing into that glass elevator with his lover. He would press you up against that heavy gold railing that rounds the inside, kissing you as you begin your descent down the building. Kissing you as fireworks go off in the distance, brighter than the Los Angeles skyline. Kissing you even when the elevator door opens, an irked crowd of people waiting to get in. He wishes he could flaunt you off to everyone in the world, show everyone how perfect you are for him. 

Hyunjin is so lost in his muddled, wistful thoughts that he doesn’t notice the couch dip, someone just as miserable as him occupying the tiny space next to him. 

“Hyunjin?”

He turns his head, slowly, to see you, of all people, glaring at him with a bewildered expression on your face. He remains in a momentary stunned silence, taking in the slight redness of your nose, how watery your eyes are. The space in between your eyebrows that’s painfully scrunched. The way your lips are pressed together tightly. You’ve been crying. Still gorgeous, no matter what.

“Darling?”

For the second time today, you are caught off guard. You have been stewing in your loneliness all evening, ruminating over your hopelessly unrequited love. It surprised you, a little bit, how you were barely affected by the run-in with Jisung, but that faded away when you took your first sip at the absurdly lavish open bar. For others, alcohol can be liquid courage— for you, it’s a depressant that brings out the sad drunk in you.

You shake your head, trying not to let the immediate horror seep into you. But how can it not, when the gorgeous man you are in love with has just become witness to your ugly tears for the second time? And from where did he just appear out of, when you thought you were going to be able to spend your time wallowing in your sorrows alone? Life is truly unfair.

“What- what are you doing here?” You sputter. 

You imagine that Hyunjin looks stunned, for a moment, but his face lights up when he realizes that it is you who is the mess curled up next to him. If he seems put off by the remnants of your crying, he does not show it. “I was here as my friend’s date, but it seems as though he’s ditched me for a better one.”

He gives you a furtive smile that makes you feel like you’re in on a joke, and in spite of your pitiful state, you immediately feel the warmth spread through you. “The Love Doctor always works, doesn’t he?”

“It’s my nine-to-five, as well as my five-to-nine,” Hyunjin jokes, chuckling. “So, you’re a UCLA alum? You didn’t strike me as the sort, I didn’t think.”

You scoff playfully. “Absolutely not. Proud Case Western grad here. Where else would I get my inherent computer geek complex?”

Hyunjin’s eyes sparkle. “Then what brings you here?”

“My cousin.” You jerk your chin in the direction of Yeonjun, who’s currently trying to break up a fight between two men who seem to be arguing about something related to stocks. “He’s trying to fulfill his senior undergraduate community service requirement by volunteering at this thing. But this is barely community service— I think the UCLA Alumni Association just wanted some free labor.”

Hyunjin laughs at your shitty joke, and you nearly feel like your attitude just turns up at that sound, unfurling like petals when touched by sunshine. “Are you enjoying the party?”

“Too kitsch.” You tilt your head towards the dizzying display of debauchery currently swarming your little bubble: most of the guests have separated into their own cliques by now, and the one closest to you has set up an uproarious gambling circle on their table. This is a bit much, even if for a swanky college reunion.

“Agreed.” Hyunjin stays quiet for a moment, and you watch him curiously, wondering what he’s thinking of. He relieves you a moment later. “Darling, I don’t want to intrude, but I just wanted to ask if everything’s okay?”

You hesitate to answer, because although you know he genuinely wants to check up on you, given the astronomically considerate person he is, you don’t want to burden him with your problems— especially if the problem is him. So you do what any sensible person would do and deflect. “It’s a long story. How about we check out the bar?”

You expect him to turn you down, but maybe you’re not the only one who needs a drink, because he accepts. “I feel like I’ll regret it, but alright.”

Hyunjin helps you up from where you sit, grabbing your purse for you and handing it to you as you stand, making your heart squeeze even tighter in your chest. But you both make your way over to the open bar, snagging two seats at the very end of the counter on one side. 

The teariness made your intoxication a bit more discreet, so you’re openly able to ask for a beer without raising Hyunjin’s eyebrows. Hyunjin, on the other hand, orders a pink champagne on the rocks. He really is so sophisticated. After you both finish speaking with the bartender, he turns to you, placing his elbow on the counter and propping up his chin in his arm. The soft smile on his face fits perfectly as his eyes lock onto yours, and it feels… flirtatious. 

You’re suddenly transported into all of those times you were alone at a bar, men approaching you with a similar demeanor, but with very much different intentions. Therein, with Hyunjin, the aura of respect and boundaries still hangs in the air, so it doesn’t linger, no matter how much you wish it would stay. 

The bartender sets your choices in front of you, and you try to enjoy the drink, but the overwhelming bitterness of it just makes everything come crashing down. You sniffle, and then immediately hope that Hyunjin has not noticed that you are beginning to cry pathetically— again— into your mug of beer.

Hyunjin looks concerned, leaning forward as if to put his arm around you, but after a moment’s hesitation, he retracts his arm and instead, focuses on your face. "Y/N?"

Shit. You try to laugh it off as an extremely severe case of allergies, but even besides the fact that there's barely any pollen in the concrete jungle of Los Angeles, you suck at acting. Too bad Hollywood is only a ten-minute commute from your apartment.

"I’m… I’m okay. I'm totally okay." You try to laugh it off, but instead, it sounds like a strange, very unattractive quack. The thick tears that begin to roll down your cheeks are not even necessary for Hyunjin to call you out. He is not buying any of it.

"Darling, please. Don’t lie to me.”

"Hyunjin, I'm fine! God!"

At this point, you're full on sobbing in the middle of the room, and people are shooting you weird looks. Hyunjin should leave. Being seen with a mess like you could taint his spotless, perfect image, and outside of his office, he has absolutely no obligation to you. Fuck, you don’t even know why you’re being such a crybaby— before Hyunjin, you could actually down booze without losing it on the spot, especially surrounded by a bunch of strangers.

But as if he couldn’t tug at you anymore, he doesn’t think this time to cross the miniscule space between you both and pull you into a tight hug. You feel like utter crap, and it’s been so long since someone just held you, assuring you that everything is going to be fine. But you can’t help notice one insignificant detail: Hyunjin smells fucking amazing and expensive and elegant— perhaps Chanel or Tom Ford? And in that glorious suit too, he’s like the real-life, less embarrassing embodiment of the mafia overlords that dominated your questionable high school fanfiction phase. Fuck. This isn’t helping the situation.

Hyunjin, meanwhile, rubs soothing circles on your back, definitely unaware of your inappropriate intrusive thoughts. “Shhh, it’s going to be okay. Do you wanna get out of here?”

You blink up at him tearily, mind frazzled but remembering your engagement. “But, Yeonjun…”

And as if the devil whispers in his ears, your cousin manifests out of thin air, collapsing onto the empty stool next to you. “My dear cuz, smack some sense into me if I ever volunteer again with— wait. Bro, are you crying?”

The shame piles up on you again, heating up your skin in a way that’s too obvious. But before you can muster up a lie, Hyunjin speaks for you, taking the mug away from your hands. “I think it’s best if Y/N gets some rest, she isn’t feeling too well.”

Yeonjun just stares dumbly at Hyunjin for a second, jaw hanging open a little, as it does for anyone when they are first in the presence of Hwang Hyunjin. “I, uh. Yeah. That’s good. You’re Hwang Hyunjin, right? Her dating coach?”

Even through your intoxication, you feel like you see something flicker in Hyunjin’s eyes, but as always, it doesn’t last. “Yes, it’s wonderful to meet you, Yeonjun. Y/N has spoken a lot about you.”

“Same to you.” Yeonjun snickers, before clearing his throat and turning serious. “Listen, man, I hate to ask you this. But can you please help her home? I can text you the address? I really can’t leave this stupid shindig until it’s over, but I don’t wanna leave her alone—”

“Don’t worry about it. I’ll take care of her.” Hyunjin states firmly, motioning to the bartender to bring you a large class of water. The way he’s looking out for you brings up something hot, aroused in your stomach. 

Yeonjun nods, and to his credit, he really does look as apologetic as you can discern in your drunk haze. Hyunjin helps you finish your water, before buying a water bottle for you to sip from, as he slides his arm around your shoulders and helps you out of that terrible room. In most cases, when sober and thinking straight, you would be as rigid as a bar, humiliated and unsure of what to do with yourself. But you let yourself have this, just once, melting into his side and enjoying your misery more than you should.

Sometimes, Hyunjin really can be such a piece of shit. Like the time he promised Princess Diana extra cuddles before bedtime, but forgot because he had been working late at SeoulSpark on some overdue reports; he had felt like such a horrible father to his baby. Or the time he mentioned a Gucci product during an interview, inadvertently advertising for Versace’s biggest competitor; Donatella wouldn’t reply to his texts for nearly a week. But all of that seems tame in comparison to today.

You’ve had too much to drink and can’t stop crying, and here Hyunjin is, thinking about how much he wants to kiss you. In his defense, you look so adorable, with your cheeks flushed from the alcohol, eyes drooping with drowsiness and lips pouted preciously. But it’s still highly inappropriate of Hyunjin to be thinking of you in such a way, so he shoves those treacherous thoughts into the back of his mind and focuses on staring at anything but you.

After a few swipes on the Uber app, your ride pulls up in front of the hotel in which Highlight is located inside. At this point, you’ve become pliant in Hyunjin’s arms, cuddling into his side and clutching at his waist. Hyunjin can barely breathe, and is vastly thankful for the distraction of the car's arrival.

He helps you into the backseat of the car, before getting in from the other side. The drive back to your place is quiet, save for the breezy orchestra music that the driver plays on the low and the soft sounds of your sniffling. Hyunjin clenches his jaw and stares out the window, trying to focus on the green highway signs whizzing by and not the fact that you’re barely centimeters away from him, humming sadly along to the radio. 

Twenty minutes pass, and suddenly, you’re both standing in front of your apartment building, an old but dreamy housing complex tucked away in one of the quieter sectors of the city. Hyunjin walks you up to your door, telling himself that he’ll leave as soon as you’re safe inside. He watches you sway on your feet a little while you take a few extra minutes to fumble with the door lock. Hyunjin wants you to go inside and slam the door in his face, bringing him back to his senses. Instead, you look over at him, a lilt to your voice.

“Wanna come inside?” You slightly slur over your words, giving him a small glance. It’s innocent enough that Hyunjin knows your motives are pure, even if a tiny part of him wishes they weren’t. 

He hesitates, the logical side of his mind screaming at him to politely refuse and bid you a goodnight. But then again, he hasn’t been very logical whenever it comes to you. He now promises himself that this is just a little post-party hangout. You can be friends, can’t you? And besides, you need someone to look after you. And friends look after each other, don’t they?

Hyunjin steps inside, instantly in awe of your apartment. The open floor concept allows him to explore the entire layout with his eyes, from the soft throw blanket lying on your very comfortable-looking couch to the bellowing linen curtains hanging over your windows. The mismatched furniture and nearly overflowing book cases are incredibly charming, the artful dissonance of your decor coming together in a harmony that just makes everything feel so cozy. 

In Hyunjin’s mind, your apartment is so quintessentially you, a feeling of home that his own place never quite felt like. Yes, he loves Oasis more than anything, but there’s this slightly pretentious air to it, this urge to keep it constantly pristine. It feeds into Hyunjin’s obsession over perfection, instead of being the one place where he can truly be himself. Here, however, Hyunjin feels comfortable, secure in his own skin, even when in reality, he probably looks ridiculously out of place in his over-the-top outfit.

“Hm,” you mumble, prompting Hyunjin to whirl around and rush forward to steady you when you lean a little too forward. “Do you wanna drink?”

Hyunjin frowns at you while you just giggle nonsensically. You’re nowhere near sober, but at the very least, at least you’re not distressed anymore. Hyunjin hates to see you upset; your face was made for smiling.

“Absolutely not. We have done enough drinking for today.” Hyunjin chides you sternly. “You can’t go to bed on an empty stomach, though.”

You prop yourself on one of the chairs at your dining table, giving him an anticipating look that Hyunjin takes as permission to rummage through your cupboards. After looking through the fridge as well, Hyunjin settles on cooking you his comfort grilled cheese recipe. He pours you a glass of water and gives you a little pat on your head when you obediently finish the entire thing and accept another.

You quietly watch Hyunjin while he putters around the kitchen; the sheer domesticity of it all makes him yearn for this to be a regular occurrence. He’d cook for you everyday, filling you to the brim with all of the affection you deserve. But that’s not going to happen, so he keeps his head down and concentrates. Hyunjin flips the sourdough bread on the griddle until it’s golden brown, spreading liberal amounts of butter on each side. And the pièce de résistance, he adds one-third white cheddar, one-third yellow cheddar, and one-third American cheese, his favorite combination of cheeses for a rainy day. 

“This is so yummy,” you declare after your first bite, eyes full of delight. “Here, have some. You’re such a good cook, Hyunnie.”

Hyunjin doesn’t know whether to be more shocked at the fact that you’re holding out your own sandwich for Hyunjin to try, or how you just called him such an endearing nickname. “I– it’s okay, darling. I’m not hungry.”

But you don’t accept it, because it looks like you’re just as stubborn even when inebriated. “You need to taste, or else I’ll be sad.”

You flash him a heartbroken set of puppy dog eyes that makes him melt and give in. He reaches across the rickety little table and tries to take the sandwich in his own hands, but you pull away slightly and hold it out to him expectantly. Oh. 

Hyunjin gingerly leans forward and lets you feed him a bite of the grilled cheese. He chews quickly, trying not to blush under the intensity of your gaze. Once he swallows, he watches you finish off the rest of the sandwich, satisfied with his compliance. When you’re done, you look up at him proudly, and he just can’t help but be endeared by you. 

Hyunjin clears the table and washes the dishes, wiping his hands on the fluffy towel hanging from the oven handle. After a moment’s hesitation, he reaches out to brush a few stray crumbs off of the corner of your mouth, trying not to revel in the sensation of how soft your lips are under his thumb.

“Thank you,” you say, giving him a guileless smile while you bite down on an orange-colored candy from the small bowl on the counter. “Let’s do something fun, that party was so boring.”

Hyunjin lets you wrap your fingers around his wrist, pulling him to the living room and onto the couch. He huffs out a laugh as you clumsily fall onto the sofa, moving to get comfortable. “What are you thinking?”

You tap your chin dramatically, making a show of trying to decide what to do. “How about… karaoke?”

Hyunjin grins and takes the TV remote that you hand him, hopping onto YouTube and flipping through the list of lyrical videos. “Any preference for a song?”

You shake your head vigorously. “Surprise me.”

He settles on “Gone Away,” a ballad by one of his favorite underground rock bands. The slow notes of a love song float out through the speaker, the lovely voice of the lead singer, J.One, filling his ears. He nervously glances over at you, but you give him an encouraging nod, and Hyunjin lets himself go.

“Inside collapsed time, even my hopes for us to be together, no longer matter,” Hyunjin sings along to the lyrics, the song resonating within him more than he wishes it did. “My love, tangled up while looking for you, is gone, gone away, gone away.”

“I don’t think I can stop you from leaving anymore,” you join in softly, and Hyunjin looks over at you in surprise, but you’re staring straight ahead at the TV. He tamps down his nerves and gets through the rest of the song with you, both of you somehow harmonizing together in tune. At some point in the middle, the tears start pouring down his cheeks slowly, in the way he can never control. He just hopes that you don’t notice every time he reaches up to swipe at them, before inevitably fall.

The song doesn’t finish quick enough, and an advertisement begins to run on autoplay, but Hyunjin can’t bring himself to look at you again, terrified of the way his heart beats so deafeningly in his chest.

“Hyunjin.”

Serious, without a single hint of playfulness. Hyunjin clears his throat and lifts his head to see your indecipherable expression. He notices the traces of haziness in your eyes, but there’s undeniable determination written across your face. “Yes?”

“Don’t cry,” You nearly sob out, breath catching in your throat. “It doesn’t suit such a beautiful person to be filled with so much grief.”

Hyunjin covers up his astonishment at your words with denial, trying to push them off as an emotional reaction to the song. But you’ve just called him beautiful, and that cannot be covered up. “I’m sorry, that was a bit much.”

You swallow harshly, the dry sound of it audible. Maybe Hyunjin should excuse himself to bring you some water and escape this conversation. But— “You can never be too much. I want you, all the time. I think of you, all the time.”

This time, Hyunjin is effectively rendered gone. Frozen to the couch, time stopped and his train of rational thought put on hold. He reruns the sentence in his brain, trying to piece them together. You want him. You think of him? You want him? His confused, frantic contemplation is interrupted when you crawl over the couch and lift your palm to cup his jaw, so close that he can nearly feel the soft puff of your breathing against his face. Fuck, you’re still drunk.

“I’m gonna kiss you now,” you murmur. Hyunjin is sure he has died and gone to some otherworldly dimension— maybe heaven, or hell, depending on how the higher powers have judged his situation to be— when he feels your lips slot against his, reeling him in like a needle through thread. So what else can he do, but accept what you give him and circle his arms around your waist, pulling you in closer so you’re on his lap.

You taste like the mango candy you popped earlier, sweet with a hint of tanginess, and it’s driving Hyunjin absolute nuts. Your eyes flutter shut and so do Hyunjin’s, both of you melting into each other, diving into the dangerous waters that Hyunjin swore that he wouldn’t tread. But he can’t stop, he just can’t, not when you lick into his mouth with a passion to rival the one he’s felt for you since day one. 

“Hyunjin…” You whisper, a long, obscenely drawn-out syllable that’s reminiscent of the noises that Hyunjin imagined eliciting from you. That one sound snaps him out of it. You’re drunk, you’re drunk, and this means nothing. This means nothing to you, and he’s just been here, the unfortunate sap to receive your sweet, empty words just because he’s been here for you once. He doesn’t deserve any of it. You’re not going to remember any of it. You are so fucking drunk.

Before he knows it, he’s shoving you off, and with the way you heavily land on the cushion next to him, he wasn’t gentle at all, in his panic. You just stare at him with a half-dazed, half-dismayed look on your face that makes him cringe away. 

“I am so sorry,” Hyunjin croaks, grabbing his phone and scrambling to stand up. He will pull himself together, eventually, in time to see you for the next appointment. And then he will remind himself that he is a mere service to you, and nothing more. As it should be, and as it always was.

Hyunjin doesn’t even wait for your response before he’s running out the door and into the night.

You come to at around noon, groggily blinking a few times before the memories come flooding back in. You drinking yourself stupid at the bar. Hyunjin leading the way back home. Karaoke while relaxed on your shitty couch from Craig’s List. Kissing like in a movie before the atomic bomb dropped. You kissed Hyunjin. Your drunk, sentimental ass was lucid enough to remember your feelings, but not sober enough to remember to conceal them. You kissed Hwang motherfucking Hyunjin, and you have colossally fucked up. 

You scream about it for a good half hour, ripping at your hair and keeling over on the couch, dry heaving in a failed attempt to let out your guilt. It sticks. You’re mortified. Scared. Disgusted. How, how could you do that to him? Taking advantage of him when he was in your own home? You didn’t even get proper consent from him! You are such a damn asshole, and now, Hyunjin is probably never going to want to see you again. 

All you want to do is jump under your covers and cry yourself to a sleep that you’ll never have to wake up from. But you love Hyunjin too much to do that to him. You owe him an apology and the entire world, which you have no qualms about bringing to him if he asked you.

And that’s why you’re at SeoulSpark, ignoring the fear pulsing in your body as you push open the door, closing your eyes as the cool gust of the air conditioning washes over your skin. But the drop in temperature does nothing to tamp down the nerves boiling under your skin. 

All of the composure that you have carefully curated in the past few minutes shrivels up— charred to a crisp and punted out of Hyunjin’s ridiculously extravagant floor-to-ceiling windows— when you lay eyes on him. Because that’s the effect he’s always had on you, and you feel like an idiot for not already anticipating that familiar cyclone of emotions that hits you whenever he’s in vicinity. 

There he stands, gazing out at the view leisurely spread out at his feet, lax hands tucked into the pockets of his trousers like he has no worries at all. In the perfect world, you could have just an ounce of his self-command, of how assuredly he carries himself. You envy him almost as much as you want him. Almost. 

When he turns away from the glass at the sound of entrance, the sharp angle of his side profile is shadowed by the light pouring in from behind him, portraying him as some magnificent sort of Greek god. And he might as well be, with the way he has directed both torrents of lightning and spelled arrows through your heart. 

You just stand there awkwardly as he steps out of the sun and completely into your vision; you don’t trust that there will ever be a day when you are not so devastatingly floored by his beauty. The buttons of his shirt are haphazardly hooked in a way that seems not so careless, but more effortless, and you have to fight everything in yourself to not stare at the smooth expanse of skin revealed at the top. 

The moment Hyunjin recognizes the intruder of his office as you, his lips erupt into a smile that seems too genuine given the stunt you pulled just a few hours prior. If he carries any disgust towards you as a result of last night’s events, he doesn’t show it. Warmth pools in his eyes like honey, and you find yourself swimming in it, insatiable and begging for more of that lovely taste. You wish you knew how it would feel to have him look at you so sweetly while he harshly fucks into you, a complete juxtaposition to the adoration painting his expression.

“Hey,” you wave your hand lamely, and then immediately mentally punch yourself in the face; you really missed your calling as the awkward main character of a Disney original show. 

“Good morning, darling. I wasn’t expecting you today.” Hyunjin gestures towards the sofa and you hastily sit down on it, whereas Hyunjin elegantly settles himself across from you. 

“I know.” You avert your gaze, feeling the blush creeping up your neck and onto your face. “Last night was, uh, something.”

That’s one fucking way to put it.

Hyunjin lets out a surprised little chuckle, a sound so cute that you have to ponder ways to inconspicuously pinch your arm. “Well, I was talking about how you didn’t have an appointment. But I’m glad that you’re using the walk-in hours.”

“Yeah… so I thought we should maybe talk about what happened,” you stutter out, shifting under Hyunjin’s steady gaze. “I don’t even know where to begin though.”

Hyunjin hums encouragingly. “It’s okay. What do you want to tell me?”

You take a deep breath, thinking back to the previous night. “I’m sorry. I crossed so many lines yesterday and I was too drunk out of my mind to even tell. I must have made you feel so uncomfortable, and that’s the last thing I would ever want to do.”

And you mean every word. You would rather hurtle yourself into the Grand Canyon than hurt Hyunjin, Hyunjin who has been so good to you even when you never deserved it, Hyunjin who you’re hopelessly and utterly in love with. Hyunjin, who you can never have.

Hyunjin doesn’t say anything during that miniscule gap in which you pause, so you take it as a sign to keep going. You’d rather get it off your chest all in one go anyway, as you fear you may not be able to finish if you stop. “I get it if this changes things. If you don’t want to see me anymore.” 

You shut your eyes as soon as you finish speaking, too apprehensive to see his reaction. This is it. This is the part where he agrees and so very politely asks you to leave his office and never come back again. It’ll probably take Wonyoung all of five seconds to boot you out of Hyunjin’s Google calendar, and then Hyunjin will go back to charming the next poor sucker to walk into his office. Gosh, you want to continue being that poor sucker, as pathetic as it is.

“Did you mean any of it?”

Against every fiber of your being telling you not to, to stay in blissful ignorance, you pry your eyes open to see Hyunjin waiting with his arms folded. Something about the intensity of his gaze, coupled with the unexpected potency in his usually soft voice, makes you shift uneasily. 

“I know it was inappropriate. I’m sorry—”

Hyunjin cuts you off, shaking his head in exasperation. “I need you to tell me the truth. Did you mean what you said to me last night?”

You tilt your head down so that you get an eyeful of the plush rug spread under the sofa. Of course you meant everything. You might have been drunk, but the intoxication only brought out the deepest, most hidden parts of yourself; it gave you the courage to manifest what you want the most. But to admit anything to Hyunjin— again— when he clearly did not want any part in it would hurt even more, because this time, you didn’t have alcohol in you to numb the pain of rejection. 

“Why did you leave?”

For a moment, you think that Hyunjin will ignore your question and insist on you giving him a hard answer. Instead, he tentatively reaches his hand out and hooks his thumb and index finger under your chin, carefully angling your head up to meet your eyes. That familiar gentleness once again radiates from him, and you have to bite the inside of your cheek to keep from melting into it. In spite of how utterly miserable you feel right now, the telltale flutter of your heart betrays you. God, you want to be his. 

“I left because I didn’t know how much of it was real,” Hyunjin rasps. His words are hushed, but you feel the weight of them, soaked and dripping with both tenderness and hesitation. “I didn’t want you holding my heart when you couldn’t fully feel it in your hands.”

You exhale slowly, trying to ignore the false hope rising like bile in your throat. The way his eyes brighten whenever he sees you. The stolen glances you thought you were imagining all this time. Darling. It can’t be. “Hyunjin… what are you saying?” 

“Do you have feelings for me? Because I do.” Hyunjin purses his lips and slides his palm up to caress your cheek. “I have feelings for you, and I’m so tired of pretending that I don’t.”

“You what?” You search his eyes wildly for any sign of a joke, because you’re unwilling to believe that this is really, truly happening. All of your reasoning feels tightened by this nostalgic lavender haze, a dizzying sense of deja vu pulled from your thoughts. The ones in which you get to call Hyunjin yours. They cannot be real, not in this universe.

He nods bashfully, a pretty new color in his cheeks— a shade that both astounds and confounds you. The cherry lips that you’ve endlessly fantasized about shine red and swollen with how he has so anxiously bitten into them. Hyunjin’s eyes shine in the hazy glow of his sunset lamp, full of feeling and twinkling brighter than any high rise. You’ve never seen him like this, vulnerable and laid bare in front of you. You’ve always been the one to fall apart in front of him, and yet, here he is, surprising you once again. And that’s something that will never change, how he remains the warlock of your wildest dreams and unraveling sanity. 

“I haven’t been the same since we met.” Hyunjin murmurs, softly stroking the side of your face. “And- and after last night, I think I actually might be going crazy. Because maybe it’s not all in my head. Maybe you want me as much as I do. Do you?”

You shake your head, heart fluctuating with every emotion that has ever been registered in your mind. Exhilaration. Doubt. Fear. Devotion. You are so overwhelmingly in love with the man in front of you that it hurts, even when he stands in front of you with his heart in his hands. It hurts, because you know that no matter what, there’s no going back now. You know you can’t leave him alone now; you are completely and utterly his. 

“Hyunjin—”

“Y/N.” Hyunjin pleads, and all you can feel is disappointment at the address. Not darling. “It’s okay if you don’t feel the same. Just please—”

“Hyunjin.” You cut him off harshly, and he freezes, his arms dropping back to his side. You immediately feel the magnitude of losing his touch on your skin, and it does nothing to tamp down the mix of frustration and arousal inside of you. “Hwang Hyunjin. You drive me absolutely insane.”

There’s a moment of charged silence, before his lips are on yours. When you were younger, you’d spend hours hunched over romance novels and rereading the parts when the leads finally kissed, their repressed emotions finally amalgamating in one stunning, golden moment. But nothing about kissing Hyunjin feels golden; it never did. 

No, it’s an ardent, burning red, a fire blooming in the hands that you use to yank him closer to you, a distance that will always feel unending whenever it’s him. It’s sin, pouring over hot coals and shimmering ore, enchanting yet raw. It’s so perfectly imperfect, wet and frantic, shameless and desperate. It’s rose vines creeping up crumbling brick and the roll of thunder in the middle of the night. It’s you and him and no inhibitions whatsoever, until… 

“Wait, wait, wait.” To your disappointment, Hyunjin pulls back. Even though he was the one who kissed you, you don’t fail to recognize the uncertainty written on his reddened lips. 

You bite the inside of your cheek, trying to block out the nagging thoughts in which Hyunjin has already regretted you. Moving out of his hold, you give him space by backing away. “Is everything okay?”

“I wanted to make sure that you are one-hundred percent okay with this. Like, I drive you insane in a good way, right? Not a bad way? Just checking. Consent is key and all,” Hyunjin breathlessly, letting out a nervous giggle. It’s a display that is shockingly similar to how you act whenever you’re agitated, and you never expected it to be put on by Hyunjin, of all people. It’s… cute. 

You give him a small smile, letting your handbag carelessly slip off your shoulder and onto the rug. You take a tiny step towards him, wrapping your arms around Hyunjin’s slender waist and reveling in how Hyunjin’s breathing quickens, pulse jumping with your touch. Drawing him close to you, just until your lips are barely touching, you look up at him through your eyelashes, focusing on that gorgeous beauty mark under his eye. 

“Hyunjin, is the door locked?”

He just stares at you for a good moment, and you let him, enjoying the way his lips part at your husky tone. “No. I didn’t lock it.”

“Good.” You lift your hand and trace the outline of Hyunjin’s bottom lip with your finger, observing the way he shivers at your touch. “Pay attention, because I’m about to prove to you just how much I like you.”

A blush speckled across his features is all that is needed to induce that familiar urge in you, the one that makes you unreasonably aroused. You want to make him yours, to take care of him and demonstrate to him specifically how insane you are for him. You want to make his wildest dreams come alive, just like he has done for you.

Hyunjin’s eyes flutter shut, a movement so delicate that it almost makes you cry. “Please… just touch me.”

Talking will come, eventually. Both of you will sit down tomorrow morning and establish what exactly this is, what you have done by that point— what you plan to do to Hyunjin now. You’ll find out what this is for Hyunjin— whether this is lust, a brazen act committed in the heat of the moment, or the complete opposite, what you’re too afraid to even think of. Your heart wishes for the latter to be true, for Hyunjin to want you not only as much as you want him, but in the same way as well. Maybe you can’t put it in words, what you feel for him, but you can show him your sincerity in other ways. It’s all you can imagine doing, after Hyunjin has currently rendered you with no other form of thought. Right now, it’s just you and him and a novel of proofs to be written on each other. 

And so you cup his cheek and draw his body closer to yours; this time, you move slowly, every action deliberate, exploring Hyunjin and his depths. Your lips touch his softly, a ghost of longing on skin. In turn, Hyunjin’s hands clutch at yours, silently asking you for more, and you indulge your prince, because there’s nothing you wouldn’t do for him.

Hwang Hyunjin tastes like a sunrise, if dawn’s dainty fingertips blessing the sky with a brilliant, fiery spectrum of light could be encapsulated in that sense. Coffee ice cream, spearmint, unadulterated eroticism. Finally, you’ve found the end of your questions. You shut your eyes as Hyunjin slips his hands into your hair, pulling it out of its tight hold and deftly sliding the tiny pink elastic around his wrist. You mirror his actions, carding your fingers through his soft, silky strands and holding onto him as he deepens the kiss. Instinctively, almost, you part your lips, allowing for him to slip his tongue inside and have his own answers.

Hyunjin pulls back from you to look at you directly when he starts to run his trembling hands down over the curve of your hips, the way he regards you full of attention and lust. You are sure that the confidence that you might have projected earlier has diffused into something more unfocused, with the way you already feel so high off of Hyunjin. Taking control has always been something that has come to you easily, until Park Jisung subjugated that part of you. But you don’t mind it right now, Hyunjin taking all of you and turning you into a mess, because this is the very comfort that you’ve been craving for so long.

“Are you sure?” Hyunjin whispers, even though there’s no secret to be kept. He leans down so that his forehead touches your own, in a way that feels too intimate, but at the same time, it makes you want it and more. It’s a genuine question ringing with the slightest hint of hesitation, and yet, you can’t believe he has to ask you; you love him, even though you may not be able to say it, yet. 

“This. This is what you do to me.” You take Hyunjin’s hand into yours and lead it to the place between your legs that’s been begging for his touch since you first laid eyes on him, second to only your heart. Hyunjin’s eyes widen in surprise when you guide his hand under your skirt, pupils dilating in want when he realizes how drenched you are just for him. But his reaction is nothing compared to you, to how you suck in a sharp breath and try not to fall apart with just one touch.

That one sound is enough for his gaze to darken, before he’s gripping your hips like a vice and pushing you against his desk. You let out a small gasp at the roughness of the movement, and even more so at how Hyunjin is finally taking what has always belonged to him, and him only. In response, he captures your bottom lip with his teeth, nipping at you slightly, not enough to cause pain but just enough to have your back arching at the sting of it.

“Did that hurt?” Hyunjin asks you, a smirk painting his features as he drags his lips across your cupid bow ever-so-softly.

You try to hide your blush by rolling your eyes defiantly, fisting the collar of his shirt in your hands. “No, it didn’t.”

Hyunjin laughs as he places one last kiss on the corner of your mouth, before he’s moving to your neck, attentively peppering kisses along it just to garner more proof of the utter pleasure that has pervaded your senses— and he has barely even touched you yet.  

Your hands slide down to the bottom of his shirt and to tug at it, the desperation of the movement mirroring the pulse of your heart. Hyunjin lets you unhook the top few buttons before hastily tearing off the rest of it, the tiny silver knobs scattering across the floor. But you can’t think about the mess now, not when Hyunjin takes your hands in his and runs them down smooth, toned places of his torso. 

“God, you’re so beautiful,” he mutters under his breath, easily untying your blouse with just his right hand, something that shouldn’t be as attractive to you as it is. He pushes it off of your body, the material now a nuisance to the way he begins to explore every inch of skin his lips can find purchase on. 

You decide to help him out, unzipping your skirt to step out of it, kicking it away along with your heels to some forgotten corner of the office. Seeing no point in prolonging your mutual misery, you also reach behind your back and unhook your bra to free your breasts to him, shrugging it off with a smile as you meet Hyunjin’s eyes.

“Do you want to touch me?” You give him a teasing grin, loving the way he audibly gulps when taking in how you’re nearly bare, all for him. 

“I want to fucking ravish you.”

You tense with his words and how his gaze hardens with the challenge, trying to maintain your cocky front. “Let’s see how you do, Dr. Hwang.” 

Hyunjin doesn’t reply immediately, the corner of his lips just barely tipping up. His fingers find the band of your panties, hooking under to pull you forward to him as he guides you to sit on the desk. “I can literally smell how wet you are for me, you know.”

And you nearly come to his words, but he doesn’t give you the chance, hands coyly smoothing up your stomach before gripping your panties on either side and ripping them off your body. Before the lace has even touched the floor, his mouth is on your cunt, blazing hot and wet. 

You gasp, sucking in a shattering breath as his lips move against your pussy as if spelling out letters in the filthiest language known to man. He envelops your clit with his lips in a slight kiss before you feel his tongue delve out, adventuring between your folds and getting his first, full taste of you. Hyunjin moans as he dips into you, blessing your ears with the prettiest sound to grace them, and it seems as if eating you out pleases him just as much as it does for you, if not more.

Hyunjin pulls away momentarily to look at your center, hands wrapping around your thighs and encouraging them even farther apart. Trailing kisses along your shin, he lifts your right leg to place it comfortably on the desk, caging himself between your legs. The sight makes you clench and grasp onto his hair, bringing him right back into you. 

“Fuck,” he breathes out as he pressed his mouth against you once more, relentlessly starving and savouring the taste of you at the same time. “You taste even better than I imagined.”

You moan, taking fistfuls of his soft, soft hair as he fulfills his sinful promises. You can’t think of any good comeback like you would prefer to do, but this position, while compromising, isn’t anything but ideal at this moment. The worlds have coiled in your throat, coming out as broken sobs, and you have effectively gone crazy for Hyunjin.

“So pretty,” he compliments, eyes drinking in your core before softening as they glance up at you. He slides a lone finger inside of you, and you immediately tighten around it, making him chuckle. “You like that? Like my mouth on your cunt? Like how I’m fucking you like this, so slow yet not enough?”

You just whimper in answer, but Hyunjin remains unbothered by your lack of coherent response. “You taste fucking heavenly, by the way.”

And then he pulls his hand away harshly, leaving a stinging slap directly on your aching pussy, immediately rubbing your clit after to lessen the harshness of it. 

“Oh my God—”

He hooks two of fingers inside of you this time, thrusting in and walking the tips of them along your g-spot, making your head go hazy with pleasure. Your breathing hitches as a pressure starts to build in your lower stomach, your walls shamelessly sucking at Hyunjin’s fingers. 

“Mm, you’re going to drench me, aren’t you? You talk up a big storm, but you’re dripping down my hand already.”

Hyunjin’s talk is almost as dangerous as his touch, and he knows it, with how he grins knowingly at you while he so sweetly puts you in your place. He attaches his mouth to your clit, sucks deftly, and moves his entire arm against that one beautiful place, making your legs give out beneath you. 

“Hyunjin, please,” you sob, amazed with how you were even able to form that sorry excuse for a sentence. “I need—”

“Need what?” Hyunjin mocks you, knowing exactly what you want, but he takes his time, playing with you and drawing out this sublime form of torture on your body. “Can’t wait for me to fill you up, yes? So greedy.”

Fuck, you love the way he talks. Measured and polite when fully clothed, but uninhibited and dirty behind closed doors. Your spine straightens as he starts to pump you so hard that you begin to see stars, or maybe just the lights from the buildings outside. You can’t be sure. You begin to arch your back, trying to lessen the intensity of his movements, but he wraps his arm around your hips to hold you down.

He flicks your clit mercilessly, his tongue winding you close to your climax. You mewl his name softly, rolling your hips up towards his face and on his fingers, clenching impossibly tight around him, but he only responds by fucking you harder. Faster. 

You can feel your orgasm approaching in addition to his heightened attention in your blissful facial expressions, watching the way your brows turn up in the middle. 

“Close, aren’t you?” He murmurs against your clit, and you concentrate on his voice, the sole thing you can comprehend past the obliterating pleasure you’re suspended in. You swear he smiles, before he pulls away from you. 

You cry out pathetically at the loss of contact, feeling that tsunami of ecstasy fail to crest and eventually fade back into the shallows, leaving just an unbearable ripple of disturbance behind. You can feel the tears form in your eyes at your interrupted orgasm that was so cruelly taken from you, and you narrow your gaze at Hyunjin. 

“And you’re such a brat, aren’t you?”

“Maybe.” Hyunjin responds cheekily, tracing his middle finger slightly against your folds, and you have to grind your teeth to keep from shuddering. “I want you to come on my cock instead.”

You’ve had enough of his games. This is something that you started, and you completely intend to finish it, even if it means not playing by Hyunjin’s twisted rules and making your own board. You dig your nails into Hyunjin’s shoulders, feeling him wince under your touch, and push him back roughly. He collapses onto the couch, looking up at you in wide-eyed surprise. 

“Did you have fun, Hyunjin? I hope you did.” It’s your turn to smirk down at him, all of the explicit thoughts of what you would love to do to him running through your head. “Because we’re going to be doing things my way now.”

Before he can even muster up a retort, you are already straddling him, shifting back to unzip his trousers and shove them down his legs, while he just obediently lifts up his hips to help. All in one go, you get both his pants and boxers off, freeing his length. And he really is so pretty— all of him, down to his cock that’s perfectly hardened for you to use. 

Hyunjin shivers as you experimentally palm his cock, testing how sensitive he is, and you’re pleased with what you discover. “What are you going to do to me?” 

“What do you want me to do to you?” You question him right back, pretending to actually listen to him. Hyunjin takes the bait, relief and desire evident in his features.

“I want you to fuck me with that sweet little pussy,” he responds, the urgency filling his throat making you smile.

“I see.” 

You shrug nonchalantly, gripping him and enjoying the way he gets even harder in your hands. Slowly, you begin to pump him, spitting into your palm and spreading it down his length for better friction. It works, with the way he curses under his breath and looks at you pleadingly. 

“Darling, stop… stop doing that,” he pleads, eyes involuntarily rolling back as you lean forward, pressing your tits together and sliding his dick between them teasingly. 

You cock your head to the side and let your hair fall slightly over your eyes, smiling innocently at him. “Stop doing what, baby?”

“Stop fucking teasing me!” He gasps out, watching you lift yourself just barely onto his cock, holding him at the base and rubbing his tip between your slick folds. Both of you let out soft sighs at the sensation of him nudging your entrance, but you still don’t relent. 

“I don’t know… I kinda like the position we’re in. Think I could get myself off just watching you like this,” you say, lightly circling your hips as you grind your clit on his cock. “Be patient.”

“I’ve been patient for months,” he whines— in any other situation, you’d laugh at how adorable he is if you weren’t so damn turned on right now. He places his arms around your waist, squeezing lightly. “I have to have you.”

You take Hyunjin’s hands and bring them up to rest over your breasts, keeping eye contact with him. As if a trying to placate you by seduction, he traces his fingers over your nipples, sending a jolt through your body; he need not know that you have been wrapped around his finger ever since he pushed you against that desk, and that you’re this close to surrendering to his pleas. You need him.

“Say ‘please’,” you giggle, your cocky façade cracking. After all, you’re endlessly weak for him. 

Hyunjin rolls his eyes, but obliges you anyway. “Please, fuck me.”

You want to have one last word with his attitude, but then his palm cracks hard against your thigh, and your legs give up. Your hips sink fully down onto his lap, and you both cry out at the feeling of being sated in the best possible way. Hyunjin is so deep inside you that you feel like you can barely breathe; yet, your chest rises and falls rapidly, as Hyunjin anchors his hands on your ass, assisting you in riding him.

Hyunjin tilts his head back, the veins along the graceful arch of his neck prominent as your walls pulse around him. Meanwhile, you’re practically shaking at how full he makes you feel, pressed up so deliciously inside of you. You’ll lose your mind if it means you can’t have him like this in every moment for the rest of your life, but it’s an unfortunate truth you’ll have to confront later. For now, you know he’s going to make an absolute mess of you.

“There we go, sweetheart. Use me, take all of what you want from me.” Hyunjin just whispers, guiding the roll of your hips while staring up at you in a way you can’t believe is reserved just for you. Enamored, raptured, and completely captivated. It’s so similar to the way you know you always look at him, that you nearly want to cry at the sight.

You’re breathless, gazing down at the man you love through hazy eyes. Hyunjin always looks beautiful no matter what, but right now, he’s simply breathtaking, with how his hair is so artfully mussed, and how his cheeks are tinged with the blush of pleasure. He’s especially exquisite, knowing that he’s like this just for you.

“F-feel so good, Hyunjin,” you manage, both of you fucking each other at this point— you bouncing on top of him while he fucks into from below with equal energy.

Hyunjin smirks, control coming back to him as you give it up. He licks the pad of his thumb and reaches between you both to rub slow, firm circles on your clit. “Fuck, are you going to come already?” 

In spite of yourself, you shoot him a look that isn’t nearly as sharp as you intended it to be. “You already got me halfway there.”

“Definitely more than halfway— eighty-percent’s more accurate,” Hyunjin responds with haphazardly feigned indignance, before shaking his head and kissing you. He bows his head down to encase your nipple with his lips, gently sucking at the bud while his hand trails over across your chest to grasp and squeeze at your other breast, eliciting a strangled moan from you. “It’s that nice, right? I know, baby. Let go for me.”

And you do. Shattering, fierce, red-hot. You can’t handle the way he’s looking at you, touching you, talking to you. Your toes are numb from how harshly they curl, and your fingers sting from how you dragged them down Hyunjin’s back, hopefully leaving marks for him to smile at later.

“Hyun—” You can’t finish even calling out his name, the attempt fading into something nonsensical. Your eyes water from the intensity of your climax, before nestling into his neck.

But he pulls away to look you in the eye when you come, whimpering hopelessly. “That’s it, let go for me, darling.”

Your vision blurs as your orgasm finally crashes into you, overwhelming and so earth-shatteringly beautiful. Hyunjin’s voice soothes you as he guides you through your high, whispering hushed praises against your skin and doing dangerous things to your heart. A wave of unmatchable euphoria washes over you, but it never passes, like his body is an expert in prolonging the pleasure so intricately. You cannot believe that Hyunjin is real, with the way each time he thrusts into you tips you closer and closer into a never-ending free fall into absolute ecstasy. 

With a soft, drawn out sigh, you finally come, and Hyunjin swears under his breath as you clench around him, your pussy gripping his cock so hard that it almost draws the climax from his body. You find a single ounce of strength in the aftermath, wrapping your arm around Hyunjin’s neck and turning his chin to make him look at you.

“I need you to come for me, Hyunjin,” you say, lips quivering against his.

He groans into your mouth, kissing you deeply. “Where, baby? Tell me where.”

“Inside of me.”

Hyunjin throws his head back, moaning desperately before capturing your mouth in a messy kiss. When he breaks away, a string of saliva connects your lips, and it feels so treacherously erotic. Hyunjin comes while calling your name over and over again, pressing your ass down on his lap as his thrusts become shallower, and more erratic. He rolls his hips a final time, pumping his come as deep as he can into you. And then he slumps against you, panting heavily as he gently lays you back down on the couch to fit you comfortably under the crook of his arm.

You hold each other just like that for a long time, hands clasped together while simply existing in the universe that feels like it is all your own. Hyunjin sighs, kissing you deeply in a way that makes your heart flip. He then pulls back to look down and inspect you, both concern and care written deep in his expression. 

“Are you okay, darling? Was that too much?”

You give him a fucked-out grin, cupping his beautiful face with your palms and reveling in how warm his skin is. “No. That was perfect. You are perfect.”

“I… I’m glad.” Hyunjin blushes and looks away like he’s suddenly tongue-tied, as if he wasn’t moaning the dirtiest things into your mouth just minutes earlier. “I don’t even have the words to describe how I feel about you. You’re… everything, and I won’t ever be able to convey that to you completely.”

Something tells you that he isn’t lying, that he means every word, that this isn’t just some kind of lust-filled one-night stand that’ll merit those awkward, unwanted conversations in the future. Maybe it’s the earnesty in his voice, the pure devotion in his eyes, or maybe, you’ll allow this for yourself, just once. You’ll let yourself be happy, let yourself fall and be caught in his arms. 

“I feel the same way,” you say, feeling the tears of something bittersweet form. “You’re gorgeous, Hyunjin. You know that? I just need you to know that.”

Hyunjin wipes the fresh dampness on your cheeks away with his lips, placing a kiss on your forehead when he’s finished. “We have so much time for you to tell me. We’ll talk tomorrow, baby, I promise. Just rest, for now.”

You sniffle, swiping the backs of your hands over your eyes. “I just wish I was completely sober for our first kiss. I remember it perfectly, but it just had to happen when I was a drunk mess.”

He shakes his head, blinking at you like you make no sense to him. “I wish you could see yourself the way I do.”

“Hyunjin,” you start, heart aching and wistful for his thoughts. It seems like you would want to know everything going on in his mind, but perhaps, the challenge of not knowing and being vulnerable to the mystery, that’s what makes it truly so special.

“I wouldn’t change our first kiss for anything. You were so cute, I should have taken a picture.” Hyunjin smiles down at you fondly, tapping the tip of your nose with his finger. “But if you really want, we can say our first kiss was today.”

You give him a doubtful but adoring look. “That wouldn’t be real.”

Hyunjin shrugs carelessly, nothing but adoration in his tone. “No one has to know except for us. Our lives. Our rules. Our secret. Don’t you trust me?”

Our. You can’t help but feel giddy at that word, the very one that joins you two in the harmony that you’ve yearned for so long. 

“Always.”

Long after the sun has dipped far below the horizon, after every other SeoulSpark employee has gone home for the day, you and Hyunjin lie together on his sofa in a tangle of sated exhaustion. The many hours of finally acting on long pent-up desires have rightfully ended with you drawn close against his chest as you both silently gaze out at the twinkling cityscape. 

For the years that he has been settled in this office, Hyunjin couldn’t help but feel a strange twinge of sadness whenever he looked out at the stretch of towering skyscrapers. After all, he spent all of his time helping others find love, but there he was, left with a great view that he would never be able to share. He told himself that he didn’t mind it, not when his dreams lay solely in working. He would be happy to be the one to bring love to others, if it was never meant to be his. And he repeated it to himself everyday like it was just another mundane step in his cherished daily routine, until he truly started to believe it. 

But how could any of that be true, when he can feel your heartbeat against his own? When the scent of your gardenia shampoo has so gracefully invaded all of his senses? When the moon so delicately traces every single one of your curves, bathing your smooth skin in a silver glow? How could he ever be meant to be alone, when the void in both his heart and arms have finally been filled?

It’s too soon to tell, and it scares the hell out of him to even think about it. But when you look up at him with those starry, radiant eyes, it all seems so worth it, so justified. You are simply the aurora to his night sky— you light him up beyond his own flimsy understanding. Therein lay the words that haven’t strayed from the tip of his tongue ever since he laid his eyes on you. The words he so fervently spelled earlier into your core, joining them with your essence. The words he’ll bite back for as long as he can because he doesn’t want you to leave.

I love you. I love you. I love you.

«GENERAL M.LIST» · «NAVIGATION» · «TALK TO ME» · «TAGLIST»

AUTHOR'S NOTE (& IMPORTANT WRITING UPDATE) Announcement: Jisungsdaydreamer™ has risen from the dead after, like, four months. I apologize, once again, for the terrible wait time. This was my longest gap in posting yet, because it took a while for me to make the adjustment to college. I'm trying to get back to regularly writing, but even when I don't respond/post on here for a while, I just want you to know that I'm still here, and I see you, and I appreciate you! Anyway, I hope you liked the turning point this chapter was (i.e. THEY FINALLY CONFESSED!!!). Cue the fireworks and doves and wedding music!! Also, I just want to mention Yeonjun being a UCLA student- he is sooo Los Angeles coded, and I could totally see him being one of the most popular students at a school like UCLA. And did anyone get my Jane the Virgin reference (hint: it has to do with the grilled cheese recipe)? I used to be obsessed with that show and I have re-watched to the point that I remember almost all of the dialogue... Another thing- for Hyunjin's outfit at the reunion party, I totally was going for what Jungkook was wearing in the 3D music video. I would actually die if Hyunjin dressed up like that IRL. If you know, you know! You can expect the next chapter to come in mid-to-late December, right after my finals (pray for me) finish. Right now, I anticipate finishing Anti-Romantic by the New Year, so I can move onto finishing my other WIPs. Ideally, I'd like to also make a dent on Love Playlist before 2023 is up, but I'm getting ahead of myself! Here's to Dr. Hwang and designer obsessions and being on that sigma grindset. For the next two weeks, I'll be crying over my textbooks in the library while blasting Rock-Star in my headphones. Here's to getting through what I believe is the worst time of year for students! Stay strong and 樂 on 🎸💫 -Dreamy

TAGLIST @skzfelixlove @army-stay-noel, @hwangjuhong, @chizumiyoshi @hyunjinswifeee @geneziesm @sherryblossom @yeetfellx @bennetbutton @chillseo @hyuneyeon @seosalad @nhyunn @hyunjinnie2000 @ajxreads @n2tl4na @yeahhspider @8makes1scream @jetblackbelle @143hyunes @raginghellfire @sinforsuccubus @lixiesw1fe @chartrucewhore @freckleboilix @ultimatestayandminoronce @cheesytangerine @leyknowsbin @stay278 @strawberry-dreamland @lvrgrl-xo @moasworld @hyunnielix @httphans @chaotic-world-of-the-j @nyasstars @beautifulmusicaddict-blog @imasimplol @1clickawayfrominsane @xsw-void @queen-klarissa @hyunjinsamdl @heavenhannie @moasworld @kykeu @sxlxna @writingkills @boomfrogg @tyongyuta @levislifeline @hyunzerolv @starlost-andfound @browniebearr @hanniemylovelyquokka @ardef38 @loveemmy08 @anyhow-everything @liillii @sweetpickledjins @insertsomethingaboutanimehere @kylielovesu @moon0fthenight

💕Special mention to @hyunsvngs. You're really cool, and it means a lot to me that you read this series too. I hope you like this chapter 💕

***The users that I could not tag are written in pink***

If you'd like to join the taglist, click here!

NETWORK TAG @k-films

©jisungsdaydreamer 2023 | All rights reserved. I do not condone translations or transfers of my work onto other platforms such as Wattpad, AO3, etc. Tumblr is my only platform. Acts of plagiarism are strictly prohibited.

I don't know your timezones or when you celebrate but I am already in 2024, so Happy New Year ⭐⭐⭐

Bro, the way you described their feelings made me feel like I was actually in the story! I don't know how you managed to do that in such a short text but you left me speechless!

waiting for us

pairing: hyunjin x reader

synopsis: you’re afraid to let hyunjin love you, but he’d wait forever for you

warnings: very brief suggestive content, angsty angsty angsty (but happy ending) reader shuts down hyunjin’s advances, opening up, discussion of feelings, getting together, nothing is perfect, feelings are messy in this, writing is messy (apologies), hyunjin is an angel, they are both hurt souls just wanting to be loved

✿: @hhwangsmoon @straywrds @l3visbby @armysantiny @hwajin @casualtaelyn @staybangchan @hopeladybug @midsoulz @aestheticsluut @venustired @abiaswreck @deathlypink @djeniryuu @rachabreathing @alyszaen @starlostseungmin @bokk-minnie @spicymooseeyes @arlojulien-nightchild-of-hades @downbadreading @moasworld @ren0325 @ketchupaeternum @like-a-diamondinthesky @itsgivingitalian

No reposting or translating of my works. All rights reserved to me, myself and I.

“I hate flowers,” you mumble as you stare at the bouquet Hyunjin had gifted you minutes ago.

“I know. You think they’re cheesy and a cliche gift.”

Your eyes flutter from the arrangement to Hyunjin.

“Then why do you get them for me?”

Hyunjin smiles, looking completely unbothered.

“Because I know you love when I give you flowers. You don’t care that it’s cheesy. Not when they’re from me.”

Your heart flutters and you can feel a smile threatening to tug at your lips but you keep your features neutral.

“Why are you still trying Hyunjin?”

The man shrugs as he leans back against the park bench.

“I love you and I know you love me. But I also know that you’re not ready yet and that’s alright.”

A smile stretches across his lips, “I’ll wait as long as I need to.”

You wanted to cry. You wanted to scream. You wanted to tell Hyunjin to fuck off but you also wanted to pull him closer and kiss him until your lips became numb and all you knew was the feeling of his body against yours.

You wanted to run away.

But you also wanted to stay.

You didn’t like the way Hyunjin looked at you. You didn’t like the way his eyes lit up when he spotted you or how he fiddled with his rings out of nervousness when he talked to you. You didn’t like when he gave you gifts, you didn’t like when he tried to talk to you.

You didn’t like it because you knew it was fleeting. Hyunjin would grow tired of your shit. He’d eventually stop trying to break down the walls you’d spent years building. One day he’d stop giving you flowers, he’d stop approaching you, he’d stop wanting to be around you.

But you also knew that Hyunjin was aware of your inner turmoil. He saw past the frowns and the stoic expression. He saw bits of your true feelings that seeped through no matter how hard you tried to keep them at bay.

You were tiring but he hadn’t grown tired of you.

Every rejection had only egged him on. It had only made him want to get closer to you.

No one had ever tried as much as Hyunjin had.

But you knew he deserved better.

You loved him, you loved him so much. But he shouldn’t be with someone like you.

A shaky breath left you, a reaction that had startled both you and Hyunjin.

“If I told you to stop, would you?”

Hyunjin is quiet for a moment. You can feel his burning gaze against your skin but you don’t dare to look at him.

Vulnerability is something that you aren’t comfortable with. But something about Hyunjin makes the tears pricking your eyes a little less burdensome. He makes you feel safe.

“I don’t want to. But if that’s what you wanted I would. I would give you space but I wouldn’t give up hope that one day you could let yourself be happy with me.”

Your eyes meet his then. He’s smiling despite the tears gathering in his eyes and it breaks your heart.

“I want to be,” you find yourself confessing, “I want to be but—.”

You don’t finish your sentence but you don’t have to. Hyunjin knows you’re scared. He knows you’ve been hurt. He knows you can’t let yourself trust easily. He knows you’re cold and dismissive because you can’t let yourself be broken again.

But he’s still there. He’s always been there, waiting so patiently for you to let him love you the way he knows and that you know deep down you deserve to be loved.

The paper of the bouquet rustles with the way your hand shakes.

“We don’t have to talk about this now,” he says softly.

He’s hesitant at first when he reaches out, but when you don’t pull away he settles his large warm hands over your own.

“You did good today Y/n,” he whispers, “So good. I’m so proud of you.”

You feel the first tear fall, then another. The first you’ve let fall in front of someone in a long time.

One of Hyunjin’s hands leaves yours to brush the tears away.

Your chest hurts, your entire being hurts.

And you feel so fucking sorry.

“I-I kept them all.”

Hyunjin hums in question as he guides your head to rest against his shoulder, fingers intertwining with your own.

“The flowers, the notes, the poems, the butterfly shaped gummies you bought me bc you said they reminded you of my eyes,” you sniffle.

“I kept them all. I still look at them everyday.”

Hyunjin is quiet, too quiet.

“I never wanted to hurt you, not really I just—. I’m so sorry Hyunjin. God you don’t know how much it ate me up everytime time I turned you down. I couldn’t—.”

“You were afraid to be loved. I know Y/n. I’ve always known,” he whispers as he shifts to look at you as you sit up.

“I’m still here,” he says as his fingers reach to brush a couple of loose strands behind your ears.

“I’m here. I’m yours. And I’ll wait for you for as long as it takes. I’m not leaving. I-I’m not going to disappear.”

Even when he cries, Hyunjin is still the most beautiful person you’ve ever seen.

He’s crying because he’s hurting too. He’s crying because he loves you.

“I want to be happy with you,” you confess as Hyunjin leans his forehead against yours.

His breath in your lips makes you shiver.

“I-I want to be loved by you. I want to love you in turn. I just wish I wasn’t like this. I wish I didn’t hurt so much. I wish I didn’t hurt you. I wish I deserved you.”

“Don’t.”

It’s firm, the way the word leaves his lips.

“Everyone deserves to be loved. And to me, you deserve it the most.”

He’s so close to you, a tilt of your chin and your lips would meet. You think that it would heal you.

Something about Hyunjin has always felt that way to you. Healing.

But you didn’t give in. You had wanted to hurt because you felt like you deserved it.

“Just let me and I’ll show you. I’ll make the hurt go away.”

“I'm too much Hyunjin,” you admit.

“Loving someone isn’t supposed to be easy. People aren’t perfect, relationships aren’t perfect. You and I have our faults, our scars, our fears. But one thing I am certain of is that I feel so deeply for you. I think it’s beyond love at this point but it’s indescribable. You make me feel like I can’t breathe but at the same time by your side is the only place I can. It’s confusing and frustrating but fuck do I love you and I’ll be damned if i ever stop showing you how much I do.”

It’s fucked. Everything is fucked when you tilt your chin up and connect your lips.

It’s fucked when he kisses you back with so much passion that you feel his hurt, his love, his everything as his lips glide against yours.

It’s fucked when you feel your walls crumbling down and more tears escape. Both of you tasting the salty hurt and love that coats your lips.

It’s fucked when you breathe those four words against his lips that you had been trying so hard not to utter.

It’s fucked when Hyunjin takes you in the entryway of your apartment that afternoon—desperate and hungry as he fills you with all the love he has for you.

It’s fucked when you lay naked in your bed that night.

It’s fucked when you feel the anguish and hurt leave you at his touch.

It’s fucked, completely and utterly fucked.

Everything that you had built up, one man tore down in a single evening. He had been chipping away, making cracks in your defenses for months now and you had only stuck bandaids over them—not wanting to reinforce them anymore. You grew tired of the facade—tired of trying to force him away.

Hyunjin didn’t leave like you thought he would. He was right here, in your arms—lips pursed as he slumbered atop your chest.

He had been waiting for you.

And finally, you had stopped running and let your heart beat once more.

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